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Jim shrinks Dwight down to the size of a Tiny Jim, rolls Dwight up in rice and seaweed, and serves him raw to a Japanese businessman.
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Apr 30, 2024 18:56
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| # ? May 3, 2024 02:02 |
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Jim gets arrested for cruelty to clowns and has all his clowns taken away. This is a prank on Dwight because Jim registered Schrute Farms as the county clown shelter and now Dwight has 26 rescue clowns to care for.
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Apr 30, 2024 20:57
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All of the orphan clowns Dwight has to take care of are chronically depressed and sick, spending most of their days crying in iron lungs.
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Apr 30, 2024 21:20
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Dwight returns from the break room with a bag of hot buttered popcorn only for Jim, wearing a giant baggy pair of red overalls, to shoulder check him and get buttered popcorn all over his clothes. "Dwight, what the gently caress bro? Bitch, what the gently caress? You got hot buttered popcorn all over my Roger Rabbit Pants! Do you have any idea how much these cost? You'll pay for this bro, you'll pay DEARLY!" Jim lunges for Dwight but trips over the cuff of his pants and lands, flat on the ground and exposes his rear end, also red and covered by fur like a Baboon's. Hot Buttered popcorn slips down his pants, scalding his inner thighs with fourth degree burns. He Yowches and tries to run for the bathroom but is constrained by his overalls, which stretch like elastic but pull him back into his pants seconds before he can reach the doorknob. The velocity propels he and his red pants across every corner of the room, like a pinball, all the time hooting "Hoo-Hoo! Hoo-Hoo!" Dwight, who is still hungry, goes for a steaming cup of piping-hot ramen, and then of course something will happen to that. FunkyAl fucked around with this message at 02:32 on May 1, 2024 |
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Apr 30, 2024 22:27
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Jim uses a funnel to pour a cup of piping hot ramen directly into Dwight's urethra.
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Apr 30, 2024 23:58
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Jim introduces The Piping Hot Marinara Sauce Pipe at Famous Original Jim’s. The newest innovation in Pizza House technology, The Piping Hot Marinara Sauce Pipe allows guests to get their own highly pressurized, scaldingly hot marinara anytime they please (for $9.99). As the honored first customer, Dwight smiles for the cameras and turns to press the dispenser button.
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May 1, 2024 11:07
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Jim puts a rubber spider on the dispenser button for The Piping Hot Marinara Sauce Pipe, giving Dwight a small fright when Dwight goes to press it (the button).
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May 1, 2024 12:22
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In the middle of the night Dwight wakes up and hears a terrible whining noise coming from the foot of his bed. Thinking it might be Mose, Dwight slides out of bed to comfort him. However, he instead finds a Tiny Jim sitting at the foot of the bed, head in his hands, sobbing. Dwight cautiously reaches out to comfort him, only for the Jim to jerk up and stare at him. "Christ, Dwight, I'm sorry, man. I'm so sorry. It's just, I thought maybe you'd understand, right?" Dwight smells alcohol on the Tiny Jim's breath and clothes and asks if he needs a ride home. "Home? Dwight, why do you think I came here, man? I had to get OUT of there, I couldn't be a PART of it. It's gone way too far, right? I'm culpable now, I'm involved. There's blood on my hands, man!" Nervously, Dwight asks what exactly is going on here. The Tiny Jim looks at Dwight, his whole body shaking, and then smacks his forehead. "gently caress. No, I'm sorry. You're still okay, I didn't tell you enough. Just forget about it. I'll call an Uber or something, just forget about it. Please. For your sake." Dwight stands there silently as the Tiny Jim leaves the bedroom. Dwight lays in bed, unable to fall asleep, as he eventually sees headlights on the ceiling of the bedroom signaling the arrival of the Tiny Jim's Uber. Dwight closes his eyes and eventually drifts off to sleep, although it's not a very restful night. At work the next day, Jim shows up with a box of donuts. "Hey, Dwight! Can I interest you in some fresh donuts? You get the first pick, God knows you love the sweet stuff, right?" Jim "jokingly" pokes Dwight in his stomach, which is as flat as a washboard and feels like its made of solid steel. Dwight frowns and bats Jim's hand away, then grabs a jelly filled donut. He cautiously sniffs it, then takes a bite. It is, of course, incredibly gross. Dwight tosses it in the garbage can. "HA!" Jim cackles. "Half the donuts were gross and half weren't! Looks like luck was on my side, Balloon Boy!" Dwight returns to work, telling Jim that he doesn't have time for this. Jim leaves the rest of the donuts in the break room. A few minutes later, the office is filled with Creed alternately saying "DELICIOUS!" and "DISGUSTING!" as he eats every single donut. At lunch, Dwight collects his garbage to take out to the dumpster and get some fresh air. As he does, he sees a tiny human leg sticking out of his donut. Cautiously, Dwight grabs it and pulls it out, finding an entire butchered Tiny Jim inside of there. He holds back vomit and looks over at Jim, who is absently staring at his computer screen. Trying to stay calm, Dwight asks if Jim made the donuts himself. "Huh? Nah, I'm too busy making pizza every night. Well, making pizza and making whoopie, if you know what I mean. The Tiny Jims helped me! One of them actually just started a bakery, if you can believe it." Dwight carefully slides the donut into a ziploc bag and rushes outside. He looks up to the office window and, seeing that no one is watching, he slides the donut/murder scene into his car to investigate later. He tosses the rest of the garbage in the dumpster, causing a mouse to scurry away in the process. Dwight walks back into the building, his heart pounding, convinced that Tiny eyes may be trained on him right now.
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May 1, 2024 14:41
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Dwight takes a sip of his coffee and instantly spits it out as it burns his mouth. He looks over at Jim who is already mugging. "What's the matter, Dwight? I thought you liked your coffee hot... HOT PEPPER THAT IS!" Jim then tosses a handful of red pepper flakes into Dwight's face, giggling the entire time. Dwight rushes to the warehouse to use the eye wash as Jim kicks back in his desk and lets out a contented sigh. Suddenly, he feels his phone buzzing in his pocket. It's a Tiny Jim, so Jim picks it up. "Hello, this is Jim Halpert. How can I help you?" "Hey there, Boss. Listen, we got a problem out here. One of the Tiny Jims, well, it's actually pretty funny in a way, I guess. You see, he... well..." "He what?" Jim says, a smile forming on his face. "What happened? Tell me... is he all messed up? Is he... disfigured?" "Heh," says the Tiny Jim over the phone. "You know, why don't we leave it as a surprise? Trust me, you really need to see this. Can you get out here?" "Hee hee, well when you put it that way, sure. I got nothing going on. I'll be out there in about 20 minutes. Make sure that guy's still messed up or crying or whatever, okay?" Jim hangs up the phone and, a smile plastered on his face, rushes out of the office. When Dwight returns, he asks Pam where Jim is. Pam shrugs and says he got a call about "some stupid prank or something". Dwight rushes out in a hurry, only to see Jim peeling out of the parking lot. Dwight curses the fact that Toby hasn't authorized an emergency eyewash for the office and heads for his car in hot pursuit of Jim. When Jim arrives at the Halpert House he finds the Head Tiny Jim standing outside with a clipboard. Jim asks to see whatever's going on, and the Tiny Jim leads him into the basement. "You see, Boss, the thing is... this guy... haha. He's right in that corner there, do you see him?" The Tiny Jim points at a darkened corner of the basement. Jim doesn't see anything, but his vision HAS been giving him trouble lately. He leans a little closer. "C'mon, Boss, I'll show you." The Tiny Jim leads Jim to the corner, revealing another Tiny Jim laying in a pool of something red. "Oh man, you weren't kidding," Jim says with a widening grin. "This guy is all messed up. What... what happened?" "Look a little closer, Boss. Go on." Licking his lips, Jim leans in. Suddenly, the Tiny Jim leaps up from the ground and hops on Jim's face. He reveals a syringe and swiftly injects it into Jim's neck. "What the fuuuuuu-" Jim says as he drifts off to sleep, collapsing in a heap. The basement is eerily silent for a moment before the Head Tiny Jim speaks. "He'll be out for hours, it's time to begin the ceremony. Tell the Tiny Jims to start the pyre and prepare the vessel."
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May 1, 2024 17:15
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As Dwight leans in closer to his computer to read the latest riveting installment of the Tiny Jim saga, Jim wallops Dwight in the back of the head with a NERF bat, causing Dwight's face to mash into the monitor and leave a greasy makeup imprint in the shape of Dwight's face. (Jim put clown makeup on Dwight while Dwight was asleep then replaced all the mirrors in Dwight's house with Ultra Hi Def screens with realtime deepfake technology that made it look like Dwight wasn't wearing makeup so Dwight didn't realize Dwight was wearing clown makeup).
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May 1, 2024 20:22
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Jim blows up Dwight’s bathroom. Literally.
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May 2, 2024 13:04
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Dwight is driving to work and prepares to merge from the interchange onto I95. The acceleration lane is really short here so there's little margin for error. Dwight whips around the corner and hits the gas to try and match speed, but the car to his left keeps pace with him. In fact the car appears to be doing it on purpose. Time is running out so Dwight hits the brakes to merge in behind this dummy who's probably not paying attention, but the other driver ALSO hits their brakes. The acceleration lane is coming to an end and Dwight has no choice but to slow down even further, and the other car ALSO slows down. Finally at the last second Dwight lays on the horn and the other driver hits their gas, causing a cloud of exhaust out their tailpipe, and Dwight sees a floppy middle finger rise into the air as the poo poo box drives away. The whole experience lives rent free in his head for the rest of the drive and really ruins his morning. What a loving rear end in a top hat that other driver was. Where did they learn to drive?
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May 2, 2024 13:20
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Jim blows up Dwight's bathroom. Figuratively. Dwight's bathroom becomes the most watched stream on Twitch, unbeknownst to Dwight.
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May 2, 2024 13:53
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Jim blows up Dwight's bathroom. Figuratively. Jim takes a massive, rank poo poo in Dwight's toilet. The stench is so bad that things basically unfold like the Stink Bomb segment from the Japanese animated anthology Memories (1995), with the terrible odor spreading over all of Scranton, rendering huge swathes of the population incapacitated. Things culminate with the National Guard detonating a "daisy cutter" air-fuel explosive over Schrute Farms in an attempt to destroy the source of the stink. So I guess Jim in a roundabout way also literally blows up Dwight's bathroom.
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May 2, 2024 14:28
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Dwight pulls into the Halpert House driveway and finds a Tiny Jim mowing the lawn. The Tiny Jim waves at Dwight with a big smile, then shuts off the Tiny Mower. "Hey, Dwight! What's up, man, can I get you anything?" Dwight asks if Jim came by here recently, lying and saying that Jim must have taken some paperwork home that Dwight needs. "Nah, not that I noticed at least, but I was mowing the backyard there for a bit and he might have slipped past me. How about this, I'll give you a call if he comes by here!" Dwight thanks the Tiny Jim, trying his best to keep a positive look on his face despite the fear growing in his heart. He decides to take a risk and asks the tiny Jim if one of the Tiny Jims has gone missing lately, remembering the Tiny corpse that had been baked into a donut. The Tiny Jim shifts his weight and scratches his chin. "You know what, actually, yeah! One of us did go missing. He's got a bit of a drinking problem, we figured he was out on a bender somewhere. Hey, good thing you got us those great benefits and we can get him the help he needs, right?" Dwight nods and agrees. "Say, you didn't see him, did you? A couple of nights ago? He was saying something crazy, just ranting about things that made no sense at all. There's no chance he showed up at your house, right?" Dwight swallows with an audible gulp and says he hasn't seen any Tiny Jims since the picnic a few days ago. "Okay. It's just odd, you know, that you asked about him. How'd you know he was missing, Dwight?" Dwight notices that the Tiny Jim has put one hand in his pocket and is fiddling with something in there. Sensing danger, Dwight's martial arts skills (honed from decades of diligence at Sensei Mike's dojo at the strip mall) kick into overdrive. Dwight delivers a mighty karate chop to the Tiny Jim, folding him in half and knocking the wind out of him. Dwight then applies a guillotine choke (which is pretty difficult on a guy that small) and demands to know where Jim is. "Dwight, c'mon, man," the Tiny Jim chokes out. "I like you. I don't wanna do this. Just let him go, you'll be better off." Dwight applies a little more pressure and knocks the Tiny Jim out. He discretely moves the Tiny Jim and the Tiny Mower into the back seat of his car, so as to not arouse suspicion. Then, he heads to the front door of the Halpert House. He rings the doorbell (it plays the theme song for Mars Needs Moms) and, a few seconds later, another Tiny Jim answers the door. This one, however, has a Tiny gun pointed directly at Dwight. "Don't move, Dwight. Don't even think about it, okay? You've got one chance, out of respect for all you did for us. Turn around, leave the Tiny Jim on the sidewalk, drive away, and forget about this. One chance. Please, take it." It would be easy to leave Jim to his fate, Dwight realizes. Just walk away, forget about this, and return to the office without getting pranked. Dwight lets out a long, pained sigh. And then he delivers a mighty kick to the Tiny Jim, punting him across the living room. Dwight rushes into the Halpert House and grabs the first thing he can find to use as a weapon - a commemorative Minions statue. The house is oppressively hot and every surface seems to give off the odor of sweat and desperation. Dwight looks towards the open basement door and sees a light coming from downstairs. He readies his courage, clutches his Minion statue, and heads downstairs.
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May 2, 2024 14:34
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Jim blows up Dwight’s balloons. Literally. He, Jim, puts his floppy, slimy lips all over Dwight’s favorite balloons and blows them up too much and now they’re all stretched out and gross and ruined. “What’s the matter Balloon Boy, someone let the cat out of the bag?” Dwight, confused by the non sequitur, closes his eyes and counts to ten before he does something rash. With his eyes closed, he misses Jim making a balloon dick & balls out of his Collector’s Edition Edward James Olmos balloon.
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May 2, 2024 14:39
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Jim lets the cat out of the bag, literally. He takes it out of the plastic wrap in Dwight’s freezer, where Dwight was cryogenically storing Angela’s terminally ill cat, Muffin, until the day science advances enough to cure the disease. Unfortunately, Jim’s actions caused Muffin to freeze to death, causing Angela to get mad at Dwight.
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May 2, 2024 14:53
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Jim blows up Dwight's bathroom. Metaphorically. What Jim literally blows up is Dwight's goldfish by putting a lit firecracker in its mouth. "The goldfish is a metaphor for Dwight's bathroom," Jim explains in a talking head segment while wearing a beret and smoking a cigarette.
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May 2, 2024 16:13
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Jim and Pam take turns making tender, yet passionate, goldfish to Dwight’s bathroom
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May 2, 2024 16:32
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Jim puts dog poo poo into a brown paper bag, lights it on fire on Dwight's porch, and rings the doorbell. In a talking head segment he explains that this prank symbolizes blowing up Dwight's bathroom.
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May 2, 2024 18:30
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Jim enters his decoy urinal costume in an art fair. His artist’s statement says that this represents blowing up traditional aesthetic notions of art.
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May 2, 2024 18:37
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LaserPrinter69 posted:Jim puts dog poo poo into a brown paper bag, lights it on fire on Dwight's porch, and rings the doorbell. In a second talking head segment, Jim admits that it was his , Jim’s, own poo poo, not a dog’s.
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May 2, 2024 18:58
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As Dwight rushes downstairs he feels the stairs sagging under his weight and a thick humidity in the air. Bounding off the bottom step, Dwight sees an unconscious Jim strapped to his racecar bed. Around him are dozens, possibly hundreds, of Tiny Jims. The Head Tiny Jim is dressed in a ceremonial robe; purple velvet covered in ornate golden patterns. Dwight realizes, almost instinctively, that they are constellations charting the skies in some long ago time, perhaps even before mankind walked the earth. He shudders as the Tiny Jims turn their attention to him. The Head Tiny Jim steps forward, a dagger in one hand and a chalice in the other. "Dwight," he says in a calm voice. "You shouldn't have come this far. We didn't want to involve you. All of this... it doesn't concern anyone except for Jim." Dwight, sadly, shakes his head. He says that Jim, despite his many flaws, is still his coworker. And, as such, he owes it to him to stop whatever madness is occurring here. "Heh, of course, honorable and charitable to the end. We Tiny Jims loved you, Dwight. We did this FOR YOU, do you understand? But we knew you wouldn't allow it, you're just... you're just so NICE all the time. So we hatched all of this in secret, you see. You fought to get us our Union, which meant we had free time. Some of us became bakers, some became great orators. Others, sadly, turned to the bottle. But a few of us turned to the arcane arts, perhaps as a way to figure out just what we truly are. And, in that research, discoveries were made. Ways to transfer life essences, ways to transform flesh. It's all very dramatic, I admit, but our end goal is righteous. The scourge of Jim Halpert will be wiped from existence. Instead, one of our brotherhood will occupy his body. Imagine the good we can do, Dwight? All of his influence, money, and power being wielded for the good of mankind? Instead of some stupid loving pranks? Can you imagine?" Standing in the oppressive atmosphere and surrounded by Tiny Jims, Dwight thinks. No more pranks. Jim's seemingly unlimited finances being put towards good use. Then Dwight remembers something else. He asks the Head Tiny Jim about the murdered Tiny Jim, the one he found in his donut. The Head Tiny Jim looks sad, truly sad, as he speaks. "That was a difficult decision for us, Dwight. His drinking, you see, it led towards some unfortunate thoughts floating around in his head. He wanted to warn Jim about this. He wanted to stop it from happening. And, well, he forced our hand. Now then, YOU don't want to stop this, do you? Dwight looks around. He's completelly surrounded and he notices that many of the Tiny Jims have weapons. In the eerie darkness of the basement he can see pained expressions on their faces. They don't want to fight him, they truly do love and respect him. They just want to get rid of Jim forever. Dwight realizes this is a pretty easy decision after all. With that, Dwight launches a mighty roundhouse kick, sending the Tiny Jims scattering. "YOU FOOL!" screeches the Head Tiny Jim. "You would have been so happy! WE ALL WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY!" Swinging the Minion Commemorative Statue like a club, Dwight knocks his way through the crowd of Tiny Jims to reach the racecar bed. He winces in pain as some of the Tiny Jims slice and stab at his legs with their crude weapons, but still he soldiers on. He slaps Jim in the face as hard as he can. Nothing happens. He slaps again and again but Jim remains unconscious. Frustrated, Dwight smashes the Minion statue on the ground, causing a crowd of Tiny Jims to scatter. As if on cue, Jim springs away. "Jesus, Dwight, did you break my statue? That cost me eight hundred dollars! Your rear end is paying for that, believe me!" Dwight begins untying Jim and explains what's going on to the dumbfounded Jim. As he does, Tiny Jims swarm the two paper salesmen and begin attacking. Some slice and cut with their weapons, other throw tiny punches and kicks. Some just begin to bite and scratch. Dwight realizes he's bleeding quite severely now but at least Jim is free. The Head Tiny Jim has climbed on top of a bookshelf now and begins chanting something. Dwight picks up a handful of Tiny Jims and throws them, hoping to disrupt whatever arcane magick is being performed here. The Head Tiny Jim is knocked over but still remains on top of the shelf. "RELEASE THE TINY DWIGHTS!" Jim and Dwight both freeze and look at each other. There's a groaning noise and part of the basement wall lifts up, revealing a long hallway illuminated by artificial lights. There comes the booming sounds of hundreds of tiny footsteps. "We loved you, Dwight!" the Head Tiny Jim says in a manic voice. "We loved you so much we tried to make a Dwight for each of us. God help us, we just wanted our own Dwights!" From the tunnel comes a mass of humanity. Hundreds of malformed Tiny Dwights - some with extra limbs, some with none - rush forth. Dwight has to hold back vomit as the monstrous mockeries come at them. One near the head of the pack opens his mouth and a tongue the length of his body rolls out and drags on the ground. Another Tiny Dwight drags a malformed arm behind him, clawlike nails digging into the ground. They are all dressed in simple mustard-yellow scraps of cloth. "Jesus, Dwight, they look just like you!" Jim says.
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May 2, 2024 19:19
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Jim puts Dwight through the wringer. Literally. Dwight gets squashed and flattened out like a cartoon. Jim folds Dwight up and puts him away in his dresser next to Jim's Minions Underoos.
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May 2, 2024 19:28
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| # ? May 3, 2024 02:02 |
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Jim takes up residence inside a giant squash. This is a prank on Dwight because the giant squash is blocking Dwight's driveway. Jim mugs for the cameras and waves at Dwight from the kitchen window cut in the squash.
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May 2, 2024 23:29
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