- TwistedLadder
- Mar 16, 2011
-
The only Disney Princess with a body count... in the thousands.
|
I could, but I'd need Toby Jones making awkward sound effects in the background
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 06:48
|
|
- Adbot
-
ADBOT LOVES YOU
|
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2024 19:45
|
|
- SweetMercifulCrap!
- Jan 28, 2012
-
-
Lipstick Apathy
|
I honestly genuinely think its among the best movie reviews on the net. I wish Rotten Tomatoes and Metacritic would recognize it as such. I guess that makes it kind of out of place on this website.
SweetMercifulCrap! fucked around with this message at 07:05 on May 27, 2014
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 07:02
|
|
- Dissapointed Owl
- Jan 30, 2008
-
You wrote me a letter,
and this is how it went:
|
I could, but I'd need Toby Jones making awkward sound effects in the background
i insist he dubs the both of us as well, not just fist a watermelon
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 07:03
|
|
- Rando
- Mar 11, 2004
-
by Fluffdaddy
|
More filthy watermelon talk, please.
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 07:08
|
|
- Fuck Your Website
- Nov 29, 2003
-
FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOUR WEBSITE
|
pet island. the worst thing about sa is pet island
This
Cut it loose for the good of the whole, its festering reek poisons all it touches
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 07:12
|
|
- Dissapointed Owl
- Jan 30, 2008
-
You wrote me a letter,
and this is how it went:
|
.
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 07:23
|
|
- Frostwerks
- Sep 24, 2007
-
by Lowtax
|
whats this making rhyming fun of
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 07:27
|
|
- Rap Music and Dope
- Dec 25, 2010
-
For some reason Euros really suck to
|
Yes that's the joke idiot. Movies r all poo poo idk why ppl spend money on em
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 07:55
|
|
- Nog
- May 15, 2006
-
|
Current Releases
"Eh, what's that? You want to let the girl go back in time? Nah, nah, we can't do that! Everybody knows women can't be time travellers on accounta their uhh... y'know, their period cycles. Yeah, ladies go through time and their bodies get all de-synched and it's just a mess, you gotta just send Wolverine, leave the phasey-girl at home, it's for her own good. We put that in a movie, girls are gonna try time travelling themselves, and that's dangerous." - Harold Gorman, Hollywood Foreman, reviewing an early draft of this script
-
There's a bizarre running theme of problems in the world not mattering until the exact moment that the American military starts to take notice. This would read as satire, but the bizarre message that comes through is that the country is failing to connect to its masculinity because it has collective daddy issues. Put your faith in God(zilla) and the world will find balance. If this movie is to be believed, humanity is just trying way too hard.
Ultimately, Godzilla is just another movie for men with daddy issues. It's like The Lego Movie all over again, mistakenly reappropriating a cultural phenomenon or national mood for a need in all men to reconnect with a previous generation of men. Women are forgotten about in this movie; wives and children are there to be protected. The relationships men need to focus on are the broken ones with their reincarnated dinosaur dads.
-
Spider-Man is a time capsule of a film that has not aged well. Particularly embarrassing is the incredibly ugly and silly-looking first fight scene between Spider-Man and the Goblin in Times Square. It's poorly shot, filled with silly-looking CGI, and contains absolutely no tension at all. Of course, when you line that up against The Avengers' NYC fight scene, you will realize that we have learned basically nothing. We've swapped out our Damsels In Distress for Women In Refrigerators, but if anything that feels like a step backwards. Still, there's enough charm to Raimi's first film that I can't completely condemn it, and in my mind it basically exists so that we could get Spider-Man 2. That one contains 100% less Chad Kroeger.
-
With all of that in mind, it is hard to figure out just who this movie is for. It seems uninterested in garnering the attention of a young audience, unconcerned with branching out to a non-male, non-white demographic and weirdly unprepared to broaden its horizons beyond America. There is a recurring joke about Europeans having long lunch breaks and paid vacations, but who's laughing really? I can just imagine Bobin and Stoller sniggering about the NHS. "Hahaha, they all get health care no matter what. How amusing and un-American."
-
History aside, these issues deeply affect the film's structure. Sometimes it feels like everyone is in such a rush to get through the plot that they can't be bothered to stop and smell the roses. At other times, there is so much arbitrary rose-smelling that you just wish they'd get a bloody move on. We could do with spending more time early on focussing on our lead character, Ôishi, rather than watching Kai struggle with alienation, desperate for approval and falling in love with Mika. Oh, the struggles of the white man!
Before the film even gets going, we have to sit through an interminably long and dense prologue that throws characters, conflicts and dilemmas at us and takes approximately thirty minutes just to set up a simple, dull, damsel in distress/revenge scenario. It's a massive buildup to a terrible, lazy payoff. Once Ôishi emerges from the pit, we think we're in for a good action romp as we look into the eyes of Hiroyuki Sanada, hell bent on bloody vengeance. Finally, this thing is settling down into a rhythm, we think. Our hero is going to go and kick some smug villain arse. Well, no. Because 47 Ronin still hasn't decided if it wants to be Pirates of the Carribean, 300 or The Seven Samurai and keeps trying to juggle all three.
This is never clearer than in the third act where Kai's climactic battle with the unnamed witch stomps all over Ôishi's final act of vengeance again the smirking Kira, reducing it to a footnote while Keanu gets to take all the glory and rescue the princess. The result? Extreme dissatisfaction. The third act is robbed of any and all potential power.
Structural issues aside, there are yet more problems in 47 Ronin. You may have noticed already that the only two female characters are an evil, seductive witch and a damsel in distress. In fact, the main point of tension in the film is that the titular ronin must stop Kira before he marries Mika. Because, as we all know, once a woman is married she immediately dies.
It's a shame, because they assembled an excellent cast of Japanese stars to perform this rubbish. Hiroyuki Sanada carries the film wonderfully, or would if he were allowed to room to. Pacific Rim's Rinko Kikuchi is excellently hammy as a nameless, problematic character. Even Keanu Reeves does his best to elevate the slim material he is given, having apparently wandered into the wrong movie by mistake and being allowed to stick around. Nothing can save this mess of a film, though.
-
Non-Stop makes the reverse move; turning the money-craving opportunist into an actual terrorist with a political agenda, albeit one that doesn't make much sense. One could almost understand the wrong-headed reasoning of our mysterious terrorist buddy, rebelling against the American culture of anti-terrorism by validating it with an act of terrorism on a British airliner headed for London, when you see that it maybe is a result of PTSD compounded by already-existing mental issues and can be treated with methods other than being shot in the face by Liam Neeson. There's nothing inherently wrong with alienating your audience -- I do it all the time, after all -- but you can't expect to keep an entire multiplex audience, especially an international (read: non-American) audience interested when you make a bizarre political statement through movie violence. Even more so when you seem to be trying to vindicate racial profiling and an over-zealous obsession with national security.
-
The female planes are apparently designed by someone who has no idea what a female plane would look like. The idea of introducing gendered identities to normally non-gendered objects so often treats the familiar as inherently masculine. Female planes are painted hot pink and granted the enlarged, fluttery eyelashes so often used to distinguish women from men in lazily drawn cartoons. "Look at that propellor," declares Dusty and he gets a look at one of the ladyplanes' rear end. In one scene, the film even eroticises the tilting of wingflaps for a disturbingly long time. You could argue that it is a joke. I would argue that it enforces the idea of objectifying women to all the five-year-old boys in the audience by applying it to literal objects who have gender but no sex. Gotta start them off early, after all.
In a film so concerned with class division, racial stereotypes and gender-inequality, it seems odd that the heavy-handed "moral" of the story would be that Dusty's success is an inspiration to all the little guys who were designed to be less but who can learn to try to become more somehow. It's like the persistent right-wing (ha) argument that minorities already have equality and that by insisting that they do not, these groups are merely seeking to gain an upper hand. The belief is that these people are naturally unequal and can only be considered equal in legal terms, because the truth as they see it is that anyone who is not society's favourite is only in a marginalised position because they can never aspire to truly be more than they are allowed to be.
-
I'll get my complaints out of the way now, so I can end on a positive note: Amber Heard's character is just& just ridiculous. For about five seconds, you think that she might not be an action star femme fatale using sex as a weapon because of EMPOWERMENT, but of course she becomes that, because that's one of the only three types of women Luc Besson knows how to write. (The other two are Sexually Curious Naive Angry Teen and Leeloo Dallas Multipass) Zoey, of course, plays the SCNAT role here, and she fares far better, as the story is opened up to allow a growing father-daughter interaction. However, while I applaud the film for not going the full-Taken route and having Zoey wind up kidnapped and at the mercy of the bad guys, it still takes a brief terrible turn and puts her in an attempted gang-rape situation so that Ethan can save her, which is immediately glossed over. Four hours later, he's teaching her to ride a bike. As a reminder, last time I watched a Besson movie, we were graced with the Mafia's apparent Wife-Rape rule. The dude has some issues when it comes to women.
-
and everything in these:
http://www.somethingawful.com/current-movie-reviews/amazing-spider-man2/3/
http://www.somethingawful.com/current-movie-reviews/need-for-speed/2/
http://www.somethingawful.com/current-movie-reviews/man-of-steel/2/
There's probably way more but I already spent eight minutes finding these
lol this is p hilarious reading, where can i find more of this?
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 08:00
|
|
- Rap Music and Dope
- Dec 25, 2010
-
For some reason Euros really suck to
|
Declares dusty as he looks at one of the female planes rear ends. Look at that propeller.
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 08:12
|
|
- Professor Clumsy
- Sep 12, 2008
-
It is a while still till Sunrise - and in the daytime I sleep, my dear fellow, I sleep the very deepest of sleeps...
|
Actually it's good.
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 08:31
|
|
- Split Pea Superman
- Dec 16, 2010
-
by FactsAreUseless
-
Fun Shoe
|
I know it's page 2 and all, but i checked, and no one said tl:dr yet so here it is
tl:dr
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 09:07
|
|
- whiter than a Wilco show
- Mar 30, 2011
-
by FactsAreUseless
|
Yes that's the joke idiot. Movies r all poo poo idk why ppl spend money on em
Are you a movie?
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 10:26
|
|
- Vargs
- Mar 27, 2010
-
|
ctrl+f "your posting"
phrase not found
wtf
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 10:31
|
|
- whoflungpoop
- Sep 9, 2004
-
With you and the constellations
|
Movies r all poo poo idk why ppl spend money on em
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 10:39
|
|
- Bloody Hedgehog
- Dec 12, 2003
-
💥💥🤯💥💥
Gotta nuke something
|
Weren't they complaining a while back that they were having trouble trying to break into mainstream reviewing and getting into papers and such? Yeah big surprise. Papers don't want to print poo poo from reviewers with their heads miles up their own rear end.
Which is the one too that thinks everything is a penis? It's all penises, everything represents penises.
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 10:44
|
|
- The MSJ
- May 17, 2010
-
|
Weren't they complaining a while back that they were having trouble trying to break into mainstream reviewing and getting into papers and such? Yeah big surprise. Papers don't want to print poo poo from reviewers with their heads miles up their own rear end.
Which is the one too that thinks everything is a penis? It's all penises, everything represents penises.
Aren't you the guy who confused gay people with alpha male ultra bros who bully gay people?
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 10:48
|
|
- Bloody Hedgehog
- Dec 12, 2003
-
💥💥🤯💥💥
Gotta nuke something
|
Aren't you the guy who confused gay people with alpha male ultra bros who bully gay people?
No, that was Lowtax.
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 10:53
|
|
- True Love
- May 26, 2014
-
by XyloJW
|
All jokes a side, that was a pretty good assessment of American film. White women are treated so horribly in films by the white directors,producers,writers,ect. Why don't they try black men?!?!
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 11:01
|
|
- get that OUT of my face
- Feb 10, 2007
-
|
this wasn't something in a current releases article, but i did see someone else complain about how the two young Indian characters in Million Dollar arm were "the only two indians hollywood could find"
this is probably the same kind of person who complains when white people take roles of characters that are minorities. bitch at least they're trying
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 11:26
|
|
- spaceships
- Aug 4, 2005
-
i love too dumptruck
guacamole aficionado
|
Which is the one too that thinks everything is a penis? It's all penises, everything represents penises.
excuse me are you saying that not everything is penises
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 11:31
|
|
- get that OUT of my face
- Feb 10, 2007
-
|
having never looked at pet island i'm bewildered by the fact that a forum about dogs, cats, and other cool pets is apparently horrible. but leave it to goons
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 11:42
|
|
- Dissapointed Owl
- Jan 30, 2008
-
You wrote me a letter,
and this is how it went:
|
Which is the one too that thinks everything is a penis? It's all penises, everything represents penises.
True of life as well.
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 14:06
|
|
- Lumpy the Cook
- Feb 4, 2011
-
Drippy-goo-yay, mother-gunker!
|
Ha ha ha ha this was moved from GBS to QCS but Ralp didn't want it either so he gave it back to Abe.
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 15:22
|
|
- spaceships
- Aug 4, 2005
-
i love too dumptruck
guacamole aficionado
|
ralp didn't want to deal with the bad opinions
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 15:25
|
|
- Fuck Your Website
- Nov 29, 2003
-
FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOUR WEBSITE
|
having never looked at pet island i'm bewildered by the fact that a forum about dogs, cats, and other cool pets is apparently horrible. but leave it to goons
That's all code speak. Really it's about slavery, everyone in PI is a horrible racist who thinks owning ppl is aok
"Dogs" and "cats" etc are standins for people of different races, I'll leave it to you to work out which
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 15:27
|
|
- SweetMercifulCrap!
- Jan 28, 2012
-
-
Lipstick Apathy
|
Weren't they complaining a while back that they were having trouble trying to break into mainstream reviewing and getting into papers and such? Yeah big surprise. Papers don't want to print poo poo from reviewers with their heads miles up their own rear end.
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 16:27
|
|
- Alaois
- Feb 7, 2012
-
|
Who are these fellows, wanting to get their reviews published in my paper? Well send me a sample of their work *gets sent the Current Releases review of Skyline* what the gently caress is this
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 17:13
|
|
- General Dog
- Apr 26, 2008
-
Everybody's working for the weekend
|
The only sin a reviewer can commit is being boring, imo. If you want to write 3000 words on Freddie Got Fingered being an absurdist masterpiece, then go wild.
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 17:17
|
|
- spaceships
- Aug 4, 2005
-
i love too dumptruck
guacamole aficionado
|
everything is bad
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 17:18
|
|
- James Hardon
- May 31, 2006
-
|
Agreed, OP. I really look forward to your weekly justifications for your degree in Women's Studies w/ minor in Film Criticism.
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 17:19
|
|
- Portable Staplefrog
- May 21, 2007
-
|
The only sin a reviewer can commit is being boring, imo. If you want to write 3000 words on Freddie Got Fingered being an absurdist masterpiece, then go wild.
This is the post I was going to make (more or less) and now don't have to.
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 17:51
|
|
- Adbot
-
ADBOT LOVES YOU
|
|
|
#
?
Jun 8, 2024 19:45
|
|
#
?
May 27, 2014 06:48
