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Yesterday I had to say goodbye to my beloved kitty Bella. It happened so recently that I'm not ready to look at pictures without breaking down, but I will try to soon. I'm not quite sure how old she was but she must have been at least 20 or older. When we first got her, she was my sister's cat and I was very young in elementary school. When my sister moved out she became the family cat and then she became my cat. She was with me nearly my whole life and she was the sweetest most loving little kitty I've ever had. When I was sad or anxious or upset she'd be there to nuzzle me and rub on me and cuddle. She would sometimes roll over on her back and welcomed tummy rubs. She had the softest fluffy fur in the world and long whiskers and a sweet little baby face even when she was old. When she was younger she'd freak out if I went to take a shower and insisted on coming in and meowing at me until I would get out. When I got home from work or school she'd perk up from wherever she was sitting and meow until I came to cuddle her. If I went into another room she'd follow. When I would lie down in bed she would tuck herself as deep between my arm and my torso as she could. In winter I'd sometimes notice soot near her nose and mouth and on her tongue and realize she'd been licking soot off the fireplace logs like a little stinker. She used to always sleep at the foot of my bed, and then as she got older I would wake up and she'd tucked herself into the little spoon position, and in the last few years she would just crawl under the covers and snuggle up to my body heat. Her health was never especially good but she seemed to always bounce back from every scare. She even came back from being blind. In October, her retinas blew out from hypertension and the emergency vet I took her to said her sight wouldn't come back. I thought this might be the beginning of the end but one week later her retinas had re-attached and it was like she'd never gone blind in the first place. We had nearly 4 more months together after that. She had kidney disease for several years and thyroid disease for even longer so the idea that I would have to say goodbye was something I knew I would have to consider eventually but I would shut down those thoughts each time because I couldn't bear it, just thinking of it would get me sobbing uncontrollably. She started acting strangely 3 weeks ago but I thought it was related to the change in her medicine that we started around that time. This week she suddenly deteriorated so quickly that I took her to get examined. I found out on Friday morning that she had fluid in her abdomen and would probably not make it through the week, if even the next few days. I arranged for someone to come put her to sleep at home so she could go sitting on one of her favorite spots, and since she used to be the family cat, the family was all there to say their goodbyes. Everything happened so quickly that it felt like a dream to me. In the 24 hours before I had to say goodbye I kept telling myself that this was probably the best way it could have gone, that I had done everything that I could have and no prior knowledge would've been able to change the outcome, that she'd lived the longest she could with the best care I could afford her, that I didn't have to have the guilt and fear that I could have avoided this that I know I would have been haunted by if she had deteriorated after the October incident instead, that from her perspective she was just drifting off to sleep surrounded by all the people who took care of her and loved her. I kept repeating this to myself so it would hurt less and I could accept what was happening but when the vet arrived it was like none of what was happening was real and I couldn't react to it. I knelt down in front of her so I could be what she saw as she drifted off and I spoke to her with the soft voice I would use when I would comfort her and for some reason I couldn't cry. She was the most important thing in the world to me and I couldn't understand why I wasn't crying or reacting to what was happening. My parents told me they thought I was being very strong for her to say comforting words to her without wavering as she lost consciousness but I wasn't really trying to hold it together, I felt like I was a character acting out their part in a play while it was happening. I became very frustrated with myself, because I had just lost the most important piece of my life and yet I couldn't let my emotions out and start grieving even though I wanted to so bad. I really wanted to cry so it could feel real and I could at least start the process of moving on. I think I must have been in a state of shock. Later that night, I was trying to articulate how I was feeling and realized I was lonely for the first time. I finally broke out wailing and crying. I could finally start to feel a little bit that she wasn't there anymore and she won't be again. The grief comes in waves and it's getting easier to manage over time but I keep thinking about her little head poking through the door when she wanted to come in, or the little notch in her ear, or her body warmth when she would crawl under the covers to snuggle up to me. I keep walking into the room wanting so bad to pet her again even though I know she's gone. It feels like part of my heart has been ripped out. She was the light of my life and my reason for living. I love you Bella, and I miss you so much. I'm so sorry. She looked like a really great kitty and it sounds like you really enriched each others lives.
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Feb 10, 2020 03:16
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| # ¿ May 8, 2024 16:03 |
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It's been a week now. I never thought I would be the person who held onto ashes or projected meaning onto the remains of someone after they've already left but it felt so unreal when they put her to sleep and carried her off that I wound up panicking the next morning and asking them if I could have her ashes back after the aquamation even though it hadn't been part of my original request because I needed to feel closure. Today I received her ashes in a small wooden box about the size of my hands cupped together. I know it's weird of me but it feels a little better to have a piece of her back home with us. The thought of her being scattered by someone she didn't know in a place she'd never been without the presence of any of the people she loved was painful to me which is part of why I changed my mind about her remains even though I know it's kind of meaningless and I know it's more about my feelings than hers since she's gone now. She was an indoor cat so I'm not really sure where to go from here though. There's nowhere she cared about where I could scatter her. I worked up the courage to look at some of her pictures recently. I wish I had taken more but I never messed with cameras or phones much. little beans  :p  You can see how long her whiskers were in this one. Baby.  I'm glad I took this picture in December because it's something she'd been doing for years but I never thought to document. If I ever had the door closed and she wanted in I'd hear a clacky noise and look over and see a little paw reaching under the door, then when I would go over and peek underneath, she'd retract her paw and push her face into the crack. If I ever had the door open just a little she'd push it open with her face too so the first thing I'd see when she would come in was her little head peeking past the side of the door.  This is the blurriest pic in the world but it's the only one I could find of her doing her tummy up pose. This is from back from before we changed her diet so she was much chubbier (and before the thyroid disease).  My family has also been sharing some stories that I barely remembered because I was so young. Around when we first got Bella, my friend who had come over to play left our front door open by accident when she went home and we couldn't find the kitty anywhere in the house after that so we desperately searched the neighborhood with no luck. Hours later, we were all sitting in the living room and crying over the loss when we heard a meow and Bella just sauntered in like nothing happened. My mom's hypothesis was that she somehow snuck into a partly opened closet we didn't think to check and was napping the whole time. This has been the first day that the crying and sadness has reached a manageable level. I will never not miss her but I'm hoping that I'm finally making progress with moving on and not feeling paralyzingly crushed by her absence. Hasselblad posted:This is some heavy stuff, and part of me feels guilty if I am NOT grieving for him. Pets leave a large vacuum behind for sure. I'm sure you know this but processing your grief and reaching a point where you can move on doesn't lessen the bond you had with him at all. I completely get why you would feel that way since I feel it a little too now that I'm finally starting to work through it, but he will still have had an important place in your life no matter how you adapt.
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Feb 16, 2020 06:24
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I keep remembering little things she used to do that I don't want to forget. Something that used to be a little annoying when she did it but I'll always look back on fondly is that when she'd wake up before me, she would crawl out from under the covers and put her face up close to mine and then boop me on the nose with her nose until I'd get up. Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry since I found out I would have to say goodbye to her on the 7th. It's been almost 3 weeks since I saw her and it's finally getting easier but part of that scares me. I stand by what I said about how moving on doesn't lessen how much she shaped my life but sometimes it feels like I'm slowly forgetting what she meant to me because it's the only way I can get over it rather than truly processing that she's gone. She was with me for over two thirds of my life, it's difficult for me to even comprehend what life without her means. It still feels kind of like she's just on a trip somewhere. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, he looks like he was a great cat. My sister lost her cat in a very similar situation and said there was probably nothing anyone could have told her at the time that would have made her feel better but that talking to people about it and how awful it was and just being heard helped her a little. Give yourself time to properly mourn but if a while has passed and you still find yourself having a hard time coping with what happened, you may want to try counseling or group therapy. There's also probably local grief/pet loss hotlines if you need to talk to someone more urgently. It's extremely common to feel things like guilt or anger or obsessing over what you did or didn't do after a sudden loss like this and I know it's not as simple as just not doing that but please remember that you are not omnipotent and did the best you could. When my first cat passed I kept kicking myself for not showering him with love and affection every waking moment he had been with me but looking back on it now I can recognize that I gave him plenty of love and was just blaming myself for why it felt so bad. Cherish the time you have with your kitty and please take care of yourself and your family.
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Feb 29, 2020 05:31
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