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covok48 posted:1) I know that morphing to a caregiver for years must have been super stressful and her accusations of you being "too controlling" hurtful. But do you find yourself too controlling at times nowadays? Has it fundamentally changed you into a controlling person since you were responsible for her for so long? quote:2) How did you manage the finances during the times after the hospitalization? Like the day to day stuff. How were you able to manage two people on an income barely designed for one? However, after years of Joanne's on-again, off-again employment and being chronically unemployed, finances basically got impossible after we moved. We ended up accruing some credit card debt, and I took out a few student loans as well. I wasn't happy about this, since I'd never been in debt at any point in my life, and I'd worked so hard in undergrad to keep out of it. In the end though, it's nothing that I won't be able to overcome; my future career prospects are pretty lucrative. quote:3) Are the divorce terms amicable? Are you still partially financially responsible for her? But yeah, the split was pretty amicable. With no kids and no major assets, there wasn't much to split, and my state has pretty lax divorce laws and almost never makes you pay any type of support if there are no kids involved. She hasn't really fought over anything in particular, and hasn't really tried to make it messy with our lawyers or anything. I ended up taking on most of the debt, because it's just going to be easier for me to pay it off in the long term, and I'm sure if a mess was made of the debt on her end the collectors would just be coming to me anyway. quote:Sorry if these questions seem invasive. quote:Just thinking you had heroic budgeting skills to keep a roof over your head & food on the table when you were being stretched so thin.
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Jan 18, 2014 17:57
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Just wanted to chime in and say this was one of the most insightful threads I've ever read here.
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Jan 27, 2014 09:14
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I met a girl I knew from the past, we reconnected really fast but I thought it was cause of our history. After a while I asked her to Marry me. Then I moved to go to school for a few months. Turns out the engagement triggered a manic phase "worse than any other" and she ended up doing some mean and bad things. My shy, passive, thrifty, loyal and faithful partner changed. Went from being able to make a $5 bill last to stealing a credit card from someone and racking up $4000 in stolen goods. Bought a bunch of new furniture with her months gas money because she was going to make it all back making awesome art projects and selling them at a flea market. (She's great at crafts, but drawing/painting has never been very good) Breaks my heart. I still love her and remember the time we had and it feels like a different cold person is in her place. I'm sorry for you. She is very slow cycling (up to a year normal/some lows, unknown but at least 4-6 months Manic) So we had a year or more to really bond. Then she started doing puzzling stuff and only after the breakup did I read all the stuff was textbook Mania. The spending, abuse, lying, cheating, neglect. She knows she is and refuses to take the medication sitting on her desk. I'm hoping when this manic phase is done I can talk to her like a human again. I want to be there for her, but taking on the role of her caretaker will be hard, if I still want to. I feel like I need to see how she talks to me when she isn't manic. Like normal. Then it might be worth it. I want to help her, but I don't want to be a doormat. I want it to work out but statistics are against us. She called crying to confess lying about the credit card thing. She originally said she was framed and was convincing, but confessed she really did steal the credit card and rack up charges because she was manic at the time. When she called to confess cheating on me (with a DJ and with her Baby Daddy) she said it in a resigned resentful voice. Like she was being forced to apologize by a stern parent. No tears no emotions. Edit: Now I feel bad for cutting her off. I tried to work through it, but she acted like a normal person does when the relationship is over. Talking to me like I was an annoying begger instead of the Fiance just cheated on, defending her baby daddy and telling me not to blame him. After starting to really start talking poo poo to me, I told her I'm blocking her for 2 months until she can talk to me without escalating abusing. I don't think I can do anything but damage at this point until she comes down from this. Hopefully we can talk and see if we can rebuild. If she's been so good for a year then hopefully it can be controlled before it gets too bad. That was good information about getting the drugs and treatments for low income, she has been having trouble since her insurance is stalling over the switch in US Healthcare plans. And thanks for the Dialectical behavior therapy info. I've heard MoodTracker might be useful as well https://www.moodtracker.com/ It's free I think. Crane fucked around with this message at 23:09 on Apr 18, 2014 |
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Apr 18, 2014 19:52
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Crane posted:I met a girl I knew from the past, we reconnected really fast but I thought it was cause of our history. I seem to remember you: this was a woman you knew in high school, right? I swear I remember you posted in a thread about having a long-distance relationship with this woman--specifically, you were warned that it'd be a bad idea to get as emotionally invested as fast as you did with her. (If I remember this right, anyway.)
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Apr 22, 2014 08:15
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Hahaha Yeah that was probably me. She had a bunch of baggage but because of our history I thought reconnecting so fast was just picking up where we left off 12 years ago. Unfortunately looking back I can see how this is similar to what happened 12 years ago between us. It was going good while she was good. It was going great in fact, she was smart and logical and sensible. Could make a dollar last forever, never ever asked me for money or even hinted. But long distance is hard enough, it's my fault for not researching BiPolar (She kept downplaying it, like it was just this little thing that might make her a little sad or hyper for a bit) I still want to talk to her when she stops being a big jerk. We had a crazy lot in common, just I am not investing anymore in her if she refuses to try medicated or non-medicated treatment. Something. I still think she's a nice person who keeps getting hurt ever since I knew her in grade school, but it's not going to get better until she works on it. I just got "The Unquiet Mind" so I'm going to read that for a bit, try to get some perspective. Crane fucked around with this message at 16:25 on Apr 22, 2014 |
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Apr 22, 2014 16:21
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Crane posted:Hahaha Yeah that was probably me. It's not on you to fix her. Long past time to let go.
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Apr 22, 2014 18:55
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Are you afraid of letting go?
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Apr 22, 2014 20:46
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Crane posted:Hahaha Yeah that was probably me. Oh, my god, DUDE. STOP. Yeah, it's you, alright. You're still projecting a phantasy on someone you haven't interacted with in person for a significant amount of time. Long distance relationships are hard because you don't get the chance to see your partner in their normal day-to-day life. It's either apart for long amounts of time or in each other's faces--there's no in-between. You haven't seen her in her own home, holding down jobs, attending school, and so on--in other words, her natural self. The woman you know now, is not the girl you knew 12 years ago. You were warned that your "fast reconnection" was a combination of nostalgia, phantasy, and wishful thinking. Lo and behold, things blew up in your face. And here you are, peddling a new dream for yourself: that somehow, you'll be able to help her; or if you wait it out, she'll get better and want to be with you again. More nostalgia, more phantasy, more wishful thinking: same old ingredients, and yet you expect a totally different cake. It's not "your fault" that things went poorly because you didn't read enough about bi-polar disorder. It went poorly because this woman is mentally ill with a grave disorder that devastates its victims and their loved ones. It went poorly because you refused to acknowledge the dual-realities of this woman's illness and her life in general. It went poorly because you believed that the endorphin rushes you got from her, and the fact that you guys liked each other in GRADE SCHOOL, were a sign that you guys are *~in luv~* and totes going to be 2gether 4eva. Let her go. Worry about you, and how far you let your childish notions of love lead you astray. Again, OP: this thread is top-notch.
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Apr 22, 2014 23:54
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I have a friend who's diagnosed BPD and Bipolar. I think I asked about here somewhere else. He's always been a little up and down, and once didn't eat or sleep for 30 days. That seemed a bit nuts to me and I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't seem him do it with my own eyes. I hope he's not hosed for life, he's an ok guy when he's not mood swinging or depressed.
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Apr 23, 2014 06:51
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As others have said, it's time to move the gently caress on. It's not your fault, you've done what you can, and the best thing for the both of you at this point is to let her go. There's nothing to feel guilty about; you tried many different times, she poo poo on you each time, and things are simply too much of a mess for there to be any chance for things to work out at this point. Yes, it's a lovely and depressing illness and that's not all her fault, but there's nothing more to be done. Sever.
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Apr 24, 2014 15:20
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Thanks for this thread. It really made me think. I appreciate you writing it all for us. Bobby: it made some people mad but we were making it work. I'm still in the process of moving on, so give me a break if I am still dreaming irrational dreams. I had a wonderful time, and I think a genuine one so just because the ending sucked doesn't mean it wasn't worth a little risk at the time. “Dreams, if they're any good, are always a little bit crazy. ” ― Ray Charles
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Apr 25, 2014 01:06
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Crane posted:Thanks for this thread. It really made me think. I appreciate you writing it all for us. I bet she's really hot, huh?
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Apr 25, 2014 03:14
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Ah man. This thread brings back some old memories. I've known two BPD people in my life (at least known them closely enough to identify it), and my mother suffered from Munchausen's. One of the BPD people was a girl I dated, and the other is an acquaintance, and I have to say I would never involve myself with someone suffering from this condition again. There's just so much instability. The cheating and impulsive behavior is nuts. With the girl it wasn't so bad because she moved away and then the relationship kind of moved away with her. We were never a serious couple and while I'd visit her occasionally after she left we just got further and further apart. Having the acquaintance with BPD just lets me look in on what I would have been in for had we stayed together. I've seen this guy cycle through 3 jobs in the four years I've known him, sour grapes-ing each one afterwards. He is frequently buying cars and wrecking them. It's amazing to watch it happen. He'll go through a rough period and then one day he's fine. You talk to him and he's normal and kind of down about his situation, but hopeful for the future. He'll find a job and start to really get things together. Nothing will happen for about a year and then suddenly in the span of a month he'll fight a cop, get a DUI, wreck his car, and get banned from multiple local establishments. It's like clockwork. I can't imagine being handcuffed to someone where that was life. Periods of relative calm and slowly building up of a sandcastle only to kick it the gently caress down in a fit of rage. Then several months later to wake up, as if from some crazy fever dream, realize the that you've got nothing left, and start to build again from scratch. Over and over and over forever. What a thankless, sisyphean existence.
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Apr 25, 2014 17:47
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Sorry for dredging up an old thread. I have borderline PD, on top of depression, ADD, and PTSD. It is loving miserable. The splitting is definitely a major thing: I typically hate myself and everything about me, but occasionally I'll accomplish something and feel like a badass for ten minutes, tops. If that. And then I'll remember that no, I'm a pathetic waste of air and it was probably dumb luck, and be right back where I was. I've been like this for most of my life. I tried to tell my husband, before we even got together, back when he was moving in as a roommate, that "hey, I have really bad mental health stuff going on, I'm really sorry if this impacts you badly, please tell me and I'll try to stop it". I still feel like I somehow trapped him in this relationship or made him love me out of obligation. He has his own issues (autism, depression, agoraphobia) and I'm pretty sure there's some degree of codependency going on. I have books on it, and I need to work on it, but it's really hard to stay focused. I tried DBT, at the local teaching hospital's mental health center. It was a pretty stripped-down version and I don't think the therapists running it were doing a very good job. Due to chronic pain, body-focused mindfulness sounds like a cruel joke, and when I attempted outwardly-focused mindfulness, I felt like I was being judged for being disruptive or not being able to do mindfulness the way everyone else was. I was proactive about my problems with DBT to the therapists, but they brushed me off. Additionally, it was only a year, and maybe two sessions a week (an hour at a time), and I just didn't get much of anything out of it. I'm gonna try regular therapy, see if that helps, but I don't know anywhere else in town that does DBT or would take someone with a personality disorder. I'm glad Joanne was able to reach some degree of stability. I'm sorry it didn't work out with her in the end, but I totally understand why. I tell my husband often that it'd be safer and beneficial for him to just leave me, but he refuses. I haven't cheated, but I really understand the constant guilt of being out of control and unable to stop hurting someone you love. You're very determined and I'm impressed you stuck it out as long as you did. You're a great man and I'm sure you're going to have a much better life after coming through all this. Congratulations on your PhD.
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Jul 7, 2014 21:25
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I wanted to say thanks for your writing. I very recently figured out my soon to be ex-wife has Borderline Personality Disorder, and so while it's not quite the same experience as you, I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I'll have to write up a bigger post about my whole experience once our divorce is finalized, as I only left her last week and I've read so many horror stories about the divorce process with BPDs so that's kind of terrifying me right now. Thankfully we have no kids and she's never wanted any. I had already planned on leaving due to the verbal and emotional abuse, and ironically the day after I finally had it and knew I had to leave for my own sanity, I randomly came across an online article that mentioned BPD. Being able to see clearly what was going on has REALLY helped my healing process and even made those last few days so much better as I stopped blaming myself so much and could break it off with her from a place of understanding and care, instead of a "What the gently caress is wrong with you?" frustrated stance. I'm not even really angry at her anymore, just sad at how much it's twisted such an otherwise amazing woman. I had no idea what BPD was, and more importantly, no idea that such a thing could even exist, so I didn't know to look for the signs like I would with most other serious mental disorders. And she didn't show the more obvious ones like cutting, dangerous recklessness, or substance abuse. The symptoms I did see (mostly irrational anger, unstable emotions, and splitting) I explained away on PTSD due to a traumatic event early on while we were dating, and of course I'm sure that is a contributing factor for when it first really appeared. Though I'm pretty sure her Mom has it too, so she came by it the normal way, but at least she knows to stay away from her Mom now. I never in a million years thought someone like me (otherwise very happy, financially well off, lots of friends, graduate degree, no major mental issues or trauma I'm aware of other than this) could be sucked into an abusive relationship. But I just kept thinking it'd get better, and the fun happy woman I fell in love with would come back, and it was my fault somehow that it wasn't happening (ie the splitting) and I just needed to love her harder and be an even better husband and she'd stop being mad at me. And due to the cycling it'd give me just enough taste of the old her that I thought maybe this time things would be better for good. But alas, it never ever was and the screaming at me about all sorts of random things would start up yet again. I still want to help her, since I know it can be treated with DBT, but unfortunately I really can't be with her anymore for my own mental and physical health. I really wish I'd known something like BPD existed when the symptoms first started, as *maybe* we could have saved our marriage if she sought treatment for it right at the beginning and we got it under control, but now there's just been far too much trauma. It's interesting also that none of my close friends or family who I've told have ever heard of BPD either and are floored by it as well. The stigma against mental disease really is causing so much unnecessary suffering and preventing people from getting the help they or their family members need. I'm hoping this is the rock bottom she needs to seek treatment for this at least. It's been so heart breaking to see someone you loved so much, and who craves love so much, self-destruct their relationships and they can't even really comprehend why. k2000 fucked around with this message at 03:49 on Jan 7, 2015 |
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Jan 7, 2015 01:07
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I was linked to this post last night, and am going through the early stages of my wife dealing with BP. Absolutely nothing noticed ahead of time by me (although I found out some of my friends felt like she was just a little hard to read, but had kind of dismissed it as being quiet)...and then one day she just left. A week and a half later, she was committed to the psych ward at a hospital, and more than a month later she's at another hospital, and still nowhere near ready to be released. The hardest part for me, right now, is that she said she wanted a divorce before this happened, and is still acting that way. While I want to be there for her, she won't really let me in. She's told lies to her family about us, and to her psychiatrist as well. I didn't have HIPAA access for the first month, and even now, she won't let her psychiatrist talk to me about how she's doing, her medications, etc. From reading this, the journey ahead if it's found out that her decision to want a divorce was part of her illness will be very difficult. I'd worried about the potential for a reoccurrence, but hadn't really thought about her having constant swings back and forth. I simply don't know what she wants, what's a real thought in her mind, and what's a product of the illness.
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Jan 9, 2015 01:10
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I recently sent this thread to a good friend of mine. Her family has been manipulative and mean to her in terrible and confusing ways over the years. I know her sister, who is in her 30's and living at home, has been diagnosed as bipolar. If I assume that her father has borderline personality disorder and her mother is terribly codependent, it suddenly makes SENSE. After reading the thread, my friend said that she sees her family in your stories. She said it helps her feel better about maintaining her distance to preserve her own mental health. In short, more people grateful to you for sharing your story! Thank you OP!
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Jan 16, 2015 23:40
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I just spent the better part of the morning reading through this thread and I found it truly illuminating and thought-provoking. There is no denying that it's rough to watch someone you care for struggle with mental illness.
Wintir fucked around with this message at 20:41 on Feb 3, 2015 |
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Feb 3, 2015 20:01
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Just read the thread... My boyfriend has Schizoaffective Disorder. He's the sweetest man I've ever known, and incredibly dependable when it comes to most things, it's just that sometimes, he becomes convinced that if he doesn't kill himself within the end of the day, bad things will happen to people he loves. I've known him for over 5 years, and before we started dating we were best friends. He had the benefits of relatively early diagnosis, but he still deals with the disorder daily. I'd just like to thank the OP for making this thread. The one thing that really clicked with me was the idea that someone could seem perfectly fine, and you read a list of their symptoms, and can't believe that they describe your best friend. There have been a lot of times where I think things are going well, but then he reveals hallucinations and delusions that he's intentionally been hiding from me so I don't get upset or worried. He wanted to post an ask/tell about living with it, but he doesn't have an account, and I'm pretty sure account sharing is against the rules? 
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Feb 8, 2015 06:45
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It's cool to see that folks are still finding this thread useful! It's been about a year since I've posted, and there's not much to report really. I finished school, got an awesome job that I love, am out dating and just really enjoying life. I don't really interact with Joanne at all anymore. From what I gather she's still in town and working a steady job, which is a really good sign, but I really don't have much other information to go off of. I'm not Facebook friends with her, and do the best to just stay out of her way. I've heard she's changed her appearance a bit, gotten some tatoos and things, dyed her hair or something. Otherwise, I really don't hear much. The marriage, the illness, and all that was something that changed my life and philosophy for sure, but these days I really don't think about it much. A lot of my new work friends don't even know I was married. The experience influenced who I am in a lot of ways, but it's not who I am, if that makes sense. So the take home message is, even after going through something lovely like this, you really can move on and still have a great life ahead of you.
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Feb 22, 2015 23:08
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Good to hear. Good luck in the future!
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Feb 23, 2015 08:16
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How has your previous experience impacted your current dating life, if at all? I am currently moving on from a relationship with someone who is bipolar, and it's pretty difficult. Glad to hear you're doing well.
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Mar 1, 2015 06:04
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Well, clearly being with Joanne was a big part of my life, so it certainly influenced my personality and outlook on life and all that good stuff, as documented here. For dating in particular, I guess what I'd say is that I spent many years near the end pretty unhappy and making a lot of sacrifices without getting anything I really wanted. As a result, I'm probably a bit less tolerant of spending my time doing things I don't enjoy. Not to say that I won't make the usual concessions when dating, but if things just aren't working out, I'm more willing to ask for what I want and make changes if I don't get it. I think that's made it a bit tougher on partners in some sense, but really means that I'm just looking for someone I'm really compatible with. Having been out of the game for so many years, I was pretty worried when I first started dating. After a few dates with a few different folks, it became pretty clear that people weren't viewing me as some completely broken and untouchable divorced monster. I save the details of my past for a few dates in. Some folks have wanted to know the whole story, and others just haven't cared. Everyone has some baggage. My current girlfriend knows about my past and seems to dig the fact that I did the right thing and all that, so that's good. I had to learn to step back from the whole caretaker role thing, but I never really liked that anyway. It takes a bit more time for me to be committal, and I'm a fan of taking things slow, which seems healthy in my situation, I guess.
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Mar 18, 2015 02:48
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I spent 6 years in a relationship that had some similarities (though not nearly as extreme, thankfully) and it definitely gave me a really heightened awareness of a lot of red flags. Which makes things harder, but I dunno, makes me appreciate healthy people with their heads on relatively straight a lot more, too.
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Mar 18, 2015 04:23
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I am married to someone who is completely unstable. He is fine most of the time but he'll have severe episodes every now and again. He has been on meds but they don't seem to inhibit his episodes. He has held a loaded gun to his head, harmed himself, etc. He seeks help after every incident, including being voluntold at the VA ER to commit himself to a VA psych ward twice now. I'm pretty much about to just pack my poo poo and leave him. It's not that he refuses to get help. It's that the doctors can't seem to get his meds right. They're aware of how unstable and dangerous (at least to himself) he can be, you would think they would try to just get it right the first time. I am legitimately afraid he will kill himself if I walk.
Pixelated Dragon fucked around with this message at 16:21 on Apr 10, 2015 |
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Apr 10, 2015 16:13
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Holy poo poo man. Just powered through this thread at the end of what I thought was a bad week and a somewhat lovely year and that totally made me feel like I'm just mad and frustrated over nothing. I have no clue how you put up with that for so long and you're a far better person then I am. Sharon alone would've been enough for me to throw up my hands and walk out before the mental illness came into the picture.
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Apr 10, 2015 21:47
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Thank you for the thread, I really appreciate it.
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Apr 11, 2015 02:54
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Pixelated Dragon posted:I am married to someone who is completely unstable. He is fine most of the time but he'll have severe episodes every now and again. He has been on meds but they don't seem to inhibit his episodes. He has held a loaded gun to his head, harmed himself, etc. He seeks help after every incident, including being voluntold at the VA ER to commit himself to a VA psych ward twice now. I'm pretty much about to just pack my poo poo and leave him. It's not that he refuses to get help. It's that the doctors can't seem to get his meds right. They're aware of how unstable and dangerous (at least to himself) he can be, you would think they would try to just get it right the first time. It's tough to even know when a med is or isn't working because: A) bipolar goes up and down, so it's pretty easy for a bipolar person to look like they're responding well, when really they're just cycling B) Sometimes needs change and medicines they didn't need before are needed when they're cycling C) Some medicines can take a long time to ramp up and ramp down, and doctors know it's hard to go back to a medicine after you think it didn't work. Thus, they'll want to give long times at various doses a shot before writing off a medicine completely D) What works for one person won't work for others, or worse, can cause horrible side effects in others E) If the bipolar person isn't honest about what's going on with them (intentionally or not), that can't be treated properly F) Many BP folks don't take their meds for one reason or another What I'm saying is, it sucks. Every doctor wishes they could get it right the first time, but unfortunately, given the current state of mental healthcare, that's just not possible. quote:I am legitimately afraid he will kill himself if I walk.
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Apr 21, 2015 15:00
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Pixelated Dragon posted:I am married to someone who is completely unstable. He is fine most of the time but he'll have severe episodes every now and again. He has been on meds but they don't seem to inhibit his episodes. He has held a loaded gun to his head, harmed himself, etc. He seeks help after every incident, including being voluntold at the VA ER to commit himself to a VA psych ward twice now. I'm pretty much about to just pack my poo poo and leave him. It's not that he refuses to get help. It's that the doctors can't seem to get his meds right. They're aware of how unstable and dangerous (at least to himself) he can be, you would think they would try to just get it right the first time. I am legitimately afraid he will kill himself if I walk. bipolar person checking in here- if you feel you need to leave, do so. his actions are his own decision, and in no way would it be your fault should he self-harm. I'm a big believer in taking accountability for your own actions, and while being bipolar loving sucks it's something that he needs to handle. You can't make him better, nor can you hold yourself responsible for his health and choices.
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Apr 21, 2015 20:42
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Pixelated Dragon posted:you would think they would try to just get it right the first time. If only it were that easy.....It took 3 years to find a medicine that worked for me.
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Apr 22, 2015 04:18
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McPhock posted:If only it were that easy.....It took 3 years to find a medicine that worked for me. Seven, and that was with the help of a doctor/therapist team that I really trust.
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Apr 24, 2015 07:59
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I found this thread on accident, right after having some issues with my ill mother. She's basically a Sharon, minus the religion (my mother is a staunch atheist, and an anti-Semite) I don't want to go into detail, but she has Borderline and Bipolar NOS, and I lived with her for over 18 years. As an adult I have some distance, but her illness still affects me nearly every day. I have severe anxiety, and her constant criticism of me growing up has led to self-esteem issues up the wazoo. I sympathize with a lot of posters saying that it's hard to balance knowing about the illness, with not blaming every behavior of theirs that bothers you on the illness. My mother is especially difficult in this regard because she refuses to acknowledge she's ill. She always says things like, "I'm just taking them (the pills) to make you happy" or "I only got them because your sister needs them!" She's convinced me and my sister have Borderline or Bipolar and hates if we talk about feeling mentally healthy--"What makes you think you got off scott-free [from BPD]?" But I still love my mother! It's so hard to reconcile the fact that I love her with the fact that she constantly causes me harm. Every conversation is a struggle. She's never given therapy any real effort, and barely remembers to take her meds on a regular basis. Now after reading this thread, I feel the most sorry for my stepdad. He stepped into my life at a really difficult time and took on a woman with two kids having no prior experience being a father. He dealt with my sister and I hating him for awhile and just really stepped up. He's my dad. And he's saddled with this albatross around his neck. He works ten hour days in his late fifties to support my mom and her spending habits. She shops at thrift stores to keep the costs down at least, but she buys so much and makes so many "improvements" on their house that she might as well spend all her time shopping at Macy's. On top of that, she's isolated him to the point where he has no friends, almost no contact with his family because all of them have "offended" her at some point, and basically spends the time he's not at work improving their house and meeting my mother's demands. It makes me really, really sad how codependent he seems to have become to her. I wish there was something I could do, but I feel totally trapped by the situation. This thread made me feel a little less alone, however. I am up for messaging if anyone wants to talk about this stuff with someone raised in a bipolar household! I don't want to poo poo up the thread with my family problems. I hope everything is going well for you now, OP. You sound like you came out the other side OK. I really admire you. I hope one day I have the strength to tolerate my own mother long enough to help her get into a treatment program 
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Jul 1, 2015 20:25
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I often wondered (and still do) if there was ever any series of events that could lead to Sharon getting the treatment she needs and taking it seriously. Short of her having a major psychotic break and ending up in the hospital, I believe her family shields her so much that it would be impossible to ever get through to her. Anytime she was acting out, the family would band together around her and ostracize anyone who spoke out against her. Even if they knew she was being extreme, they'd come up with excuses and rationalizations: "she acts this way because just loves this family so much and you don't get that" or "if you'd just fall in line she wouldn't act out like this" etc. Even when her spending would run the family into massive debt her family would turn a blind eye or maybe "wish" she'd spend a little less, but never actually intervene. This has been going on for decades, and everyone around her has resigned themselves to this. I just don't see how you can break through that level of denial and codependency.Haymaker_Betty posted:I found this thread on accident, right after having some issues with my ill mother. She's basically a Sharon, minus the religion (my mother is a staunch atheist, and an anti-Semite) I don't want to go into detail, but she has Borderline and Bipolar NOS, and I lived with her for over 18 years. As an adult I have some distance, but her illness still affects me nearly every day. I have severe anxiety, and her constant criticism of me growing up has led to self-esteem issues up the wazoo. You don't owe her anything. You are an adult. If she is actively making your life miserable and refuses to get treatment, you are under no obligation to tolerate her. Letting her ruin your life with no consequences to her is just another form of codependency. I say this all with sadness because I know it's really, really hard to walk away or limit your interactions with a loved one, but you have to look out for yourself, especially when there's absolutely nothing you can do for your mother.
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Jul 6, 2015 05:14
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FunWithWombats posted:I hope you do realize that it isn't your job or role to fix your mother, and it might not even be possible for anyone to do it. For the most part, Joanne always admitted she was sick and was compliant with her treatment, and it was still ridiculously hard to go through that with her. You will never be able to force your mother to be okay with treatment, especially after so many years of rebelling against it. If she won't get treatment, you can't help her. I don't want to keep the train of My Sadness going (  ), but I wanted you to know I read this and have added it to the growing list of "it's okay to back off" assurances I've been getting lately.I hope both you and your ex wife find happiness.
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Jul 9, 2015 01:58
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Because one problem with any non-traditional life is the impossibility of relying on strong ties, this article seems to touch on aspects of the OP's situation: http://www.psmag.com/health-and-behavior/toast-story-latest-artisanal-food-craze-72676 Bear with the article's flow, there is, to me, a payoff. (As much as I enjoy long form journalism, editors need to spend more time massaging some pieces. This is one of them. I imagine most readers left the article long before it made sense. I stuck with it because the link to the story actually stated that it was about living with mental illness.) Also curious about whether the OP has seen Black Box: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Box_(TV_series)
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Jul 17, 2015 06:08
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EVERYTHING I SAY ABOUT JAPAN OR LIVING IN JAPAN IS COMPLETELY WRONG, BUT YOU BETTER BELIEVE I'LL 
ABOUT IT.
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Pixelated Dragon posted:I am married to someone who is completely unstable. He is fine most of the time but he'll have severe episodes every now and again. He has been on meds but they don't seem to inhibit his episodes. He has held a loaded gun to his head, harmed himself, etc. He seeks help after every incident, including being voluntold at the VA ER to commit himself to a VA psych ward twice now. I'm pretty much about to just pack my poo poo and leave him. It's not that he refuses to get help. It's that the doctors can't seem to get his meds right. They're aware of how unstable and dangerous (at least to himself) he can be, you would think they would try to just get it right the first time. I am legitimately afraid he will kill himself if I walk. Can I ask a difficult set of question? If he did kill himself, would you feel it is your fault? If he did kill himself, would it be a loss for him, given that he feels the pain he does?
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Jul 17, 2015 06:23
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