|
Nolgthorn posted:You're right I'm not relaxed enough, some people just get along, I'll work on this. Thanks for the advice that might be the ticket. I met my wife when I went back to university. In the first two years I drove myself mad trying to will myself to go to clubs, be the kind of man I saw listed on internet dating sites. I actually met her by getting talking about comics after a creative writing seminar where we were in the same group. A lot of society at large will tell you there is one way to meet the girl of your dreams, and frankly a lot of it is bad advice for neurotypical people let alone autistic people. If I could give one piece of dating advice it would be to find someone who is honest and up-front, and doesn't insist you have to be a certain way. Someone patient and open minded. They're like gold dust but they're out there. There is at the core of your being a spark that is brought joy by doing the things you love. Find those things. Find communities that do those things and allow yourself to be seen as yourself in those places. Look up local groups that meet up in community centres, college evening classes, things like that. Nolgthorn posted:I've had someone tell me my face had no expression. I don't think that happens often but maybe when I drink. If I started focusing on it I'm sure that wouldn't help me very much, seems like the kind of thing that should be natural. And again, it's tough because it can be hard to try to do that without just masking, which can be its own source of problems.
|
#
?
Aug 25, 2022 10:52
|
|
|
|
| # ? Jun 7, 2024 08:29 |
|
|
I don't even want to know what kind of signals I'm sending when I realize in the middle of a conversation that I've forgotten to make facial expressions again and suddenly start smiling...
|
|
#
?
Aug 25, 2022 16:44
|
|
|
I default to smiling, which is annoying when I’m angry. I don’t know if that is really masking since most of the time I am happy, but it’s like my face doesn’t update very fast sometimes. Although, I can’t pokerface at all, if I think someone is talking ludicrous nonsense I can’t stop my face showing it. I think my last boss knew exactly what I thought of him!
|
|
#
?
Aug 25, 2022 19:05
|
|
|
Field report. Went walking around to get some food and a coffee today, made a conscious effort to smile when I felt happy. The difference it made was world changing, it's like discovering a super power. Important note to self smile when happy. The things they don't tell you in school.
|
|
#
?
Aug 25, 2022 21:26
|
|
|
Nolgthorn posted:Field report. When I was a teenager people kept asking me if I was ok and then telling me I should smile more so I worked at making my default expression a smile. I kept it up for years but I started to realize that it was too inviting of a look. Every crazy person zeroed in on me to try to start a conversation and many women I had no interest in seemed to think I was flirting with them. I'm not saying don't smile, just saying be aware of the dangers! With great power comes great responsibility, etc...
|
|
#
?
Aug 25, 2022 21:44
|
|
|
TIP posted:Every crazy person zeroed in on me to try to start a conversation This isn't true, I don't talk to anyone who smiles at me. I think most crazy people will try to talk to anyone who makes eye contact. I wouldn't smile all the time by default though that sounds like trouble, just when I am happy about something. When you don't keep that to yourself other people really respond to it. It's like getting people to do things for me isn't a chore anymore. Something as simple as hey could I get a bag, try that with smiling vs without smiling.
|
|
#
?
Aug 26, 2022 08:32
|
|
|
I ain't got time to smile at people, I'm too busy smiling and saying hello to animals! 
|
|
#
?
Aug 26, 2022 12:38
|
|
|
Stoca Zola posted:I have a friend who didn't manage a serious relationship until he was in his mid 40s. Sometimes you just don't gel with the right person until you find them and it's ok if that takes a while. Don't try to compare your life to the "normal" progression because everyone is different and it doesn't really matter. I think you'll know when you find the right person, I'm pretty bad socially but I knew when I had to make a move and it did work out in the end. I'm 42 and have never had one and don't feel like I'm in a position to have one. I keep trying to do things to improve myself and my situation but they keep getting messed up. I have so much anxiety and so many hang-ups over this. Sometimes I just want to scream. Or cry. Or get in a fistfight with whatever created us to be this way.
|
|
#
?
Aug 26, 2022 21:07
|
|
|
After you get through a couple of relationships, which take years off your life. It doesn't get easier. This is because every person you meet offers a fully unique experience. You're going to have an entirely different getting to know you phase. There are only very small and ultimately useless things you can get better at. In fact if you bring too many past experiences with you it might be dragging you down more than anything. Get to know a lot of people without expectation of a relationship. Then pick one that you like and ask her out.
|
|
#
?
Aug 26, 2022 22:05
|
|
|
ChrisBTY posted:I'm 42 and have never had one and don't feel like I'm in a position to have one. I keep trying to do things to improve myself and my situation but they keep getting messed up. I know that feel buddy 
|
|
#
?
Aug 27, 2022 19:10
|
|
|
Anyone still get stunned by the "how are you" dance that we do every morning. I know it's a pre-determined routine of running through the lines but it's just exhausting. I also always have the initial gut reaction that the question requires way too complicated an answer at 8am in the workplace. Why can't people just say Hi or Good morning and end it there.
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 03:48
|
|
|
I've always just said good and moved on
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 04:02
|
|
|
It's just ritual. "I'm good, you?" That's it.
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 04:21
|
|
|
Cheerfully: "one day closer to death!"
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 04:51
|
|
|
Always been the odd one out. I will reciprocate a good morning or whatever when asked, but like... Man, I just don't like doing it. We see each other 5 days a week. Please stop. Who are you fooling? e: will add I learned that you can just say "I'm fine, thank you. (Yourself? (Sometimes?????? Sometimes people are confused by this))" and proceed on without much interruption. I do empathize with the exhaustion of it tho. Kalsco fucked around with this message at 06:07 on Aug 29, 2022 |
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 06:03
|
|
|
I used to answer honestly, but I learned that you shouldn't do that. I wish there was a better way to say to friends/people I like well enough, "How are you? No, like, for real. Like, without the filter."
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 06:12
|
|
|
Kalsco posted:Always been the odd one out. I will reciprocate a good morning or whatever when asked, but like... Man, I just don't like doing it. We see each other 5 days a week. Please stop. Who are you fooling? 9/10 when asked I just default to some bullshit like "oh man this weather/can't wait till Friday!/man I need some coffee" and the ritual concludes
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 07:01
|
|
|
broken pixel posted:I used to answer honestly, but I learned that you shouldn't do that. I wish there was a better way to say to friends/people I like well enough, "How are you? No, like, for real. Like, without the filter." You can do that, everyone knows it's a play at first. Just ask again with a bit of emphasis or the "for real" bit when you actually want to know.
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 07:54
|
|
|
How are you is a bit of a social handicap that has been widely adopted because it's considered friendly. Ideally everyone would just talk to each other about anything they want to but a lot of people are anxious so in a number of cases the question opens up dialogue. You can respond with anything like "I bought a boat yesterday" you don't have to literally answer the question. In fact a lot of the time they don't even want to know how you are, or talk to you, but are being polite. Usually in environments where they have to talk to you regardless, if you were to talk to them, so they are making an effort to seem nice. Also turns out if you ask first you can gleam a lot of information about what kind of day they are having. Sets a tone for any conversations you'll have with that person for the rest of the day. It's not that interesting but that's part of what's happening too.
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 10:59
|
|
|
broken pixel posted:I used to answer honestly, but I learned that you shouldn't do that. I wish there was a better way to say to friends/people I like well enough, "How are you? No, like, for real. Like, without the filter." I think the way to do that is to ask them a more specific question, like "how has work been" or "did you have a busy weekend" or something. Advanced move: keep track of what they told you last time about things going on in their life and then ask them about those things later.
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 11:07
|
|
|
Nolgthorn posted:Also turns out if you ask first you can gleam a lot of information about what kind of day they are having. Sets a tone for any conversations you'll have with that person for the rest of the day. It's not that interesting but that's part of what's happening too. Yep, even though you're not really supposed to literally answer the question, the range of ritual answers does offer some nuance. "I'm great!" with a cheerful expression is a pretty far cry from "I'm here" with a bit of an ironic grimace. (I like that one myself because it expresses mild discontent without being a downer, so even if people are feeling bubbly they can sort of chuckle and respond "well, at least there's that!" or something stupid.)
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 11:29
|
|
|
My favorite is when I ask "how are you" and they have a look on their face like "why do people ask that stupid question". So I perk up expectantly like I detected they can't wait to tell me.
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 11:31
|
|
|
Around here you can respond to "How's it goin?" with "Oh, it's goin'," which means "I feel lousy but I don't want to get into it."
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 16:11
|
|
|
Pththya-lyi posted:Around here you can respond to "How's it goin?" with "Oh, it's goin'," which means "I feel lousy but I don't want to get into it."
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 19:57
|
|
|
Honestly, learning how allistic people communicate is like one very long, complicated game of Chairman Mao. They’ve got all these unspoken rules and getting by is about learning those rules without overtly acknowledging them. (Often because they don’t even realize the rule exists themselves, or drawing attention to it has ~implications~.) Edit: As an example, it took me way too long to realize that allistic people only pay active attention to other people's body language when they're trying to figure out if they're either being deceptive (looking for 'tells') or romantically/sexually interested in them. The rest of the time, it's all signals they pick up on without even realizing it. Indicating that you're paying attention to their body language and/or asking what something means immediately makes them assume that you're in one of those two states of mind, because that's what it means when interacting with other allistic people 99% of the time. girl dick energy fucked around with this message at 20:11 on Aug 29, 2022 |
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 20:00
|
|
|
The meaningless greetings are just ritual behaviour. 'Hello, I am a human and I mean you no harm!' 'Hello, I too mean you no harm! Let us pass on by!' Failing to acknowledge is treating a human the same way you'd treat a streetlight or a trashcan or something; that's why it feels rude.
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 20:23
|
|
|
I usually just don't say hello first. Most of my office doesn't even acknowledge my existence. What gets me more is when people (usually my family) tell me to say hello after I already did, as though I didn't greet someone "good enough."
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 20:30
|
|
|
How do you guys estimate minimum required greeting range? I hate walking down a corridor, acknowledging someone at a distance, we're both walking towards eachother and that quiet tension of "when do I say hi". Feels like quickdraw at high noon.
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 21:09
|
|
|
HerpicleOmnicron5 posted:How do you guys estimate minimum required greeting range? I hate walking down a corridor, acknowledging someone at a distance, we're both walking towards eachother and that quiet tension of "when do I say hi". Feels like quickdraw at high noon. This is something allistic people can't figure out either. I usually keep my eyes averted until we're just about to pass each other so I can go 'Hi!' and then we're gone and it doesn't have to become a whole thing.
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 21:54
|
|
|
This the general autism thread? I am coming to terms with having it, finding out after masking for nearly 40 years. Semi self-diagnosed, between reading a bunch of books and talking with a therapist. It’s been a weird week of a watershed moment that has brought my so much of my past into focus.
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 22:35
|
|
|
e.pilot posted:This the general autism thread? I am coming to terms with having it, finding out after masking for nearly 40 years. Semi self-diagnosed, between reading a bunch of books and talking with a therapist. It’s been a weird week of a watershed moment that has brought my so much of my past into focus. I'm sure many of us know that feel. For me, it explains a lot but makes me angry that whoever initially diagnosed me with NVLD should have known better somehow
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 22:40
|
|
|
Violet_Sky posted:I'm sure many of us know that feel. For me, it explains a lot but makes me angry that whoever initially diagnosed me with NVLD should have known better somehow given my job I’m glad I’ve never had any mental health diagnoses beyond depression, and even having that in my medical history made getting a medical clearance a chore if I were to be officially diagnosed I’d lose my job, or at the very least be unemployed for a long time while I worked through a shitload of red tape, because the FAA is stuck in the 1950s not that it really matters, just being able to make sense of who I am is an indescribable weight lifted, I don’t need a doctor to definitively tell me I am to feel that
|
|
#
?
Aug 29, 2022 22:45
|
|
|
HopperUK posted:This is something allistic people can't figure out either. I usually keep my eyes averted until we're just about to pass each other so I can go 'Hi!' and then we're gone and it doesn't have to become a whole thing. I like to be paying attention to something else, like my thoughts. That way by the time I notice them the moment is already passed. Ignoring strangers on the street is the way to go.
|
|
#
?
Aug 30, 2022 00:53
|
|
|
e.pilot posted:given my job I’m glad I’ve never had any mental health diagnoses beyond depression, and even having that in my medical history made getting a medical clearance a chore Hello friend, you're not alone! Also lol at an agency overseeing an intricate, highly orchestrated infrastructure system where laser focus and deep subject matter knowledge are major assets deciding it needs fewer autistic folks.
|
|
#
?
Aug 30, 2022 01:01
|
|
|
Quorum posted:Hello friend, you're not alone! I’ve been doing it for a decade now and took to it like a fish to water lol.
|
|
#
?
Aug 30, 2022 02:04
|
|
|
e.pilot posted:given my job I’m glad I’ve never had any mental health diagnoses beyond depression, and even having that in my medical history made getting a medical clearance a chore Self diagnosis is pretty accepted in the community. If you read books or essays written by autistic people and say 'wow this sounds like me' well.
|
|
#
?
Aug 30, 2022 03:01
|
|
|
I think the thing that started the ball rolling for real, for me, was working on a new fleet of laptops at the back of the school library while an autism educator was running a session at the front of the library for the teaching staff. I was half listening but when she started describing “this is what it might be like for an undiagnosed autistic child” my hair stood on end because she could have been describing exactly my life. Before that, it was kind of a family in-joke that I was probably autistic but I hadn’t really thought much or read much about it, apart from a passing mild interest in successful autistic people like Temple Grandin. My feeling of finding “my people” has only increased the more time I spend reading other autistic people’s experiences.
|
|
#
?
Aug 30, 2022 05:24
|
|
|
I think the thing that started the ball rolling for me was being asked (independently and unprompted) by three different autistic friends, "Have you ever considered you might be autistic? Because you really really seem autistic."
|
|
#
?
Aug 30, 2022 05:58
|
|
|
Way back when I used to poke fun of myself for “my ‘tisms” which is apparently not a thing normal people do* After a while I realized that was a bit of an off color joke and I really shouldn’t be making it so I quit and didn’t give it much more thought. Fast forward a few years to now and by random chance I stumbled on the concept of masking autism and fell down the rabbit hole and spent a ton of time researching it (which while reading I found out was a special interest thing) and talking to a therapist about it. I’ve been struggling with anxiety and malaise/depression for well over a year that I could just never figure out the root cause of, life has been objectively going pretty good for me lately, which only fed back into the stress I was feeling, like why are you being sad you dumb bitch things are going great. Come to find out how I’ve been feeling is basically the definition of masking burnout, and it all lined up perfectly with life starting to normalize after the pandemic when I got to hide behind a literal mask for two years with limited social interaction to boot. I started reflecting back on my entire life and all the confusion and awkwardness and on and off depression suddenly clicked. When it all started to make sense I sat and cried tears of relief from the massive weight that had lifted. I’m not broken, I’ve just been subconsciously hiding who I am. It’s been an odd couple of weeks coming to terms with it and noticing more things that I do (like I am now acutely aware of just how much I fidget, legit never noticed it before) I am still fighting with occasional denial about all of it, but the shoe couldn’t possibly fit any better. It definitely has helped talking about it, thankfully my wife and the friends I’ve told have been super supportive. *this was apparently a type of masking coping mechanism as well
|
|
#
?
Aug 30, 2022 06:06
|
|
|
|
| # ? Jun 7, 2024 08:29 |
|
|
Lottery of Babylon posted:I think the thing that started the ball rolling for me was being asked (independently and unprompted) by three different autistic friends, "Have you ever considered you might be autistic? Because you really really seem autistic." Funny how simple seemingly innocent comments like that can turn out to mean so much more.
|
|
#
?
Aug 30, 2022 07:16
|
|