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Jim replaces Dwight’s albuterol inhaler with 100% pharmaceutical grade clown gas. This triggers Dwight’s previously well-controlled bipolar disorder, leading to him (Dwight) believing he is invincible, and he dies after leaping Icarus-like from the top of the Bank Towers Building, the tallest building in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Jim floppily mugs at me in the corners of my vision for looking up what the tallest building in Scranton is. Nigmaetcetera fucked around with this message at 13:19 on May 16, 2024 |
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May 16, 2024 11:37
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| # ? Jun 2, 2024 07:15 |
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Jim places his hand on Dwight's shoulder and doesn't move it away ever again
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May 16, 2024 11:43
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Jim tells Dwight to sit in the back of the school bus because "that's where's the biggest bumps." (Note: Dwight and Jim are both adults working for Dunder-Mifflin. They're riding the school bus because they're attending a job fair at Scranton High School) Dwight, ever the thrill seeker, follows Jim's advice and sits in the far back of the bus. Jim mugs for the camera as the bus drives over the hidden springboard Jim has installed under the road and Dwight is launched through the roof of the bus and into the stratosphere along with Jim and several children.
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May 16, 2024 13:15
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"Man, can you believe that the new hit movie IF comes out THIS FRIDAY? The hype is real, folks, this feels like the freakin' Avengers are back or something!" "I dunno, Jim," Kevin says, not taking his eyes off the screen, "it doesn't seem that good. All those celebrities voicing the imaginary friends? I dunno, seems like pandering to me. Why not get an actual cast of voice actors for some of them? I mean, Steve Carell is okay, I guess. But Blake Lively? I mean, I liked The Shallows well enough, but c'mon, she's no voice actress." "Sure, Kev," Jim grunts, "but what about the rest of the film? I mean, it's a magical adventure all about recapturing your childhood! Didn't you have an imaginary friend? Wouldn't it be WILD if you could still see him?" "I did and I still do," Kevin says with a warm smile. "My imaginary friend is floating outside the window right now. Baron von Jellybelly, he's a flying jellyfish with a mustache and monocle. You can't miss him." Jim is taken aback. Surely Kevin's joking, but that doesn't seem like something Kevin's normally wont to do. Jim leans out the window and looks up. A plastic grocery bag has been caught up in the gutter. Jim lets out a relieved sigh, Kevin's just being his usual stupid self. "Suuuuuure, Kev," Jim says, patting Kevin on the back. "Hey, tell the Baron he's doing a great job, ha ha ha!" As Jim walks away, Kevin looks out the window. Baron Von Jellybelly leans in close and telepathically speaks to Kevin. "It's almost time, Kevin. The time of the jellyfish is almost here." Kevin smiles and nods.
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May 16, 2024 15:31
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Jim replaces all of Dwight's condoms with Australian Man-of-war jellyfish. Jim stands beneath Dwight's bedroom window with his hand cupped around his ear. He smirks at the camera as the sound of Dwight's agonized screams fill the night air. "Sounds like the Time of the Jellyfish has come!" quips Jim.
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May 16, 2024 18:01
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Jim says he's perfected the "one inch punch", a powerful martial arts technique that lets him have "maximum punching power" with only an inch of distance needed. Jim keeps awkwardly trying to punch, but seems flustered. "It's just... hmmmm.... Dwight, do you think you could help?" Rolling his eyes, Dwight says he'll do what he can. "I just... I just need something that's one inch long. Hmmmm. Do you have anything that small? I'm betting you do, right?" Jim mugs for the camera.
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May 16, 2024 18:27
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Jim sets up a series of scripts on his computer to constantly buy tickets to the new movie IF, out this Friday in theaters nationwide. "If this thing doesn't beat projections... gently caress me, I'm in trouble..." This causes the internet around the entire office to slow to a crawl, including for Dwight, who is just trying to read a goddamn article about beets over his lunch break. "Come on, baby," Jim says through gritted teeth, "keep those tickets flowing. We gotta crack 40 million this weekend, come on, Daddy needs that 4 picture deal secured!" Dwight frowns as a photo of a rare pearlescent beet refuses to load.
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May 16, 2024 19:25
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Dwight leaves his windows rolled down to let the interior of his brand new Hellcat off-gas. Jim tosses a handful of cracked corn into the car, an when Dwight goes to leave in the afternoon his interior is crowded with ducks. The ducks have destroyed his new car. The runny duck crap gunks up every button and knob, and the duck urine has attracted the attention of foxes and other woodland predators. While Dwight attempts to shoo away the ducks, he isn't paying attention to a full grown bobcat stalking him. "What a day, how could this get any worse" says Dwight, unaware of how much worse his day is about to get.
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May 16, 2024 22:59
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Jim uses a black mirror to create a shadow Dwight that is the opposite of Dwight in every way. Shadow Dwight is as cruel as Dwight is kind, as selfish as Dwight is generous, and as evil as Dwight is good. Shadow Dwight also walks on his hands instead of his feet and breathes water instead of air. Shadow Dwight asphyxiates within minutes of leaving the black mirror. Jim clucks his tongue and puts his fists on his hips as he looks down at Shadow Dwight's corpse. After a few seconds Jim shrugs and chalks this up as a prank on Dwight.
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May 17, 2024 03:22
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Jim takes a side job and shows up to the office wearing thick framed glasses and frequently shuffles his new thick rimmed glasses around, pinching the top of the frame, always on the right side. Jim asks Dwight for half of his stack of adhesive square notepad and reaches over for them knocking Dwight's keyboard on his lap. While Dwight is distracted, Jim deftly pulls a pen from his sleeve and pulls back on the clip to spray liquid into Dwight's coffee. As Dwight excuses himself to the bathroom for a four hour long making GBS threads session, Jim goes around the office tainting all of the drinks and snacks the staff are enjoying, when that isn't an option he just squirts the pen towards their mouth. After everyone is in the bathroom, Jim starts forwarding all of their email to Staples.
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May 17, 2024 03:36
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I'm still waiting to get to the part where we find out what Jim's side job is
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May 17, 2024 03:48
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poisonpill posted:I'm still waiting to get to the part where we find out what Jim's side job is He was trying to inoculate the Office with raw milk, I thought that was obvious?
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May 17, 2024 03:55
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Jim uses a black mirror to create the Anti-Dwight that is the opposite of Dwight in every way. Anti-Dwight is as cruel as Dwight is kind, as selfish as Dwight is generous, and as evil as Dwight is good. Anti-Dwight is also composed of anti-matter instead of ordinary one. As soon as he steps outside the mirror the annihilation process levels the entire city and a good chunk of Pennsylvania. Jim decides that this is still a prank on Dwight even though Dwight is on vacation in Hawaii. Erasable Penis fucked around with this message at 06:38 on May 17, 2024 |
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May 17, 2024 06:30
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Hey Dwight! Jim shouts. Dwight looks up and sees Jim has flopped his penis directly on the desk. What the hell are you doing! Dwight angrily shouts. Put that away! Jim grins and says I'll put it away if you answer one question. What!? Dwight yells. The whole office is at rapt attention. IS IT CAKE!? Jim asks, and pulls out a Ginsu knife and places it on the table in front of Dwight. Everyone watches in silence as Dwight picks up the knife. He moves it toward the penis, slowly. He looks at Jim's face and Jim nods affirmatively. Do it, his eyes say. Dwight cleanly makes a lateral slice to the penis, cutting it clean off. He immediately faints. Jim begins screaming What the gently caress! What the gently caress! What the gently caress! and running around the office bleeding profusely. Kevin already ate the penis cake as soon as he saw Jim pull it out, and Jim did not realize he had pulled his own dick out afterward. Stanley has a heart attack and must be taken to the hospital. Dwight has a concussion from hitting his head when he fainted and must be taken to the hospital. Jim has lost a lot of blood and must be taken to the hospital. Meredith must drive them to the hospital but is too drunk and must go to the hospital. Kevin ate too much cake and must be taken to the hospital. Michael Scott cannot drive them as he has burned his foot on his George Foreman grill and must be taken to the hospital.
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May 17, 2024 06:40
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The elevator dings and from Dwight's desk, he sees the doors open and Jim comes staggering out. His shoes appear waterlogged and leave wet prints on the lineoleum floor. Às Jim slinks to his desk, Dwight detects the faint sweet smell of lead salt. Jim collapses into his chair. "Rough night at your side job?" asks Dwight. Jim stares at Dwight for an uncomfortably long time before reaching out and knocking Dwight's coffee mug over.
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May 17, 2024 11:27
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The rusted clasp on Jim's vintage 1975 minions lunchbox pops open, and dozens of cheddar bay biscuits go tumbling out all over his and Dwight's desk. The buttery biscuits leave greasy buttery trails everywhere they roll, including over Dwight's business receipts.
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May 17, 2024 13:26
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Dwight is looking through some photos he took on a recent picnic with Angela. As he flips through them he notices something odd - there's a blurry figure in the background of one shot. Dwight decides to send the photo to Michael, who's teaching himself Photoshop, in the hopes that Michael can remove the odd figure from the photo. At work the next day, however, Michael seems confused. "Dwight, I don't see any background figure in that photo. Look." Michael pulls up the photo on his desktop and, true to his word, there's no odd figure in the photo. Dwight pulls up the photo on his phone and, oddly, the figure is gone from that photo, too. Dwight apologizes, but Michael says it's okay. "This still gave me a chance to practice my photoshop! Look, I made it look like there's more than one sun!" Michael clicks on a layer, making the picture look more like Pam's terrible watercolor of the office, with shadows going in all sorts of directions. Michael gives a happy thumbs up as Dwight heads back to his desk. As Dwight turns his monitor on, he thinks he sees the same figure lurking over his shoulder. He quickly turns around, however, and finds no one there. Dwight decides he's been under a lot of stress lately and vows to take a weekend off. Dwight's coworker, Eric, comes into the office then. He sits down at the desk next to Dwight and wishes him a good morning. Dwight returns the greeting and starts working, despite an odd feeling looming in the office.
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May 17, 2024 13:54
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“Y-yes, Pam, but what IF?! W-what IF?!? What IF you could see imaginary friends and help them out?!?” “Christ, can we get some meds in here? Krasinski’s bashing his head against the wall again!” John Krasinski, a failing paper salesman at a paper company in Scranton PA, smashes his head against the wall of his padded cell again and again. “WHAT IF?!? WHAT IF RYAN REYNOLDS WAS ACTUALLY IMAGINARY THE WHOLE TIME?!?” Orderlies hold him down and inject him with a syringe full of a strong sedative, enough to make him sleep through the night. “What’s he been rambling about?” asks his doctor, Dr. Cyril Curologist. “Crazy poo poo, er, stuff, doc! Something about imaginary fiends, and he keeps asking for somebody named Pam.” “Hmmmm. That’s the woman he was stalking, the receptionist at his job. His delusions seem to be getting worse. Is he still talking about this ‘Dwight’ character? The farmer who is also a paper salesman?” “Sometimes, yeah. And he says there’s a man coming for him, some kinda miner or something. He said he’s trying to run him down. Doc, what happened to this guy?” “That’s what we’re hoping to find out. But, sometimes, I people retreat into fantasy worlds when life gets too difficult. We found out he tried to trademark the name Athleap a while ago, then he changed it to Athlead. We found a journal in his house, just a jumble of unfocused ideas about marketing and athletes. I wonder if perhaps his failed business venture led to this.” “Yeah, what IF, doc?”
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May 18, 2024 03:15
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Jim crabwalks into the office and backs up into his chair. Dwight sighs and announces he made another $12000 this week on Gamestop stock. Jim scuttles sideways around the desks and digs his fingers into Dwight's right ribs, pinching him, Dwight, hard.
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May 18, 2024 04:10
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Jim eats all of Dwight's clothes, leaving Dwight to have to choose between showing up to work late or naked. Moth Jim mugs for a porch light someone left on at night.
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May 18, 2024 12:23
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Jim defeats Metal Man, then begins launching dangerously overpowered Metal Blades in all directions. “Hey, Dwight!!! A PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW!” Jim screams as he fires thousands of blades at him. Although Dwight deftly dodges, the office is shredded to pieces on the conflict. Stanley is able to make the save, launching his own Quick Boomerang and taking down Jim in an explosion of little dots. “He’ll be back,” Stanley says gravely, “he has another life left.” Dwight readies his Wood Shield.
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May 18, 2024 14:12
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Jim takes his young son Pranklin to the Office to try his very first pranks on Dwight. Pranklin (age 2) pranks Dwight by stealing office supplies from his desk and putting them in his mouth. “I’ve never felt more proud.” says Jim. “Going to give Pranklin a big hug as soon as they finish the stomach pump.”
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May 18, 2024 15:08
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Jim wakes up on his own and sits up in his racecar bed. The threadbare sheet covering his emaciated frame falls away as he surveys the basement, a small smile on his face as he says out loud, “Time to head into the office and play some fun pranks on Dwight!” A few seconds later, punctuated only the sound of dripping water and the grunting snores of Chips, his money companion, and Jim’s smile fades. “Oh, wait. It’s Saturday. No work today.” Having said that, Jim falls still. He sits there, unmoving. Not even the shallow expansion of breathing; as still as a wax statue. Hours pass. A fly lands on Jim’s nose and traces a peripatetic course across his face, eventually pausing on Jim’s left eye. Jim doesn’t move, doesn’t even blink. The fly takes flight again. The sun sets. Jim still doesn’t move. Sunday comes, passes, and Sunday night slowly passes as well. The alarm rings on Monday morning. As if nothing unusual had happened, Jim says “Time to head into the office and play some fun pranks on Dwight!” He swings his legs off the bed and stands up to get changed into his sloppy, creased dress shirt and loosened tie for work.
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May 18, 2024 15:15
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Jim becomes a dog walker and eventually has nearly 300 dogs under his care. He takes all of the dogs on a walk directly to Schrute Farms, then has them “do their business” on Dwight’s lawn.
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May 18, 2024 15:27
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As Jim watches the dogs run wild across Dwight's beets, digging up the fields and soiling the land, he checks his cashapp balance. By charging $15 per dog walk, his balance now exceeds $18,000 which should cover his clown venom budget for the week. Suddenly his wrist watch starts beeping. Jim checks - it's 4pm. Jim walks back to his van and takes off his dog walking hat, and puts on his Scranton Dog Catcher hat and vest, Jim retrieves his pump action shotgun and with a loud " *CHA CHICK* chambers a round. "Time to get to work" Jim yells to no one in particular.
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May 18, 2024 16:54
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Jim and Roy—both having bonded over escaping Pam’s megalomaniacal orbit—decide to have a fun night out drinking. During their escapades they spray paint SCROTE FARMS over the Schrute Farms sign. The next day when Dwight appears upset about it, Jim is genuinely concerned. You see, Jim blacked out and doesn’t remember doing it. Jim attempts to mug the camera anyway but pukes into a trash can instead.
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May 18, 2024 17:00
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poisonpill posted:Jim wakes up on his own and sits up in his racecar bed. The threadbare sheet covering his emaciated frame falls away as he surveys the basement, a small smile on his face as he says out loud, “Time to head into the office and play some fun pranks on Dwight!” When Jim arrives at work however, he finds that the office is closed. He then remembers that it's Whit Monday and that Michael, a devout Catholic, has given everyone the day off. Jim crumples to a heap in the middle of the parking lot, resuming his hibernation for another 24 hours.
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May 18, 2024 17:13
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A Fancy Hat posted:Jim defeats Metal Man, then begins launching dangerously overpowered Metal Blades in all directions.
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May 18, 2024 20:19
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Jim digs on Dwight's property without calling 811, and ends up severing Dwight's petabit fiber optic line.
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May 18, 2024 22:50
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Jim severs his own clown gas line, not realizing it goes through Dwight’s property. He isn’t able to get bozo-baked again until the city comes out and fixes it, and who knows when that will be.
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May 18, 2024 22:59
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Jim uses his surprisingly expansive powers as Scranton’s Assistant Dog Catcher to criminalize the zoning of any orphanages within city limits, claiming that “they’d probably just spend that money on drugs, anyway.” It isn’t clear if the “they” Jim is referring to is orphans, or the charities housing them, or if Jim has somehow confused orphanages with homeless shelters. Regardless, he uses the ensuing confusion to embezzle hundreds of thousands of dollars from the city budget and uses them to buy Ozempic, Clown Gas, and amphetamines to keep up with his many side jobs.
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May 18, 2024 23:28
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Dwight sighs as he surveys the hundreds of pallets of unsold clown paper filling the warehouse. Jim has made a nest of clown paper reams and has fallen asleep, clutching an empty canister of clown gas. This is a prank on Dwight because Dwight had to take a side job with BuzzFeed to make ends meet, and he (Dwight) has been assigned to write a listicle about clown paper nostalgia.
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May 19, 2024 01:13
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Dwight passes Jim on the street, sleeping in a makeshift shelter built out of reams of clown paper on the sidewalk. Dwight isn’t sure if this is Jim’s new “side job” or if Jim is just hibernating between work hours when he will play fun pranks on Dwight. A battered cardboard sign lying near Jim says “10 Unsettling Things You Never Knew About Clown Paper.”
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May 19, 2024 02:03
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Dwight visits his local PA Pranksters to take advantage of the BOGO sale on clown paper but misses the fine print that states the sale is actually “Buy One Get One at double price”.
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May 19, 2024 02:16
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Jim sneaks into Dwight's driveway intending to pour sugar into Dwight's gas tank, but instead finds Dwight's EV that runs off clean surplus electricity from Dwight's vast solar array. Dejected, Jim slashes Dwight's tires.
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May 19, 2024 05:40
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Jim sneaks into Dwight's driveway, intending to slash Dwight's tires, but instead finds Dwight's tireless hovercar that runs off the miracle beet derivative "blubber" from Dwight's vast beet fields. Dejected, Jim shits on Dwight's windshield.
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May 19, 2024 09:28
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Jim sneaks into Dwight's home, intending to steal some of Dwight's possessions to support Jim's expensive clown gas habit, but instead finds Dwight has divested himself of all worldly possessions and lives in a state of ascetic perfection, sleeping contentedly on the bare floor of an empty house. Dejected, Jim injects Dwight with heroin.
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May 19, 2024 09:37
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Jim encases Dwight's stapler is orange and black jello. "Happy Jelloween!" Jim yells. Also Jim is dressed as Dracula. (It is June)
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May 19, 2024 11:00
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Jim unplugs Dwight's Beets by Dre headphones from Dwight's MP3 player, sticks the cable jack in his (Jim's) rear end, and farts really loud so that Dwight gets an earful of Jim's farts.
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May 20, 2024 02:35
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| # ? Jun 2, 2024 07:15 |
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Jim declares tomorrow Jimemorial day, getting in early to set the wallpaper and screensavers on everyone's computers to a slideshow of candid photos of all of his pranks.
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May 20, 2024 03:12
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