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I once had a girlfriend who sent me a short clip of herself mouthing some of words to Can I Steal a Little Love, and I thought it was super sweet, but I feel like I would never come up with that sort of thing. However, I want to be the kind of person who DOES come up with and do that sort of thing. Another thing that really shocked me (in an incredibly good and warm way) was that she sent me a slideshow of pictures and short video clips of us together, set to Sunday Candy, specifically these lyrics: "You gotta move it slowly Take and eat my body like it's holy I've been waiting for you for the whole week I've been praying for you, you're my Sunday candy" I mean, jesus christ. I melted. I wanted to cry (and actually did, a little bit). How the hell do I become the sort of person who is this considerate and does such sweet things? This is something I really liked about her and would like to make a part of myself. She also felt like I never did anything to show her that I loved her besides just tell her that I loved her and do the occasional favors that any non-romantic friend or roommate might do, like picking up her food on the way home when she was sick or something. So I also feel like I'm lacking something sweet and considerate for future relationships. oliveoil fucked around with this message at 19:07 on Sep 29, 2017 |
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Sep 29, 2017 19:04
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There's not just a single way to express love. Apparently, there are exactly five. 
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Sep 29, 2017 19:41
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Yes. And I think the examples I gave would be considered showing your love through action. But it seems like there are so many ways to do that, and I would never in a million years have thought to do what she did for me. How do I become more creative or more inspired here?
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Sep 30, 2017 07:29
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Wouldn't your love and feelings for a person be the inspiration itself? You can't just pull inspiration and feelings out of thin air. My wife and I don't make some continued effort to make grand gestures but we do the small things. I'll slip a note in her purse to tell her I love her or to give her strength if I know she's going to have a tough day. She tries new things that she knows I'm interested in. I love pickles but she hates them. That didn't stop her from making 5 jars a few weeks ago. So just think about your partner and what they might like or need from day to day. If you're incapable of doing that you're either not in love or you have a really hard time thinking about other people. I have no talent artistically so I will never create a great song in her honor or draw her a picture. She won't do that for me either because she can't. She can make pickles and I can write notes.
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Sep 30, 2017 18:56
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You really have to play to your own personal strengths. The people who appear to be able to pull little affections out of thin air tend to either be deep thinkers (the type that are constantly planning things in their head) or simply impulsive (a thought pops into their head and they follow it to its conclusion), but the real anchoring factor is how it connects to their own areas of expertise. It's no coincidence that both examples you gave had to do with lyrics and music; if I were to guess, would it be accurate to say she has a vested interest in music? It wouldn't be unlikely if she just so happened to be listening to or thinking about those songs and the idea to apply them to your relationship popped into her head. The execution naturally follows. So find something that you have a knack for and use that as your starting point. Movie buff? Make one of those fake-subtitled movie scene parodies that're so popular these days. Good cook? Make a special meal. Good with your hands? Make something special for her. Writer? Lay down a little prose on a piece of paper and slip it into her pocket for her to find later. If you can find an area of interest that you both overlap in strongly even better. Lastly, you have to realize that even if it seems like little acts of affection are effortless extensions of especially loving people this simply isn't the case; even for small things there is some amount of effort and time being invested. Just like any other skill you have to start by thinking about it actively before it becomes second nature, so you must be willing to commit the necessary though and energy to making these things happen.
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Sep 30, 2017 19:15
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Yikes. I feel like my only real interests are videogames, programming, and posting on Internet forums, which don't really translate well into actions of love, especially for people who don't care about those things. I guess going more into my partner's interests would be a good approach, then. E.g., if they like whiskey, buy then something nice out of the blue? You can't buy someone a bottle of whiskey every week, though, which seems like it makes it hard to do something every week, which sorry of seems like the minimum necessary frequency for this sort of thing?
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Sep 30, 2017 21:04
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oliveoil posted:Yikes. I feel like my only real interests are videogames, programming, and posting on Internet forums, which don't really translate well into actions of love, especially for people who don't care about those things. I guess going more into my partner's interests would be a good approach, then. E.g., if they like whiskey, buy then something nice out of the blue? You can't buy someone a bottle of whiskey every week, though, which seems like it makes it hard to do something every week, which sorry of seems like the minimum necessary frequency for this sort of thing? One would hope they have interests beyond one single thing. You can also do things that are new to you and outside your own interests, something you've never done before at all, like learning to bake cookies just to give them as a surprise. Make a drawing of the two of you, can't draw? = even better.
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Oct 1, 2017 10:35
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oliveoil posted:Yikes. I feel like my only real interests are videogames, programming, and posting on Internet forums, which don't really translate well into actions of love, especially for people who don't care about those things. I guess going more into my partner's interests would be a good approach, then. E.g., if they like whiskey, buy then something nice out of the blue? You can't buy someone a bottle of whiskey every week, though, which seems like it makes it hard to do something every week, which sorry of seems like the minimum necessary frequency for this sort of thing? Perhaps not but I think that's on the right track. Just stuff like throwing a package of her favorite candy on the cart when you're out for groceries or picking her favorite meal when it's or your turn to cook are easy ways to show she's in your thoughts even when you're not together. Also. employ those active listening skills. Make a mental note every time she says something like "I wish I had...." or "I wish I could...." and see if you can make it happen for her. I guarantee she'll think you're a goddamn wizard.
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Oct 7, 2017 06:39
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Jacobus Spades posted:Also. employ those active listening skills. Make a mental note every time she says something like "I wish I had...." or "I wish I could...." and see if you can make it happen for her. I guarantee she'll think you're a goddamn wizard. In my family, a woman starting a sentence with "I wish..." is actually a direct order, to which you are expected to respond with "Yes, ma'am!" But we're Italian, so... I, too, struggle with how to do nice things for people. It backfire sometimes, and doing something nice for someone makes them kinda happy, and trying and failing makes them WAY MAD, yo. I got my girlfriend a bad present a couple years ago, and she was pissed for days. (Me and my father are both very bad at presents. I only realized my father was bad at it on my most recent birthday, when he gave me an end table, a secondhand knife, and five pounds of pork loin.)
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Oct 8, 2017 04:24
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Tell her that you want to find some way to be mushy and romantic at her but you have no idea how to do it. This, by itself, is likely to make her happy, and then she will give you suggestions, and you should do those suggestions. You are *massively* overthinking this. Think about the things that you described as melting your heart in your posts. They were really quite simple, silly things that didn't take a lot of thought. They weren't herculean efforts and they weren't clever. You talk about what your interests are when talking about this. What are her interests? John Lee posted:
These are great gifts you ungrateful little poo poo 
empty whippet box fucked around with this message at 06:36 on Oct 8, 2017 |
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Oct 8, 2017 06:33
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oliveoil posted:Yikes. I feel like my only real interests are videogames, programming, and posting on Internet forums, which don't really translate well into actions of love, especially for people who don't care about those things. I guess going more into my partner's interests would be a good approach, then. E.g., if they like whiskey, buy then something nice out of the blue? You can't buy someone a bottle of whiskey every week, though, which seems like it makes it hard to do something every week, which sorry of seems like the minimum necessary frequency for this sort of thing? My interests are more varied but just as difficult as yours. That said, I get up and make my lunch every morning. If I came in to the kitchen one day and opened the fridge and found my lunchbox already in there, packed and ready to go, I would have 5 extra minutes that morning and I would be so excited I wouldn't know what to do with myself. You are confusing Christmas (a $50 bottle of whiskey) and daily/weekly gifts (which can be much smaller) (or free). What's their favorite starbucks drink? Favorite food? Obscure candy? It's more an ongoing act of listening than it is a one-time act of buying something.
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Oct 8, 2017 07:49
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I like to do small things like pick up some of my gfs favorite candy or berries while out getting groceries or running errands. I think food is an easy and reliable good small thing to do because who doesn't like food. It might not seem as ~romantic~ as the stuff you see in media, but I think ultimately what matters is that you show that they're in your thoughts
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Oct 8, 2017 12:18
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Yeah, it doesn't have to be all grand gestures or anything, especially if you live together. The little things that make the other person feel appreciated are important. I like having the bed made, but I wake up before my boyfriend does so I'm not home to make it. He knows I like the bed made even though he doesn't, so he'll make the bed for me on most days. We try to make sure that we're taking proper turns with the regular chores, and we thank each other for doing those (even when it's the other person's "turn"). For bigger things, if you do something you genuinely love and tailor it to their interests, it can be very special. I love crafting, so I make things for my boyfriend that he's mentioned wanting. He runs our D&D campaign, and he'll create situations for the group with elements I've mentioned would be cool in passing. You said you can program- can you make something for her to interact with? That is something that you're good at and could easily be tailored to stuff she likes.
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Oct 8, 2017 13:56
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You're massively overthinking this OP all you gotta do is whenever you randomly happen to think about someone while you're at work or the grocery store or whatever text them and say so immediately Congratulations you're a sex god
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Oct 8, 2017 15:37
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Is there a restaurant you know she likes, that's maybe a little fancier/mire expensive than a casual "what's for dinner tonight"? Place? Make a reservation. Take her to see that movie she wants to see that you're not really interested in- or surprise her with tickets/movie theatre gift card and say "I know you wanted to see this, so take (friend) on me". Flowers, for no reason. Doesn't have to be big/fancy, just a little something on the table when she gets home- or a little arrangement sent to her work (or a box of her favorite cookies- gift her something to share with the coworkers). Get up early and make pancakes on the weekend- or just a cup of coffee on the weekdays before work. Lots of little things. 
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Oct 9, 2017 02:18
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Zaftig posted:You said you can program- can you make something for her to interact with? That is something that you're good at and could easily be tailored to stuff she likes.
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Oct 9, 2017 05:13
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empty whippet box posted:
Fine, then two years ago he got me a used and rusty caulking gun, then asked for it back almost a year later.
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Oct 9, 2017 09:55
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once, years and years ago, I was outside my office building smoking, and a coworker was walking up to go in. She was carrying a bouquet of flowers, and I asked if it was her birthday or something. She said, "No, My husband gives me flowers every Monday morning, so I can have fresh flowers on my desk all week." and I was like, "That's the coolest smoothest thing I ever heard." so maybe try that.
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Oct 10, 2017 03:56
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You could start off by reading this, maybe? It can allow you to take a more critical approach. Does your certain somebody like quality time? Look for ways to lighten their schedule. Get the groceries after work or something. Don't know what you need to get? Ask.
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Oct 10, 2017 04:10
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You gotta eat the rear end. Like it was groceries.
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Oct 20, 2017 15:41
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Do more chores. Men always do less than women. Lighten her workload. Do things you don't want to do.
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Oct 25, 2017 21:28
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oliveoil posted:Yikes. I feel like my only real interests are videogames, programming, and posting on Internet forums, which don't really translate well into actions of love, especially for people who don't care about those things. I guess going more into my partner's interests would be a good approach, then. E.g., if they like whiskey, buy then something nice out of the blue? You can't buy someone a bottle of whiskey every week, though, which seems like it makes it hard to do something every week, which sorry of seems like the minimum necessary frequency for this sort of thing? are you autistic? if so your partner probably already knows and doesn't expect much.
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Oct 26, 2017 03:42
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lllllllllllllllllll posted:Lighten her workload. Do things you don't want to do. if I could blow myself I wouldn't need her
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Oct 26, 2017 06:48
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lllllllllllllllllll posted:Do more chores. Men always do less than women. Lighten her workload. Do things you don't want to do. Someone tell my wife, who hasn't touched a sink of dishes or a load of laundry in a year this. I just leave the wash in a pile on her pillow now because when I fold it for her she barely puts it away
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Oct 26, 2017 13:09
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lllllllllllllllllll posted:Do more chores. Men always do less than women. Lighten her workload. Do things you don't want to do. Or alternatively, want to do them because it will make her life easier.
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Oct 26, 2017 19:41
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oliveoil posted:Yes. And I think the examples I gave would be considered showing your love through action. But it seems like there are so many ways to do that, and I would never in a million years have thought to do what she did for me. How do I become more creative or more inspired here? I wouldn't really consider that an act of service. An act of service is more along the lines of putting yourself out there to help her or her friends. Literally "offering your services". Yours sounds a lot more like WOA with some extra steps. For example: A couple weekends ago my girlfriend asked me some questions regarding a dinner she wanted to throw for her friends. She's terrible at cooking (by her own admission) and so I offered my advice and service, since I was a chef. I helped her pick out ingredients, and took care of all of the cooking. She was immensely appreciative, it saved her hours of time (she cleaned and decorated and paid for everything), and ultimately I didn't do it for anyone but her and her friend's benefit. You can consider an act of service like being there for the other person in their time of need. Not only that, but doing it enthusiastically. Don't say "well, I guess I can help..." but instead say "let me do the cooking! It'll be fun" AOS is one of the five languages that I felt I need to work on, personally. I'm good at WOA, PT, and QT, but I'm weak at AOS and gifts. I told myself "this time I want things to be different" and, thankfully, my current partner is very receptive to that kind of stuff. Now she knows she can not only trust me, but count on me to make the time and the effort to do it. Make the time to be there in her moment of need.
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Oct 26, 2017 20:31
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ladron posted:if I could blow myself I wouldn't need her Go on...
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Oct 29, 2017 18:28
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504 posted:Go on... Perhaps you should visit my patreon
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Oct 30, 2017 05:18
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One thing I've done in the past is set up a scavenger hunt. Get her a small gift - it doesn't need to be much - and hide it. Then a set of notes describing shared experiences, things she likes, whatever to help her find it. I've done this in a one bedroom apartment with great success, to using an entire neighborhood. It'll take a bit of time to set up but putting that smile on her face is worth it.
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Nov 1, 2017 09:50
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Every so often, my husband sneaks candy into my lunch bag. It makes my whole day. It's not that it's a big gift, it's that he was thinking of something that would make me happy. That's the kind of stuff you need to do.
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Nov 4, 2017 15:15
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Elephunk posted:Someone tell my wife, who hasn't touched a sink of dishes or a load of laundry in a year this. I just leave the wash in a pile on her pillow now because when I fold it for her she barely puts it away Have you talked to her about it? You could be getting to them "first" and she doesn't know it bothers you to do it all.
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Nov 9, 2017 20:08
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Elephunk posted:Someone tell my wife, who hasn't touched a sink of dishes or a load of laundry in a year this. I just leave the wash in a pile on her pillow now because when I fold it for her she barely puts it away tell her what? sounds like she's got it all figured out
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Nov 10, 2017 12:47
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Domus posted:Every so often, my husband sneaks candy into my lunch bag. It makes my whole day. It's not that it's a big gift, it's that he was thinking of something that would make me happy. That's the kind of stuff you need to do. Can confirm. I do this for my husband and he loves it, absolutely loves it. If I were you, op, I’d make her something. A card is a good start— it sounds corny as heck, but it’s delightful to get a handmade card from someone who loves you. You can even draw in stick figures if you have to! Tell her some of the things you love most about her in your card. Once after my husband returned from a long trip away to see sick relatives, I cut out a ton of red paper hearts and stuck them all about the bedroom. They were on the paintings on the walls, the book cases, the side tables, the mirror, the lampshades, the dressers, even the ceiling. Just write I love you on them, I love you or you make me happy or you’re beautiful, whatever you want to say. It’s a way to be sweet to her and let her know she’s loved.
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Nov 14, 2017 09:58
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OP, maybe you can ask yourself what about your girlfriend's gesture resonated with you? What were you responding to? Was it the pure perfection of her lip-syncing, or that she showed you that she was thinking about you? It sounds like you are responding to the thoughtfulness and effort she made, so don't get too hung up on the form of the gesture. Focus on the intent and the feelings. Although I will say, part of what I think makes little gestures like that touching is that when someone puts together a little song, or drawing, or card, they are making themselves a little bit vulnerable to you. Because it's kinda silly, right? And they don't know exactly how it's going to be received, so it's a small risk, especially the first time. One thing I've had success with is, essentially, illustrating or expanding on in-jokes that I have with my SO. My boyfriend introduced me to the TV show Community, we watched it together. In the show, there's a kind of running joke about this restaurant named Skeepers that serves yard long margaritas, and in one scene one character says "Yard-Margs at Skeepers?". We both started using that as a catch-phrase for a while, meaning "Let's go and do something fun". So I took a sheet of paper and different colored highlighters and made a coupon for One Free Yard-Marg at Skeepers, and left it for him to see when he got up. He loved it! And I can assure you it was not because of the artistry involved, I was high on sleep meds and giggling way too hard when I was trying to draw straight lines. It's just a weird little in-joke that probably sounds stupid to most people that read this, but that's OK, because it made my boyfriend light up with happiness that I liked that joke, and remembered it, and shared it with him. You have to be willing to feel a little silly, I think.
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Jan 15, 2018 07:26
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Maybe take her on a little trip. Just get away for a weekend or a day. Take her somewhere she likes or has talked about. In my experience, time together is the best gift a couple can receive.
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Jan 16, 2018 20:09
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You like to post? Buy her an account! It's the gift that keeps on giving.
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Jan 17, 2018 10:38
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Even doing activities around the house that your partner knows you hate. I HATE vacuuming. We have a zoo of animals so my wife vacuums daily, sometimes twice. I will try to beat her to it at least once a week. She gets super excited when she sees that the vacuuming is done or that I am doing it. I don't tell her, "hey I did the vacuuming" and look for a doggie treat. But she always notices and it makes her day. It takes about 20 minutes out of my day to make sure she knows how much I appreciate her. I do things like that 3-4 times a week. Not just vacuuming, but other jobs around the house that she would normally do.
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Jan 19, 2018 23:50
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