DECEPTION! DISGRACE! Let's Read Handbook for Mortals

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Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

Gentlemen

Let us give thanks

# ? Jun 11, 2018 16:31

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# ? May 15, 2024 18:57

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

Along with the synopsis of the script, that also gave us this blog post. This appears to be the only post made on the blog back in 2012, so I'm not sure who made it or why, but it's probably the first public glimpse of Lani Sarem. Just in case it gets taken down for whatever reason:

quote:

100 Monkeys are no more.

Surprising, right?

Not really. You see, this almost happened once before, during the 100 Cities tour. The boys were exhausted and playing more dates than they should have in a row and tempers got heated. The band were close to breaking point and good old Marty was running around doing all he could.

It�s safe to say that first and foremost before they were 100 Monkeys, the entertainers, G, J, Uncle, Jackson and Jerad were friends. They stuck together through thick and thin, along with Marty and Scott, things were pretty sweet and peachy. But, once the tour finished and new managers came along, things because stricter, more organized. Some said this was good, some said it was too much for the boys. But, they powered through until someone better came along. Forget Creamer. Forget Tim. This was the era of Lani Sarem.

One thing you should know is that 100 Monkeys did NOT want to be managed by a female, never the less, one who acted like she was their best friend. Lani went above and beyond her job, and in the beginning she was useful. She helped establish the fan club again after the band left it to run into the ground. She out put a new person in charge of the street team (more on her later) and pretty much shook the band back on to an even keel. Things looked good.

However, a few months down the line, Marty quit. Strange, huh? He was gone and who stepped up to take his place? Lani. Now, let�s not forget that Marty had been there since the beginning. He�d stuck by those boys through changes in manager, he�d been pushed aside and called a tour manager in favor of Tim who was less than adequate. And it seemed he�d had enough.

So, alongside Lani is Mary Kallhoff, the person who now bullies and alienates fans by blocking them from the street team Facebook page, after calling it �her� page. I�m sorry, sister, but since when did YOU own the street team or the right to the 100 Monkeys name/brand? I�m guessing never. Mary was left with the bulk of the work after Adrienne, the previous street team director hosed up royally. However, power doesn�t give you the right to treat fans like she has. Clearly, it�s gone to her head. Being in Lani�s back pocket does that to you, I suppose.

The discord set in with the band when Lani became too much. As you can all see, Lani controls pretty much all of their poo poo. Their Facebook, their twitter. NONE of what you saw was Jackson, Jerad, Ben, Ben or Uncle. It was her. The overuse of smiley faces gave that poo poo away.

Here�s the ugly truth: Jackson did not like Lani. After the personal developments in his life, which created animosity between the band, the end was coming. Jackson quit the band after Lani was not fired. Let�s be truthful, y�all. Jackson is the star of that band. He is the one who pulls the crowds in. Jerad is the personality of the band, he gets the fans going with his caring and friendly attitude. Uncle is Uncle. He�s the Gentleman of Jazz.

So, when you are quick to blame Jackson, take a step back and realize this: 100 Monkeys did not break up because Jackson wanted out. They broke up because of poor management and people who did not know their place. They broke up because lines were blurred and people thought they had more power than they really did.

Now what�s left of the shell of 100 Monkeys? Two less than enthusiastic, burnt out friends and two guys from god knows where wrapped up in a pink, pathetic excuse for a band. So the real casualty is this: those five men lost people that were like family. They lost their friendships, their bonds. And they are NOT to blame.

# ? Jun 11, 2018 16:45

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

My favorite revelation from that blog post is that she wrote in several nude scenes for herself

# ? Jun 11, 2018 17:28

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Yeah though I can't say I'm actually surprised about it.

# ? Jun 11, 2018 17:33

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

At this point I want the movie to get made because this sounds Tommy Wiseau as gently caress

# ? Jun 11, 2018 17:43

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

Mel Mudkiper posted:

At this point I want the movie to get made because this sounds Tommy Wiseau as gently caress

I think we can all do without a gratuitous shot of Lani exposing her rear end to the camera while walking to the bathroom.

# ? Jun 11, 2018 18:18

value-brand cereal: May 2, 2008

Mel Mudkiper posted:

My favorite revelation from that blog post is that she wrote in several nude scenes for herself

And that there's characters commentating on her/her character's sexiness to the point of sexual harassment. I know this was written years ago, but it hasn't aged well.

Mel Mudkiper posted:

At this point I want the movie to get made because this sounds Tommy Wiseau as gently caress

God, isn't there a project for star wars where fans recreate 60 seconds of a scene and then it's all stitched together? Goon Project: Handbook number four Mortals where we recreate each scene. What a glorious mess that would be!

...I guess barbie dolls can be used for the nude scenes. For everyone's sanity.

# ? Jun 11, 2018 18:22

iospace: Jan 19, 2038

What sanity?

# ? Jun 11, 2018 18:55

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

value-brand cereal posted:

...I guess barbie dolls can be used for the nude scenes. For everyone's sanity.

Use Barbie dolls for every scene.

# ? Jun 11, 2018 19:43

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

just a little thread necromancy to point out The Hate U Give has a movie adaptation out next week

let the wonderful cosmic justice of that wash over you

# ? Sep 28, 2018 16:55

Wheat Loaf: Feb 13, 2012; by FactsAreUseless

Does Rookie of the Year still promote this?

# ? Sep 28, 2018 17:16

RaspberrySea: Nov 29, 2004

Mel Mudkiper posted:

just a little thread necromancy to point out The Hate U Give has a movie adaptation out next week

let the wonderful cosmic justice of that wash over you

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/the_hate_u_give

Sitting pretty at 100%!

# ? Sep 28, 2018 21:51

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

https://twitter.com/RockanRollGypsy/status/1042881934949531648

They're still trying!

# ? Sep 29, 2018 00:14

Codependent Poster: Oct 20, 2003

Pretty sure you'll always be able to get a copy before it's turned into a movie since that will never happen

# ? Sep 29, 2018 00:18

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

I've seen a lot of Barnes & Noble book signings. I guess there's not a very strict requirement to getting a store to host your book signing.

# ? Sep 29, 2018 04:36

Zamboni Rodeo: Jul 19, 2007; NEVER play "Lady of Spain" AGAIN!

Which is a serious bummer, because having a national chain like B&N host signings legitimizes her in a way she doesn't deserve.

# ? Sep 29, 2018 19:36

Sham bam bamina!: Nov 6, 2012; ƨtupid cat

Hm. Unlike some people, I'm not jealous when an up-and-coming author gets a bit of promotion. Maybe the whiners should try writing a book themselves.

# ? Sep 29, 2018 20:27

Malachite_Dragon: Mar 31, 2010; Weaving Merry Christmas magic

Not really 'up and coming' when you literally engage in a scam to artificially inflate interest in your paper turd.

# ? Sep 30, 2018 06:57

Sham bam bamina!: Nov 6, 2012; ƨtupid cat

You can believe what you want. But at the end of the day, Lani has her novel, and you have...? :rolleyes:

# ? Sep 30, 2018 07:16

Malachite_Dragon: Mar 31, 2010; Weaving Merry Christmas magic

Secure knowledge that I never paid anyone to lie about my theoretical trashpile of a book, or paid a Russian review brigade to leave false positive reviews of it to trick more people into giving me money.
:keke:

# ? Sep 30, 2018 07:50

Sham bam bamina!: Nov 6, 2012; ƨtupid cat

OK, I really didn't expect you to go along with my schtick this far.

# ? Sep 30, 2018 08:02

Malachite_Dragon: Mar 31, 2010; Weaving Merry Christmas magic

I'm an overnight security guard and it's only 2am, I'll take what entertainment I can get.

# ? Sep 30, 2018 08:06

A human heart: Oct 10, 2012

Malachite_Dragon posted:

Secure knowledge that I never paid anyone to lie about my theoretical trashpile of a book, or paid a Russian review brigade to leave false positive reviews of it to trick more people into giving me money.

oh so tricking people into giving you money is supposed to be bad now?

# ? Sep 30, 2018 09:17

Malachite_Dragon: Mar 31, 2010; Weaving Merry Christmas magic

Chris Roberts is a bad role model, I'm sorry you had to learn it here first

# ? Sep 30, 2018 09:21

SUPERMAN'S GAL PAL: Feb 21, 2006; Holy Moly! DARKSEID IS!

Her little tweet got all of nine likes and zero replies, meaning the �haters� don�t even give a poo poo. While blocking her (which I somehow hadn�t done yet) I noticed some of her recent hits include griping about getting milk on a flight and making a showy post about it being Left-Handed people day where she had the audacity to refer to a right-handed world. Also, that particular B&N hasn�t used their own account since June.

She hosed up so thoroughly she�s less of a blip to the general public compared to similar, thoroughly online-based scandals.

# ? Sep 30, 2018 21:08

A human heart: Oct 10, 2012

to me, you guys sound a lot more hosed up and weird than the person you're trying to make fun of

# ? Oct 1, 2018 00:24

Davros1: Jul 19, 2007; You've got to admit, you are kind of implausible

Mel Mudkiper posted:

just a little thread necromancy to point out The Hate U Give has a movie adaptation out next week

let the wonderful cosmic justice of that wash over you

Just saw that the author of "Hate" passed away

# ? Oct 6, 2018 21:54

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

Davros1 posted:

Just saw that the author of "Hate" passed away

I freaked out a little but it was actually the film's screenwriter, Audrey Wells. Angie Thomas is still alive.

# ? Oct 6, 2018 22:33

Beardless: Aug 12, 2011; I am Centurion Titus Polonius. And the only trouble I've had is that nobody seem to realize that I'm their superior officer.

Davros1 posted:

Just saw that the author of "Hate" passed away

Just for clarification, the screenwriter of the movie passed away, not the author of the original book.

# ? Oct 6, 2018 22:33

precision: May 7, 2006; by VideoGames

I'm slowly making my way through this amazing journey and I think the best/worst thing is that I know about 30 people who are identical to Lani and every single one of them thinks they're intensely unique and not at all mainstream

# ? Oct 6, 2018 23:58

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

Davros1 posted:

Just saw that the author of "Hate" passed away

Does anyone have an alibi for Lani?

# ? Oct 7, 2018 00:04

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

precision posted:

I'm slowly making my way through this amazing journey and I think the best/worst thing is that I know about 30 people who are identical to Lani and every single one of them thinks they're intensely unique and not at all mainstream

Lanis are pretty common, and her work isn't that unique compared to the average unpublished fanfic. The only thing that made her different is that she put a ton of effort and money into trying to cheat into fame, way beyond what the average self-absorbed author is willing to do. She spent a lot of money to permanently ruin her professional reputation.

# ? Oct 7, 2018 16:08

precision: May 7, 2006; by VideoGames

Yeah. "Check this out, I listen to Dixie Chicks and Dave Matthews" is like the watered down version of "I like Public Enemy and Johnny Cash", and frankly makes the fact that a chapter of Gossip Girl opens with a Pavement quote look good

# ? Oct 7, 2018 21:18

Wheat Loaf: Feb 13, 2012; by FactsAreUseless

If it's all set in Las Vegas the characters should really be bragging about their in-depth appreciation for Wayne Newton and Liberace to show their Vegas cred. :v:

# ? Oct 7, 2018 21:23

precision: May 7, 2006; by VideoGames

Talking of which, I just got to the chapter with Wayne Newton and Carrot Top and lmaoooooo

Also, the Plain White T's got a record deal like, what, 10 years ago now? How long had this poo poo been festering in her brain???

Edit: oh my god the tarot part. I've been a tarot reader for 22 years, over half that time I've been doing it professionally, and while I've come to accept that many (if not most) people who read cards are bad at it and believe stupid poo poo, I still almost had to literally stop reading because of how badly she butchered Literally Everything About It

precision fucked around with this message at 07:02 on Oct 8, 2018

# ? Oct 8, 2018 06:45

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# ? May 15, 2024 18:57

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

precision posted:

Talking of which, I just got to the chapter with Wayne Newton and Carrot Top and lmaoooooo

Also, the Plain White T's got a record deal like, what, 10 years ago now? How long had this poo poo been festering in her brain???

Probably since whenever she stopped being their manager. Jenny Trout's sporking mentioned that when the excuse for Jackson not appearing in the end is because they're going on tour with Imagine Dragons, there was a real tour with 100 Monkeys and Imagine Dragons going on at the time of writing.

# ? Oct 8, 2018 13:49

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