ASoIaF: A Song of Ice and Fire: George Rail Road Martin

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Azure_Horizon: Mar 27, 2010; by Reene

The Mutato posted:

Yes, this is our lovely inconsistent crowdsourced pansexual fanfic, but can we not describe the thoughts of someone who isn't the chapter POV? Makes me gag worse than bone dildos.

I went and edited and took them out, so I think we're good.

# ? Aug 12, 2012 09:40

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# ? Jun 4, 2024 12:20

bigmcgaffney: Apr 19, 2009

Grrrm suck am I right guys, stop writing lovely porn, I am DISGUSTED by what I found here in this thread, lets talk about the books and not about how creepy the author is, also my username is abstract I don't want to really Rape. jake who is jake I mean its a JOKE

gently caress you tools, goddamn shitstains

# ? Aug 12, 2012 12:00

The Mutato: Feb 23, 2011; Neil deGrasse Highson

Azure_Horizon posted:

I went and edited and took them out, so I think we're good.

This is my 'thank you' face.

# ? Aug 12, 2012 12:25

Shageletic: Jul 25, 2007

Shageletic fucked around with this message at 18:19 on Dec 3, 2022

# ? Aug 12, 2012 15:53

Azure_Horizon: Mar 27, 2010; by Reene

Shageletic posted:

By the way your chapter was stupendous (second time I've used that word today, I think I have a favorite word). I was slow clapping at my computer as I read it.

EDIT: ^^^ Looks like if a Disney cartoon tried to anthromorphorize an angry red anus.

Thanks! I tried my GRRMiest.

# ? Aug 12, 2012 20:04

Shageletic: Jul 25, 2007

Shageletic fucked around with this message at 18:11 on Dec 3, 2022

# ? Aug 12, 2012 20:20

bigmcgaffney: Apr 19, 2009

Shageletic posted:

And it was quite Gurmy. Quite gurmy indeed.

Here's another aperitif, from the bounty I am currently vomiting out.

Glorious. A tear comes to my eye, and falls, glittering, into my toilet, lost forever like a shooting star among the Pleiades, except in this case the nebula is full of vomit from witnessing double-goatse first thing in the morning.

# ? Aug 12, 2012 20:58

Shageletic: Jul 25, 2007

Shageletic fucked around with this message at 18:11 on Dec 3, 2022

# ? Aug 12, 2012 22:34

Bluedust: Jan 7, 2009; by Ralp

Man I love this thread, seriously.

# ? Aug 12, 2012 22:40

Sophia: Apr 16, 2003; The heart wants what the heart wants.

Can a woman still be brave if she's afraid?

# ? Aug 12, 2012 22:49

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

Sophia posted:

Can a woman still be brave if she's afraid?

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." -- Ambrose Redmon

# ? Aug 12, 2012 22:58

Thulsa Doom: Jun 20, 2011; Ezekiel 23:20

Can a woman still be brave if she magically grows a penis?

How about two? I'm looking for some kind of limit here.

# ? Aug 12, 2012 22:59

Urdnot Fire: Feb 13, 2012

Ambiguatron posted:

Can a woman still be brave if she magically grows a penis?

How about two? I'm looking for some kind of limit here.

Only if she grows three, for there must be three heads. It is known.

# ? Aug 12, 2012 23:02

bigmcgaffney: Apr 19, 2009

What a conclusion. Knocked out of the loving park. It all comes together, and it is amazing.

# ? Aug 12, 2012 23:06

Shageletic: Jul 25, 2007

bigmcgaffney posted:

What a conclusion. Knocked out of the loving park. It all comes together, and it is amazing.

Thanks! I tried. I don't know why!

# ? Aug 12, 2012 23:10

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

Perfume, Requiem for a Dream, and Every Which Way But Loose references: Nice.

Martindale: Nice.

The end: Very nice. Bravo.

# ? Aug 12, 2012 23:58

Shageletic: Jul 25, 2007

A GLISTENING HODOR posted:

Perfume, Requiem for a Dream, and Every Which Way But Loose references: Nice.

Martindale: Nice.

The end: Very nice. Bravo.

Thanks! To put off my poo poo-stained irony hat aside (it looks alot like GURM's stupid captain hat), this was a nice writing exercise (for goatse fan fiction). It helped me realize the key to writing is just doing it. Just vomit the words out and let God sort them out.

# ? Aug 13, 2012 00:08

Sophia: Apr 16, 2003; The heart wants what the heart wants.

A GLISTENING HODOR posted:

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." -- Ambrose Redmon

"The best fantasy is written in the language of dreams. It is alive as dreams are alive, more real than real ... for a moment at least ... that long magic moment before we wake." ~GRRM

# ? Aug 13, 2012 00:29

Urdnot Fire: Feb 13, 2012

Sophia posted:

"The best fantasy is written in the language of dreams. It is alive as dreams are alive, more real than real ... for a moment at least ... that long magic moment before we wake." ~GRRM

Holy poo poo he actually said that. I thought you were attributing a quote from someone else to him, but those are his words.

v It's sad comparing quotes from GRRM then to GRRM now.

Urdnot Fire fucked around with this message at 00:42 on Aug 13, 2012

# ? Aug 13, 2012 00:38

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

"Eeheeheeheeheeeeee!" - GRRM

# ? Aug 13, 2012 00:40

bigmcgaffney: Apr 19, 2009

"So Alfie, are you going to thank me for all those sex scenes? Must have been fun if you know what I mean. And I mean boobies." - GRRM

# ? Aug 13, 2012 00:45

Thulsa Doom: Jun 20, 2011; Ezekiel 23:20

"I'm disappointed I didn't see several hours of your left titty, Emilia." -George Raymond Richard Martin

# ? Aug 13, 2012 00:51

Carly Gay Dead Son: Aug 27, 2007; Bonus.

"Hey Doc, I got poo poo all up in my dick! And while you're down there, how bout removing that week-old chorizo from my bunghole?"

-JRR Tolkien Reborn

# ? Aug 13, 2012 00:56

El Hefe: Oct 31, 2006; You coulda had a V8/
Instead of a tre-eight slug to yo' cranium/
I got six and I'm aimin' 'em/
Will I bust or keep you guessin'

"I'm working full tilt"
- GURM

# ? Aug 13, 2012 01:04

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

"Meanwhile, at the Wall" - Absolute Fucker

# ? Aug 13, 2012 02:16

IRQ: Sep 9, 2001; SUCK A DICK, DUMBSHITS!

Gurm is an absolute fucker.

# ? Aug 13, 2012 02:28

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

It is known.

# ? Aug 13, 2012 02:43

Blade_of_tyshalle: Jul 12, 2009; If you think that, along the way, you're not going to fail... you're blind.

There's no one I've ever met, no matter how successful they are, who hasn't said they had their failures along the way.

IRQ posted:

Gurm is an absolute fucker.

Le Gurm est une fouqu�re absolument.

# ? Aug 13, 2012 04:18

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

Blade_of_tyshalle posted:

Le Gurm est une fouquére absolument.

Il est connu.

# ? Aug 13, 2012 04:41

kcroy: May 30, 2002; by Nyc_Tattoo

Looks like your writing has inspired him! We may actually get to see another book.

http://grrm.livejournal.com/286255.html

# ? Aug 13, 2012 04:42

Kavak: Aug 23, 2009

Der Gurm ist ein absolutes Arschloch

# ? Aug 13, 2012 04:44

bigmcgaffney: Apr 19, 2009

kcroy posted:

Looks like your writing has inspired him! We may actually get to see another book.

http://grrm.livejournal.com/286255.html

Horus and Anubis with SMGs?!?!?

I'M IN

# ? Aug 13, 2012 04:44

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

kcroy posted:

Looks like your writing has inspired him! We may actually get to see another book.

http://grrm.livejournal.com/286255.html

Mood: bouncy

# ? Aug 13, 2012 04:45

Blade_of_tyshalle: Jul 12, 2009; If you think that, along the way, you're not going to fail... you're blind.

There's no one I've ever met, no matter how successful they are, who hasn't said they had their failures along the way.

I wish GRRM's blog was on deviantArt. Then his mood could potentially be "have to pee" which is I'm sure a much better indicator of his general state of being than "bouncy".

# ? Aug 13, 2012 05:13

Paisano: Jul 2, 2007; Oh holy shit... that's my offensive line?

So I finally finished these books and thought I'd check by here to talk about them. Then I read the last few pages of the thread.

... I think I'll see myself out.

# ? Aug 13, 2012 06:54

OldPueblo: May 2, 2007; Likes to argue. Wins arguments with ignorant people. Not usually against educated people, just ignorant posters. Bing it.

Paisano posted:

So I finally finished these books and thought I'd check by here to talk about them. Then I read the last few pages of the thread.

... I think I'll see myself out.

If you leave this thread your name gets used in the book. Nobody leaves this thread untainted.

# ? Aug 13, 2012 06:56

syscall girl: Nov 7, 2009; by FactsAreUseless; Fun Shoe

OldPueblo posted:

If you leave this thread your name gets used in the book. Nobody leaves this thread untainted.

But the only use for that name is a gritty crime drama... oh poo poo.

# ? Aug 13, 2012 07:17

whowhatwhere: Mar 15, 2010; SHINee's back

We already did A Song of Ice and Wire once, we can do it again.

# ? Aug 13, 2012 08:30

Arbite: Nov 4, 2009

Or have the whole chapter. Hope you like dream sequences, obsessive food descriptions, helpful recipes, Shakespearean beats, inside jokes, recurring jokes, tariff policy, references to WCW circa 1999, the clan, abrupt endings, overused ellipses, and so much more...

Brendan posted:

Chapter 20 - Brendan

They were in the meadow again.

�Oh Miri,� Brendan said as he gazed upon her, taking in her full intoxicating beauty �You can�t imagine how happy I feel being here with you, observing your face and eating these delicious pastries, it�s enough to make any man jubilant.�

�The best is yet to come my lord� she replied with a coy grin. �I have a surprise for you, the one I think you�ll find most enjoyable.� With that said she began to slowly, so slowly, so painfully slowly, undo the various findings that kept her outermost layers his to behold. As her much and more fastened clothing faded away, as more of her became visible he saw lumps. Not the two he had been hoping to see, of these were lumps of... lemony cakes? Meaty Pies? A delicious Korroke Pan Croquette that Sabarumushima-sama had once served during his voyage from the easternmost of lands, with just the right mixture of ground beef and pork, cooked to perfection in a stone oven with the lightest pinch of nutmeg to get the taste buds from the fore of the tongue to the aft of the throat singing in exultation... a myriad pastries spilled from the Miri robes as she unbuttoned.

�Miri, oh Miri, oh Miri me,� said Brenden as he breathlessly took in the sight, �let us...�

There was a sound like someone punching a tree.

�What? Who could interrupt us?� Another punch �and why now?�

Suddenly the tree was felled by another blow, and there was a loud �Hogor!�

Looking up from his sheets, he saw that the giant had knocked the damned door in!

On a whim, he stretched out his mind to the memories of those around him, seeking the cause of this disruption, and it began five minutes earlier...

�Deluce,� said the seneschal �Go fetch Hoger to wake our lord, for his sister, Ardi, who has come from the south bearing important news has arrived at the gate of our Autumn-Fall.�

�Here�s to awaking indeed! If a
man were awakened from hell-dreams, he might have
a wretch blasting the door.

Wake,
wake, wake! Who dares, i� in the name of
Elderest? Here�s a failure, who wrote
himself in the expectation of a praise: come to-
night, have wrappers strewn about you; here
you�ll read o�it.

Wake,
wake! Who dares in other wretch�s
name? My, here�s a fool of a joiner, he could
be making the plays against other plays;
who committed complaint enough for none�s sake,
yet could not arise himself to obstain: O, be
gone, foul unbalancer.

Wake,
Wake, wake! Who�s next? Fail, here�s a
powered soul, come hither, for stealing from our
Age�s great fun: come in, oh wrack; here you may
toss your Shadow.

Wake,
wake; never at peace! What are you? But
this place is too clean for home. You�ll never prosper
here much further. We had thought to have let out
some of all regressions that go the ploin-shape
way to everlasting cook-pyre.
Oh guest, oh guest, I pray you, remember the waker.�

Hoger appears, glistening from rolling through the dew.

�Ho-ger Ho-ger, Ho, Ho-ger ho-ger ho-ger,
Ho-ger Ho-ger Ho-ger?�

�Foul sir, we were neck-braiding with the
poor clothes: and threads, sir, are a great
decider of three things.�

�Ho-ger Ho-GER HO, Hogerhogerho, hoger?�

�Oh faith, sir, fun-causing, rage, and
making GBS threads. Naughtiness, sir, they bring forth, and take away;
it brings forth the power, but it un-
prevokes the fine response: therefore, a thread
may be called as like an equivocator with naughtiness:
it makes much, and it mars much; it eggs
him on, and it takes him off; it allays him,
and distresses him; makes him laugh much, and
not laugh much; in conclusion, makes equal with him
in a dream, and, giving illusion, fools him.�

�Ho HoGER Ho-ger ho-ger HO-gER ho-ger�

�That may be, sir, i� the very pen on
me: but I requested him this task; and, I
think, being too wise for him, though he took
up my choice this time, yet I made a poo poo to spite him.

�Ho-gor Hogor Hogor?� he questioned, as he picked up Deluce and began banging the man�s head against the door to Brendan�s room.

No response coming from either side, he banged him against the door again.

As he tossed Deluce out a several storey high window, he couldn�t help but muse:

�Ho-gor Ho-gor ho-Gor.�

Now to kick down the loosened door...

Snapping back to the present, Brendan said �But why, Hogor, why did you need to wake me right now?

�Hogor Ho Hogorho� Hogor explained.

�But I have to... deal with... affairs... here...� he trailed off.

Thinking fast, he said �Alright, well, I must greet her with all possible ceremony. Hogor, it is very important that she... chooses to... or rather readies herself to be brought before the household. The family name depends on it. Plus she must be exhausted from her journey, I�ll give her time to break her fast on our exquisite beef stew, cut from only the finest of our cattle, the most treasured potatoes, and the most carefully sliced of our ginger, this meal has been allowed to sit until a slight skin developed over-top of it and then rigorously stirred until stewed to the satisfaction of our master chef. You too can partake in that meal, Hogor, provided you explain everything to them in great detail. Repeatedly. See you later.�

�Ho-gor ho-gor Hogor Ho.� said Hogor, lifting the door behind him.

�Not soon enough,� Brendan sighed. It was going to be a long day of a great many hardships.

At the Break-Bad table

�oval office! More brew!� As the regular cries of an Autumn-Fall meal wound down, each of the diners was provided with a mix delectable drink made of two large basil leaves, cut into thin strips after having been carefully rolled, three spoons of rhubarb mixed with sugar and water, and mixed with the tartest, cheapest, more inexplicably popular form of alchohol that had inexplicably taken off across all of Westeros (despite any fool with a semblance of a ramshackle distillery can mix together in a fortnight while proper alchohol, carefully aged and mixed over the course of decades languished in popularity and had its prices driven up in the name of going �upmarket� only to take off again and become even further out of reach for the average serf who just wants a nice scotch at the end of the day and doesn�t want to have to worry about the fact that to get a proper 30 year old is now 300 dragon dollers on the low end and that�s if they manage to avoid paying the duties of the few locations that seem to carry them and nevermind the fact that Autumn-Fall has slapped a major tariff on all Alchoholic beverages in the name of the public health and also to pay for its wretched financial inefficiencies, only now they�re planning on keeping the tariff but selling off their exclusive to booze so that prices are bound to go even higher as various private interests decide that they want to make money on top of the government�s pre-existing cut forcing citizens to drive across the borderlands in order to save money and needing to lie to the guards about just what they are carrying in the back of their wagon or they�re like to get tariffed 200% of the cost of their purchase) to ease digestion.

Designated Reception Area

Brendan prepared to formally receive his sister in the designated reception area. It was nice. It had a big chair he sat upon.
Stepping over the corpse of Deluce, Ardi and Gennden entered the area began their introductions.

�It is most heartening to see you again brother, after all this time apart. I am most curious as to why you have had us proceed with such formality?

�Nothing. Shut up. Never mind. Good to see you too. Who�s he?� This was the fastest he had ever talked in front of her.

�This is Glen, bastard son of the true king, or somesuch, and also a good companion to have. On the road.� She finished.

�Lord Brendan, I...�

�Lord Brendan, I can�t believe you�re the first person to call me that. I wonder if I can get... oh please, continue.�

�Lord Brendan, I have been able to accompany your sister along this perilous journey so that we might be able to give you a warning regarding the urgency of our situation. Sarah and James have schemed a trap for your family, we must know within the day what exactly happened when your father and mine were killed.�

�Does Glenfiddich speak the truth, Ardi?� Asked Brendan.

�He does, brother, please, whatever can be done must be done now.� She looked at him with desperation.

�I see the situation is more desperate than my 13 year old mind could have imagined. I believe there is a way to find out the whole truth, to find out this very night, but it will take some preparation...�

Later that evening

�Preparations seem to be complete,� declared Brendan to the assembled crowd on the roof, �but let�s double-check the list:

Hogor?�

�Hogor.�

�The elder druids known as the No Limit Owls, led by Master E?�

�Hootie hoo!�

�Five prisoners sentenced to death?

�Owl is crap!�

�Shut up. Bedpost, with hanger heated on burning stove for half an hour?�

�Fucker, I think it�s about time they suffered.�

�Dresser and spiked bat?�

�It cleans out my sinuses.�

�Rusty screwdriver?�

�Tick tock and keep stabbin.�

�Alright, that seems to be everything we need. Master E, if you would please begin.�

�Brother,� said Ardi as the assembled men went to their posts �Why all this ceremony, I understood you could enter a person�s mind and see their memories already.�

�True,� he replied �but that was only a very short term memory. In order to recall something from so long ago, particularly such a traumatic and suppressed memory, I am going to require additional power. I have drawn ornate triangles on the roof already, and at each of the five points we are going to be draining the very essence of these prisoners to fuel my great dive into the darkest corners of Hogor�s mind. You may not want to watch this... torture.�

�Torture, motherfucker!� Said Jizzer one of the druids.

�Hootie Hoo!� replied the aged unclean fatherless.

�The ceremony is about to begin, it�s your last chance...� Down came the spiked bat. �Ooh, too late. I must begin. Hogor, with me.�

Amidst the cries of agony and many shouts of �Hootie Hoo,� Brendan and Hogor moved to the center of the many triangles.

Gesturing that Hogor should lie down on his stomach, Brendan grabbed the giant�s head and began to pore over his memories.

Power like he had never before felt coursed through him. The myriad memories of the giant�s lifetime were all around him.

�Knocking down my door, rolling through the dew... no, much further back.�

He reached deeper �Oh, he remembers that incident in the kitchens. Oh dear. What do Hogor�s dream of I wonder?� The mindscape suddenly became very red �Never mind! Now, back, back further...�

Brendan slowly opened his eyes, then ran towards the stairway leading down.

�Ardi, Hogor saw it all! Get Glengarry, we must ride tonight.�

�What did you see?� She replied �And what should we do with the... remains?�

�The Owls will...� he began.

�Hootie Hoo!� Came a chorus.

�Yes, they�ll deal with it. Now get the Monarch of the Glen and meet me at the stables!� He raced down the interior of Autumn-Fall and outside onto courtyard, not stopping until he burst into stables.

�Groomsman Paisano,� he shouted to the drunken heap, �one pony, two small horses and a destrier, now!�

Ardi and Gennden arrived just as the cavalry was being saddled, with Hogor close behind them.

�It was Sarah and James, they and their men killed our fathers! We must get to Emperor�s Crossing before it�s too late!� Brendan was running out of breath.

�Slow down, Brendan,� said Ardi, �What exactly did you see?�

�We must get moving,� he frantically replied �I�ll explain it on the road. Everyone, mount your horses... Hogor no! Oh, false alarm. We'll meet Miri along the way. Come on, Ardi, Genndy, Hogor, we ride!�

# ? Aug 13, 2012 10:30

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# ? Jun 4, 2024 12:20

Rape Jake.: Feb 23, 2012; by T. Mascis

bigmcgaffney posted:

Grrrm suck am I right guys, stop writing lovely porn, I am DISGUSTED by what I found here in this thread, lets talk about the books and not about how creepy the author is, also my username is abstract I don't want to really Rape. jake who is jake I mean its a JOKE

gently caress you tools, goddamn shitstains

Unban all the ADTRW paedophiles, folks, we've found a loophole.

# ? Aug 13, 2012 11:01

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > The Book Barn > ASoIaF: A Song of Ice and Fire: George Rail Road Martin

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