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tao of lmao

*recites incantation from the Micronecronomicon*

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cda

by Hand Knit
buying human knuckles on Etsy

tao of lmao

We're pleased to announce our new line of undead: Artisan Zombies. Made in the old style, each corpse is aged in bourbon barrels for smoky flavor and hints of whiskey, while keeping the mouthfeel of undead abomination in center-focus on the palate.

Necromancyadvocate.net's Eldritch Bros gave it a 8.3 out of ten but we feel within the next few batches we can get that up to a nine.

vanisher

Are these flying skulls humanely sourced?

Oh yes they are all human

Excellent

Scroon

Are these undead shamblers free-range?

Impkins Patootie





humblebrags about having a first edition scroll of Mordenkainen's Magnificent Manson

#blessed

*snaps fingers at rest of squad that its time to roll out and walk slowly down Bedford Ave as Everyone by Van Morrison plays*

byob historian

I'm an animal abusing piece of shit! I deliberately poisoned my dog to death and think it's funny! I'm an irredeemable sack of human shit!
no i only bring my ancestors back from the dead buddy :colbert:

Scroon

My skeletons are locally sourced from a nearby artisanal bonelord who turned his midtown loft into an urban sepulchre.

Rigged Death Trap

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Coming out with this new and quite obscure brew, its a chinese style Jiang-shi

Its very hops forward.

Pot Smoke Phoenix



Smoke 'em if you gottem!
Samuel Adams-This entry, famous for it's beer, has outdone itself by introducing actual pieces of thier namesake and one of the founding fathers of the United States, Samuel Adams. Each selection is unique, being carefully selected by hand and packaged discreetly in an unmarked, non-transparent envelope. What could it be? It doesn't matter!

When asked about how he got the goods in the first place Jim Koch, President of Samuel Adams Brewing and OtherCraft, said the secret to obtaining Samuel Adams' remains was surprisingly easy; "All I needed really was a little research and a shovel". Indeed!

Blue Nun- Blue Nun necromantic crafting components are unique in that they give off a soothing blue glow that refreshes and rejuvenates. They also pretty well fall over the line with regards to sacrilege so much so as to incur the wrath of God immediately upon receipt, so be sure to wear a Faraday-approved line of lightning arrestment before accepting a package from them.

Kirin Beer Let's face it, there's no guiltier pleasure than drinking a beer named after the mythical unicorn, except perhaps having an actual part of a unicorn! What part will YOU get? Everyone wants a horn! Perhaps it will be you

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
Sig elements by Manifisto and Heather Papps
Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

DragQueenofAngmar

You shall not pass!
*splutters in rage when i discover my fellow necromancer's skeleton slave army was raised from formerly living actual slaves*

DragQueenofAngmar

You shall not pass!
yalls undead bone men better be ethically sourced or im gonna get ALL up in your poo poo on twizzard is what im saying

Manifisto


Darkman Fanpage
i found a neat trick where if you kill like 200 mice and then necromance their corpses you pretty nuch got the approximate organic mass of the average adult human. pretty good way to get around the whole "not allowed to kill people to practice your dark arts" bullshit

Senior Management



One day this thread will be long forgotten on the final page of BYOB. And then it will happen. Behold the artisanal thread necromancy. For years I have honed my craft. The key is to bump threads from a long time ago. The less relevance they have the better.

:jerry:

Kthulhu5000

by R. Guyovich
mellified man made from organic, local humane harvest honey and the corpse of a Zoroastrian who loved vintage Nike sneakers, Queen, and posing around on Portland street corners.

read the back of the obsidian jar, by the way. there's a punchline, written by the Zoroastrian: "a vaporwave Dalmatian". the joke is entirely up to you.

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Darkman Fanpage
i have a bumper sticker that says "YES, I am a necromancer. NO, I will not bring back your grandparents".

Impkins Patootie





Darkman Fanpage posted:

i have a bumper sticker that says "YES, I am a necromancer. NO, I will not bring back your grandparents".

this u??

poverty goat



used to be you had to pay good money to import a decent hops golem from the west coast but now you can find them on every corner and they're all pretty much interchangeable

Android Blues

Rigged Death Trap posted:

Coming out with this new and quite obscure brew, its a chinese style Jiang-shi

Its very hops forward.

Plebian Parasite

The key to my fresh ingredients is that i murder every prospective customer. While this has hurt word-of-mouth, it has helped maintain that air of exclusivity that I wanted.

Darkman Fanpage

i dont have a mohawk

Decon


We proudly display the International Rottedness Units (IRUs) on all our zombie's packaging, and boast the highest in the region. Some people say that so many craft zombies being over 40 IRUs is ruining craft zombies, and that the zombies that rotted are useless and indistinguishable from each other; we don't care what they say because we say they're not true zombie fans unless they can appreciate a properly rotted zombie.

Android Blues

I'm doing a pop-up sepulchre in Ravengarth on the coming eve of Tandle when the moors shall whisper with the visits of ghosts. Would really appreciate it if any clerics, wizards, gladiators could show up to kind of quell my zombies and maybe give the place some buzz. Loot for guests provided, will be at the centre of my horrid maze (ask the doorman).

Android Blues

A ghost? No. This is an ectoplasm jus, finely savoured with raspberry air. Mimic? Nope. That's a hand-carved bed chest with Potomac stylings and several rows of long, serrated, authentic teeth. Good for storing blankets, eiderdowns, sprigs of heather maybe. Just whatever you feel would be cool in there. Priceless jewels? Christ, what is this, 2005? *all the other necromancers laugh and the novitiate feels really embarrassed*

Android Blues

*summons a banshee, it starts singing Annie Lennox* i love the album that's just three different takes on the same sooong, i cackle, zapping the adventurer with my ivory-bespiralled energy rod

Android Blues

*a man dressed in a white sheet and white face paint emerges from a hidden recess in the stone and starts doing little spiralling dances with a neutral look on his face* i'm really into post-modern hauntings now, i holler from behind him, zapping the adventurer with my energy rod

Android Blues

my energy rod slides out of its horse leather sheathe and i whisper something in French before zapping the adventurer with it. "the real haunting," i whisper, "was the cool rear end melancholy of me saying a foreign word before i iced you". the bard i keep in a cage starts doing a Madonna cover on his lute

Android Blues

i go to the graveyard to raise zombies. i only raise the ones that have no flowers on their graves because i want to be responsible about re-homing.

Android Blues

i kiss and caress my energy rod. "i'm over zapping," i say, with a languid look at the adventurer who is stabbing me. "i think this is a more challenging thing to do with it. i'm sort of questioning the phallosymbolism of the zapping rod i use to slay my foes before turning them into my thralls? you know? anyway, make sure to give the gold you take from my foetid crypt to local causes."

Android Blues

i inspect my robe from high school with RAISE DEAD written across the back in rhinestones. i switch them around using Mordo's Vertex of Affixation until they read RAISE THE SUBJECT OF RACISM WHEN BREWING THE STINKING POTION THAT WILL INCULCATE YOUR THRALLS WITH THE DESIRE FOR FLESH. i nod. i'm a responsible necromancer.

Android Blues

necromancers are yonic, i say to my kids, teaching at the Y. my pointer for the whiteboard is a severed fingerbone, long, like from someone with Marfan's syndrome maybe. i got it at the flea market i think. anyway i tell them about how necromancers live in caves and reap sweetbreads from the soil and it's all pretty anti-phallic. i'm really making a difference in these classes. when i was a teen it was all sun-pocked demiliches boasting about the size of their one remaining thighbone.

DragQueenofAngmar

You shall not pass!

Android Blues posted:

my energy rod slides out of its horse leather sheathe and i whisper something in French before zapping the adventurer with it. "the real haunting," i whisper, "was the cool rear end melancholy of me saying a foreign word before i iced you". the bard i keep in a cage starts doing a Madonna cover on his lute

HotSoapyBeard

I'm a really cool nice dad
HAIKOOLIGAN
Necro 1: "So I see you're casting "raise undead", yeah that's alright I guess for a mainstream spell. You probably haven't heard of it but what I do is I brew up some pour-over bonemeal and..."
Necro 2: " Oh yeah I like pour-over bonemeal"
Necro 1: "oh... well yeah as I was saying it's not that great."

tao of lmao

good lord someone check that android I think it's on fire.

Meeksha

i did it all for the nookie
Ask me how!
-freb dust
what is your name??
hugh
hugh what??
huggggggghghghghgh
are you sexually harassing me?? THIS ZOMBIE IS SEXUALLY HARASSING ME

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come on and slam and welcome to the jam

Thank you Heather Papps for the summer sig!

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Meeksha

i did it all for the nookie
Ask me how!
-freb dust
witch bitch: PUH! so he was like do you like vampire weekend? so i was like, listen you mainstream tool. one more comment like that and you can FORGET about me sucking your soul. PUH!!

-----


come on and slam and welcome to the jam

Thank you Heather Papps for the summer sig!

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