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thathonkey posted:honestly it's going to be hard to beat the current thread title. it's basically perfect in every way I hope 'We have not directly killed you' doesn't become an option. 
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Jan 3, 2024 05:52
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Shithouse Dave posted:E: also the boss’ brother is in town and he just told me I look like a dwarf down the mines looking for leaks to fix in my overalls. That’s not a nice compliment for a lady. Skill issue, try shaving the beard and ditching the miner helmet.
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Jan 3, 2024 06:43
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My job has something called SmartHealth. It's an app to track your workouts and healthy habits. We're getting spammed with emails to start the new year in a healthy new kick! You're supposed to do healthy things and eat healthy and walk the dog and stop smoking and whatever else and input it all into this tracking app (so they can sell it to marketers) every single goddamn day. I have no idea who the target audience is for this, it seems so incredibly insane. I haven't found a single person who signed up for it, though we all get a few emails a month reminding us to download the app it couldn't be easier to start earning your $3/week! That's right, if you successfully complete an entire freaking year of daily journal updates in this app you get a bonus of $150! applied to your health savings account! Woo!
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Jan 3, 2024 06:56
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BigHead posted:My job has something called SmartHealth. It's an app to track your workouts and healthy habits. We're getting spammed with emails to start the new year in a healthy new kick! You're supposed to do healthy things and eat healthy and walk the dog and stop smoking and whatever else and input it all into this tracking app (so they can sell it to marketers) every single goddamn day. I have no idea who the target audience is for this, it seems so incredibly insane. I haven't found a single person who signed up for it, though we all get a few emails a month reminding us to download the app it couldn't be easier to start earning your $3/week! That's right, if you successfully complete an entire freaking year of daily journal updates in this app you get a bonus of $150! applied to your health savings account! Woo! Health insurance companies love things like this because it means they might have to pay less in medical bills. Which means that they're willing to offer HR a tiny discount for every user that signs up, which means Linda really, really wants to get that $10k bonus.
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Jan 3, 2024 06:59
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Are you signing anything that says 'i will be honest'? Can you write a script?
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Jan 3, 2024 07:00
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Outrail posted:Are you signing anything that says 'i will be honest'? Can you write a script? Uh no, I didn't sign up for the terrible marketing ploy.
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Jan 3, 2024 07:17
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BigHead posted:My job has something called SmartHealth. It's an app to track your workouts and healthy habits. We're getting spammed with emails to start the new year in a healthy new kick! You're supposed to do healthy things and eat healthy and walk the dog and stop smoking and whatever else and input it all into this tracking app (so they can sell it to marketers) every single goddamn day. I have no idea who the target audience is for this, it seems so incredibly insane. This is the scene in 1984 where the protagonist does his daily exercise in front of the HR lady and yells at him for not doing it right.
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Jan 3, 2024 07:36
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Outrail posted:Are you signing anything that says 'i will be honest'? Can you write a script? If I could script it, I'd be participating. Our max is $500 in rewards for a similar program. Two of the easiest rewards to get are for standing up and walking around for a minute every hour, and for staying hydrated. Let's pick a day when I have a lot of calls with Global about product-y stuff plus some local business. Call it four meetings. That's four opportunities for each bonus, let's say I only refill my water twice. That means I have to Pick up my phone Unlock it Find and open the app. Navigate to where I log each activity. Log each activity. Six times on that one day alone. It's not that I would pay $500 to skip all that bullshit, it's that I did pay $500 to have my minute or two between meetings all to myself.
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Jan 3, 2024 07:49
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At a friends company they did layoffs were weirdly all the people who had taken the health benefits check-ins were the ones let go, almost like someone high up decided that was a good proxy for "not busy enough"
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Jan 3, 2024 07:58
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The place I worked at briefly last year had a health check in partnership program thing with a private medical insurance provider. If you signed up for it they’d give you an Apple Watch and that was free as long as you did all the check in poo poo and let it monitor all your steps etc. That wouldn’t be so bad except the company had a strict “no personal devices or smart watches on the floor because you might be recording poo poo” policy built into a contract with one of their partners that meant you had to lock all phones/tablets and smartwatches away and only check them on your breaks and lunches, meaning you couldn’t actually earn that free Apple Watch or any of the perks the program offered lol.
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Jan 3, 2024 08:04
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Barudak posted:At a friends company they did layoffs were weirdly all the people who had taken the health benefits check-ins were the ones let go, almost like someone high up decided that was a good proxy for "not busy enough" Previously, at a place that had "take what you need, unlimited personal time that's necessary" policy, I had to defend myself and got punished when I needed a week to be hospitalized after years of working there. Like genuinely having to explain myself afterward with my job on the line despite my family having to call them for me to say I couldn't make it in for a few days because I had a grand mal seizure and was on life support in the ICU. Likewise when I requested one single day off after having to call 911 and had ambulances and EMTs rushing in because I had a major cardiac event that needed attention. I got in a LOT of trouble and had to explain myself to management for missing 1 day for what medical professionals thought could have been a heart attack. "Use our benefits" but if you actually needed them, it was hell.
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Jan 3, 2024 08:14
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We didn't get given an Apple Watch. We did get a $500 Healthy Lifestyle Spending Account for 2023. So my new Apple Watch set me back $12 and change out of pocket.
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Jan 3, 2024 09:08
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17 You are fired.
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Jan 3, 2024 10:30
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This is so small after the last few pages but I keep discovering things now that I run my part of the buisness myself. I thought I'd find out that things were much harder or something but instead I've discovered that our most popular item in the old shop, basic nose rings, cost £1.90 (€2.20) before vat, the price had risen since I'd been manager there, but she was selling them for only €2 because she couldn't be bothered to keep up. After you factor in duty and shipping and the fact she would make me devote piercing time to put them into people's ears and faces, and was making artists stop tattooing to sell them to people, that's a pretty big loss.
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Jan 3, 2024 10:37
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Shoehead posted:This is so small after the last few pages but I keep discovering things now that I run my part of the buisness myself. I thought I'd find out that things were much harder or something but instead I've discovered that our most popular item in the old shop, basic nose rings, cost £1.90 (€2.20) before vat, the price had risen since I'd been manager there, but she was selling them for only €2 because she couldn't be bothered to keep up. After you factor in duty and shipping and the fact she would make me devote piercing time to put them into people's ears and faces, and was making artists stop tattooing to sell them to people, that's a pretty big loss. Fucksake, that’d be an easy 5 quid at least. I’d feel a bit uncomfortable putting a $2 fixture in a hole in my body. As long as they’re safe and sanitary, a bit of markup is kind of a nice reassurance of quality, coming from a punter who knows fuckall about the industry. Piercings and tattoos are things I deeply mistrust when they’re too cheap.
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Jan 3, 2024 10:45
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The material is good too, its very puzzling, and it's not like its a loss leader or something, if we got repeat business out of it it was for replacements. Of course now I had to weigh up if I wanna compete with that and instead I bought slightly different ones to sell for an actual profit so I don't drive people off with my "expensive" nose rings... Oh and I learned over Christmas from a coworker that the old boss had lied to me about a blood test I administered. It's one of those weird things with a blade in it and it pokes your finger and you get a tiny vial of blood, only she couldn't do it to herself and I was like, well I'm a piercer, this is.. emotionally the same work and did it for her. Anyway she'd been claiming it was for counting white cells for Leukemia, but no, according to my coworker it was an at home STI test. She also claimed she got Leukemia from catching a cold?
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Jan 3, 2024 10:57
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Price chart with nose rings and piercing fees separate, and as a set.
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Jan 3, 2024 12:09
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thathonkey posted:here's my foolproof guide to failing upwards at work. if you can just follow these simple steps, you will see your salary double or triple (easily) after just a few cycles. do it enough times, you will be made c-suite. Become an Executive in two easy steps: Mention that you increased your department's productivity 500% over the course of just one year! Do not mention that productivity was reduced 80% when you replaced all the proven processes with bullshit 366 days ago, and spent the next year re-implimenting the new ones.
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Jan 3, 2024 12:31
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Computer viking posted:I will say right off the bat that I read "vapor phase" as in "we did everything we wanted with it and incinerated it", not "vapor-phase liquid nitrogen", since the former is a much more permanent solution. Which set me off in very much the wrong direction. I know this is pages ago, but... does your work have the rat liquidation device? You know, the one from the memes that can turn a rat into slurry but quick?
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Jan 3, 2024 12:40
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Shoehead posted:Oh and I learned over Christmas from a coworker that the old boss had lied to me about a blood test I administered. It's one of those weird things with a blade in it and it pokes your finger and you get a tiny vial of blood, only she couldn't do it to herself and I was like, well I'm a piercer, this is.. emotionally the same work and did it for her. Anyway she'd been claiming it was for counting white cells for Leukemia, but no, according to my coworker it was an at home STI test. She also claimed she got Leukemia from catching a cold? I have never heard of a DIY blood test before (other than diabetic blood sugar testing), but claiming to have leukaemia from getting a cold seems very on-brand for your old boss, and so does a DIY STI test. I’m stoked you’re out of it so you can lol at the continuing insanity from a safe distance, and pass on the lols to goon readers who’ve been following and cheering you on.
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Jan 3, 2024 12:56
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DicktheCat posted:I know this is pages ago, but... does your work have the rat liquidation device? You know, the one from the memes that can turn a rat into slurry but quick? quote:Only the Polytron reduces an entire mouse to a soup-like homogenate in 30 seconds. Sadly no, it's not really something we need to do - we typically have some blood if we want normal cells, and tumor samples for the cancers, and then the rest of the mouse is just discarded. (Presumably incinerated?)
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Jan 3, 2024 14:03
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DicktheCat posted:I know this is pages ago, but... does your work have the rat liquidation device? You know, the one from the memes that can turn a rat into slurry but quick? Yes, it's called a tissue homogenizer. I'm pretty sure we have one that can do a cat because of the toxicology folks.
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Jan 3, 2024 14:09
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BigHead posted:My job has something called SmartHealth. It's an app to track your workouts and healthy habits. We're getting spammed with emails to start the new year in a healthy new kick! You're supposed to do healthy things and eat healthy and walk the dog and stop smoking and whatever else and input it all into this tracking app (so they can sell it to marketers) every single goddamn day. I have no idea who the target audience is for this, it seems so incredibly insane. I haven't found a single person who signed up for it, though we all get a few emails a month reminding us to download the app it couldn't be easier to start earning your $3/week! That's right, if you successfully complete an entire freaking year of daily journal updates in this app you get a bonus of $150! applied to your health savings account! Woo! yeah i get automated emails about poo poo like this all the time at work. straight to trash not a single word read. love our health care situation in the usa
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Jan 3, 2024 14:53
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thathonkey posted:yeah i get automated emails about poo poo like this all the time at work. straight to trash not a single word read. love our health care situation in the usa I like to flag emails like that as phishing. And just quietly delete the obvious "this is a security test" fake phishing emails they send out like weekly.
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Jan 3, 2024 15:49
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Cthulu Carl posted:I like to flag emails like that as phishing. And just quietly delete the obvious "this is a security test" fake phishing emails they send out like weekly. This was the dumb poo poo my work did this week. Right after the holidays I got an email from the correct IT@company address with all the correct formatting and links that apparently pointed to the correct URLs for IT's ticket stuff in our internal system. It was addressed directly to me, using the specific version of my first name that I go by day to day rather than the full version in my email (so, something like Matt instead of Matthew). Subject was something about my new laptop being ready. I am scheduled for a new laptop. My boss has been talking about this for a while, because I do some meeting poo poo where my current ancient laptop has been a real detriment. I was told at the end of the year to expect someone from IT to reach out to me to get the ball rolling right after New Years. But surprise this was a phishing test! The link I clicked apparently had a cleverly hidden redirect inside it. I dunno, I didn't care to sleuth that much. All I can say is that it looked like our normal internal IT communications and passed most of the obvious phishing bullshit. So now I had to take time out of my post-holiday deck clearing to take mandatory anti-phishing training that took a goddamned hour. Congrats guys! You got me! You have also just trained me to mark all correspondence from IT@company as phishing! Surely this won't be a problem in the future!
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Jan 3, 2024 16:20
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Azuth0667 posted:Yes, it's called a tissue homogenizer. I'm pretty sure we have one that can do a cat because of the toxicology folks. 
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Jan 3, 2024 16:23
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If the email came from the valid IT email address it's not phishing, it's that IT has been compromised and you've got an external agent with access to your systems. They've basically just told everyone that if actual IT ever does their job you should report it as phishing
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Jan 3, 2024 16:23
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Shoehead posted:Oh and I learned over Christmas from a coworker that the old boss had lied to me about a blood test I administered. It's one of those weird things with a blade in it and it pokes your finger and you get a tiny vial of blood, only she couldn't do it to herself and I was like, well I'm a piercer, this is.. emotionally the same work and did it for her. Anyway she'd been claiming it was for counting white cells for Leukemia, but no, according to my coworker it was an at home STI test. She also claimed she got Leukemia from catching a cold? 100% was expecting her to just keep a gross vial of blood and put it in a necklace or something
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Jan 3, 2024 16:26
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Cthulu Carl posted:I like to flag emails like that as phishing. And just quietly delete the obvious "this is a security test" fake phishing emails they send out like weekly. Same. Especially since the links to "would you like to know more" all have a mimecast or barracuda prefix so I can just comment "the URL looks suspicious" Sometime mid year I stopped getting anything from IT or the subscription. I thought it was company-wide, but nope, just me.
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Jan 3, 2024 16:31
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My current client is giving me cheevos and level ups for noticing the blindly obvious phishing training mails. That's definitely going in my CV when I'm done.
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Jan 3, 2024 16:39
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z. prime, phishing spotter, level 99
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Jan 3, 2024 16:50
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My company does some wellness achievements nonsense also, where if you do enough stuff then you get something like $60/month off of your insurance. You can get the required number of points basically just by clicking buttons on a web site regularly and the discount adds up to real money so I do it.
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Jan 3, 2024 17:21
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withak posted:My company does some wellness achievements nonsense also, where if you do enough stuff then you get something like $60/month off of your insurance. You can get the required number of points basically just by clicking buttons on a web site regularly and the discount adds up to real money so I do it. My wife had a job like this about a decade ago, and I was on her health insurance so I had to do all that poo poo. I never lied on it, but some of the crap you could do for points was banal in the extreme. They had a whole mindfulness section that was just clicking through PDFs and then saying "oh yeah I totally have spent 30 minutes a day being mindful and reflecting on my mental health. Yep every day in the last six months." I think I also got a ton of traction out of walking. Not like, going on a walk, just having to walk to the university and getting maybe a mile of on-campus back and forth in over the course of a day. Saying you walk ~2 miles a day was worth a ton and got me all sorts of points and cheevos. Note that this is also the period that I was at my most unhealthy, due mostly to eating and drinking like a grad student.
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Jan 3, 2024 17:43
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My work actually has an incentive to walk or bike to the office. $2/trip which works out to $1000/ year if walking and biking is your jam. It was super useful during the before times and the folks who voluntarily go into the office still use it. You just had to fill out a single easy piece of paper once a month and email it to Amy in HR and your paycheck gets a few extra bucks. I don't know that anyone tracked it but Amy is a saint, nobody would lie to her. Plus you just parked a block or two away and walked in and nobody knew the difference.
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Jan 3, 2024 17:48
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Cyrano4747 posted:This was the dumb poo poo my work did this week. Shame on you for not..... assuming the entire IT dept and helpdesk system was compromised? Holy poo poo, they have completely missed the entire point of phishing training, to the point where I assume someone on your security team is trying to boost their metrics for 2024. "We had 500 people click through at the start of the year, but now it's only six!" Here's a pro tip for phishing tests: They're usually done through a security company like Knowbe4, so set up an Outlook rule that searches for "knowbe4" in the headers and sends those emails to their own special folder. Related work dumbness: A coworker had passed away, so an email was sent to the whole company letting everyone know the sad news. Except that the email was sent to everyone's quarantine folder after a few minutes. Turns out Knowbe4's Outlook plugin has its own separate spam filter that the security team had dropped the ball on properly configuring!
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Jan 3, 2024 18:00
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ponzicar posted:"We had 500 people click through at the start of the year, but now it's only six!" Honestly this makes a disturbing amount of sense. It would not surprise me at all if this was the answer.
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Jan 3, 2024 18:04
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Johnny Truant posted:100% was expecting her to just keep a gross vial of blood and put it in a necklace or something Ooohh like her bag of human hair!
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Jan 3, 2024 20:22
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Shoehead posted:Ooohh like her bag of human hair! 
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Jan 3, 2024 20:25
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Buddy, we just changed the topic.
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Jan 3, 2024 20:46
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Dear any and all business owners: It's one thing to have small personal packages delivered to your business, but when you have a whole-rear end air fryer delivered when I'm in the middle of setting up for a major process, while we have two pallets of malt AND a pallet with a brand-new heat exchanger already taking up space in the brewery, you need to loving stop. Just have your personal mail delivered to your personal address, you lazy loving babies.
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