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Why am I doing this? I like things that aren't 'good'. What is Monster High? quote:Monster High is an American fashion doll franchise created by Mattel and launched in July 2010. The characters are inspired by monster movies, sci-fi horror, thriller fiction, and various creatures thus distinguishing them from most other fashion dolls on the market. [...] The franchise is distinctive due to its extensive use of humorous horror puns such as referring to juvenile female characters as "ghouls" rather than girls.  This is the third in a series of books written by Lisi Harrison. Why am I not reading the first? Because this was the one that I found at the book sale. This one is about a werewolf girl, if you didn't guess. I asked a goon I know who's way, way into doll stuff if she knew anything about the books. This was her response: "oh yeah, that's the terrible series" So obviously, I'm going to be sharing because I wouldn't want to go into this alone. I'll be going chapter by chapter, with what summary, reflections, and analysis I can provide. To start off, here's what the inside of the jacket says: quote:Clawdeen Wolf  (Clawdeen) (Frankie) (Melody, who has no official art.)Here's the dedication: quote:Fur Cindy Lederman, Garrett Sander, Eric Hardie, and the rest of the freakishly creative Monster High team. You put the awe in claw.* And finally, here's the Table of Contents for what I'm going to be reading for you assholes: quote:TABLE OF CONTENTS VITAL STATS: Chapter titles that make good Ratchet and Clank titles: 4 Total puns so far: 22 Outfit checks: 1 Djeser fucked around with this message at 22:41 on Mar 10, 2015 |
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Mar 10, 2015 07:47
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Chapter 1 - On The L.A.M.B. Each chapter has a little silhouette of the viewpoint character, so it's kind of like Game of Thrones. This one is from Clawdeen's perspective, and it starts off with her running desperately through the woods. The first line in the book establishes that werewolves wolfing out = periods, so great. I'm trying not to copy too many lines, to put as little as possible of this book in my brain as possible, but this one stuck out at me, since I couldn't pick out one single portion of it to point and laugh at. quote:"Slow down!" she barked at the five athletic J.Crew catalog-worthy guys who formed a protective rhombus around her as they charged, panting, through the woods. Is it the garden path? The said bookism that also makes it a werewolf pun? The terrifying adjective phrase "five athletic J.Crew catalog-worthy" that's both awkward and product placement? The use of "rhombus"? The fact that a rhombus has four points and there's five guys? Anyway, these five guys are her brothers, which is disappointing, because otherwise this would be romantic. Her words, not mine. She's having trouble running, because she's wearing designer boots. We get a rundown of her family:
They joke about Clawdeen's boots. Clawdeen reflects angrily on their parents' choices in naming them, in a stab at humor that would be funny if their last name wasn't Wolf to begin with. Then, the story flashes back to explain why she's running. Her and her friends all starred in a reality show under the condition that their faces were blurred so no one could identify them. They're monsters living in the human world (the book term is "RAD") so their identities are a big deal. But the reality show, named The Ghoul Next Door, aired without censoring anything, interrupting a limo drive she and her friends were getting out to the "Oregon sand dunes." I don't know either. Clawdeen lays out her suspicions that Cleo de Nile is behind this, because she refused to star in the show, and is friends with a normal human. (The book term is "normie".) Clawdeen and her brothers are running off to meet their mom, Harriet, to stay somewhere safe. Clawdeen is upset that she's running away from home just a few weeks before her Sassy Sixteen, "(because what sixteen-year-old wants to be sweet?)" and thinks to herself that she's too old to "follow the pack". Other notes: The product placement in this book is insane. I kept a list just as I was reading this eight-page chapter, and I came up with The Bachelorette, Teen Vogue, Condé Nast (because tween girls will recognize media conglomerates), TMZ, and Crystal Light. The book mentions in a not-very-subtle way that she has C-cup breasts. Howleen's nickname is Leena, which "rhymed with mean-a for a reason". The phrase "ab-grabbing laughter" shows up, which seems like someone was aiming for a hipper way of saying side-splitting and instead made it sound more painful than anything. VITAL STATISTICS Total puns so far: 39 Products placed: 6 Outfit checks: 4 Djeser fucked around with this message at 09:02 on Mar 10, 2015 |
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Mar 10, 2015 08:48
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As an addendum, since we've got another character to add to the roster, here's Cleo de Nile, who is the mummy.
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Mar 10, 2015 08:55
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Chapter 2 - Fright or Flight This one is focused on Frankie and introduces a poo poo-ton of characters. Here's a partial dramatis personae:
Frankie is hiding out in a hidden underground hideout beneath a carnival ride. Carnival rides? This... No, there's no way... She's sitting around trying not to get mad because if she does, she'll spark, and if she runs out of electricity, she'll slip into a coma and lose her memory after five minutes. Her friend Billy shows up and comforts her in a he's-probably-going-to-be-her-love-interest way. All the other monsters start showing up because their secret identities are in danger. Among these is Julia, who talks liiiiiiiiiike thiiiiiiiiiiiis because she's a zombie, and Blue, who does not stop reminding you that she's Australian. Some of her dialogue: quote:"Who figahd Brett was such a bounce? I had him sussed for a real mate." But they don't matter, the one who matters is Cleo, the girl that Clawdeen was grumping about last chapter. She is in 100% bitch mode acting like everything's no big deal. She uses "Ka!" as expletive, which I guess is supposed to be like a "Cha, yeah right" sort of thing. (Egypt Note: the ancient Egyptian concept of the soul had two parts, the ba and the ka. The ba is your identity and the ka is the breath of life.) She also says the first joke that I found amusing, which is calling someone a "pain in the Aswan." Anyway, Cleo says that she tried to sabotage the movie (apparently it was more of a documentary than a reality show) because she wanted people to go to a fashion shoot with her instead of watching the movie. She claims to have erased the movie from Brett's computer with the help of Bekka Madden, a human girl who Frankie has issues with. Cleo loses all the appeal she has from making a funny pun when she says "Swearsies on Ra. I was in the Oregon sand dunes fighting for my life in a camel stampede while this was going down." ? ???????? Cleo's about to reveal something about Melody, who everyone thinks is human. Whoops, guess saying she's a harpy was a spoiler. But then Blue interrupts her, telling her "Quit your earbashing and stick to the point. Did you throw us under the trolly or not?" I don't know if this is something real Australians say, but it's something Australian stereotypes say. Frankie's mom and dad show up. Her dad is named Viktor, which makes him Viktor Stein, not Viktor Frankenstein, but I don't want to wade back into the Monster High wiki to fact check who her dad's supposed to be. The give her a purse that's a portable amp ("modeled after a Chanel"!) which gives an excuse to run down a list of all the things Frankie has in her purse. Then a big TV screen pops down from the ceiling and it's Dracula on a voice chat from his private yacht. He's dressed like Hugh Hefner and he's super tan because tanning beds are a-okay for vampires. He's super rich, and apparently also the boss of all of the monsters, because he says they all have to go into hiding and take on new human identities. They have to turn in their phones, which is terrible for teenage girls, especially since Frankie's phone is a gift from Billy, cementing his spot as love interest. In return, everyone gets emergency money, new papers, and, I quote, "a gift card for a new iPhone redeemable at any Apple Store worldwide." People are upset about leaving. Deuce is going to get kicked off the basketball team. Lala doesn't want to have to go live with her "grimparents". Blue is upset about missing the Sassy Sixteen that's probably not even happening. Frankie doesn't want to leave, and since her parents don't want to either and her identity wasn't compromised, she's sticking around. Deuce's mom, who is vaguely sexy, uses her gorgon powers to turn their wallets and phones to stone. If she can turn inanimate objects to stone, then does the rule about 'don't her in the eye' apply? She wears sunglasses, but she can turn inanimate objects to stone. If you had a mirror, could she turn the mirror into stone? I'm beginning to doubt the robustness of the worldbuilding here. Other notes: This is the second time a girl's mom has gotten a bit of description, and like last time, there's a kind of "hot trendy mom" vibe. Which, I understand, these are all based off dolls, but it's a little odd. Maybe I'm just inventing some wish-fulfillment vibes, knowing that this book was written by a middle-aged woman. Among the more typical appealing-to-the-tweens product placements, there was some slightly weirder references that popped out, like how Lala's "Uncle Vlad" is apparently Vampire Andy Warhol, or describing tan lines as "Mondrian-esque" which are two pretty serious art history references for thirteen year olds. I wonder if the author has some art degree, or if it's just trying to ascribe artiness to vampires the same way this book is ascribing being a bitch to being a mummy, or being Australian to being a sea monster. There was a really weird mixed metaphor about how "She felt as if a dozen chandelier earrings were dangling off her lashes." But if you're making a simile about things that weigh down your lashes, wouldn't you say something like "she felt as if she'd put a dozen layers of mascara on" or something? I'll start actually noting down the product placement brands, since some of these are weird to drop in. VITAL STATS: Total puns so far: 50 Products placed: Starbursts, Burt's Bees, Teen Vogue, Chanel, Joie, iPhone, Harakuju Lovers, Lady Gaga, Jay-Z, Happy Meal, Crest Whitestrips, iPhone again, Apple Store, Dior, Katy Perry Outfit checks: 9
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Mar 10, 2015 22:38
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Why did i click on this thread, i didn't need to know about this. Somewhere there's a world, another dimension that took a different path from the moment i decided to click on this thread. In that world i didn't. Maybe if i die i'll go there.
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Mar 10, 2015 22:59
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There's a world where I bought some other book for $1 at a library book sale, but clearly, we're not living in the best of all possible worlds.
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Mar 10, 2015 23:23
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I am having the same kind of culture shock I experienced when I learned that the highest-grossing youtube channel is a pair of hands unboxing toys.
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Mar 11, 2015 10:02
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Character update, since I haven't read Chapter 3 yet. Brett and Bekka are book-only characters, and since they're also humans, who gives a gently caress? Billy, aka Invisi Billy:  Blue, aka Lagoona Blue aka   Deuce Gorgon:  Lala, aka Draculaura:  Julia, aka Ghoulia. (What's weird is that in the book she gets called both Julia and Ghoulia, and I didn't know which was a nickname.) 
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Mar 11, 2015 21:24
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Don't we have a dedicated anime forum?
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Mar 12, 2015 03:52
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Djeser posted:Why am I doing this? I don't think that really answers the question, actually.
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Mar 12, 2015 04:11
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Wow Op, this book is so bad hahahha. I really like the badness of this book, I definitely want to read you dissecting the exact way in which its bad for hundreds of tedious, cum soaked pages. Rate this thread a five!, because this book is so bad lmao.
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Mar 12, 2015 04:28
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Djeser posted:Why am I doing this? Thanks, I plan on reading all of these words.
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Mar 12, 2015 04:37
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A human heart posted:Wow Op, this book is so bad hahahha. I really like the badness of this book, I definitely want to read you dissecting the exact way in which its bad for hundreds of tedious, cum soaked pages. Rate this thread a five!, because this book is so bad lmao. I'm trying not to make too many value judgements. I'll try harder to be impartial from here on. Earwicker posted:I don't think that really answers the question, actually. I'm interested in what things that aren't well-regarded have to offer.
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Mar 12, 2015 05:07
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Chapter 3 - Under the Influence This is our (re-)introduction to the Carver family, who are all humans as far as we know. Melody is the point of view character, but there's also Candace, her ditz sister, Glory, her mom, and Beau, her plastic surgeon dad. Melody mopes around at home because her friends are being hunted, and because in the last book(?) someone hinted that she was adopted. Her mom pops in, and is happy to hear that Melody has her voice back. (She previously had athsma.) Her dad also pops in, talking about the monsters who have had their identity compromised. He wants to show them to a friend, and also says he's been getting calls from people who want to get surgery to look like monsters. This sets us up to learn that there are now NUDIs, or "Normies Uncool with Discriminating Idiots", who are social justice activists for monsters. Melody gets a call from Mrs. J, who is her biology teacher and also the mother of Melody's boyfriend, Jackson. Melody gets her sister to come out with her to a coffee shop where she meets up with Jackson, in disguise, and asks him to stay. He says she'll have to ask his mom, who shows up right then because she was hiding in the bathroom. Melody explains that if she stays, she's setting an example that monsters don't have to run, and that Jackson can keep his disguise and go to another school. Mrs. J hadn't thought of that, so she agrees to stick around. End of chapter. Other notes: There's a big hyphenation problem in this book. There's an I'm-from-Beverly-Hills shine, there's her boyfriend's-mom-slash-beyond-intellectual-biology teacher, but the worst instance is an I-should-get-points-for-even-knowing-that-word-because-perfectly-symmetrical-blonds-like-me-aren't-expected-to-and-I-did sort of way. Melody's family has organic, fat-free milk in the fridge, but then her dad eats a Lean Cuisine meal, which seems way too mass-market for someone who drinks organic milk. Also, his full dinner is wine and Lean Cuisine. Jackson's fake identity is as someone named Rick, so he's wearing a tee shirt that says "hello, my name is Rick." Mrs. J texts the flight crew of the jet she was going to take, because she wants them to doggie bag the food she was going to eat on the airplane. This chapter is pretty much an all-around improvement from the last two, probably because the characters are marginally less ridiculous. For instance, Melody has a weirdly handsome dad and Candace is a pretty nothing character who just acts as Melody's like-aged foil, but she's a lot more identifiable than Clawdeen or Frankie. While the "oh no, am I adopted" is a bit melodramatic, it means that she acts like a teenage girl who feels like she doesn't fit in with her family, and who's concerned about social issues involving her friends. Also, no puns in this chapter, which makes it a lot easier to read. Well, almost no puns. This is before the reader is supposed to know that Melody is a harpie, but her sister dresses up in a bird-watching costume when she's "on lookout" in the parked car at the coffee shop. VITAL STATS: Total puns so far: 60 Products placed: Tory Burch, J Brand, Wicked, Armani, Lean Cuisine, Pyrex, iPhone, BMW, Formica, Hot Rod Magazine, Oreo, American Express Outfit checks: 4
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Mar 12, 2015 05:39
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Djeser posted:I'm interested in what things that aren't well-regarded have to offer. I can understand why you might idly pick up some crap looking book at a free book stall or whatever and leaf through it to see what's in it. I don't understand why you are posting thousands of words about with summary and reflections and analysis and "vital stats" sections (?). Its a series that exists as merchandising for a toy product line for kids, I doubt even the author paid this much attention to it.
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Mar 12, 2015 13:58
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Comedy gold. Frontpage ahoy. This isn't just bad, this is baa-aaa-aaaaaaaa-aaad.
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Mar 12, 2015 18:11
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Earwicker posted:I doubt even the author paid this much attention to it. Which is why I'm paying attention to it. Ras Het posted:Comedy gold. Frontpage ahoy. This isn't just bad, this is baa-aaa-aaaaaaaa-aaad. If the rest of the book is like chapter 3 was, it'll actually be a decent read. I'm obviously still outside the target demo, but I decided I'd read this book because I don't have much else to do, and it'd be nice if it was a good book.
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Mar 12, 2015 21:11
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Djeser posted:Which is why I'm paying attention to it. That's retarded.
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Mar 13, 2015 00:32
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Djeser posted:Which is why I'm paying attention to it. But why should we? I know you said it was bad, but is it bad in an interesting way? I mean I can understand deriving some enjoyment from bad media, but this is just banal.
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Mar 13, 2015 03:13
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Bunch of haters in here.
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Mar 13, 2015 09:06
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