Happy Landfill posted:

I lost Pippin over the holidays but I dreamt about him last night and need somewhere to put my thoughts. It wasn't the first time I've dreamt of him since he passed, but it was so vivid and felt so real; it was one of those dreams where you are basically in bed trying to sleep, in the same clothes and the light in your room is the exact same just like in real life when you closed your eyes so it's extra mind-fucky. I felt him at my feet, under the covers, one of his favorite places to sleep, and I nudged him with my foot and could feel him making his way up the bed to me. I could see his face come in to view from under the blankets and I felt such a rush of relief as I held him in my arms. "Pippin, oh Pippin!" I cried, like some lovely Hallmark movie. He had such a look of utter annoyance on his face, like he was saying, "what the heck, I'm right here, dummy" but I could so clearly feel him leaning in to my hug. I just remember holding him so tightly before, just, waking up. It feels like I lost him all over again.

He was 19. I got him when I was 14 after my dad moved out. My mom wanted to get me and my brother pets to kind of make up for the fact that dad wasn't there any more, so we got Pippin and his brother, Nemo. We lost Nemo back in 2014, so Pippin finally got to join him again. He was with me through a lot of lovely stuff and he could always tell when I needed someone rub fur over my tear-stained face. Pippin was on a steady decline all last year, just losing weight and losing his eyesight. It was a struggle to get him to eat but I tried everything I could, even doing subdermal fluids to keep him hydrated. But his kidneys were going, and I knew that, and the vet finally told me mid-november that I should start looking in to end-of-life care. I'm glad he did because I was able to arrange for in-home euthinasia for him on the day after Christmas. I held him in my lap while he was surrounded by my roommates and my mom. He held on as long as he could and I still feel like maybe I should have called the doctor sooner. In his last couple weeks he could hardly make it to the litter box, but he still tried. He could definitely make it out to the heater vent in the kitchen, though. He mustered enough strength to meander out while my roommate was wrapping some last minute presents, too, whcih was incredibly funny, like, he just couldn't resist one last go as the Present Wrapping Helper(i.e. sit on the edge of the paper while looking very proud). The week before christmas brought some lovely weather which kept me home for a couple days from work and I just laid there in bed with him, watching tv and the snow outside, whith him curled up at my side. I feel like the weather granted me a couple extra days with him. I just miss feeling him curled up against me whenever I was in bed. My bed is so empty without him.

Anyway, thank you guys for listening. And now I'm just sitting here reading every one else's posts and just weeping. Why is this so hard