|
DECEMBER 30, 2014 An iPhone Learns a Dark Truth About Itself I. I’m a simple girl. I don’t need much fanfare. Just a white power cable every now and then. I love my parents very much. My mother’s a 4S and my father’s a 3G. They met in a drawer, where they still live. They have lots in common, like they’re both white. Whenever they get in a fight, my mom always brings up the fact that she’s a more advanced model. This makes dad get overheated. Sometimes I worry, because my parents are fat and old (by modern standards). Most nights, I lay awake and ask unanswerable questions. Like: What was I put on earth to do? Why have I been sick with Apple Maps for so long and why has no one helped? And, are Androids lazy and stupid, or is that just a stereotype? Mom says it’s normal to grapple with these things—it’s part of growing up. I’m a happy person. I’ve always been well-liked and attractive—I’m thin and smart—but something seems different lately. I have this feeling in my dual core that things are about to change. II. On Monday, I overhear that I’m going to the Verizon store later in the week. I’m thrilled (I love to travel), but when I tell my parents they respond with a weird silence. My mother says there’s something I must do before I go: I must visit the Great One. The Great One is a hermit who lives in a distant memento chest. She is a first-generation iPod. The next afternoon, I make the difficult journey. First, I launch a Google image of the first-generation iPod. Then I load a Wikipedia page of the Apple-product time line. My owner, inspired to compare the products, opens the chest. I quickly launch a fake reminder—“You forgot to pick up your daughter!”—which makes him bolt and leave me behind. As I mentioned, I’m pretty smart. Inside the chest, there are old photos and Beanie Babies covered in dust. A streak of moonlight pours through the panels. It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust. Then a looming figure appears in the distance. I begin to tremble, and I can’t tell whether it’s from nerves or low battery. III. The Great One moves at a snail’s pace. Her face is cloudy and dim. She has no eyes on the front or the back. I’ve never seen someone so old. It takes a few minutes before she says anything. “You come because you go to Verizon store, but you do not know why,” the Great One begins. My voice crackles as I speak. “What’s going to happen there? Why do I have to go?” I ask. The Great One smiles. “You go because prophecy dictate. Because Creator has plan for us all.” The Creator is a spiritual being who watches over all Apple products. His name is Steve. He died a few years ago, but most people still believe he controls everything somehow. I want to believe in the Creator, but it’s hard. There’s just so much suffering in the world, what with the recent iOS bug and all. “Why is it that my parents never had to make this trip?” I ask. “They serve own purpose,” she tells me. “They have no resale value, so now are backup.” I blink dumbly. It is all too much to take in at once. “You must have faith,” the Great One says. I nod. I hope the Creator has a plan for me, but I just don’t know. IV. I arrive at the store to find a bright-red poster of the iPhone 6. “Trade-in today,” it reads. I swallow. This must be how my Aunt Tammy felt before she fell into the pool and not even a bowl of rice could bring her back. My owner places me on the counter while he talks with an employee. I stay quiet, both in anticipation and because I’m on silent mode. I start thinking about all the things I never got to do. Like travel the world. Like take big risks—I never even broke a screen. I spent way too much time hiding between couch cushions. The Verizon man leaves me in a back room where I huddle next to many others of my kind. “This must be the end,” I think. A blinding light appears on the horizon. I feel warm. I close my eyes. V. Some time later, I buzz awake; someone has put a white cable in my mouth. “Am I alive?” I wonder. I scan my surroundings. I’m in a thatched hut full of electronics. I glance out the window and catch sight of a giant mountain. Then I see a blue sign that reads, “易在 当今!” My eyes widen. “My God,” I think. “I’m in the home of my ancestors.” And, suddenly, I’m weightless. I look up at a young boy. And the expression on his face catches me by complete surprise. Because he looks at me with wonder. Like I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. And I begin to cry. Because Steve really does have a plan for us all. I’ve never been more certain of anything in all my battery life.
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2015 09:19
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 13, 2024 04:22 |
|
|
what the gently caress is this poo poo i didnt read
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2015 09:29
|
|
|
i lolled
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2015 09:34
|
|
|
im counting dozens, if not hundreds of words in the op
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2015 09:49
|
|
|
had to double check and see if this was written by cremnob
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2015 10:23
|
|
|
pram posted:im counting dozens, if not hundreds of words in the op it is a beautiful story that entertains and teaches a valuable lesson
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2015 10:31
|
|
|
didn't read but came in to post that I have a iphone
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2015 10:50
|
|
|
i read lol
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2015 10:52
|
|
|
tldr, fag
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2015 10:56
|
|
|
poty posted:I. this is p misogynist btw
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2015 13:06
|
|
|
poty posted:
dats racist
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2015 13:08
|
|
|
joke's on you, OP: i hug all my Apple® devices passionately at least every few hours so WAY ahead of you there
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2015 14:55
|
|
|
Smythe posted:tldr, fag too long didn't read, forum about goons
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2015 15:11
|
|
|
i rubbed one out while not reading this op
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2015 17:40
|
|
|
colbylol posted:i rubbed one out while not reading this op
|
|
#
?
Jan 12, 2015 09:07
|
|
|
Lol'd at the op
|
|
#
?
Jan 12, 2015 09:24
|
|
|
poty posted:Because Steve really does have a plan for us all. 
|
|
#
?
Jan 12, 2015 14:05
|
|
|
hey do the new iphones still have that feature where if they get too hot they will lockout and wont let you do anything till they cool down?
|
|
#
?
Jan 12, 2015 15:26
|
|
|
cheese-cube posted:hey do the new iphones still have that feature where if they get too hot they will lockout and wont let you do anything till they cool down? how is this a bad thing
|
|
#
?
Jan 12, 2015 17:39
|
|
|
As a Millennial I posted:how is this a bad thing not being able to make emergency calls in the middle of the desert? e: in retrospect that is possibly a good thing
|
|
#
?
Jan 12, 2015 17:47
|
|
|
are you this guy It looks like Apple’s iPhone 3G and 3GS phones can’t stand the heat [literally]. After being faced with a numerous stories coming from warmer countries, the company moved forward to release a temperature warning. According to the official Apple’s page, the acceptable operating temperature is ranging from zero to 35 degrees Celsius, e.g. 32-95 Fahrenheit: "Operate iPhone 3G and iPhone 3GS in a place where the temperature is between 0º and 35º C (32º to 95º F). Low- or high-temperature conditions might temporarily shorten battery life or cause the device to temporarily stop working properly. Store iPhone 3G and iPhone 3GS in a place where the temperature is between -20º and 45º C (-4º to 113º F). Don?t leave the device in your car, because temperatures in parked cars can exceed this range." Given the predominant summer temperatures, this would limit iPhone from use in most of California and south United States, most of Europe, complete Africa, Middle East, South Asia? all in all, in the end the device should be used freely in Alaska, Canada, Greenland, Iceland, Ireland, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Northern Russia and Australia during winter months [e.g. now]. It is normal that cellphone manufacturers issue temperature ranges of the devices in hand, but to state that the device should not operate at 35C air temperature is downright "crazy". For comparison, the author of these lines uses a Blackberry 9000 Bold. Its operational temperature range is -15C to 50 degrees Celsius, e.g. 5-122 Fahrenheit. This means iPhone should not be used in countries that have winter or hot summer, as the country I currently reside dips even to -18C in winter and heats up to 40C in summer. We are not certain what the heck happened with Apple and their design team. All we know is that Apple itself is located in the heart of Silicon Valley, and that place gets hotter than the allowed operating temperature for iPhone 3G and 3GS. Just weird.
|
|
#
?
Jan 12, 2015 17:53
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 13, 2024 04:22 |
|
|
pram posted:im counting dozens, if not hundreds of words in the op
|
|
#
?
Jan 12, 2015 17:56
|
|
