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Hey guys, I wanted to post the first 5 pages out a comic script I'm working on. This would be the first issue of a multi-volume sci-fi graphic novel. I want to hire an artist to draw up a few pages and then probably go to Kickstarter to see if I can fund the entire first issue. That is if this isn't a total piece of poo poo. That's where your feedback would be of help. Please and thank you. OFFCELL VOLUME 1 CHAPTER 1 OUTLINE BLACK START Characters Hal: White, male, 48 years old. 6 feet tall, medium build with short greyish hair. Hal is calm, methodical, educated, and often has a menacing air about him. He has an ex wife and 11 year old daughter. He and Ray are partners in various exploits, which are often morally ambiguous at best, and lead to results that get them in a pickle. Ray looks up to Hal as sort of a father figure. Silva: A Brazilian prison guard, male, 40 years old. Acquaintance and co-worker of Dominguez. Medium build, 5 foot 8. A guy that likes to be thought of as a straight arrow and commanding but is actually quite lazy. Likes crossword puzzles. Dominguez: A Brazilian prison guard, male, 36 years old. Slim to medium build, 5 foot 6. Passive aggressive and not really cut out for the job, he only took it because he needed the money and has few skills. Ray: Ray is male, 32, white, dark hair, slim to medium build. Partners with Hal. Lives with his girlfriend and 7 year old son. Ray is an under-achieving smart rear end who sometimes forgets to think before he acts. He likes to read, a habit he picked up from Hal. Carter (Big C): Male, 29, Afro-Brazilian (black), 240 lbs, 6 foot 4 - a big guy, head shaved and a few tattoos. Big C is scary looking, but a nice enough jokester if you’re on his good side. Don’t get on his bad side. Little C: Male, 24, white and skinny, with lots of tattoos. Longer, dark hair. Gang banger. 5 foot 10. A bit of a belligerent dick, and likes to think of himself as a tough guy. PAGE 1 Panel 1 - EXT. prison, night: Manaus, Brazil. Extreme long, tall shot from behind a close-security prison. The main prison building is around half the size of an average high school. Two stories. The power is out in the prison, although backup batteries are powering what’s necessary. The exterior and interior are old, worn out, in a state of disrepair. A few small structures surround the main building, with the whole area fenced in. The grounds have not been maintained in years, with tall grass and forest growth creeping in. Forest surrounds the complex. A Brazilian flag hangs from a flagpole. A windy, paved road extends into the distance. The road is also in poor shape, with forest growth and grass taking over. Down the road, headlights can be seen approaching the prison complex, about a half mile away. Caption: First off, we needed a van that looked legit. The garage would help with that. A uniform would make it more official. An elevator service manual, though...that was tough. Panel 2 - Worm’s eye view from the side of the road, around a 5 o’clock angle behind the van. A utility-sized, beat-up, solar-powered van (yes, it’s night. The van has a battery) drives past. No tailpipe, double back doors. The van is European style and slightly futuristic looking. Caption: If power was restored unexpectedly, we were boned. PANEL 3 - INT. van: medium shot from passenger seat. (In Brazil they drive on the right side of the road, so steering wheel is in the usual place). Hal drives. He has a calm expression. He is wearing a blue repairman uniform. A phone that looks similar to an iPhone sits on the center console. From it come the voices of two men chattering about a fixing a hydro turbine. Caption: A well-placed listening device at the hydroelectric plant would ensure real time updates. Man 1 (elec): ...turbine pit is totally flooded. Man 2 (elec): Okay, uh...intake gates are closed. Man 1 (elec): Starting pump. PAGE 2 PANEL 1 - EXT. guard post. This is a color feed from a security camera, slightly grainy. The location is labeled on the bottom left - “ENTRADA”. There is a timestamp in the bottom right, 19:44:09. The guard booth sits in the middle of the road, with one of those security posts that can be raised/lowered. A guard can be made out sitting in the guard post, looking toward the approaching headlights. The van is about a quarter mile away. Van, Man 1 (elec): “This is what, the third time this week? Kksshtst... going to keep happening.” Van, Man 2 (elec): “Figure out the problem, then.” Van, Man 1 (elec): “You’re the plumber. I’m just... ksthtsshhhhh...yourself.” PANEL 2 - INT. prison, library. Another security camera feed, timestamp 19:44:20. The location is labeled on the bottom left - “BIBLIOTECA”. A library with no one inside. A few rows of bookshelves with books, some desks and tables. Some books are lying around. Some playing cards on a table, board game on another. The room is dark with no light. Caption: They say put a chimp at a typewriter and eventually he’ll write somethin’ worth reading. Same deal with these guys. Hydro engineers, by chance. But that’s what happens when you lose most of Earth’s population. You work with what you got. PANEL 3 - INT. prison, cell block C. Another security camera feed, timestamp 19:44:34. The location is labeled on the bottom left - “ALA C”. A large area with two floors. Each floor has around 15 prison cells and a thick concrete catwalk with railing. The cell number is painted on the catwalk under each cell. One wall has a row of small, barred up windows about 6 feet from the ground, and another row of windows near the ceiling. The center of the room is an open area with a few round tables and chairs. The area is dim with a few lights on. All inmates are inside their cells. See end of video here http://curiosity.discovery.com/question/cell-blocks-typical-prison-have for rough idea of size/layout. Caption: Now, some of this you know. Regarding how many are left, you’ll hear conflicting opinions on that particular point. Caption: Twenty percent. Ten. Four. No one’s really sure. There’s no real way to keep track. PANEL 4 - Close on a widescreen monitor, displaying four separate, color, security feeds. Three of these are from the previous panels. The fourth looks down a dim hall, lined with doors. Close to the camera, on the right wall, are an elevator and a room to its right. This feed is labeled “CORREDOR PRINCIPAL”. All four feeds have a timestamp in the right corner, 19:44:57. Caption: Anyway. Back to the plan. PANEL 5 - INT. prison lobby, front desk. Dimly lit with a few lights on. Silva and Dominguez sit in a 10x12-ish booth at wooden desks. Wearing dark guard uniforms, utility belts with handguns and pouches/holders for other weapons. They have prison patches on their shoulders. Their desks are on opposite walls, and they are sitting about six feet apart. The top half of the booth is lined with bulletproof glass. The desks are old and dinged up. Silva is at the front desk doing a crossword puzzle. Dominguez sits opposite Silva, watching two 22” widescreen monitors mounted on the wall. Both monitors are showing four separate security feeds. A third monitor is next to the other two, but off. A filing cabinet is next to Dominguez’s desk. The desks are clean but lined with binders, files, notepads, mugs, and other nicknacks. A black phone (the size of an iPhone, and serving as a desktop workstation) is on Silva’s desk, next to a monitor, keyboard, and mouse. The monitor is about a quarter inch thin, glass on front, black on back. Caption: We had one. At first glance, some might say it was well thought out. Even clever. We knew it wasn’t our best work. But within the constraints of time, we did the best we could. PAGE 3 PANEL 1 - Med. front shot of Silva. He is concentrated on his crossword puzzle. Dominguez is behind him, turned around in his chair toward Silva, with a wry smile. Silva: What’s “an instrument held between the knees” that starts with “H”? Four letters. Dominguez: What? Like a musical instrument? Silva: I guess so. Just says, “instrument.” PANEL 2 - Close on Dominguez, who is back toward his desk, looking annoyed. Over his shoulder, Silva is halfway turned to Dominguez. Dominguez: Uuuuh...horn. PANEL 3 Silva: What kind of horn do you hold between your knees? Dominguez: I don’t know...one of those jazz horns. Saxophone. PANEL 4 - Silva has a mildly annoyed expression. Silva: A saxophone isn’t a horn. It’s a woodwind. And you don’t hold a saxophone between your knees. Dominguez: No? They call it a horn though. PANEL 5 - Close up on Dominguez. Silva isn’t in this panel. Dominguez’s face is buried in his hands. Frustrated. Silva (OP): What are you talking about? Dominguez: Whatever man, just put horn. Silva (OP): It doesn’t fit there! PANEL 6 - Over Silva’s shoulder. Silva is turned around, facing Dominguez. Dominguez is turned facing Silva, holding his chin, mock thinking. Making a mocking face. Dominguez: Hmmm, the mystery of the unsolved crossword puzzle. Detective Silva, reporting for duty! Silva: Vai se foder, Dominguez. Silva: We’re fine, don’t worry. Backup batteries are on, all the doors are locked tight. No one’s getting out. PAGE 4 PANEL 1 - EXT. prison cell, looking in: Three convicts share a cell on the second floor: Ray, Carter (Big C), and Little C. They are wearing orange jumpsuits. Two bunk beds, a sink, and toilet are in the cell. The cell is dimly lit by the backup lights from the prison block. Ray lays on his bed, top bunk, reading. Carter is standing next to him, bored. Little C leans back to the wall on a bed across from Ray, bottom bunk. Carter: What’re you reading? Ray: A book. Carter: You don’t say. Ray, you’re so educated. We’re nothing next to... PANEL 2 - Close on Ray, annoyed. Looking at the front cover of the book, saving his spot with his hand. Ray: “Rage Against The Machine: The Second Industrial Revolution”. Little C (OP): Heh, that communist propaganda? PANEL 3 - Carter and Ray are both looking at Little C. Ray: Do you even know what a communist is, Lil’ C? Little C: Yeah, bitch. Like Hitler and stuff. Carter: Hitler? Dude, you’re retarded. Nah, that book is all like, fascist. PANEL 4 - Ray is reading from the back of the book, deadpan. Ray: What? This is a New-York-Times bestseller. It’s “a haunting, eye-opening dredge through the past, an expedition which shows us careening into our sorry state of affairs.” PANEL 5 - Carter and Little C are both smiling. Carter: So it’s about why we’re in prison? Ray: Yeah. And robots. Little C: Communist robots. PANEL 6 Carter: Yo, that’s depressing right there. Like you need any more of that around here. Ray: I know. Depression, here? That’s like oil and water. PANEL 7 - Long shot on the outside of the cell, looking in. Carter: É verdade, cara. Go out, get some sun, skip through the flowers! Pet a little puppy. The world is your oyster. Ray: Yeah... PANEL 8 - Little C is looking at Carter. Little C: Look at this guy. Full of pep, this one. Carter: The power’s out, bro. Anything can happen. PAGE 5 PANEL 1 - INT. prison, front desk: Both guys still at their desks. Dominguez looks anxious. Silva is calm, holding a walkie talkie. Dominguez: I tell you what, if the power keeps going out like this, they’ll figure something out h… Silva’s walkie (elec): Hey Silva, I got the electrician out here, Hal Holbrook. Here to look at the elevator. Should I turn him around? PANEL 2 - Silva is talking into his walkie. Silva: Yeah, tell him it’s a bad time. Silva’s walkie (elec): His schedule is full for the rest of the month. He says Herrera wants it done ASAP. Annnd...uh...what? It might...the elevator might be causing issues on the power grid. PANEL 3 - Dominguez and Silva are looking at each other. Dominguez looks nervous. Dominguez: Herrera’s not the one sitting here in the dark. Silva: I don’t know... he’s been in one of his moods. PANEL 4 - INT. guard post: Hal is stopped at the post, driver’s window rolled down. View from inside the guard post, behind the guard, looking out at Hal in his van. Caption: When Herrera happened to meet someone that could repair his broken down elevator, he jumped at the chance. Guard’s walkie (elec): Alright, send him through. PANEL 5 - Wide angle of prison parking lot. The lot is cracked and old, in poor shape. Five to six other cars are parked. Some cars are modern looking by our standards, some slightly futuristic. But all look worn and pretty beat up. The lot is mostly empty. Grass and forest growth covering the edges of the lot and coming through the cracks. Hal’s van is parked, lights still on. Caption: A man with that specific skillset? Hard to come by, as you could imagine. PANEL 6 - Over the shoulder, Hal has opened the back doors of the van. He is obstructing most of the view inside, but some/all of this can be partially shown: two toolboxes, a blanket, some trash, and a couple random tools. SFX: ERRREEEE PANEL 7 - Long shot behind Hal. He is standing at a door to the prison marked “ENTRADA DE PESSOAL”. He’s carrying two toolboxes. Caption: Herrera insisted on getting it repaired immediately. No problem. For double the price. Caption: Paid up front.
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