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 Garbage dog. Trash bear. Hideous Beast. Dell, I don't know this, because i don't have security cameras, but I have to believe that the reason you spread wet, smelly trash everywhere on the first floor is some delightful, misguided attempt to garner favor with my terrible cat. Like, if you feed him the thimble's worth of tuna at the bottom of the can, maybe he'll stop hogging the good spot on the couch? Hand to god, I don't think you even eat anything, you just decorate the floor with shredded bags of trash like the police are coming over here to arrest me for clean floors...
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May 17, 2016 02:19
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpLFAXRj0v0 Dell, you fluffy white little trash dog, I know we both blame all the accidents on Sable because she's just a baby, but we both know the big puddle on the carpet this morning is more volume than her entire body can hold, so why after 9 years are you no longer house broken!? a garbage dog with a trash face Sable, you are so small and very pretty but your mouth always, always smells like butthole and your ability to thread the needle with your tiny Chihuahua turds between two perfectly clean puppy-pee mats is like a miracle of physcs, I hate you I hate you you tiny little ratbear, stop sneaking into my bed and terrifying me in the middle of the night. you are my brother's dog go sleep with him!
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Sep 9, 2017 18:35
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Cosmo, my big orange Trouble-Bubble, when you hoark up a fireball at 5:30 AM, be sure to do it close to the vent in the kitchen, so the cacaphonous rasping gag is magnified 10-fold and deposited directly into my sleepy ears so that I wake up thinking a monster is my AC unit trying barf in my mouth while I sleep
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Mar 4, 2018 14:39
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Cosmo you fat gently caress why do you have to trick my stupid family every day! He was a svelte, healthy 12 lbs when I moved down here a year ago but family has never lived with cats before and they feed him every time he cries and now he’s a portly 16.5 and the vet told me if he gets any chubbier she’ll have to special order his medicine from a website for fatty bobatty pussy-catties  Stop crying at my mom and my brother whenever they walk by, now I have to mete out each and every crunchie, you pumpkin sized nincompoop!! Bust Rodd fucked around with this message at 08:16 on Aug 11, 2018 |
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Aug 11, 2018 04:12
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Android, I have a lot of love for you. Ever since we met in the park and your mom said hi to me and we fell in love and moved in together, my life has been so much better. But dude, I swear to god you are the biggest little cockblock on fuckin planet Earth! It’s like you can hear a boner from two rooms away! The second his mommy, my GF, starts to get even a little “into it” this little shithead comes barging into the room, jumps onto the bed, and wiggles his little buns right between us! Smooching, serious snuggling, anything even remotely rated ‘R’ just get Android all kinds of riled up and he just won’t let us head down to bonetown until we’ve wrapped him in a blankie in another room with a Milkbone. Stupid cockblock piece of poo poo little dipshit rear end in a top hat, fuckin’ snuggly cutie-pie piece of trash rat dog just lemme get laid! Just be like my dog or my cat! They just chill out and sometimes watch a little before getting bored. Bust Rodd fucked around with this message at 19:08 on Dec 16, 2018 |
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Dec 16, 2018 17:39
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We wanted a puppy, not that perfect caramel colored teddy bear! I...wait... awwww
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Jan 23, 2019 18:37
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Helldump your nightflaps all you want but please do the needful and post pictures of their faces.
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Apr 16, 2019 14:01
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 Dell you stupid rear end in a top hat I only got 4 hours of sleep because you had a nightmare!? Wake me up from a dead sleep because I thought you were hurt and you’re just getting chased by a big kitty in a dweeeeem? You fluffy fuckin’ baby I’m gonna shave you so it says “I never let my daddy sleep past 7 AM” in your poofy pants!
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Jun 5, 2019 14:18
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Seriously every time I accidentally step on my kitty or bonk him with my feet at night, he hisses and I exasperatedly yell "YOU HAVE NIGHTVISION this AIN'T on ME!"
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Jun 18, 2019 18:58
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Just LoL if you think electric shocks will stop a dog’s innate drive to consume all the candy-coated kitty cat crunchies.
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Jun 19, 2019 13:05
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I fuckin hate it when my cat does that! I’m like “MoMo, YOU HAVE NIGHTVISION! I can’t even see well with the lights on!” and he is all like “Mow” and swats me.
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Aug 11, 2019 01:28
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iospace posted:Kill it with fire This isn’t cool to say about someone’s friends.
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Aug 29, 2019 01:46
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 It’s me, Baxter! I’m a dirty little shitrat. All my best friends call me Poopstah, because I poop when I’m scared... or confused... or tired. And even though you, my beloved Uncle Bust Rodd, live in a completely different room and bed than my mommy and daddy, your bed is the only bed worth making GBS threads in during a thunderstorm... or during a particularly loud dump truck driving through the neighborhood... or even if the cat boops my little nose and spooks me! Oh and please don’t be alarmed if I work my way into your bed in the middle of the night and shake like a goddam epileptic when you’re trying to sleep, I AM TERRIFIED of the refrigerator kicking on and so on and I quake so violently you fear I may injure myself but fear not, I am merely horrified beyond belief of all sounds and objects, and must simply poop my way to safety.
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Nov 6, 2019 14:37
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Lmao my cat always loves to watch and my gf posits that he thinks I’m trying to kill her and he’s coaching me on how to finish the job. He always seems so disappointed when she “wins” and heads to the shower while I pass out.
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Jan 8, 2020 18:24
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 Baxter, I love that my brother and his wife rescued you but every single time you pee in my room, on my clothes and on my bed, I can’t help but take it personal. Sable, please stop trying to goad Baxter into sex. You are supposed to be brother and sister and if my Sister in Law ever caught you loving it would DESTROY her and you are fixed anyway so just stop being a whiny little horn dog. Also please learn to pee in the rain, just because it’s a little wet outside doesn’t mean I want to have to mop the living room floor.
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Jan 9, 2020 04:27
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Yeah but they are hugging so obviously you have to go buy them treats and maybe a new catnip mouse and honestly just build them a small pool house and maybe while your at it you should move into the small pool house and give the kitties the big house.
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Jan 12, 2020 16:33
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Fleta Mcgurn posted:Aleta is a tuxedo and she eats her wet food by delicately scooping it into her palm and then trying to lick it off. We call her FISTFULS O' BEEF.
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Jan 17, 2020 16:51
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Everyone who brags about having a Tux without posting the socks and the mittens is drat war criminal, I’m for real
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Jan 17, 2020 18:52
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 This is Cosmo AKA Cosmeow AKA Momo the Clown This is him screaming at me the literal microsecond I get home from work until I dump his evening meal into his bowl. He also reserves the right to cry as though he is being starved to death in a cage of wolves at 6 AM, 7 AM, and again at 8 AM (when I wake up for work). He eats twice a day, plus treats, but I had terrible roommates in college who have irreparably trained him to cry until his bottomless pit of a chubbo tum-tum has kitty snacks. Please, my little Pumpkin Prince, shut the gently caress up.
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Jan 28, 2020 16:07
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 Azalea, I understand that you don’t get enough attention from your mommy, and I do my very best to give you all the love you deserve when I nanny for you, but the $4,000 couch (pictured here) that you destroyed by eating a fancy pen and rolling around in it is... well the resale value is looking pretty grim. Please, Azalea, stick to the 200 kinds of dog treats she buys you and leave her expensive Doctor pens ALONE
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Feb 18, 2020 23:44
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they are both so beautiful I want to cry
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Feb 20, 2020 20:29
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I mean, if you just call them and say “It has grown dramatically over a very short period of time” that would constitute an emergency medical condition in a person, so why not a small friend? Sable you’re breath smells like roasted buttholes and the way you cry and lose your mind every time I get up for work is so lovely. It’s 6 AM and your parents don’t wake up for at least 3 hours, shut the gently caress up. Baxter.... more like PISS-tah! Or POOP-stah! The poopinest guy I know! I have done more puppy piss laundry in the last 6 months than I’ve done over the last 14 years of my dog! Get it together!  This poof-booty clown shoe is 14 years old and discovering that she actually doesn’t have to do anything anymore. Piss on the floor? WHY NOT? Shredding open bags of trash? SEEMS GOOD! Growling at anyone who disturbs you’re nap in the middle of the hall? LMAO basically turned into queen bitch over the last year and is now just a grumpy old lady who wants exactly 5 minutes of snuggles every morning and then after that she just poofs around the house looking for messes to make. Dumbass fossil rear end old-rear end crap rear end dog
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Mar 21, 2020 13:09
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Ha ha ha ha lmao yeah if I try to poop without my bathroom door closed my cat will BUST on in and do a quick loop of my ankles. WTF dude some privacy please!
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Apr 29, 2020 14:33
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I can’t even tel where her face is lmao how do you even know what part to be mad at OMG
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Jun 16, 2020 21:00
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When my dog was 4 and we were living alone, she crapped on the floor while I was in the shower. I got out of the shower and saw the turd and went to go clean it with a paper towel. I returned to a clean floor and sad looking dog. I put the paper towels back and walked in just in time to see her barf dogshit all over the floor, a big puddle of poo-ke. I returned to the kitchen, walking faster this time, and came back to a CLEAN FLOOR. I just made her sleep in the tub that night because I couldn't afford to keep cleaning.
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Jun 22, 2020 15:24
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 Cosmo, when I sort of slowly start to move at 5:30 AM EST, this is not actually an invitation for you to begin an incessant mewling whine that will only stop once I have fed you. You eat twice a day, at 7 and 7, because you’re a FAT FAT FATTY FAT FAT FATSO CHUBBO BUBBO JELLY BUNS and Daddy needs his sleep. Umf no pweese get awff my face you fat orange bathstard
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Jul 23, 2020 12:51
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When MoMo was a kitten he bonked a coffee mug off the table and the noise scared him so badly he has never bonked anything off a surface ever again. He just sits on anything and everything, no matter what, if it’s what we’re doing. A book? My keyboard? My PS4 controller? The perfect place for my buns!
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Jul 23, 2020 13:11
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I like to imagine that he’s only opening the door because he thinks you’re in danger and he wants to make sure that you’re safe
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Jul 24, 2020 03:50
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MoMo, in the last 2 years you have developed such severe allergies that you are losing all your fur to dermatitis! The vets have put you on three separate treatments, there isn’t a single parasite anywhere on or inside your chubby body, and I am losing sleep trying to figure out how I can make you happy and healthy again. You are only 9 and I buy you the best food and medicine and vet care money can buy, but we just don’t know what’s wrong with you buddy... please let this next treatment work you fat sack of poo poo please, I just want you to be soft and happy again
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Jul 30, 2020 13:52
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Bremma posted:Have you investigated atopic dermatits? My orange cat Ayla has it and she's on a liquid med Atopica that's helped. She sometimes gets a little worse (she's got a patch on her ear right now) but it's better than her grooming herself bald/raw on her tummy and limbs and kicking her ears bloody. Sadly it'll be a maintenance drug but she's at least down to 4x a week from 7. Thank you I will ask his vet about this! I love him so much and I just want his buns to be soft again, he’s doing exactly as you describe, cleaning his buns raw!
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Jul 30, 2020 20:50
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 Cosmo, why the gently caress have you suddenly decided potty time is a group activity? If I leave the door open, Cosmo will jump in the tub and poop or pee with me now! What? I just cleaned your box, you’re literally 10 years old and I’ve had you the entire time, why develop new pooping behaviors now?
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Aug 10, 2020 15:47
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 This rotting pumpkin loser is resting because hoarking up a giant pile of barf onto my hoodie took a lot out of him. Please respect my poor baby kitty in these trying times. I hate you Barfmo the cat, I hate you
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Sep 24, 2020 07:17
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 This chubby pumpkin CLOWN from the CHEESECAKE CIRCUS FOR TUBBIES slept on my phone and muffled the alarm so completely that we both slept through it and I just had to call in “fat” for work...
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Nov 25, 2020 16:19
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RIP Babs, a cat I don’t know but surely would have loved. I hope your up in Kitty Valhalla with a saucer of cream and a bunch of helpless tuna or diabetic mice just rolling around in the grass like little hotdogs.
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Aug 28, 2021 14:05
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 Momo, you fat orange pumpkin spice diphshit, I’m quite pleased that you’ve taken up Olympic style relay races around our fancy new apartment, I’m glad you’re following your dreams and getting some excercise, but do you have to do it at 5:30 in the goddam morning while me and the dog are desperately trying to sleep for another few hours before work? And leave me alone when I’m making GBS threads you dork! This isn’t WWI, pooping is not a male bonding activity!
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Oct 1, 2021 11:48
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My theory is that we as humans subconsciously look at our current household task a lot before we start it so a cat starts following your eyes the more focus you put on something and then decides to go sit down on whatever you’re paying attention to so that you have to feed them or pick them up and snuggle their buns
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Oct 29, 2021 14:26
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You should be more accommodating to Taco. It’s obvious they work really hard down at the store that they are clearly the manager of, as indicated by the smart bow tie.
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Nov 20, 2021 14:38
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 Daisy, I love you, and I love that you love gravy. I love giving you a mix of wet and dry food with gravy toppers because you’re a little old lady and I love you but why do you gotta RUB YOUR FILTHY GRAVY FACE ON THE CARPET… AND MY DUVET… AND MY PILLOWS AND MY COUCH AND MY WHOLE APARTMENT SMELLS LIKE GRAVY because you can’t use your own pooch pants as a napkin
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Jan 14, 2022 14:25
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Goddam that is a capital, absolutely CAPITAL bowtie, little guy. Be nice to your mom/dad and please eat ur food, I want you big and plump as a Christmas goose.
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Apr 26, 2022 13:55
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| # ¿ May 9, 2024 10:24 |
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Bootsy, when I rescued you from getting squished in the parking lot of a Food Lion back in February, I thought “gee I need to rescue this cat and find her a safe home” and now barely two months go by and you surprise me like this! I haven’t had any time or extra $ to get you fixed and it turns out you’ve been PREGNANT since the day we met!   went in to check on her in my closet this morning (she started sleeping in their 2 days ago) and I woke up to this pile of trash!!! Now I gotta spend all summer with 5 cats in a one bedroom apartment!? WTF!? (Please welcome Booster, Mittens, & Tiger Lily to Earth, they are all basically blind little hamsters)
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Apr 28, 2022 12:35
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