you have been eating a banana all wrong

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PleasureKevin

how a dog eats a banana: eats the banana whole then pukes up the peel. then eats the puke too

how a monkey eats a banana: pinches the bottom end like a condom till it tears and peels it. throws peel no the ground and the zoo keeper slips on it and the monkeys hoot at him. he's humiliated even though he knows they're just animals. very depressed..

kangaroo: puts the banana in it's pouch where it ferments for 10+ days. lays back in a hammock and uses a straw to consume the rancid broth. drunk dials

# ? Aug 19, 2015 18:38

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# ? Jun 5, 2024 08:21

joke_explainer

I remember everyone freaking out about squeezing the banana from the bottom like it was vastly superior but it just gives you a very mushy banana if you try to do it. It's far better to pull the banana peel off like a normal person, just as fast. I don't get why everyone saw this and was like 'YES! I'm gonna crush the bottom of my bananas now too!!

# ? Aug 19, 2015 18:57

Ayatollah Hermione: by Cyrano4747

sideways like corn

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# ? Aug 19, 2015 19:09

yoober

joke_explainer posted:

I remember everyone freaking out about squeezing the banana from the bottom like it was vastly superior but it just gives you a very mushy banana if you try to do it. It's far better to pull the banana peel off like a normal person, just as fast. I don't get why everyone saw this and was like 'YES! I'm gonna crush the bottom of my bananas now too!!

I've had great success just pinching the banana at the very tip causing the woody end to split from the skin. it rarely makes the banana mushy at all and if it does it is only about a quarter inch on the bottom

# ? Aug 19, 2015 19:16

fuck. marry. t-rex

yoober posted:

I've had great success just pinching the banana at the very tip causing the woody end to split from the skin. it rarely makes the banana mushy at all and if it does it is only about a quarter inch on the bottom

I do it like this so my peels have the stem in the center of the flaps, and look appropriate for my cartoonish antics

# ? Aug 19, 2015 19:18

bacalou

i buy my bananas pre-peeled

# ? Aug 19, 2015 19:20

fuck. marry. t-rex

bacalou posted:

i buy my bananas pre-peeled

Modern American Grocer Banana, pre-peeled then sealed in a plastic wrap for freshness.

# ? Aug 19, 2015 19:22

fuck. marry. t-rex

Old woman shopping nearby: Do you think strawberries are in season yet?

Me, early 20s millenial looking at my smartphone: Seasonings are aisle 4, strawberries are aisle 10... *looking up* wait what's a season?

# ? Aug 19, 2015 19:25

fuck. marry. t-rex

It's so hot out

# ? Aug 19, 2015 19:26

google THIS

eventually the only one buying whole, unpeeled bananas will be your thrifty grandpa who also keeps whole sides of beef in his walk-in freezer

everyone's eyes glaze over when he starts his rant about the markup on banana fillets

# ? Aug 19, 2015 19:30

oliwan: by Nyc_Tattoo

I peel it then put it up me bum

# ? Aug 19, 2015 19:48

Luvcow: One day nearer spring

I use a potato peeler and slowly work my way in, takes a little longer but it's worth it

# ? Aug 19, 2015 19:58

PleasureKevin

oliwan posted:

I peel it then put it up me bum

http://www.snopes.com/disney/films/rafiki.asp

# ? Aug 19, 2015 20:46

DOPE FIEND KILLA G

# ? Aug 19, 2015 21:08

GoodbyeTurtles

--TripleH-- has the right idea

# ? Aug 19, 2015 21:19

fuck. marry. t-rex

Take the yellow pill and see just how deep the banana hole goes

# ? Aug 19, 2015 21:20

DOPE FIEND KILLA G

always remember to drain your banana of any synthetic lubricant before eating

# ? Aug 19, 2015 21:21

fuck. marry. t-rex

[SCENE: My wife, a banana tree, and I, in marriage therapy.]

Me: She hasn't put out in MONTHS. I'm very patient and reasonable, but I have needs you know? Don't you love me anymore?

[Her silence is deafening.]

# ? Aug 19, 2015 21:40

Qwerinty: by zen death robot

i squeeze it in the middle as hard as i can and it squirts out whole and a perfect arc into my mouth. i do this while staring directly into the creeper on the bus's eyes. technically you aren't allowed to eat a banana on the bus, but bus attendance is up since I started

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# ? Aug 19, 2015 22:05

eonwe

You actually put the whole thing peel and all in your rear end OP

# ? Aug 19, 2015 23:33

hemale in pain

can someone post a video of the reverse banana eating technique?

# ? Aug 20, 2015 17:59

PleasureKevin

hemale in pain posted:

can someone post a video of the reverse banana eating technique?

you mean this?

# ? Aug 20, 2015 18:16

DOPE FIEND KILLA G

as a profesh banana eater I have to say I find your banana strats laughable, you'll never be close to my 93 peels a minute with THOSE techniques I mean, have you ever even eaten food before?? As a professional who makes their living off of a complete and total mastery of bananas I can't share the total breadth of my banana knowledge with you out of interest of maintaining job security but let me tell u a few things to get yourself started

1) DO NOT EAT THE BANANAS!!!!! this may seem obvious to the more seasoned vets here but to a newbie it's very temptiing to start chowin down on some bananas during competition, but the goal here is to PEEL he bananas not consume. afterwards you'll have plenty of bananas to eat to your stomachs & hearts desire

2) while using your hands may be great for casual banana-ing you sure as hell aren't gonna be touching any of MY world records if you're trying to handle your bananas like an ape. humans invented tools for a reason. for starting out a good knife should be helpful but as you become more experienced you mmigjt wanna try something else, like a can opener for example can get you pretty far if you know what you're doing
WARNING: be careful with what sort of devices you use, they must require a reasonable degree of manual labor involved of else your runs won't be considered official and may be placed in the 'tool-assisted' category. for instance creating a banana peeling robot is not allowed unless assembled in real time prior to the banana peelig process, in which case it MAY be allowed I'm not sure, I'll need to talk to some people. Running over a bag of bananas in a motorized vehicle is also not allowed

3) keep your hands nice and moisturized AT ALL TIMES. you don't want to try and handle a great quantities of bananas with dry or greasy hands as you will not be working at maximum efficiency. you may want to look into lubricant, I reccomend KY

4) some advocate use of water baths to break down the banana peel prior to peeling. DO NOT DO THIS it is a waste of time and water. SEND YOUE WATER TO CALIFORNIANI INSTEAD PLEAESE WE ARE IN A DROUGHT

5)banana splits! huhhh? not the ice cream, we're talkin visual indicators of your progress based on time, bitch! I reccomend split but some use livesplit. ONLY USE IF YOU HACE BOUGHT A FOOT PEDAL otherwise you'll be wastin time clickin on your keyboard when you can be peeling. Splits help u know when you're on track or when you should just give up and start from the top & if your pace is golden

6) banana ripeness is KEY. some may naturally assume that you want the soggiest rear end blackest banana you can find but no, at that point the structural integrity of the banana is ruined. remember if the banana falls apart too much in the peeling then it is considered void, so my tip is wait until the banana gets it's very first black spots, THEN wait ONE day and you have a banana optimal for peeling

7) all bananas are different. one of the most important things to master is to quickly analyze your banana & find it's weak point. all bananas have them. some are best and most efficiently opened at the top, some on bottom, and sometimes even if the banana has substantial curvature it might actually be easiest to open from the center of the banana. it all depends. look ahead at your stack to learn ahead of time what you'll be dealing with, like Tetris in a way.

8)finally, PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE. you're not gonna be a banana master over night! unless you were one already of course, but it takes practice & hard work. I walk fast, I talk fast, I gently caress fast, and baby I do bananas FAST. And with enough practice so can you

# ? Aug 20, 2015 22:17

BeanBandit: Beanbandit?
Son of a bitch!

i prefer all my food pre chewed so i can just funnel it into my loving mouth like an idiot

# ? Aug 21, 2015 02:28

Luvcow: One day nearer spring

*waiter regurgitates food into patrons mouth, flaps wings*

# ? Aug 21, 2015 02:35

google THIS

BeanBandit posted:

i prefer all my food pre chewed so i can just funnel it into my loving mouth like an idiot

the soylent meme

# ? Aug 21, 2015 02:40

Mapparu

bananas sort of are disappointing in my opinion

# ? Aug 21, 2015 05:05

GBA

yoober posted:

I've had great success just pinching the banana at the very tip causing the woody end to split from the skin. it rarely makes the banana mushy at all and if it does it is only about a quarter inch on the bottom

Same here.
And the banana peel also splits into two neatly separated flaps, which is a plus for me.

# ? Aug 21, 2015 05:54

problematic hug

you've been eating tamarind all wrong, i.e. not at all

# ? Aug 21, 2015 08:44

DeepQantas: Ah, to be a Hero... Keeping such company...

When you peel a banana, wouldn't whichever end you start from be the top?

# ? Aug 21, 2015 09:54

Al Borland: by XyloJW

here is a banana for you kids.

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# ? Aug 21, 2015 10:43

DeepQantas: Ah, to be a Hero... Keeping such company...

Spiders eat fruit!?

how big a web do you need to catch a bannana?

# ? Aug 21, 2015 10:51

hemale in pain

PleasureKevin posted:

you mean this?

yes

thank you

# ? Aug 21, 2015 14:46

Senior Management

I do not eat bananas

:jerry:

# ? Aug 22, 2015 19:21

Senior Management

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brazilian_wandering_spider or banana spiders are very very dangerous and

:jerry:

# ? Aug 22, 2015 19:22

fema crisis actor: bweee-ooo-eee-ooo-eee-ooo

I eat my banana in a smoothie every morning, it's so right

# ? Aug 22, 2015 23:02

Koishi Komeiji

Here's how you eat a banana: throw that thing away and eat some mac and cheese like a normal person. :colbert:

# ? Aug 23, 2015 19:30

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# ? Jun 5, 2024 08:21

PleasureKevin

DOPE FIEND KILLA G posted:

as a profesh banana eater I have to say I find your banana strats laughable, you'll never be close to my 93 peels a minute with THOSE techniques I mean, have you ever even eaten food before?? As a professional who makes their living off of a complete and total mastery of bananas I can't share the total breadth of my banana knowledge with you out of interest of maintaining job security but let me tell u a few things to get yourself started

1) DO NOT EAT THE BANANAS!!!!! this may seem obvious to the more seasoned vets here but to a newbie it's very temptiing to start chowin down on some bananas during competition, but the goal here is to PEEL he bananas not consume. afterwards you'll have plenty of bananas to eat to your stomachs & hearts desire

2) while using your hands may be great for casual banana-ing you sure as hell aren't gonna be touching any of MY world records if you're trying to handle your bananas like an ape. humans invented tools for a reason. for starting out a good knife should be helpful but as you become more experienced you mmigjt wanna try something else, like a can opener for example can get you pretty far if you know what you're doing
WARNING: be careful with what sort of devices you use, they must require a reasonable degree of manual labor involved of else your runs won't be considered official and may be placed in the 'tool-assisted' category. for instance creating a banana peeling robot is not allowed unless assembled in real time prior to the banana peelig process, in which case it MAY be allowed I'm not sure, I'll need to talk to some people. Running over a bag of bananas in a motorized vehicle is also not allowed

3) keep your hands nice and moisturized AT ALL TIMES. you don't want to try and handle a great quantities of bananas with dry or greasy hands as you will not be working at maximum efficiency. you may want to look into lubricant, I reccomend KY

4) some advocate use of water baths to break down the banana peel prior to peeling. DO NOT DO THIS it is a waste of time and water. SEND YOUE WATER TO CALIFORNIANI INSTEAD PLEAESE WE ARE IN A DROUGHT

5)banana splits! huhhh? not the ice cream, we're talkin visual indicators of your progress based on time, bitch! I reccomend split but some use livesplit. ONLY USE IF YOU HACE BOUGHT A FOOT PEDAL otherwise you'll be wastin time clickin on your keyboard when you can be peeling. Splits help u know when you're on track or when you should just give up and start from the top & if your pace is golden

6) banana ripeness is KEY. some may naturally assume that you want the soggiest rear end blackest banana you can find but no, at that point the structural integrity of the banana is ruined. remember if the banana falls apart too much in the peeling then it is considered void, so my tip is wait until the banana gets it's very first black spots, THEN wait ONE day and you have a banana optimal for peeling

7) all bananas are different. one of the most important things to master is to quickly analyze your banana & find it's weak point. all bananas have them. some are best and most efficiently opened at the top, some on bottom, and sometimes even if the banana has substantial curvature it might actually be easiest to open from the center of the banana. it all depends. look ahead at your stack to learn ahead of time what you'll be dealing with, like Tetris in a way.

8)finally, PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE. you're not gonna be a banana master over night! unless you were one already of course, but it takes practice & hard work. I walk fast, I talk fast, I gently caress fast, and baby I do bananas FAST. And with enough practice so can you

# ? Aug 27, 2015 05:28

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > you have been eating a banana all wrong