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Looking for some feedback on the second full draft of a work in progress. Any feedback is appreciated. Under the Light of the Stars about 6,100 words *REMOVED FOR SUBMISSIONS* Thanks again for the feedback. It was massively helpful for the next two drafts. Guiness13 fucked around with this message at 18:37 on Dec 31, 2015 |
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Nov 2, 2015 20:05
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| # ? Apr 29, 2024 08:21 |
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Okay, so. Oddly enough, the best part of this story was when the least stuff was happening. Robert felt like a fairly fleshed out guy, and the writing was pretty decent. I think where it went off the rails for me was when the horror stuff started. I have a bunch of questions: If the lawyer knew he was delivering something terrible, why didn't he just burn it himself? Did Robert's dad die like Robert did? If not, why was he able to resist the whole gruesome transformation thing? What was Candace's motivation, aside from reacting to things Robert did? What is this Lovecraftian evil trying to accomplish? Does it eat the people it corrupts? How does all this gruesome stuff benefit the "stars", or whatever? What are your characters like outside of the confines of this story? That's just some stuff that popped into my head as I was reading. I feel like as soon as Robert goes up the mountain, the story becomes this long series of actions without any flavor or texture. I don't have any sense of who these people are, so it's kind of hard to care about the horror they're experiencing. I think the pacing is fine, and the action is mostly clear, but other than the beginning, there is almost no characterization. I am no horror expert, but IMO good horror takes comfortable, everyday things and juxtaposes them with the corrupt or unthinkable. What did your characters WANT before evil came knocking? The sequence where Robert is just chilling and stinking up the house was the most perplexing. I guess the point is to show, from Candace's perspective, that he's undergoing a transformation. But it was a lot of Candace being horrified and reacting to things. Basically, I think you have the bones of a decent story here, but you need more meat. You need your characters to be actual people. Otherwise there's kind of this generic, made-for-TV horror feeling and I can tell that's not what you want. Like I said, there is a shift after Robert gets the map from the lawyer. That part had glimmerings of character and well-observed details. Hone in on whatever you were doing there and spread it out through the whole piece.
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Nov 3, 2015 04:20
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Thanks! I had a feeling that I'd focused too much on the "What's happening" and lost track of the characters. This gave me a lot to think about going into prep for the next round of revisions. Again, thanks a lot. Sometimes I have a hard time getting decent feedback, and this is very helpful.
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Nov 3, 2015 19:02
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I started reading this in bed while surfing the net on my phone trying to fall asleep and the story really gripped me anyway. Vivid, good pace, few wasted words. Got to the mountain part really enthralled and wanting to know where/what the map lead to but I ate a lot of seafood and rice tonight which has now caught up to me and I got the itis so I need to sleep now. Good stuff Guiness.
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Nov 7, 2015 08:21
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