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 Just who and what is Jack Keane? Jack Keane, the person, is a retired four-star general and former Vice Chief of Staff of the United States Army, currently serving as Chairman of the Board for the Institute for the Study of War.. Jack Keane the GAME, is a horrendous 2007 point and click adventure starring an entirely unrelated Jack Keane who is part Indiana Jones, part Nathan Drake, and part open mic night Bruce Campbell impersonator. Other than spoiling the name of an innocent Vietnam veteran, this game's other sins include hacky comedy, REFERENCES, and of course, typical point and click adventure bullshit. Why Jack Keane? While Jack Keane is forgettable enough to not make anyone's WORST GAME EVAR poo poo-lists, it's the very fact that it teeters on that edge of forgettability and extremely poor that make it fascinating to me. Between its cringe-inducing comedy, its cliched plot and setting, and its apparent invisibility in the marketplace, Jack Keane manages to be remarkable in its unremarkability. Come forth, and let's take a journey into the Keane. Who knows? Maybe ol' Jack here can teach us all something about ourselves. Though I wouldn't count on it. Episode 1 - Keane it or Leave it  The obese mermaid swaying back and forth on the title screen here shows that we're in for a real QUIRKY adventure. Get it? Cause mermaids are traditionally thin and her color scheme looks similar to Ariel's. Ha! Take that, fat cats at Disney. Nothing is sacred here!  ON the ocean? I suppose we must be on a boat or something then. Otherwise technically you're probably just near..  Oh, okay. An island. I guess that is on an ocean, yeah. But the camera is zooming in, presumably to something ON the island, which would then be NEAR an ocean.  Check and mate.  As the camera zooms into the window, we get a good look at our antagonist for the evening. Or rather, get a good look at the back of his head. We get a GREAT look at his hideous assistant, however, as she waddles up the stairs and towards his desk.   Miss Gristle's voice sounds like somewhere between a bad impression of Nurse Diesel from High Anxiety and a Monty Python "old lady voice." This game wastes no time in jumping into tone-deaf comedy. Buckle up, kiddos.  "Anything special in the mail?" "Indeed there is. The Queen is allegedly sending a secret agent to spy on us. He is supposed to find out if you are possibly planning to strike a blow against the Empire." "Under no circumstances is the Queen to learn of my sinister plans! Which is why we shall take a few.. precautions. Have any applications for the job as Henchman arrive?" "Just one, doctor. From a woman in the United States." "An American? That will guarantee a quick finger on the trigger! Send the young lady an invitation. For my part, I will make sure this agent has an unforgettable stay on this island. Let the game begin! Har har har har har!" - It's really more of a "Muahaha" type-laugh, but who am I to argue with the game's subtitles?  So, like, totally wicked. Tubular, even. Oh wait, you meant the other kind of wicked, like evil wicked. Right, because we're being all meta and poo poo with our narrative and characters. OMG SELF AWARE BAD GUYS WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT! COMEDY GOLD!    Our hero, ladies and gentleman.  That's FOIVE minutes, with his thick cockney accent there. Looks like ol' Jack here seems to have gotten himself into a bit of trouble with the locals. If we're lucky maybe they'll end his miserable life before we get a chance to go on any grand world-saving adventures.  Look at that sleazy skinny dude's face and tell me you don't already know what he sounds like.  "What? Wait a minute, who are you?" "You borrowed yourself some money from Mr. Lee, remember?" "To pay for your ship." "And now he wants his money back." "You crazy brits wouldn't know the first thing about entrepreneurship. Ya'll don't even know what FREEDOM is!"  "A 'little time'? It's been three years! Now Mr. Lee finally wants to see some cash on the table. With interest galore, naturally! And we're going to beat that interest out of you! In case, you know, it wasn't obvious we were going to beat your face in. We're definitely going to beat your face in, let's not jump around that issue." "ROIGHT! It's HOIGH TOIME! May I pound 'im to a pulp? Please?" "Oh, all right. But not all at once." Savor these precious moments. It's going to be a while until Jack Keane gets what's coming to him. Physically at least. Mentally, I'm sure he'll be broken inside by the end of all this if he's anything like me.  And now, after suffering through several poorly paced cutscenes, (the delivery of the dialog almost always drags on past the point where any comedy timing would have benefited a joke. It's like watching a play where everyone is constantly forgetting their lines and pausing for small moments to try to remember them, but with more Blender-made-mesh-men) the game finally begins! How will our hero escape? Will he ever pay off his debts? Tune in next time to find out! Keane Fact of the Day: Jack Keane developer Deck13 also brought the world the hit action RPG Venetica! Never heard of it? Neither have I. 
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Oct 24, 2014 23:27
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| # ? May 11, 2024 18:06 |
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I've played this game, and you're right, it's not so bad that you just outright hate it, it's just that it's never actually good in any way.
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Oct 25, 2014 09:09
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I haven't heard of this one, but I have heard of the sequel. If anyone remembers the GoodOldGames sale, where after a certain amount of copies of one game sold, they'd move onto the next sale item, you might remember Jack Keane 2 coming up. It stalled the sale like crazy, because absolutely nobody wanted to buy it. That's an impressive pedigree considering the sheer amount Steam must make off of Bad Rats in those sales.
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Oct 25, 2014 10:19
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LordHippoman posted:I haven't heard of this one, but I have heard of the sequel. Not really, Bad Rats is cheap while Jack Keane 2 was over 10$ in said sale.
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Oct 25, 2014 19:03
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This looks like a start to a really, really inept Monkey Island knock-off. I'm on board, matey!
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Oct 25, 2014 19:24
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SSNeoman posted:This looks like a start to a really, really inept Monkey Island knock-off. Well, the protagonist is slightly more ept, at least. Who would extend credit to Guybrush Threepwood?
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Oct 31, 2014 04:56
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Episode 2 - A Keane Escape When we last left our hero, he was strapped to a chair, being forced to pay his dues. But ol' Jackie is a real swashbuckler and more importantly, the protagonist, which means he'll pay his dues when he's in hell. NEVER. This is where the ol' point and click adventuring starts proper. In Jack Keane, left clicking on anything will encourage Jack to spew some of his witty observations on the object. Take that bucket in the back for example:  Nothing escapes sharp-eyed Jack. Conversely, right clicking on an object in Jack Keane causes Jack to do whatever action he is meant to take with the object. Whether it be picking up objects, talking to NPC's, etc. Let's try right clicking the bucket now: Never change, Jackie boy. Right, now that we have a basic grasp of the game's mechanics, let's do a little Keane-snoopin' to find a way out of this predicament.  Talking to Cockney McPunchypants brings up a dialog option screen. Arguably the most in-character thing to say here would probably be the "goons for breakfast" option, since it's easy to imagine cocky rear end in a top hat Jack tryin' to come off all macho, but the game designers would disagree. Only one of these options will let us progress, and Jack's got places to be so: "What freak show did you two escape from, anyway?""Why you little!"  As satisfying as it is to see Jack get his mug smashed, one might wonder why getting his face pounded is going to progress the story at all.  That's why. Looks like Hunky and Dory forgot to search ol' Jackie boy for any convenient sharp items he might use to escape from his bonds, and that punch was so hard it sent Jack's knife flying out of his pocket. Guess you could say he really knocked his SHANKS off. Get it? 'Cause socks. Only problem here is Jack can't seem to reach the damned thing. And we all know what that means..   Such self destructive behavior.   That second punch to the maw has finally gotten the Jackster close enough to try to grab his knife. But after being hit with a force so hard it sends his body sailing backwards TWICE, will he really be the same man? Will his handsome mug be as handsome now that it's all bruised and probably broken in several areas?   Yep. Guess he's just fine.   Woop woop woop!   The game has the decency to not play the Benny Hill theme song during this sequence, but I personally can't afford such mercy.  Ooh, looks like they gotcha now Jack!  Hunky manages to smack Jack's knife away from him, which goes sailing out the door.  This makes Jack unhappy, as he tramples Hunky's poor cockney cock.   Dory doesn't seem to give much thought to his friend's pulverized pelvis as he continues to give chase to little Jack Horner, who has now been cornered.  It appears Dory has come prepared for the worst. No idea where he's been stashing that thing, but ya know, videogames. Am I right?   Meanwhile Jack exercises his right to bear ARMchairs. Haw hee haw hee haw.  The distraction gives Jack just enough to time to swing on a rope, making for a "HEROIC" exit. Which might have been more heroic if it weren't for Jack's emotionless face and crotch hogging the screen real-estate.  Catch ya later, bozos!   I guess we're just okay to assume that the door is locked and the people who put ol' Jackie here DON'T have a key.  Oh? Did that thought cross your mind as well, Jack?  Oh, I see.  Heights... Why does it have to be heights?  Before checking to see if it's locked? How did you guys get in the drat room in the first place if you don't have a key?  Oh, what I'd give for a "jump" option right now.  Alrighty, guess it's time for another puzzle sequence. Perhaps this time, with logic more reasonable than purposefully getting our jaw knocked loose. Let's mosey on over to the right side of the roof and see what we can find.  There appears to be a stairway over here, along with what appears to be 3-dimensional bird poo poo.  "Johnson! I need those 3-d bird poo poo models done and ready, stat!" "Sir, wouldn't it make more sense to have the bird poo poo as a texture rather than a model?" "I don't wanna hear any more of this 2d texture bullshit! We're making a high caliber 3-dimensional game here, it's 2007 for crying out loud!" Jack ain't havin' none of that poo poo. Looks like we've got ourselves a mess to clean if we want to get to our knife which somehow managed to flail itself into that crow's nest last we saw it. Let's mosey on back and see what lies on the upper right side of the roof.  Jack is all too eager to share his extensive bucket wisdom. As Jack refuses to do anything useful with the bucket for the time being, assumingly we're supposed to find something to use with the water bucket. Presumably to fulfill our cleaning duties, since Jack is too much of a puss to walk around some drat bird poo poo.  Bingo! Heading back to the left of the roof, we not only find our cleaning tool, but our means of escape as well. We'll wanna grab that knife before leaving so let's just clean the poo poo and get this over with.  WHAT. Jacke Keane, adventure extraordinaire, can't seem to manage to pull a flimsy piece of cloth from under a barrel. Brilliant. But, it appears there's a broom nearby, so we'll just take care of this problem with a little LEVERAGE.   Well pardon me, mister prissy pants. You've officially brainstormed all the good ideas out of the room with your negativity, Jack. We don't have many other apparent options here, so now it's time to do what we all know best, click on random poo poo until something happens. In this case, clicking on the geometric mess that is the rope knot in the foreground there, makes Jack untie the thing, taking us down the tower.   So.. I guess you'll come back for your knife later? Or just buy a new one I suppose. Yep, all looks like smooth sailing from here!  Oh? But what's this? Suddenly the lift has started moving back up. What could be causing this?  Oh yeah that's right, we're still being chased or whatever. Incidentally, the sudden movement of the lift seems to have sent the barrel tipping and sliding a bit more towards the edge. Gee, it's almost like it probably wasn't that heavy if it tips so easily, huh?  Jack jumps into action by first grabbing the now-freed cleaning rag, and then finally using the power of leverage with his broom, somehow using up the whole broom, which presumably fades from existence after being used here.  And with the extra weight gone..  We find ourselves back at square one.  "Jiffy" here, meaning "never." Just in case you thought this game might have anything vaguely related to tension or drama.  Well, now that we have the cleaning rag, and with Hunky and Dory currently trapped on the arms/arrows of the giant clock below, let's go take care of that bird's business, shall we? Starting with getting our new rag nice and wet.  Interestingly enough, Jack seems to have already forgotten how his new-found wet rag got wet in the first place.  Now let's clean dat poo poo.  Now that the staircase is nice and wet, Jack's worries of slipping are long-gone now, and he can step down onto the platform. Now let's go grab that knife.  "Caw!"      And by you, you mean me. Since you are a great big naysayer when it comes to coming up with ideas, here. FINE. Let's see what we can find over on the left here, then.  Jack's fountain of wisdom is never-ending. Sure, why not. We'll just take that then, and this tower will be without one. Now let's see what we can do with these paint buckets over here.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME? CLIMBING? THERE'S SAFETY RAILS AND NO CLIMBING INVOLVED. You don't even have to move the DANGER sign there, just walk around it ya big lug! Walking around the rooftop trying to find ways to get to those eye-catching paint buckets will do us no good here. Believe me, I've tried. Nope, those very enticing buckets of paint are purely there for decoration, as we've got everything we need right here with this apparent tower-necessity.  Bombs away!  Yeah, looks like they're trying real hard to get back up there.  D'oh!   Wowweewowwee Whooooaaaaaaaa!!   ..And Dory resumes his business of trying to get back up. Oh yeah and I guess that crash caused(?) the clock to turn, making the bell ring...  ..Scaring birdy off. Yeah, that's what happens every hour when you set up your nest at a clock tower, buddy. Think you'd be used to it by now.  Good. Let's get this over with.  Oh okay, so no problems with heights now, huh? Stepping around a sign is too much but stepping out on that little platform is fine and dandy now that there's no sharp-beaked bird around.  You didn't seem too attached to it when you tried to bail without it just MOMENTS ago. Also..  Huh. Almost seems like it's pretty drat VITAL you didn't leave without it, huh buster? Guess Jack here PLANNED on getting chased around the rooftop by goons all along so he could get the barrel knocked out of place by the counterweight of the goons, so he could get the rag to clean the poo poo to get to the sandbag to throw at the goons to make time GO FASTER to scare the bird away to get your knife, huh? I underestimated your scheming skills, Jacky boy.    And with that, we're finally busting this joint. As Jack descends into the darkness, so do I. And we shall begin anew once again, once I've managed to recover from this most recent venture. Has Jack finally rid himself of Hewie and Louie? Will he ever overcome his crippling interchangable fear/not fear of heights/birds/paint cans? Tune in next time to find out! Keane Fact of the Day: There appears to be only two pieces of Jack Keane fan art in existence. This is one of them:  While the depiction of Jack Keane's demise is a flattering one, the author of this piece reminds us not to get too worked up about it - "A little Deck13 Fan Art. Don't take it too serious, I love Jack Keane." Bert of the Forest fucked around with this message at 10:28 on Oct 31, 2014 |
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Oct 31, 2014 10:11
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At least he got Jack's face perfectly. Whenever he looks into the camera, I have an overwhelming urge to hide under the table.
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Oct 31, 2014 10:55
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Bert of the Forest posted:In Jack Keane, left clicking on anything will encourage Jack to spew some of his witty observations on the object. Conversely, right clicking on an object in Jack Keane causes Jack to do whatever action he is meant to take with the object. Honestly the most annoying thing about this game. Those controls are backwards.
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Oct 31, 2014 15:54
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Now here's a philosophical question for you adventure game fans: What's more annoying, pixel hunts or whiny protagonists?
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Oct 31, 2014 18:06
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Pixel hunts. Legend of Kyrandia features Joe Kucan as a whiny protagonist and it's glorious. And people can take lot of poo poo from an adventure game protagonists; hell, Deponia exists.
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Oct 31, 2014 18:15
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Tiggum posted:Honestly the most annoying thing about this game. Those controls are backwards. Indeed if it weren't for this, so many puzzles would be resolved so much quicker. Even after playing it so much, I almost never get used to it. Wouldn't be so bad if Jacky had anything vaguely interesting to say about the things he looks at. SSNeoman posted:Now here's a philosophical question for you adventure game fans: What's more annoying, pixel hunts or whiny protagonists? I think you forgot to mention smug-rear end protagonists. Bonus Keane: Looks like my initial findings of there only being two pieces of Jack Keane fan art in existence was wrong. Apparently there was a Jack Keane fan art contest a little while ago over at the GOG forums. Apparently the game must be mildly more popular there. All of the entries are hasty photoshops, but this one is a beaut. 
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Oct 31, 2014 18:51
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SSNeoman posted:Now here's a philosophical question for you adventure game fans: What's more annoying, pixel hunts or whiny protagonists? Depends. Can I skip the dialogue? Because I've played games where you can't, and those are the worst. But if you can just rapidly click through all the dialogue then it doesn't really matter what anyone is saying, so the pixel hunting is worse.
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Nov 1, 2014 03:51
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Wow. At least Guybrush usually gets comically mauled by something before deciding not to mess with it again. What kind of wimpy coward are we dealing with, here?
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Nov 4, 2014 18:38
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Nov 6, 2014 02:00
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Episode 3 - Hello  After narrowly escaping certain doom last time by somehow surviving the sudden unhindered drop of a flimsy wooden elevator from the roof of a clock tower, Jack rushes to tell his crew the .jpg) Oh yes, and lest we forget, Jack is still running away from a couple of crime cronies. .jpg)  And here we meet Jack's swashbuckling crew. Two rather unremarkable characters whose only real characterization comes from their endless lust for booze and their otherwise unremarkability. The skinny one is Lawrence, and the orange one is Eric. And it may be hard to tell from their expressions, but this is what "nervous" looks like. .jpg) "Sure, from the Royal Port Police." "Um, No Jack. He's.." "Let ME handle this! I know all there is about dealing with these guys!" "Famous last words." "Listen, Little Joe.." "Joe Little!" "Just because we've moored here for a few days without paying.. and simply because we've unloaded our cargo at night without declaring it.. that's certainly no reason to act like such a big shot! We've got bigger problems to solve and time is short!" "So. How much do you want? Two pounds, three? Boys, how about taking a second to pool.." "Jack, he's.." "Joseph Little from THE ROYAL SECRET SERVICE!" "Mission? Lucrative?" "Word has it that you're the fastest captain on the London-India route!" "Um, sure, right you are! That's me!" "Even though you do tend to.. lose your cargo rather frequently." The Fast and the Smuggiest. "And that's what we're looking for. The Queen wishes to have one of her best agents brought to an Island in the Indian Ocean. The pay is 10,000 pounds sterling to compensate for passage." CHA CHING!  "Hardly anyone knows its coordinates, and even fewer are welcome there." "Strange... That name seems to ring a bell... Whatever. At any rate, we've got to clear out of London. Now." "Now Jack, don't be a bleedin' idiot! You're in hock to that cutthroat up to your ears! You're better off here where you can straighten that out! You can't keep running away forever!" What's all this sensible talking? You two are sailors damnit! "Are you nuts? The further we are from our problems, the better! So. Where is this Agent we're supposed to take aboard? "You would not be taking him aboard here. That would be halfway across the route, in South Africa." "Fine! We're in! Don't worry your pretty little head about that guy!" "Well to be honest.."  Jack seems to derive immense pleasure from this sentence.  CAST OFF BOYS. And then there's some stupid joke about them being unprepared to cast off because of some sails or poo poo but they're gonna DO IT ON THE WAY because comedy. And then Mr. Handlebar shakes his head in a kind of "Oh boy, what an idiot I just hired" kind of way but apparently doesn't regret it enough to hire someone else or at least a non-wanted criminal. You don't get to see any of this because I'm sick of this conversation poo poo already and we got a lot of ground to cover so HERE WE GO, THEY'RE SAILING OFF LOOK AT THAT.  Looks like our old friends Hunky and Dory found their way down from the tower as well somehow, despite Jack having presumably broken the elevator and having left them to die on the hands of the clock.  Dory finds a scrap of (paper?) or something on the floor which apparently must say where Jack is going. Guess he didn't keep his non-existent receipt, since we never saw him get handed any forms or anything for the duration of the conversation, but I guess we need SOMETHING to excuse the continued existence of these kooky villains, so whatever. Guess we'll be seeing more of Hunky and Dory's antics in the future.    And finally, some new scenery. Luckily, for all of Jack Keane's faults, some of its settings are honestly quite good looking. With the exception of the dreary London we start the game off in, that is. Once we get to all the adventuring and swashbuckling though, things start getting more colorful and less eye-poison.   Naturally, all of the interesting action sequences apparently happen whenever we're not playing to make room for more of the game's mouth-flapping-NPC sequences. "Wouldn't have been half as bad if the rotten fore lower topsail yard hadn't crashed down on me head!" "And even that wouldn't have mattered as much if we had a first-aid chest like we were supposed to!" "Well now, don't be such a wimp, Lawrence!" "Me, a wimp? I wouldn't complain as much, if I got paid!" "Lawrence is right! As long as you're not paying us, anyway, the least we want is a shore leave that fits the bill!" "Shore leave? We're taking that agent on board, and then it's time for us to get going again!"    Welp, you heard Jack's apparent slave-laborers! Our mission, pick up this agent-fella, and get some booze for workers compensation. "Shore leave" to these two apparently just translates to standing in one place while waiting for Jack to fetch them their booze, so we'll just let them stand a little longer. Will Eric and Lawrence ever learn the true meaning of worker's unions? Will Jack ever wipe that smug look off his face? And will Hunky and Dory catch up to our heroes and finally put them out of their misery? Find out next time! Keane Fact of the Day: Jack Keane's official website (which is in German, as the Jack Keane developers Deck13 are German themselves) describes old Jacky as "notoriously damp" when translated, and I don't think I've ever read a more perfect sentence to describe this game as a whole. 
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Jan 6, 2015 07:41
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quote:His eyes see forever.
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Jan 6, 2015 08:02
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I don't know how this game manages to make its own plot hooks sound so incredibly dull. You've got a secret agent, a mysterious island, a reckless sea captain, and none of it sounds even vaguely interesting.
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Jan 6, 2015 09:20
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| # ? May 11, 2024 18:06 |
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Here we go again. When Guybrush's crew made demands of him, it was generally because they were more competent people who he tricked, swindled, or otherwise took advantage of in order to get them on his crew. These guys just seem like Jack Keane was scraping the bottom of the crewman barrel.
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Jan 8, 2015 18:51
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