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Bomb squad member: Oh poo poo, this is a lease bomb. It can only be disarmed if you explain to it how an automotive lease works. Me: (already visibly sweating) OK, um, a lease is different from a rental, and it's different from a rent-to-own deal. Ehh...but some of the money you pay into it can still go toward purchasing the vehicle at the end of your lease, somehow. (the bomb makes a long series of ticking noises. there are only 10 seconds remaining on its countdown) Bomb: When should I consider getting a lease? Me: (throws my body over the bomb) Run! Save yourselves! |
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Apr 26, 2017 16:16
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| # ? Jun 9, 2024 23:40 |
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Evil Villian: It is time to die, Mr. Bond. James Bond: Well, if that's the way it has to be... Evil Villian: No, it is not. You only have to do one task, one small minor thing, and I will not kill you. James Bond: I will never tell you the secret location of the Omega 13! Evil Villian: Wait, there's an Omega 13? What the hell is an "Omega 13"? James Bond: Nothing, never mind. Forget I said anything... Evil Villian: Very well. Moving forward- if you can tell me what the name of the thing is that hangs down the back of your throat- James Bond: You mean the uvula? You're talking about the uvula, aren't you? Evil Villian: Yes, but- but how? James Bond (suddenly revealing a hidden gun): Triple word score. You lose! <blam> https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Apr 26, 2017 16:38
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"hey matt! look out for the - drat, i always forget what these things are called. you know, those things with the-" *matt is run over by a semi truck* |
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Apr 26, 2017 17:22
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Bank robber: (internally) You've done this a million times, don't worry (/internally) Teller: What can I do for you today? BR: I want you to put all the....the.... Later we see the Bank Robber leaving with nothing but a new mortgage with poor terms.
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Apr 26, 2017 20:55
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Happy halloween |
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Bridgekeeper: What...is your name? Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot! Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest? Galahad: I seek the Grail! Bridgekeeper: Does "Cincinnati" have two N's or two T's? Galahad: Two T's! No, wait-- 
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Apr 26, 2017 22:06
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google THIS posted:Bridgekeeper: What...is your name?
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Apr 26, 2017 22:23
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Milk then coffee, or coffee then milk? Your spouse is watching and it's for her father (grip tightens around quart of milk container, crushing it slightly, single sweat drop falls from brow)
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Apr 26, 2017 22:22
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google THIS posted:Bomb squad member: Oh poo poo, this is a lease bomb. It can only be disarmed if you explain to it how an automotive lease works.
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Apr 26, 2017 22:24
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"There's a virus on my computer? Thank you phone caller for letting me know. You just need my email address and password? That's easy, it's MuppetFan@ymail.com and the password is...is... :[
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Apr 26, 2017 22:28
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vanisher posted:Milk then coffee, or coffee then milk? Your spouse is watching and it's for her father
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Apr 26, 2017 22:30
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Reverend Mother Mohaim Gaius: Many men have tried to remember the proper sequence of eating utensils at a formal dinner... Paul Atriedes:They tried and failed? Reverend Mother Mohaim Gaius: They tried and starved https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Apr 26, 2017 22:37
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Final Jeopardy is Important Persons. Here is the clue:
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Apr 26, 2017 22:43
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it was an operation years in the making but at last all the pieces are in place. bypassing hundreds of layers of cyber security I manage to hack into SciCorp's mainframe server. I am but one step away from obtaining the necessary evidence to expose their true purpose and put an end to their dystopian rule over the populace. System : UNKNOWN USER DETECTED. INITIATING EMERGENCY LOCKOUT PROCEDURE. ENTER MAIN ACCESS PASSWORD WITHIN 30 SECONDS TO OVERRIDE LOCKDOWN. Me : ...new england clam chowder ... ... System : IS THAT THE RED, OR WHITE? Me : ... *single bead of sweat forms on forehead*
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Apr 26, 2017 22:59
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Splatmaster posted:Reverend Mother Mohaim Gaius: Many men have tried to remember the proper sequence of eating utensils at a formal dinner... |
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Apr 26, 2017 23:30
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FutonForensic posted:Final Jeopardy is Important Persons. Here is the clue: Lmao |
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Apr 26, 2017 23:48
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| I laugh because I have no idea how old my parents are | |
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Apr 26, 2017 23:48
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Judge: What are your children's names? Me, looking at a big bowl that used to have chili in it: Uh oh |
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Apr 26, 2017 23:49
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Guy at party: Nice to meet you. My name's Paul. Me: Mmm-hmm. (a chainsaw-wielding psychopath bursts into the room and runs up to me) Psycho: You have a choice! Either I kill you, or you tell me who to kill! Me: Ok, ok! Please don't hurt me! Kill, uh... What did you say your name was again? |
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Apr 27, 2017 01:17
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FutonForensic posted:Final Jeopardy is Important Persons. Here is the clue: |
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Apr 27, 2017 01:21
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Me: I love you! Girlfriend: Aww, thanks Me: ... Me: What's your name again? |
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Apr 28, 2017 09:47
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we must always remember to never forget |
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Apr 28, 2017 09:56
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Hmm I know im forgetting to do something and its reaaaaly important Ahhh man its on the tip of my tongue Its Its that thing you do with your chest i think, maybe your stomach Fuuuuuuck Seriously what the *hurk* |
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Apr 28, 2017 11:54
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balloon payments sound vy BYOB but they most certainly are NOT!!!
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Apr 28, 2017 12:15
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torturer, cackling evilly: Oh, so you want to live? Well...you may leave this dungeon but first, you must diagram this sentence: The quick brown fox jumps over the fence. Here's a pencil and a pad of paper, please show all your work! me, flustered: ... torturer: I told you no one leaves here alive!
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Apr 28, 2017 14:52
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me to friend: so it's this general idea that as a fetus develops it goes through stages that sort of mirror the evolution of humanity through time. it's kind of a cool idea but it's . . . wrong I think? something about gills. fetuses have gills because we were once fish, or actually they don't but it sort of looks like that. um. there's a fancy name for it, very sciency. something discombobulates mumphery. there's probably an "ogeny" or "ology" in there. it's on the tip of my tongue. it's really bothering me, what the hell is that saying? friend, exasperated: jesus christ I don't care. stop talking about it. me: no, I need to remember now, it's become kind of a thing. friend: fine, how's this. if you don't come up with it in the next ten seconds I will cut off one of your fingers. me: AAAAAAH
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Apr 28, 2017 15:32
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Dr. Evil: I will destroy a major city every hour on the hour, that is, of course, unless you... tell me the name of that song, I don't remember how old it is, but it's got this really chill kind of country twang to it, but it still rocks as well? And the guy's talking about the twilight's last gleaming, or something. And there's this filthy keyboard part that comes in, and it's just like POW *starts shadowboxing* bam, boom, BAM! So good. Was maybe a one- hit wonder type of thing. *Some time passes* President: We got your information, but it wasn't easy. The name of the song is... Lunatic Fringe. Dr. Evil: Oh yes! Haha, lunatic fringe. What a classic. But... what was the name of the band? President: *Frantically looks over to one of his cabinet members to see him shrugging and shaking his head*.........................................................gently caress |
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Apr 29, 2017 11:00
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it's red rider *spooky keyboard plays*
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Apr 29, 2017 12:45
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i just saved ur life brah ya own me  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTFVMMCwsss  
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Apr 29, 2017 13:15
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when u think about it... u saved the world man |
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Apr 29, 2017 15:11
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| # ? Jun 9, 2024 23:40 |
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fkn A far out man
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Apr 30, 2017 06:14
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