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Jesus tapdancing christ, you have the patience of a Canadian. :canada: Please update when your roomie gets his rear end handed to him by authorities.
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Nov 28, 2004 21:22
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| # ? May 5, 2024 10:04 |
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If I never gained another moment's enjoyment from Something Awful, this thread alone would have made it worth my ten dollars. :ultramon: Edit: nm. From your last post it looks like this is a recital of a resolved situation, not something currently happening. I'm eagerly awaiting the next installment. Caroline199 fucked around with this message at 21:37 on Nov 28, 2004 |
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Nov 28, 2004 21:26
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A morbidly fantastic thread. I want to hear about the Downfall of Jed, though. Specifically, I want gory detail on when you finally did wander into his side of the apt. to find it looking like City 17 in the final act of HL2. Bring it. (or, better yet, have this guy leave him a message)
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Nov 28, 2004 21:32
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You're both loving loony.
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Nov 28, 2004 21:36
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Holy crap, how could you just ignore that crap? You have to build some kind of case against this guy and get all his Dad's money.
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Nov 28, 2004 21:46
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My breath came out in jagged rasps. I clutched the shotgun like a cold and reassuring lover, nervously rocking it back and forth as I waited for the sound, that terrible sound. Jed was making GBS threads in the ceiling again. I don't know how he gotten past my defenses. I thought I had meticulously sealed every entrance with the enthusiasm of a post-9/11 duct-tape junkie but somehow, somehow he had gotten past. And he was doing what he did best, crawling above the ceiling tiles, excreting his filth to infect my carefully preserved world. My clean world. I waited, waited for him to show himself so I could end his pathetic, grotesque existence, but of course he never did. I had blasted countless holes in the ceiling, but he never seemed to be where I thought he was, and I couldn't afford any more damage to my already ravaged apartment. It was like he was a ventriloquist shitter.
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Nov 28, 2004 21:52
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quote:Sunnybrook came out of the closet to say:
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Nov 28, 2004 21:54
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quote:DannyManic came out of the closet to say: From my perspective, imagine this: You are strapped for cash. Someone offers you a studio apartment, with minifridge and bathroom for $50 a month, and after you move out, you're given a few thousand dollars just for living there. The only catch is that there's a closet you can't open, and you have to tape around the edges, and the lock to get in is a remote controlled car rig. Sounds like a good deal to me. Jed couldn't make much noise to bother me after I confiscated his music equipment. All of the people talking about going ape poo poo sound like the nutballs to me. I'm very easy going, and I came out of this ahead. I'll get to the renumeration later. Also it was very satisfying to have this rear end in a top hat's poo poo in a locker across town and know that he desperately wanted to gently caress with my poo poo but couldn't, and couldn't prove I ganked his stuff. He would flip the gently caress out in rage from this. I think that might have contributed to his degeneration into madness. ----------------
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Nov 28, 2004 21:59
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quote:Xizor Argus came out of the closet to say: That made me laugh. Good to see you giving us the whole story, I caught your posts in that other roommate thread today. Voted five and waiting for the updates.
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Nov 28, 2004 22:01
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quote:Martin Random came out of the closet to say: quote:Martin Random came out of the closet to say: When I saw this thread, I thought this was one of the best titles I'd seen, and boy does it deliver on its promise. I'm reading this crap in absolute loving disbelief.
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Nov 28, 2004 22:06
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quote:DannyManic came out of the closet to say: You're just jealous of his clever scheming.
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Nov 28, 2004 22:11
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If the Home Alone doorlock thing just raises the bar straight up, as is illustrated in those mspaints... wouldn't it still block the door when it is raised? It would just be higher up blocking the door instead of at the bottom blocking the door. Wouldn't you need to somehow move the bar away from where the door slides? Maybe I'm just missing something here. Someone feel free to clarify.
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Nov 28, 2004 22:16
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quote:Grumbletub came out of the closet to say:
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Nov 28, 2004 22:20
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That makes sense. Thanks.
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Nov 28, 2004 22:26
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quote:Grumbletub came out of the closet to say: As he explained on page one, moving the car lifts the bar into a vertical position, allowing him to open the door. There's also a helpful diagram (first one on the page--the one with the horizontal bar is misleading).
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Nov 28, 2004 22:26
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I kind of messed up the timeline for this stuff, so here's a quick runthrough before I continue the story. TIME A: Tons of parties, vomit being cleaned up by me, tarantula, punching, etc. I start witholding rent at this point, and am subtracting $200 a month from the rent for cleaning costs. TIME B: His girlfriend leaves him. His friends stop hanging out with him. He smashes his bathroom. He uses mine for a time, is denied access, uses neighbor's for a time, is denied access, and is angry at me for refusing him access to my bathroom. I fixed his faucets so they wouldn't leak all over the place and sent him a bill. He gets really pouty and angry and does the famous poo poo on the stovetop. He does experiments with various places to piss and poop, eventually settling on leaving it in baggies around the house. When I tell him this is unacceptable, he responds with a demand to use my bathroom, which I refuse. Around this time, while cleaning the stove top, I find the cat in the oven. It has a collar on it so I put it in a box and return it to the owners, not explaining where I found it, and advising them not to look in the box. I don't know how that turned out, and I didn't give them my name. I hope it got hit by a car and wasn't killed by Jed. TIME C: Jed starts trying to get at me by playing his subwoofer really loud at odd hours, and demanding to use the bathroom. I get back at him by packing away all of his stuff, (including the audio equiptment) and storing it in a friend's storage unit across town. I think that he started to really go truly crazy at this point. I come home finding him taking things out of my room and putting them into his truck. I restrain him and call the police. By this point he is beyond all rationality and is completely flipping out, so he is put in the copcar for a while and the officer helps me unload my things from his truck. For some bizarre reason the officer does not arrest him, but after "talking to him" lets him go. I think my calm temperment made the officer not realize he was violent and that is why I was restraining him. (My motto in life: "So it goes.") TIME D: I dub this time the sealing. I really don't mind cleaning up poop and piss, I used to be assistant manager of an apartment complex, but it is taking too much time to clean. I buy a range-top, and seal things off after writing a surrender letter to Jed, declaring that he has evicted me from the common area. Shortly after I come up with my Home Alone security system, withold rent except for a nominal $50 a month, and go on with life as if I did not have a crazy room-mate sealed away in the other end of the apartment. Time left on lease at this point: 2 months. Edit: Time D is when he shits in the bushes and is arrested for the night. TIME E: The black time. I am not sure what exactly went on in the apartment during these two or three weeks. This is around the time finals are going on, so I really don't care. Water starts leaking from the wall, so I re-enter the common area to see what is up. This description really deserves its own post, and will clog the time-line up, so I'll elaborate later. I fix the water leak, which he had been covering up with newspapers, and promptly exit. Once he finds out I was in his area he flips out and makes a lot of noise over there, but I do not investigate. Remainder: There is one further, final re-entry by myself, with a flashlight. I couldn't get in with my key because the door was messed up, and his sliding door was blocked with a mattress, so I kicked down the door and entered. After a quick walk-through I call the fire department, the landlord, the police, and an ambulance. This is full of drama and will be detailed in its own post. ---------------- Martin Random fucked around with this message at 22:35 on Nov 28, 2004 |
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Nov 28, 2004 22:31
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quote:Martin Random came out of the closet to say: I have a horrifying yet hilarious image in my head of you switching on a flashlight in pitch blackness, only to see your rooommate kneeling on the floor smoothered in his own feces, with water flooding the apartment. Edit: Your avatar only makes this image more hilarious.
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Nov 28, 2004 22:37
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Jesus, the stories are still not fully told. I am subscribing this because they just sound too loving good.
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Nov 28, 2004 22:37
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Wow, this is one hell of a story. Can't wait for the ending.
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Nov 28, 2004 22:39
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Your roommate is crazy, but you're a loving passive aggressive nut job.
09bf1f79a948c2ce08eb70e3ae2c4f02
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Nov 28, 2004 22:40
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gently caress the Bible, this is the greatest story ever told. I think each time period deserves its own fully developed narrative. I eagerly await more details.
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Nov 28, 2004 22:40
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Jed died in there, didn't he?
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Nov 28, 2004 22:44
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Awesome thread, voted 5 and subscribed. I'm a pretty high maintence person, and I cannot fathom living like your roomie.
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Nov 28, 2004 22:46
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quote:Martin Random came out of the closet to say: HURRY UP
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Nov 28, 2004 22:46
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WHAT THE gently caress TYPE FASTER PLEASE. This is the best crazy roommate story ever. The skill with which you describe it makes it even better.
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Nov 28, 2004 22:48
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Hurry the gently caress up and stop dragging it out. Drama whore. E: F, b x2. ----------------
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Nov 28, 2004 22:48
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quote:Zaus came out of the closet to say: I started visualizing Doom 3: Flashlight Simulator :q:
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Nov 28, 2004 22:52
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It's all a horrible joke, he wrote the first posts but never intended to finish the series. I need closure :(
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Nov 28, 2004 22:53
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Your Home-Alone security system sounds interesting. Everyone seems to be asking about whether the rod lifts straight up or tilts or whatever, but I have another question entirely. It sounds to me as if your system depends on the R/C car being activated at all times when you are not in your apartment - i.e., you have to turn the car on before you leave and hope that the batteries aren't dead when you return home, otherwise you're screwed. How long would the batteries last?? Are you saying you could seriously make it through an 8 hour shift at work and the car would still have enough juice to lift the bar?? Not that it would take a lot of power, but still, I used to be big into R/C cars and if you left one on you'd be lucky for it to last an hour, without driving it. You usually couldn't get more than 10 minutes out of a charge when you were driving the car. I'm not saying you're lying, I'm just curious :).
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Nov 28, 2004 22:54
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Dammit, you bastard, you promised us a new thread with the complete story. We've already given you gold. :mad:
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Nov 28, 2004 22:54
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This story is just enthralling. I read it in the other thread, but it's worth mentioning again how loving insane your room mate is/was. I mean, I have this absolutely hilarious, yet frightening image of him bouncing around the common room making GBS threads into random objects letting out blood curdling screams of rage. It just defies rational explanation. "He took my stereo! RAAAARGH! I'll poo poo into household appliances! ARGH HAHAHA!"
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Nov 28, 2004 22:57
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The Black Time: I'm very preoccupied with work and school at this point. Since my point of entry on the house is opposite from the front door, the only real contact I have with Jed at this point is what I can hear from him through the walls, and whatever odor seeps under the door past my homeland security setup. This is pretty tolerable as a condition, definetely worth the $50 a month I was paying for it, but I was starting to get worried. I was worried about Jed's tarantulas getting into the ventilation system, so I sealed that off with plastic wrap and duct tape. Then I started worrying about fire. Jed liked to play with heating elements and flames, and he was an alcoholic, so I was worried that with the sealed off vent I wouldn't know if the house were on fire. At around 3pm, I was studying, when I noticed that my feet were getting wet. Upon inspection, the carpet next to the wall was wet. I went around to the front of the house and found that the door was ajar. I went back to my apartment and picked up a plumber's wrench and a flashlight to see what was wrong. I'm not exactly the best at descriptions, as you can probably tell from the poor quality of writing in this thread, but here's the best I can do. I'll try to portray these things from my perspective at the time, and not reveal what they eventually turned out to be. I unlocked the front door of the apartment and pushed it open, after confirming that Jed's truck was gone. The lights in the place were out and the shades were drawn. The light shone inside and revealed that there were strange particulates hanging in the air. Not quite smoke. I would almost say that the odor was so thick in the apartment that it could be seen with the naked eye. Upon reflection, I imagine that what I was seeing was mold spores. As the arc of light from the bright outside swept across the room, a few things were revealed in sequence: First off, the common area was absolutely covered in free student newspapers. There were obviously things underneath because the newspapers bulged, and I could even identify an easy chair covered in newspapers in the corner. The kitchen was crammed with garbage. I could identify two large bulky garbage bags in the corner of the common room. Investigating them further, I discovered that they were covered in some kind of glistening brown muck. The whole place smelled absolutely rank. I swept my light across the place a few times, just to make sure Jed wasn't there lying in wait with a knife or something, and I proceeded into the apartment, leaving the door open. I took some vic's vaporub from my pocket and doubed just under my nose. The garbage bags had been hastily pulled out of the common room closet, the one which contains pipes leading to Jed's bathroom. I shined a light into the closet and a rat or mouse or something ran very quickly under the newspapers in the common room. I looked and saw that there were several dents in a pipe in the common closet, and it was otherwise soaked. Finding no immediate source for the water, I proceeded into the hallway area towards Jed's room. I was a little uneasy, because the whole place was filled with debris. The common furnature that came with the apartment was lodged in the strangest places. Like the hallway to Jed's room had the common couch in it, upturned. I climbed over that after making sure Jed wasn't under it. I was a little more nervous because my egress had been essentially blocked by this couch, and walked past the debris. It looked like he was salvaging equiptment and building materials from local construction yards. I could identify in the hallway, piping materials, a toilet lid, cinderblocks, scrap wood, and a box of pilfered nails. Jed's large sledge hammer (or geologists hammer, I don't know which) was lodged in the door of his room. I pushed it open and the drat thing fell out, giving me a fright. Anyway, I proceeded into his room, which was strangely clean. There was nothing in there, but the floor was absolutely soaked. I realized what happened; he realized there was water everywhere and threw all of his poo poo outside of the room into the hallway, and leaned his mattress against the sliding door (where it remained, to my knowledge, for like two weeks. I have no idea where he was sleeping.). The leak was coming from his bathroom, so I went in with my wrench ready to clock the poo poo out of my crazy room mate if he should jump out at me. I saw the familiar smashed bathroom fixtures, and I was very thankful for the vic's vaporub, but the stench stung my eyes still. There was a bathtub covered in newspapers. I proded it with my wrench and the newspapers gave way, like they were on top of jello or something soft and organic. I prodded it harder and what I can only describe as fecal fluid seeped from the sides of the newspaper. I think he was taking shits in the bathtub and covering it with newspapers, like some kind of foul lasagna. The leak was coming from under his sink, which he had dislodged through some violence. I could see the remains of a cinderblock on the pipe, so I think he might have been hitting the pipe with a cinderblock. I turned off the water to the sink, stopping the leak, and decided that it would be best if I left before he returned. On my way out, I climbed into the kitchen area and opened the fridge, just out of curiosity. There was a ball-like, organic mass in the middle, with tendrils of mold growing out of it. It was roughly the size of a human head with a large dent in it. Not desiring to get toxic mold in my nostrils, I closed the fridge and surveyed the common closet again. The walls of the closet were covered in a black shiny material which glistened. Upon closer inspection, it was mold. I didn't know that mold looked like that. I prodded the newspapers a little bit, but remembering the rat, and not wanting to get bitten, I left the apartment, closing the door behind me. I got a towel and did my best to dry out the carpet. I left my sliding glass door open to help air the place out. I printed out a notice to Jed that I had entered and fixed his sink, and placed it under the door. I later heard Jed come home, and he obviously discovered I had been in there, because he started freaking out, swearing, and throwing things around. I heard the couch in the hallway get rammed into my door. He threw a tantrum for another five minutes, and then I heard the front of the apartment door slam. I heard him approach my sliding glass door, swearing, and I can only imagine that after seeing it open, he decided not to come any further. Like I said, the guy was afraid of me. He left in his truck a few minutes later, to return in ten minutes. I heard strange moaning and stumbling around in the apartment after that. I think he was moving furniture or something. I heard breaking glass a few times, but after that, silence. ----------------
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Nov 28, 2004 22:59
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quote:Zandragal came out of the closet to say: I'm pretty sure this was taken straight from a university "elementary logic" textbook. Pretty standard stuff really //edit: Just read the "Black Time" post. Wow, just wow. anus_presley fucked around with this message at 23:05 on Nov 28, 2004 |
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Nov 28, 2004 23:00
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I threw up a little in my mouth reading that.
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Nov 28, 2004 23:02
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Wow, I can't believe this is real but I love it anyway. Now post the ending already!
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Nov 28, 2004 23:03
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he sounds like a loving tweeker edit : Have any cool pictures to show? :)
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Nov 28, 2004 23:05
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You sure know how to paint a nasty loving picture.
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Nov 28, 2004 23:06
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I am speechless.
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Nov 28, 2004 23:07
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And I thought my roomate who waved his (yes, it was his) dildo at me while screaming 'This is the key to Quake 3 Arena' was bad. Jesus man, type faster - I wanna read the end!
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Nov 28, 2004 23:08
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| # ? May 5, 2024 10:04 |
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quote:Martin Random came out of the closet to say:
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Nov 28, 2004 23:08
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