|
quote:CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE Two books of anticipation building up to the home of the Seated Five (which is also their literal and metaphorical seat of power) and the best Green can come up with is "big".  quote:Just try not to forget what we have to do tonight.” And she still hasn't figured out how to not rely on butler and maid dialogue.  quote:“But right now I’d like to ask—Rion, have you ever been here to the palace before?” Green doesn't know either. Because this is never elaborated upon. Even though you would think knowing everybody's genealogy would be one of those things that any nobility who are obsessed with bloodlines would be all over. quote:And whatever it is, Rion thought, it wasn’t enough to keep someone from having him put in with a low class group of applicants. He’d done a lot of thinking during the hours just past, and he’d come to the inarguable conclusion that he could well lose Naran because of that fact. If he were still in his proper position he could hire people to search for her, as it was a virtual certainty that his peer equals involved in the competitions had not been cut off from their personal funds. But he had been, and the piddling few pieces of gold allowed him were all but useless. Except Book 5 spoilers no one would be able to find her unless she wanted them to, Sight magic and all though Book 6 spoilers Rion actually comes up with what seems to be a super lame way to defeat that. quote:Rion couldn’t yet see the palace from where he sat in the coach opposite Jovvi and Tamrissa, and was in no mood to turn around and look. The fact was that he would have stayed at the residence if that had been possible, partially in the hope that Naran would get in touch with him again. For the rest, he felt a great reluctance to be in a place where he just might run into someone he knew. His feelings of helplessness put him at a great disadvantage, but he would never again be the innocent fool he once was. If someone he knew came over to play the game of bait-the-victim, he’d probably cause a scene. But you guys are masked so...?  You could just pretend to not know them? Except we know that Kambil's going to be looking out for him, and you can't pull one over on someone with Spirit magic like that.quote:The ladies continued on with occasional comments, but happily none were directed at him. He’d volunteered to be the one to accompany them in their coach as he’d really had no stomach to keep up his corner of a conversation with the other men. Not that you guys actually have much conversation anyway. You all just sit there and brood broodingly out the windows, unless Green needs you to rehash some boring stuff that we already saw happen. quote:He was there in case the other coach was somehow delayed, as having two ladies arrive at the palace unescorted was unthinkable. None of them had known that, of course, not having had experience with the palace before this. Protocols were incredibly inflexible, and the ladies would have been left standing on the approach despite their invitations if they had arrived unescorted.  is this. Did Green pull some BS from the turn of the 18th century Buckingham Palace protocols after it was newly constructed?quote:Rion and the other men hadn’t told the ladies that, however, as there had been enough disturbance in everyone’s mind without that point. Because the Highest Aspect knows that women just wouldn't be able to cope with that knowledge! Also would it be so bad to be left standing on the approach? Sounds like a good excuse to me to make myself scarce and head for better entertainment elsewhere. quote:Where only a short while ago they had all been members of a closeknit group,  when was this? Because despite all of my copious notes, I really don't remember this at all.quote:now they’d somehow withdrawn into their individual selves. Jovvi, apparently the only one left with any sort of enthusiasm for continuing on, had somehow gotten them all to agree to try to reach members of the other groups. Rion had agreed as well and would keep his word to make the attempt, but it remained to be seen how successful it would be. Inconsistency within a single chapter.  quote:All too soon their coach pulled up to the near approach, so Rion got out and turned to help the ladies. Behind him the palace blazed with the multicolored light of a hundred lanterns, The palace is "big" and lit like a Christmas tree decorated by a five year old. Got it. quote:and others could be seen arriving in coaches and carriages. All of them were costumed and masked just as Rion and the others were, but not in the same costumes and masks. Jovvi had been quite correct to say that they’d been marked for some purpose, and that fact simply added to Rion’s depression. I want to go back to reading Baru where masks have significance and thematic importance. quote:The ladies held Rion’s arms as they all strolled up the approach toward the main entrance, Ro and Coll following right behind. So...like this?  But with blue and silver ABBA pantsuits instead? quote:Their coach hadn’t been delayed by anything after all, so the group would be able to enter as a group. Those who stood about the approach and on the verandah talking or waiting for friends stared at them, then began to exchange low-voiced, excited comments. ok so this palace is "big", lit up like a Christmas tree decorated by a five year old and has a verandah?quote:“Isn’t it nice that so many people are impressed by our arrival?” Jovvi murmured. “After a single look they know exactly who we are, and they’re very impressed. Now why would people like them be impressed by a group which has ‘won’ only a single, low-level competition?” I'm picturing this:  But with everything sequined in an eye-blinding pattern like this:  quote:Tamrissa giggled over the comment, and even Rion was forced to smile. He disliked Lady Eltrina even more than they did, although the disparaging comment about her costume would have been laughed at by the woman. She’d obviously spent a fortune having it made, and that would be all that concerned her. Sigh. Remember when Eltrina was tastefully fashionable with a suit that Tamrissa envied? quote:“Yes, let that group through, they’re my people and expected,” Lady Eltrina was saying to the guardsmen on duty as they reached the huge, double-doored entrance. “I’ll take charge of them, and show them where to go.” "Big", lit like a Christmas tree decorated by a five year old, has a verandah and a huge, double-doored entrance. quote:The head guardsman nodded and spoke softly to his men, so no properly engraved invitation was demanded of them. I'm confused why Eltrina even had to let them in, since they're in uniforms, albeit horribly gaudy ones. Nobody else is going to be wearing these. The doorguard should just have orders to let anybody in these stupid uniforms through, because (as you'll see) there are very specific color combinations too. quote:Those guests at the entrance before them stepped aside to allow them through, and Lady Eltrina gave them a wide, pleased smile. What a useless comment. So far, they've been chauffeured everywhere by testing authority coaches/drivers. They have had nothing to do with arriving on time! quote:“Just follow me, and I’ll show you to the ballroom.” Oh come on, YOU'RE IN UNIFORM–you know, the ones that she personally brought you?! Because that was such a good use of her time? quote:Rion discovered that he’d unconsciously begun to increase his pace to match Lady Eltrina’s, and was therefore glad that Jovvi had brought it to his attention. Hurrying in that woman’s wake was the last thing he wanted to do, even if it ruined Lady Eltrina’s good mood. Especially if it ruined her mood. "Big", lit like a Christmas tree decorated by a five year old, has a verandah and a huge, double-doored entrance, which leads to a central hall forty feet (~12m) wide with carved marble walls and ceiling. quote:Eltrina eventually discovered that they weren’t right behind her, and her annoyance was clear when they finally caught up. She’d stopped at the entrance to an enormous ballroom, which seemed nevertheless to be well filled with people. They could hear music playing and see that some people were dancing—at least until Eltrina blocked their view. Remember when Eltrina was an ambitious woman with her own agenda who wielded her sexuality like a weapon instead of just another person vulnerable to Vallant's immeasurable "charm"? quote:With that she swept away, leaving a group of grimly satisfied people. Despite the masks, Rion could tell that the others had enjoyed Ro’s comments just as much as he had. This is the most awkward layout for a quote:“Maybe the point will be that we’re supposed to look them over as well,” Jovvi suggested. “If we don’t take advantage of the opportunity it won’t be their fault, not when we ought to be bright enough to have figured it out for ourselves. So I don’t know about the rest of you, but if any of them come over here to ‘chat’ with us, I’m going to be doing some definite looking.” What would be smarter is MOVING AROUND. Just leave a lookout for when the Seated Blending is coming. quote:Murmurs of agreement came in answer to her suggestion, but Rion wasn’t certain he cared to add his own. He detested the idea of being looked over as though he were a horse or a bolt of cloth about to be bought, which was undoubtedly the way those heavy-handed fools would manage it. Ah well, he’d already resigned himself to the probability of being a part of an unpleasant scene…  but reinvented by Heston Blumenthal. Except if it was reinvented by Heston, it'd look like mozzarella sticks but turn out to be pureed cat tongue or something which sounds disgusting except it'd actually turn out to be the most delicious thing you've ever tasted. quote:Only a short while went by while they sipped their wine and devoured cheese bits, and then suddenly there were people joining them. The people only just happened to be wearing costumes of gold and blue, and they all seemed to be rather amused. So spoilers for the next chapter, that was Adriari's Blending, i.e. the handpicked Blending of spoilers for Book 3 Middles that has been set up to win. I can't even work out what this strategy of attempted intimidation is supposed to do. Frighten your opponents into throwing the competition? That's a stupid motivator, and Green is trying to set up these antagonists as stupid, I know, but this is so on the nose it's on the level of Mean Girls Karen, which means you only get one pass for including one character like that per story and you'd better give them some other attribute to go along with it. Kambil's plan (which had flaws of its own) is so much better than it's not even in the same plane of existence. quote:Rion exchanged disturbed glances with the others, also disliking the implications. The group of people who had approached them were mindless fools, but they knew things that Rion and the others didn’t. Were those things important enough to mean an absolute defeat in the competition? If they weren’t, how could people raised in the midst of political backstabbing and social intrigue be so unconcerned? Well, yeah, considering you've all been dosed with mind control drugs, you're headed for absolute defeat. Not-spoilers, because we've known that since Chapter 16 of Book 1. quote:And even more importantly, was there any chance that he would survive what lay ahead of them even so far as to see Naran again? Somehow, he was beginning to doubt that… I would like one character–just one–whose "cliffhangers" don't revolve around their love interest. quote:* * * Spirit magic is so useful that I don't know why you wouldn't be constantly checking everyone around you if you had that talent. quote:But it seemed that their Spirit magic user hadn’t checked, so they all rode a cloud of happy accomplishment that was meant to turn into openly acknowledged victory. Kambil still found it hard to believe that supposedly intelligent people could assume success at something without making more than a token effort to cause it to happen. He found it hard to believe, but knowing the way most of his peers had been raised, he also didn’t doubt it. Well, spoilers for the next chapter the gold and blue Blending technically has the basis for it which you're going to be pointing out yourself. quote:And yet, that made his chore a good deal easier. He’d gently felt around the group in blue and silver with his talent, and had already located Clarion Mardimil. Or Rion Mardimil, as he now called himself. Being on the receiving end again of the same sort of contempt he’d gotten all his life from his supposed peers would disturb Mardimil even more, and Mardimil’s disturbance would be Kambil’s advantage.  why? What difference does the order in which you investigate the competition matter?quote:but this was too good an opportunity to miss. Their opponents in orange hadn’t yet arrived, and if Kambil waited it was likely that Mardimil’s mood would change to one a good deal less usable. Spoilers for Book 5 I wonder if this is part of Grami's programming of Kambil, or if Green's trying to remind us that we're supposed to like Kambil but not really. quote:Mardimil’s distraction wasn’t so deep that he didn’t realize Kambil deliberately approached him, so Kambil nodded as he came in speaking distance. A dozen? It's really hard to keep track of how large each rank of the nobility is. quote:But if you would be interested in some oblique payback…?” How long ago did you last see each other? Because if it's been years, then these social circles are huge. Is this Green's excuse for not doing any worldbuilding around her ranks of nobility? quote:Mardimil remained silent, but his emotions betrayed him by loudly denying the contention. The man positively yearned for acceptance by his peers, a truth it took no talent at all to know. So as far as I can tell from how this is written (and remember we're in Kambil's POV, so if he's actively doing something, we should know about it!), Kambil is doing nothing with his Spirit magic other than to keep tabs on Rion's emotions. I am so disappointed by this because why would you send your Spirit magic user into a critical situation like this and NOT use them to full effect? quote:“I know you’ll make the right decision,” he said with as warm a smile as he could manage. “The girl we now have in your proper place is just a girl, and as incompetent as they all are. You must have had your hands full with the ones in your own group, and I can’t wait to hear the stories you must have. Just imagine, a girl trying to get somewhere with Fire magic, the position that requires the most strength in a Blending. You’ll have to tell me just how womanly weak she really is.” This is maybe the second reference to the importance of Fire magic to a Blending, after Tamrissa's mastery chapters. I hate this mechanic so much because it will turn out to be completely nonsensical and doesn't make a practical difference until Book 8. Yes really. quote:Mardimil smiled and parted his lips, about to tell Kambil exactly what he wanted to know. Kambil could feel it, and that brought him a sense of triumph. Despite even his own misgivings, he’d actually managed to pull it off! Wait, so you had misgivings before not because you had moral objections but because you doubted your chances of success? Because this is NOT how that read. I call Green retconning this because she accidentally made Kambil too sympathetic for one of her antagonists. Summary: Day 9 Eltrina delivers sparking custom tailored ABBA-esque cosplay gear for the gang to wear to the masked ball at the palace. Our protagonists have a Very Conspicious Not-Meeting in the garden where they agree to try and win the competitions and become the next Seated Five with as much enthusiasm as someone agreeing to a root canal. One of Hallina's spies delivers verbal threats to Rion regarding Rion and Naran; the spy is magically assaulted by Rion and agrees to convince all of the spies to abandon the mission out of fear for their lives. Homin, Delin, Bron, Selendi and Kambil are also forced into a communal living situation and meet Hiblit, a living automaton version of Eltrina. Delin and Kambil have discovered the competition structure will be 5v5 in round 1, 2v2 in round 2, 1v1 in round 3 (with the pre-selected winners sitting this one out), then 1v1. Everybody shows up to the palace, which is "big", lit like a Christmas tree decorated by a five year old and has a verandah. Once inside, all of the competing proto-Blendings are positioned like color coded chess pieces. Kambil flatters Rion with a fake offer of switching Blendings in exchange for intel on Tamrissa and co. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 40 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 19 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace MEALS ON-SCREEN: 24 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 14 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x1), shared themselves (x1), exercise (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 16 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 61 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 46 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 14 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 14 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 62 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 33 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 48 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 24 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 7 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 6, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: We'll get to this at the end of the whole palace sequence. Which won't be in this book (which physically finishes in the next chapter on a stupid cliffhanger) but in the beginning of Book 3 which has the actual "ending" of Book 2. EDIT: fixed broken spoiler tag, sorry! Leng fucked around with this message at 12:32 on Mar 21, 2021 |
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 13:21
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 31, 2024 12:16 |
|
|
I suspect that the bit with Adriari's Blending was supposed to be them having some pretty cruel fun given they know they are being set up to destroy the protagonists as they are helpless.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 23:04
|
|
|
Liquid Communism posted:I suspect that the bit with Adriari's Blending was supposed to be them having some pretty cruel fun given they know they are being set up to destroy the protagonists as they are helpless. That makes more sense though it's really hard to tell the difference between that characterization and Green's general characterization of antagonists as obliviously arrogant people who are completely out of touch with reality. I can't help thinking that Adriari would have been a really interesting choice of POV for an antagonist. She's a Middle in the midst of all these Highs, has been handpicked to be part of the next set of puppets–it could have been a much more nuanced take on somebody within the nobility taking apart the nobility itself and seizing power for real. Or any of the other various noble-turned-ally storylines where they realize how sucky their corrupt system is. Hell, combine it with spoilers for the sequel trilogy Edmin's whole arc and it could have been much more interesting than it turned out to be.
|
|
#
?
Mar 17, 2021 01:18
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER FORTY-SIX Spoilers for two pages into this chapter: Did we just see Jovvi use Spirit magic on Rion? Because this is a very abrupt change in internal monologue. I can't tell because Green writes all of her monologues in the same style! quote:“Our Fire magic user is a lovely lady,” Rion said instead, looking at Arstin levelly. “But rather than talk about her, tell me how soon I’d be able to transfer to your group.” I do not believe that Spirit magic users have this level of poor self control over their public display of emotions. IT'S LIKE PART OF YOUR MAGIC AND EVERYTHING. quote:“If that means you’ve decided to join us, I couldn’t be more pleased. But don’t you have anything you’d like to say about the lady of Fire? Surely she’s joined the others in treating you quite intolerably?” Maybe you should try to string Rion along and be a little more subtle about your investigations? Like this is not exactly a conducive environment for confidential discussions of this nature? Kambil is so bad at this. quote:“As a matter of fact, they’ve all treated me rather well,” Rion told him, suddenly and belatedly suspicious. It would take an entire week to arrange something Arstin claimed everyone wanted? When people had previously been shifted out of the residence in half a day’s time or less? And especially since Kambil literally said in the last chapter he's already spoken to everyone and gotten approval for it. quote:“And I’d like to know why you keep asking about Dama Domon. One question on the subject can be considered casual conversation; two questions in as many minutes is not in the least casual.” OMG this is the worst attempt at saving ever. And here's in-text confirmation of Jovvi swooping in! quote:Begin by discussing one of the others instead, and return to Dama Domon when you feel more comfortable discussing her.” OMFG Kambil, abandon mission if you want any hope of salvaging this, you're just making Rion more suspicious! quote:“Your friendly ear doesn’t seem to hear very well,” Rion observed, forcing himself to face the unpalatable truth. “I told you that I was treated well, but you ignored that in an effort to get me talking. You and your group don’t want me, you simply want the information I can give you.” How is a High in Spirit magic THIS BAD at reading people? I don't even need Spirit magic to be reading this situation. Kambil should have started backing off like 4 exchanges of dialogue ago! quote:But Rion understood what was happening now, and simply showed a faint smile. Well I guess we ought to give Kambil credit for this. He's like the one antagonist in this series who has/will openly admit to being bested when confronted with reality. Which automatically makes him the best. quote:“I hope you don’t mind if I say how well I think you handled that,” a soft voice murmured, and Rion turned his head to see Jovvi beside him. “I noticed him come up to you and begin to touch you with his talent, so I … helped out.”  There are violations of Sanderson's First Law everywhere. Stop. Having. Protagonists. Pull. Unforeshadowed. Magic. Solutions. Out. Of. Their. Asses!  quote:Just exactly what I did… I’ll have to think about that for a while before I make any attempt to describe it.” Not-spoilers: she won't, and it won't come up again, other than Jovvi telling people "I'm protecting them so you haven't got a chance, haha", which we will see happen in Book 6. quote:“Take all the time you need,” Rion said, smiling at her fondly. “But you must also take my thanks, for keeping me from making a fool of myself. I wanted so very much to believe Arstin—after having conveniently forgotten that my … ‘own kind’ can’t be trusted not to betray even the people they consider friends. I expected to feel bitter disappointment over having lost an opportunity, but what I feel instead is relief. It’s you and the others who are ‘my kind,’ not them.”  this is all so on the nose.quote:But what did that man want from you? I know he was trying to make you believe something, but I don’t know exactly what.” Please don't do a recap of what JUST happened on the page. quote:“He tried to make me believe that he and the others of his group wanted me to be one of them,” Rion answered, anger coming to him in place of hurt. Oh you are, you are going to do that. Just so we can watch Rion move through all of the stages of grief in the space of 5 minutes.  quote:“I’ve spent all my life on the outside looking in, and he offered to unlock the door to acceptance. But the price of the key was betrayal of the rest of you, which I should have realized would not have gotten me inside. If I left at this stage of things, there would be no one to take my place. So why would information on everyone’s shortcomings and problems be at all important? Without a full Blending, none of you would compete.” Facts and Logic!  quote:“Someone else in your position would not have seen that,” Jovvi said, putting a gentle hand to his arm. “I spent a long enough time alone on the streets to know how strong the lure of acceptance is, and I’m not sure I could have been as strong as you were. You’re wonderful, Rion, and I’m proud to be part of something with you.” Does ANYONE buy this load of crap from Jovvi? quote:For once Rion was at a loss for words, but it was a very pleasant loss. He returned Jovvi’s smile as he briefly put his own hand over hers, feeling—no, knowing—that words were his only loss. quote:He had more with these people than Arstin and his group could ever provide, and even the thought of Naran no longer disturbed him. His real friends would help him to find her again, just as they’d helped him to see her in the first place. You know what, I almost prefer the chapters with Naran where the two of them are constantly using sappy endearments to refer to each other. quote:Rion’s gaze found Arstin as the man stalked back toward his group, and all thoughts of warmth and happiness disappeared. A reminder: you took sexual advantage of "that gentle, damaged child" in circumstances where it was extremely dubious whether or not she gave uncoerced informed consent. So what does that make you? quote:The point was one he’d have to discuss with the others, but until then he’d worry about it all by himself… This. This is the quality of cliffhanger we're getting at the end of the second book. Where I still don't care about Tamrissa. Because being told over and over again how wonderful she is and how I should care about her so much surprisingly doesn't work! Spoilers for Book 3 Tamrissa is important but not important because basically everyone makes a big hoo ha about Fire magic being the talent that attacks and guards, which is a massive plot hole since EVERY TALENT can do that and Book 8 later they basically figure out there's a stupid nuance in the mechanic around initiating the state of Blending where the initiating aspect turns out to be the "lead" talent in the Blending and Fire magic results in the Blending entity being stronger and more aggressive. quote:* * * As a matter of fact, Rion of all people described the ballroom as "enormous" and "extremely large" in the last chapter. quote:but the number of people in it turned it into something the size of a middling box. And the fact that they’d been told not to leave the area they now stood in … only the absence of a locked door had kept Vallant from bolting. This ballroom in the palace is not made of resin! And even so, Rion gave you a coping mechanism! It's like Green needed to have Vallant forget about it so she can have the most socially competent person in this group handicapped for authorial reasons. quote:As long as whether or not he stayed put remained his own idea, it also remained somewhat tolerable. Vallant's self narration referring to him and the other commoner Blendings as "animals" sticks out. I know Green's going for irony here but it does not work for me. quote:So he looked away from those staring at him, only to find that one of the five people in silver and yellow was also staring at him. Indignation flared immediately, that someone in his own position would be as rude as those so-called nobles, but then Vallant’s mind began to work in place of his emotions. The man who stared at him was on the small side, and he stood at least two steps away from the rest of his group… STOP USING PHRASES LIKE THIS IN A BOOK WITH SPIRIT MAGIC!!! quote:so Vallant lost no time acting on it. Holter must have been told the same thing about not wandering around, but there was one instance where leaving the area had to be permitted. He gave Holter the thumb-up sign they’d exchanged more than once, and the small man returned it immediately—and almost eagerly. He couldn’t have been certain that he was looking at Vallant or that he himself would be recognized, but now he knew he’d achieved both. Their secret hand signal is a Facebook like. quote:Once recognition was established, Vallant moved on to the idea he’d gotten. After glancing around casually to be sure no one was watching too closely, he gestured at himself and went into the small, brief dance that young children sometimes did when they had to relieve themselves. I want you to imagine Chris Hemsworth, wearing a sequined ABBA pantsuit, doing the pee pee dance:  quote:Holter stared for a moment with his head to one side,  quote:but then he nodded with understanding and turned away. Okay I kind of appreciate this early 90s flipping of the gendered trope of important meetings happening in bathrooms. quote:“They don’t want any of us talkin’ together, so we’ll have to make this fast,” Vallant said softly once Holter stood beside him. “Jovvi thinks we all should talk, so we’re tryin’ to find out the locations of the other groups. What do you think?” 355 words of exposition that basically recaps stuff we already know or can surmise. In the "last chapter" of Book 2. quote:“Gotta tell ya sumthin’,” Holter said, the visible part of his expression looking worried. “Ran inta a old friend th’ other day, an’ she ain’t worried none ’bout whut I kin do. So we talked some, an’ she said there’s lots a gold floatin’ around in bettin’. Coulda guessed that, but th’ other part ain’t so good. None a th’ gold’s on any a us.” All good, Jovvi already knows. In fact she's known for a few days now. quote:How do I get in touch with you?” We will never find out who this well-connected and resourceful friend of Holter's is, other than as a convenient plot dispenser. quote:“If you don’t hear from me in two or three days, see if you can sneak back for a visit,” Vallant said, again agreeing. “But don’t let any of the servants see you. Some of them have got to be watchin’ us for the testin’ authority—but you already know that. Just take care of yourself, and don’t let Drowd get to you. Chances are he didn’t pass the sort of tests the rest of us did.” Hahahaha, lies. quote:Or at least wouldn’t have minded much. His mood wasn’t likely to lighten no matter what he did, so there was no sense in not helping out a friend. Ah well, it would probably all be over soon for all of them… Being in Vallant's head is really boring when he's not being a sexist rear end in a top hat or having murderous rage fantasies in a sexist rear end in a top hat way. What does that say about him? quote:Vallant waited another moment before following Holter out, having no more use for the facilities than the smaller man had. If that servant had known Vallant’s talent was Water magic, he would certainly have wondered why Vallant needed to go to the facilities. Simply knowing where they were would have been enough, but some Water magic users were too fastidious to relieve themselves the easy way. He could always have claimed to be that sort…  quote:Taking a deep breath before stepping back into the ballroom didn’t help, but Vallant did it anyway. All he wanted to know at the moment was when they’d be allowed to leave. He wanted out of there, even if it meant leaving the ladies behind. Neither of them really needed him, especially not that particular lady, so there was no reason to feel reluctant. No, he would not be abandoning her—them, not in the least… Green sucks at writing people lying to themselves. quote:* * * This is the only good paragraph of introspection that Green has written in the last dozen or so chapters. I wish she would do it more often. It's not even that good; all that is remarkable about it is the deliberate word choice of "disobeyed" in reference to Kambil, coupled with the fact he intends to point out Kambil's error anyway regardless of whatever reason Kambil gives. It reveals how Delin secretly thinks of the power dynamics in this group and of his own beneficence. Read in context of the entire book, it basically goes unnoticed, since she's used a sledgehammer in the past of painting Delin like a cartoon villain who sits in his lair cackling like a maniac about being the true leader of the group and when he'll rule the world. But it's still rare enough that I wish someone had pointed out to Green that she should write more like this and less of...everything else. quote:“Well, my part of it is finished,” Kambil said once he stopped beside Delin. “Mardimil has changed since I knew him last, and he actually figured out what I was doing. Needless to say, he parted with no information beyond the contention that the commoners have been treating him extremely well.” It's like Rion got an entire personality makeover in less than 2 weeks! quote:“I find it hard to believe that the man has changed so much,” Delin said with a frown, partially diverted from his annoyance. “His attitude of superiority used to be unbearable, especially since there was nothing to base it on. You believe he would do more for our efforts than Selendi could?” In an alternate universe, Green actually wrote this plot line into the book instead of leaving it as a hypothetical. And it was so much more interesting! quote:Seeing him just thrown away disturbs my habit of avoiding waste.” This isn't really the moral high ground Delin thinks it is. quote:“In this instance it is,” Kambil disagreed, gesturing behind himself. “Didn’t you see who will be facing Mardimil’s group first? I missed the point myself to begin with, Way to retcon this Green! quote:but his turning me down made me think about it. It seems that the testing authority is taking no chances with the second strongest group of commoners.” The first time that the threat actually feels credible! And it's delivered completely flat. quote:Delin nodded, knowing Kambil spoke nothing but the truth, which probably meant there would turn out to be no possible way to shake Mardimil loose. The authority had everything arranged, and they really hated having their arrangements disturbed … unfortunately for that predoomed group… And according to Green, this is the satisfying ending to Book 2. Summary: Day 9 Eltrina delivers sparking custom tailored ABBA-esque cosplay gear for the gang to wear to the masked ball at the palace. Our protagonists have a Very Conspicious Not-Meeting in the garden where they agree to try and win the competitions and become the next Seated Five with as much enthusiasm as someone agreeing to a root canal. One of Hallina's spies delivers verbal threats to Rion regarding Rion and Naran; the spy is magically assaulted by Rion and agrees to convince all of the spies to abandon the mission out of fear for their lives. Homin, Delin, Bron, Selendi and Kambil are also forced into a communal living situation and meet Hiblit, a living automaton version of Eltrina. Delin and Kambil have discovered the competition structure will be 5v5 in round 1, 2v2 in round 2, 1v1 in round 3 (with the pre-selected winners sitting this one out), then 1v1. Everybody shows up to the palace, which is "big", lit like a Christmas tree decorated by a five year old and has a verandah. Once inside, all of the competing proto-Blendings are positioned like color coded chess pieces. Kambil flatters Rion with a fake offer of switching Blendings in exchange for intel on Tamrissa and co. Thanks to Jovvi, Rion cottons on and turns down the offer–to Kambil's regret, since Rion's group has effectively been consigned to death as they're slated to face, Adriari's Blending: a bunch of Middles pre-selected by the nobility to be the next Seated Five. Meanwhile, Vallant makes contact with Pagin; they exchange intel and contact details. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 40 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 19 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace MEALS ON-SCREEN: 24 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 14 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x1), shared themselves (x1), exercise (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 16 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 62 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 46 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 14 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 15 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 62 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 34 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 48 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 24 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 7 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 6, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: We're almost there! We just gotta get through the first five chapters of Book 3 and then we can talk about this stupid palace reception fiasco. Leng fucked around with this message at 05:20 on Mar 17, 2021 |
|
#
?
Mar 17, 2021 05:17
|
|
|
Book Three: Challenges The blurb: quote:The competition has begun. The band of five which best combines elemental magics into the most powerful alchemy will be chosen to win the throne and ward off doom for the kingdom. But the stakes are much higher than anyone suspects. Actually, the stakes are pretty much what everyone has suspected since the beginning of Book 1. quote:Each magical adept possesses a potent preternatural talent. Stunning Tamrissa is Fire; Vallant the sailor, Water; Jovvi the lissome ex- courtesan, Spirit; farmer Lorand, Earth; and blue-blooded Rion, Air. also who uses "lissome" to describe someone on the back cover unironically unless you intend this book to be marketed as a bodice ripper? Also also notice how the women are primarily described by their physical attributes/sexual desirability whereas the men are described by their professions/stations (I know Jovvi's profession is mentioned but there is a huge emphasis on the "ex" part of "ex-courtesan" and I'd bet the "courtesan" part was only included because it's related to sexy fun times).quote:But their fragile union threatens to disintegrate when Jovvi and Tamrissa discover a secret sensuality that would make their Blending supreme. And the dissension within is nothing compared to the perils assailing the enchanted quintet from competing nobles and judges alike, all determined to see the peasant mages perish. For as they vie for the Palace of Five, the brave but unwary team rushes headlong into desperate danger...and unknowable jeopardy. And there it is, right on the cover: this is the book where the sex mechanic happens! By the way, the overwrought drama promised in the blurb will not be delivered, what were you thinking, this is a Green book after all. Book 3 opens with a nothing chapter from Jovvi's POV: quote:CHAPTER ONE Jovvi has to be the only one who's actually HAPPY about these costumes. quote:Rion had resisted that noble’s tempting offer all by himself, showing the strength of personality they’d all begun to expect from him. The changes in him had been nothing short of incredible, and even the noble who had tried to get information out of him had been surprised. Uh, no he didn't? You were shielding him? Like I get that there was a year between the publication of the last book and this one, but seriously? quote:The man was a member of one of the noble challenging Blendings, and hadn’t been quite as strong as Jovvi had thought he would be. and there goes any possibility of suspense.quote:She paused to smile encouragingly at a still-nervous Tamrissa, then went back to her musing. Possibly the noble hadn’t been using his full strength in Spirit magic on Rion, and that’s why she’d been able to block his attempts so easily. It would be dangerous to start believing that the nobles weren’t any good, even though it would be nice to think so. That would give her and the others an even better chance to win the Fivefold Throne… Green: "Oh crap I just went and spoiled the end of this book so I better fix it by making my protagonists point out how absurd it would be that they never encounter anybody who's stronger than them. Yeah, that'll do." quote:Sight of Vallant closed that line of thought rather abruptly. Vallant had actually managed to get in touch with Pagin Holter, and the small ex-groom who had originally been in their residence had given Vallant more than the address of his new residence. He’d also found out that the betting on the upcoming competitions was completely one-sided, all the gold having been placed on one or another of the noble groups. That no one was betting on one of the common groups meant those with the gold knew something everyone else didn’t: that the common groups had no chance at all no matter how strong they were. This is not news to you, Jovvi, you figured this out days ago! This totally undisguised info dump doesn't even bother with character continuity. quote:“Is something wrong?” a voice asked, and Jovvi looked up to see Lorand staring down at her. His worry was clear despite the mask hiding most of his features, You have Spirit magic! It would be clear to you regardless of anything! quote:so she smiled at him. FFS Green, if you were going to recap this in the dialogue, why was this even in Jovvi's introspection? We're 1 page into Book 3 and we've already had repetition. quote:“That doesn’t sound very good,” Lorand said with a frown, his dark eyes filled with disturbance. “It means that they intend to do something to make us lose, and the … ‘smart money’ knows it. Do you think we’ll be able to find a way around whatever it is?” No kidding, Captain Obvious. If I were Lorand, I would feel so patronized. quote:“I don’t expect it to be something simple, like the drugged tea they tried to give us before the qualifying tests, but we’ll still have to keep that in mind. If we eat or drink anything before the competitions, we’ll deserve to lose.” FORESHADOWING. quote:“Is that why they tried so hard to get me to drink that tea?” Lorand asked, now looking surprised. “I hadn’t realized it was drugged… So now I have something else to thank Eskin Drowd for. If I hadn’t seen him there, smirking and expecting me to fail, I probably would have taken the tea.” Why are we recapping stuff from the BEGINNING of the previous book/real end of Book 1? Like what purpose does this serve other than to reveal that Lorand is oblivious and not suspicious of stuff at all, which we already got from his POV in that rotation of repetitive events?quote:“Holter also said that Drowd was added to his residence to replace the man who went insane during that supposed competition,” Jovvi told him, her thoughts now busy with this new point. “From what you said about his very late appearance at the testing and qualifying area, it’s possible they added him to that group without first making him qualify. If so, that suggests something else I don’t like very much.” I feel like these books were meant to be doctor's office/hospital waiting room/airline reading material. The kind you read over the space of a year so by the time you finish one you've forgotten what happens in the beginning and then you don't get the next one for another year or so and need the reminder of what happened. Maybe reader expectations have changed over the decades or something, but I believe recaps should happen outside of the books: the books should just be the story, so that if I binge read them, it flows seamlessly without repetition. These days, I go into a series expecting to either binge read in one go (first time through when I'm unsure of the quality or whether I'll like it), or to re-read the whole series whenever the next instalment comes out (series that I love without reservation only). Recaps, if needed, can go on websites and be part of marketing stuff. I know, I know, back in the 1990s people were on dial up and stuff, I do remember those days. Still, I preferred Jordan's approach of including a book summary in the book itself OUTSIDE OF THE ACTUAL CHAPTERS so that readers who needed the recap could read it, and those who didn't and were annoyed by the repetition, could skip it and get straight into the book. quote:“But that’s all we can expect from the testing authority,” Jovvi pointed out. “They’re there to make sure their fellow nobles look good when they win, so anything we accomplish will have to be done on our own. That’s one of the reasons I want us to try our best: to get even with the testing authority for treating us so badly. If we actually manage to win, we can tell those cheats to go home and not come back.” I'm getting flashbacks to that one coach ride with Rion, Jovvi and Tamrissa all going on about how they are all going to be the strongest/the best and all the horrible things they're going to do to people when that happens. quote:The laughter they shared had felt wonderful to Jovvi, but after no more than a moment Lorand’s grin faltered and died. that is not what she said, dude. She just didn't want to be exclusive and marry you.quote:He began to turn away then, his thoughts and emotions a roiling mess, and Jovvi found it impossible to let that go on. he didn't understand at all!quote:It isn’t you I’m trying to avoid, it’s the uncertainty brought about by your fear of burnout. Uncertainty is something I can’t handle, so you could say we both have problems that need to be worked on. And since we’re both still here, maybe we can work on them together…” At least this is in character. quote:Jovvi hadn’t known she was going to say that, but the hunger she felt for Lorand had been growing stronger rather than fading. He’d come to mean more to her than any other man she’d ever known, Because authorial reasons, rather than any character driven reasons. quote:and a stab of pain flared in her chest when he slowly shook his head. In Jovvi's worldview, love and casual sex are not mutually exclusive things. Just take the offer! quote:This time he did move away, and Jovvi’s frantic thoughts could find nothing to say that would stop him. She’d been the one who had told him how much she needed security in her life, something his fear kept him from giving her. Neither one of them had changed, so there were no words to keep him beside her. Jovvi could look at his tall, broad-shouldered, blond-haired form and ache to have his arms around her again, but finding a way to bring them together again seemed impossible. Actually, the true hang up is Lorand demanding Jovvi marry him and give up her career and identity in order to be exclusively his wife and mother to his future children. I really dislike Green's characterization of Jovvi's struggle as a need for security, because she clearly has piles of gold stashed at Tamrissa's house! By Lorand's standards, Jovvi's got a level of financial security beyond belief. It's also incredibly bizarre that despite Green's soapbox about the social need for courtesans, that her main character who is a famous courtesan who enjoys the life is immediately willing to give that all up for a guy she's met for barely a week, because reasons. quote:Rather than staring at him where he stood only a few steps away, Jovvi turned to look elsewhere as she fought not to cry. Yes. Made up drama cliffhanger at the end of this infodump recap laden chapter at the very beginning of Book 3. If you guys are still here and following along, I'm sure you're all feeling the same way I am: Summary: Day 9 Eltrina delivers sparking custom tailored ABBA-esque cosplay gear for the gang to wear to the masked ball at the palace. Our protagonists have a Very Conspicious Not-Meeting in the garden where they agree to try and win the competitions and become the next Seated Five with as much enthusiasm as someone agreeing to a root canal. One of Hallina's spies delivers verbal threats to Rion regarding Rion and Naran; the spy is magically assaulted by Rion and agrees to convince all of the spies to abandon the mission out of fear for their lives. Homin, Delin, Bron, Selendi and Kambil are also forced into a communal living situation and meet Hiblit, a living automaton version of Eltrina. Delin and Kambil have discovered the competition structure will be 5v5 in round 1, 2v2 in round 2, 1v1 in round 3 (with the pre-selected winners sitting this one out), then 1v1. Everybody shows up to the palace, which is "big", lit like a Christmas tree decorated by a five year old and has a verandah. Once inside, all of the competing proto-Blendings are positioned like color coded chess pieces. Kambil flatters Rion with a fake offer of switching Blendings in exchange for intel on Tamrissa and co. Thanks to Jovvi, Rion cottons on and turns down the offer–to Kambil's regret, since Rion's group has effectively been consigned to death as they're slated to face, Adriari's Blending: a bunch of Middles pre-selected by the nobility to be the next Seated Five. Meanwhile, Vallant makes contact with Pagin; they exchange intel and contact details. Jovvi and Lorand act like they're star-crossed lovers. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 40 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 19 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace MEALS ON-SCREEN: 24 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 14 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x1), shared themselves (x1), exercise (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 16 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 63 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 46 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 14 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 15 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 62 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 35 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 48 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 24 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 7 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 6, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: The fiction writing thread has been discussing dialogue and what I've realized is Green's dialogue sucks because there's never any subtext. Everybody says exactly what they're thinking (especially if they're an antagonist and realistically wouldn't blab about their Evil Plans) and feeling all the time. And given the high proportion of dialogue in these books, just putting subtext in all of the conversations would improve the quality dramatically, without even having to tinker with the stupid plot. Only 4 chapters to go before we can talk about this stupid palace sequence! They are fairly short chapters in the scheme of things so I think we'll be done by the end of next week or early the week after (and thank goodness for that because I think we all need a break).
|
|
#
?
Mar 18, 2021 14:11
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER TWO I don't think Green's ever been to a party before. Because if you've positioned a group of five people and asked them to stay in one spot, and there's no food or drink to distract them, normally everyone just gathers in a loose circle, instead of whatever Green's got going on here. On second thought, maybe they're all just socially distancing. Not because there's a pandemic on, but because they're not actually real people. quote:It could have become a matter of embarrassment if either of them had noticed, but both seemed too wrapped in pain to see the trivial. Which Rion could understand, once he thought about it for a moment. Jovvi and Coll had been attracted to one another almost from the first moment they’d all entered the residence. They were the last two people Rion would have expected to have trouble between them, but it had happened anyway. Tamrissa and Vallant Ro had spent more time disagreeing than getting along, so the coolness between those two was perfectly understandable, And if all of these "adults" would just COMMUNICATE with each other, we wouldn't be sitting here reading about their totally uninteresting relationship drama. quote:but— NO KIDDING!? quote:but speaking of problems, I think we all have one. Do you remember when Holter said he’d never be chosen over you to round out our group because he didn’t belong? We were in the coach coming back from practice at the time.” Which does bring up the point that I didn't discuss in the earlier chapter: how does Kambil know about this? Is it common knowledge among the nobility (if so, Bron surely should be more aggressive about it and Rion should know about it) and if not, how did Kambil find out? quote:“I think I see what you’re gettin’ at,” Ro said after a moment, his brow furrowed in thought. “Holter was gettin’ along with Tamrissa and I’m not, and that’s why I was the one who stayed. I told her once that she and I had to be close or the Blendin’ wouldn’t work, and at the time I thought it was somethin’ I made up. Looks like I might have been tellin’ the truth after all.” I can't imagine why. quote:but a definite stir in the crowd took their attention. Rion joined everyone else in looking toward the entrance doors, and saw that someone of apparently great importance had just arrived. It was also possible to see that another common challenging Blending had arrived earlier, the members of which, in silver and orange, now stood closer to the entrance than their own group did. I'd like a flashback from young Rion meeting the Seated Blending; that would have been a much better prologue to the series than the one we got. quote:But that didn’t stop the entire entourage from heading for them. Tamrissa moved to Jovvi’s side as the crowd approached, Coll came to stand on Rion’s left, and then all three men drifted a bit closer to the ladies. Personal difficulties or not, they were a group who had begun to support each other automatically. Eltrina Razas hurried ahead of the very important newcomers, and when she reached the group she wore a frown. Did Eltrina just expect them to stand all spread out? quote:Obeying her own order about smiling, Eltrina turned just in time to greet the arrival of the entourage. Most of the Five looked bored and sullen, leaving all of the interacting to Damilla Sytoss, their Water magic member. Can anyone make sense of how Eltrina is supposed to sound like? If I wrote "purr in a sleekly burbling way" as a direction in a stage play/musical, I'm pretty sure any actor worth their salt would just cross it out. (in fact, a director once told me that's how actors and directors treat stage directions by default) quote:“In order, they are Tamrissa Domon, Fire magic, Jovvi Hafford, Spirit magic, Lorand Coll, Earth magic, Clarion Mardimil, Air magic, and Vallant Ro, Water magic. They’re—” Atta boy. Hallina's related to three of the Seated Blending, so she's definitely gonna have a heart attack over this. quote:“If you insist on doing this, you can at least make an effort to get it right.” What? That last sentence seems to make sense, until you really look at it, and then it just doesn't. quote:and then they were all drifting on toward the next group in silver and yellow. All but Eltrina, that is, who gestured to a young man to hurry ahead and be ready to make the introductions, I think this might be Embisson's son, Lord Ophin Ruhl, who will appear later in this book. quote:while she lingered for a moment with another purpose in mind. Actually quite nice of Eltrina to save this news for AFTER they were paraded around in front of the Seated Five. And I don't blame Eltrina for being mad, because Jovvi just gave her loads of attitude in front of the supreme rulers of all Gandistra, which for an ambitious person is worse than death. quote:“That was a disgusting thing for her to do,” Tamrissa commiserated while patting Jovvi’s hands. “She wanted to get you upset, and used the one way she could be sure of. I wonder how they found out about the kidnapping attempt.” But they'd probably be Lows or Middles, so it wouldn't actually make any difference! quote:We’ll have to be a bit more careful from now on, but in the meantime, what are you going to do? You don’t have to attend the trial, you know…” Correction: the author needs you to be there so she can engage in convenient info dumping for plot purposes! Jovvi as a character doesn't give a whit about Allestine and has never once thought of the woman fondly, so would not actually want to go. quote:I just wonder why they don’t need me to testify. How else can they get the details of what happened?” I mean, wait. Foreshadowing! quote:“Personally, I’d like some details about what happened,” Coll put in, his brow creased with disturbance. “And am I the only one who didn’t know about this?” Green: "This happened almost a whole book ago, I need to find some way of shoehorning in yet another recap!" quote:“That woman Allestine, who ran the residence where Jovvi was a courtesan, tried to kidnap her after one of the practice sessions,” Tamrissa said when Jovvi herself hesitated. “She and those two bullies forced Jovvi into a coach, and were going to drag her back to the town she came from. Jovvi used her talent to stop them, and that’s why she was so exhausted the night you and I helped Rion, Lorand. That’s probably also why you didn’t know. There were too many other things going on to remember about an attempt that didn’t work.” It's like Green writes all of these conversations with a checklist:
quote:“And if Jovvi didn’t want the authorities to find out about it, I can understand why no one discussed it. But I’d also like to know why they don’t need her to testify.” Green: "Oops, putting the recap in kind of derailed the chapter, how do I get back to where I needed to go? Oh I guess I'll just have Lorand make a U-turn in the conversation." quote:“Probably because it’s a criminal trial,” Ro put in when everyone else either shrugged or shook their head. “I saw part of one once, when a member of my crew was involved, and they don’t have anyone testifyin’ but the people who are accused. They get the truth out of them somehow, because my crewman was cleared.” Vallant: "My turn to interject with a random anecdote that adds nothing to either our understanding of the world building, the plot, my character or any other characters, because my author forgot to show that I'm supposed to be a well-traveled and worldly kind of guy and thought this would be a handy way of doing that." quote:“I expect I’ll find out all about it tomorrow,” Jovvi said, her smile still on the weak side. “Right now I’d like to tell you all how wonderful you are, working so hard to make me feel better. quote:And we still haven’t even discussed that official announcement. It’s now no longer a secret that we’ll be a challenging Blending.” Because it was bloody obvious. quote:“No, and I wonder how many of the groups had the nerve to tell them, rather than wait to be told,” Rion said, glad to help change the subject. Yes, yes, you're all such very brave, wonderful Heroes. quote:“Damilla considered the matter amusing, but her sense of humor has become notorious over the years. Her Blendingmates seemed more annoyed.” Honestly, the whole power regime in Gandistra is extremely problematic with succession planning. It's a fixed term pentonarchy based on magical prowess as determined in an arena based magical competition. Most empires/kingdoms try to aim for a peaceful transfer of power to the successor(s), and this strikes me as anything but. Like what's to stop the reigning Blending from competing again if they really are the strongest? What if the next generation of talents suck (both magically and as potential leaders) and there's no worthy heirs? quote:And I couldn’t help noticing that their Spirit magic user hadn’t even the most tenuous hold on the power. What about the others?” There shouldn't be any need for this cliffhanger, because as we've seen/will see being in touch with the power lets you sense the strength of other people with the same aspect who are also touching the power at the same time! So not-spoilers: (because you've all figured this out by now) Vallant should be able to point blank tell them all right now that Damilla is just a Middle, which would give them all confirmation that the rest of her Blending are also Middles. Summary: Day 9 Eltrina delivers sparking custom tailored ABBA-esque cosplay gear for the gang to wear to the masked ball at the palace. Our protagonists have a Very Conspicious Not-Meeting in the garden where they agree to try and win the competitions and become the next Seated Five with as much enthusiasm as someone agreeing to a root canal. One of Hallina's spies delivers verbal threats to Rion regarding Rion and Naran; the spy is magically assaulted by Rion and agrees to convince all of the spies to abandon the mission out of fear for their lives. Homin, Delin, Bron, Selendi and Kambil are also forced into a communal living situation and meet Hiblit, a living automaton version of Eltrina. Delin and Kambil have discovered the competition structure will be 5v5 in round 1, 2v2 in round 2, 1v1 in round 3 (with the pre-selected winners sitting this one out), then 1v1. Everybody shows up to the palace, which is "big", lit like a Christmas tree decorated by a five year old and has a verandah. Once inside, all of the competing proto-Blendings are positioned like color coded chess pieces. Kambil flatters Rion with a fake offer of switching Blendings in exchange for intel on Tamrissa and co. Thanks to Jovvi, Rion cottons on and turns down the offer–to Kambil's regret, since Rion's group has effectively been consigned to death as they're slated to face, Adriari's Blending: a bunch of Middles pre-selected by the nobility to be the next Seated Five. Meanwhile, Vallant makes contact with Pagin; they exchange intel and contact details. Jovvi and Lorand act like they're star-crossed lovers. The Seated Five makes the rounds to meet all of the competing Blendings and both Rion and Jovvi mouth off to Eltrina in front of them. Eltrina tells Jovvi that Allestine and her minions will be tried for attempting to kidnap of a High practitioner tomorrow. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 41 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 19 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace MEALS ON-SCREEN: 24 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 14 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x1), shared themselves (x1), exercise (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 16 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 64 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 46 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 14 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 15 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 62 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 36 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 48 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 24 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 7 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 6, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: An entire useless chapter to "officially confirm" something that's already been confirmed repeatedly for the last two books. Only three more of these to go before we can discuss fixing this whole sequence.
|
|
#
?
Mar 20, 2021 13:15
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER THREE You are so lucky that nobody with Spirit magic remains in contact with the power, other than Jovvi. This one little conditioning thing allows Green to just basically pretend her magic system isn't there whenever it's convenient. quote:“Now isn’t that interesting,” Kambil Arstin murmured from Delin’s left, also watching the Five. The Blending had paused in front of the peasants in silver and blue, the group meant to be first to face—and lose to—the Advisors’ chosen noble Blending. Hahahaha, neither of you are particularly subtle. Like you could say that spoilers for this book Kambil's puppeteering of his Blending is subtle except that we just saw Kambil in action and it was the complete opposite of subtle. quote:but that didn’t mean he liked him. Anyone who made cryptic comments without immediately explaining them had to consider himself superior on one level or another. this is not how you do two people talking about insider knowledge, Green. Besides the large swathes of butler and maid dialogue, there are so many smaller examples of this all over the place–this particular instance being case in point.quote:“I wonder if she intends to continue indulging her private pleasures once her Blending has been retired. If so, we may be asked to take action against her.” This reveal about Damilla is not going to be relevant whatsoever, other than for Green to set up the strawman for her moralizing. quote:I wouldn’t have expected such clear and intelligent thinking from a woman.” How the hell does a work of fiction manage to feel so preachy? Like I don't disagree with these sentiments but every time I run across one of these things I just get so annoyed with the books. quote:Delin murmured neutral agreement, but on the inside his mind seethed. Was Kambil really lecturing him, the true leader of their group? The fool had some nerve trying to tell him how to behave, not to mention diplomatically holding back on what he’d originally meant to say. He’d intended to mention Selendi and Delin’s mother as examples, and at the last instant had changed his mind. Delin had caught the hesitation, and fiercely resented having the point brought up even obliquely. And there's Delin's tragic backstory.  From which we are meant to draw the conclusion that child abuse is bad, because it makes the children Evil People who get off on murder. Unless you're one of the protagonists. quote:“Delin,” Kambil hissed, and Delin looked up to find that he’d fallen into the blackout time of his memories again. More time had passed than he’d expected, and the Five’s entourage was leaving the vicinity of Adriari Fant’s group and heading toward his own. He’d thought they would only have the peasants introduced to them, but apparently everyone was to be given the “honor.” Well it'd be pretty suspicious otherwise, wouldn't it? quote:“And here is the next to last group,” Hiblit Rahms said as the entourage approached, his speech and mannerisms distinct despite the costume and mask he wore. Hiblit had replaced Rigos as the one in charge of the noble challenging Blendings when Rigos had been arrested for the murder of Elfini Weil, and at first Delin had been delighted to have someone other than Rigos assigned to watch them. Delin’s group wasn’t meant to win the Fivefold Throne, Adriari’s group had been chosen for that, but Delin and his groupmates meant to forcibly change that decision. Rigos would have seen what they were up to and would have reported them immediately, but Rigos’s replacement wasn’t likely to be as observant or vindictive. Yet another recap. quote:“The people in this group are as follows,” Hiblit said as the Five’s entourage stopped in front of them, his tone distant and his gaze fixed on some invisible object in the distance. “Lord Bron Kallan, Fire magic, Lord Kambil Arstin, Spirit magic, Lord Delin Moord, Earth magic, Lady Selendi Vas, Air magic, and Lord Homin Weil, Water magic. The empire greatly appreciates their cooperation in this matter.” Except that spoilers for this book his mind has been hijacked by Kambil quote:“Bron, I need your help,” Delin interrupted immediately, before the fool could finish insulting Homin and starting a fight. “You know we still have to talk to the group we’ll be facing in the first competition, and since you’re our leader I have to ask your advice. Will you step over to one side with me for a moment?” Oh look, here it is, finally the point of this whole sequence! quote:At first the only thing happening was Hiblit Rahms standing there in the midst of everyone and screaming. Head thrown back, eyes closed tight, fists held up and clenched, Hiblit looked like a tortured soul in the Caverns of the Damned. The Caverns of the Damned are never mentioned again! It's unclear whether this is another term for the Deep Caverns (a.k.a. Demon Caverns) or whether these are the in-world equivalent to hell. quote:His screams sent a chill through Delin, and he could see he wasn’t alone in feeling that way. All the people who had been dancing were backing away from the man, most of them with shudders of fear. The scream was like that, something to bring unknown and unexplained fear to all those who heard it. I would feel a lot more scared if there was more description of the quality of the scream, rather than being told that it is scary, so scary that people are backing away in fear and shuddering with fear because it is so fearful that it strikes fear into the hearts of all within hearing distance. Did I mention fear? quote:“What’s wrong with him?” Bron demanded unsteadily in a low voice. “Why is he doing that, and why doesn’t someone stop him?” This reaction is just weird AF. quote:Obviously Kambil had been right about how tightly strung Hiblit was on the inside. In this universe, EVERYBODY is capable of wielding elemental magical talents! How is "somebody with Fire magic loses control" not like the FIRST risk in the palace guard training manual? quote:“Look at that,” Bron said, pointing to a woman whose costume skirt had begun to blaze. “The flames just went out, and the skirt isn’t even singed. It looks like all the clothing fires have been put out, and now the ring around Hiblit is being extinguished. Damned strong talent, whoever he is. I can feel the vibrations in the power without needing to reach out.”  this is also never mentioned again, so I had completely forgotten it!quote:“Reaching out might be a good idea,” Delin said, trying not to snarl through his teeth. “It would help to know who has a talent that strong, especially if the person turns out to be a member of one of the peasant groups. Give it a try, Bron, and tell me what you learn.” This is a weird and arbitrary limitation Green put in her magic system but at least she is consistent about it throughout all 8 books. quote:“It’s gone now,” the imbecile announced after a moment with a dismissive shrug. “He put out all the fires then released the power, so I can’t tell who it was. But it was probably Edril Lanton, the Five’s Fire magic user. It’s certainly something he should have done.” So Adriari is a Fire talent? Also how does Delin not have any idea that Adriari's group are Middles? Like you don't need their test results to do that, because presumably you know who these people are and have known them your whole lives? And can you guys honestly not think of any other methods at your disposal other than bribery? You're HIGH TALENTS. quote:“One which would be less troublesome if we didn’t have to face her group,” Kambil agreed with a sigh. “But it’s foolish to think about that, as there’s only one way we can avoid facing them. That way isn’t at all practical, so we’ll have to think of a way that is.” And behold, how Facts and Logic are impossible for antagonists to wield! This is not rock, paper, scissors; if you don't think you can beat Adriari's Blending in a magical contest, how do you think you're going to beat the group that beats them? And if your basis for your superiority are your bloodlines, then how does that not apply to Adriari's Blending? The real reason is because spoilers for this book Green needs a way for her protagonists to get free of the mind control drug they were given back in Book 1 without have to do any work themselves, hence Delin needs to go off and drop some information in their literal laps at Kambil's prompting. Summary: Day 9 Eltrina delivers sparking custom tailored ABBA-esque cosplay gear for the gang to wear to the masked ball at the palace. Our protagonists have a Very Conspicious Not-Meeting in the garden where they agree to try and win the competitions and become the next Seated Five with as much enthusiasm as someone agreeing to a root canal. One of Hallina's spies delivers verbal threats to Rion regarding Rion and Naran; the spy is magically assaulted by Rion and agrees to convince all of the spies to abandon the mission out of fear for their lives. Homin, Delin, Bron, Selendi and Kambil are also forced into a communal living situation and meet Hiblit, a living automaton version of Eltrina. Delin and Kambil have discovered the competition structure will be 5v5 in round 1, 2v2 in round 2, 1v1 in round 3 (with the pre-selected winners sitting this one out), then 1v1. Everybody shows up to the palace, which is "big", lit like a Christmas tree decorated by a five year old and has a verandah. Once inside, all of the competing proto-Blendings are positioned like color coded chess pieces. Kambil flatters Rion with a fake offer of switching Blendings in exchange for intel on Tamrissa and co. Thanks to Jovvi, Rion cottons on and turns down the offer–to Kambil's regret, since Rion's group has effectively been consigned to death as they're slated to face, Adriari's Blending: a bunch of Middles pre-selected by the nobility to be the next Seated Five. Meanwhile, Vallant makes contact with Pagin; they exchange intel and contact details. Jovvi and Lorand act like they're star-crossed lovers. The Seated Five makes the rounds to meet all of the competing Blendings and both Rion and Jovvi mouth off to Eltrina in front of them. Eltrina tells Jovvi that Allestine and her minions will be tried for attempting to kidnap of a High practitioner tomorrow. Towards the end of the Seated Five's rounds, Hiblit loses control and starts throwing fire around, until a mysterious and very powerful Fire talent smothers all the flames. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 42 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 19 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace MEALS ON-SCREEN: 24 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 14 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x1), shared themselves (x1), exercise (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 16 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 65 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 46 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 14 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 15 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 62 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 36 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 48 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 25 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 7 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 6, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: Only two more chapters to go until we can talk about this mess. The next one is a Tamrissa chapter. 
|
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2021 13:03
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER FOUR To no one's surprise, it was Tamrissa who stopped the fires. But hold up–Bron said he couldn't figure out who it was because they had released the power. Except in the very next chapter, we can clearly see that Tamrissa's still hanging onto the power! Which is it Green? You're now doing this in back to back chapters, not even entire books apart. quote:Once I released it and my usual reactions took over again, I’d probably tremble like a hut in an earthquake. That screaming had been so horrible, so utterly lost and abandoned… Jovvi, you calmed a raging fireball by yourself in Chapter 2 of Book 1! Without any assistance or magical training or even amateur levels of messing around with your talent! And now you're a proven master of your aspect and exponentially more powerful.Not to mention that Vallant, your Water talent, is standing right there?! Like did everyone just go oh noes, the fire brigade isn't standing by, I suppose we'll all just burn to death now! quote:“That’s what I pictured, so I had to stop it,” I whispered back. “The man isn’t even a Middle talent so it wasn’t hard, So this isn't even as bad as the fireball that you all defeated in the first 5 chapters of the book? quote:but I can’t believe that no one else tried to do the same. There are supposed to be how many High practitioners in this room?” This should get more appreciation and played for more by Green. Canon proof that Jovvi's first reaction is to look after herself, not others. Unfortunately, instead of this being part of Jovvi's character arc (which doesn't actually get fulfilled until Book 8 and takes all of 1 dialogue exchange for character growth to magically switch on) it only happens whenever it's authorially convenient. Because Highest Aspect forbid that someone other than Tamrissa gets to save the day. quote:But before I blocked everything out, I got a small look into that man’s mind. It was horribly painful but it was also strange, only I don’t know in what way. If I’d had even a minute or two longer…” So at this point, the only way Jovvi is beating Kambil is in sheer strength, not skill. quote:“Everything in this place seems to be strange,” I said, joining Jovvi in gazing around. “The Five are leaving through a door other than the one the guardsmen carried that man through, and now everyone else looks to be getting ready to leave. What really bothers me, though, is that most of those people seemed to know the man who had the fit, but not one of them is following along to find out how he’ll be when he wakes up. Maybe they know where he’ll be taken and mean to follow after he’s taken there, but somehow I doubt it.” So this is supposed to paint all of the nobility as selfish assholes. Except this is a public event, with high profile people attending, and one of those just posed a security threat to all of the invitees because his mind snapped. Yeah under those circumstances, if you're just a random attendee it's probably not appropriate for you to run after the guardsmen who carried Hiblit out. It'd be like if I happened to get a ticket to the 2019 Met Gala and Harry Styles went nuts and started shooting everyone using a concealed weapon and then me following along after he's restrained and carried out by security just so I can find out if he's okay when he wakes up. quote:“You’re unusually perceptive,” Jovvi said with a nod of agreement, still studying people. “They’re all working very hard to forget what happened, and most of them even seem to have managed it. They’re treating it like a bad dream you’re best off not even discussing, but they can’t stay here and do it. That’s why they’re getting ready to leave, so they can put the incident out of their minds.” It is literally not their place to do this. See above. Also Green's going to use this exact schtick again in the early chapters of Book 6. quote:“They stroll around pretending to be so very superior to commoners, but they’re no better than my parents and their cronies. Why are decent human beings so rare in this empire?” Oh look some moralizing from somebody who's NOT Tamrissa for once. I don't like it any better. quote:“Most of us in the group seem to be exceptions to that rule, but largely it came about after we all met. Green, puppeteering Jovvi: "We're the only Nice People who overcame our abusive childhoods because quote:And now I think it’s just about time for us to leave, since Lady Eltrina is hurrying in this direction. Apparently there’s a benefit in having been one of the last groups to arrive.” Also Green: "I don't know how to transition this scene so I'll just do it abruptly!" quote:With that she was off again, probably to keep one of us from saying something that would upset her even more. I thought about the fairly large amount of power I still held to, wondering if I should release it to be sure I wasn’t the one who said something which I’d certainly be sorry about later—but decided not to. I’d really been looking forward to seeing the palace, but now I felt that I’d be much happier if I held to the power until I was out of there. I hope you were happy seeing a big place with a verandah lit up with Christmas lights like it was decorated by a five year old. quote:“Excuse me, Dama Domon, but I need to speak to you privately for a moment.” Uh oh here we go. quote:“A truce,” I echoed, staring straight up at him. “And for the good of the group. You chase after me until I can’t think straight and then suddenly won’t even speak to me, and that’s what you call a disagreement? Anyone else would have come to me with some kind of explanation, but you—you just want to foil the plans of the testing authority. All right, Dom Ro, if that’s the most pressing thing on your mind, let’s by all means foil the testing authority. Consider me one hundred percent willing.” Tamrissa's lack of control over her emotions coupled with her power enhanced rage is scary–and SHOULD be scary! Reading this makes me wish that this was all happening not because Tamrissa is a barely hinged character with murderous rage issues (and I know some of you disagreed with me on this, but it's passages like this which make me stand by my reading of it), but there is an emotional drawback associated with each aspect and rage happens to correspond with fire. Oh wait, Brent Weeks already did that in Lightbringer and it was much better than Green's system! Not that I'm saying to go read Brent Weeks, because I had so many issues with Lightbringer, and the way Weeks writes women most of all. quote:Dom Ro actually tried to speak to me again, but Jovvi quickly drew him aside and saved his breeches as well as any sense of modesty he might have had. The desire to burn the pants off him was an almost living thing inside me, and if you don’t believe I could have done it without harming him in the least, you haven’t been following our adventures very closely. He would have been bare before he could even think about protecting himself with Water magic, and the picture that evoked drove me even crazier. I had to forcibly push it away with another thought, and my mind came up with just the thing. I don't even know what to say here. This reads like the creepy prelude to a hate-rape humiliation scene for Vallant. Which Book 4 spoilers why Green felt the need to put another rape scene in order to beat Vallant down, I'm not sure but it was a cheap tactic that I hated and I dread getting to that chapter and dealing with it quote:Rion had gone to join Jovvi and Dom Ro, so Lorand now stood all alone. He gazed toward the place where the group in orange and silver had stood, possibly watching the way every noble in sight moved with the sort of short, jerky motions that proclaimed them to be horribly annoyed. In an alternate universe, the reason the nobles act like this is because they're all secretly sophisticated robots whose programming malfunctions whenever they can't execute their code within acceptable time parameters. You know what, I choose to read all of the annoyed nobles like this going forward, because then their one dimensional characters would make sense instead of being an egregious failing on the part of the author. quote:Their annoyance probably stemmed from the fact that they couldn’t simply leave when they wanted to, but had to wait around like commoners until it became their turn. My parents would have fit in perfectly, but I didn’t care to waste time realizing that you don’t need a title to be self-centered and heartless. Please don't proposition Lorand the way you did Rion. On second thought, please do, because if you did, then there would be no reason for the stupid drama that happens later in this book. Instead, actual character driven drama would happen instead! quote:“You don’t look like yourself,” Lorand observed suddenly, proving he wasn’t as distracted as he’d seemed. “Is something wrong?” Will Wight's Traveler's Gate trilogy has a protagonist with this core philosophy. It was his first novel and it shows in the writing, but it was still handled way better than Green does here, in what is most definitely not her first published novel. quote:“Our very noble hosts and fellow guests seemed to find it beyond them, so I made the effort. Wouldn’t you have helped to put that poor man to sleep if the guard hadn’t been able to do it?” Oh look, it's happening to Lorand too! I think I should go back and update all of my counters to reflect when the protagonists magically come up with a random trick out of nowhere. I'll do that when I do the Book 2 summary. quote:“I’ve noticed an odd ability growing up every now and then too,” I said, feeling the frown I’d developed. “I think this is something we ought to discuss with the entire group, but not in this place. Besides, I actually came over to ask you a favor. There’s a very good chance you won’t want to, and if so that’s perfectly all right, but I still thought I would ask. Do you mind?” This is supposed to be coming across as earnest and vulnerable but it reads like she's a robot going beep boop insert dongle to initiate program.  quote:“But you don’t really believe that nonsense, do you? About you not being a man a woman can count on? Jovvi may have said that at some time, but that hasn’t stopped her from constantly worrying about you. Or thinking about you. You’re as important to her as she seems to be to you, so why can’t you take it a bit easier on yourself?” I can't read this much navel gazing in dialogue form. quote:Well, that’s for later, so let’s change the subject.  Green! Work on your damned transitions!quote:What is it that you need distracting from?” This scenario, as Green intended, is not bad in and of itself. As written though, because it's all based on stupid contrived misunderstandings.Don't get me wrong, having the plot turn on misunderstandings is fine–but when they're stupid and contrived like this, it makes my blood boil. quote:Oh, look. There’s Lady Eltrina, waving at us. Our coaches must be here… Should have started a counter for bad transitions. Too late now! quote:Lorand, would you mind if we waited until tomorrow to lie together? I—don’t think I’m quite up to it tonight.” you little chicken.Actually, not Tamrissa's fault, this one is Green making her characters act against their inclinations because she wants this to play out a certain way. quote:I gave him as strong a smile as I could just now, then joined him in heading out of the ballroom. The music had started up again a few minutes earlier, but I hadn’t noticed sooner. Not that it mattered. Exit music? Seriously? quote:All I wanted to do right now was get back to my apartment and release my hold on the power. After that … well, I thought I knew what would happen. Tears and Water magic do go rather well together, don’t you think? This pathos is not endearing at all. Summary: Day 9 Eltrina delivers sparking custom tailored ABBA-esque cosplay gear for the gang to wear to the masked ball at the palace. Our protagonists have a Very Conspicious Not-Meeting in the garden where they agree to try and win the competitions and become the next Seated Five with as much enthusiasm as someone agreeing to a root canal. One of Hallina's spies delivers verbal threats to Rion regarding Rion and Naran; the spy is magically assaulted by Rion and agrees to convince all of the spies to abandon the mission out of fear for their lives. Homin, Delin, Bron, Selendi and Kambil are also forced into a communal living situation and meet Hiblit, a living automaton version of Eltrina. Delin and Kambil have discovered the competition structure will be 5v5 in round 1, 2v2 in round 2, 1v1 in round 3 (with the pre-selected winners sitting this one out), then 1v1. Everybody shows up to the palace, which is "big", lit like a Christmas tree decorated by a five year old and has a verandah. Once inside, all of the competing proto-Blendings are positioned like color coded chess pieces. Kambil flatters Rion with a fake offer of switching Blendings in exchange for intel on Tamrissa and co. Thanks to Jovvi, Rion cottons on and turns down the offer–to Kambil's regret, since Rion's group has effectively been consigned to death as they're slated to face, Adriari's Blending: a bunch of Middles pre-selected by the nobility to be the next Seated Five. Meanwhile, Vallant makes contact with Pagin; they exchange intel and contact details. Jovvi and Lorand act like they're star-crossed lovers. The Seated Five makes the rounds to meet all of the competing Blendings and both Rion and Jovvi mouth off to Eltrina in front of them. Eltrina tells Jovvi that Allestine and her minions will be tried for attempting to kidnap of a High practitioner tomorrow. Towards the end of the Seated Five's rounds, Hiblit loses control and starts throwing fire around, until Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 42 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 19 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace MEALS ON-SCREEN: 24 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 14 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x1), shared themselves (x1), exercise (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 16 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 66 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 46 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 14 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 15 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 62 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 36 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 48 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 26 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 6, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: One more chapter to go before we can discuss this mess. Highest Aspect save us all.
|
|
#
?
Mar 23, 2021 01:59
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER FIVE We start the "final" chapter of what should have been Book 2 with a convenient infodump to explain that the power is Literally Magic that helps you become your True Self. quote:“We need to do some discussin’ on the point, but first things need to come first. Rion told me that that noble who came to talk to him wanted most to know about Tamrissa. He said somethin’ about the Fire talent bein’ the most important one in a Blendin’.” The way Green bounces around all of her plot threads makes me feel like I'm following a table tennis match. Better authors would have more focused scenes so we don't have all of this waffle all over the place. quote:“Oh, dear,” Jovvi said with raised brows, and Vallant had the impression she would have preferred to have used a stronger phrase, but had limited herself to the understated. Behold, the birth of yet another running gag in these books. Except for it to be a gag, Green would have to realize it's stupid. quote:“Do you think he was telling the truth, Rion? Misleading us would be easy since we don’t know any better, and it could only be a benefit to our opponents.” She has Spirit magic! Why couldn't we get this bit of world building exposition SHOWN to us in a Jovvi POV instead of being TOLD in dialogue and then having the point sledgehammered into our faces in an uncharacteristic way by Vallant? quote:It looks like we’ll have a lot to talk about, but we still haven’t settled the other matter. This sentence/sentiment will come up like 3 out of 5 times whenever the protagonists have a meeting from this point forward. quote:And a strange thought just came to me: Coll and I discovered that the testin’ authority knows all about our respective problems. If everythin’s set up for the nobles to win, wouldn’t they be told all about us? The answer ought to be yes, so why would that group need to hear it from one of us?” there needs to be a point to having a meeting Green!I don't understand Green's meeting fetish. Maybe she's one of those people who call meetings to have meetings about when to have a meeting to discuss having a meeting. Nothing ever happens in these meetings, other than to reveal information that we already know to the protagonists and to serve as a recap of things we've already seen happen on screen. Status update meetings annoy the hell out of me, because it's just purely information sharing. Just post an update on the appropriate Slack channel and be done with it! I've decided that the same principles of choosing whether to email or call a meeting apply to writing: if information needs to be conveyed, then it should be done primarily via description/action unless it makes sense for one character to be giving another character an infodump; if decisions need to be made, then it should be done via dialogue/action during a character interaction, where characters go in with distinct goals, and come out either having achieved those goals or not. quote:Vallant made a sound of amused support for that sarcasm, and Jovvi chuckled her own agreement. For a group of “peasants who were being honored,” they weren’t being very appreciative. Four explicit mentions of emotion rather than any attempt at showing it. quote:Instead they lost no time following Coll and Tamrissa, who once again seemed to be extremely friendly. Vallant had once discussed the matter with Coll, and had been very relieved to learn that it was Jovvi whom Coll was most interested in. But considering the discussion Vallant had overheard earlier between Coll and Jovvi, it might be time to raise the matter again— Good man. Maybe ask Jovvi to help you make that resolution stick. You and Jovvi are a much better ship anyway. quote:What seemed like hundreds of nobles stood around in dozens of groups, and all of them glared at the commoners who were getting to leave before them. That was true for the ballroom itself, along the very wide corridor leading to the front entrance of the palace, and even outside on the approach. Vallant could see the rest of his group ignoring the glares so he did the same, but the urge to teach the useless fools some manners was really strong. If they hadn’t been so aware of his presence, he might have indulged in some of those childhood tricks everyone played once their talent grew strong enough. Except you can also remove moisture from stuff and return it to the skies so in theory you could run this prank in infinite cycles? quote:“Since there’s no longer a need for me to accompany the ladies, I’ve decided to return to my usual place,” Mardimil said when they stopped at their coach. “Not to mention the fact that Coll needs to be filled in about our discussion.” We just had a recap! quote:“Before we get back to the residence and all those ears,” Vallant agreed, lowering his voice just the way Mardimil had. Coll had looked at them with quickly suppressed startlement, and Vallant had had to keep his own feelings out of his expression. His problem with Tamrissa was not Coll’s fault, a fact he kept reminding himself about as he climbed into the coach after his two groupmates. It isn’t Coll’s fault, so don’t start a fight with the man… Finally! quote:“You seem to have changed your mind again,” Mardimil remarked, apparently staring at him through the darkness of the coach. “If so, perhaps I ought to remind you about the beliefs of the testing authority. If you and Tamrissa suddenly stop feuding, it’s possible the testing authority will decide to replace you in the group.” OMFG. quote:“Ro, it’s just going to have to wait a bit longer,” Coll said, sounding as though he were forcing patience. “If it doesn’t, you and she could find yourselves in separate residences. What good will it do you to make up with her if the two of you are immediately separated?” OMFG quote:“All right, you’ve both made your point,” Vallant conceded after a moment, knowing they were waiting to hear his decision. “I’ll tell Jovvi to pass on the word to Tamrissa and then I’ll join all the rest of you in pretendin’ to fight, but only until we’re formed into a Blendin’. After that…” What a sensitive guy. "After seeing the substitute mother figure who raised you sentenced for attempting to kidnap you into slavery, can you pretty pwease pass this love note to Tamrissa for me." *puppy dog eyes* quote:And tonight he could dream about Tamrissa without calling himself names. Vallant grinned despite the impatience choking him, feeling as though a great burden had been lifted from his shoulders. Hopefully he’d be there to see Tamrissa’s expression when she found out the truth. It would be wonderful, absolutely wonderful… Summary: Day 9 Eltrina delivers sparking custom tailored ABBA-esque cosplay gear for the gang to wear to the masked ball at the palace. Our protagonists have a Very Conspicious Not-Meeting in the garden where they agree to try and win the competitions and become the next Seated Five with as much enthusiasm as someone agreeing to a root canal. One of Hallina's spies delivers verbal threats to Rion regarding Rion and Naran; the spy is magically assaulted by Rion and agrees to convince all of the spies to abandon the mission out of fear for their lives. Homin, Delin, Bron, Selendi and Kambil are also forced into a communal living situation and meet Hiblit, a living automaton version of Eltrina. Delin and Kambil have discovered the competition structure will be 5v5 in round 1, 2v2 in round 2, 1v1 in round 3 (with the pre-selected winners sitting this one out), then 1v1. Everybody shows up to the palace, which is "big", lit like a Christmas tree decorated by a five year old and has a verandah. Once inside, all of the competing proto-Blendings are positioned like color coded chess pieces. Kambil flatters Rion with a fake offer of switching Blendings in exchange for intel on Tamrissa and co. Thanks to Jovvi, Rion cottons on and turns down the offer–to Kambil's regret, since Rion's group has effectively been consigned to death as they're slated to face, Adriari's Blending: a bunch of Middles pre-selected by the nobility to be the next Seated Five. Meanwhile, Vallant makes contact with Pagin; they exchange intel and contact details. Jovvi and Lorand act like they're star-crossed lovers. The Seated Five makes the rounds to meet all of the competing Blendings and both Rion and Jovvi mouth off to Eltrina in front of them. Eltrina tells Jovvi that Allestine and her minions will be tried for attempting to kidnap of a High practitioner tomorrow. Towards the end of the Seated Five's rounds, Hiblit loses control and starts throwing fire around, until Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 42 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 19 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace MEALS ON-SCREEN: 24 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 14 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x1), shared themselves (x1), exercise (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 16 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 66 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 47 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 15 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 16 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 63 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 36 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 48 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 26 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 6, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: Wow. Where do I even start. So, that whole palace sequence exists to do the following:
On the second point, spoilers for Book 3 this will go entirely underutilized: from here on Vallant will meet up with Pagin once, to pass on critical intel about the fact they've all been drugged, and then Pagin will get a message back to them offscreen about what the original implanted instructions were which pisses me off no end. On the third point, spoilers for Book 3 Delin will drop this info on their doorstep, literally which is a massive copout that makes me even angrier than the above two points. We never see these protagonists work for anything. Ever. All of these are a waste. They could have happened at any other point in the book and at any other location. Hiblit losing his mind in particular really annoys me, because the threat level is nowhere near the fireballs that we began the series with, and will turn out pretty much inconsequential. The palace should be a unique setting used for so much more. If we were going to do intrigue and backstabbing, then that should have been the focus of the palace scene! Green had it in the right place in the book but failed to set up all her plot threads so their climax points all converge on the masked reception. Rewrite Book 2 will take a page from The Final Empire (Mistborn 1) for the first part:
|
|
#
?
Mar 25, 2021 13:30
|
|
|
Book 2 (+ first five chapters of Book 3) Summary: (interactive version here and CSV of word frequency here) Words appearing more than 300 times: pre:One Now Time Out Rion Even Delin Man Jovvi More Look Way Know Lorand Up Vallant Back Something Group Lightly edited supercut of all chapter summaries for Book 2 (including the five chapters that got shoved at the beginning of Book 3) follows. Day 6 (continued) We're introduced to the primary antagonists, only a whole entire book late. Bron Kallan (Fire magic) is a hot dumb jock who casually vandalizes his lady friend's antique piano because she insulted his ego during their post-coital conversation. Selendi Vas (Air magic) is a hot rich bimbo who is a spoiled brat. Homin Weil is the token fatty who's been abused his entire life and is currently being abused by his stepmother. Kambil is basically a male version of Jovvi minus the sex work. Delin is an acknowledged psychopath. Jovvi and Tamrissa girl chat about Vallant and Lorand in the coach ride home, bonus Green lecture included. Vallant, Lorand, Rion and Pagin rehash the point about being a challenging Blending, then Vallant and Lorand finally clear up their misunderstanding about their respective romantic targets in yet another bath scene. Tamrissa propositions Rion for sex, he delightedly obliges and it's really hard to tell if she gave informed consent. After dinner, the main crew + Pagin hold a meeting during a sad pretend garden party to recap the recap in the first five chapters of the book. Hat shows up to Tamrissa's house with two thugs who attempt to collect Hat's gambling debts from Lorand. Vallant tricks Tamrissa into agreeing to sleep with him and is an rear end about it. Meanwhile, Homin waits for Delin at the local entertainment district, who has excused himself to meet a lady friend but has secretly gone to rape and then kill Homin's step-mother, Elfini. Except Delin fantasized the whole thing, so when he and Homin show up at the Weil residence, Elfini's pissed and only lets them go after Delin threatens to get his father to ruin her husband. Day 7 Bron's trainer passes on the news of Elfini's murder before Bron squeaks through on the first of the first level masteries, after an entire childhood's worth of pattern training and a lower bar for passing. Selendi and her trainer also trade gossip about Elfini's murder before she achieves two of her first level masteries at a significantly lower bar for passing. Kambil's trainer brings news of the actual facts and excuses Kambil from practice for the day. Delin is annoyed he can remember everything except the moment he killed Elfini. Homin hosts the next meeting which is a giant infodump explaining the plot for the rest of this book and Book 3. Delin spends the rest of the meeting planning to pin Elfini's murder on Rigos. Rion/Lorand/Jovvi/Vallant/Tamrissa achieves his/her second level mastery by nearly suffocating people to death/exploding some oil, disintegrating some steel and playing with a puma/enraging some people/filling small boxes with water by condensing it from the air/burning things while being attacked, including/despite interference from his/her two Adepts. Eltrina tells them the competitions begin tomorrow and Pagin's been moved to a different residence. Rion enlists Tamrissa and Lorand to help him sneak off and visit Naran in secret. Day 8 Jovvi/Rion/Lorand/Vallant/Tamrissa realizes the whole thing is a sham. She has to/he doesn't get to/Vallant/Tamrissa gets to go first because she's/he's not a woman/no women are competing/reasons even though there is another woman competing. The competition involves changing a bunch of emotions on six drugged people deliberately/guiding a ball to ring ten bell towers/dissolving a painted cube/smashing a bridge and parting the After the competition, Jovvi is kidnapped by Allestine and frees herself/Lorand is accosted by Meerk, who agrees to locate Hat in response to Lorand's threat of magical violence/Vallant is accosted by Mirra and her parents/Tamrissa is accosted by Lanir (the Seated High in Fire magic) who intends to breed her like a brood mare. That night, Lorand/Tamrissa/Rion execute their cunning "switch places" scheme so Rion can go on a date with Naran, then have magically aided sex with her. Delin, Bron and Kambil witness the public arrest of Rigos for Elfini's murder while making a not so cunning plan to gather intel about their competition at the reception. Day 9 Eltrina delivers sparkling custom tailored ABBA-esque cosplay gear for the gang to wear to the masked ball at the palace. Our protagonists have a Very Conspicious Not-Meeting in the garden where they agree to try and win the competitions and become the next Seated Five with as much enthusiasm as someone agreeing to a root canal. One of Hallina's spies delivers verbal threats to Rion regarding Rion and Naran; the spy is magically assaulted by Rion and agrees to convince all of the spies to abandon the mission out of fear for their lives. Homin, Delin, Bron, Selendi and Kambil are also forced into a communal living situation and meet Hiblit, a living automaton version of Eltrina, who delivers identical ABBA-esque costumes. Delin and Kambil have discovered the competition structure will be 5v5 in round 1, 2v2 in round 2, 1v1 in round 3 (with the pre-selected winners sitting this one out), then 1v1. Everybody shows up to the palace, which is "big", lit like a Christmas tree decorated by a five year old and has a verandah. Once inside, all of the competing proto-Blendings are positioned like color coded chess pieces. Kambil flatters Rion with a fake offer of switching Blendings in exchange for intel on Tamrissa and co. Thanks to Jovvi, Rion cottons on and turns down the offer–to Kambil's regret, since Rion's group has effectively been consigned to death as they're slated to face, Adriari's Blending: a bunch of Middles pre-selected by the nobility to be the next Seated Five. Meanwhile, Vallant makes contact with Pagin; they exchange intel and contact details. Jovvi and Lorand act like they're star-crossed lovers. The Seated Five makes the rounds to meet all of the competing Blendings and both Rion and Jovvi mouth off to Eltrina in front of them. Eltrina tells Jovvi that Allestine and her minions will be tried for her attempted kidnap of a High practitioner tomorrow. Towards the end of the Seated Five's rounds, Hiblit loses control and starts throwing fire around, until Counts so far: TOTAL WORDS: 342,616 Book 1: 181,539 Book 2 (first five chapters): 12,137 --> Actual Book 1 total = 193,676 Book 2 (remaining chapters): 136,649 Book 3 (first five chapters): 12,291 --> Actual Book 2 total = 148,940 By the way, Sanderson's The Way of Kings is 383,181 words long. But hey, let's forget Sanderson's own stuff, let's look at Jordan's Wheel of Time, being a roughly contemporaneous work with a similar magic system. Per this analysis here, when you combine these two books of Green's, you get more than the median per book word count for WoT, but like 1/100th of the story:  Let's just take The Eye of the World: in 305k words, Jordan's teen protagonists have (spoilers, for anyone following this thread who hasn't read WoT) left Emond's Field, visited Shadar Logoth, had their party split and make their separate ways to Camelyn, learned most of them are powerful channelers, traveled through The Ways to the Borderlands, reached the titular Eye of the World where one of the main protagonists battle two Forsaken, fulfilling ancient prophecy and realizes he is the Dragon Reborn. Meanwhile, in a little over 340k words, Green's adult protagonists have generally been absorbed in petty teen relationship dramas, show no inclination whatsoever to investigate/break free of the rigged/corrupt competitions process and still haven't learned how to Blend, but somehow manage to pull magical tricks that save the day from out of nowhere. No antagonists have been vanquished, no forward momentum on the  conspiracy, no progress on two out of three main romances and no real progression in the overall plot.NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 42 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 19 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace MEALS ON-SCREEN: 24 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 14 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x1), shared themselves (x1), exercise (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 16 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 66 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 47 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 15 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 16 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 63 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 36 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 48 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 26 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 6, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Leng fucked around with this message at 15:06 on Mar 26, 2021 |
|
#
?
Mar 26, 2021 13:55
|
|
|
 Let's Read going on break! With Book 2 wrapped up, I'm going to pause the Let's Read because I think we're all feeling a bit of Blendingverse fatigue. April is Script Frenzy, the script equivalent of NaNoWriMo, so I'll be working on a musical for the next month. There are some other folks joining me and writing cool screenplays and stuff so if that interests you, come on over to CC and follow along, or join in if you're so inclined! This thread will stay open for discussion and we'll pick up Book 3 in May!
|
|
#
?
Mar 26, 2021 14:05
|
|
|
Enjoy your break!
|
|
#
?
Mar 27, 2021 07:53
|
|
|
Indeed, you've more than earned a break slogging through all of this!
|
|
#
?
Mar 29, 2021 02:46
|
|
|
We're back! And we're picking up from the real beginning of Book 3.quote:CHAPTER SIX Based on this and previous Jovvi POVs, I assume that she's walking around constantly in touch with the power just as much as Tamrissa is. I'd like more details about this exercise and where Jovvi learned it, but alas, we will never hear anything else about it ever again, or see any of the other characters mention similar exercises. quote:So when she walked into the dining room to find Vallant and Rion already there, her brows rose in surprise. OH COME ON, we're two paragraphs in and we already have a plothole. How does it make sense for Jovvi to be IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP still holding on to the power and therefore sensing everybody all tossing and turning to the point that they're contributing to her insomnia yet when she's awake and heading down to breakfast to be totally shut off and therefore surprised at Vallant and Rion already there? Like if I lived in this universe and had elemental magical powers and wasn't subject to the brainwashing that the nobility had done due to interrupted schooling in my formative years and relied on my Spirit magic to survive life on the streets, I'm thinking that the FIRST thing I'd do upon waking up is REACH OUT TO THE POWER and get a sense of who's around me and their current mental state. quote:They both looked up and nodded to her, but then Vallant gestured to his eyes and produced a broad wink. Even more surprisingly Rion did the same, and then Rion held up a finger. This is taking butler and maid dialogue to a whole new level. We've got butler and maid pantomime accompanied with butler and maid introspection. This would fail so bad if just one of the spies had Spirit magic, because Rion and Vallant aren't even trying to work up the surface emotions to match. The protagonists are only getting away with their incompetence thanks to even more incompetent antagonists. I feel like this is a fantasy novel equivalent of "Funniest Home Videos" (does anyone remember that show during life before YouTube fail videos?) except instead of being self-conscious about the fails the author wants us to take all of the characters and their situations seriously. The disjunction makes me hate this so much. quote:Jovvi filled a plate and took it to the table, discovering that she was hungrier than she’d expected to be. In case you missed it, this is a sign that Jovvi is Developing Her Magical Powers. Because part of the magic system is using your magic makes you hungry. What I can't work out is whether it's related to Jovvi's little awareness shield at the palace or her generally being in contact with the power more. quote:There was no question about her going to court to see what happened to Allestine, but the prospect of going alone had tied her stomach in knots. She never minded doing things by herself, but this time… Thank the Highest Aspect that Vallant had decided to go with her. Highest Aspect forbid we have a female protagonist actually be strong and capable. quote:The rest of the meal was coldly silent, with Vallant and Rion deliberately ignoring each other. Right at the beginning Jovvi wondered if they were unobserved and actually wasting their time, but spreading her senses just a bit showed immediately that they weren’t. One of the male servants stood just out of sight near the kitchen, probably pretending to be on hand just in case one of them wanted something not on the buffet. But the eagerness with which he listened said he was there for another reason entirely, certainly so that he’d have what to report later. Luckily, though, there was no trace of his using Spirit magic. quote:Rion was the first to leave, which he did with a courtly bow to Jovvi while ignoring Vallant as though the second man were a piece of furniture. Vallant snorted again to show his opinion of that, but Rion ignored the reaction as well. As soon as he was gone, Vallant looked at Jovvi. So you're still in contact with the power but now you need the wink? Did Vallant suddenly get good at acting/projecting emotions or is Jovvi just as bad at Spirit magic as Kambil? I think it's because Vallant is just a sexist rear end in a top hat! quote:As it was… “You really don’t need to bother going, you know. I can—” He's playacting in the same way that men who pretend they're feminists/allies are playacting. *coughJOSSWHEDONcough* quote:Vallant waited until she was finished eating, and then he escorted her out of the house. The coach she’d arranged for last night Uh what? How? When did you have time to do that? Is this a private coach or did you borrow Tamrissa's coach? For all my bitching and complaining about Green's obsessive focus on logistics in Book 1, things like this also annoy me when stuff appears out of nowhere. quote:was just pulling up, so they waited for it to stop and then climbed in. Once they were settled and the coach was moving again, Jovvi eyed Vallant. I cannot wait until Jovvi starts being able to mind read, so we can skip crap filler scenes like this. quote:“Actually, I already knew that,” he replied with a grin. “It came to me that I can judge if any people are nearby by the amount of body water humans have. We're going to have to see this revelation happen three more times. quote:And Mardimil and I were doin’ what he and I and Coll agreed to do last night: make sure the testin’ authority has no reason to break us up. If they think we’re gettin’ too friendly, they just might do that.” And now we're going to have to read about all of this through all of the various POVs and then have to read further recaps from the opposing POVs. This is particularly aggravating me because I've just finished binging all of John Bierce's Mage Errant books and he tends to be pretty good about not repeating stuff. He generally makes a choice between: 1) having his characters discuss the plan in dialogue for the benefit of the reader, then either a) skipping over the action if it went according to plan, or b) showing the action if it DOESN'T go to plan; OR 2) skip over by summarizing like "Character A explained the plan and then Characters B through E reacted in these ways" with the successive chapters showing the characters enacting said plan Green's books are full of characters taking five chapters to come up with a plan, then doing the plan and having the plan go exactly as planned over another five chapters, then holding a debriefing meeting to discuss how the plan went exactly to plan so everybody can spend more time talking about the plan for yet another five chapters. quote:His words stopped there, but Jovvi could see that there was something he ached to add. His emotions had rippled wildly when he’d mentioned Tamma, and Jovvi couldn’t stand it. What exactly is Vallant startled about? quote:“If you don’t, we’ll probably both explode.” More like, YOU don't actually want to go inside because of your random crippling claustrophobia, not because you actually care about what Jovvi wants. quote:“Vallant, please,” she interrupted, leaning forward to touch his hand where it rested on his knee. “I’m very glad to have you going with me, and talking about what’s bothering you won’t be imposing. I’m badly in need of something to distract me, so you’d actually be doing me a favor.” If I had read this for the first time as an adult and not a fourteen year old, I would have thought that this was going to be yet another horribly written sex scene. quote:“To tell the truth, I feel like a damned fool just thinkin’ about it,” he admitted heavily, his very handsome face strained. “Talkin’ about it is worse, but neither is as bad as not doin’ somethin’ to change it. Last night Tamrissa said some things to Coll, and he got mad and repeated them to me. It seems I was wrong to believe she has no feelin’s for me.” Oh nope, we're just going to have some horribly belabored contrived relationship drama instead. I'm not sure which option is worse. At least with the badly written sex scenes we can laugh about how bad they are. This is just annoying. quote:“I think I tried to tell you that at one point, but you were in too much pain to hear me,” Jovvi commented with a smile and a nod. “I expect Lorand put it a bit less delicately than I did… And now you’ve decided to do what? Change your mind again?” YOU HAVE SPIRIT MAGIC! quote:“I also felt pretty worthless, to have a woman like Tamrissa hate me so much.” Honestly, she's in good company. I'm pretty sure you have quite a lot of women who hate you. Have you considered possibly that you might be the common denominator here? quote:“It wasn’t hate, it was fear,” Jovvi felt compelled to tell him. “She’s very much afraid of getting involved again, and the fact that she only treated you that way said clearly how attracted she was to you. It was rather easy for me to see that, but discussing it without her permission was another matter entirely.” A reminder these protagonists are supposed to be grown rear end adults. But they're behaving like ten year olds who just figured out crushes are a thing but they are super awkward about it because they have under developed social skills so instead of going to talk to their crush, they run up to them and punch them in the face instead because that's guaranteed to get their crush to pay attention to them. quote:“And now we have an even bigger problem,” he said, leaning forward to rest his arms on his knees and clasp his hands. “I was all for talkin’ to her right away and gettin’ the misunderstandin’ straightened out, but Coll and Mardimil talked me out of it. They pointed out that I was probably kept in the residence while Holter was moved elsewhere because he was startin’ to fit in too well. And he also got along with Tamrissa, which seems to be the major point. If I start gettin’ along with her, I could end up bein’ transferred elsewhere.” The meta theme throughout all of Green's works: no matter what the woman says or how she acts, she secretly wants  SO BAD (which means it's True Love) and just needs you to be a Real Man who forces himself on her in order to make her realize that she's been repressing her True Feelings for him.quote:“Vallant, you have to promise me that you won’t push her too much,” Jovvi asked, suddenly nervous. “She’s gotten into the habit of reaching to the power in order to protect herself, and she could accidentally cause you a great deal of harm. FORESHADOWING. quote:You have to remember what she’s been through—” Sure, she's got massive PTSD, but she can just get over with a snap of her fingers, no problem. You know what, Vallant with Spirit magic would be horrifying. quote:“I won’t ever do anythin’ to harm her, but it may be time to stop thinkin’ of her as breakable. Real women aren’t that fragile, and she’s as real as they come.” Probably because he's got a raging from the rape fantasy he's in right now.quote:She felt the definite urge to press her warning, but usually tried to avoid wasting her time and breath. Vallant’s earlier determination about Tamma was like a single flame to the current conflagration raging inside him, Is this supposed to be a euphemism? You know what, I'm gonna count it as one. quote:and Jovvi could only hope that the comparison would not turn out to be literal. No, we'll never see Tamrissa use "invisible fire" on anybody. quote:Having no more conversation to distract her, Jovvi looked out of the coach window to see that they were entering an area of the city that seemed to have a large number of official-looking buildings. The sight caused her to shiver just a little, so similar was it to that time she’d had her own brush with the law. The official-looking buildings appeared just the same, only slightly less imposing than they’d been to a very frightened young girl. Green: "I don't know what else to do here so um, here, have all 905 words of my character backstory notes for Jovvi, that'll do" quote:But now she was going back to a courtroom, and the thought of it threatened to make her throw up all over again. This just...does not land. At all. Summary: Day 10 Vallant and Rion fake fight (badly) for the benefit of the various spies in the residence. Jovvi heads off to Allestine's trial, accompanied by Vallant. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 42 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 19 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace MEALS ON-SCREEN: 25 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 15 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x1), shared themselves (x1), exercise (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 16 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 67 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 48 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 16 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 63 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 37 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 48 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 26 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 6, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: It's always so jarring going from a competent writer back to Green's crap:
EDIT: There are 49 chapters in Book 3 (44 if you exclude the 5 chapters at the front that were really part of Book 2) and I plan for us to finish by mid October (roughly 24 weeks away) so I can attempt NaNoWriMo again in November (so roughly 2-3 chapters a week). Leng fucked around with this message at 14:31 on May 1, 2021 |
|
#
?
May 1, 2021 14:22
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER SEVEN I'm having trouble with Green's calendar system here. It's Day 10 by my count, and "week's end" (when Tamrissa was expecting Vallant for sexy times and Rion was out having sexy times) was on Day 8. Are we working on a 10 day week here with an 8 day long work week and 2 rest days? I kind of assumed she was going with a 7 day week (because she keeps things the same as our world for the most part) or a 5 day week (because FIVE FIVE FIVE), so going to 10 is kind of unexpected. quote:“In our position, overly suspicious is the safest thing to be,” Vallant murmured as they started up the wide stone steps. “Don’t forget that I’ll be actin’ superior and insufferable, and maybe you ought to be actin’ more than a little upset. If they’re doin’ this just to ruin your balance, it would be a shame to make them think they wasted the effort.” I hate how Green consistently contrives to put characters who would otherwise be competent into situations where she can force them to act uncharacteristically incompetent. There's an interview floating around where Green is on record as saying that she prefers stories about ultra competent characters struggling with super basic life skills. I don't disagree with that premise, but what she's done is...not that. quote:The heavy wooden front doors of the building were unlocked, and just inside was a guardsman standing a post. He directed them to the room where the trial was being held, on the second floor and in the daylight court, whatever that was. A passing detail so unimportant even Jovvi is meh about it. quote:She and Vallant produced rather loud footsteps as they crossed the wide, empty floor to the proper stairway, and Jovvi was relieved to see that her companion was only faintly disturbed about being indoors. With all that emptiness around them, there wasn’t much feeling of confinement. This prose. THIS PROSE. quote:The second floor corridor had windows at either end, but there were still lamps lit around the first set of double doors on the right. Opening one of the doors showed them where everyone had gathered, more than a dozen people in addition to the defendants. But the three high chairs up on the dais were empty, which meant that court wasn’t yet in session. An older man dressed like a bailiff stood near the doors they entered by, and when he saw them he came over. In the hands of a competent author, this detail would reveal something about the world. Are Port Entril accents common? Are they rare? What does this mean? Who knows  I'm pretty sure Green doesn't even remember where Vallant is from, hence the vagueness.quote:“This lady is here to observe the trial,” Vallant answered with a smile. “She’s the one they tried kidnappin’, but the officials said they wouldn’t need her testimony. Is it all right if she and I just sit down back here somewhere?” Why are we wasting words on this boring description and dialogue exchange that is pure blocking information that doesn't advance plot, character or setting? quote:Vallant hesitated very briefly, but the room was rather large and he wasn’t far from the door. It was possible to feel his clench-jawed efforts at self control, but they were successful enough to let him do as she wanted. Wait wait wait wait wait - is this an ebook typo? Can someone with a physical copy confirm that it says "she" and not "he"? Is Jovvi messing around with Vallant's emotions right now? Or is this just a terribly written section where all Green meant to convey was Jovvi wanted Vallant to sit on the inside away from the aisle, which would put him further from the exit (and require him to clamber over her if he needed to get out in a hurry), and he struggled with it but deferred to her in the end because he's a caring person? And why does Jovvi need to sit on the end anyway? I thought the place was fairly empty - and a dozen or so people isn't enough to fill an entire courtroom. quote:Once they were seated, Jovvi made herself look around a bit more deliberately. Ark and Bar were seated not far from Allestine at the front of the room, but her two bullies were wearing chains while she was not. Jovvi had expected to find Allestine frantic and terrified, but in point of fact the woman was calm and a bit impatient. It was as though she considered the proceeding a formality, and was just waiting to have it over and done with. Apparently Green used to work as a sales person at a steel company. This description of Allestine is so far removed from what it would realistically take to run a highly successful business in the competitive sex work industry that I can only conclude Green has no idea how business works either, among many other things. quote:Jovvi sighed and braced herself, anticipating what would happen if things went against the woman. Which they probably would… Um, spoilers? quote:Everyone sat or stood around for a number of minutes, some of those at the front of the courtroom speaking together in soft, secretive voices. They were the prosecuting officials, Jovvi suddenly understood, and their thought patterns suggested that they didn’t know why they were there on a rest day. So much for the practice being an ordinary one. Look at Jovvi, conveniently developing the ability to read minds out of nowhere! Previously at the time trial competitions she only had a vague sense, now she's getting more specific reads! quote:And there was someone probing gently at Jovvi with Spirit magic. She’d noticed as soon as the attempt began, but had made no effort to keep the practitioner away from her surface thoughts and emotions. As Vallant had said, if they were trying so hard to upset her, it would be foolish to make them think their efforts were wasted. Not to mention the fact that she was upset. If someone closer to her than Allestine were the accused, she would probably be as much of a nervous wreck as she now only pretended to be. What? You closed the last chapter and opened this one with a big hoo hah about how courtrooms and the law freak you out. This is not an acceptable retcon. quote:At the end of the double handful of minutes, So...ten minutes later? I don't understand the need for this convoluted phrasequote:a door opened on the left side of the room and three men appeared. They all wore the heavy purple robes of judges, and filed up onto the dais and took their places. Once they were seated, everyone in the courtroom stood up and bowed their respect. The judge in the center, the presiding judge, nodded acknowledgment to let everyone sit again. The judge on the right, who oversaw the procedures used by the prosecution, and the judge on the left, charged with looking out for the accused, made no effort to add their own nods. Yawn. quote:“Now,” the presiding judge said once everyone was settled. “Will someone please tell me why we’re all here this morning?” That's quite the wide range in the level of talent. How is it every other time characters are able to pinpoint talent levels exactly and yet Jovvi is having trouble doing so now, for a minor unnamed character we will never see again? quote:“As I’m sure the court knows,” he continued, “we’re in the midst of preparing for the competitions which will choose our next Seated Blending. The matter before you this morning concerns the attempted kidnapping of one of the participants who qualified for the competitions. The special section of Advisory law therefore comes into play, which mandates the speediest trial possible.” I wish I had started a counter for the number of times a character says "go ahead". It is one of the most overused expressions in these books. quote:“Really, Judge, this is all such foolishness,” Allestine interrupted as she rose gracefully to her feet. “The charges are absolutely untrue, and—” There is no way a successful business owner would be this stupid. Change my mind! quote:The prosecutor went on to describe the attempted kidnapping in surprising detail, ending with the fact that the victim hadn’t tried to press charges. That was why the empire, much less soft-hearted and forgiving than a young, inexperienced woman, was bringing the matter before the bar. But the whole process is entirely rigged? Is this like turf protection to make sure nobody else is absconding with High talent that the Gandistran armies require as slaves? quote:“Why are the two men in chains?” the judge on the right asked after the prosecutor bowed. “Since there’s a squad of guardsmen around them, chains seem rather unnecessary.” None of this is going to be relevant whatsoever. quote:“All right, Dama, now it’s your turn,” the judge on the left said to Allestine. “Were you telling us earlier that the charges are a bit harsh?” This is the stupidest story ever and no one with the capacity for logic and planning involved in running a highly successful business would be caught dead trying to pass this off as the truth. quote:She used her smile on all three of the judges then, moving her body very slowly and gracefully. Jovvi recognized the subtle movement as one all courtesans are taught, to show prospective patrons that the courtesan is completely available. What the hell is this move supposed to be?    quote:Allestine considered her speech and offer—a full success, but that was because she had Low level Fire magic. Spirit magic showed Jovvi how unhappy the three judges were with Allestine’s story, the judge on the left disgusted with the way she’d ignored his suggested defense. Somebody write a fanfic where the prosecuting judge is the protagonist. It would be more interesting than anything Green has written. Also this is a weird judicial system of having a prosecuting judge, a defense judge and a presiding judge. If she had better world building I probably would have cut Green some slack here but methinks Green also doesn't understand how the judicial system works. quote:“It’s the unanimous decision of this court that the defendant be required to give an unbiased accounting,” he announced to everyone in general. “The chief court clerk is authorized to make the necessary preparations.” Oh look, it's time for the infodump which is the entire point of this little detour from the main plot! quote:People got up and began to move around and talk to each other then, leaving Allestine feeling confused and vaguely worried. Jovvi was also confused, so she took the opportunity to turn to the friendly bailiff. DUN DUN DUN! Here's the payoff for the clues dropped in Chapters 10 through 15 and then outright spoiled in Chapter 16 of Book 1. Conceptually it's just fine but Green's execution is just so...bleh. Anyway, the protagonists are still in the dark and they won't figure it out for another ten chapters or something like that. quote:There was something of a stir over near where Ark and Bar sat, and Jovvi suddenly noticed how agitated their minds were. It had taken them a moment to realize what Allestine was being given, and by the time they tried to interfere it was too late to stop her from drinking. The guardsmen got the two bullies quieted down again, and by then Jovvi had noticed the two men seated a few rows behind the squad of guardsmen. They weren’t at all happy about what was going on, but the frustration level inside them said there was nothing they could do to stop it. Spoilers for the rest of the series, and particularly the sequel trilogy: from this point forward, Puredan is gonna get thrown around like it's water, and everybody who can't afford it or doesn't need to bother with it is just going to outright puppet people around with Spirit magic, and nobody will give a drat about it besides this one instance quote:“That sounds more like it,” the prosecuting judge said with satisfaction. “And now you may tell us about the reason for your presence in Gan Garee. Did you really come here to see about expanding your business?” This is supposed to be a shocking moment except Allestine sounds exactly like...how she always sounds in every chapter she's appeared in other than Chapter 2 of Book 1. quote:“Is that why you didn’t leave the city when your attempt failed?” the judge asked next. “You had all your possessions with you and you’d paid your inn charges in full, our investigators told us, but then you went back to the inn. Were you going to try again?” DUN DUN DUN! Can you figure it out before Jovvi? quote:but before she found it possible to figure out what, the defense judge spoke. Don't worry, there's no pressure; you have until Chapter 20 of this book! quote:“Did you regret your actions at all?” he asked, his mind weary with the necessity. “Weren’t you the least bit sorry that you tried what you did? Wasn’t there the smallest chance that you would have changed your mind about trying again?” So much for Jovvi being a High in Spirit magic. This should be blindingly obvious! Based on this, Allestine's argument isn't as implausible as the judge made it out to be. quote:“I now direct the senior court clerk to bring the defendant out of it, so that she’ll be fully aware when sentence is pronounced.” This is a pretty stupid question when the standard procedure seems to be to leave the person under Puredan with no recollection of what happened under Puredan. quote:“How many times can I repeat that the silly little chit is lying?” Allestine asked sleekly, as though she had no idea about what she’d said only a few moments ago. “I’m completely innocent, and I think I’ve shown that no one can prove differently.” How is it even possible to get through childhood like this? Like I get it, overindulgent parents spoiling the child as the theme, blah blah blah. But other children have no qualms about pointing these things out, especially when they're like four or five. quote:Jovvi could see that she began to believe the scene unreal, as though it were nothing but a nightmare. I'm pretty sure the deep mines = Deep Caverns = Demon Caverns so this in theory should be a horrifying chapter. Except it's really not horrifying because Green seems incapable of writing in a way that evokes emotion in a reader. quote:“Jovvi, are you all right?” Vallant asked, somehow from a long distance off. “Just hold on, it’s all over with now. Would you mind fetchin’ her some water?” Um, what? Are you back to caring about Allestine again? quote:“No, it’s all right,” Vallant said quickly and softly when she started to sob. “That sentence was terrible, but no one can say she didn’t earn it. She was the one who came after you, and no one was makin’ her do it. She went ahead and acted as she pleased because she refused to believe she’d ever be caught and punished. This is all her fault, not yours.” I'm sorry, Jovvi's relationship with Allestine and her feelings about it are so inconsistent that all I can do is burst out laughing at this sentence. quote:“That witch won’t die,” Vallant said as Jovvi cried against him, holding her tight in his arms. “Once she comes out of the shock, she’ll start hatin’. She’ll hate the man who made her pay for what she did, she’ll hate the law that let him do it, and she’ll hate you for bein’ the cause of it all. It won’t be her own greed and stupidity that caused her downfall, it’ll be all your fault. So you see you don’t have to blame yourself, because she’ll be doin’ it for you.” This is like the second nice thing that Vallant has done, though I can't figure out whether his POV would still be objectifying Jovvi even when she's in deep distress. It's probably a good thing that we're not in his POV. quote:It took away only a very small amount of the pain, but enough of it that she was able to sit straight and accept the water the bailiff brought. After sipping at it she noticed that they were the last ones left in the room, everyone else having gone without her seeing it. Because it's been way too long since anybody mentioned taking a bath. quote:“Yes, certainly I’m ready,” Jovvi muttered as she handed the water glass back to the bailiff, who was fighting not to show his extreme disapproval. Then she rose stiffly to her feet, her inner self rigid because of the contact with Vallant’s supporting arm, and let herself be urged out of the room. She felt as though she’d been put through that very first test again, and was incredibly grateful that Vallant had noticed that eavesdropper. Now they were leaving the properly false impression behind them, and they could go home feeling they’d accomplished something. Not-spoilers: it won't. Summary: Day 10 Vallant and Rion fake fight (badly) for the benefit of the various spies in the residence. Jovvi heads off to Allestine's trial, accompanied by Vallant. Allestine is convicted by her own testimony, thanks to the use of Puredan (a mind control drug that tastes like funny water). Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 42 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 20 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom MEALS ON-SCREEN: 25 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 15 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x1), shared themselves (x1), exercise (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 16 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 69 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 48 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 16 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 64 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 37 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 48 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 26 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 7 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 6, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: This whole attempted kidnapping and court trial sequence is 8000+ words long and exists purely so the protagonists can discover that they've been given Puredan without the need to do any actual investigation themselves. I HATE HATE HATE this. If I keep this in the rewrite, the protagonists need to actually work for this information, not just have it dropped into their collective laps. I'm feeling a little out of practice with prose writing so let's do another bloat identification exercise! Same rules as the Book 2 Chapter 31 edit challenge: improve Book 3 Chapters 6 and 7 as much as possible by only deleting or moving text and making minimal changes (changing/inserting punctuation/tenses as needed, and condensing multiple words into one or two words is allowed, but no rewrites of entire sentences): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xFWxnpxdNcoSIRCBrhLRK3bQ2Qcd_tS5FtuxBU1E5Wc/edit?usp=sharing This still isn't great, because the whole scene sucks, but it's 2849 words instead of 8023–a 64% reduction! Most of what I removed were the spelling things out to be obvious and redundant statements, as well as the contradictory stuff with Jovvi's feelings regarding her relationship with Allestine. So much of Green's dialogue is terrible that it's hard to salvage without doing rewriting it completely and cutting out too much would make the scene bizarrely short. It's like she doesn't understand how people talk!
|
|
#
?
May 6, 2021 17:15
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER EIGHT Spoilers for later this book: Kambil really did a number on their personalities here. If it weren't for Delin being oblivious and Bron a dumb jock, it would be pretty obvious quote:Despite their early return to the house last night, Selendi, Homin and Bron—had still slept late. Kambil was awake, however, and when Delin joined him in the sitting room Kambil looked up. I should post a chapter with all instances of all character names in spoiler tags and see whether you guys can tell: a) whether it's a protagonist chapter, a main antagonist chapter, or a random POV chapter; and b) for bonus points, specifically WHO it is. Kambil's dialogue is exactly the kind of dialogue we've seen/we'll see coming from any of the protagonists. If this were a better author, I'd say this would be some subtle cue that Kambil is out of place...but it's Green so it's just because she doesn't have characters, just cardboard cut outs. quote:“It certainly does, and you’re very much a spoilsport,” Delin answered, finding it impossible to hold back a pleased grin. “I wanted to make an announcement, but now you’ve ruined it. I have just what we need to know, and all it cost me was five gold dins.” Delin, in plain clothes:  quote:—and discovered that there was only one guard on duty on the premises. The man had been drinking and was dead asleep and snoring, and never even stirred when I walked past him. On the way out I left five gold dins in his uniform pocket, where he’s certain to find them. If our luck continues to hold, he’ll drink himself to death before anyone realizes someone might have gotten past him to the complete records.” Also Delin, at sleeping people:  quote:“Just how complete are we talking about?” Kambil asked, leaning forward in his chair to stare at Delin. “Just the commoners—or the noble groups as well?” This plothole is STILL here. How is it possible for Adriari's group's preappointment to be such common knowledge amongst the majority of the nobility and yet these guys still think they could be genuinely stronger? quote:But you did find out about the commoners in orange? When we missed our chance to question them last night, I thought Hiblit might have taken us down to oblivion with him.” I will be so glad when this book is over and we don't have to deal with anymore of this conspiracy crap.quote:“But two of our groups will be defeated,” Delin reminded him, turning with his cup of tea to find a chair. “Now that I’ve seen exactly who’s involved, I can appreciate the point. The two groups are composed of the lowest segment of nobility, and the offspring of those who are out of favor with—or have annoyed—the Advisors.” This is kind of an important point if you're going to go all in on the powers behind the thrones using the quarter-century competitions as a ruthless way to cull their ranks and Green just glosses over it by handwaving it as two groups who have and will never appear on screen. quote:“And the strongest commoner group will be broken up. I now suspect we may have judged Rigos a bit too harshly. And what of the group Mardimil is in, the second strongest? Will they also be broken up?” Thanks Green, don't think we would ever have been clued in by the sledgehammer smashing us in the face for the past two full books and seven chapters. quote:Everything in the memorandum, however, leads me to realize that we are badly in need of adjusting of our own.” Who are we meant to be rooting for again here? The protagonists or these guys? quote:We have to be the absolute best, but that isn’t our greatest problem. There were only hints in what I read, but everything suggests that Bron will keep us from Blending properly.” VERY HEAVY HANDED FORESHADOWING! Delin is a horrible character but you gotta at least give him credit that he didn't even contemplate mind control as part of the solution. It's unclear whether it's on personal moral grounds or because he's entirely unaware of it as an option. Spoilers for the next chapter and the next two books: it's because he has no idea it's possible which is just bizarre and uncharacteristic given his proclivities quote:Did you find out anything else in those reports?”  Don't write down your passwords people. Have ONE guess as to what's going to happen with this piece of information now! quote:“If the commoners are controlled that tightly, why are they going through all this rigmarole about separating groups and breaking up friendships?” Kambil demanded. “All they would have to do is tell them to compete for a while before losing realistically, and the rest of the nonsense could be forgotten about.” So conveniently, in the 8th chapter of the THIRD book, one of the antagonists has just wandered into the boss lair without a care and walked away with the complete master plan for I have never seen a worse example of a traditionally published Seriously. Someone try and name an example. I'm coming up blank. Eight books. EIGHT BOOKS. She published EIGHT BOOKS of this crap! quote:The observers’ group will be watching closely, so that’s probably the best way to handle it.” Green: Why yes, me too! I guess this is what happens when you don't bother with world building. It's cool, I'll just randomly pick any of my characters to have a momentary lapse from barely existing to actual non-existence so I can drop this in here now. quote:Have they ever lodged a really serious protest over the outcome of one of the competitions? You’d think it would be easier to buy them off rather than try to fool them.” There is no subtlety involved whatsoever, because Green's entire magic system revolves around making sure you win the lottery at birth. quote:“Which doing, if I’m not mistaken, you intend to put to your own use,” Kambil said, studying him narrowly. “Would you like to share whatever it is you have in mind?” That's not even the main objection Kambil should be making. If their groups are equally as strong (Delin not being in a position to know that all of the protagonists were sandbagging) and there's a chance that Adriari's group is stronger, then all things being equal, it doesn't make sense that the protagonists would find it easier to beat Adriari's group whereas this group wouldn't. quote:“What would you propose as an alternative plan?” Delin countered, privately contemptuous of the man’s cowardice. “Figure out which group will face Adriari’s second? That group will be us if our plans go right, and for all we know they’ll be stronger rather than just our equals. No, we have to take a chance here, but it’s one that offers us an edge beyond the fact that the peasants are actually our inferiors rather than our equals. It seems that the members of that group have their little … quirks.” Uh guys? Guys? All this super secret info that you have? You realize that chances are Adriari's group ALSO has this dossier, right? quote:“Now all that’s left is to find out who will be taking Hiblit’s place,” Delin said with a sigh. “I’d suggest that the next one can’t possibly be as bad as the first two, but something tells me we haven’t yet seen the worst. Our luck has been too good everywhere else for it to continue to hold here.” The trend of terrible transitions continue. quote:“Well, it won’t be long before we find out,” Kambil said, something about him suggesting that he found Delin’s pessimism amusing. “A messenger came by earlier with word that our most recent Advisory agent would call on us later today. We were therefore asked to remain in the residence, but you’d already gone. I didn’t mention that, of course, and planned to point out that you couldn’t have known you were supposed to have stayed in if the agent got here before you returned.” Dun dun dun! Who wants to guess how this happened? Anyone? Anyone? Summary: Day 10 Vallant and Rion fake fight (badly) for the benefit of the various spies in the residence. Jovvi heads off to Allestine's trial, accompanied by Vallant. Allestine is convicted by her own testimony, thanks to the use of Puredan (a mind control drug that tastes like funny water). Delin returns after successfully stealing a secret memorandum containing the Advisors secret plans and Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 42 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 20 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom MEALS ON-SCREEN: 25 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 15 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x1), shared themselves (x1), exercise (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 16 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 70 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 48 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 17 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 64 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 38 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 48 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 26 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 7 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 6, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: Green keeps glossing over the most interesting angles in the characters/situations that she's set up in favor of banal stuff that is not interesting at all. Character conflicts/motivations that would be more interesting than anything Green has written:
The other problem I've been wrestling with is character motivations for competing to rule the empire. It's the equivalent of choosing to run as a politician, except you don't need to campaign for votes; instead you fight to the death in an arena, gladiator style. The more I think about it, the more I struggle to find valid character reasons for why Vallant or Jovvi would ever choose to compete. They both have lives that they love and neither of them want to rule an empire. In the canon version, they end up doing it because spoilers they are the Chosen meaning the strongest magical talents and also are "the best" and blah blah blah they're so wonderful that they decide to stay and run the empire after people beg them not to leave out of a sense of obligation (literally a scene from the early chapters of Book 6). Rewrite Lorand and Rewrite Rion have beef with Rewrite Delin, so that makes sense. Tamrissa's reasons more or less make sense as well. Unless I can come up with brand new motivations that make sense for who Vallant and Jovvi are supposed to be, I'm not sure I can work them into the Blending Redone as part of the actual Blending. I might need to swap in Kambil for Jovvi as a defector with inside info and...I dunno, Pagin for Water magic but that would be a really weird group dynamic. Whatever happens, I'm definitely not doing multiple POVs from the same group; one POV is enough. So I might stick with Rion and Jovvi POVs anyway; Rion can go in the Blending and Jovvi can do...something else, I'm not sure what. I left some plot threads dangling with Talitha and Master Lugal so maybe that.
|
|
#
?
May 13, 2021 15:39
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER NINE I really wonder how social norms like tact would work in a world where Spirit magic users could call you out on your fake act any time. Hard to decide, since people can tell other people are being fake in real life all the time but it's still considered aggressive to call them out on it. quote:Once again she was being forced to do something Ollon Kapmar should have been doing, with her there only to convince everyone that she was the one who’d actually done the work. Instead she’d had to do the work instead of simply pretending, and now she was missing the dinner engagement she’d made with a very interesting man. When she finally managed to cause Ollon’s death, her satisfaction would be double what she originally had expected it to be. Watching Eltrina's rapid character assassination makes me so sad. Though to be fair, I think Green's only writing it this way in Eltrina's POV because Green has a not so secret meeting fetish and Eltrina clearly hates meetings. I too would rather be having dinner with a very interesting man instead of attending stupid meetings. quote:“Good evening, Lady Eltrina,” High Lord Embisson Ruhl said in greeting, his smile as cold and unreal as usual. That is not how you use "unreal" in this context.quote:“We were expecting Ollon to be back in his usual place. Hasn’t he returned yet?” As far as I can figure out, the political hierarchy nominally goes something like: Seated Five > Advisors > High Lord > Lord Except we know it's really Advisors > High Lord > Seated Five > Lord or possibly Advisors > Seated Five > High Lord > Lord. Where High Lords actually sit in this hierarchy is really vague. quote:“He’s still terribly broken up over the tragic death of his sister, and apparently can’t bring himself to return to work. He asked me to sit in for him again, and give your committee the final report on the commoners. Final, that is, until they’re formed into Blendings.” There have been times where I've read this as "cold condensation that cut like ice shards" because Green and which would have been really on the nose since I think (though I can't find the exact text to confirm) Embisson is a Water magic talent. quote:The man was so ancient his hair was completely white, Wait what? What is the average life span in this setting? There are people whose hair goes completely white by like forty or fifty and I wouldn't call them ancient. quote:but his bulky body was still straight and apparently strong. It was said that this was his third twenty-fifth year, and that was just possible. A white haired old dude nearly a century old but still built like a man in his thirties? Does Earth magic healing do something that we don't know about? quote:Eltrina firmly kept herself from blushing over the faux pas she’d made, and took her seat at the large table as gracefully as possible. You are so lucky that Embisson's talent isn't Spirit magic. quote:And he was the only member of his committee who ever spoke… Green: Because I, the author, am far too lazy to spend time establishing my antagonists as Real People since the whole premise of the book is that they're Bad quote:“In view of that lack I use my memory instead, so I’m just as prepared to render a full report. Shall I begin?” Oh FFS, why is Green wasting words on this? And how incompetent do you have to be at taking minutes to need TWO scribes in their forties? quote:“As you know,” Eltrina began, “this year we have six viable groups rather than five. I’ve kept the sixth group unofficial, of course, as I planned to use them when and if necessary to fill in any gaps. I’ve also discovered that some people simply aren’t able to Blend, and if that happens with one of the five original groups, we’ll have the unofficial sixth to put in their place.” At this point I genuinely think an entire chapter about Eltrina digging into the archives would be more interesting than reading about her reporting to this weird competitions committee. quote:“In the interim,” Eltrina continued, “the five primary groups have been finalized according to their test ratings. The three weakest groups are of no concern, but they’ve still been given members who can’t possibly get along well enough to Blend fully. The strongest group has had two of its members replaced, which should also keep them from Blending properly. The last group, the second strongest, has been kept intact.” Again, weird how Eltrina and this committee knows stuff about what should and should not interfere with Blending. Spoilers for later this book: people who have too much knowledge about how Blending works are killed off because it's a massive state secret quote:“Is that wise?” Lord Embisson asked with a frown. “They’re the ones who traditionally face the chosen noble Blending, and it would be foolish to court disaster by overlooking them.” It's like they put entire faith into having a super strong quote:“I agree completely, my lord, and that’s why they haven’t been overlooked,” Eltrina replied with the same smile. “I had a report from the observer in their residence only two hours ago, and it was that report which convinced me to leave them just as they are. It will also help if the competition observers try to complain about substitutions in the other groups.” He's in the right here; Eltrina making what is supposed to be a significant judgement and hasn't presented the evidence to support her conclusion. quote:“The report covered all five of the members of the group,” Eltrina purred, dragging out disclosure of the details as long as possible. Noooooooooooooo whhhhy this isn't interesting. We know what the plan is, it got covered in like three different chapters which is basically a third of the book so far (less, if you take out the opening chapters that finished off the palace sequence at the beginning that should have belonged in Book 2). quote:“The Spirit magic member was given some difficulty by a former associate, and when the observer reported the incident I had the former associate arrested. The trial was held this morning, and the Spirit magic member couldn’t stay away. The accused was found guilty and sentenced to a severe punishment, and the Spirit magic member was devastated. Despite not having reported the incident herself, she nevertheless felt that the associate’s plight was her fault. Her feelings were confirmed by a Spirit magic user I sent there to check on the matter.” Kind of but not really spoilers for this book: unless you have Spirit magic in which case, you can mess around with memories and emotions as much as you like! quote:“So any change in the membership of the group can only strengthen it,” Lord Embisson mused, clearly having no trouble seeing the point. “Soon they may even be taking sides against one another, but that brings forward a different problem. If they despise each other so thoroughly, they’ll probably find it impossible to Blend.” So what exactly is the requirement for Blending? Do strong interpersonal relationships make the Blending stronger? Is a common goal enough or not? Who knows? Green certainly doesn't! She just changes things whenever she feels like it! quote:“Yes, they certainly will,” Lord Embisson chuckled, which let the others show amusement as well. “And even if they don’t, it won’t really matter. They’ll be given very explicit instructions before they face Lady Adriari’s group, instructions they won’t be able to refuse. Let them try their best then, and see where it gets them.” If only you didn't have a security breach that resulted in your command phrase being leaked... quote:The amusement really spread and grew with that, and Eltrina joined in with a smile as she sat back. She had her own reasons for not wanting to break up that group, and they all came down to revenge. She would make those peasants sorry for the way they embarrassed her in front of the Five, and they had immunity only until the moment they lost. After that they were hers, and she knew exactly what she would do with them. She would enjoy it immensely, but the same could not be said for them… I'm so confused as to how not breaking up the protagonist group is a requirement for revenge. The two things don't seem like they would be mutually exclusive? quote:Sweet daydreams kept the smile on Eltrina’s face until the committee finished laughing, and then she calmly went on with the rest of her report. And thank goodness the chapter ends here. I was dreading another 1500 words of this meeting. Either Green finally figured out meetings are boring ( ) or her editor actually managed to force her to cut a chunk of the book. Pity that the editor didn't get anywhere else with it.Summary: Day 10 Vallant and Rion fake fight (badly) for the benefit of the various spies in the residence. Jovvi heads off to Allestine's trial, accompanied by Vallant. Allestine is convicted by her own testimony, thanks to the use of Puredan (a mind control drug that tastes like funny water). Delin returns after successfully stealing a secret memorandum containing the Advisors secret plans and Eltrina gives another verbal report to High Lord Embisson at a meeting of the competitions steering committee, to confirm that Operation Shakespearean Deception was successful, because there was no way it would be convincing if written from any of the protagonist POVs. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 42 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 20 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom MEALS ON-SCREEN: 25 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 15 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x1), shared themselves (x1), exercise (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 16 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 72 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 48 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 18 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 64 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 38 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 48 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 26 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 7 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 6, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: I hate on meetings a lot because most meetings suck and I have experienced some meeting-related trauma. Still, done well, a meeting can be a good and interesting scene. Here's a great one from The Devil Wears Prada (the movie, not the book): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEkcumq_LHY The placement of that meeting scene is at the midpoint of the film and the linked video explains why it's so brilliant and actually pulls the entire adaptation together. It's fantastic writing. The purpose of Green's entire meeting scene is a "haha aren't these antagonists dumb, they're totally taken in by my protagonists' clever act, aren't my protagonists awesome". If we go back to what the first half of the a well constructed story looks like under this model: Leng posted:
1. There is a problem 2. Character tries to do something 3. Did #2 work? 4. Yes OR 1. There is a problem 2. Character keeps saying they should do something but they have no idea what 3. Does the character do anything? 4. No, and the problem is disappeared and/or the solution gets dropped into their lap The only form of suspense Green consistently builds is the horribly overwrought high school relationship drama quotient. The more interesting angle to take with this scene (as with the previous meeting scenes) is have the antagonists be suspicious of the protagonists! The two opposing sides should be alternately leapfrogging each other in terms of who's got the advantage to build tension so that I'm hooked and invested in finding out who eventually wins! And then the win feels entirely earned and I am massively satisfied as a reader! Instead, the first three books feel like we're following a bunch of entitled/self-righteous idiots with simultaneous inferiority/superior complexes and no social skills, discipline or any other redeeming personal qualities whatsoever go through their partner swapping relationship group drama where all of the sex scenes are horrendously written while they're constantly beating up on other people who are basically incapable of defending themselves because Our Protagonists were born super powerful. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'll set including a scene of an interesting meeting as a challenge for Rewrite Book 2.
|
|
#
?
May 19, 2021 16:13
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER TEN You gotta feel sorry for Warla here. Even if she's Book 5 spoilers under deep cover this just plain sucks. quote:I felt tempted to go after the girl who’d been my companion for two years and tell her the truth, but common sense forced me to drop the idea. Warla was terrible at hiding her feelings, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA quote:and if she suddenly became unconcerned, the spy in the household would certainly notice. So I continued to sit silently among the others, at a table which had been too big for five people but which was now obviously too small. Lorand sat fairly close to me for a reason, but even he and I didn’t talk. The table is sized for 10, last I recall, you guys could all just spread out or take meals in your rooms as you've done before. quote:I’d originally meant to go to the library after dinner, but at the last moment decided to go to my apartment instead. I could read for a while in the sitting room just as easily, and that way would avoid the possibility of needing to talk to anyone. Pretending to be angry and hurt is easier when you’re not associating with people you actually like quite a lot. Just pretend they're all Vallant. Oh wait, you're back to wanting him again, aren't you? quote:I’d had a small tea service brought and had settled into a chair with a book, when I heard something out in the hall. I looked up at a low knock on the door, and then Jovvi was entering fast and closing the door quickly behind her. For the millionth time, YOU HAVE SPIRIT MAGIC JOVVI. You don't need to speak to Tamrissa to figure out how she's feeling.quote:“Of course I know, and I’m so sorry,” I said at once, putting aside my book and getting up to go to her. “What that woman did was terrible, but the sentence was even more horrible. Are you sure you’re all right?” Yeah, me neither. quote:“It’s there because I’d finally managed to make myself understand he was right not to get involved with me,” I explained slowly, trying to get it clear for my own benefit as well. “Even forgetting about the virtual certainty that the testing authority will send him away if they find out about us, there’s still my father and that beast he wants me to marry, and that noble who all but promised to claim me. Putting someone you care about into the middle of all that makes no sense, so I can’t picture myself doing it. We’ll all be much better off if things go back to the way they were.” Debatable, really. But I can't disagree that if this plot line got dropped, the page count would halve for sure, which would save ME as a reader quite a lot of agony. quote:“In other words, you’re chickening out.” Her tone was flat, with a lot of exasperation behind the comment. “The idea of a relationship has frightened you again, so you’re trying to back away from it a second time. The only trouble with making that decision is someone named Vallant. If you thought you had his interest before, you’d better think again. This time there won’t be any stopping him.” So Tamrissa, how does it feel to be on the other side of Facts and Logic here? quote:At first I didn’t know what to say in answer, Oh, oh, do what every other character does when confronted with Facts and Logic: wilfully deny reality! quote:then I finally decided on the truth. Oops, right, you're the protagonist. Carry on. quote:“But he could be hurt,” I whispered, putting my greatest fear into words. “He’ll be in the middle of the entire mess, and if he’s hurt it will be all my fault. I’d die if that happened, Jovvi, I’d curl up and die.” Look at these non-consent/reluctance kink vibes here, under the guise of "you're just a scaredy cat but you want him so bad so it's totes ok". quote:She chuckled at the immediate blush coloring my cheeks, gave me a hug while telling me it was time she left, and then she stepped out of the room again. I stood staring at the closed door for a number of minutes, my mind and body busy with reacting to the idea of Vallant’s getting me alone, and then another thought pushed its way through. Just... just wait until you find out what this brilliant "brand new plan" is. Summary: Day 10 Vallant and Rion fake fight (badly) for the benefit of the various spies in the residence. Jovvi heads off to Allestine's trial, accompanied by Vallant. Allestine is convicted by her own testimony, thanks to the use of Puredan (a mind control drug that tastes like funny water). Dinner is a theatrical affair of pretending they all hate each other. A post-dinner conversation between Jovvi and Tamrissa confirms the Valissa ship is back on. Delin returns after successfully stealing a secret memorandum containing the Advisors secret plans and Eltrina gives another verbal report to High Lord Embisson at a meeting of the competitions steering committee, to confirm that Operation Shakespearean Deception was successful, because there was no way it would be convincing if written from any of the protagonist POVs. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 42 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 20 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom MEALS ON-SCREEN: 26 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 15 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x1), shared themselves (x1), exercise (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 16 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 72 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 48 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 18 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 64 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 38 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 48 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 27 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 7 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 6, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: This chapter is pure info dump that could be worked into other chapters and should be cut completely, even if I wasn't going to do a wholesale rewrite of the competitions plot.
|
|
#
?
May 24, 2021 12:49
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER ELEVEN you spent three years on the street as a young child, this should feel like second nature to you.quote:But at least the requirements of secrecy were taking her mind off the devastating experience she’d had that morning. We are supposed to like Jovvi for this. Except that I don't buy her devastation, because she doesn't care about Allestine. But we are supposed to like her more for this, that she is just so devastated over somebody she doesn't care about. Except that we've seen her consign Eldra to Allestine's underaged sex trafficking enterprise and her goal (if she wasn't caught in Green's plot trap with the stupid competitions) would be to set up her own (albeit less exploitative) sex trafficking enterprise. Nothing about Jovvi is genuine! quote:Not to mention the attention she’d had to give Tamma and her problem. It would be interesting to see how that worked out, especially since it had been fairly clear that Tamma wasn’t about to give up her worries. Say what, Regina? You had to give another person actual attention? How terrible! quote:And thinking about worries brought Jovvi back to her own. She’d spent a good part of the day trying to regain her balance, as there were things she’d seen at the trial that she knew she needed to think about. What had kept her from doing it was the fact that she had to replay the trial in her mind in order to consider what needed examining, and she wasn’t yet able to do that. The anguish and guilt were still too fresh and painful… YOU HAVE SPIRIT MAGIC JUST LITERALLY MAGIC YOUR EMOTIONS AWAY OMFG. quote:For the hundredth time Jovvi was forced to shy away from the too-vivid memories, and getting frustrated was simply making things worse. What she needed was another distraction, and the perfect one would also help her to sleep. To her mind that meant a relaxing soak in the bath house, something she’d meant to do earlier but had forgotten. Well, better late than never, everyone said… It's like someone reminded Green that there hasn't been a bath scene for a while! quote:It didn’t take long for Jovvi to change into a wrap, and it took the same amount of time for her to decide that she wanted none of the house’s multitude of spies to follow along and ruin her relaxation. So once she was ready to go, she sent her ability out ahead of her to make sure no one discovered her presence or destination. A maid in the midst of a late-evening chore was out in the hall, but the chore was quickly seen to so that the maid could go to her own room. Or maybe because cooking and cleaning take a really long rear end time? I'm assuming magical abilities being common kind of makes up for the lack of kitchen appliances but man, even having kitchen appliances, if you're cooking for a full household (and judging by the meals we've seen to date, breakfasts are buffets with lunch being a plate and dinner being a full multi-course meal), dinner takes forever! Not to mention the clean up afterwards usually takes just as long as the cooking! quote:One of the male servants lurked in a deep shadow not far from the back door, but he might as well have been holding a stable lantern for all the good the shadow did in hiding him from Jovvi. She paused far enough away so that he had no idea she was there, and then took a moment to consider the situation. The man had apparently been at his post for quite some time, and seemed to have no intention of leaving it yet despite the discomfort which had not yet reached his conscious mind— I think Green forgot Jovvi has Spirit magic for the first part of the paragraph and then suddenly remembered it by the end of the paragraph. For the most part, we'll only see Earth magic do this trick. quote:As soon as the man had hurried off to relieve himself, Jovvi slipped outside and did her own hurrying toward the bath house. An intensive scan in all directions showed no one aware of her at all, which was exactly the way she wanted it. The door to the bath house opened easily in the dim colored light of the paper lanterns, and Jovvi stepped inside—only to discover that the place was already occupied. So you noticed the servant lurking at the back door when you were out of sight but you didn't realize that anyone was inside the bath house despite scanning ALL directions? Presumably, ALL directions including the direction of the bath house directly through the door in front of you? quote:For a heart-stopping moment she thought it was Lorand, but he and Rion only looked alike physically. In their minds, the two men were completely different individuals. This is the one occasion where I would have liked Green to narrate all of the actual actions Jovvi was taking: hold on to the power to get out here, let go of it once you got to the bath house, saw someone in there and then reached out to the power again. Because otherwise Jovvi's shock doesn't make any sense. quote:“Oh, I’m sorry, Rion, I should have realized I’d be intruding on someone’s peace and quiet,” she said at once when he sat up abruptly from one of the bath’s head rests. “That servant waiting in the shadows near the back door… He must have been waiting to see if anyone came out secretly to join you.” Unless the servant happens to have Earth or Spirit magic, in which case he'll definitely be able to tell! Except I guess Green's relying on the whole "all Gandistrans are brainwashed to not use their magical talents except when permitted by someone in authority". Except except you would have thought that anyone working as a spy for either the testing authority or one of the nobility would have said authorisation, in which case they SHOULD be using their magical abilities, in which case this doesn't make any sense! quote:“You won’t mind if I stay?” Rion asked as he settled back to watch Jovvi walk over to the soap cabinet. “My presence won’t keep you from enjoying the water as well?” O. M. G. WHY. Why do we need to read about this? (you know why) quote:“Yes, I am,” he acknowledged with a smile, one hand pushing back wetness from his dripping hair. “When I first got here, all I knew was that I was supposed to bathe alone. Being in a group changed that pretty quickly, and of course I noticed that you and Tamrissa didn’t bathe with the rest of us. I suppose I thought that was because you didn’t want to be crowded, but when I accidentally walked in on Warla a short while ago, I learned differently. She’d put up the occupied sign, and I simply hadn’t seen it.” Book 5 spoilers I wish I knew what Warla's orders were in this regard. Maybe her orders regarding Tamrissa superseded the orders for Rion, seeing how Rion is in a real hurry to do all the grown up things quote:“I don’t blame you a bit,” Jovvi said with a laugh, aware of the way he looked straight at her as she entered the water. “I’d rather avoid it myself, although I’m usually not this much of a coward. It’s supposed to be my place to help people with emotional problems if I can, but right now I have too many of my own.” Green: "Bath scene? Check. Reference to people being naked and looking at other naked people? Check. Recap the events of the previous chapters yet again? Check. Awkward transition to the other character's recap? Check. Beep boop insert coin to continue." quote:“But you said yourself just now that you have enough of your own problems,” he protested in confusion. “How can I add to that without feeling that I’m taking advantage of a friend?” OMFG stop writing dialogue like this. Also Jovvi, you don't have any friends. You had no friends in Allestine's residence, you had no friends during your time on the street, and there was the family that adopted you, but you never think about them. I'm not even sure Tamrissa counts, because you just see future dollar signs hovering over her head every time you look at her. quote:Jovvi matched his smile before turning to her bath, which didn’t take very long. Once she’d pushed back her freshly clean hair with both hands to rid herself of dripping water, she moved to the rest area near Rion’s and slid down into it. Not-spoilers: this won't happen, because Jovvi is not one of the characters who actually follows through on her thoughts. quote:“And I never thought of that!” he exclaimed, his handsome face alight with relief and gladness. “The most obvious answer of all, and I needed to have it pointed out. I feel like a fool, but at least a thoroughly delighted one.” How convenient. quote:“There, now, you see?” he murmured, gently rocking her a bit. “You weren’t all alone after all, and you certainly aren’t alone now. We’re all here for you, sweet lady, anytime you might need us. Please believe that, as it happens to be true.” I'm seeing a pattern here. All the terms of endearment being used for women are "sweet".quote:“Yes, you’re absolutely right,” Jovvi said, raising her face to his without trying to leave his arms. “If anyone should know that we’re all prepared to be there for each other, I’m certainly the one. But until now I knew it only with my mind, not with my heart and inner being. Thank you, Rion, for helping me to see it in the proper way.” "the proper way" who the hell talks like this?quote:“The pleasure was mine,” he responded, his beautiful smile warming again. “Another thing I’ve been learning is that it isn’t an imposition to help real friends, it’s a delight. I considered mentioning the point to my mother and telling her she was wrong, but then I realized that she wasn’t wrong. Since none of the people she knows really is her friend, she’ll never find it possible to experience what we do. Eventually I may come to pity her.” Spoilers for Book 8: he won't, but mainly because the timeline for the entire series is ridiculously short quote:But I think you’d better let me go now, unless you plan to stay here a good deal longer. Every time we speak I find you more and more attractive, and I’m not in the habit of ignoring attractive men who happen to be both naked and holding me.” The only in-character thing that Jovvi has done. I am pretty flabbergasted that Jovvi, future entrepreneur in need of funding and powerful connections who disagrees with monogamy on principle, has not tried to seduce an obviously naive and inexperienced apparent noble whose mother is related to three out of five members of the Seated Blending. Rion should have been FIRST on her list, right after the first communal dinner; and Vallant, being the scion of an extremely rich and influential shipping family, should have been second. quote:“I was about to ask if you found my holding you upsetting,” he replied slowly, studying her as carefully as she had done with him. “I may be mistaken, but the question seems unnecessary. Am I correct in thinking that you aren’t upset in the least?” Please do not try to explain arousal, Green. Because what happened before was not foreplay. And what is happening right now is ALSO not foreplay in even the most remote sense. quote:But in this case the someone I’m with has a lady he’s very much involved with, and it would be inconsiderate to offer him a joining that he might well want to refuse.” Uh oh. We're back to Jovvi acting out of character, which means there must be– quote:“But—why would I want to refuse?” Rion asked, and Jovvi could see that he was honestly puzzled. “If Naran were here my complete attention would be hers, as I love her with every fiber of my being. But she doesn’t happen to be here now, so I would scarcely be turning my back on her. To—join, as you called it, with another woman won’t lessen my love for Naran in the least, and especially not if you’re the other woman. What I feel for you and Tamrissa is a good deal more than fondness.” –a sermon incoming. I don't even understand how to parse this. This reads like someone who wholly believes in monogamy (except sex workers provide a vital service to all society because otherwise where would all the abusive/violent/neglected men go after they've finished beating up on/being neglected by their frigid wives?) but is a career romance/erotica writer who knows that polygamy sells but doesn't actually know how to write polygamy so writes some weird pseudo polygamy stuff instead. Or is this supposed to be the thing where she's trying to write people who live in a society where monogamy is the accepted norm trying to break free from those culturally imposed taboos because polygamy is the True Way thanks to the magic system in this world? Someone who understands poly relationships and how they're supposed to work, please jump in here, because I am not very informed myself. quote:“Yes, it is, isn’t it,” Jovvi murmured distractedly as she examined the emotion he’d mentioned. It wasn’t romantic love, which Rion felt for Naran and she herself felt for Lorand, but it was definitely a kind of love. There had been a hint of the same thing when Tamma had spoken about Rion, and surprisingly enough Jovvi could just detect the same thing growing in her own thoughts about Rion. Another oddness to be thought about after she got around to the prior ones, but definitely not at this moment. Book Eight spoilers there is no way that someone from that advanced nation of full Blendings isn't sitting here weaving a very subtle emotional field or maybe Green's just bad at writing relationships, despite having most of her published work be romances and erotica. quote:Rather than saying anything else, Jovvi leaned a bit closer and touched her lips to Rion’s. She wondered if he would understand, and his chuckle and response answered her question immediately. Until now he’d been holding her supportively rather than intimately, which is always a matter of attitude rather than the presence or absence of clothing. After the kiss, however… Uh what? What kind of noises are Rion making? This confuses me so much. Is he howling or something? Speaking in tongues? Is this supposed to be a reflection on how men in general behave with sex workers according to Green (i.e. self conscious)? Also Green likes using "abandon" a lot in a sexual context. quote:But Jovvi had already been pulled so deeply into his passion that she no longer had the capacity for rational, critical thought. Her own moans joined his all by themselves, You guys have been kissing for like two seconds. quote:and it actually took a long moment to understand what they were suddenly lying on. They hadn’t left the bath, so Rion must have supplied a bed of thickened air to keep them—and especially her—from drowning. Is this a bath or a swimming pool? I feel like Green is trying to write a hot tub sex scene without any personal experience to draw on. quote:By the time she reached that conclusion Rion was entering her, sharing rather than taking without having to be told. Three seconds, guys. quote:And then their thoughts merged even more closely than their bodies, which couldn’t possibly get any closer. What??? You can't write stuff like this in a novel where people have MAGICAL POWERS related to doing stuff with people's thoughts in the POV of a character with said powers!!! quote:Jovvi closed her eyes and simply moved with Rion, losing herself to pure sensation. It was the most marvelous experience she’d ever had … except for one … which she couldn’t let herself think about now. But she would have that other again some day, she would…! because I want to claw out my eyes for having read this horrible chapter.Summary: Day 10 Vallant and Rion fake fight (badly) for the benefit of the various spies in the residence. Jovvi heads off to Allestine's trial, accompanied by Vallant. Allestine is convicted by her own testimony, thanks to the use of Puredan (a mind control drug that tastes like funny water). Dinner is a theatrical affair of pretending they all hate each other. A post-dinner conversation between Jovvi and Tamrissa confirms the Valissa ship is back on. Jovvi and Rion hook up in the bath house. Delin returns after successfully stealing a secret memorandum containing the Advisors secret plans and Eltrina gives another verbal report to High Lord Embisson at a meeting of the competitions steering committee, to confirm that Operation Shakespearean Deception was successful, because there was no way it would be convincing if written from any of the protagonist POVs. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 42 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 20 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom MEALS ON-SCREEN: 26 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 16 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x2), shared themselves/sharing (x2), exercise (x1), entering TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 17 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1), sweet lady (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 74 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 48 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 18 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 66 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 39 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 49 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 28 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 11 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 7 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 7, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: I swear you could just randomly google "erotic sex scene", copy/paste the first result and change all the character names, and it would be better than what Green has written. Still haven't decided if I'm going to keep the sex mechanic for the rewrite. Regardless, I think I would change things so that Jovvi/Rion/Naran are already in a poly relationship. Jovvi runs the residence, Naran is her partner (they go way back when they were both living on the streets, but parted ways when Jovvi took up with Allestine and Naran was always on the move), Rion probably met Naran first while he was off travelling around the Empire doing things and was a regular favorite patron of hers whenever he was in town. Naran gets run out of town by spoilers her obsessive stalker i.e. Tamrissa's dad and hears Jovvi's got a safe place in Gan Garee, and figures why not, she knows Rion lives in Gan Garee, and sends him a letter when she arrives, and hey presto, a more believable version of the poly relationship Green has written.
|
|
#
?
May 29, 2021 15:10
|
|
|
Leng posted:Possible fixes: I remember even reading this back in the day, it frustrated me because the whole relationship isn't meaningfully poly anyway. It's just a parasitic entity with a checklist it requires to make itself stronger... but Straights Only Please.
|
|
#
?
May 30, 2021 00:12
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER TWELVE Maybe because you seem to have tried to plant evidence on him which–while plausible in our world–doesn't work in a world where there are legit truth drugs and magical powers that can compel somebody to tell the truth? quote:“Rigos?” Kambil said in startlement, taking a step toward the small, dark man who now strolled into the room. “I’d say that this was a surprise, but the understatement would be ludicrous. How did you manage to be reinstated?” Wow, Delin is sheltered. Go figure. Or is this supposed to be a super rare ability? We'll never know! quote:“And what was the second method used?” Kambil asked smoothly while gesturing Rigos to a chair. “I hope it’s something I’ve heard about, unlike that first method.” We will see an onscreen use of Puredan where you see the commands given later, but basically, it's like entering console mode in a game: you enter whatever commands you want and override the person's default behavior however you want. This also applies to Spirit magic. Has no one ever thought of planting a fake story as well? Seriously??!??! Also spoilers for later this book and the next book: Kambil's able to completely take over Homin, Selendi and Bron, and he was also the one masterminding some of Delin's actions, but he somehow doesn't think of using his Spirit magic to plant some fake memories in Rigos's head so that when questioned under Puredan, Rigos gives a fake story? And Kambil outright admits he knows about Puredan? COME ON. quote:And I must say your timing is excellent. It seems you were cleared just as Hiblit vacated the position. How is he, by the way?” Ow. That hammer in my face. quote:“I can’t tell you how much at home I feel,” Rigos continued in the drawl he’d been using only a minute earlier. “You and Delin, Kambil, and not a sign of the rest of your group. Are they in the house somewhere, or did their drivers get them lost forever on their way here?” I never know what to make of prose like this. What is this meant to be telling me? Is Delin suspicious of Kambil's reaction? Or is Kambil's reaction impeccable and therefore Delin can't spot any flaws in it? I can tell Green wants us to read this in a particular way but it's so ambiguous that she would have been better just ending on "with a chuckle".quote:“There was nothing scheduled for us to do, so there’s really no reason for all of us to be together.” That's more than "a bit", Delin. quote:All Kambil did, however, was hesitate briefly, and then he walked toward a bell pull. Delin stood where he was for a moment, then chose his own chair to sit in. He would listen to what Rigos had to say, and later he would find a better and more permanent way to get rid of him. The only way I can read this is quote:“Bron, this isn’t any sort of joke,” Kambil told the fool soothingly, obviously trying to quiet him. “Lord Rigos has been cleared of all charges and released, so it’s only natural that he’s back to work with us. He—” A section that's not terrible in the middle of what has otherwise been a terrible book! If only this trend would continue and if only this happened in relation to a character that mattered to the plot! quote:“I—won’t lower myself to argue the prejudices of fools,” Rigos said at last, his voice unsteady and his gaze on his hands. “I came here for a purpose, so let’s get on with it.” Delin is the worst person at reading somebody ever. That body language and tone alone should have been enough without needing Spirit magic confirmation. quote:“I’m here to inform your group that tomorrow you’ll be formed into a Blending,” Rigos continued, still looking nowhere but at his hands. “You’ll pay very close attention to what you’re told, and you’ll follow directions exactly. If one or more of you decide to do things your own way, you probably won’t Blend. You’ll—be given more information when your mentor arrives, so make sure you’re here and ready to work with him.” Green: "I don't really have anything other info for this infodump character to dump, so um, I guess I'll just have the POV character note that there should be more but have it cut off. Yes, that'll do, nobody will ever see through my non-existent world building or lazy writing!" quote:Kambil waited a moment before following, and when he returned after another moment he was in the process of shaking his head. More scenes with Selendi please. She's far more fun than Delin or Kambil are. quote:Come on, Homin, let’s go talk about something more interesting.” Homin's just grateful for the opportunity  quote:“What now?” Kambil asked softly after Homin and Selendi were gone. “Trying to soothe the man was a mistake on my part even if the attempt was automatic, and I’m grateful that you were able to correct it. Now I’d like to know what our next step is.” None of these plans are going to be relevant, because Rigos himself is not important.Summary: Day 10 Vallant and Rion fake fight (badly) for the benefit of the various spies in the residence. Jovvi heads off to Allestine's trial, accompanied by Vallant. Allestine is convicted by her own testimony, thanks to the use of Puredan (a mind control drug that tastes like funny water). Dinner is a theatrical affair of pretending they all hate each other. A post-dinner conversation between Jovvi and Tamrissa confirms the Valissa ship is back on. Jovvi and Rion hook up in the bath house. Delin returns after successfully stealing a secret memorandum containing the Advisors secret plans and Eltrina gives another verbal report to High Lord Embisson at a meeting of the competitions steering committee, to confirm that Operation Shakespearean Deception was successful, because there was no way it would be convincing if written from any of the protagonist POVs. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 42 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 20 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom MEALS ON-SCREEN: 26 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 16 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x2), shared themselves/sharing (x2), exercise (x1), entering TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 17 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1), sweet lady (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 75 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 48 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 19 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 66 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 39 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 49 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 28 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 11 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 8 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 7, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: The whole antagonist plot line is like watching a train derail in slow motion. Now that Delin has the plot critical information so he can drop it into the protagonists' collective laps so that they don't have to get off their asses to actually do anything, none of what the antagonists are doing matter to the plot. Every single antagonist chapter from here on exists purely to contrast and show how awesome the protagonists are. The fix here is simple–antagonists are only convincing antagonists when what they do MATTERS to the outcome of the plot. OMFG Green.
|
|
#
?
Jun 2, 2021 13:53
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER THIRTEEN What, exactly, was the point of writing this?! quote:he found Tamrissa waiting for him in the hall, just as she was supposed to. She examined him as he descended the stairs, and smiled as he approached her. So she gave him the clothes at breakfast and he went upstairs to change? quote:“Yes, of course,” he muttered, pretending to be extremely unenthusiastic, with underlying shades of being put upon. I would like to give this to an actor and see how they interpret that direction. Somehow I think it would go like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpDHNbjGivo quote:“Let’s go for that walk now.” Okay, I get that neither Tamrissa nor Lorand have Air magic, but do umbrellas not exist in this universe? quote:Warla continued to protest, but Tamrissa simply led the way around her and out the door. Lorand followed without saying a word, more than relieved that he hadn’t had to refuse the girl himself. Warla looked on the very brink of tears, and Lorand had always been helpless against women’s tears. quote:Once outside, Lorand saw that Warla had been right—to a large extent. Clouds were dark and heavy in the sky, floating low overhead in a definitely threatening way. Which part was Warla wrong about? quote:Tamrissa looked at them with a small shiver, then took Lorand’s arm in an obviously possessive way. FORESHADOWING. quote:“Lorand, stop it!” she hissed, clearly fighting to keep from laughing aloud. “If anyone sees us really enjoying ourselves, they’ll know we were putting on an act earlier. Do you want to be thrown out of the residence for getting along too well?” I do not care about the rain. WHY ARE WE READING ABOUT THIS. quote:“We have almost an hour before the rain starts,” Lorand told her, automatically checking everything around him again. “The trees and birds and small animals have an excellent rain sense, and that’s what I’m getting from all of them. The rain is coming, but the length of time expected to pass until it does feels like just under an hour.” ...oh, because Green had to shoehorn in a random infodump about Earth magic capabilities and pair it with a random flashback to a random character who doesn't exist as a character in their own right and was literally just made up for the purposes of... quote:It was impossible to picture Tamrissa doing something like that, not even when they probably would end up getting wet. ...Tamrissa image boosting. quote:It had been her idea to dress him in clothing that would not immediately mark him in some way. Both his practice outfits and his original country clothing would have made him stand out, but the maroon shirt and coal gray coat combined with his lighter gray practice trousers to make a perfectly ordinary outfit. But his not-adult-magic-school-uniform is literally just a white shirt and gray trousers? Are white shirts not a thing in Gan Garee fashions? quote:And ordinary was what he’d been warned to be. Meerk had stopped by the previous day to say that he’d found Hat, but he hadn’t been prepared to offer any details. He said he’d be by this morning to call for Lorand, and hadn’t been surprised when Lorand told him not to come to the door. There seemed to be more than one benefit in dealing with a man whose doings weren’t always legal. Little do you know Lorand... Spoilers for Book 4: Meerk from Book 4 onwards is basically a different character, under the excuse of "I was putting on an act". I think it would have been more interesting if he'd stayed as we knew him in Book 3; Book 4 Meerk just becomes indistinguishable from all the other characters milling around the protagonists. quote:When they reached the end of the drive, Tamrissa firmly pulled him to the right. They’d decided the day before that if she turned possessive and he became reluctant, the testing authority watcher would be delighted to see them together. And they’d needed something, because she’d insisted on coming with him and he’d been glad she had. He had an obligation to find and help Hat if he could, but the time wasn’t likely to be pleasant. We are being friends. Aren't we so good at being friends? quote:Just up the street a short way, a private coach stood waiting. He and Tamrissa pretended not to notice it until they got close enough to see Meerk inside, and then they hurriedly climbed in. Lorand had had his senses spread wide the entire time, and was relieved to find no human lurking in their vicinity and watching. The house watcher wasn’t likely to have followed them outside when the rest of the group was still indoors, but that didn’t mean the watcher couldn’t have an outside confederate… then why were you speaking openly before!?quote:“I wish this business was over and done with,” Lorand said once he and Tamrissa were settled in the coach and it had begun to turn around. “I’m beginning to imagine spies behind every tree. Except you can literally sense people and animals within your range? quote:Good morning, Dom Meerk. Are you ready yet to tell us where we’re going?” Hahahahaha! Ha...ha...oh wait, Meerk's being serious. And I guess he's technically not incorrect about this. quote:The last of his words were muttered, and when Lorand tried to find out what he meant, Meerk simply shook his head and refused to elaborate. Lorand exchanged a glance with Tamrissa, who shrugged a little to offer the silent opinion that they’d just have to wait and see. Meerk’s comment probably referred to Hat, and although the possibilities made Lorand nervous, there was no way to push for an explanation without starting a fight. I resent that sledgehammer in my face. quote:So he just sat back and watched the scenery from the coach window. They now traveled in a familiar direction, which was into the city and toward the business district. Their first place of practice lay in this direction, and when they finally reached their destination it wasn’t far beyond the practice buildings. Dun dun dun! A real, legitimate cliffhanger! Summary: Day 11 Meerk take Lorand and Tamrissa go to see Hat as a challenger to the Seated High in Earth magic. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 42 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 20 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom MEALS ON-SCREEN: 26 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 16 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x2), shared themselves/sharing (x2), exercise (x1), entering TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 17 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1), sweet lady (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 75 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 49 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 19 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 66 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 39 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 49 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 28 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 11 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 8 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 7, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: Taking this in perspective with everything else we've seen, I'm gonna say that while the lines themselves need obvious rewriting, structurally this scene is fine in terms of its beats and what it's setting up.
|
|
#
?
Jun 7, 2021 14:11
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER FOURTEEN We're in for a long one. There's 6032 words in this chapter, which means stuff actually happens! quote:“That must be what he meant the last time he was at the house,” Tamrissa said softly when she saw the name. “He insisted he was going to be taking the test again, but I don’t understand why this would be happening. If he’s only a Middle talent, how can he challenge for a High position?” Not only are our protagonists indistinguishable from each other, they're gonna slowly become indistinguishable from the secondary characters! Also there are way too many men who growl. Lorand does it, Meerk does it, Vallant does it, etc. quote:“And a good reason for doing those things with him is that he can’t possibly unseat the Seated High. You don’t see my name on that list, do you? I’ll bet everything I own that the other four challengers are also no stronger than Middles.” Spoilers for Book 4: Meerk, I think you're overdoing the act a bit, don't you? quote:“And I’ve got to try to talk to Hat,” Lorand decided aloud, reaching into his pouch for the two gold dins he’d prepared in advance. “You have my thanks for your help, Dom Meerk, and now you have the gold I promised you. You were right to think I would never believe this if you told me about it, but now I have to believe. Your part is over, but mine is just starting.” If only Green gave this much thought to characterizing the protagonists. quote:Lorand knew the man was almost certainly right, but he still had to try. There was a time when Hat had listened to reason, Really? When was that? The flashbacks in your own POVs beg to differ! quote:and if he’d sobered up, the time might come again. He nodded his thanks to Meerk, gave Tamrissa his arm, then led the way into the building. quote:Most of the people streaming inside were heading for a number of stairways on the right, and Lorand could see more people coming inside from an entrance on the opposite side of the building. Three closed doors to the left, at intervals along the wall, had guards standing beside them. Even as Lorand watched, a man and woman approached the door in the middle and a man alone went to the door on the far end. All three people were dressed slightly better than the ones going to the stairs, and the man at the middle door handed something to the guard before he and the woman were admitted. An entire paragraph of description that somehow leaves me with no idea of what this place looks like. quote:“It looks like those who are willing to pay get the better viewing area,” Lorand murmured to Tamrissa. “I have two more gold dins with me, but getting in can’t cost that much. How do I ask for change?” A legitimately good sequence! quote:“Tamrissa, that was brilliant,” Lorand whispered as he looked around at the comfortable chairs lined up in rows behind a low railing in the center of the room. More than a few of the chairs were occupied, but most stood empty. “How did you think of the idea?” And legitimately good characterization of both Tamrissa and Lorand! (don't worry, the trend will not continue) quote:Her cheeks were faintly pink with embarrassed excitement, which was one indication that she no longer touched the power. Last night her perfect skin hadn’t colored at all no matter what she said, but that wasn’t the time to remember about last night. Tamrissa alone was a stunning beauty, but Tamrissa touching the power was all but irresistible… We get it, Tamrissa (and Jovvi) are the hottest women alive in existence. quote:Lorand put that thought aside for later, since they were now approaching the chairs closest to the railing. Beyond the railing was a large square area, most of it taken up by a low dais, also in a square. Between the dais and the railing was a single line of chairs, which went all the way around the floor on three sides. The fourth side, the one directly opposite to where they now stood, held a large, throne-like seat with no other chairs on the floor behind its section of dais. A good character moment for Lorand! Will Green lean into this and explore it? quote:But failing people relying on him was out of the question for Lorand, so he pushed his doubts aside and occupied his mind with looking about a bit more. Of course not! Because we need to spend more word and page count on... quote:The second story was a gallery, and the section directly above where they sat was impossible to see. The rest of it, however, seemed much more populated than the ground floor area, and more people arrived up there all the time. Absolutely boring description. quote:“They all look terribly nervous,” Tamrissa observed in a low voice as the five people came toward the seats right in front of the place they sat. “And that looks like your friend, although I can barely recognize him now that he’s shaved and had a bath.” Okay, so I've read this many times and it just comes off as Hat being completely delusional, based on Lorand's narration and everything else we've seen from Hat. On this re-read, I think there's a missed opportunity here that Green DIDN'T intend but is absolutely plausible based on the world building and I'm now making it my head canon: Hat is delusional because somebody with Spirit magic has been messing around with his head. quote:And with that he turned completely away, to walk to his place among the others and sit. He hadn’t looked directly at Lorand again, but Lorand knew him well enough to detect a faint uncertainty in his bearing. That he meant to ignore the uncertainty was also clear, but at least it was there. Yes! Do this! That would make the narrative interesting! quote:“Not really,” Tamrissa responded with a sad smile. “Their first step would be to have you arrested and dragged away, and then they would explain that you were despondent over having failed to qualify for the challenge in the usual way. So you lied to yourself and made things up, caused a scene and forced them to restrain you, and all because you were disappointed. They would be sad during the announcement, and everyone would understand.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Every time. EVERY TIME one of her characters has an in character and interesting motivation, Green has another character cut them off with Facts and Logic. quote:“And I would be out of our group permanently as well. But there’s got to be something I can do. I can’t just sit here and watch Hat get knocked down and walked over.” Ah, our regular sermon. And cue: quote:Lorand wanted to protest that he wasn’t keeping Hat from growing up, but the truth of the matter was that he—and most of their friends back home—usually had. No one had considered it right to let Hat be blamed for things, even when he was the only guilty one. He was the smallest among them, a bit younger than the average, and very “sensitive.” Hat’s mother had told them all about his sensitivity when they were quite young, and had asked for their help… Random flashback to confirm Green's views from her mouthpiece Tamrissa. quote:The next few minutes passed in brooding, and then the door to the left opened again. An official wearing the ancient robes of the Earth magic practitioner—all browns and greens and reds—entered slowly and with great dignity. Behind him came a man dressed all in white, the same robes but without the color. There were half a dozen others behind the man in white, but he was the one who held everyone’s attention. And the people all around were getting to their feet, so Lorand and Tamrissa and Meerk did the same. Those Earth magic robes sound awful. quote:“Now isn’t that strange,” Tamrissa murmured, and Lorand turned his head to see that she stood frowning at the man in white. “I know it isn’t the same person, but that man looks just like the noble who approached me after that supposed competition. He was the man who was there when I finally escaped from that very first test situation.” This is actually not a bad idea but the execution is just awful. Also this will be the only time the protagonists have discovered any conspiracy related information on their own initiative without being prodded into it or having it dropped into their laps. It also isn't plot relevant! quote:That was a question which had been asked before, but there was still no clear answer to it. Lorand joined everyone else in sitting down again once the man in white had taken his place on the throne-like chair, feeling dirtied by having accorded honors to a sneak-thief fraud. And the man’s smug, self-satisfied expression suggested he really enjoyed the farce—which was only to be expected… I guess I'll applaud this attempt at a vivid description, because this is as good as it gets.  quote:“What’s in those containers?” Tamrissa asked in a whisper, possibly the same thing being asked in the murmur that undulated through the whole room. Reminder that Meerk is a strong Middle. Sometimes Green writes like strong Middles are actually strong; other times like this she writes like the only people who can do anything are Highs. I wish she would be consistent with her power levels. quote:Lorand nodded toward the dais, where the men who had brought in the containers were now filing out again. The challenger looked more tightly coiled than ever, but a faint and distant amusement played in the dark eyes of the Seated High. He knew which of them was stronger, and it was that sneering amusement which suddenly made up Lorand’s mind for him. The results of that challenge might be completely predetermined, but everything happening before then was still subject to change without notice, so to speak. After the in-depth narration of the rules and procedures for the time trials, we get THIS for a public challenge? This is the ONE place where we could use more explanation of what the rules and procedures are!quote:If the way the challenger stiffened in shock was any indication, he hadn’t been told that he was required to start things off. Just one more edge for the Seated High, another brick in the wall built against his opponents. Well, the challenger might be badly prepared, but Lorand wasn’t in the same position. When exactly did Lorand theorize about this? Because I missed it! quote:And that in turn probably meant the last challenger would be the same only weaker, with the true Middles in the middle. Start and end the show properly and the fools watching won’t notice the slight of hand in between. There is no basis in the character of Lorand that we know so far that would allow him to deduce this. quote:It took the challenger a full minute to decide what to do, but then his determination firmed up his actions. He touched the soil in one of the containers with his ability, and sent a wide cascade of it toward the Seated High. It wasn’t clear to Lorand what the cascade was supposed to do, and that most likely meant the man had no real plan. He was probably tossing a handful of dirt in the face of the man he challenged, so to speak, in order to provoke the man into responding. Very often reacting to a response is easier—and less dangerous—than launching an all-out attack yourself. And Lorand would know this how? Up until 2 weeks ago, he was a farmer. And since then, he's had no combat training. quote:The High Practitioner’s expression never changed, which told Lorand that the man had to be ready to divert the soil around himself. The attack was slow and not in the least intense, so his response could, and probably would be, the same. The only thing the man wasn’t counting on was Lorand, who hadn’t had any trouble at all in deciding what to do first. How long is it taking this soil to fly over? Like I imagine it as something fairly quick? quote:As the challenger threw the soil, Lorand slipped his own ability in behind the other man’s. Quite a few people in the hall had opened themselves to the power in order to follow the confrontation in more detail, so Lorand’s doing the same wasn’t likely to make him stand out. And his hiding behind the challenger’s ability, something he’d discovered how to do the night of the ball at the palace of the Five, would obscure things even more. So rather than simply observing, Lorand helped. Part of the cascade of soil sent at the Seated High was diverted from his waiting shield—right into his smallclothes. A new, useful, plot convenient magical ability that is not explained! And will never be used again after this sequence. quote:To say the man was startled and distracted would be a masterful understatement. The gravelly soil entered his undergarments a good handful of seconds before the cascade reached him, bouncing around a bit against his privates before settling down. The no longer languid man yelped and jumped, and then the cascade hit him full in the face and upper body. His attention had been diverted from shielding just long enough to let the leisurely attack accomplish the most it possibly could. I literally don't understand how this happens. Like how is Lorand directing gravel into this guy's loincloth or whatever they wear here? Is he sneaking the dirt up underneath those robes? Is he forcing the dirt through the robes? quote:Surprised laughter erupted all over the hall, and when the Seated High threw the dirt away from his face his rage was very easily seen. He also removed the gift in his underclothes, but despite the wielding of a respectable amount of power, he didn’t seem able to rid himself of all the grit at once. It took a second, even more furious attempt before the final grains were removed, showing how sloppy the man had grown—assuming he hadn’t always been that way. When your position is handed to you and then protected by gameplaying, it’s undoubtedly natural to just let things slide. And she had to ruin it with sermonizing. quote:The challenger had no idea why his attack had succeeded, and he certainly wasn’t prepared when his opponent tried to retaliate. Surprise had diverted the challenger from any defensive plans he might have had, a lack the Seated High tried to take immediate advantage of. His talent freed the soil from both end containers and sent it toward the challenger, but not with the intent of dirtying his white clothing. The soil was still tightly compacted, and Lorand realized it was going to be used to bury and smother the challenger. That bolded bit is a terribly written sentence. Also how does Lorand perceive this flash of terror? The only takeaway I have is Lorand's new ability means he's secretly linking with other people without their knowledge, and now he can perceive strong emotions through this link? Lorand is terrifyingly overpowered. quote:The Seated High was still too angry to drop the soil immediately, his inability to smother the challenger adding to all the rest. Lorand could feel the man’s desire to destroy the pitiful specimen who had dared to insult him, and strangely enough there was nothing of suspicion showing. Wait what? Okay, so is Lorand NOT feeling things through a secret link but actually through the power itself (presumably because everyone using magic of the same aspect is touching the power)? I'm assuming this is limited to the same aspect for now. But why does no other magic user have this ability? Why does this never show up again? quote:He should have wondered why someone strong enough to hold him off couldn’t also force the soil away from himself, but apparently the man’s anger was turning him stupid. And stubborn. The challenger kept trying to yield, but he refused to hear the man. "disappeared permanently"??? Is this just bad prose or a deliberate reference to the guy being shipped off to one of those armies? We'll never know, because in later books Lorand doesn't recognize any of the Earth magic army people! quote:“What’s the name of this Seated High?” Lorand asked Meerk after a brief intermission was declared. “I don’t remember seeing it on the placard announcing the challenge.” Alright, so Lorand's been actively doing things with the power, we know that just to open to the power lets other people know your strength straight away, and that other people in the audience were also open to the power in order to follow the contest. How, exactly, has the whole scheme not been blown wide open just by having Lorand in attendance? All those OTHER people should have sensed Lorand's strength in comparison with the Seated High and gone, uhhhhhhhhh wait a minute here. quote:Meerk’s face tightened with that, but he sat back rather than add anything else. Lorand exchanged a glance with Tamrissa, who shook her head sympathetically. They both knew how hard it is to lose illusions, even when the illusions aren’t many or sacred. Disappointment always follows the loss, and it takes a while to adjust your thinking. Three times in one chapter! quote:But it didn’t take long before the Seated High was ready to continue. They’d given him something to drink along with a small snack, as though he’d really expended strength with what he’d done, and now he was properly refreshed. Contrast this to Chapter 6, for example. I seem to recall moving that amount of dirt around is no small trifle.quote:Hat was gestured to by the official, the gesture telling him to take his place on the dais, and Lorand watched his friend stand slowly. Hat wore an odd expression, as though he were disturbed about something, and he even went so far as to glance at Lorand. But then he seemed to get a better hold on himself, and simply walked to the proper place on the dais without any further delay. Meaning that it's exactly what's going on! quote:Suddenly Hat reached for the power, and then his ability was splintering some of the wood blocks and slicing small curls of metal from the iron ingots. Slicing metal like that should have been beyond him just as Lorand believed it was beyond his own talent, but things were happening too fast for Lorand to stop and think about them. But you were able to react perfectly fine in the split second between soil being hurled at the Seated High and the soil making contact before? quote:Once Hat had a good supply of splinters and curls, he began to throw them at the Seated High in an almost purely random way. I... Hat's literally throwing splinters and metal shavings at the other guy. How is this threatening? Why would you not slice off, I dunno, METAL SPIKES? quote:Lorand and Hat used to wrestle with their talent regularly as boys, at least until Lorand began to win all the time… What does this even mean? Like, magical arm wrestling? I can't even picture this! quote:And at first the strategy of the attack seemed to work. The Seated High actually raised an arm along with his talent’s shield, a sign that the man knew he might have trouble stopping the missiles with ability alone. Lorand was able to feel Hat’s glee as the smaller man began to increase the speed of his attack. He really expected to win, Lorand realized, just as he’d often won as a child. Obviously he still didn’t know that most of his early wins had been gifts from his friends. Dividing talent should not be a mystery to you! You had to do this to pass the first test! quote:Just as the screen’s purpose was. The first section of it stopped the wooden splinters and the second stopped the iron curls, but to the naked eye it looked as if both kinds of missiles were being stopped at once. Lorand felt Hat’s shock at that, as if his friend were unable to perceive the double screen. Or maybe it was just that Hat considered the defense unfair, a variation he was unprepared for and which therefore shouldn’t have been used on him. Magical wrestling is happening on the page and I STILL have no idea how this is working. quote:Lorand noticed that he himself had automatically raised a shield of some sort between him and Hat, which made him realize that Hat had somehow tapped into his strength to begin with. It had to be something Hat had learned to do as a child, and something that Lorand had learned to shield against. And we also have no idea if this is the same or different to linking! What is going on?! quote:Lorand shifted in his seat with indecision, wondering if he ought to drop his own shield. DO IT! quote:Having Hat win to the position of Seated High wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen, but all it would really accomplish would be to cause trouble. He couldn’t very well stay with Hat from now on, and the first time someone stronger challenged Hat for the Seat, Hat would lose. Better to let it happen now and get it over with, when he would be there to keep Hat from being too badly hurt. Oh come on. This would have been a GREAT diversion and made the story more interesting! quote:The Seated High kept adding pressure until Hat dropped to his knees from the effort of defending himself. His breathing grew hard and ragged and sweat covered his face, and it quickly became clear that he couldn’t continue. The small challenger finally raised a reluctant hand and gasped out, “I yield!” Well not really, since we weren't told any of the rules. It could have been best of three, or more likely, best of FIVE (FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE). quote:The Seated High ignored Hat completely while he reached for the refreshments being brought to him, leaving it to the robed official to gesture to the others in similar robes. Three of the men came up to Hat, one of them speaking to him quietly, but Hat gestured a dismissal of whatever he was being told and simply continued to stare at the Seated High. So is this a second paid job or is Meerk now buddies and doing this out of the goodness of his heart? quote:Leaving now would make them far too conspicuous, something they had no need of. Especially since Hat had been shouting about the whole thing being a setup and a cheat. They certainly didn’t need to be linked with that, not when they had their own plans to get around the cheaters. Why did we get this in narration instead of having Hat's dialogue?! quote:But Lorand couldn’t shake the guilt he felt. He’d deliberately let down a friend, something he’d never done before. He seemed to have picked up new habits in Gan Garee, and only time would tell if the worst ones had managed to establish themselves too firmly to be shaken loose… OMFG. Summary: Day 11 Meerk take Lorand and Tamrissa go to see Hat as a challenger to the Seated High in Earth magic. The whole contest is a sham. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 42 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 21 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom, an ampitheatre MEALS ON-SCREEN: 26 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 16 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x2), shared themselves/sharing (x2), exercise (x1), entering TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 17 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1), sweet lady (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 76 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 49 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 19 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 68 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 39 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 49 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 31 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 11 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 8 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 7, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: I'd say this is probably the first significance sequence in this book, as it is the payoff for the Lorand/Hat subplot. Again with so many things Green, the concept itself is solid but the execution just sucks! What I would have liked to see instead:
I got rid of the Seated Highs as a separate office in my rewrite, because it was too confusing to have both Seated Highs and a Seated Blending, so I will probably straight up do this as one of the Seated Blending not defeating their challenger in my version, which will have consequences (nature TBD) on the empire. Leng fucked around with this message at 18:33 on Jun 12, 2021 |
|
#
?
Jun 12, 2021 18:29
|
|
|
This is it!! This is the chapter we've all been waiting for, the fulfilment of the promise of the series.quote:CHAPTER FIFTEEN Which begs the question again, if Lorand can tell–simply by being in contact with the power and observing from afar–how is this sham STILL going? How has nobody else in attendance picked up on the same thing? quote:But for some reason that one hadn’t used all his talent, and it had seemed as though something were keeping him from it. Well you guys should know exactly what this is by now, given Jovvi's conveniently placed chapters. quote:I sat in a chair and tried to imagine what that something could be until a servant came to announce that lunch was ready, at which point I gave up the useless line of thought. There was too much I didn’t know, which made my thinking wasted effort. I...just...this is the worst. THE WORST. quote:But before leaving my apartment, I took a moment to remind myself how I was supposed to be feeling about the others. Trying to pretend around Spirit magic should be an emotionally and mentally exhausting affair. Or who knows, like with everything else, power levels are incredibly inconsistent. We will never see an example of a Low in Spirit magic so there's nothing per canon as to what a Low can or can't do. In the sequel trilogy, we will see a Middle in Spirit magic at work though, and the differences are apparent. Jovvi remains off the charts on the power scale.quote:Jovvi had wrongfully accused me, Rion had been uncaring about my nervousness, Lorand had begun to avoid my company, and Vallant was the same hateful man he’d always been. I especially had to remind myself about that last point, since I’d caught Vallant staring at me once or twice. Half the time I wished I’d never told Lorand the truth about how I felt, and the other half… I rose quickly and left my apartment before thoughts about that made me forget about lunch. There is no other way that I can interpret this other than Tamrissa thinking about  quote:When I stepped into the hall, it was to find that I’d been wise to restructure my emotions before coming out. The others were also leaving their bedchambers, and two servants were busily dusting and polishing in the midst of it all. There was no question that their work absorbed them completely, so they must have missed the very chill atmosphere that both Jovvi and I projected. The men were more aloof or standoffish, and we made a silent parade down to the dining room. We've only been waiting two entire books plus a third of another one for this event. quote:The delighted tone of her voice matched her ingenuous smile perfectly, showing she had no idea that she’d completely ruined my appetite. I wasn’t sure if the others felt the same shock I had, since they seemed to be controlling their expressions in the same way I was attempting to do. Glances flickered around very briefly, and then Jovvi smiled faintly. And HOW does Jovvi know this, since information about how to Blend is highly classified? Especially considering that back in Chapter 2 of Book 1, she was all "what is this Spirit magic that I have, I don't know what you're talking about". If only Green had written in some sort of investigative arc for Jovvi, where she went around pulling information out of people's heads! quote:“Oh, that is disappointing,” Warla agreed sadly while the rest of us exchanged flickering glances again. Warla clearly thought that Jovvi was simply making an observation, but the rest of us were taking it as a very strong suggestion. No matter what anyone tried, it would be a good idea if we didn’t manage to Blend on our first attempt. I agreed that it was a good idea, but it gave me something else to worry about : if we did Blend on the first try, would I be able to hide it? None of us had any idea what Blending would be like… Both for the hammer in face explanation AND the awful internal monologue. quote:Warla made some soothing and encouraging comments before she left, but what the exact words were I simply can’t remember. The thudding of my heart and the frantic flying of the butterflies in my stomach combined to make too much noise for me to hear much of anything. It even distracted me from the food being served, which meant I suddenly found myself eating from a plate I couldn’t remember filling. But I was eating from it, which was an even bigger surprise. My appetite should have been long gone… There you go, the first side effect of extensive magic use becoming apparent: you get really hungry. quote:I sighed before applying myself to the food again. Things were becoming so strange that another strangeness or two really made very little difference. These books are so badly written that another badly written thing or two really makes very little difference. quote:I noticed that the others were eating their food with a distraction matching mine, so I didn’t look at them again. Servants were walking in and out of the room, either bringing things or checking to see if anything was needed, and at least one of them had to be a spy for the testing authority. If that spy caught me looking for support from the others, he or she would know immediately that our disagreements weren’t real. Wallpaper. WALLPAPER. Her freaking protagonist is staring at the wallpaper and Green can't even bother to describe the wallpaper. quote:“A gentleman from the testing authority,” the servant added, which should have eased our minds. It could have been one of the horde of people bedeviling us, like my father and his next choice of a husband for me. When I found myself trying to decide whether or not I would have preferred the caller to be my father, I knew exactly how frightened I was of what was coming. Here's Green trying to hype this up to be some sort of terrifying thing, when we've literally seen nothing in her magic system that qualifies as terrifying. Or her books–except for the messed up messaging in here for women and girls. quote:“I’ll greet the gentleman myself,” I announced as I stood, forcing myself to ignore the fear. Wow aren't you soooooo brave. quote:“And we’ll all be in the library, so have someone bring us tea.” TEA. quote:The servant bowed an acknowledgment and stood aside to let me walk out first, which I did. Behind me I was aware of the others rising and following, which helped quite a lot. If I’d had to face our caller all alone, I’m not sure I could have done it. Simply leading the way was hard enough, especially when I saw the man standing in the front hall. Tall and lean and dressed in the latest, most expensive fashion, his supercilious attitude proclaimed him to be a member of the nobility. We have just met the most interesting character in the entire series. Book 8 spoilers this guy is from the advanced nation of full Blendings that has been manipulating things behind the scenes via Sight magic and he's here to make sure the Chosen actually get taught how to Blend properly. quote:“Of course, sir, it’s this way,” I said, gesturing toward the library before beginning to lead the way to it. My voice was still a trifle unsteady, but now it was annoyance rather than fear causing the reaction. The man was as objectionable as the rest of the nobility seemed to be, but I had to swallow the annoyance at least until he showed us what we needed to know. After that … well, that remained to be seen. Tamrissa, you have no idea. quote:Lord Carmad followed me into the library, and the others came in right behind him. He nodded when Lorand closed the door, then sat himself in a chair as if he were royalty rather than simply another member of the nobility. Small details like this piss me off as well, because it shows how little the author cares about her work. There is no royalty in this world! There's the nobility and the Seated Highs and the Seated Blending. There are two other positions that are established in-world things Green could have used, but she's too lazy so she didn't bother. quote:“Yes, privacy is exactly what we want,” he announced as he made himself comfortable in the chair. “From now on you will go to any lengths necessary to ensure your privacy, and moreover will discuss nothing of what you’re about to be told if there’s any chance of your being overheard. The law considers it a crime against the empire to speak of these matters to anyone not authorized to hear them, and even people like you will be arrested and put on trial if you fail to be properly discreet.” How exactly do you put people on trial for a thing that people aren't allowed to know about? quote:He paused to see what effect his announcement had had on us, but didn’t have to search very hard. The others weren’t as wide-eyed as I certainly was, but they were also far from being unaffected. Green's only been hinting at this for the last two and a third books! quote:“Next in line we need Earth magic, behind Spirit and at the same distance from her as Spirit is from Fire,” the noble went on. “That’s right, stop right there. Now we need Water to Spirit’s right and Air to her left, again, at the same distance that the others have already established. Yes, that’s the way.” TEA. quote:The gesture he used was suited for use with small children and servants who weren’t very bright, but none of us commented as we stepped out of the formation. Once that was done I told the servant to come in, and happily it really was the tea being brought. Lord Carmad finally got up, but only to go to the service where it was put on the large table. While he poured himself a cup I told the servant to pass the word that we weren’t to be disturbed for any reason, which would hopefully take care of any further interruptions. Now that we’d actually begun, I very much wanted to get on with it. This scene is absurd when you've finished all eight books: they're (badly) pretending to hate each other in front of a guy who's pretending (really well) to be a noble and also pretending that he doesn't know they are the Chosen and in fact he is probably part of one of the main Blendings from the other continent overseeing this project I like reread value in my books and Green has just not written this scene with reread value in mind. quote:“At least you seem to remember what you’re told,” he muttered, crossing his legs before raising his voice back to normal. “And now to continue. You will each of you open yourselves to the power, and grasp it firmly but lightly. Do I need to explain what I mean by that?” This is the only time in the books where the extent of someone's touch on the power even matters. The aspect this is also a good question that never gets followed up on! quote:I nodded in answer, at the same time silently reminding myself that I wasn’t to show any reaction if we did manage to Blend. Remembering things and reacting properly was easier when I touched the power, and now most of my fear was gone as well. I was as ready as I ever would be, and had the distant but definite sense that the others were the same. Apparently touching the power grants you a semblance of Spirit magic? Sometimes it's hard to tell whether Green intended something, handwaved something or just had bad prose. quote:“Now, the next part of my instruction may sound too general, but it happens to be a necessity,” Lord Carmad continued. “Others can only suggest the method of your Blending; you five alone can find the proper way to apply that method. Form a picture in your minds of a sphere rather than a flat circle, with Spirit in the center of the sphere. Spirit is the heart and balancing force of a Blending, sending out gossamer arms to the other four members. Those arms are as fragile as a spiderweb but as strong as woven steel, a contradiction that isn’t a contradiction at all. Please try it now, Spirit.” It was going okay, right up until that last sentence. quote:I felt as though I floated in the clouds somewhere, buoyed up on mighty wings of power. I still retained my individual sense of being, but I also felt myself to be an integral part of a WE. WE floated among the clouds in a beautiful blue sky, floating only because WE wished to. OUR strength was such that WE could have flown off in any direction, but WE didn’t want to. Floating suited US at the moment, bringing a joy so great it was beyond description. And now we're officially tripping  quote:*Don’t say anything aloud,* a part of the WE sent, the Jovvi part. Rion was the strongest taste in my mouth, but Jovvi was easy to recognize. *I think we’ve done it, but we don’t want them to know.* The sending wasn’t words, but something much clearer than words. Sex mechanic in action! Because this is better than sex, apparently. And you know it's true because VALLANT of all people said it. quote:The rest of US agreed with a joint sigh, and I did my part by pulling back from the merging. Suddenly I stood in the library again, Lord Carmad in the chair just a few feet in front of me, a sense of loss filling my mind. I’d only been part of the WE for a moment or two, and already being without it made me feel crippled. In which case I am completely boggled at how the hell these guys managed to Blend. They've known each other for 11 days. ELEVEN DAYS. quote:I smiled to myself as I pretended to try doing as he said, knowing now that he hadn’t noticed what we’d achieved a moment ago. If what I’d been part of wasn’t Blending then nothing was, but the man continued to give us directions. If he knew, then he was wasting his breath, a pastime I doubted he indulged in often if ever. Book 8 spoilers oh he KNOWS, because he's part of a full Blending, he's just pretending he doesn't know, because he's under deep cover quote:“Just what exactly are we supposed to feel when this is done right?” Jovvi asked after another moment, her voice filled with vague annoyance. “I’m reaching out, but all I’m getting back is the impression of someone else reaching to me. More than one someone else, but how many and who I can’t quite tell.” Book 8 spoilers and then Green goes and puts a line like this here, which is hard to figure out if he's playing two roles or not. I'm gonna say yes, because when you see full Blending happen in Book 8, no other explanation makes sense, but also Green didn't know she was going write the last 3 books at this point so quote:“It takes more than one effort to achieve a complete Blending, and the first step is always the same. Try to become more aware of who it is reaching for you, at the same time making an effort to strengthen the connection. You others make the same effort, and then we’ll call it a day.” Except that we know from Eltrina that you can just replace people in Blendings? And there was nothing that looked even remotely strenuous about the whole process? quote:I expected him to nod to us at the very least, but instead he dismissed us completely from his awareness. He strode to the door and left the way someone else would leave an empty room, but at least he did go. Lorand drifted to the door after him, opened it a crack, and peeked out. A brief moment later he closed the door again, then turned to us with a grin. To no one's surprise, the chapter did not match up to the promise made at the beginning. Spoilers for later this book, in like another 15 chapters or so: no they haven't, this isn't Blending yet Summary: Day 11 Meerk take Lorand and Tamrissa go to see Hat as a challenger to the Seated High in Earth magic. The whole contest is a sham. Lord Carmad Lestrin shows up to teach the protagonists how to Blend; the protagonists are very proud of themselves for hiding the signs of their own success. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 43 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton, Carmad Lestrin (minor spoiler - sorry, you're not going to see him again) TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 21 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom, an ampitheatre MEALS ON-SCREEN: 27 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast, dinner), Day 11 (lunch) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 16 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x2), shared themselves/sharing (x2), exercise (x1), entering TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 17 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1), sweet lady (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 78 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 49 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 19 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 69 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 39 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 51 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 31 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 11 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 8 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 7, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: My main complaint on this chapter has to do with the mechanics of Blending, which we can't discuss without spoilers until we get to Chapter 30 something, so uh, hang on until we get there.
|
|
#
?
Jun 18, 2021 13:31
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER SIXTEEN Sometimes when I'm reading these books, I kinda think Green just really wanted TWO magical powers (Earth and Spirit) but then felt obligated to round out the other elements because FIVE FIVE FIVE. Earth and Spirit magic are the only two aspects that feel fully developed. quote:“We can’t try again until we know it’s safe,” Jovvi reminded the others in a soft voice. “Can anyone else tell that we’re about to have company?” You guys REALLY can't figure this one out?  quote:And it wasn’t. No more than the specified five minutes could have passed before all the servants were gathered in the hall, most looking puzzled, the rest nervous. Jovvi now found it easy to tell which servants were being paid to spy on them, and as Tamma stalked over to stand in front of the group, Jovvi began to file faces in her memory. Since we're in Jovvi's POV, it would be nice if we got some narration on how she's picking them out! quote:“Is the entire staff here?” Tamma asked as she looked around. “I used to know everyone under this roof, but these days half of you are strangers.” Just how big is this house? It sounds like there were at least twenty servants on staff. quote:“So how did I do?” Tamma asked with a laugh as Jovvi closed the door. “Did they believe me?” And you won't, not for another 5 books! quote:Jovvi’s words broke off when the knock came at the door, a firm, deliberate knock that couldn’t possibly be considered part of sneaking or lurking. She got that intention clearly from the servant’s mind, and then the man was opening the door and stepping inside. TEA! quote:“If I survive to reach home again, I will certainly have someone’s head on a platter,” he squeaked in what seemed to be a naturally high voice, complaining to the universe at large rather than speaking directly to them. “My carriage is currently being refitted, so I hired a carriage to take me around today. Two blocks from here the hired carriage lost a wheel, and in order to keep to my schedule I was forced to walk the rest of the way. I will most likely perish from the ordeal, but if I don’t… Another cup of tea, my dear, if you will.” Seriously? Who drinks tea like this? quote:He raised the cup toward Tamma without looking at her, and after a very brief hesitation Tamma took it and turned back to the tea service. Jovvi was surprised that Tamma hadn’t refused to play servant for the ridiculous little man, but when she returned with the refilled cup it became clear why she hadn’t. Mischievous Tamrissa is actually borderline likeable. quote:“Why don’t you speak to us now about what brings you here?” Vallant suggested, swallowing the same sort of laugh all of them were currently fighting. Clearly Tamma had warmed up the man’s tea, a more satisfying response than simply refusing to be his servant. .....  way to ruin the joke.quote:“Well, why do you think I’m here?” Lord Twimmal countered pettishly while trying to cool the tea by blowing on it. “I did send word ahead of me, after all, although the way things have been going I won’t be surprised if it never reached you. I’m here to teach the five of you how to Blend.” Dun dun dun! Green actually ends this chapter with a legit cliffhanger! It's so rare that I think we should celebrate  Summary: Day 11 Meerk take Lorand and Tamrissa go to see Hat as a challenger to the Seated High in Earth magic. The whole contest is a sham. Lord Carmad Lestrin shows up to teach the protagonists how to Blend; the protagonists are very proud of themselves for hiding the signs of their own success. Tamrissa puts an end to all spying in the house by threatening to dob in anyone watching them since knowledge of Blending is highly classified. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 43 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton, Carmad Lestrin (minor spoiler - sorry, you're not going to see him again) TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 21 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom, an ampitheatre MEALS ON-SCREEN: 27 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast, dinner), Day 11 (lunch) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 16 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x2), shared themselves/sharing (x2), exercise (x1), entering TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 17 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1), sweet lady (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 78 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 49 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 19 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 69 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 39 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 53 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 31 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 11 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 8 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 7, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: I'm actually okay with this chapter in the scheme of things. Twimmal is actually distinctive as a character; Tamrissa actually does something useful; the ending is actually not a made up fake cliffhanger for the sake of having a cliffhanger. I've used the word "actually" four times in the last sentence because I still find it difficult to believe that happened. Leng fucked around with this message at 13:43 on Jun 21, 2021 |
|
#
?
Jun 21, 2021 13:40
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER SEVENTEEN Not-spoilers: we will learn nothing. quote:“It so happens we did get that message,” Jovvi said almost immediately, “but we became so immersed in our conversation about the servant problem that it slipped our minds. Do you need anything else before we can begin?” Lies - you've been obsessed with her from the beginning, based on nothing more than her looks. quote:But this wasn’t the time for thoughts about anything but what they were in the middle of. Tamrissa, Jovvi, and Lorand were lining up slowly and haphazardly to match the fat fool’s offhand instructions, and that gave Vallant an idea. He caught Rion’s eye and gestured slightly with his head, silently suggesting that Rion move forward to stand beside Tamrissa just as Vallant was doing. They hadn’t been told to flank their Spirit magic member, so there was no reason for them to do it. I think this is the first intelligent thing Vallant has done in the course of these books so far. quote:“Oh, very good, very good,” Lord Twimmal said distractedly with a wave of his fat hand when he finally noticed them. “I just don’t understand why this tea refuses to cool off… Now, all five of you have to concentrate. Spirit magic will stretch out arms to each of you, and you’re to do nothing to avoid the touch. Go ahead and try it.” Considering how oblivious you guys are, you should cut Twimmal some slack. I think you guys are on about the same level, honestly. quote:“I’m having some trouble with this,” Lorand said after a short while, sounding a bit vexed. “I can reach our Spirit magic member, but I’m having trouble reaching the others at the same time.” Is there seriously no way of verifying this other than self-reporting? If so, you'd think every person the testing authority sends should either be an Earth magic or Spirit magic talent! quote:When I return tomorrow you may try again, but no practicing on your own until you’ve Blended with me watching. Now I can only hope that the carriage I sent for when I arrived has gotten here. It always takes those people so long to respond, and that no matter who you are. Horses are so limited, and completely unimpressed with a man’s position in life…” Once again, a fleeting glimpse of what could have been better writing, followed by a sledgehammer to the face. quote:“His carriage isn’t here yet, so he’s demanding a ‘snack’ in the dining room to help him survive the wait,” Lorand reported in a murmur. “Weeks is taking care of it, but until the man leaves we need to see what’s going on out there.” We're only connecting the dots 3 books and 10 chapters later. In the most obvious and over-explained way possible. quote:“What could you have found out about?” Vallant asked, taking his turn at frowning as he cast his mind back. “I was right there with you, and I don’t remember learnin’ about anythin’ in particular.” if there were any spies listening in with Spirit magic, they all would have spotted your elation in the previous chapter. Failing that, you literally have two High talents in the room who could do a scan to see if anyone is in range. quote:Vallant noticed that he wasn’t alone in having needed the reminder, and that was more amusing than embarrassing. Many of his attitudes seemed to have been changed by that one brief moment of merging, at least as far as the others were concerned. Lorand and Rion were no longer Coll and Mardimil to him, and he was certain that they felt the same toward him. But just to be on the safe side they spread out a bit before sitting, then gave Jovvi their attention. All it took for the men to be on a first name basis was magic, instead of interacting like humans. quote:“Think back to that very first test we passed,” she said, keeping her voice low and the words calm. “That was the one we also had to survive, and when we did we were then sent to this residence. Do any of you remember how long it took for the coach to arrive?” quote:The others interrupted to ask what Puredan was, so Jovvi explained while Vallant fumed. He’d been drugged, by drat, drugged like a criminal or slave! He’d been under the thumb of the testing authority all along without realizing it, thinking of himself as a free man when he was nothing of the sort! I'm glad we didn't have to sit through that explanation again. quote:“And we have no idea what they told us while we were under,” Jovvi finished her explanation with. “Any orders given us will be obeyed completely, and we won’t even know we’re obeying them. No wonder none of the ‘smart gold’ is being bet on a common Blending to win the competitions.” From here on, prepare for unsubtle descriptions of flames and flame-like effects everywhere whenever Tamrissa gets mad. quote:“And we don’t know how any buried orders are keyed, but you can bet those miserable testing authority people do. No wonder that noble was so casual when he talked about claiming me. He’s the one who gave me the orders, so he has nothing at all to worry about.” So...you're not trying to keep that on the down low anymore? quote:“And as if this weren’t enough, we also have that mystery confronting us,” Rion pointed out. “Twimmal had no idea that anyone else had come to instruct us about Blending, most especially not someone who did a better job of it than he. Without that so-called Lord Carmad, we’d still be struggling and floundering in an effort to make sense of what we were being told. Now we have to wonder who the man was, and why he made that effort to help us.” A protagonist has declared it cannot be so, therefore, it must definitely be so. quote:but the possibility still remains. It would be nice if there was a group working against the nobility and specifically in favor of the common groups, one that could tell us all the things the testing authority is holding back on. I hope ‘Lord Carmad’ does come back tomorrow.” Book 5 spoilers: he's got Sight magic! quote:not to mention the fact that we now know he isn’t really from the testing authority. He’ll have to know that we’ll be asking questions about something other than Blending, and—Did anyone else notice that even he didn’t describe the actual process accurately?” Book 8 spoilers: oh he definitely noticed, you just didn't see through his act quote:“Doesn’t anyone know how this is really supposed to work?” Too bad you'll need to wait until Book 8! quote:“I’ve always wondered why Blending is illegal for everyone but the Seated Five,” Tamrissa mused. “I’ve heard it claimed that only High talents can Blend, so an illegal Blending would require the Five to stop them if they began to run amok. Now that it’s just about certain the Seated Five were given their place rather than having to earn it, I’m not wondering any longer.” Now there's an interesting question: if other places know how to Blend and there is commerce and travel between Gandistra and these other places, how the hell is the nobility keeping that secret under wraps? Spoilers for Book 5 and Book 6: it's because Astinda was in a state of constant war so nobody went there and Gracely restricts the number of Blendings to 20 and nobody goes to Book 8 spoilers the other continent apparently which I find pretty unrealistic, if they have ships. quote:“It’s fairly clear we’re going to have to hope it’s true,” Lorand said, his words heavy and his gaze troubled. “If we don’t win the competitions, the empire will never allow us to stay together. We’ll have to go elsewhere if we want to do that, immediately and without giving them warning. If we don’t, we’ll never see each other again.” "hope" is not a strategy, Lorand.quote:“And they’ll never let us remember what we’re now learnin’,” Vallant added in agreement, suddenly just as troubled. “They won’t want people walkin’ around who know how to Blend, and who might be unhappy enough to pass on what they know. Either they’ll do somethin’ to make us forget, or…” quote:“If there’s a problem or someone comes calling, they’ll have an excuse to walk in and see what we’re doing. That fat little man said we’re not supposed to practice without him, and if we do anyway the testing authority’s spy will certainly report us.” What are they gonna do about it? Split you up? You know they need Blendings! This feels like a ten year old being told to behave in the classroom otherwise the teacher will make them sit somewhere else away from their friends. quote:“So we had best leave it for the middle of the night,” Rion said in support, sounding as disappointed as Vallant felt. “I’d hoped there would be no further delay, but this one is unavoidable.” Again, "hope" is not an actual strategy! quote:Arguing with the conclusion was impossible, especially when Weeks stopped in the doorway to announce that their visitor was finally gone. why would the house steward come in and announce the visitor is gone? Weeks is the spy! quote:If they’d been doing more than just talking, the servant would certainly have noticed. But that left the rest of the day with nothing in particular to occupy them, so Vallant got up and ambled over to where Tamrissa now stood. How large is this garden? quote:“You’re forgetting that they don’t yet know we’ve Blended,” she murmured back, the steadiness of her voice saying she continued to touch the power. “Until we’re beyond the point where they can separate us, we have to keep on hating each other. After that, I’ll arrange everything.” Guess Vallant doesn't like it if he's not wearing the pants. Summary: Day 11 Meerk take Lorand and Tamrissa go to see Hat as a challenger to the Seated High in Earth magic. The whole contest is a sham. Lord Carmad Lestrin shows up to teach the protagonists how to Blend; the protagonists are very proud of themselves for hiding the signs of their own success. Tamrissa puts an end to all spying in the house by threatening to dob in anyone watching them since knowledge of Blending is highly classified. Another testing authority representative, Lord Twimmal, shows up to teach (badly) them to Blend. Jovvi finally figures out that they've all been drugged with Puredan to obey unknown orders. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 43 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton, Carmad Lestrin (minor spoiler - sorry, you're not going to see him again) TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 21 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom, an ampitheatre MEALS ON-SCREEN: 27 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast, dinner), Day 11 (lunch) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 16 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x2), shared themselves/sharing (x2), exercise (x1), entering TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 17 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1), sweet lady (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 79 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 49 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 20 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 69 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 39 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 54 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 31 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 11 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 8 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 7, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: If Green was a more skilled author, this could have been an interesting chapter. Sanderson's epilogue to Rhythm of War was FASCINATING because he repeated the exact scene - dialogue included - TWICE, but made subtle changes each time. People are STILL analyzing what the differences mean, the implications for the next book and coming up with fan theories. Book 8 spoilers - I am not a fan of the whole "advanced nation of full Blendings manipulating things from the shadows" schtick. It's literally "a bunch of wizards did it", and Green tries to make a save by having one of those said wizards say on the page that "oh we didn't force anyone to do anything because LOVE we just arranged things so events that would have happened according to probability happened more efficiently" a.k.a. "yeah ok it was a bunch of wizards but they didn't actually do it, they just arranged things so it happened, oh wait-" I am probably going to get rid of that angle entirely because I can't see any way to do it that wouldn't take away from the characters' agency, though I might still leave in some element of Fate/Chaos/etc.
|
|
#
?
Jun 25, 2021 13:52
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER EIGHTEEN In Green's universe, apparently one is always bathing, about to bathe, has just bathed, or is in need of bathing. Somebody needs to tell her that characters can do things other than taking baths! quote:He finished dressing in record time and went down to the sitting room, to find that only Kambil was there with their guest. Delin and Kambil had shared a late breakfast, but late or not, the others still hadn’t come down. Delin's father will not actually ever make an appearance on the page. quote:“We’ll begin as soon as the rest of your group gets here,” Lord Idian went on, his tone warm and encouraging—and somehow not quite real. “I can see I should have sent word ahead as to what time I would be arriving, but it simply didn’t occur to me. Tomorrow you’ll know, so there won’t be anything of a delay.” Could we not just have opened at the part where everybody is here? Also, what the hell is going on with Lord Idian? quote:“Lord Idian tells me he expected Rigos to come along and introduce him,” Kambil put in as Delin turned away from the service with a cup of tea in his hands. “Rigos, however, sent word that he was unavoidably detained, and would join Lord Idian tomorrow instead. When you arrived, I was in the process of wondering aloud if that scene with Bron might have had anything to do with Rigos’s lack of attendance.” Delin is that annoying guy in an improv exercise who constantly finds excuses for not going along with any of the ideas put forward by his improv partner/s. quote:“Complicate them in what way?” Kambil asked, to Delin’s eye innocently curious. “Is it likely to affect our efforts at Blending?” The political situation is so fascinat– Oh wait, it's not, because we never get to see or experience any of it from a POV character who's involved. quote:“Now the exoneration is less certain, so Lord Ollon might well become … agitated again,” Kambil said with a nod, completing the thought. “It is unlikely the matter will affect those of us meant to compete, at least directly. Indirectly, however … it would be pleasant to have an Advisory agent who isn’t likely to be snatched away from us again—or apt to have a public breakdown.” Sometimes I can't tell whether Green is using a character as a mouthpiece, or a character is just intentionally terrible. Given her  track record, this is one of those times.quote:“You know, a strange thought just occurred to me,” Delin said slowly, drawing the attention of the others. “Hiblit was definitely odd when he first introduced himself, but he certainly didn’t seem unstable. Just how long before that … scene was Rigos released from custody?” Unless he has Spirit or Earth magic! Which we don't know if he does, because Delin didn't bother to check! quote:“It just seems strange that Rigos is released in the morning, and that evening his old position is suddenly vacated. I have no idea how something like that could be managed, but isn’t it said that enough gold can buy anything anyone might want?” All of that, just so we can see Delin being a sadistic piece of work, which we already know he is from the rape and murder fantasies. If any of this stuff mattered ultimately, I would be less mad, but it's Green so, you know. quote:“Before breakfast?” Selendi demanded, her usual surliness blurred by her not being completely awake. She and Homin and Bron stood in the doorway, all of them wearing wraps and looking half asleep. “I can’t possibly do anything at all before breakfast.” Uhhh...what? Did noble children actually get some conditioning or is this just normal, societal pressures/expectations? I really hate it when Green uses phrases like "it wasn't possible". quote:“No, don’t bother sitting down,” Lord Idian said at once in the same inflexible tone. “In the beginning you will stand when practicing this exercise, as the symbolism will assist you in attaining the physical reality. And in a very real way Blending is physical, despite the linking of minds to achieve it. We’ll begin with a straight line consisting of Fire, Spirit, and Earth, in that order, one behind the other with a distance of two feet between each of them.” FFS, three times in a row. quote:Delin stood up a bare moment before Kambil did, the two of them immediately walking over to join Bron. The Fire magic user seemed sullen but beyond the point of making objections, and the three of them were quickly in line. This is the entire promise of the series, and Green is beating it to death. quote:Delin watched Selendi and Homin position themselves, the two using more care than with anything they’d done since arriving at the residence. It struck him then that he might have been too quick in his displeasure with Lord Idian, who now had them all behaving as efficiently as possible. Anything that helped his unruly group to become an actual, functioning Blending was beneficial, even if the man did remind him of his father. Snore. quote:Delin had already closed his eyes, so he didn’t know whether any of the others had nodded. It was perfectly clear that none of them had spoken, the others presumably as intent as he on what they were in the midst of. And their part was difficult, requiring as it did that they do nothing but wait for Kambil to act. That could well take— the vagueness of it all just kills me! How is it different?! Where is "somewhere"? Why the emphasis on physical proximity? Why "no less than two feet"? What would happen if they did this wrong? quote:“All right, Spirit, by now you should be in contact with the others, and they with you.” Lord Idian’s voice came to Delin clearly, but somehow from a long distance off. “You should be fully aware of them in the sphere the five of you have created, and each of them should be fully aware of you but only distantly aware of each other. You’ve reached that point, have you not?” This...doesn't sound like a terrible thing? I mean, none of them originally wanted to be here in the first place! And they had cooked up this whole scheme so that they wouldn't seem terribly eager to be here and all. why can't Green keep her motivations and plot threads straight?quote:Delin broke contact with Kambil immediately, before the surge of terror and rage he felt was able to travel up the connection between them. Uh, dude, hate to break it to you, but Kambil has this thing called Spirit magic, and he's holding onto the power right now, so regardless of whether you break contact or not, he knows you're terrified and angry anyway! quote:He’d known those fools would cause trouble, and the only surprise involved was that Homin wasn’t guilty as well. If they ruined this for him, he’d— We get it, Fire magic is important, blah blah blah. quote:“And as far as the girl goes, have either of you lain with her yet?” What? So the sex mechanic is widely known amongst the nobility? quote:“You, Lord Kambil, should do so at once, and you, Lord Delin, as soon afterward as practical,” Lord Idian said, his nod telling them he wasn’t surprised at their answer. “Physical intimacy strengthens the bond of talent much more than you would believe, which means the others must lie with her as well. A pity you have only the one female, as two has proven itself optimum. Most of your … connections beyond the one with Spirit will need to go through the woman—unless two or more of you men have been intimate? No? A pity, but we all must work with what we have. Until tomorrow, gentles.” There you go. The ONE explicit mention Green has made in the entire series to non-cishet relationships. There are others, but they are never explicitly mentioned. quote:Lord Idian bowed very slightly and then left them, and Kambil went to the windows and moved the drape somewhat aside. He looked out for a very long moment, then finally turned back to Delin. This is why Spirit magic is terrifying and overpowered. quote:“I sincerely hope so,” Delin commented, finding it only fitting that Kambil clean up his own mess. “And don’t forget about Selendi. The two of them have to be ready by tomorrow, sooner if possible. If we lose this opportunity because of those two, I’ll kill them with my bare hands.” Write this story! Summary: Day 11 Meerk take Lorand and Tamrissa go to see Hat as a challenger to the Seated High in Earth magic. The whole contest is a sham. Lord Carmad Lestrin shows up to teach the protagonists how to Blend; the protagonists are very proud of themselves for hiding the signs of their own success. Tamrissa puts an end to all spying in the house by threatening to dob in anyone watching them since knowledge of Blending is highly classified. Another testing authority representative, Lord Twimmal, shows up to teach (badly) them to Blend. Jovvi finally figures out that they've all been drugged with Puredan to obey unknown orders. Meanwhile, Lord Idrian shows up to teach the nobles how to Blend, but only Kambil and Delin are up. After Delin besmirches Rigos' reputation some more, Selendi, Homin and Bron finally show up. We get a THIRD lecture of "how to Blend" and Selendi and Bron can't reach Kambil. The three late arrivals are dismissed, then Kambil and Delin are told to have sex with Selendi ASAP, because that will somehow enable all of their magical connections to go through both Selendi AND Kambil. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 43 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton, Carmad Lestrin (minor spoiler - sorry, you're not going to see him again) TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 21 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom, an ampitheatre MEALS ON-SCREEN: 27 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast, dinner), Day 11 (lunch) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 16 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x2), shared themselves/sharing (x2), exercise (x1), entering TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 17 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1), sweet lady (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 79 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 49 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 21 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 70 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 40 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 55 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 31 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 11 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 8 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 7, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: The sex mechanic is finally explained! And it is totally weird! Apparently it does two things: 1) increase the strength of the magical bond; and 2) acts as a bizarro magical connection switchboard/interchange/router Note that it is not a pre-requisite or co-requisite to the act of Blending! It's just an enhancer, apparently. Sequel trilogy spoilers it's also unclear whether or not it's absolutely required for a Blending to progress to its final state, since according to Green's canon, everybody in a Blending are polycule soulmates so of course they're all banging each other. The more you think about this mechanic, the less it makes sense. Which part of physical intimacy does the trick? From context, it seems penetration is required (whether male/female or male/male, and unclear whether oral counts) so does that mean female/female physical intimacy doesn't count? And if so, why so exclusionary Green? Is it because intercourse is the only kind of physical intimacy that matters?Guys, I can't. This mechanic makes no freaking sense, and trying to make it make sense is a slippery slope of drawing arbitrary lines of what does/doesn't "count" as sexual intimacy and what intimacy is, and all of that stuff. Somebody who is interested at exploring that and good at writing it with nuance can go attempt it. I'm going to chicken out and stick to the classic ye olde tried and true ritual blood sacrifice or something similar as a requirement for Blending to distinguish it from ordinary linking. Leng fucked around with this message at 14:52 on Jun 29, 2021 |
|
#
?
Jun 29, 2021 14:50
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER NINETEEN Somebody needs to tell Homin about the numerous courtesans that exist in this world. quote:Which was exactly what Kambil had been trying for. The last time we saw Kambil in action at the palace, he was not capable of this level of subtlety. quote:He smiled to himself as he sat, but the amount of work he’d done today left him only enough strength for a rather faint private smile. First he’d had to explain to Homin why others needed to lie with the first woman who had ever taken any sort of interest in Homin. Without his ability the effort probably would have been wasted, and their group would have broken up right then and there. I don't understand how Spirit magic users aren't running the Blendingverse. The level of mind and emotional bending and outright control they can achieve is ridiculously overpowered. quote:Working with Bron was like working with a stone wall already set in cement, but the man really had very little imagination. That made things much easier, and by the time Kambil had left him, Bron was eagerly looking forward to being “one of the very, very few.” At their next attempt he would embrace the idea of Blending, both to elevate his social status and to keep from becoming a laughingstock. Annnnd there you have it. Kambil's been messing around with his Blendingmates! He's been slowly reprogramming them the whole time. quote:And yet there was still Delin to consider. Kambil sipped from his wine glass as he watched the man saunter into the dining room, showing the world nothing but languid charm. On the inside, however, there was a roiling, agitated mass of fear and determination and ruthlessness, all held in a precarious control that could be swept away at any moment. His mind filled with hatred and loathing when he glanced at Homin and Selendi, and the emotion eased only a very little when he nodded to Kambil before taking his seat. It's been *checks* nearly 7 months since we saw Delin being introduced on screen via a Kambil POV. None of what we're currently seeing was present. At all. quote:“Bron’s late again?” he asked in mock horror, pretending to tease about a subject which actually came close to setting him frothing at the mouth. “I can understand being late to dull and unimportant meetings, but when you start arriving late to meals you definitely have a problem.” Green has done so little world building that I have no idea why their social status will be affected whatsoever, especially since Bron's first POV from the last book made it clear that everybody who's anybody in the nobility already know Adriari's Blending have been chosen to win. quote:“And we’ll have such marvelous control,” Selendi put in, turning her face away from Homin to look at Delin, but continuing to hold Homin’s hand. “Gaining control over ourselves is just the first step in controlling everything around us, so I can’t wait until we try to Blend again. Bron and I will manage it the next time, just wait and see if we don’t.” Because you guys are all idiotic incompetents as antagonists. quote:“What you’re suggesting just can’t be,” Delin protested, more than simply thrown off balance. “They’d never do to us what they do to the peasants, not when we matter. They may separate challenging Blendings who fail, which is, after all, simple caution, but to do more than that—No one would stand for it.” Way to make Kambil an even more compelling alternative protagonist to Jovvi! Also, I want to see an alternate universe where Grami goes to compete for the Fivefold Throne, because drat, this is some fine Spirit magic shenanigans going on here, but too bad Green is extremely agist about these things quote:The other four sat staring down at the table, and despite the thick silence Kambil knew exactly what they were thinking. None of them really got along with their families, and if there wasn’t out-and-out dislike between them, then indifference was as good as it got. And as far as promising futures went, there wasn’t a single one among them. Even Delin had been considered “too smooth to be trustworthy,” a condemnation Kambil had heard from more than one source. Most people seemed to believe that Delin would immediately try to replace anyone foolish enough to take him on as an assistant, which showed how astute even the dull and unimaginative could sometimes be. way to miss the point, evil geniuses! You guys have the ultimate state secret now. You KNOW in theory how to Blend. This is the in-universe equivalent of having the nuclear launch codes. Each of you, individually, are threats to the Empire's security, because you could just split up and start five separate Blendings of your own. Leading to an even bigger plothole of how the hell the testing authority has managed to game this process of keeping the method of Blending secret for all these centuries, without keeping people under lock and guard AND also having everyone in positions of power be absolutely inferior in terms of magical strength and skill.quote:“So you see that we, also, have no choice in the matter,” Kambil summed up, now sending determination. “We have to Blend and we have to win, but not just for the unique position and its incredible amount of power. We have to do it to save our favorite necks, which no one else can do for us.” Cue obligatory roundtable of confessionals that will smack us in the face with the Theme. quote:“Not any more,” Selendi surprised them by saying, anger and resentment strong in her mind. “I can see now that I never really believed we would win. I thought we would just perform in the competitions and then go back to our previous lives, but now I know that my previous life doesn’t want me back. My father could have kept this from happening to me, but since he’ll still have my sister he probably didn’t even try. I want him to regret that, along with the way he never had any time for me once I reached the age of eleven. I will make him regret it.” One. quote:“Along with my father,” Homin agreed, his thoughts more hardened than Kambil had ever seen them. “I can now remember at least two occasions when I overheard him saying I was an embarrassment to him. Once it was to an associate who was just as powerful as he was, and once it was to Elfini. After that was when she first began to … concentrate on me, but I couldn’t bring myself to blame my father for the torment. Now I can, and suddenly I want to see him pay.” Two. quote:“For me it’s my father and mother together,” Bron said with his gaze on his empty plate, another surprise. “They always gave me everything I wanted, then seemed to blame me for wanting it in the first place. If there were things they didn’t want me to have or do, why couldn’t they have just said so? Why is it my fault that they could never refuse me anything? I want to ask them that, but if we don’t win I’ll never get the chance.” Three. quote:“And my father has spent my entire life trying to grind me under his heel,” Delin put in, his gaze distracted and far away. “He’s never been able to force me into accepting his authority without question the way everyone else does, and he resents that lack bitterly. He knows I’ve always been terrified of his punishments, but that’s never been enough. He needs to be in complete control of everything, and I’m the one who kept that from happening. I swore a long time ago to always be the one, and winning is the only way I can keep that oath.” Four. quote:“Winning is also the only way I can ever see my grandmother again,” Kambil said, feeling that closing the circle was extremely necessary. FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE. quote:“She’s always been my whole world, and would never understand if I disappeared without a word. I could never do that to her, not on purpose and not even involuntarily. I’ll do anything I have to to avoid it, and I mean anything.” A legitimately good line with foreshadowing, that is unfortunately overshadowed by the ham-fisted writing everywhere else. quote:“So we’re all agreed,” Delin said with the first smile for his groupmates that wasn’t forced or artificial. I'm really angry at this character assassination of Delin. He could have been a much more compelling charming devil kind of sadistic villain, but Green just loooooooooves doing a thing of "oh look at this stupid character, they think they're so smart but really they're super dumb" to all of her characters except her protagonists.quote:“We’re going to do this, so I propose we get started right after dinner. Since we know what’s supposed to be done, let’s just go ahead and do it.” Character A: "Let us do the thing that we all know how to do so I propose we go ahead and do it since we all know how it's supposed to be done. And I can see that we all really like that idea so why don't we just go ahead and try?" Character B: "Yes indeedy, we shall indeed go and try the thing that we are all in agreement that we should do since we know how to do it." Characters C, D and E: "Why yes, what a marvellous idea for us to go together to do a thing that we all like and agree on" quote:Dinner was a little less than perfect because of the forced delay in having it served, but no one seemed to mind. Everyone ate with better appetite than they had in a long while, and after dessert they retired to the sitting room with a large tea service. They were all prepared to keep at the practice until they finally achieved Blending, and once again the servants had been put into a state of complete forgetfulness where the five of them were concerned. And nobody here is freaking the hell out that Kambil can just temporarily lobotomize people? quote:“All right, let’s get into our positions,” Delin said after Kambil had closed the door and joined them. “Bron first, Kambil second, me third, Homin to Kambil’s right, Selendi to Kambil’s left.” Green writes this like they're doing some complicated choreography when they literally just need to do the most basic of a five person dance formation. Okay, second most basic, because the most basic is when all five people in the girl/boy/pop band form a V with someone at the point. quote:Kambil always found it amazing that the proper motivation was able to change a person completely, the proof of the contention now being right in front of his eyes. Bron and Selendi were totally different people, and Homin’s slow change of character had now strengthened and intensified. Hey, we're going to get some actually interesting reflection on– quote:But it was Kambil’s place to begin the exercise, so he put aside all extraneous thought and opened himself more widely to the power. quote:The inrush of strength was both familiar and necessary, allowing him to extend invisible arms to his groupmates without the delaying drag of fatigue. He touched them all at the same time, and then— After this hate read finishes, I'm going to do a word cloud/frequency chart across all eight books and put the top 100 on my "do not use these words in your prose, ever, if you want to actually write good" checklist for line edits. quote:And then was almost knocked over when all four of them responded immediately! Double lines of incredible strength held him to them and them to him, lines Kambil knew they were all aware of. And then the unexpected happened, when Homin also reached out to Selendi. Her instant touch in return spread to include the other two men, who also instantly returned the touch. And through her in some way, all three men linked up with each other! There was almost a burst of light, soundless and extremely brief, but enough to illuminate the fact that everyone was now linked to everyone else.  Which is possible because they all slept with Selendi. Except that if Kambil had no problems initiating all four links from the beginning, why wouldn't anybody else be able to initiate the same links since they are presumably using the exact same process to link back to him? Green's magic system makes no freaking sense. quote:*We’ve done it!* Delin’s “voice” came through the link, exultant with delight and pleasure. *We’ve Blended, even though they probably thought we couldn’t! So what do we do next?* Spoilers for this book sorry, nope, you guys haven't Blended either quote:*I don’t know,* Kambil admitted, aware of the way his frustrated annoyance reached the others immediately. *No one really knows how this works, so it’s impossible to say. Let’s make sure our ties are strong enough to return the next time, and then let it go.* Green: "My magic system literally tells people the only acceptable form of romantic and sexual relations is a cishet only polycule!" quote:“And then we’ll begin to be a force to be reckoned with,” Homin said, giving Selendi a quick, encouraging hug. “Tomorrow our … mentor should be pleasantly surprised.” Sigh. You know where this is going. Summary: Day 11 Meerk take Lorand and Tamrissa go to see Hat as a challenger to the Seated High in Earth magic. The whole contest is a sham. Lord Carmad Lestrin shows up to teach the protagonists how to Blend; the protagonists are very proud of themselves for hiding the signs of their own success. Tamrissa puts an end to all spying in the house by threatening to dob in anyone watching them since knowledge of Blending is highly classified. Another testing authority representative, Lord Twimmal, shows up to teach (badly) them to Blend. Jovvi finally figures out that they've all been drugged with Puredan to obey unknown orders. Meanwhile, Lord Idrian shows up to teach the nobles how to Blend, but only Kambil and Delin are up. After Delin besmirches Rigos' reputation some more, Selendi, Homin and Bron finally show up. We get a THIRD lecture of "how to Blend" and Selendi and Bron can't reach Kambil. The three late arrivals are dismissed, then Kambil and Delin are told to have sex with Selendi ASAP, because that will somehow enable all of their magical connections to go through both Selendi AND Kambil. Kambil spends the afternoon messing around with everybody's heads (except for Delin).By the end of Day 11, both groups have "Blended", though consistent with the "my protagonists are just so much more awesome than everybody else", Green's protagonists get it in one try while the nobles need a second attempt. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 43 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton, Carmad Lestrin (minor spoiler - sorry, you're not going to see him again) TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 21 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom, an ampitheatre MEALS ON-SCREEN: 28 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast, dinner), Day 11 (lunch, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 16 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x2), shared themselves/sharing (x2), exercise (x1), entering TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 17 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1), sweet lady (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 81 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 49 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 22 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 71 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 41 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 56 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 31 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 11 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 8 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 7, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: Apart from Delin acquiring the super pass phrase that is going to be dropped into the protagonists' literal laps shortly, I think the only purpose of the entire noble arc is to give us a benchmark for how much more awesome Green's protagonists are. Except she's using incompetent people as yardsticks, and also decided that recycling the same plot is a compelling way to do it. I literally can't understand why she hasn't just picked any of the real world tournament formats as her underlying plot structure. It is bizarre. She keeps holding off on a confrontation between the two sides in an attempt to build suspense (it doesn't, because I'm just seeing things play out TEN FREAKING TIMES NOW instead of FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE) and when we actually get there at the end of this book, it is a real letdown because the protagonists just wipe the floor with their opponents because they're the bestest and most powerful magic users ever!!! Seeing a group of characters wipe the floor with another bunch of characters can be fun. But it is not fun when the match up is overhyped to be some big, tense, nail biting showdown only to have it all be over in three seconds. Overpromise/underdeliver much?
|
|
#
?
Jul 5, 2021 15:42
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER TWENTY Green: "Now that I've blatantly explained the sex mechanic in the TWO previous chapters, let me write a THIRD chapter regarding the sex mechanic so I can show you my protagonists stumbling across it by chance!" quote:“That sounds almost ominous,” Tamma replied with brows high. “I hadn’t realized there were things they couldn’t know about.” Woah woah woah woah WOAH! I don't see anything sensible about this sex mechanic, for reasons already previously discussed. Jovvi, could you enlighten me as to WHY you think it is? quote:but it puts us into what might be considered a … an uncomfortable position.” Green: "I need my characters to be all angsty about this, but it literally doesn't make sense for Jovvi given her backstory and who she is supposed to be. So um. I'll just use my authorial powers to say that she still hates it anyway and she's being absurd about it, which is really me being absurd, but whatevs." quote:The fact that he and I are having difficulties must be causing it, but the reason for it doesn’t matter. If our Blending is to be as strong as possible, you and he have to lie together. Right now my main purpose in bringing up the matter is to ask if you’d rather lie with Vallant before I do.” Facts and Logic! quote:“Which may or may not make it easier for me to accept the necessity,” Tamma said with a nod, her gaze on the way her fingers twisted together. “It’s really strange, but touching the power isn’t helping me now at all. Which probably means that being attacked is easier to cope with than making this decision.” You guys are assuming that Vallant and Lorand are gonna be okay with this. Spoilers not-spoilers: it's not an inaccurate assumption to make, based on everything we've seen to date. But Green, so of course you know there's going to be a lot of drama about nothing. quote:She looked up then with a wry expression, and Jovvi found herself replying with the same sort of smile. What Tamma had said was absolutely true, about attack being easier to accept and cope with. Allestine’s trying to kidnap her hadn’t been half this upsetting… quote:“But I’m suddenly getting an idea,” Tamma said, alertness bringing her head up. “This could be a golden opportunity, and I almost didn’t see it. If Vallant lies with you first and then with me, his returning to me can only mean a true desire for involvement on his part. I know how marvelous you’ll be for him, so his coming back to me will speak more clearly than any words he may use.” Because this is a totally stupid line of reasoning! And it literally only works and is valid, because we've been in Vallant's POV and we KNOW that he doesn't care about Tamrissa as a person! quote:“It’s an excellent point, and I wish I had something like it.” Actually, he's the one who's all uppity about Jovvi having a career of her own because he's not cool with sex work. quote:“If only I hadn’t said what I did,” Jovvi responded with a sigh, feeling fractionally better. “When we can’t be sure any of us will survive, I was a fool to talk about a secure future. But we all have our needs and fears, and that happens to be mine. If I had yours instead, I probably wouldn’t have put my foot in it quite so deep.” You had perfectly valid points! This book is so toxic for women standing up for their own rights.quote:“You probably wouldn’t have put your foot in at all, or any other part of you, either,” Tamma said with a grin that was very unlike her usual self. Sexual innuendo from TAMRISSA? We were there when you and Rion and it was not the mind blowing life changing experience that Green wanted it to be.quote:“But if it makes you feel better, I’ll trade my problem for yours any day.” Oh look, she had a lightbulb moment at last and we're FINALLY picking up on something that happened back in Book 2! quote:“Jovvi, what’s wrong?” Tamma asked, obviously concerned over the way Jovvi’s words had broken off so abruptly. “You look … strange.” I fail to see how a High in Spirit magic would not have somehow stumbled across this ability before, especially when she hasn't been subject to all of the conditioning suppressing the common population in the Empire regarding the use of magical ability. Especially when you consider that the ability to control people using Spirit magic is not unique to Highs; Middles can do it too. quote:“It’s so unimportant, I can’t imagine why they would,” Tamma muttered, almost as stunned as Jovvi had been. “You told Allestine that leaving was impossible, and in spite of everything she obeyed you. The whole concept is so bizarre, that I can’t even imagine what you would use the ability for. Aside from making people your slaves, that is.” FORESHADOWING! From this point on, the theme of control becomes extremely literal.  quote:“That’s one thing I won’t be using it for,” Jovvi told her firmly, more determined about that than almost anything else in her life. “I’d rather die than make innocent people into slaves, people who would be helpless to stop me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This will come back up eventually in Book...8, I think, so I will give Green some credit for that. But she then handwaves it, so I have to take off points again. quote:But that idea you had just now, the one we discussed once before: you said people have trouble coping only with their own problems, not the problems of others. Assuming I got permission from Lorand and Vallant, what do you think would happen if I told each of them that they had the other’s problem?” Spoilers for Book 5: there are no complications whatsoever, despite this hype up. The plan goes off without a hitch, and Vallant and Lorand's struggles to overcome their claustrophia and fear of burnout respectively are completely eliminated, thus undermining all character growth in service of...I don't exactly know what, since all of the protagonists have already been established to be Mary Sues/Gary Stus. quote:“Once we get used to Blending, it might turn out to be totally unnecessary, You have no data to base this supposition on! quote:but they still ought to know. And one of us should tell Rion what’s going on.” Tamrissa just casually dropping the fact that she had already propositioned Lorand before, back at the palace, without Jovvi's knowledge. In front of Jovvi, who's just admitted that she hates the idea, for authorial reasons. There should be a bunch of character drama resulting from this! quote:“Only if there’s no opportunity to speak to Rion first,” Jovvi said, then shook her head with a faint smile. What is this even supposed to mean? Like, do you now believe Vallant that he wants nothing to do with Mirra, or are you saying you'd kill Mirra first? quote:Jovvi nodded and watched Tamma walk away, then checked for other watchers before making her own way back to the house. As involved and complicated as their previous days had been, Jovvi had the definite feeling that they hadn’t really seen anything yet. FORESHADOWING! For the stupid amount of relationship drama that's incoming in the next...ten chapters.  Summary: Day 11 Meerk take Lorand and Tamrissa go to see Hat as a challenger to the Seated High in Earth magic. The whole contest is a sham. Lord Carmad Lestrin shows up to teach the protagonists how to Blend; the protagonists are very proud of themselves for hiding the signs of their own success. Tamrissa puts an end to all spying in the house by threatening to dob in anyone watching them since knowledge of Blending is highly classified. Another testing authority representative, Lord Twimmal, shows up to teach (badly) them to Blend. Jovvi finally figures out that they've all been drugged with Puredan to obey unknown orders. Meanwhile, Lord Idrian shows up to teach the nobles how to Blend, but only Kambil and Delin are up. After Delin besmirches Rigos' reputation some more, Selendi, Homin and Bron finally show up. We get a THIRD lecture of "how to Blend" and Selendi and Bron can't reach Kambil. The three late arrivals are dismissed, then Kambil and Delin are told to have sex with Selendi ASAP, because that will somehow enable all of their magical connections to go through both Selendi AND Kambil. Kambil spends the afternoon messing around with everybody's heads (except for Delin).By the end of Day 11, both groups have "Blended", though consistent with the "my protagonists are just so much more awesome than everybody else", Green's protagonists get it in one try while the nobles need a second attempt. Jovvi and Tamrissa realize polycule shenanigans need to occur for magical strengthening reasons. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 43 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton, Carmad Lestrin (minor spoiler - sorry, you're not going to see him again) TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 21 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom, an ampitheatre MEALS ON-SCREEN: 28 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast, dinner), Day 11 (lunch, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 16 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x2), shared themselves/sharing (x2), exercise (x1), entering TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 17 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1), sweet lady (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 82 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 49 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 22 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 71 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 41 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 56 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 31 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 11 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 8 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 7, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: I don't understand why Green does everything backwards. Instead of laying clues and getting the protagonists to uncover a secret powerful magical technique that makes sense within her world building, she decides to dump two chapters of exposition on the mechanic and use a third chapter to have her protagonists stumble across it by accident. Instead of establishing character handicaps that need to be overcome in a way to show character development, she fixes it "with magic" so the problems become irrelevant to the characters and the plot.
|
|
#
?
Jul 11, 2021 15:08
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE Because she's thinking about Vallant. Get it? GET IT?? Remember how she said tears and Water magic go quite well together some....10 chapters ago or whatever? This is the height of Green's ability to do subtle callbacks to earlier material. quote:but for some reason it didn’t help to distract me. What I had to say to Lorand hung in my mind like a burning missive from the Highest Aspect, an unignorable command to rush headlong into desperate danger and unknowable jeopardy. I can't tell if Green's using this metaphor because she intended that flaming messages from their deity is a part of their mythology or because Tamrissa's aspect is Fire. It's probably neither, because Green quote:Which was just plain silly. I shook my skirt a little as I walked, trying to get rid of the beads of moisture I’d picked up outside, telling myself silently but firmly that I was being ridiculous. Lorand wasn’t a stranger off the street, after all, and Rion had shown me how pleasant lying with a man can be. On top of that it was necessary for our Blending, to make us the best we could possibly be. So why was I beginning to move so slowly, reluctant to peek into the library because Lorand might well be in there? Because one positive experience (since Green insists on portraying it as a positive experience ) doesn't cancel out a lifetime of sexual abuse and trauma?Tamrissa, you need to go see a Spirit magic healer, which SHOULD be a thing in this world, but isn't until like...Book 6 or 7, because Green. quote:One of the answers to my question was that I’d released all but the faintest touch on the power. My memories relating to men still weren’t the nicest it was possible to have, and the last thing I wanted to do was accidentally hurt Lorand if one of those memories got the better of me. The most confusing thing about Tamrissa's arc (such as it is) is her sudden transformation from "I was married to an abusive sadist for two years but didn't so much as singe his toes" to "my rage/terror is on a hair trigger and I'll burn anything to ashes". The only way it makes sense is if her dead husband was also a strong magic talent, but we'll discover nothing about Dom Domon (Green's stunning track record with names continues) other than he was an old rich dude with health issues who was abusive. quote:The fact that that brought me back to my usual cowardly self couldn’t be helped, except for the way I’d begun doing it: turning stubborn and refusing to back down. I'm trying to figure out if all of this blushing is Green trying to subvert gender norms by having her female leads take the initiative regarding sex but not wanting to go too far and therefore resulting in this inner dialogue. quote:The wonderfully mature adult that was me found it necessary to peek into the dining room before it became absolutely certain that she had to go upstairs. I’d caught a glimpse of Jovvi earlier, going directly upstairs, but when I reached the upper hall there was no sign of her. She wasn’t afraid to do what was necessary, I pointed out to myself sternly. She didn’t stand around hoping some catastrophe would happen so that she’d have to change her plans. You really shouldn't be comparing yourself to Jovvi at this point. In my opinion, Jovvi's about two books too late in her attempt to finally seduce Vallant. If Green wrote Jovvi consistently with her backstory and motivations, Jovvi would have ALREADY slept with Vallant and Rion long before she got together with Lorand. quote:The admonishment made me feel properly ashamed—until I remembered who she was being so efficient with. That very strange feeling flared in me again, the one I’d thought I’d gotten so well under control, the one I really couldn’t understand. I’d definitely decided to try to discourage anything deep from developing between Vallant and me so that he’d be safe, but the idea of him being with another woman made me feel—fluttery-bothered. There didn’t seem to be any other way to describe the combined physical and emotional reaction, but the words were so inadequate… Fluttery-bothered. That's what Green decided to go with for "jealousy". quote:I suddenly awoke to the fact that I’d knocked on Lorand’s bedchamber door. Part of me must have preferred the distraction of painful embarrassment to thinking about what would happen if Vallant discovered that he preferred Jovvi after all. The idea should have pleased me, especially since it was Jovvi rather than some strange woman I neither knew nor liked. But it didn’t please me, not in the least. I’d never really had Vallant as anything but someone to argue with, and it could very well turn out that I never would… quote:“Tamrissa?” I heard Lorand’s voice say. “Did you want something?” I should have started a count for how many times one character says to another character "let's sit down" before dropping some plot relevant details that we already know about. quote:He’d closed the door by then, so he nodded with a smile and returned to the chair that had a book near it on the adjacent table. Oh hey, would you look at that! Once is a fluke, but twice? I think that's deliberate character development! Lorand is a bookworm and Green didn't bash us over the head with that detail for once. It is literally the ONE character thing that I recall being shown, and not told. Here is actual proof that Green is capable of better writing! quote:I’d already taken the second chair, so as soon as he was settled I described Jovvi’s discovery of her talent to “tell” people things. Lorand listened with his brows high, and then he shook his head. My question is, if Spirit magic is not especially rare, then how the hell have you guys never run into anybody else with Spirit magic? This is just too plot convenient. quote:“It’s always possible the nobles don’t know about it either,” I pointed out. “Many of them seem to be as ignorant as we are, but at least the five of us are learning. And this new ability just may be the answer to another of our problems, but you and Vallant have to decide about that. You two are the ones most directly involved, but you have to remember that any experiment could make things worse rather than better.” ~500 words to recap something that we've already learned. This chapter is only ~2200 words long by the way, so we've spent almost a quarter of the word count on a recap of something that we literally just covered in the last chapter. I maintain my view that Green would have done really well serializing this on Wattpad or Royal Road (or I guess Kindle Vella). quote:“And you’re right, we do need to try that first. I just wish we didn’t have so long to wait until we’ll be able to do it. When you knocked I was in the midst of thinking about taking a nap, to make sure I don’t yawn in everyone’s face and mind tonight.” The trend of terrible transitions continues. quote:“I have a different suggestion,” I said, getting the words out before I could lose my nerve. “Do you remember agreeing to lie with me? Well, I thought that now would be a good time, because…” He just said he has nothing better to do, other than to sleep. quote:“No, listen to me,” he interrupted again much more gently, leaving his chair to crouch in front of mine before taking my hand. “Your face and voice say you think I’m rejecting you, but that couldn’t possibly be farther from the truth. You’re a very beautiful, very desirable woman and I feel honored that you would consider lying with me, but I agreed to your request before I had that talk with Vallant. Now that I have, everything’s changed.” Here, have some mansplaining! quote:I nodded because that was what he clearly wanted me to do, not because I knew what was happening. Or why Lorand had suddenly turned so strange… Now have some female protagonist pretending to be an enlightened feminist, because the authorial intent here is to highlight the bad mansplaining and the correspondingly bad explanation of the "bros before hos" value statement! quote:“Men seem to have a … different way of looking at things than women do,” he began slowly and haltingly. “I suppose I’ve always known that, but being here with you and Jovvi has really brought the point home. The difference we’re discussing now is the one about a man and a woman lying together when another man has … involved himself with caring deeply about the woman. If a man knows that another man feels that way, he’d be a cad and worse to lie with the woman anyway. Are you following me?” Legit can't tell if I'm meant to be taking Tamrissa seriously or if she's suddenly developed a dry wit. quote:“Still not following me,” he muttered, apparently fighting not to become even more upset. “All right, look, I’m just going to say it straight out, without giving you any detailed explanations. If you still don’t understand, you’ll simply have to take my word for it. Tamrissa, I would love to lie with you, but if I do it will cause Vallant a lot of pain. He’s as crazy about you as I am about Jovvi, and your lying with me instead of him will hurt him very much. It may not make sense to you, but you have my word that it’s the truth.” I hate this whole conversation. How sheltered is Tamrissa that she NEVER managed to pick up this idea of gender norms? If Green had bothered to do her world building, I might believe that this is Lorand's Widdertown mores coming into conflict with cosmopolitan Gan Garee, except she didn't so I know that she's using real world gender norms from the 1990s as her frame of reference. quote:For an instant I didn’t understand, but then I remembered how the idea of Jovvi lying with Vallant made me feel. It wasn’t what I consider pain, but hurt was a fairly good description. The idea hurt me, in a way that had never happened before. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suPlYwJ3YvM quote:His attention drifted off at the same time his words did, and I made no effort to call him back. Very frankly, I was too busy thinking about Jovvi and Vallant. I was sure she’d had better luck than I, but what I wasn’t sure about was how I felt about it. Even my sense of language was becoming tangled, confronted as it was by the picture of Jovvi and Vallant together. I wanted Jovvi to be successful, but I didn’t want her to succeed. But she had to succeed … even though I didn’t want her to… I bet Green put the sex mechanic in so she could tie in her convoluted romance plots into the main plot and for no other reason. Probably pitched the book to her agent/publisher as "epic magical fantasy adventure" and then turned in a first draft where 80% of the page count is relationship drama.Green's editor - I thought this was supposed to be a magical tournament to decide the next rulers of the Empire?Green  - It is! - But you've written 200 pages on Vallant and Tamrissa not being able to act like adults? - No, no, you see, all of this is important for dramatic tension! - I fail to see how this is relevant to the overall– - *turns pages in the manuscript until we hit the first draft of chapter 20* - ...oh. *checks publication deadline and panics* - Righty-o, carry on.Summary: Day 11 Meerk take Lorand and Tamrissa go to see Hat as a challenger to the Seated High in Earth magic. The whole contest is a sham. Lord Carmad Lestrin shows up to teach the protagonists how to Blend; the protagonists are very proud of themselves for hiding the signs of their own success. Tamrissa puts an end to all spying in the house by threatening to dob in anyone watching them since knowledge of Blending is highly classified. Another testing authority representative, Lord Twimmal, shows up to teach (badly) them to Blend. Jovvi finally figures out that they've all been drugged with Puredan to obey unknown orders. Meanwhile, Lord Idrian shows up to teach the nobles how to Blend, but only Kambil and Delin are up. After Delin besmirches Rigos' reputation some more, Selendi, Homin and Bron finally show up. We get a THIRD lecture of "how to Blend" and Selendi and Bron can't reach Kambil. The three late arrivals are dismissed, then Kambil and Delin are told to have sex with Selendi ASAP, because that will somehow enable all of their magical connections to go through both Selendi AND Kambil. Kambil spends the afternoon messing around with everybody's heads (except for Delin).By the end of Day 11, both groups have "Blended", though consistent with the "my protagonists are just so much more awesome than everybody else", Green's protagonists get it in one try while the nobles need a second attempt. Jovvi and Tamrissa realize polycule shenanigans need to occur for magical strengthening reasons. Tamrissa fails to seduce Lorand because "bros before hos". Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 43 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton, Carmad Lestrin (minor spoiler - sorry, you're not going to see him again) TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 21 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom, an ampitheatre MEALS ON-SCREEN: 28 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast, dinner), Day 11 (lunch, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 16 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x2), shared themselves/sharing (x2), exercise (x1), entering TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 17 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1), sweet lady (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 82 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 49 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 22 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 71 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 42 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 56 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 31 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 11 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 8 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 7, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: I don't have any good fixes for this and the next nine chapters, because the sex mechanic is just beyond me to fix. On the one hand, this is one of the more enjoyable sequences in this book, because the protagonists actually a) have conflict as a group and b) do stuff! On the other hand, it is also one of the most agonizingly horrible sequences to read, because not-spoilers the conflict will consist of yelling things at each other, getting nowhere, plainly stating the fact they are getting nowhere, and then the argument will be resolved by someone wielding Facts and Logic, and there will be no real consequences to speak of as a result (other than a really, really, incredibly STUPID and contrived occurrence that I will go on a massive rant about when we get to that point). Leng fucked around with this message at 12:51 on Jul 18, 2021 |
|
#
?
Jul 18, 2021 12:49
|
|
|
I always kind of assumed that Dom Domon was a Spirit talent and while he couldn't actually control Tamrissa, he could give her a strong aversion to violence. Anything makes more sense than what we're presented with.
|
|
#
?
Jul 22, 2021 00:05
|
|
|
Liquid Communism posted:I always kind of assumed that Dom Domon was a Spirit talent and while he couldn't actually control Tamrissa, he could give her a strong aversion to violence. Anything makes more sense than what we're presented with. And would be consistent with the fields of emotion that Green established for Jovvi's qualifying exercises! Any other author, and I would say that this is probably in their notes for the backstories of various characters. Since this is Green, I'm actually surprised that it's possible to conjure up an explanation to plaster over this plot hole that makes sense with her inconsistent world building. At any rate, your assumption is now also my headcanon.
|
|
#
?
Jul 23, 2021 08:12
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO And now we get to read about the exact same conversation with names replaced and details slightly adjusted. quote:Jovvi saw Tamma dawdling around, but she went upstairs rather than stopping to encourage the girl. The horde of servants trying to watch them were out of sight, but not quite out of hearing range. Any casually exchanged words would be overheard, and if they weren’t properly argumentative… Better to just let things be, and allow Tamma to work them out for herself. This bizarre 180 in Jovvi's characterization continues to bug me. There's absolutely ZERO reason for it, other than Green using it as an excuse to show how she's become extremely attached to Lorand because of Green's railroading her romantic relationships. quote:Jovvi quickly knocked on Vallant’s door, before her rampaging thoughts took her to Lorand’s door instead. In an alternate universe, Green wrote a super awkward threesome scene in this chapter instead. quote:He answered sooner than he might have, as he’d been up on his feet rather than sitting or lying down. Now I wanna know what was going through Vallant's mind that he would go from "pleasant surprise" to "what's wrong?" in a blink. quote:“Not really,” she replied with the best smile possible as she accepted his wordless invitation to enter. “There are some things we need to talk about, and there’s a decision you’ll have to make.” Take a shot every time Green can't figure out how to transition her dialogue and resorts to a tea reference. quote:“There’s always a second cup when you ask for an individual tea service,” Jovvi grumbled as she joined him in walking to the tray. “Is that a command not to drink alone, do you think, or a snide slap to tell us they know we never do? I’ve been wondering ever since I got to this house.” I was gonna take points off for the continued fixation on tea, but... quote:“It’s probably for use in case your first cup gets too clogged with tea leaves,” Vallant answered, doing an excellent job of hiding his surprise. ...this is the closest we're gonna get to having Green reveal stuff about her characters without shoving it in our faces. Jovvi is actually CONSISTENT in her paranoia and Vallant is also consistent in being eminently practical.quote:“In any event, I’ll wash your cup after you leave, since these days I ought to be drinkin’ alone. Are you sure nothin’ is wrong?” What are the odds that Vallant always got stuck with dishwashing duty on the Sea Queen? quote:“What I’m sure about is that the testing authority used the wrong thing to ruin my balance,” Jovvi answered ruefully, his continuing calm helping her to find her lost control. He's asked you "what's wrong?" TWICE. That doesn't indicate continuing calm to me. quote:“If they’d wanted to do a really effective job, they should have used the topic I’ve found. But that’s beside the point. What isn’t is Allestine’s trial, which you were there for. Did anything about it strike you as really odd, more than the rest of it?” Our THIRD recap of this event aside, the weirdness of nobody knowing what Spirit magic is capable of continues. Tamrissa has never heard of it; fine, she's led a sheltered life despite living in the capitol. But Vallant is supposed to be the most well traveled of them all and he's never heard of it either. Meaning as of this book, nobody in this Empire has worked out Spirit magic, including all of the commoner with Spirit magic. these plotholes quote:“Someone has to know about it, but clearly not someone who’s in the habit of sharing information.” Jovvi was annoyed at that, but brushed the emotion aside. “And if that wasn’t revelation enough, Tamma and I have once or twice thrown an idea around that now seems possible rather than ridiculous. She and I agreed that solving and handling other people’s problems is always easier than coping with your own. Do you agree with that?” Twice. Because I've been counting, since there are so many repetitive things in these books. quote:“Certainly,” Vallant granted at once. “Problems are always easier to handle when you’re not emotionally involved. So where is that leadin’ us?” Woah...is this...this is an attempt at being subtle about the theme? I mean, it's still pretty on the nose as far as I'm concerned, but at least it happened in internal narration and we didn't have a character voicing the author's opinion out loud as their own! quote:“I remember how beautiful the day was,” Vallant continued, drawing Jovvi out of her own thoughts. “Hot almost to sweatin’, but not in the water. That was just perfect, cool and refreshin’ and all-around delightful. I’d grown up swimmin’ in those waters, and felt more at home in them than in our back garden.” In the middle of what is a rather tragic flashback for Vallant (and handled way better than Lorand's memory of burnout), I'm pulled out of it by bad prose, because now I'm unclear whether Jovvi's just empathizing like any normal human being would do, or whether Vallant's actually reliving those emotions and Jovvi's picking up on it via her talent. Kind of an important distinction here! quote:“And you weren’t able to move it?” Sooo...Vallant IS reliving it? Or is he not? We're in the POV of somebody with Spirit magic so she can LITERALLY READ HIS MIND AND EMOTIONS and yet the narration we're getting is no different to any other character without Spirit magic. quote:“I was only a boy, after all, and even usin’ Water magic just made the boulder quiver some. I was trapped, with no way of tellin’ anybody where I was. And then, after some time passed, the tide started comin’ in. The cave began to fill slowly with water, on its way to makin’ more marks on the walls and ceilin’. And there wasn’t as much fresh air for breathin’ as there’d been to start with…” Jovvi is a horribly unempathetic person. Based on this dialogue, I'm concluding she's actually picking up on Vallant's PTSD, yet SHE'S gonna go all "I feel horrible; tell me how you survived so I can stop feeling terrible" on him? I think I actually feel sorry for Vallant now. Which is a first. In like three books. quote:“No, it turned out to be my younger brother who saved me,” he replied with a wan smile. “He knew what I was plannin’ to do, but he didn’t say a word until I didn’t show up for dinner. That was when he told Daddy all about it, and Daddy and my older brothers came rushin’ back to search for me. They brought underwater flares, which was lucky. My lantern had gone out, and there were so many caves they didn’t know where to start lookin’. But I caught a glimpse of one of the flares, and used my ability to start a whirlpool in front of the cave I was trapped in. They got the boulder moved, and I was finally able to get out.” OMFG. I hate these sexist stereotypes so much. And this series is littered with them. quote:“You, my poor, dumb man, will have to wait for your explanation until I get the thing figured out so that my superior self can understand it first.” Jovvi chuckled as she said that, knowing that Vallant had been gently teasing her. Self confidence was no part of his problem, and the only thing he felt threatened by was small, tight spaces. And here's that sledgehammer again. Ow. quote:“In the meanwhile, we can put off that decision I told you earlier that you would have to make. In its place I’ll need a different decision from you—assuming you’re amenable to the suggestion.” Prepare for Green at her feminist best! quote:“It pains me to say it, love, but I won’t be doin’ that,” he told her, the decision firm and unshakable. “You’ve come to mean a lot to me, but I won’t take the chance of hurtin’ Tamrissa again and maybe drivin’ her away permanently. Besides, I know how Lorand feels about you, and that no matter what he said. If he found out that you and I were lyin’ together, he’d be hurt for sure.” quote:“I’m not in the habit of accepting silliness,” Jovvi said, suddenly rising to her feet. “If Lorand is indulging in the same thing the way you claim he is, Tamma and I need to give you both a good talking to. Right now, so I’ll appreciate it if you come along.” Book 8 spoilers there is no way that you're gonna convince me this is anything OTHER than Carmad et al pulling strings from behind the scenes though I know the real reason is Green just couldn't be bothered trying to think of a way to write characters consistently. quote:As she opened the door, she realized that she was supposed to have spoken to Rion first, only she’d forgotten. Ah well, he’d probably hear the small war she was about to start, and would certainly come running… Bring on the drama. Summary: Day 11 Meerk take Lorand and Tamrissa go to see Hat as a challenger to the Seated High in Earth magic. The whole contest is a sham. Lord Carmad Lestrin shows up to teach the protagonists how to Blend; the protagonists are very proud of themselves for hiding the signs of their own success. Tamrissa puts an end to all spying in the house by threatening to dob in anyone watching them since knowledge of Blending is highly classified. Another testing authority representative, Lord Twimmal, shows up to teach (badly) them to Blend. Jovvi finally figures out that they've all been drugged with Puredan to obey unknown orders. Meanwhile, Lord Idrian shows up to teach the nobles how to Blend, but only Kambil and Delin are up. After Delin besmirches Rigos' reputation some more, Selendi, Homin and Bron finally show up. We get a THIRD lecture of "how to Blend" and Selendi and Bron can't reach Kambil. The three late arrivals are dismissed, then Kambil and Delin are told to have sex with Selendi ASAP, because that will somehow enable all of their magical connections to go through both Selendi AND Kambil. Kambil spends the afternoon messing around with everybody's heads (except for Delin).By the end of Day 11, both groups have "Blended", though consistent with the "my protagonists are just so much more awesome than everybody else", Green's protagonists get it in one try while the nobles need a second attempt. Jovvi and Tamrissa realize polycule shenanigans need to occur for magical strengthening reasons. Tamrissa and Jovvi fail to seduce Lorand and Vallant respectively, because "bros before hos". Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 43 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton, Carmad Lestrin (minor spoiler - sorry, you're not going to see him again) TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 21 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom, an ampitheatre MEALS ON-SCREEN: 28 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast, dinner), Day 11 (lunch, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 16 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x2), shared themselves/sharing (x2), exercise (x1), entering TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 17 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1), sweet lady (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 83 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 49 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 23 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 71 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 43 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 57 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 31 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 11 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 8 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 7, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: I suspect Green may have plotted these books according to dice rolls. Roll 2d5 to determine who propositions who in the next chapter! Then roll 1d6 to determine whether the character being propositioned makes a save against their baser instincts in favor of outdated gender stereotypes!
|
|
#
?
Jul 24, 2021 12:41
|
|
|
Every time the whole polycule bit comes up I think about what a waste it is that Greennis so laser focused on het romance. Imagine how much more hilariously awkward you could make things if Rion were bi.
|
|
#
?
Jul 27, 2021 06:57
|
|
|
Liquid Communism posted:Every time the whole polycule bit comes up I think about what a waste it is that Greennis so laser focused on het romance. Rion, strolling around, propositioning anybody and everybody would definitely make these books 500% more entertaining. In fact, I think from now on I am going to mentally find "tea" and replace with "sex" for all Rion POV chapters. Leng fucked around with this message at 13:09 on Jul 31, 2021 |
|
#
?
Jul 31, 2021 11:58
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE I think reading a POV's character descent into madness could be interesting if it was done well. It is not done well here. Delin's POVs are now officially insane. quote:Delin’s horse shifted restlessly, and he patted it to let it know that it would indeed be allowed to return to its stall and its sleep in just a short while. But he has Earth magic? Why is he just using a mundane pat?quote:Most of those back at the residence had been either ready for bed or already asleep when Delin had left, especially Kambil. The Spirit magic user had really produced results, making Delin wonder if he hadn’t misjudged Kambil. He still disliked the man to a certain extent, but dislike can be overlooked in the presence of gratifying results. You bet Kambil's been producing results alright! quote:Even if the basic reason for the results is frightening beyond ordinary comprehension. Delin felt the clutch of terror again, just as he had when he and the others came face to face with the truth: they were all doomed if they didn’t win the competitions. They would not be simply separated, or even exiled to various remote parts of the empire. At best they would be killed out of hand, at worst they would have their memories destroyed, their selves wiped out before they were put to lifelong menial labor. Green: "I am duly reminding you that the stakes in this story are high. Very high. So super high. You know there are high stakes right?" quote:It continued to be hard for Delin to believe that he could be treated so, but that didn’t mean he disbelieved. It was absolutely typical of the way the powerless and socially unacceptable were treated, which two categories he and the others certainly fell into. It was their fathers who were too well situated to be brushed aside, but their fathers had stepped out of the way so that the Advisors might do as they pleased. Another thing hardly unexpected, but a shock nonetheless. I can't tell if I'm meant to sympathise with Delin here or hate him. quote:But shock tends to fade and behind it rage flows in, hot and burning and demanding the soothing of revenge. It was almost laughable that they’d all underestimated him so badly, actually thinking he would stand still and let himself be erased. That wasn’t going to happen, and when he took the Fivefold Throne they would all learn the truth the hard and painful way. The Advisors were talentless nothings who manipulated the empire through their various weak-willed Blendings, a situation that was about to come to an abrupt halt. At this point, I'm totally unclear what is stopping these guys from just carving their way through the Advisors. Like Delin is a literal psychopath. With Earth magic. He could go forth and assassinate all of the Advisors right now, including the present Seated Blending. This is never explained convincingly by Green. Trudi Canavan did it better, with The Magician's Guild (the standalone prequel, where there was a transition from a mage-ruled kingdom to one ruled by somebody without magic) and then showing it in The Black Magician trilogy. quote:Delin was caught up in his thoughts, but not so deeply that he failed to see the lamp which had appeared at the recently darkened window. The lamp was moved back and forth three times before it receded again to restore the darkness, the signal Delin had been waiting for. He patted his horse again before dismounting, tied his reins to a tree, then headed for the house on foot. Oh, an assignation! Look at Green doing sexposition before HBO made it a thing. quote:“He’s already snoring,” Relana said after the kiss ended, apparently having shared his thoughts about her husband. “Would you like to make love to me again in the room right next to his?” So then you guys could have just done it in the hallway then? Again...DELIN HAS EARTH MAGIC! Which includes the power to magically induce sleep! There is zero risk in this encounter. quote:“All in good time, my lovely,” Delin replied with a soft laugh. “I’ve never failed you yet, I think, nor do I plan to. But before we get to the main reason for my visit, I believe you have things to tell me?” If Kilia's guest list includes everyone, why was Delin not invited? Evidently forced isolation is not a thing, seeing as everybody who's in competing Blending is running around as they please without any security. Why doesn't any of the politics here make sense? Oh, I know, because Green didn't bother thinking about it! quote:Delin nodded his encouragement as his left hand slid to the opening in the top of her wrap. He’d run into Relana the night before when he’d gone out to dinner, and she’d mentioned intending to go to Kilia’s latest late night party. He’d bemoaned the fact that he was unable to attend himself, ...why?! You weren't **checks summary to date** doing anything important the previous night! In fact, you guys were literally sitting around on your asses waiting to be taught how to Blend! quote:and she’d promised to tell him about everything that had happened when she saw him tonight. It wasn’t the first time he’d asked that, so she suspected nothing—including the fact that it was Delin’s hasty and anonymous note to Ollon which had brought him to the party. ...sooooo why didn't this scene start THIS way instead of the awkward rear end dialogue transition? quote:“My dear, you would never believe how strange those two have grown since Elfini’s death,” Relana continued, her smile appearing as she pretended to feel nothing of his hand on her breast. “To see Ollon, one would think Elfini had been the love of his life rather than simply his sister. And Rigos tells just everyone how thoroughly he was cleared of guilt in the murder, as though anyone would risk angering his father by speaking up in disbelief.” I have trouble believing that Delin, of all people, would try to pretend humility and contrition. quote:“Well, as I said, we were all surprised when Ollon appeared,” she went on. “We thought he had finally come to his senses and was prepared to enjoy the party, but he ignored everyone and marched straight over to Rigos. And he looked absolutely awful, wearing rumpled clothing and needing a shave, just like a commoner. He’s also lost weight and doesn’t seem to have slept much, and the alcohol on his breath is enough to make one ill.” This is officially the WORST foreplay scene in all eight books. I'm pretty sure. If there is something worse than this, then I've blanked it out of my memory. quote:“He strolled in as usual when he arrived, but something that was part of the usual seemed to be missing. When Ollon appeared in front of him, he blanched and actually looked close to fainting. By then there wasn’t a sound in the entire room, so everyone was able to hear every word of their exchange.” I can't believe Green's editor let her keep the following section. quote:“Are you enjoying the party?” Ollon asked him in a very flat, emotionless voice. “Elfini loved to attend parties, and probably would have been here tonight. Except that she can’t be here because she’s dead.” Imagine a middle aged woman in a wrap delivering the above four paragraphs during incredibly awkward foreplay. quote:“My goodness, I am sorry I missed it,” Delin murmured, shifting a bit himself so that her meager but nicely wielded Air magic might stroke his privates in the proper way. quote:“It must have simply made Lady Kilia’s party. After all that, surely nothing else of any interest happened?” Like, I don't disagree with the sentiment here, because being listened to is actually hot. But this is both a super awkward transition within a very bad sex scene and it's just hilariously bad. quote:“Any man who refuses to listen to your lovely voice is a fool,” Delin assured her, exultation adding to his own arousal. Does Earth magic mean you don't need Viagra? quote:He would have given almost anything if he could have seen Rigos groveling on the ground, begging for a belief that would never be granted him. Delin’s anonymous note to Lord Ollon had pointed out how easily a guilty man might be exonerated, and the accusation had sent Ollon to confront his sister’s murderer. You weren't doing anything last night, so you could, in fact, have gone in person to witness this! quote:But that wasn’t quite enough. It made a marvelous basis for what had to happen next, but in and of itself it was largely innocuous. Rigos was beaten down but not totally crushed, and that’s what he had to be: totally crushed. Delin’s father had pointed Rigos out too often as the better man for Delin to be satisfied with anything less. As though having secured an appointment really made Rigos the better man. Delin would show them, he’d show them all… If only Rigos was a character who did stuff that actually mattered to the plot! quote:“Oh, my dear!” Relana moaned, and Delin returned to an awareness of her to discover that his fingers had clamped tight to her nipple. Green: "It's been way too long since we've had any BDSM in an antagonist chapter! They do BDSM so you know they're the bad guys!" quote:His right hand also pinched her tender womanflesh, AHAHAHHAAHAHAHA how did this get past a copy editor? Does anyone want to try and guess which part of the female anatomy this euphemism is actually referring to?quote:and surprisingly her response was faster and stronger than usual. Relana, it seemed, enjoyed being given pain, a key to her inner being which had eluded him until now. She’d enjoyed lying with him, but tended to enjoy each of her lovers right up until the time she told them not to bother coming back. If you've ever wondered about whether or not any of her other works are better, they are not. All of them (at least the ones I've read anyway) can be reduced to these three paragraphs. quote:“That decision is mine, not yours,” Delin told her softly but coldly, overriding the urge to tighten his grip. “You will be punished in the manner I choose, with what level of severity I decide on. Go now and fetch a leather strap, as well as a cloth to stuff in your mouth. It would be a pity if we were interrupted because you made too much noise.”  quote:“No, don’t sit down again,” Delin ordered easily. “Give me the strop, put the cloth in your mouth, and then remove that wrap.” I have not read Fifty Shades of Grey because I'm waiting for chitoryu12 to finish the current Twilight Let's Read. But I am pretty sure that even Fifty Shades of Grey is better written than this. quote:She nodded spasmodically, then jumped at the first stroke of the strop. The heavy leather left a beautiful band of red behind it, and after another four strokes the red band had covered her entire bottom. Green: "Let's put in loads of incorrectly done BDSM!" Also Green: "There's no way I can use the word 'rear end' because I am a refined lady of good taste, so I'll have my male POV character use the word 'bottom' instead, like a ten year old kid." quote:That was when she really began to squirm and tried to protect herself with her right hand, but Delin captured the hand in his own left and continued with the punishment. In point of truth it should have been her back that he strapped, giving her what all women deserved, but first he needed to establish his dominance over her. Once he had he would find it possible to do anything he pleased to her, just as he did with the sluts in the pleasure parlors. Also also Green: "But the word 'slut' is just fine and dandy!" quote:The woman writhed and whimpered and squirmed every time the strop cracked across her blazing red bottom, a clear signal of just how deeply in need she was. If he entered her now she would explode like a volcano, Delin knew, but that wasn’t going to be happening yet. Are there volcanoes in this world? Is Delin basing his prediction of Relana's ETA to orgasm off his Earth magic or what? quote:He had something else to do once he left Relana, but that appointment was hours away. He would stay there and amuse himself with a slut until it was time to leave, a stroke of luck he hadn’t been counting on. Relana usually eased him out the door once he had satisfied her… I have a hard time believing Delin is the kind of guy who looks to satisfy anyone other than himself. quote:Delin chuckled to himself as he applied yet another “stroke of luck,” OMFG really? quote:enjoying himself quite a bit. But not as much as he would enjoy himself later, after he left the woman. Yes, that was what he really looked forward to, the ultimate delight which would settle his problems with Rigos permanently… We don't care about your beef with Rigos! Summary: Day 11 Meerk take Lorand and Tamrissa go to see Hat as a challenger to the Seated High in Earth magic. The whole contest is a sham. Lord Carmad Lestrin shows up to teach the protagonists how to Blend; the protagonists are very proud of themselves for hiding the signs of their own success. Tamrissa puts an end to all spying in the house by threatening to dob in anyone watching them since knowledge of Blending is highly classified. Another testing authority representative, Lord Twimmal, shows up to teach (badly) them to Blend. Jovvi finally figures out that they've all been drugged with Puredan to obey unknown orders. Meanwhile, Lord Idian shows up to teach the nobles how to Blend, but only Kambil and Delin are up. After Delin besmirches Rigos' reputation some more, Selendi, Homin and Bron finally show up. We get a THIRD lecture of "how to Blend" and Selendi and Bron can't reach Kambil. The three late arrivals are dismissed, then Kambil and Delin are told to have sex with Selendi ASAP, because that will somehow enable all of their magical connections to go through both Selendi AND Kambil. Kambil spends the afternoon messing around with everybody's heads (except for Delin). Delin has an assignation with a random MILF who is his source of intel for noble society gossip. The intel he gathers is related to his personal vendetta against Rigos which is utterly insignificant to the plot and delivered awkwardly via the worst sex scene in all eight books (which is really saying something).By the end of Day 11, both groups have "Blended", though consistent with the "my protagonists are just so much more awesome than everybody else", Green's protagonists get it in one try while the nobles need a second attempt. Jovvi and Tamrissa realize polycule shenanigans need to occur for magical strengthening reasons. Tamrissa and Jovvi fail to seduce Lorand and Vallant respectively, because "bros before hos". Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 44 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton, Carmad Lestrin (minor spoiler - sorry, you're not going to see him again), Relana TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 22 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom, an ampitheatre, Relana's house MEALS ON-SCREEN: 28 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast, dinner), Day 11 (lunch, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 18 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x), his privates (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1), womanflesh Sex acts: merged (x2), shared themselves/sharing (x2), exercise (x1), entering TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 17 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1), sweet lady (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 86 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 49 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 23 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 73 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 44 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 57 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 31 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 11 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 8 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 8, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: You know what? I do have a fix! And that is to cut out ALL of the noble POVs! That would reduce the bloat in this book by half! Green could have actually sold more books if she split out all of the noble POVs into their own parallel
|
|
#
?
Jul 31, 2021 13:09
|
|
|
STROKE OF LUCK i'm ded
|
|
#
?
Jul 31, 2021 14:56
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR Is Delin...is he actually NICE to animals? I don't know whether to give Green points for some characterization here, or whether I should be dubious that it was deliberate characterization because it could just be as shallow as "Delin has Earth magic and therefore all Earth magic people can talk to animals and therefore like animals". quote:He himself needed to be up early in the morning, so the additional stop couldn’t be anything but short. For yet another "Will it Blend?" session. Yawn. quote:Which was a real shame, Delin thought with regret as he moved through the stillness of the night. It would have been pleasant to take as much time as he had with Relana, but morning was only a few hours away. He had to be asleep in his bed at the residence before then, and yet he also needed to do a good, thorough job. Well if you had spent LESS time with Relana... quote:Pleasure was the only thing available to be sacrificed, at least extended pleasure was. Just seeing to the chore would be pleasant in itself, that and a consideration of the results which would obtain. Somebody tell Green that "chore" and "pleasant" by definition are usually antonyms in this context. quote:The stillness all around worked to remind Delin not to whistle, and the height of his good mood needed that reminder. Spoilers for the rest of this chapter, in case you haven't guessed it already: Delin is on his way to murder Ollon Kapmar and this is the point at which Green stops trying to write any competent antagonists whatsoever because literally everything Delin does from this point on is stupid and not thought through at all. quote:Relana was well on the way to being entirely under his control, his worst enemy would soon be in a position from which no one would be able to save him, and his group had already managed to Blend. Life had changed from a living nightmare to a living dream, and he didn’t even mind having had to be careful not to cause Relana any lasting damage. I'm still not really sure what Green's intent was in having so many Delin POVs. We don't really need his POVs for thematic purposes, especially when it lacks so much nuance. quote:There had to be a way to keep things working well, and if so, he meant to find it. quote:It was a fairly long ride to his destination, but once again his previous preparation stood him in good stead. He’d made it his business to learn where every powerful man in the government lived, and Ollon Kapmar was certainly no exception. With Lord Ollon being as deeply involved in the competitions as he was, his house was one of the first Delin had learned about. I don't understand the world building here. How is this a secret? I don't read much regency stuff but my general impression was if you're wealthy and noble enough, everybody knows where you live because you live on estates that are handed down the line of inheritance because that is the source of your wealth. And usually in those places, there's one massive manor screaming "HERE'S WHERE THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE LIVE" and then the important people usually also have the most expensive set of rooms. quote:The man was more involved with the peasants than with anyone of decent social standing, but oddly enough that seemed to increase his importance rather than lessen it. Subtle as a hammer to the face. Considering the author, I guess this is as subtle as she can write a character to be. quote:Lord Ollon’s house looked as dark as any other from a distance, but once Delin had reached it he was able to see lamplight coming from one of the side windows. It was actually a terrace door which spilled faint light out into the inky darkness, with what looked to be a private garden surrounding it on the outside. Deep shadow suggested a hedge separating it from the area at the front of the house, and Delin realized that it could well be Lord Ollon’s study. Things get a little weird from here. quote:He would step up to the door, look inside to be certain that Lord Ollon was alone, and then he would open the door and enter. Delin is fantasizing the lines out of the worst play ever written in the Blendingverse! quote:Lord Ollon’s obsession would then send him into a rage, and he would rise and throw himself at Delin in attack. But Delin would be expecting that, of course, and would paralyze the man in mid-motion. Then he would stroll behind the helplessly raging fool, slip the knotted cord he’d brought along around the man’s neck, and strangle him to death. Just at the end he would release the man from paralysis so that he might be properly positioned near his desk. With Rigos being as small as he was, it would have to seem that he caught Lord Ollon unawares from behind. Then he would remove all traces of himself from the room and substitute traces of Rigos, and the thing would be done. Green really should have done this entire subplot from the POV of the investigators. It would be way more interesting than reading about it from Delin's POV. quote:Delin blinked back to awareness to realize that he’d reached the terrace doors, and now simply stood staring. He really had to do something about these episodes he kept going through, these times of blacking out without realizing it. Dun dun dun! Spoilers for Book 4: Kambil HAS been messing with Delin's head too! I have to kind of give Green points here, because this was well done, but on the other hand, I have to also take points off because Delin's so messed up generally that you can't really pick up the fact that whole sequence was a Spirit magic thing except on a reread. quote:Once he and the others had won the Throne, he’d have to find a physician strong enough to do him some good. But as for right now, an important chore was waiting. How did this make it past a copyeditor? That does not read correctly to me. quote:Stepping closer to the door let him peer inside, and immediate disappointment stabbed at him. Lord Ollon wasn’t seated at his desk, although it was the lamp on the desk which was lit. Had the man gone to bed after having forgotten to turn down the lamp, or had he simply gone to relieve a call of nature? It made a big difference in what Delin himself would do, so he had to— We really need more backstory about Delin's episodes in the past, not just the current Book 4 spoilers Kambil induced ones. quote:Extreme disgust filled Delin as he realized that that was precisely what it must be. He hadn’t daydreamed the exchange with Lord Ollon, it had really happened. His initial confusion lay in believing he hadn’t yet done the deed, but obviously he had. He was even able to see the ends of the knotted cord now, dangling down the back of the corpse. And corpse it was, something he could tell even from where he stood. What? Lorand could sense where people and animals when he's standing in Tamrissa's garden but Delin makes this remark about being able to sense whether Ollon is a corpse or not when he's literally standing outside the door which should make it not a difficult thing? I think Green forgot how Earth magic works here. quote:“Which means I won’t go back in and ruin my previous work,” Delin muttered, a decision he would be firm on despite his really wanting to get closer to his handiwork. quote:Better to simply leave now, and practice looking surprised when someone eventually told him about the murder. In a world, where Puredan and Spirit magic exists, I do not understand how things like murders would be this easily concealed. quote:And about Rigos’s arrest, of course. This time even Rigos’s father would be helpless to do anything to save his son. If only we cared about Rigos. quote:But as Delin made his way back to his horse, he became even more determined to do something about his problem. After all, how many people did one have to murder before one was allowed the pleasure of actually experiencing the act…? Imagine going to a psych and opening with this. Summary: Day 11 Meerk take Lorand and Tamrissa go to see Hat as a challenger to the Seated High in Earth magic. The whole contest is a sham. Lord Carmad Lestrin shows up to teach the protagonists how to Blend; the protagonists are very proud of themselves for hiding the signs of their own success. Tamrissa puts an end to all spying in the house by threatening to dob in anyone watching them since knowledge of Blending is highly classified. Another testing authority representative, Lord Twimmal, shows up to teach (badly) them to Blend. Jovvi finally figures out that they've all been drugged with Puredan to obey unknown orders. Meanwhile, Lord Idian shows up to teach the nobles how to Blend, but only Kambil and Delin are up. After Delin besmirches Rigos' reputation some more, Selendi, Homin and Bron finally show up. We get a THIRD lecture of "how to Blend" and Selendi and Bron can't reach Kambil. The three late arrivals are dismissed, then Kambil and Delin are told to have sex with Selendi ASAP, because that will somehow enable all of their magical connections to go through both Selendi AND Kambil. Kambil spends the afternoon messing around with everybody's heads (except for Delin). Delin has an assignation with a random MILF who is his source of intel for noble society gossip. The intel he gathers is related to his personal vendetta against Rigos which is utterly insignificant to the plot and delivered awkwardly via the worst sex scene in all eight books (which is really saying something). He ends the night by murdering Ollon Kapmar (the late Elfini's brother), except Delin doesn't remember the murder act, just the entire fantasy sequence leading up to it.By the end of Day 11, both groups have "Blended", though consistent with the "my protagonists are just so much more awesome than everybody else", Green's protagonists get it in one try while the nobles need a second attempt. Jovvi and Tamrissa realize polycule shenanigans need to occur for magical strengthening reasons. Tamrissa and Jovvi fail to seduce Lorand and Vallant respectively, because "bros before hos". Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 44 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton, Carmad Lestrin (minor spoiler - sorry, you're not going to see him again), Relana TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 23 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom, an ampitheatre, Relana's house, Ollon Kapmar's house MEALS ON-SCREEN: 28 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast, dinner), Day 11 (lunch, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 18 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x), his privates (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1), womanflesh (x1) Sex acts: merged (x2), shared themselves/sharing (x2), exercise (x1), entering (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 17 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1), sweet lady (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 87 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 49 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 23 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 73 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 45 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 57 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 31 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 11 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 8 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 8, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: Three things: 1. Make the murders actually relevant to the overall plot, instead of offing characters who don't matter 2. Give the entire murder mystery plot line to a minor character, and use that as a way to get to know all of the people in the competitions 3. Write the murder mystery as its own 15k novella, with each third acting as an interlude between Act I, Act II and Act III of the main plot. Problem solved! I don't write murder mysteries but newts has a great one going on in CC, which you should check out if you want to see some GOOD writing instead of Green's horrible crap: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3952838
|
|
#
?
Aug 6, 2021 13:10
|
|
|
quote:CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE Or you know, because she has Spirit magic. But to be fair, it probably doesn't take Spirit magic to read Rion. quote:“No, we haven’t moved up the time we’ll be Blending,” she told him softly. “We seem to have a different problem, and although it doesn’t involve you directly, you really should be there while we discuss it. Way to put your foot in it Jovvi. And we're supposed to believe she's the smooth operator in the group! quote:As one of us, you—” I'm trying to decide whether or not I like how Green has opened this chapter. She's doing the usual "show every single thing happening" but while that normally annoys me, I don't mind this one instance because Rion and Vallant being confused is a nice character moment. Though I do think something is off with Vallant's reaction, because he SHOULD know what Jovvi means. Having said that, we are in a Rion POV which means it could be Rion misreading Vallant's reaction. And now that I've typed all that, I've probably overthought it and Green didn't have any great master plan here. quote:Although Rion’s curiosity was beginning to grow somewhat intense, he agreed that that wasn’t the place to discuss anything at all. One or more of the servants could appear at any moment, which did make it wisest for them to retire to Lorand’s bedchamber. Rion therefore stepped out of his own and closed the door, then followed the others to Lorand’s door. These books are just screaming for an alternate retelling from Warla's POV or some other random spy in the household, where it's just a comical series of unfortunate events that constantly enable the protagonists to cruise on through without having to be competent at anything other than "be really strong at their magic". Or there could just be some complex, subtle manoeuvres going on underneath the protagonists' noses that they're completely oblivious to. I would find either of these takes to be believable. quote:A single knock brought Lorand, who added his own surprised expression as the three of them entered. Look at the boys quote:Tamrissa was already there, and although she seemed momentarily startled to see them all, another, more difficult to define, expression dominated her visible emotions.  quote:Lorand and Vallant both began to speak at once then, a combination of protest over unfair accusation and a defense of a perfectly reasonable stance. Rion, however, had the sudden impression that he might have made a large social faux pas, and not having realized it at the time was possibly not enough of an excuse. For that reason he quietly went to a chair and sat, leaving the others to sort the matter out among themselves. This is my favorite paragraph in this entire book. This bit right here. We've now officially hit peak entertainment for Book 3 and it's all downhill from here. ...and it's just SO FRUSTRATING because little moments like these prove Green could have written something so much better! And moments like these are so conspicuously absent from her other POV characters, which is why Rion is always the best. quote:“But this whole thing is ridiculous,” Tamrissa was in the midst of protesting since the men had run down a bit. “How can anyone feel hurt because of a necessity? Even if you don’t happen to like the need, that doesn’t stop it from being necessary.” What's ridiculous is Vallant not being 100% on board with this, given that Tamrissa is now advocating for "the magic system says we have to sleep together", literally the SAME argument he made however many chapters ago when they were in the garden and he was drinking her tea during the last set of random encounters. quote:“And it really isn’t a personal matter,” Jovvi added, clearly working to sound calm and reasonable. “Being intimate with someone isn’t a betrayal of someone else, not when the someone else is aware of what’s happening and is cooperating with a like necessity. You do see that, don’t you?” Now might be a good time for Tamrissa to bring up that dining parlour analogy again! quote:“I’m not seein’ much of anythin’ beyond the picture of another man lyin’ with the woman who means so much to me,” Vallant put in, his expression disturbed. “Not to mention me doin’ the same with a woman who means that much to another man. It just isn’t right to do that to a friend, and Lorand is a good deal more than a friend.” I've noticed zero broship between you two. What can either of you tell me about each other that isn't immediately observable? quote:while the ladies seemed to be fighting expressions of exasperation. “I can’t imagine ever betraying him like that, even if betrayal isn’t the proper word under the circumstances. I—wait a minute. Why are we just talking about Vallant and me? Shouldn’t we be including Rion?” You two are so incredibly dense. quote:The questions were mostly being put to Jovvi, who had exchanged another glance with Tamrissa before beginning to show an extremely neutral expression. Tamrissa immediately adopted the same expression, which left Rion as the last to decide on his appearance. This turned out to be rather difficult for Rion, as he had no true idea about how he should feel. Had he betrayed Lorand and Vallant? If so, he would not be terribly pleased with himself. This entire series would be so much better if EVERYBODY'S POVs were cut, except for Rion's. His POV is literally the only character where Green's style of prose seems to work. quote:Jovvi began to speak, but Lorand interrupted before she produced the first word. Oh hey look! Earth magic isn't truly all powerful! I also don't know about Lorand dropping this information like this, especially since he's got such hang ups about sexual mores in general. quote:By then Vallant had added his own divided stare, which was also directed at the women. Tamrissa now looked more uncomfortable and faintly distressed than expressionless, and she studied her hands where they twisted together a bit at her waist. Jovvi’s calm seemed to have thinned somewhat, and for the most part her gaze avoided Lorand’s. This literally would not be a plot point if Green had been consistent with Jovvi's characterization. Or I dunno, maybe it WOULD be, since Jovvi would have slept with all three of them by now and therefore she would just think the strength of the bonds are normal. Though I do think that a consistent Jovvi who's 100% focused on getting out of the competitions so she can run her own residence would not be paying any attention to Lorand so perhaps she would have still noticed. quote:Rion would have enjoyed staying out of the situation, but doing that at Tamrissa and Jovvi’s expense was simply beyond him. Actually good character writing! quote:“No, it wasn’t your fault,” Jovvi interrupted at once, speaking to Rion first and then giving Lorand a defiant look. “The whole thing was my idea, which was completely within my rights. No one else had any interest in me, so—” Absymal character writing! Green stop this character assassination of Jovvi. This is NOT WHAT HAPPENED.quote:“And it was also my idea,” Tamrissa rushed to add, the blush on her cheeks weakening the firmness of her tone. “I asked Rion a favor, and he was good enough to—” Did Green get her physiology mixed up? Blushing has nothing to do with the vocal cords, which is what affects somebody's tone of voice. quote:“You actually went so far as to take advantage of Rion?” Lorand demanded of Jovvi in apparent outrage. “A man with such a small amount of life experience is worse than a fish in a barrel, but you speared him anyway. I never thought I’d say this, Jovvi, but I’m really disappointed in you.” We're past abysmal character writing now and through into an alternate dimension. Lorand seriously. Do you not remember the tavern sequence? Do you not remember Rion propositioning Jovvi in the gardens the day after? Those events were in Book 1, which for us was like a hundred chapters ago, but for you was literally **checks timeline** eight days ago!quote:“You leave her alone!” Tamrissa said, clearly trying for a snap in her voice but achieving a trembling instead as she put an arm about Jovvi’s shoulders. “She isn’t the only one who did it, and she wasn’t even first. And not only isn’t Rion as innocent as you seem to think, he also doesn’t have all these … ridiculous objections that you two do. He makes a woman feel appreciated, not unreasonably intrusive.” That is NOT how I remember Chapter 14 from Book 2. quote:Jovvi hadn’t seemed prepared to defend herself, Which is weird as hell. quote:and Tamrissa’s defense came as something of a surprise. Lorand and Vallant exchanged a glance before each of them looked briefly toward Rion, and once again Rion had no idea how to respond. It had been shocking enough that the ladies had been blamed for the incidents rather than himself; now, with comparisons being made… quote:“Are you sayin’ you’d … rather lie with Rion than with me?” Vallant asked Tamrissa, sounding more vulnerable and hurt than he had the other night in the coach. “If that’s what your choice is then I can’t argue it, but—” Why do I not buy this sudden "I respect women and their right to choose" schtick all of a sudden? Oh, maybe because Vallant's spent two and a half books doing the exact opposite! quote:“Oh, for goodness’ sake!” Tamrissa interrupted, actually sounding annoyed as she looked at Vallant. sorry, am I'm supposed to find this romantic somehow?quote:“This meeting has turned out to be more involved than when we Blended,” Lorand said with a sigh, I was just going to sit here and enjoy the first scene with actual conflict that wasn't manufactured via extremely artificial and convoluted means, but now that Lorand's called it a meeting, I guess I have to increment the meeting counter. quote:his gaze on Jovvi. “I didn’t really mean it when I said I was disappointed, love. Or maybe I meant I was disappointed in myself. I shouldn’t have made you feel that no one wanted you, because the truth is that I want you more than anything in the world. If only I were good enough for you…” Um dude, way to apologize for the wrong thing. Let's review: you kept proposing to her despite the fact that she's made very clear that she's not interested in a permanent monogamous relationship; she was quite happy to get into a non-exclusive sexual relationship with you for career reasons and you had issues with that; and THEN you went and got all presumptuous and assumed she would just want to get married and settle down into being a housewife and give you a bunch of kids when she's clearly an ambitious woman with her own goals. quote:“Don’t say that!” Jovvi interrupted sharply, a plea rather than a command. She had left Tamrissa’s side, and now stood in front of Lorand. “Your thinking that is my fault, and I simply can’t bear it. I never dreamed that a man could be as wonderful as you, and if you speak about yourself that way again, I’ll … I’ll…” I don't know what Jovvi's got in mind, but I know what I'm doing: quote:The threat trailed off unspoken, and they simply stood there gazing at one another. Just as Tamrissa and Vallant stood doing the same. Rion sighed very softly, then rose and silently left the room. He was truly delighted that his groupmates seemed to have worked out their difficulties, but being among them was a bit on the painful side. If only Naran were there… You're one to talk! You and Naran are 1000x worse on the sappiness scale. quote:Rion headed downstairs rather than return to his empty bedchamber, in no mood for being alone but somehow also in no mood for company. But he made sure to move slowly and idly, as he knew that a servant now seemed to be on the way to the stairs. The human body displaced a certain amount of air, and he’d discovered that he could use his awareness of that to judge if anyone was near or approaching. The four people upstairs needed no distractions, but he could certainly use one. Will you look at that! All of them have now figured out their own magical radar. How convenient, and also this won't matter at all. quote:And sure enough, the servant had crossed half the hall by the time he reached the bottom of the stairs. It happened to be the servant who had sought him out the night Naran had come by to tell him where she would be, and when the man saw him he changed his direction from the stairs to Rion himself. I've lost the plot on whether people actively know Rion is a lord or not. Are titles inheritable in this Empire? Considering that Rion's rejecting Hallina as his mother, doesn't that mean he's effectively renounced his lordship? quote:“I was just coming to look for you. That young lady from the other night is at the door again.” Where is Rion getting his money from? I'm pretty sure he spent all of his cash on getting those gifts for Naran and Tamrissa, but I'm too lazy to go back and double check his inventory right now. quote:then opened the door to see the most beautiful face in the universe. Don't you mean Blendingverse? quote:“Oh, my lord, how quickly you came,” Naran said breathlessly, seeming a bit startled at his sudden appearance. “I would not have disturbed you here again, but I feared that you would search for me at the same house and I’m no longer there. I haven’t as yet found anything permanent, but as soon as I do I’ll be certain to let you know where I am.” Spoilers for book 5: bit late on that one Naran! quote:“I live for the moment,” Rion said as he reached out and drew her into his arms. “I worried so about you since the other night—I returned to the house shortly after I left it, and found you gone.” More book 5 spoilers: I feel like Naran's "a friend" ploy wouldn't have worked on anyone other than Rion, namely because she's so obviously suspect every time she says it Also book 4 spoilers: Meerk, who is the head of the underground rebellion, has an agent who is an actual friend of Naran's, which is how they rescue everyone in Book 4. So the next part that follows doesn't actually make any sense once you realize that Naran TOTALLY HAD A PLACE SHE COULD GO TO instead of here. quote:“They were in the pay of my mother’s agent,” Rion said, feeling the frown he now wore. “I’d believed I’d avoided them, but it turned out I hadn’t. But who is this person who might be searching for you? You’ve said nothing about another man.” Book five spoilers: this is Tamrissa's dad, Storn. We've literally seen nothing to establish him as a very powerful man, other than people repeatedly asserting he is a very powerful man. Also I wish if Green were going to link up her subplots/minor characters like this, that she would drop some clues so we could at least have fun figuring it out. As it was, on a first time read through, by this point I was just like meh, it's gonna be some random character we've never heard of and will never see on screen, except maybe in one scene where Rion disintegrates him in order to show off how awesome Rion is or something. quote:“Running like a common criminal,” Rion said, fighting to keep the fury suddenly filling him from exploding in all directions. “Well, that’s all over with now. You’re to gather your things together, and return here during the small hours of the morning. There’s certainly enough room in this house for you, and my friends will help to hide your presence. And if that … beast discovers where you are, he’ll have me to deal with.” More book 5 spoilers in addition to the plothole I've spoilered above: again, this makes no sense on a reread, even considering the sequel trilogy. Sight magic in these books works like being able to see probable outcomes of choices people make and Naran is the strongest Sight magic user on this entire continent. So either Sight magic sucks or Naran just has a stunningly limited imagination. How is it that she literally can't envision an action that would lead to a low probability of Storn finding her? Like okay, Sight magic isn't exactly like being able to google something but it's pretty damned close. How does she not sit there and contemplate - hrmm, what if I get on this ship sailing for the Tondron continent? What if I go to Gracely? Is Storn THAT rich and powerful? And if so, this is all really wasted at this point, since we don't have any idea as a first time reader that Sight magic is a thing because of Green's inability to foreshadow properly. quote:“There will be no need of that,” Rion assured her. “I will come out at the stroke of three, After that Delin chapter, I can no longer read "stroke of three" as anything other than "stroke of luck". quote:and fully expect to find you waiting. If you are not, I fear there will be words between us.” quote:“And I you, my precious lady,” Rion murmured before sharing a kiss with her. quote:Once the kiss ended she slipped from his arms and disappeared, and rather than follow, Rion slowly closed the door. He’d caused his mother’s watchers to fear him, but actually giving them something to report might be too much of a temptation. Besides, he needed to discuss the matter with the others as quickly as possible. Oh look, another random encounter! Summary: Day 11 Meerk take Lorand and Tamrissa go to see Hat as a challenger to the Seated High in Earth magic. The whole contest is a sham. Lord Carmad Lestrin shows up to teach the protagonists how to Blend; the protagonists are very proud of themselves for hiding the signs of their own success. Tamrissa puts an end to all spying in the house by threatening to dob in anyone watching them since knowledge of Blending is highly classified. Another testing authority representative, Lord Twimmal, shows up to teach (badly) them to Blend. Jovvi finally figures out that they've all been drugged with Puredan to obey unknown orders. Meanwhile, Lord Idian shows up to teach the nobles how to Blend, but only Kambil and Delin are up. After Delin besmirches Rigos' reputation some more, Selendi, Homin and Bron finally show up. We get a THIRD lecture of "how to Blend" and Selendi and Bron can't reach Kambil. The three late arrivals are dismissed, then Kambil and Delin are told to have sex with Selendi ASAP, because that will somehow enable all of their magical connections to go through both Selendi AND Kambil. Kambil spends the afternoon messing around with everybody's heads (except for Delin). Delin has an assignation with a random MILF who is his source of intel for noble society gossip. The intel he gathers is related to his personal vendetta against Rigos which is utterly insignificant to the plot and delivered awkwardly via the worst sex scene in all eight books (which is really saying something). He ends the night by murdering Ollon Kapmar (the late Elfini's brother), except Delin doesn't remember the murder act, just the entire fantasy sequence leading up to it.By the end of Day 11, both groups have "Blended", though consistent with the "my protagonists are just so much more awesome than everybody else", Green's protagonists get it in one try while the nobles need a second attempt. Jovvi and Tamrissa realize polycule shenanigans need to occur for magical strengthening reasons. Tamrissa and Jovvi fail to seduce Lorand and Vallant respectively, because "bros before hos". Jovvi drags everybody into Lorand's room for a five-way conversation about group sex protocols which end up being all about soothing Vallant and Lorand's respective egos. Meanwhile, Rion sneaks off while the other four are busy drowning themselves in their sappy relationship drama to have his own sappy exchange with Naran, who needs a place to stay. They make arrangements for Naran to come back at night. After Naran leaves, Hallina shows up again. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 44 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton, Carmad Lestrin (minor spoiler - sorry, you're not going to see him again), Relana TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 23 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom, an ampitheatre, Relana's house, Ollon Kapmar's house MEALS ON-SCREEN: 28 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast, dinner), Day 11 (lunch, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 18 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x), his privates (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1), womanflesh (x1) Sex acts: merged (x2), shared themselves/sharing (x2), exercise (x1), entering (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 19 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x3) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1), sweet lady (x1), precious lady (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 89 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 49 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 24 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 73 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 45 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 57 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 31 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 11 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 8 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 8, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: Make the rest of the books more like this chapter! Also get rid of the part where they just collapse into sappy hetero couples and instead have Rion make amends by offering to sleep with Vallant and Lorand too! (joking but also not joking)
|
|
#
?
Aug 14, 2021 14:11
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 31, 2024 12:16 |
|
|
quote:CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX Look at this sudden character growth! It's like it came out of nowhere? quote:“Did you admit her to the house?” he suddenly found himself asking the servant, his voice calm and unconcerned. “Her last visit here was scarcely so pleasant that any sort of deference would be due her.” Ummmm...so why did Warla let Allestine and her henchmen in before? And since Warla is running the house as Tamrissa's not allowed to run the house anymore, how did Warla not get in trouble for this, given all of the spies in the house? quote:“This is an official residence, and as such is considered a shelter for those talents who reside here. Inasmuch as you gentlemen and ladies will participate in the competitions, we on the staff consider it our privileged duty to protect you from any distractions which might disturb you.” We need to be in Rion's head much more right now. Because I can't tell if he's just flipped a switch and no longer has mommy issues, or if he's just putting on a good face for the servant (and himself). quote:The servant bowed and led the way to the front door, which he opened once Rion was properly positioned to block easy access. The visitor did turn out to be his mother, and once she caught sight of Rion she exploded. Oh, he's flipped a switch. I see. Are Green's characters humans or robots or NPCs in a badly written RPG? Real people don't suddenly overcome issues like this out of nowhere. Usually there's some sort of journey involved! quote:“Clarion, what have they done to my darling boy?” she wailed, clearly on the verge of falling to tears. “You’ve never behaved so abominably, and I’m going straight to the palace to speak to the Five. They’ll have you taken out of here, and then—” So the calm before was pretended or not? quote:“Your crying won’t accomplish a thing as far as I’m concerned, and even the Five have no power over one of their possible successors. How exactly does Rion know this? As far as I remember, Jovvi is the only one who asked to see the laws pertaining to the competitions and Blending, which she has never followed up on. This has to be bluffing, and I wish Green would make more of a thing of it, so we could see Rion's struggles. quote:If they ordered me taken out of here, the people of this city would riot over the deliberate ruining of a common challenging Blending. A much more interesting plot which Book 5 spoilers conveniently happen offscreen quote:And for the hundredth time, my name is now Rion.” So far, she has proven to be no threat at all, whatsoever. quote:And with that she turned with her head high, and marched toward her waiting carriage. Rion was able to keep all expression from his face, but once again his insides roiled like a volcano. The anticipatory gloating in her voice had made him ill, knowing as he did that she usually got exactly what she wanted. If only we saw any of that while it was happening. Does Green not know that you can write action and dialogue AND introspection at the same time? quote:Right now what he wanted and needed was to be with his own, This is so weird. You guys have known each other for less than two weeks. quote:so he left the closing of the front door to the servant, hurried upstairs, and knocked on Lorand’s door. Um...weren't you guys trying to be stealthy? Pretty sure every servant in the house knows you guys are having trouble working out your swinging arrangements. quote:The babble of conversation inside ceased rather abruptly, and it was Lorand himself who opened the door. There was no refereeing going on before. quote:“When I left, all you four seemed to need was privacy.” Impromptu spontaneous group sex would definitely have solved the plot problem, tbh. quote:“That didn’t last long, because admitting the truth changed nothing,” Jovvi replied, staring at him with a frown. This. THIS. This is the reason why it always feels like nothing happens in most of Green's chapters. quote:“But first you’ll have to tell us what’s bothering you. That agitation inside your head is threatening to knock me over.” Foreshadowing! (kind of) quote:“That part of it is fairly simple to explain,” Rion answered, going back to the chair he’d left and collapsing into it. “Mother came calling again, but the servant who came to fetch me pointed out that this is an official residence. No one who might disturb us has to be admitted, so I didn’t let her in.” We did not need this recap, and neither did these guys. quote:but that isn’t why I disturbed your … discussion. It so happens I need to ask a favor.” so cishet centric.quote:“What did you have in mind?” Green you gotta stop writing words like this when Spirit magic is a thing!quote:“Naran came to tell me she was no longer at the house where we met the last time. Some friend of hers saw Mother’s people searching the neighborhood trying to locate me, and thought they’d been sent by the man trying to find Naran. Apparently he’s rather powerful and wants her, but since she wants nothing to do with him she’s been forced to keep moving around.” Two recaps in one section. quote:“Well, I should hope you did tell her we’d hide her,” Tamrissa said immediately, actually sounding indignant. “No woman should have to do as a man wants simply because he’s powerful and she isn’t. There are enough empty bedchambers that she can have her pick, and we’ll find some way to make certain she doesn’t starve.” What, not even a little mulling over the ethics of this, Jovvi? Or anybody else for that matter? quote:“And having Rion’s lady here ought to keep him occupied,” Lorand added rather dryly. “That will make one less thing for Vallant and me to worry about.” This is one of Green's better attempts at humor. quote:These people were his and he was one of them, a fact which weakened his mother’s threats all the way down to being negligible. With their support he could do and be anything, even a free, independent man. I have total whiplash about the way Rion is feeling. quote:Rion was about to say just that, when a knock at the door interrupted him. which are NOT AT ALL suspicious in the least. Nope. None. And does not blow their cover of constant feuding either. quote:but there’s someone at the door for both Dama Domon and Dom Ro. A gentleman for Dama Domon, and a lady for Dom Ro.” Yes; specifically, your author has declared it to be so, because it's been a while since the last round of random encounters and she needs these to demonstrate character growth has occured because she can't seem to find a way to organically work that into the plot as it happens. quote:“If so, Jovvi and I are at something of a disadvantage.” I see that your whole made up guilt hang ups over Allestine's sentencing has already been forgotten. quote:before looking at Tamrissa and Vallant. “Why don’t you two take care of your visitors, and Lorand and I will make plans with Rion about Naran. Later we can get together again and fill each other in, and then get back to our original argument.” Fabulous. Instead of having the conflict in one chapter and resolving it satisfactorily, we're just going to abandon it to go have some pointless random encounters and then have ANOTHER chapter of recaps in a meeting before getting on with it. quote:Tamrissa and Vallant both showed brief but odd expressions before agreeing, then they moved toward the door. Rion knew he would have to ask about what he’d missed, but truthfully felt very reluctant to do so. It seemed there were definite benefits in being “innocent,” at least as far as certain subjects went… It's like Green knew the last chapter was her best one and didn't know how to keep going so she decided to milk the same drama for all its worth. Unfortunately for Green, that's not how pacing and dramatic tension work! Summary: Day 11 Meerk take Lorand and Tamrissa go to see Hat as a challenger to the Seated High in Earth magic. The whole contest is a sham. Lord Carmad Lestrin shows up to teach the protagonists how to Blend; the protagonists are very proud of themselves for hiding the signs of their own success. Tamrissa puts an end to all spying in the house by threatening to dob in anyone watching them since knowledge of Blending is highly classified. Another testing authority representative, Lord Twimmal, shows up to teach (badly) them to Blend. Jovvi finally figures out that they've all been drugged with Puredan to obey unknown orders. Meanwhile, Lord Idian shows up to teach the nobles how to Blend, but only Kambil and Delin are up. After Delin besmirches Rigos' reputation some more, Selendi, Homin and Bron finally show up. We get a THIRD lecture of "how to Blend" and Selendi and Bron can't reach Kambil. The three late arrivals are dismissed, then Kambil and Delin are told to have sex with Selendi ASAP, because that will somehow enable all of their magical connections to go through both Selendi AND Kambil. Kambil spends the afternoon messing around with everybody's heads (except for Delin). Delin has an assignation with a random MILF who is his source of intel for noble society gossip. The intel he gathers is related to his personal vendetta against Rigos which is utterly insignificant to the plot and delivered awkwardly via the worst sex scene in all eight books (which is really saying something). He ends the night by murdering Ollon Kapmar (the late Elfini's brother), except Delin doesn't remember the murder act, just the entire fantasy sequence leading up to it.By the end of Day 11, both groups have "Blended", though consistent with the "my protagonists are just so much more awesome than everybody else", Green's protagonists get it in one try while the nobles need a second attempt. Jovvi and Tamrissa realize polycule shenanigans need to occur for magical strengthening reasons. Tamrissa and Jovvi fail to seduce Lorand and Vallant respectively, because "bros before hos". Jovvi drags everybody into Lorand's room for a five-way conversation about group sex protocols which end up being all about soothing Vallant and Lorand's respective egos. Meanwhile, Rion sneaks off while the other four are busy drowning themselves in their sappy relationship drama to have his own sappy exchange with Naran, who needs a place to stay. They make arrangements for Naran to come back at night. After Naran leaves, Hallina shows up again. Rion tells her to go away, and she does, after the standard "you'll be sorry for this" parting speech. Everyone agrees to hide Naran. Meanwhile, Storn and Mirra turn up again. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 44 (24 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin Book 3: Damilla Sytoss, Edril Lanton, Carmad Lestrin (minor spoiler - sorry, you're not going to see him again), Relana TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 23 (9 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence, the Seated Five's palace, the ballroom inside the palace Book 3: a courtroom, an ampitheatre, Relana's house, Ollon Kapmar's house MEALS ON-SCREEN: 28 (15 in Book 1; 9 in Book 2) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch, canapés at the masked reception at the palace), Day 10 (breakfast, dinner), Day 11 (lunch, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 18 (9 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1), conflagration raging inside (1x), his privates (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1), womanflesh (x1) Sex acts: merged (x2), shared themselves/sharing (x2), exercise (x1), entering (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 19 (3 in Book 1; 13 in Book 2) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x3) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1), sweet lady (x1), precious lady (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 31 (11 introduced in Book 1; 20 introduced in Book 2) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord, group wearing gold and blue costumes at the ball (Adriari's Blending) Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 90 (39 in Book 1; 23 in Book 2) COACH RIDES: 49 (21 in Book 1; 25 in Book 2) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 16 (4 in Book 1; 10 in Book 2) OTHER MEETINGS: 25 (3 in Book 1; 12 in Book 2) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 73 (31 in Book 1; 31 in Book 2) "CLIFFHANGERS": 46 (18 in Book 1; 16 in Book 2) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 14 (11 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) TEA DRINKING: 57 (22 in Book 1; 26 in Book 2) BLATANT MORALIZING: 31 (19 in Book 1; 5 in Book 2) BATH SCENES: 11 (9 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 8 (6 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) MIND CONTROL: 8 (5 in Book 1; 1 in Book 2) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 8, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1; 4 in Book 2, including 1 rape scene) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: I think I've identified what's wrong with Green's plotting: she plots like someone would write a recipe. And by that I mean she probably sat there and listed out a sequence of events and then just wrote to that. I'm guilty of doing this myself - looking back at my rewrite now almost a year later (and with the benefit of some more detailed feedback from the other goons in my writing group), I can see that the stronger chapters are the ones where I've properly plotted (i.e. I was focused on the conflict/s and the stakes) and the weaker chapters are the ones those where I've just listed out events that transpire without real regard for the conflict. The idea of having a confrontation between Rion and his mother is a good one; but I think the problem is Green is so focused on "showing" that Rion has grown as a character that it feels like she's flipped a switch in the moment, then later on she remembers that he should be struggling so she throws in some stuff about that. Hallina doesn't come off as a credible antagonist either - at most, all that she's done is 1) have his name tag changed and 2) send people to spy on him and write him a creepy letter. There's all the elements of a nice little subplot here with Rion chasing after the mysterious but alluring Naran, whom his powerful noble mother doesn't approve of. But Green doesn't attempt any build up - everything is either or 
|
|
#
?
Aug 20, 2021 15:16
|
|