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A particularly chilling scene in After Office Hours, the documentary about the erratic production process behind the beloved sitcom, features an increasingly irate John Krasinski demanding that the diffident Rainn Wilson film a bizarre dishwasher seduction scene as part of a “gross out prank challenge.”
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Apr 16, 2024 11:55
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| # ? May 2, 2024 17:21 |
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Dwight suppresses a sigh as he’s forced to climb over Jim (nude except for a pair of red tennis shoes) to reach his coffee machine. Jim, covered in dried sweat and dishwasher detergent, fell asleep on the floor (again) after a long night of having sex with Dwight’s appliances. His leg kicks in his sleep, like a dog. What Dwight doesn’t notice is the faint sheen of coffee grounds in Jim’s mouth…
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Apr 16, 2024 12:24
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Jim somehow turns Dwight’s bathroom into a bathrobe, leaving a void of empty space where the bathroom once was. Dwight, wearing his bathroom, dials the Scranton Home for the Criminally Insane. “HELLO, THANK YOU FOR CALLING PA PRANKSTERS WAHAHAHAHAHA WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!” A gunshot is heard followed by the sound of a squeaking clown nose before the line goes dead. Dwight glares at the camera.
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Apr 16, 2024 12:33
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Jim fires Dwight from PA Pranksters. Dwight never worked there, but now he has to explain why there's a "termination for cause" on his work record every time he applies for a job.
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Apr 16, 2024 14:08
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Jim hack the Hubble space telescope and takes full control. He waits for Dwight to take a piss at the urinal by the window and zooms in and starts a live feed to the internet. The high angle makes his junk look extra tiny. As the image slow zooms out after Dwight's world wide humiliation, we see Jim mug for the camera.
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Apr 16, 2024 14:09
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"it's time to hack the planet," Jim says as he sits down at his desk. He's dressed in a leather trenchcoat, those sunglasses that go over the top of your head, and tight leather pants. "Elevate keyboard!" As Jim says this, hsi keyboard begins to float above the desk. As he rapidly types away tiny hologram letters fly around the office. "Elevation, level two. This hack just got extreme!" The keyboard floats a little bit higher in the air and Jim types faster and faster. He starts to sweat. "Pam, activate the hydration tanks. This hack just kicked it up to another level of extreme!" Pam gives Jim a can of Mountain Dew and a bendy straw. As he slurps it down, he types faster and faster and faster. Hologram letters are now zipping around the office like crazy. "HACK COMPLETE! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the future." Nobody's sure what Jim actually did but that night Dwight discovers his refrigerator door has been left open all day, spoiling quite a bit of food.
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Apr 16, 2024 14:19
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"It's time to hack the planet!" declares Jim. Dwight waits for something to happen but everyone in the office is just staring expectantly at Dwight so Dwight begins to feel awkward like he forgot he was supposed to do something. Later when Dwight returns home he discovers his refrigerator has given birth to a litter of baby refrigerators all with Jim's mugging face.
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Apr 16, 2024 14:23
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A Fancy Hat posted:"it's time to hack the planet," Jim says as he sits down at his desk. He's dressed in a leather trenchcoat, those sunglasses that go over the top of your head, and tight leather pants. Jim canonically drinks Surge 
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Apr 16, 2024 15:22
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Dwight "cannonically" drinks Surge after Jim fills an antique Boer War-era cannon with the discontinued 90's-era soft drink and fires the weapon into Dwight's kitchen window while Dwight is enjoying his glass of morning beet juice.
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Apr 16, 2024 15:33
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poisonpill posted:Jim canonically drinks Surge Jim, his vision having been clouded by his sunglasses and the holographic letters, looks down at the can of Mountain Dew in his hand. "The gently caress is this? MDK! MDK! MOUNTAIN DEW KILLER! MDK ALL FUCKIN' DAY!" Jim then throws the half-empty can at Pam's head, where it bounces off with a metallic clink.
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Apr 16, 2024 15:35
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Jim hires a contortionist to hide in Dwight's suitcase and to pop out and scare Dwight during a sales conference.
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Apr 16, 2024 16:39
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Taffy Jr. posted:Jim hires a contortionist to hide in Dwight's suitcase and to pop out and scare Dwight during a sales conference. Jim forgets to drill air holes. A dead body pops out at the TSA checkpoint...
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Apr 16, 2024 16:57
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"It's time to hike the planet!" declares Jim. He downs an entire can of SURGE in one gulp and sets off on a trek of self-discovery and adventure around the world. Later that day, Jim’s shriveled and emaciated corpse is discovered curled in a ball three feet outside the office doors.
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Apr 16, 2024 17:46
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Dwight receives a package in the mail that contains a severed human toe. He reports this to the police, who note that the toe belongs to... Dwight K Schrute. Dwight has an existential breakdown, realizing that Jim is beyond time and space and will prank him for eternity. In reality, Jim has simply taken over the Scranton Police Department and oversees every aspect of crime investigation. "I'm getting too old for this poo poo," he says, wearily, as he writes another fake parking ticket claiming Dwight was parked on top of a downtown skyscraper.
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Apr 16, 2024 17:57
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Dwight is one day from retirement, and Jim assigns him to sell paper in person to a violence gang on the wrong side of the tracks
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Apr 16, 2024 18:15
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Jim surgically drinks a cannon, confusing Dwight.
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Apr 16, 2024 18:16
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Jim builds a lab that converts Dwight’s stolen piss into new cans of SURGE, solving the world’s SURGE shortage.
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Apr 16, 2024 18:22
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David Wallace authorizes a new paper salesman AI, warning the salesmen and women of Dunder Mifflin that they'll have to "keep up" with the AI in order to keep their jobs. Jim and Dwight become unlikely allies in the battle against the computer, with Jim growing concerned over his future employment (and proximity to Dwight) and Dwight continuing his constant battle against AI. "Listen, Dwight, don't get thing confused. I'm still going to prank you once we've beaten this stupid robot, understood?" Dwight smiles and says he understands perfectly. The next 8 hours are a flurry of activity, with Dwight and Jim each working as hard as possible to make every possible sale. Jim starts cold calling famous pranksters such as Logan Paul and that guy who ties balloons to people in groceries stores and records it for TikTok, making massive sales each time. Dwight shores up his sales with his regular, loyal customers and then begins to expand out to more obscure clients. "These guys are... unreal!" Oscar says as Jim records another $500 sale to the Impractical Jokers. "Incredible," Angela says with tears in her eyes as Dwight sells 50 pallets of paper to the local animal shelter . "Dwight and Jim are keeping up with the AI salesman!" "No," Kevin says, beaming with pride. "They're beating it! Look!" On a monitor that David Wallace installed appear the sales numbers for the day. The robot has made a grand total of $23,500 in sales. Jim crosses $26,000 with his most recent sale, and Dwight hits $27,200 with his sale of the pallets. Suddenly, the building begins to shake and a girlish scream emanates from Toby's desk. As he runs away, his computer begins to transform into a humanoid shape. "Impossible!" the computer says in an electronic voice. "No mortal can defeat my salesmanship! You will all die for this impertinence!" The computer rushes towards Kevin with one clawed hand ready to strike. In a flash, Dwight rushes over and catches the robot's hand, sparing Kevin's life. Jim is right behind him and begins hitting the robot with a flurry of extremely awkward punches. "Dwight! I have a way to finish this guy off, but you're going to have to keep him from moving for 5 minutes. Can you do that?" Dwight says he can and grabs the robot in a powerful bear hug as Jim begins to grunt with effort. Dwight urges Jim to hurry up. "Sorry to keep you waiting," Jim says with a smile as he begins to glow with arcane energy. "I originally planned to use this to prank you Dwight, but it'll take care of this guy just as easily." Jim then lets out a massive fart that fills the entire office. The salesman robot is unaffected and proceeds to brutally slaughter everyone in the office before making its way to Jim. "Did you think that trick would work on me, human?" "You know what? For a minute," Jim says with a smile, "I kinda did." Jim mugs for the camera as he's destroyed by the paper selling AI. David Wallace marks the entire thing down as a success and the new salesman AI is rolled out to all Dunder Mifflin branches.
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Apr 16, 2024 18:42
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Jim kidnaps cereal mascots Snap, Crackle, and Pop and imprisons them in a jar in Dwight's basement before making an anonymous call to the police.
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Apr 16, 2024 19:10
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Jim says "the real Count Chocula" has been spotted on the outskirts of Scranton feasting on livestock. Dwight dismisses this at first but finds Mose reeking of chocolate and with two pinprick wounds on his neck one night and begins to worry that there may be something to this.
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Apr 16, 2024 19:16
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Oh no!  Chocolate is really bad for dogs!
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Apr 16, 2024 20:01
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While Dwight sleeps, Jim spray-paints Dwight’s Trans Am hot pink, then paints a sleeping Michael’s palm the same color to frame him. A furious Dwight confronts Michael in the office the next day. But Michael deflects it by pretending he did it “to raise awareness… for breast cancer! Yes! Dwight, are you saying your car is more important than ending breast cancer?!?” Dwight is shamed and Michael enjoys a rare moment of praise from his coworkers… which he immediately ruins by offering all the women “free manual breast exams”
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Apr 16, 2024 20:16
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Jim tells Dwight that "the real Frankenberry" is in the supply closet. When Dwight rushes to release Frankenberry from captivity, the enraged monster attacks Dwight before running amok through the office. Jim mugs for the camera as he pens an epistolary novel describing the cereal mascot's tragic story.
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Apr 16, 2024 20:33
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Jim tells Dwight that the real "Halle Berry" is in the supply closet. Dwight goes to check to see what kind of mischief Dwight is up to, and sees the real Halle Berry bound and gagged, she looks up with fear and shakes her head as if to warn him, but it is too late, Jim strikes Dwight in the back of the head with a shovel, knocking him out. When he comes to he is suspended over a tank full of swordfish in a high school gymnasium which is having a monster themed ball. Jim announces on the live speaker "Time for an executive decision Dwight. Answer my riddles three and you will die another day. Can you answer the call? Fail and you will be gone in 60 seconds!" "She wasn't in Gone in 60 seconds!" Dwight shouts frustratingly
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Apr 16, 2024 22:06
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Jim unhinges his jaw and swallows Dwight whole, over the course of a few hours
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Apr 16, 2024 22:37
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Jim volunteers for the Hunger Games while wearing an ultra-realistic Dwight mask.
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Apr 17, 2024 00:30
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Taffy Jr. posted:Jim volunteers for the Hunger Games while wearing an ultra-realistic Dwight mask. It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Jim as Dwight mugs for the camera.
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Apr 17, 2024 04:10
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"It's time to hike the planet!" declares Jim. He downs an entire can of SURGE in one gulp and sets off on a "trek of star-discovery" and adventure around the world. Unfortunately, Jim's excessive crying, and spinning in circles whilst yelling about a mycelium network does not actually allow him to instantly transport around the world. The situation is made more awkward that before he tries to spin, he declares "Black Alert" the same time Stanley walks back from the break-room. Dwight weirdly fells like he might swindling Jim in this prank.
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Apr 17, 2024 05:58
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Jim “Rick rolls” Dwight by pushing him in front of a speeding rickshaw.
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Apr 17, 2024 11:54
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Jim purchases the rights to "Pop-Up Video" from VH1 and causes tiny factoid bubbles to pop up every time Dwight does something. Dwight opens his drawer and finds his stapler encased in jell-o. Suddenly, and without warning, a bubble appears. "In 1897, in LeRoy, New York, carpenter and cough syrup manufacturer Pearle Bixby Wait trademarked a gelatin dessert called "Jell-O". Wait and his wife, May, added strawberry, raspberry, orange, and lemon flavoring to granulated gelatin and sugar." Dwight staggers backwards, summoning another bubble from the Aether ""Pilot" (alternatively titled "The Office: An American Workplace") is the first episode of the first season of the American comedy television series The Office. The episode premiered in the United States on NBC on March 24, 2005. The episode's teleplay was adapted by Greg Daniels from the original script of the first episode of the British version written by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. "Pilot" was directed by Ken Kwapis." This bubble knocks Dwight into a filing cabinet, causing it topple over and pin him to the ground. Jim mugs for the camera as a bubble pops up behind his head. "Antisocial behavior may be related to a number of neurological defects, such as head trauma. Antisocial behavior is associated with decreased grey matter in the right lentiform nucleus, left insular, and frontopolar cortex. Increased volumes of grey matter have been observed in the right fusiform gyrus, inferior parietal cortex, right cingulate gyrus, and post-central cortex."
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Apr 17, 2024 13:28
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Jim's withered and emaciated right lentiform nucleus concocts a plan to prank Dwight by siphoning all the gas from Dwight's Trans-Am and replacing it with Surge
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Apr 17, 2024 13:42
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Jim gets Dwight caught between two different civilizations trying to colonize the same planet. With Richard Dean Anderson.
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Apr 17, 2024 13:53
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Dwight discovers that Jim has a secret career as one of the top erotic friend fiction writers on the internet. His series of sexually charged novels exploring the friendship/sexual partnership between a man and his dishwasher have millions of loyal fans and is rumored to be the inspiration behind several hit TV shows. While initially proud of Jim for finding some success, Dwight is filled with a growing sense of dread after he learns the main characters are named “Jhim” and “Dwit.”
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Apr 17, 2024 14:24
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John Krasinski smacks his hand against his oak writing desk as one of the producers of A Quiet Place: Day One sits across from him. "John, reshoots aren't always bad. It's just... the test screenings picked up a few issues with the plot. We all just want to put out the best movie possible, right?' "We already were," John says with anger bubbling up in his throat. "The movie was perfect, just like all of my films. What didn't the loving morons in that test audience like?" "Well, it's just... there was some concern over the return of your character from the first movie. Don't get me wrong! They were happy to see him. But he seemed to have knowledge of future events, At one point he specifically tells a character, quote, 'Whatever you do, don't let your kids get stuck in a grain silo while the monsters are outside trying to get them.'. John, this piece of dialogue occurs in the first 3 minutes of the movie, before the monsters have even shown up." "Yeah? And? I'm failing to see the issue here. Lee was an engineer, of course he'd be concerned about the dangers of a grain silo." "John," the producer says, rubbing his eyes, "we want to bring in a script doctor. Somebody to clean up a few things, make some cuts. We'll give you another $2 million for reshoots, that's pretty drat generous, because we believe in this franchise. We know you can put out a better movie." John Krasinski sits there, silently, for a very long time. The awkwardness in the room is palpable as he shifts in his seat. "Fine. fine. That's great. I suppose you also have a probably with the sassy gay robot sidekick?" "No, actually he tested extremely well with audiences."
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Apr 17, 2024 14:51
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Jim says "the real Tony the Tiger" has been spotted prowling around. Dwight scoffs and turns his attention back to his presale report, but as soon as he does, a deep 10Hz growl fills the air. (The average human can only hear down to 20Hz, but years of meditation and kegals have increased Dwight's perception.) Dwight refuses to turn around. There's no way Jim could have stolen a tiger... right?
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Apr 17, 2024 15:20
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Jim feels pretty lazy and just throws a mug at Dwight's head. He's shocked, however, as the mug passes completely through Dwight and shatters on the ground. Dwight keeps typing away, not reacting at all to the failed prank. "Huzzah?" Jim says, theatrically rubbing his eyes. "Wuzzah?" Over at Schrute Farms, Dwight gets a notification on his phone that his hologram has been compromised. Dwight quickly activates the matter transporter to move him back to his desk. The change is seamless, with Dwight replacing the hologram in a millisecond. Dwight looks over at Jim with befuddlement.
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Apr 17, 2024 15:32
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Jim can't get enough Sugar Crisp no matter how much Dwight shovels down Jim's throat and Dwight is starting to become concerned.
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Apr 18, 2024 15:35
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Jim teleports a second Dwight inside the first one. Dwight 1 explodes into gibs, only to seemingly look fine to onlookers despite being covered in the entrails of Dwight 1. Dwight 2 starts screaming, having shared his consciousness with the first one.
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Apr 18, 2024 15:40
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"Hey, Dwight, are you a jukebox hero? Cuz you've got stars in your eyes!" With that, Jim tosses a handful of star-shaped glitter in Dwight's face. Dwight falls to the ground in agony, trying to get the glitter out by pouring a bottle of water in his eyes. Jim chuckles at his prank but then looks down at his hand. There's a piece of glitter still on there, directly in the center of his palm. He tries to shake if off, but its stuck. He realizes that it's not a piece of glitter at all, its a mark on his skin. "Pam? Have I always had this mark on my palm?" Pam looks up from her desk and shrugs her shoulders. "Huh. Wonder if I should get that checked out." That night, Jim tosses and turns in his racecar bed. Could there be something wrong with him? He reaches for his nightstand light but freezes in shock when he realizes his hand is emitting light all on its own - the star-shaped mark is glowing. Jim buries his hand under a pile of blankets, vowing to go see a doctor first thing in the morning. He doesn't sleep a wink until the sun rises. When Jim pulls his hand out from under the blankets he's horrified to discover the star-shaped mark has grown slightly and is now emanating heat as well as light. And, somehow, there are now tiny freckles that have popped up all around it. In fact, when Jim looks closely he realizes they're MOVING around the star. "They're planets... they're orbiting it," Jim says in an awed whisper. "What the hell?" Jim decides to forgo the doctor for now, realizing that no normal doctor could understand this. "They'd probably send me to a lab somewhere. I'd spend the rest of my life getting poked and prodded and dissected. I can handle this. I've had weird poo poo happen before." Jim doesn't show up to work for 3 days and, in that time, something incredible happens. The star on his hand becomes a binary star and the orbiting freckles develop their own tiny moons. As Jim watches he begins to notice infinitely small flecks jutting across the surface of some of the freckles. One night, one of the freckles glows faintly. "Life," Jim says with a smile. "They're building a civilization down there." On the third night Jim's hand is a flurry of activity. Something tiny shoots from one planet to another, and Jim realizes that this is the first interplanetary travel for this strange civilization. Over the course of a sleepless night Jim watches life flourish on all the planets as the citizens of his miniscule universe meet each other and, blessedly, become allies. The tiny solar system flourishes and, soon enough, Jim notices movement occurring near his wrist. He watches in silence as a small mole appears. An identical mole then appears near the pad of his middle finger. Tiny freckles launch themselves from one mole to the other across the tiny solar system. "They've figured out how to travel across their solar system. They're so far ahead of us now. It's like I'm looking into the future." The binary stars that began this entire experience soon change, too, as the tiny people around them begin to harness them for energy. More tiny planetoids pop up, space colonies to support the ever growing populations of this solar system. But Jim can sense a sort of beautiful peace occurring on his palm; these are people who live in harmony with their worlds. They never take too much and always leave behind more than they've taken. This is a universe that could last forever. Jim stares at his palm and wonders, for a moment, if they consider him God. Or if they've outgrown stories like that at this point. Jim watches as the most dynamic change yet occurs; the binary star is joined by a third, artificial star created by the unified societies of Jim's hand. As the binary stars eventually burn out, the artificial star continues to provide life-giving light and heat to the worlds contained within Jim's palm. "Incredible. Absolutely incredible. And they don't even realize how much more stuff is out there for them to explore." As if on cue, Jim watches a freckle move up his arm and stop around his bicep. It sits there for a moment before launching out tiny specks that land on some of Jim's other freckles. Over the course of an hour Jim watches a freckle start to glow ("another civilization has discovered how to harness light", he thinks) and then launch out tiny specks across the rest of his body. A week later, Pam finally comes down to the basement to check on Jim, since his prolonged absence has led to Dunder Mifflin cancelling his paycheck. "Jim?!?! Jim?!? What the gently caress are you up to down here?" "Look," Jim says a throaty whisper, "look at what they've done now!" Jim creeps out of the corner of the basement, his entire emaciated body glowing with light. Moles move of their own accord across his body, freckles spin and orbit. Jim has stripped his body nude and it's as if his flesh is covered in thousands of tiny insects, each one dancing around. "Jesus, Jim, what the hell happened?" Jim takes another step forward and Pam realizes that its more than just his skin imperfections moving now, Jim's flesh is twisting, too. "They know how to warp spacetime now, Pam! They can manipulate my flesh to get wherever they need to go, isn't that incredible? They've begun travelling into the depths of my body to find new resources and things to explore. Can you imagine what my brain looks like to them? Can you?" Pam holds back bile at the thought of this, but Jim seems practically overwhelmed with joy. He takes another step closer and Pam realizes that he's something else now, something beyond human. "Jim, you can go now. You don't have to stay here any more, okay? You can leave." "Thanks, Pam," Jim says with a smile on his otherwise blank face. "I was hoping you'd say that. Tell Dwight I finally understand him." With that, Jim returns to the corner of the room, his body lightly glowing. Pam watches as he seems to shimmer for a moment, then lose any semblance of human form. For a moment, just a moment, Jim seems to be everywhere around her and she recognizes a warmth that she hasn't sensed in her husband for years. She feels a tear run down her cheek and remembers watching fireworks on the roof of Dunder Mifflin long ago. Then, like that, Jim is gone. The room is dark again, there are no more lights and contorting flesh. Dwight, having been through weeks of therapy to repair his damaged eyes, feels a cool breeze brush across his back at this exact moment. His eyes are instantly healed and all pain is gone.
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Apr 18, 2024 16:23
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| # ? May 2, 2024 17:21 |
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Jim brutally murders Oscar, Ryan, and Stanley and leaves their mangled bodies on the floor of The Office. After carefully removing any trace of his presence, Jim places “evidence” consisting of Battlestar Galactica DVD’s, thus implicating Dwight. The Scranton police arrest Dwight, solving The Three Body Problem in record time.
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Apr 18, 2024 16:41
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