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Now that I've composed myself somewhat, I want to write about my precious boy Radar who passed away Sunday morning. He was a brindle half pitbull, half bluetick coonhound. He was 11 going on 12 years old.  In his last couple years, Radar had some intermittent mobility issues in his old age. And Saturday night, March 11, 2023, when I was helping him climb into bed, I lifted him by his chest and he suddenly shrieked in pain. I figured he must have some kind of muscle injury again, so I made him comfortable on the floor so we could deal with it in the morning. Except he did not get comfortable. He was breathing shallow, panting, and pacing restlessly. What I figured was a pain response to an injury (not the first time I've seen this), was possibly something more serious because he was shaking raggedly when breathing and started hacking up some kind of white fluid. At 3 AM I took him to the emergency vet. The vet thought there might be a problem with his neck and possibly a distended stomach, so they took him back for x-rays and ultrasound. Instead, they found massive fluid buildup in his chest cavity which turned out to be straight up blood. They went back to drain the blood and re-image him to find the root cause. The wait was agonizing. It was a tumor - a rather large one - on or near his heart which caused a rupture and massive internal hemorrhaging. The vets told me he was between a rock and a hard place, that he would need continuous transfusions and draining of fluid just to get him to the point where he could see a specialist to figure out next steps. Even then his odds were very poor because of the size and location of this loving tumor. They recommended euthanasia. Through sobs and arguing (or really, bargaining), I finally agreed. Otherwise, he risks bleeding out and suffocating at the same time in his own fluids. I will not put my boy through that. Thankfully, my mom lives close-ish by and came to offer support in the middle of the night, god bless her. I was able to find one (1) traveling vet that would do home euthanasia on Sundays and she wouldn't be available until 7PM. This was at around 7 AM and because it was off hours, the cost was exorbitant. We would put him to sleep right there in the ER. When they finally wheeled him into our rather nice waiting room, he was sleepy from all the drugs and blood loss, but he still perked up when he saw us. I was kissing him, petting him and giving him his favorite ear massages, but he still seemed like he wanted to climb down off the gurney. He's a smart boy, he knows something is up. I had the tech give him a little more juice to calm him down because he was scared, which shattered my heart. We gaze into each other's eyes for awhile and Radar has tears too. I know dogs don't cry like we do, but it was uncanny. It fucks me up so bad, I can't get that image out of my head. He didn't want to go. The last thing he saw was his dad telling him everything will be ok and we'll be together again soon. I am sobbing my guts out as I write this. It was the most emotionally brutal thing I have ever experienced, but I know he’s no longer suffering or afraid.  Radar was a "rescue", in a sense. His original owner was an acquaintance of my cousin's - a scumbag who mostly kept him in a small room with broken glass and fed him table scraps. My cousins would occasionally kidnap him for trips to the park and vet and such. I don't know much about this era of his life, but I do know he lived this way for around a year - his entire puppyhood. I found this out much later, but it qualifies as animal abuse, imo.   Here he is at 4 months old in late 2011. I wouldn't even meet him for another 5 years. Shortly after this was taken, my cousin adopted him. My cousin is not a scumbag, but he was a fuckup and he was not in a position to care for a dog at the time. He lived off and on between my uncle and my cousin until October 2016 when they started reaching out to find him a new home. They contacted me directly and asked if I wanted to meet him. I was extremely busy with work and about to have eye surgery where I would be effectively blind for days on end afterwards, but I humored them. What I found was the most beautiful and friendly brindle dog that I’ve ever seen and fell in love instantly. Seriously, just look at this boy. How can you not?  Well, he didn’t look exactly like this at the time. His neck was swollen from a severe ear infection. After our first vet visit, we were able to clear it up pretty quickly. The vet said if it had gone on much longer, he would have lost his hearing. He was also badly overweight. Like I said, my cousin was a fuckup. Living with him was a significant upgrade from living with the scumbag, but it still wasn’t great for him. My uncle did a much better job when he was with him is my understanding. His first year or so with me was a bit rocky – by the time I took him home, he was already five years old with some bad habits. He came from a nasty situation and was poorly socialized with very little structure or routine in his life. He was already potty trained and was mostly fine in the house but walking him was a nightmare at first – he acted like a menace to society and was extremely reactive to other dogs. I researched everything I could about dog training and long story short, I turned him into a respectable citizen through positive reinforcement, heel training, and proper socialization. And treats. So many goddamn treats. He still had some problems with other dogs even until his last days, but it was very manageable.  Here he is with his little doggy boot on to protect his bandages. This is after he managed to split his toenail in half after busting through the backyard fence like the drat Kool-Aid man to get to one of his dog rivals walking by. Like a dog catching a car, he didn’t even know what to do, so they just stared each other down and thankfully the incident was resolved peacefully. Except for the toenail thing. Good job, you goober.    We had six great years of twice daily walks, frequent trips to the park, car rides, hikes and the occasional feud with the neighbor dogs. Even though he had reactive behavior at times with cats and dogs, he wouldn’t hurt a fly – a true gentle giant. He never once bit anyone, or another dog, other than playing. He was the best cuddler and thought he was a lap dog even though he weighed 95 pounds. He didn’t care about toys and couldn’t fetch to save his life. What he did love was wrestling and tag. We would wear each other out roughhousing and running around the backyard like a couple of idiots. He loved people, even total strangers. If someone broke in, he would probably give them a tour.   Given his reactive nature to anything with four legs, I thought he would be a handful when I decided to take him to meet my mom's dogs, Finny and Katy. He must have known instinctively that they were members of the pack and they were best buddies immediately, rather unexpectedly.  Then along came Mocha, the abandoned stray   Mailman   He loved to roll around in the grass and sunbathe. He would take naps just like this while basking. Rolling was also his favorite dawdling tactic when he didn’t want to go home from a walk.  His appetite was legendary and a sort of running gag. Maybe because of trauma from his early life, but that boy loved to eat. Then, in some sort of cruel, cosmic irony, he’s diagnosed with hypothyroidism (which increases appetite) and then some months later, Cushing’s disease (which increases appetite). Thankfully, the vet got those under control through medication and his appetite went back to normal insane levels, down from insane insane levels.   I never met a dog who loved to hide under the covers like this guy. He loved to cuddle while swaddled like a baby with his nose poking out. He was adorable beyond description. Sorry for the 5 billion words. I could write 5 billion more. I just wanted to tell his story and scream from the rooftops how much I loved and adored this dog. I’d also like to say that I read every single story in this thread from start to finish. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in these feelings. His passing leaves a gaping hole in my heart, and the world, but I know he had a good life and brought immense joy to me and everyone he met. I love you so much, buddy. 
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Mar 14, 2023 22:10
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WhiteHowler posted:You never need to apologize for using this thread to process and heal. Post five billion more words if you need to. Thank you for the kind words.  Writing a little eulogy for him was cathartic and helped me focus on the good times we had instead of dwelling on his last day or the feelings of absence.VVVVV thank you so much Top Gun Reference fucked around with this message at 15:55 on Mar 16, 2023 |
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Mar 15, 2023 09:42
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Adrianics posted:Thank you so much for telling Radar's story and for telling it so well. I cannot tell you how sorry I am that this happened so suddenly and far before either of you were ready, but thanks to you Radar went out of his world far happier than he was when he came into it, and you rescued him from a lovely start in order to give him a perfect middle and end. He died surrounded by your love, as he will be forever now. Thank you, and to everyone offering condolences. My friends and family have been very supportive and they’re all animal lovers too, so they know how devastating it can be. I can’t imagine going through this alone. This thread has also been very helpful. I picked up his cremains last week and made a nice little memorial for him which is an important step. I also donated his food and medicine to one of the local vet clinics. Partly an act of charity, and partly because seeing his stuff around the house was too painful. Getting closure is important and hopefully someone can use it. I’d also like to offer my own condolences to Smilingfish and NomChompsky. Really, everyone who posted ITT. I know what you’re going through, and it sucks so incredibly much. Saying “it gets easier” might be a bit of a cliche for dealing with grief, but it’s true. The love we have, and the longing doesn’t diminish, nor should it, but we get better at coping. Hopefully Dwight will stick around for awhile and you can spend as much quality time as possible with him. 'Give your animals a hug' is right – life is too drat short and it’s important to make every second count with our loved ones. Recent events have definitely put that into sharper focus for me. NomChompsky posted:She was such a sweetheart and she just didn't deserve for biology to just happen to her like that. Also, this made me chuckle bitterly and I feel this so strongly. Biology is a motherfucker. Top Gun Reference fucked around with this message at 01:52 on Mar 30, 2023 |
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Mar 30, 2023 01:38
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