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one day a guy got out of bed. he stretched and yawned and said gosh that was a pretty dang good sleep i had. he walked into the master bedroom en suite which his wife had insisted on. his wife...he missed her. she turned into a grasshopper 3 years ago this Thursday and he hadn't even gone on a single date since. he missed his grasshopper wife. grasshoppers don't live for very long. they are pretty cool though if you really think about it. hop. hop. hop.
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Jul 4, 2020 03:33
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| # ? Jun 7, 2024 08:00 |
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The end.
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Jul 4, 2020 03:35
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do I close the thread?
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Jul 4, 2020 03:36
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You tell me. It's your dream.
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Jul 4, 2020 03:38
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BUT THEN SUDDENLY
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Jul 4, 2020 03:40
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Jul 4, 2020 03:46
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EorayMel posted:BUT THEN SUDDENLY The man woke up with an unusually large boner. His boner was so ungainly that he had trouble getting out of bed, and his boner knocked the lamp off his night stand.
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Jul 4, 2020 03:46
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That man was not Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka, noted abuser of women, because his dick is small and smells of prawns
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Jul 4, 2020 03:48
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the old man (he's old) put the lamp back where it was "ah morty, morty, morty," he said, scolding himself "morty, morty, morty, morty, morty, morty, morty..." he sighed. "morty... morty," the old man, morty, said, as he put his slippers on he began a slow, shuffling walk out into the hallway "morty," said morty, "morty."
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Jul 4, 2020 03:55
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I dunno Sid, this already had a thrilling twist and a satisfying conclusion. what's more to say?
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Jul 4, 2020 03:56
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Cubone posted:the old man (he's old) put the lamp back where it was The old man (so old) shuffled himself to the kitchen and eventually came to rest in front of the refrigerator. He opened it, pondered the contents for a moment, then sighed heavily. He reached in and clasped a half empty jar of pickles. Suddenly in one fluid motion he tore the lid off the jar and began violently having sex with it. Brine sloshed everywhere coating his loins, spilling on the floor, and half mangled pickles flew all about as he humped screaming, "THIS IS HUMOR NOW! THIS IS FUNNY! PICKLES! HOW WACKY!"
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Jul 4, 2020 03:59
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An then he turned into a praying mantis. Being a new convert, he really took it to heart
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Jul 4, 2020 04:01
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Well gently caress me standing. 
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Jul 4, 2020 04:09
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Fabulousity posted:The old man (so old) shuffled himself to the kitchen and eventually came to rest in front of the refrigerator. He opened it, pondered the contents for a moment, then sighed heavily. Suddenly, the old man stopped loving the jar. He felt a prickle across the hairs on the back of his neck, a sense of being watched. Slowly, he lifted his head to look around, the wide mouth of the jar still enveloping his substantially weighty cock and balls. There! On the window sill, a single grasshopper eyed him with interest. “Lidia?” The old man croaked. The grasshopper chirped once, and hopped away.
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Jul 6, 2020 00:17
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Feeling a mixture of shame and horror, the old man removed his now flaccid penis from the jar. Looking around at the violated pickles he suddenly had a flash of inspiration. "Why don't I visit that new hot dog shack in town? Doodie's I think it's called."
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Jul 6, 2020 00:30
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sid you won't accept information on tapirs. i will not collaborate with you
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Jul 6, 2020 00:41
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Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:sid you won't accept information on tapirs. i will not collaborate with you said Doodie
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Jul 6, 2020 00:45
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Deep water rises. Abandon your spire. It is coming.
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Jul 6, 2020 00:52
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biglads posted:Feeling a mixture of shame and horror, the old man removed his now flaccid penis from the jar. Looking around at the violated pickles he suddenly had a flash of inspiration. Doodie's Hot Dog Shack was a hoppin' place as usual. All the coolest cats were there. Jack Tom, Funky Joe, Billy Boobs, and, of course, Cranston T. Pumpkinmeyer the Fifth. The old man bellied up to the counter. "Gimme one Doodie Dog," said the old man.
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Jul 6, 2020 01:01
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The hot dog shack employee grabbed a hot dog bun, spread it open, pulled down his pants, squatted, and took a perfect poo poo right into the hot dog bun. He then pulled up his pants without wiping, grabbed a squeeze bottle of ketchup and a squeeze bottle of mustard, and drew two perfect lines simultaneously along the inside of the top bun. He then grabbed a pinch of diced onions out of a serving tray, and with one smooth motion, twisted his fingers and perfectly sprinkled the diced onions on top of the turd in the hot dog bun. "One Doodie Dog, that'll be $2!" he said.
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Jul 6, 2020 01:24
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All of a sudden, a voice calls out from behind, saying:
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Jul 6, 2020 01:29
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Applewhite posted:Doodie's Hot Dog Shack was a hoppin' place as usual. All the coolest cats were there. Jack Tom, Funky Joe, Billy Boobs, and, of course, Cranston T. Pumpkinmeyer the Fifth. Richard ambled from behind the kitchen holding a red tray with an open faced hotdog bun. He rubbed his rather pregnant looking gut. "Doodie Dogs are made with the finests Goldbelly ingredients." Placing the tray on the floor and stancing like a sumo wrestler it becomes apparent that Richard isn't wearing any pants. Using three fingers on each side of his loose, rubbery, well-worn rear end in a top hat he stretches with a visible lack of effort. Sloughing out of his rear end in a top hat and onto the bun: Mod edit- Logan has asked that this photo not be posted. (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST) Somebody fucked around with this message at 16:11 on Jul 6, 2020 |
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Jul 6, 2020 01:34
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After that, Richard dissolved into a mass of writhing worms. His parasites could no longer stand him, because he was a SO beating rear end in a top hat, and as a side note, it seems that Richard was naught but a writhing mass of parasites in a human skin suit. His parasites then left the house, and
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Jul 6, 2020 01:40
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He started beating his meat cause he had nothing else to beat. He then
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Jul 6, 2020 01:42
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drunkenmonkeystyle posted:He started beating his meat cause he had nothing else to beat. He then sighed and drew his katana
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Jul 6, 2020 01:44
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the moon started calling to earth and it was making a noise like fwooooooooooom
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Jul 6, 2020 01:44
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Sid Vicious posted:the moon started calling to earth and it was making a noise like fwooooooooooom Earth picked up the phone: “Hello?” “Yo pops, I got a favor to ask.”
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Jul 6, 2020 01:50
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DarkSoulsTantrum posted:Earth picked up the phone: “Hello?” "Will you change my diaper?"
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Jul 6, 2020 01:53
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And I start the story by opening the book halfway. "Good afternoon, I say," says Otis, warily, as the afternoon beats down upon his back. "Things are certainly beginning here, but in the middle kind of style." The story continues as another person does something, but Otis paid no mind.
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Jul 6, 2020 02:24
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At that very same moment, ten thousand miles above the Earth's surface, Major Jack Thunderhawk didn't know or care what was going on with any of the other characters that had been introduced thus far. As a galaxy-famous fighting ace and holomovie star he couldn't trouble himself with the petty squabbles of some monkeys on whatever dumpster of a planet his ship was speeding past. No, it was time for Jake Thunderhorse to do what he did best: two chicks at the same time.
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Jul 6, 2020 02:49
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And suddenly, Lowtax woke from his dream, his parasites ate all his bones and now he was a hideous slime monster. He could do nothing except creep along the floor, to the front door, and he crawled his way to the convenient stores of Speedway. The clerk looked with deepest horror at the hideous blob of skin and ridiculous hair squeezed into her store from the outside, and once it was fully inside, she could hear a terrible chant. "..Goldbelly..", "'...:wheezes: GOLDBELLY", now it screamed, "I'm INTERNET FAMOUS COMEDIAN LOWTAX.. BRING ME GOLDBELLY", the clerk screamed in terror, but it was too late.. the ghoulish slime launched himself down her agape mouth and began taking over her body, he, no.. she now wondered what should be done next.. Edit: I'm so sorry.. Synthetic Dreams fucked around with this message at 03:05 on Jul 6, 2020 |
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Jul 6, 2020 02:56
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Keep on rolling he told me. I didn't understand at the time, but it was his way of telling me to never give up. Now, because of the his words I ended up becoming 3 time world champion in hot dog eating. Also it's responsible for my 4 heart attacks.
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Jul 6, 2020 03:16
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You run across the fields and forests searching for a deer. You eventually find one and throw a knife at its head. You laugh maniacally as you watch the blood splatter all over the place. You run back to your cabin and collapse on the floor
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Jul 6, 2020 03:19
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"Oh dear..." you say to yourself.
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Jul 6, 2020 04:14
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I think I might've sent Pick the sexmachine instead of Lowtax... my god, that means Lowtax has been receiving those cookies! you realize, shocked and horrified.
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Jul 6, 2020 04:27
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"wait, when did this story switch to the second person present tense?" you say out loud, scratching your butt
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Jul 6, 2020 06:21
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"You know that already, stop being an rear end in a top hat", your butt answers. You scratch some more and feel something twitching. You pull a half crushed but still living grasshopper out of your bunghole.
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Jul 6, 2020 08:46
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And than general Jack Thunderdome steered his space locomotive into
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Jul 6, 2020 09:01
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the Space Twin Towers. "Oh God, oh God no it's happening again!" shouted Jack. "Oh gently caress, if they find out I'm on space cocaine they'll lock me up for life. I need to find somebody to take the fall." Searching through the destroyed locomotive, Jack dragged a corpse into the front of the train. Unfortunately...
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Jul 6, 2020 17:30
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A Fancy Hat posted:the Space Twin Towers. the corpse was still a little too fresh to be a corpse. One might say it was still alive, even. Now Jack had a humdinger of a conundrum. Should he just pretend he didn’t notice it breathing? drat those were some fine titties though. It’d be a real shame to leave those for dead. A scarf covered the face of the unconscious body. Jack reached down to unwrap it, slowly revealing...
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Jul 6, 2020 17:38
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