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On next weeks exciting... no, make that "frustrating" edition of Thunder, Daffney gets more scream-time! Kevin Nash is an enormous nerd! And there's WAY too many matches!
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Jan 23, 2023 10:12
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| # ? May 17, 2024 18:14 |
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It's February 23rd, 2000! Happy just-past-your-birthday, 27-year-old me. I should grow a mullet in memory of those days. We are LIVE (plus or minus 23 years) from... Well, a recap of Nitro. I'll work out the city later. On Nitro, Jeff Jarrett has a piece of paper that guarantees a rematch with Sid. Sid mocks him by going "Moooo!" for some hilarious reason. He also breaks local noise ordinances by screaming about their upcoming match at UNCENSORED!!!!!!!!!!!! The Harris Boys powerbomb half the roster. Funk shouts a million words in nine seconds. Jimmy Hart gets popcorn poured on him. Itchy! And we are live with Kevin Nash, who is suffering from Comedy Amnesia. I hope I can forget everything that's about to appear on my screen. We're emanating this week from... someplace that's remaining anonymous. TALK TO ME, MIKE TENAY! Okay, we're in Reno, Nevada. News check! The Reno Public Market’s grand opening and horse auction (Horse auction?) has been canceled. Also canceled, years of drought, thanks to massive winter storms. Go, climate change, go. And the County Commission votes against cannabis consumption lounges. Those dudes need to chill. 3-Count is in the ring, confusing the hell out of my son. This was called a "Boy Band", son, and they were terrible. Stand back, there's a giant nerd coming through.  Mmmm.. oily. Fit Finlay arrives in Bubba Ray Dudley's pants. It's a three-on-one hardcore match. Crowd Sign: "Crap! Crap! Crap!" Everyones a critic, huh? Finlay attempts homicide by throwing poo poo at Evan Karegaris, then kicking a trash can in his mush. 3-Count lives up to their name as Fit kills Shane with a Tombstone in 2:43. Rating: Half the crowd were probably still finding their seats, so let's call that zero stars shall we? Bobby and Mike are our commentators tonight. Sid vs. Luger is the main event tonight. But first of all, let's go see Concussed Kevin Nash, who thinks he's Commissioner Gordon. Oh, the hilarity.  No wonder American healthcare costs so much. Mean Gene is with the nWo and two disposable young ladies. According to Jeff, Sid got a "crotch full of guitar neck" on Nitro. Hope his slapnuts are feeling better. After a commercial break, we're watching "Kid Cam", as someone spies on Buff Bagwell talking to Daffney on a stairwell. The camera angle makes me sure that the Mystery Cameraman is pretty much standing out in the open.  Stealthy. Luckily, Mr Bagwell has no peripheral vision to speak of. He tries to ask Daffney out, she gives him a scream of... I'm going to say, rejection, but with Daffney, that could be foreplay. Ric Flair heads to ringside with Hogan’s weight lifting belt. Looks like we're probably getting Flair vs. Hogan at UNCENSORED! (Is this that "Age in the Cage'' match I've heard about?) He insults the fans, and mangles the English languWHOOage. He's inventing words like Scott Steiner trying to teach remedial English. Crowd Sign: "Hulk Hogan Rules! Python Power". Disturbingly, that was being held up by a ten-year-old girl. Flair wants to wrestle someone, so he starts challenging random fans. Vampiro decides to answer the challenge, for reasons not adequately explained. But not for 15 minutes. Why, do we have 7-and-a-half more 3-Count matches first?  This guy is excited for Leathery Ric vs. Vampiro, at least. Mean Gene interviews La Parka, via the medium of an embarrassingly un-hip overdub. We're reaching the 20-minute mark of the show, total wrestling so far: 163 seconds. Another break, Daffney makes up with David Flair, Kevin keeps being a concussed nerd, and we get an unexpected Ralphus cameo. Two of these things are good. MATCH TIME! Hooray. It's got Berlyn in it. Not yay. He's facing La Parka. Yay!  Too much facism, not enough techno dancing. Also ya for the Nitro highlight of La Parka hitting Oklahoma in his stupid, stupid head with a chair. Not hard enough, but I'll take what I can get. Berlyn blindides La Parka, the crowd starts a "U.S.A" chant. He's from Mexico, you idiots. Russi-Mexican legsweep and corkscrew off the top, Berlyn is pinned in an astonishing 59 seconds. Rating: I don't have to rate it if it lasts less time than it takes to toast a Pop-Tart, right? Yes, WCW literally buried forum mascot Alex Wright and tried to push The Wall. Great decision, you raisin-brained morons. Buff confronts Kidman about Kid Cam shenanigans, Billy claims his camcorder was stolen on Nitro. Meanwhile, Tank Abbott is about to be interviewed. Gentleman, start your word-mangling. He's blinking like a madman as he tries to get out his internal script, so it's a relief when his interrupted by...  I’m as surprised as you are. ...Holy poo poo, Vincent? Or Virgil? SHANE? Oh wait, he wants to be called Mike Jones now. Better change those memes to Sad Mikes. Buff's on his way to the ring for a match against David Flair. Nothing like a blow-off for a twelve-minute-old feud. Daffney's in Purple tonight, with a shirt reading "People Eater". Cute. And sexy, if you think about it.  Pouty-sexy. Buff no-sells everything David does to him while Daffney screams like a banshee that's walked into a bear-trap. The Maestro runs in after about two minutes, Daffney gets knocked onto him in the most awkward spot of the night so far, Buff hits an inverted DDT for the win at 2:25. Rating: I'd be better off rating the commercial breaks, I suspect that lasted longer than the matches tonight. Buff beats up the 'Stro after the match. Tank Abbott jiggles his way to the ring. Tony keeps talking up the brutality of the Skins Match. It was brutal to watch, all right. Mike (nee. Vincent) Jones hits the ring, they brawl a bit, Mike sucker-punches Tank. Tank no-sells and KO's him at 0:55. Rating: Oh, gently caress off.  “Whose burger is next?” Yes, I know I left the timestamp on that picture of Tank. I'm not re-watching the show to replace it. More unfunny comedy with Nash and Ralphus. Someone hits Vampiro's loving music, so it's time for Undead Mexican Guy vs Dehydrated Leather Nature Boy. Vamp gets an ankle-lock off the feeling-out process, Ric makes the ropes. He shoves referee Billy Silverman, who returns the favour with MUSTARD. gently caress Hogan, put Billy in the ring at Uncensored. The next few minutes are a perfectly acceptable TV match, and thus, not as hilariously inept as the rest of the show so far.  Unexpected sighting of wrestling on this WCW show. So OF COURSE Lex and Liz wander out to ringside. You just couldn't resist, could you, WCW? Distraction by Lex, baseball bat to the knee, figure-four, game over for Vampiro at 5:42. Rating: Minus a billion stars for the usual WCW bullshit. After the break, Fit Finlay attacks Vampiro for exactly four seconds. Okay, then. Recap of Terry and Dustin Rhodes vs. The Harris Boys on Nitro, leading to a heel turn by Dustin. He's here, dressed like The Leather Santa-Taker. He berates the nearest fan, which seems to be SOP for WCW heels right now. I'm hoping it's just the same fan each week, wondering why he's always getting picked on. Dustin goes all Heel-dust on us, cutting a longer promo that three of tonight's matches put together. He also threatens literal Terry Funk-acide, along with cigar burns on the rear end.  The Dread Pirate Dustin Terry interjects via the medium of a silent movie, until the geniuses backstage turn on the audio of his video feed for him. They're both VERY obsessed with each other's asses, it seems. Dustin starts assaulting random crew members on the way out. Hope they got a few extra bucks in their pay packet this week. Next up, Crowbar (with a Pipe) vs. The Artist for the Cruiserweight title. But first, Terry Taylor sanctions a rematch between Mickie Jay and the Evil nWo Referee, because that's something no-one wanted to see. TAFKAPI and Paisley ooze their way out to the ring for their match. Unfortunately, Crowbar doesn't bring Daffney, meaning an automatic 1-star deduction for the match. Crowbar brings the crazy from the get-go, before skinning the cat and dumping TAFKAPI with a head-scissors. Dude deserved all the titles. His offense is crisp, and he's crazy over. So I'm expecting a pointless run-in or screwjob finish any second now. Crowbar hits a top-rope facebuster, and here's the run-in!  It's Daffney in tight Levi's, so I'm cool with it. TAFKAPI gets enthralled by Daffney's purple wig, then disgusted when it's revealed by Paisley that Daffney's not a natural purple. The man is an idiot. Chick-fight breaks out, TAFKAPI hits a jumping DDT for the win at 3:48. Rating: I can add back that one star, so this match gets... one star. Next, The Wall vs. Disco Inferno, for... reasons. Plus, Sid vs Lex Luger, as we've been informed every five minutes for the last hour. WE GET IT! Backstage, Kevin continues to be a giant comic book nerd. The Marmalukes get jumped by whatever the hell Lenny and Lodi are calling themselves this week, leaving Disco facing The Wall alone. He tries to weasel out of the match, claiming he's not a wrestler. I'll let you make your own jokes about that. The Wall ain't taking that poo poo, giving Disco a beating from the bell. Surprisingly, the match goes longer than a minute as Disco gets some offense in.  Then a chokeslam ends it. at 1:42. Rating: I couldn't give a Disco gently caress. After the break, match number 4,567 tonight is Billy Kidman & Booker vs The Harris Boys. This place was pushing some DULL-rear end dudes. Time check: Two matches to go, TWELVE MINUTES left in the show. Is it possible to force-feed a streaming service Ritalin? Kidman gets about 40 seconds of offense before the Harris'es start beating him like a lanky-haired pinata. Sloppy-rear end reversal and it's a hot tag, if such a thing can be called "hot" after two minutes of wrestling. Booker goes all Shucky Ducky on the Dull-as-Ditchwater Boys, before running into an H-Bomb and getting pinned at 3:25. Rating: You just jobbed out the faces in the less time that needed to boil an egg, WCW. What the gently caress were you smoking? Main Event time! We have nearly five whole minutes left in the show, so I hope they worked on their cardio.  Sid, listening for the taxi he called before heading out to the ring. Sid gives Lex the 10 punches in the corner. I'd have kept it to five, you're going to make the show over-run. Clothesline, Sid sells it like he ran the Boston marathon, then ran back to the starting line for his ride home. Ric Flair suddenly runs in, Charles Robinson overreacts so much I thought he was having a stroke. Sid beats the snot out of Flair and tries to powerbomb him, Luger hits him with the baseball bat to draw a DQ at 3:40. Rating: Get real. The heels beat up Sid and Li'l Naitch as the referees band together to prevent Jarrett getting to ringside. If you guessed there was a meeting between Mickey Jay's head and a guitar, you win the pony. And we're done. Holy hell, NINE matches in 80 minutes of air-time. And zero minutes of them were entertaining. Next week has a VERY low bar to clear. I suspect it won't.
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Jan 30, 2023 09:36
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