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The draft is upon us! Soon it will be time to leave the 2023 season behind and look ahead in abject terror at the upcoming 2024 NFL season. Hello friends, this is the thread for the best division in football, the NFC East! Lets take a look at our teams! The Dallas Cowboys   2023 record: 12-5 What you lost: A wild card round game to a Packers team that barely snuck into the playoffs. 48-32 makes it seem like it was almost a competitive game but lets face it, it wasn't even close. You also lost Michael Gallup, which probably isn't that big a deal in the long ruin. Holy poo poo, he's a 7-year vet now? I always had it in my head he was a guy who'd only been in the league a couple years and we were all just waiting for him to turn into something. Leighton Vander-Esch has finally retired but has been around so little that it's likely nobody noticed. Big loss in Dan Quinn, who's defenses look great and then just randomly turn to total dog poo poo. Tony Pollard is also gone, but didn't exactly impress as the #1 RB. What you gained: Mike Zimmer mostly. The Cowboys took one look at free agency and said nah, so there aren't any serious players to talk about here. Zimmer was always good at getting the most out of meh/washed DBs, which... okay I guess. I'm not sure that was the problem that needed addressing. Still not a bad hire. gently caress the Cowboys though. What stayed the same: Mike McCarthy is still lingering like a fart in an elevator. Also Dak Prescott, his Walter Payton MotY patch and his fresh new sexual assault allegations. Dak is on the last year of his contract and has four void years after this. His cap hit is $40 million next year regardless. Jerry Jones is lingering like the guy who farted in the elevator. Your draft picks: Round 1: No. 24 Round 2: No. 56 Round 3: No. 87 Round 5: No. 174 Round 6: No. 216 Round 7: No. 233 (via Las Vegas) Round 7: No. 244 Anyway, that's the Dallas Cowboys. gently caress 'em. Personally, I'm a fan of... The Philadelphia Eagles  2023 record: 11-6 What you lost: A wild card game against the Buccaneers in which you looked like a D2 college team and not one of the good ones. Also all self respect at not only hiring Matt Patricia at the start of last year in a bullshit executive role but then actually moving him to DC, a move which actually made possibly the worst defense in the league somehow even worse. Also, a game to the Zach Wilson Jets. The gently caress? DT Fletcher Cox and Center Jason Kelce have finally called it quits after long, successful careers. They will be missed, but lovely people won't stop bitching about Kelce so we'll still get to hear about him sometimes.  What you gained: Saquon Barkley out of nowhere. He's definitely lost a step but Giants fans didn't spend a lot of time complaining about him. They probably will now. Also joining the roster this year is Kenny Pickett, because I guess every team needs a hopelessly trash QB but there's only one Dak Prescott. I've been told by angry Jets fans that newly acquired DE Bryce Huff is really, really good. Vic Fangio is in at DC. Hope he's still got it because whatever his advice was for the 2022 Super Bowl didn't really work out. What stayed the same: Nick Sirianni is back at HC and while I've been slow to come around on it, yeeeaaah, I don't think that was a good idea. Players seemed completely checked out late in the season, especially after Matt Patricia was given the DC role. Jalen Hurts remains QB and while he has talent and is definitely a better QB than he was year 1, it seems teams have figured out a few things about him. Your draft picks Round 1: No. 22 Round 2: No. 50 Round 2: No. 53 Round 4: No. 120 Round 5: No. 161 Round 5: No. 171 Round 5: No. 172 Round 6: No. 210 Well, that's it for teams with winning records last year. But there's also The New York Football Giants  2023 record: 6-11 What you lost: Any faith in Daniel Jones as a starting QB, when some Zach Braff stunt double-looking dude named Tommy Cutlets took over and saw a 3-game win streak that absolutely ruined any chance of the Giants getting one of the top 3 QBs in this draft. Great way to ensure your job security there, Tommy! Defensive coordinator Wink "Stink Fartindale" Martindale is out at DC despite somehow convincing most Giants fans and pundits that the fairly average defense he put out there was actually good. I guess your special teams coordinator is also gone. Was that a problem last year? What you gained: Uh... Jordan Phillips I guess? is he any good? Gunner Olzsewski? Maybe Jalen Mills has something left in the tank? What stayed the same: Brian Daboll is back. I think even if he isn't starting the year on the hot seat, he's gonna finish on it if he can't produce another winning season. the Giants finished 2022 with a (narrowly) winning record and a playoff win. Scraping out only 6 wins again isn't gonna cut it. You've got a lovely QB nobody likes backed up by a lovely QB everyone loves, but the Giants may wanna draft a QB that's a little more balanced. Which QB in the 2024 draft is a the most aggressively mediocre guy nobody will care about? Your draft picks Round 1: No. 6 Round 2: No. 47 (via Seattle) Round 3: No. 70 Round 4: No. 107 Round 5: No. 166 (via Carolina through San Francisco) Round 6: No. 183 Okay, we've reached the bottom floor. Time for... The Washington Commanders Hey, Terry McLaurin, how many wins will your team have this year?  2023 record: 4-13 What you lost: After a 2-0 start that maybe convinced some people that the team could do something that year, they lost a poo poo ton of games. After a win that brought them to 3-3 that maybe made some people think that possibly they could just maybe not be total dogshit last year, they were total dogshit last year. Washington lost head coach Ron Rivera to being not very good. Ron was the kinda guy who could take a good roster or even a mediocre roster to a .500 season or a bad roster to its logical conclusion. What you gained: At HC you now have Dan Quinn, who's defenses look great and then just randomly turn to total dog poo poo. Last year's Eagles OC, Brian Johnson, also joins the offensive staff. That combo is the rest of the NFC East just loving with you. Zach Ertz joins the squad on a 1-year deal. I think he's still got a little left in the tank and that's gonna be a good signing, if short lived. What stayed the same: Washington got really pissy when Detroit Lions OC Ben Johnson declined to interview for their HC position, to the tune of numerous hit pieces. Dan Snyder was king poo poo of the whiny babies club, but apparently that good old Washington Football Culture is still alive and well, even if diminished. Your draft picks Round 1: No. 2 Round 2: No. 36 Round 2: No. 40 (from Chicago) Round 3: No. 67 Round 3: No. 78 (from Seattle) Round 3: No. 100 (from San Francisco) Round 5: No. 139 Round 5: No. 152 (from Seattle) Round 7: No. 222 Get a QB. Sam Howell is flat as a pancake by now. Quiet Feet fucked around with this message at 03:07 on Apr 25, 2024 |
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Apr 25, 2024 02:45
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| # ¿ May 19, 2024 15:30 |
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I'm gonna watch the first round and then just check my phone every so often for tomorrow and Saturday. I just want the Eagles to draft a cool fun player in the 1st and the Cowboys entire war room to be drowned in a tidal wave of poo poo.
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Apr 26, 2024 00:05
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Eagles really focused on defense
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Apr 27, 2024 04:06
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Asproigerosis posted:Did you miss the part last year where we forget to field a defense? Did I sound like I was complaining?
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Apr 27, 2024 13:15
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CapnAndy posted:I dunno, I think it's nice that the Cowboys signed Zeke to a one-day contract so he can retire as a Cowboy, those are always nice gestures. Now let me just check the actual terms of the contract, but before I do, I'm gonna take a big sip of water and hold it in my mouth I thought for sure it would be vet minimum but lol it's $3 mil.
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Apr 29, 2024 16:15
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Eagles getting 3 SNF games. Cowboys getting 3. Surprisingly none of them are against each other. Giants get one for some reason.
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May 16, 2024 17:41
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| # ¿ May 19, 2024 15:30 |
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This looks like a car scribbled in a notebook in crayon that they just went with.
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May 18, 2024 01:26
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