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sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









THE LONG WALK

26: Behind Our Struggles May There Be Found Our Struggles!



so what's this then this is where you get to do something about writing that novel you've always had inside you and can finally get all the money respect sex nothing you deserve.

sounds cool how does it work round about the first day of every month I put a thread up and you post in it to say how much new writing you're gonna post by 2359 PST on the last day of that month. there might be a little general leeway at the end of the month, but don't count on it and don't ask for extensions.

lol imma post one word 'lol' there I won lol there's a 4k word minimum. you can pledge more if you like, but 4k is the ante.

how many terrible words have been written through this thread and the ones before it? 3,218,000. Some of them might have been good? idk

what happens if I gently caress it up every promise has to have a :toxx: attached. you fail, you get banned.

how should I post my stuff up to you, but a link to a gdoc with comments enabled is best that way you won't restrict your publication options later.

can I do short stories sure. It has to be new words (prose, poetry, limericks) but otherwise you can post whatever as long as you make the wordcount

can I critpost, shitpost, or shart my jorts don't really care, it's not the thunderdome so just follow the exhortations of your clotted goony heart but keep in mind that detailed crits of longform stuff aren't super useful; better to keep them general. normal CC rules apply so be harsh but helpful

is there an irc channel most of us hang out in #thunderdome

where are the previous months 2015 April, May June July, August, September, October , November, December, 2016 January, February, March, April, May
June, July, September, October, November, December, 2017January, February, March, April

who checks i've done it i could just not and say i did lol you need to satisfy me, which isn't a high bar tbh, but I'll probably need to see something, up to you what that is

how long are you gonna do it for forever, i guess? we'll see

writers unite you have nothing correct

Long Walk 26: Behind Our Struggles May There Be Found Our Struggles!
Bad Seafood 31k
flerp 5k
sitting here 5k

RECORD OF THE FALLEN



CHTHONIC BELL/A PAINTED BIRD... DIDN'T MAKE IT (X4)
SPECTRES OF AUTISM/PALE SPECTRES.... DIDN'T MAKE IT (x3)
KILLFAST37... DIDN'T MAKE IT (X2)
REDTONIC... DIDN'T MAKE IT (X2)
KURONA BRIGHT...DIDN'T MAKE IT (X2)
SITTING HERE.... DIDN'T MAKE IT (X2)
GUINNESS13....DIDN'T MAKE IT(X2)
SITTING HERE....DIDN'T MAKE IT (x2)
NO GRAVITAS.... DIDN'T MAKE IT
JITZU THE MONK.... DIDN'T MAKE IT
SURREPTITIOUS MUFFIN.... DIDN'T MAKE IT
SKAANDSCREENPLAYS.... DIDN'T MAKE IT
MORNING BELL... DIDN'T MAKE IT
DR KLOCTOPUSSY... DIDN'T MAKE IT
BOMPACHO... DIDN'T MAKE IT
CRABROCK... DIDN'T MAKE IT
MARTELLO... DIDN'T MAKE IT
THEHOMEMASTER... DIDN'T MAKE IT
JONKED... DIDN'T MAKE IT
ANIME WAS RIGHT... DIDN'T MAKE IT
MAG7.... DIDN'T MAKE IT
IRONIC TWIST.... DIDN'T MAKE IT
TEQUILAJESUS.... DIDN'T MAKE IT
ANOMIEATTHEGATES.... DIDN'T MAKE IT
ANGELOPPORTUNITY.... DIDN'T MAKE IT
FLERP....DIDN'T MAKE IT
NEWTESTLEPER....DIDN'T MAKE IT
IRONIC TWIST.....DIDN'T MAKE IT

sebmojo fucked around with this message at 02:14 on May 15, 2017

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Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010


If you must blink, do it now.
31k, bae.

:toxx:

flerp
Feb 25, 2014
5k not thunderdome :toxx:

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007
finish draft 2 of my short story (it's basically a total rewrite and will probably top out at 4K words)

+

w/e random writing I feel like

=

:toxx: to do 5K words (give or take, depending on how long the rewrite turns out)

wading back in slowly

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


this one was started at 592 words so 1484 new words





overall 5156 total words

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007

Sitting Here posted:

finish draft 2 of my short story (it's basically a total rewrite and will probably top out at 4K words)

+

w/e random writing I feel like

=

:toxx: to do 5K words (give or take, depending on how long the rewrite turns out)

wading back in slowly

draft:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/14H1TzBvPZT7iNutZOODculsV8eLTtgfCE-80HRyXgjs/edit?usp=sharing

5806 words, so easily hit my count. Plus I did a couple Thunderdomes, so my actual total for the month is probably more like 7K or 8K

I'm slightly cheating in that I am not happy where the short story ends, in light of my revisions. Like, it could stop where it is, but I don't really want it to, so I'll need to think on that some more. Crits welcome.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010


If you must blink, do it now.
Still writing.

Will post before I go to bed.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









gogogo fidget spinner

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010


If you must blink, do it now.


My fingers hurt, send help.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









Niiiice gj all.

Mrenda
Mar 14, 2012

Sitting Here posted:

Crits welcome.

The nice thing going on here is what I felt was the basic premise of the story. The foreshadowing of the world ending by a series of slow events along with the woman remembering the specific time when her life ended. This balances nicely against her world “really” ending by the finale.

I was searching for something to latch onto or to show through from the story as I read along. Most of what I found was in the contrast between calling them “roaches” and her insisting to herself that they’re still people. The use of the word roaches was enough that it didn’t come across as just colour, instead coloured my opinion of her, and negatively. And for me that’s where the characterisation and world building fell down because I didn’t feel her as fully developed or as full a person as she should be.

For a large part of the story there’s a heft of exposition. Having finished I can see the purpose the introduction serves, but it read as superfluous and generic writing I didn’t realise the story needed until the end, and lacking enough of an immediate point that I might have stopped reading if I encountered this online. The encounter/stand-off/shooting/fleeing comes across as too much story for the point of it all; it’s a big long scene with no up or down, or feeling of push and pull. The ending is so brief and offers no authorial consideration to amount to much (I think this is the story you want to add to.) If this were a more developed story I’d be looking for a coda, but when the beginning falls flat and the ending is terse and abrupt the whole story doesn’t have the flow in storytelling for it to really work for me.

Things I think could work are upping the characterisation, and giving the woman a voice. At the moment she comes across as too generic and everyman. She’s a tabula rasa when the story doesn’t demand enough from the reader as they read to validate any response they might give at the end. I wouldn’t shy away from giving her more opinions, and making her thoughts and interactions stronger and wouldn’t fear it taking from the reader’s views being placed on the situation.

It read easily enough, and the only place I had any issue was when the boy went from standing next to Chance’s boys and appearing next to the girl with the gun, it was a little abrupt and from my reading was the happenstance too much. I did wonder whether it really is her son, but I’m not too sure that’s relevant.

My take on it is the continuing slow death of society/the world. You state outright that the world didn’t “end” abruptly, and contrast it with the abrupt disappearance/death of the son. For me you’re asking questions of when an ending becomes final, and whether effort along the way for betterment can ever be too late given a drawn out end and a drawn out end that may have happened long ago, presuming a start is made.*

I think the real way you can bring this up more is by showing a deeper and more fraught debate from the woman about how she feels about the roaches. Maybe even more visceral, or circular in her thinking. You can tie her in knots, and wrap up some authorial preaching and prognostication in it. If my guess on the theme is appropriate to you then I would maintain that there are less people who are as blind or free of worry from big issues as this piece seemingly makes out, and if they are they will take something entirely different to it from me.

The pacing needs a little work, and for me it was heavy in telling me about the world without making the world interesting, and describing lengthy action for a feeling in the resolution that wasn’t strong enough. The balance for you is putting enough in to make the situation in the world more visceral in thought, and less empty, but keeping it open enough to let a reader push their own views of the world on it.

*Superpowers that allow you to dodge bullets is comic book symbology almost up there with mutants for othering/prejudice.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007

Mrenda posted:

The nice thing going on here is what I felt was the basic premise of the story. The foreshadowing of the world ending by a series of slow events along with the woman remembering the specific time when her life ended. This balances nicely against her world “really” ending by the finale.

I was searching for something to latch onto or to show through from the story as I read along. Most of what I found was in the contrast between calling them “roaches” and her insisting to herself that they’re still people. The use of the word roaches was enough that it didn’t come across as just colour, instead coloured my opinion of her, and negatively. And for me that’s where the characterisation and world building fell down because I didn’t feel her as fully developed or as full a person as she should be.

For a large part of the story there’s a heft of exposition. Having finished I can see the purpose the introduction serves, but it read as superfluous and generic writing I didn’t realise the story needed until the end, and lacking enough of an immediate point that I might have stopped reading if I encountered this online. The encounter/stand-off/shooting/fleeing comes across as too much story for the point of it all; it’s a big long scene with no up or down, or feeling of push and pull. The ending is so brief and offers no authorial consideration to amount to much (I think this is the story you want to add to.) If this were a more developed story I’d be looking for a coda, but when the beginning falls flat and the ending is terse and abrupt the whole story doesn’t have the flow in storytelling for it to really work for me.

Things I think could work are upping the characterisation, and giving the woman a voice. At the moment she comes across as too generic and everyman. She’s a tabula rasa when the story doesn’t demand enough from the reader as they read to validate any response they might give at the end. I wouldn’t shy away from giving her more opinions, and making her thoughts and interactions stronger and wouldn’t fear it taking from the reader’s views being placed on the situation.

It read easily enough, and the only place I had any issue was when the boy went from standing next to Chance’s boys and appearing next to the girl with the gun, it was a little abrupt and from my reading was the happenstance too much. I did wonder whether it really is her son, but I’m not too sure that’s relevant.

My take on it is the continuing slow death of society/the world. You state outright that the world didn’t “end” abruptly, and contrast it with the abrupt disappearance/death of the son. For me you’re asking questions of when an ending becomes final, and whether effort along the way for betterment can ever be too late given a drawn out end and a drawn out end that may have happened long ago, presuming a start is made.*

I think the real way you can bring this up more is by showing a deeper and more fraught debate from the woman about how she feels about the roaches. Maybe even more visceral, or circular in her thinking. You can tie her in knots, and wrap up some authorial preaching and prognostication in it. If my guess on the theme is appropriate to you then I would maintain that there are less people who are as blind or free of worry from big issues as this piece seemingly makes out, and if they are they will take something entirely different to it from me.

The pacing needs a little work, and for me it was heavy in telling me about the world without making the world interesting, and describing lengthy action for a feeling in the resolution that wasn’t strong enough. The balance for you is putting enough in to make the situation in the world more visceral in thought, and less empty, but keeping it open enough to let a reader push their own views of the world on it.

*Superpowers that allow you to dodge bullets is comic book symbology almost up there with mutants for othering/prejudice.

This is a really good crit and I know what i'll be doing with my June!

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









Mrenda posted:

The nice thing going on here is what I felt was the basic premise of the story. The foreshadowing of the world ending by a series of slow events along with the woman remembering the specific time when her life ended. This balances nicely against her world “really” ending by the finale.

I was searching for something to latch onto or to show through from the story as I read along. Most of what I found was in the contrast between calling them “roaches” and her insisting to herself that they’re still people. The use of the word roaches was enough that it didn’t come across as just colour, instead coloured my opinion of her, and negatively. And for me that’s where the characterisation and world building fell down because I didn’t feel her as fully developed or as full a person as she should be.

For a large part of the story there’s a heft of exposition. Having finished I can see the purpose the introduction serves, but it read as superfluous and generic writing I didn’t realise the story needed until the end, and lacking enough of an immediate point that I might have stopped reading if I encountered this online. The encounter/stand-off/shooting/fleeing comes across as too much story for the point of it all; it’s a big long scene with no up or down, or feeling of push and pull. The ending is so brief and offers no authorial consideration to amount to much (I think this is the story you want to add to.) If this were a more developed story I’d be looking for a coda, but when the beginning falls flat and the ending is terse and abrupt the whole story doesn’t have the flow in storytelling for it to really work for me.

Things I think could work are upping the characterisation, and giving the woman a voice. At the moment she comes across as too generic and everyman. She’s a tabula rasa when the story doesn’t demand enough from the reader as they read to validate any response they might give at the end. I wouldn’t shy away from giving her more opinions, and making her thoughts and interactions stronger and wouldn’t fear it taking from the reader’s views being placed on the situation.

It read easily enough, and the only place I had any issue was when the boy went from standing next to Chance’s boys and appearing next to the girl with the gun, it was a little abrupt and from my reading was the happenstance too much. I did wonder whether it really is her son, but I’m not too sure that’s relevant.

My take on it is the continuing slow death of society/the world. You state outright that the world didn’t “end” abruptly, and contrast it with the abrupt disappearance/death of the son. For me you’re asking questions of when an ending becomes final, and whether effort along the way for betterment can ever be too late given a drawn out end and a drawn out end that may have happened long ago, presuming a start is made.*

I think the real way you can bring this up more is by showing a deeper and more fraught debate from the woman about how she feels about the roaches. Maybe even more visceral, or circular in her thinking. You can tie her in knots, and wrap up some authorial preaching and prognostication in it. If my guess on the theme is appropriate to you then I would maintain that there are less people who are as blind or free of worry from big issues as this piece seemingly makes out, and if they are they will take something entirely different to it from me.

The pacing needs a little work, and for me it was heavy in telling me about the world without making the world interesting, and describing lengthy action for a feeling in the resolution that wasn’t strong enough. The balance for you is putting enough in to make the situation in the world more visceral in thought, and less empty, but keeping it open enough to let a reader push their own views of the world on it.

*Superpowers that allow you to dodge bullets is comic book symbology almost up there with mutants for othering/prejudice.

Thanks Mrenda :)

New thread going up in ten min or so, wanna jump in this month?

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sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









NEW THREAD SMELL OVER THIS WAY =>

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