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Doctor: Ma'am we've run some tests, and I'm afraid they corroborate the head nurse's visual diagnosis. Your son is bad. Patient's mother: (sobbing) B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bad? Doctor: Yes. It extends all the way to the bone. |
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Oct 1, 2017 21:30
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| # ? May 3, 2024 05:45 |
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I'm sorry sir, your fiancé is not going to make it. Once upon a time she was falling in love, but now she's only falling apart. I'm afraid there's...nothing we can do. Her heart is completely obscured. |
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Oct 1, 2017 21:35
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This is the most severe case of premature ejaculation I've ever seen. Virtually any stimulation, even a cool breeze, is sufficient to cause orgasm. But I've always wanted to take on a case like this; it's the sort of thing that only happens once in a career. Oh lawd. Oh lawd. |
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Oct 1, 2017 21:45
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Doctor: I'm afraid it's bad news. Patient: What.. what is it? Doctor: Is there someone in your life, someone you're emotionally vested in? Patient: Why yes, yes there is... Doctor: Ok well, i'll explain using these visual aids. Later... Patient: Welp, I got the news from the doctor. Patient's S/O: What is it? Tell me! Patient: I've got a bad case of loving you. Doctor just gave me the news. Patient's S/O: Is there something you can take for it? Patient: Nope. There's no pill that would cure my ill. https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Oct 1, 2017 23:57
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I think I know what's causing your constant pseudo-bulbar crying, I just need to ask you one more question to verify: Have you ever caught a rabbit? |
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Oct 2, 2017 00:04
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doctor octogynecologist will cure your moosebumps
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Oct 2, 2017 00:33
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Symptoms: Sweaty palms; weak knees; "heavy" arms; vomit (mother's spaghetti) Test his stool and blood for food poisoning |
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Oct 2, 2017 07:14
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He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood. He's the one that makes ya feel alright.
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Oct 2, 2017 12:32
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Voice over PA system: Paging Dr. Greenthumb!
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Oct 2, 2017 14:00
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google THIS posted:This is the most severe case of premature ejaculation I've ever seen. Virtually any stimulation, even a cool breeze, is sufficient to cause orgasm. But I've always wanted to take on a case like this; it's the sort of thing that only happens once in a career. Oh lawd. Oh lawd. |
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Oct 2, 2017 18:04
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Doctor: What did you do when you got out of jail? Patient: I went and had some fun Doctor: interesting... what do you consider fun? Patient: Fun. natural fun |
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Oct 2, 2017 18:05
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Doctor: I'm afraid your flu has caused a secondary pneumonia, you see one of your boogie woogies aspirated - Patient: uhh you mean like, mucus? like a booger? Doctor, annoyed: yes, one of your boogie woogies aspirated its way into your lung, where it lay like a rock... Patient sighs and leaves room |
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Oct 2, 2017 18:54
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| Well, ma'am, your husband did say he would do anything for love but he won't do that and now you know why. I'm sorry for your loss. | |
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Oct 2, 2017 18:55
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dr: Exit: light Enter: night Take my hand We're off to never never land *switches off life support* ----- |
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Oct 2, 2017 22:22
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*looks a t chart* you;ll be fine, pour some sugar on it
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Oct 3, 2017 00:19
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Me: so how does it look doc? Doctor: *eyes turn pure black as sludge seeps from his lips* let it seep through your sockets and your ears Me: uhh Doctor: into your precious ruptured skull Me: doc, I, uhhh.. Doctor: let it seep let it keep you from us Patiently heal you Patiently unreel you Me: so uhh... Do I need more tests, or...? deep dish peat moss fucked around with this message at 01:47 on Oct 3, 2017 |
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Oct 3, 2017 01:42
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Doc: Just a few more tests *quickly kisses patient on the lips* Yeah, you just don't seem to be closing your eyes when we kiss, at least, not like you used to, and I've noticed *grinds chest on patient's hands* that there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips. You're trying not to show it, but I'm afraid the diagnosis is dire: You've lost that loving feeling.
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Oct 3, 2017 01:54
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Doctor: Where are you feeling pain? Patient: My neck, my back, my p- Doctor: No need to continue, I'll have you fixed up in a lick |
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Oct 3, 2017 02:30
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deep dish peat moss posted:Me: so how does it look doc? Doctor: The operation is fairly routine. We're just going to cut open your sternum and pull your little ribs around me, and I'll wear your lungs like a crown. Patient: I want a second opinion. |
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Oct 3, 2017 10:18
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google THIS posted:Doctor: The operation is fairly routine. We're just going to cut open your sternum and pull your little ribs around me, and I'll wear your lungs like a crown. |
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Oct 3, 2017 13:53
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Doc: I'm going to need to do some exploratory surgery, give me a moment please I'm researching the quickest route. Patient: Is... is that Google Maps? Doc: Yes, that's quite correct, I'm using the traffic alerts to determine the best course of action regarding your current cardiac condition. Patient: I don't understand... Doc: Let me put it to you simply *points at screen showing the start and end destination of a trip* Here's where we are (map shows the doctor's office) and here is where we want to be (points at the destination) Patient: But- that's my heart! Why are we going to my heart? Doc: That's the expressway to your heart. I chose that route because it's the best way, to your heart Patient: Best way? Doc: *nods* the Expressway. https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Oct 3, 2017 14:22
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Splatmaster posted:Doc: I'm going to need to do some exploratory surgery, give me a moment please I'm researching the quickest route. |
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Oct 3, 2017 15:17
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Patient: (gasping) Can't breathe…suffocating… Doctor: OK, try to calm down. Sir, do you realize that you've cut your arm bleeding? Patient: I don't (wheezes) give a gently caress! Doctor: Nurse, prep the OR for emergency surgery. His life has been cut into pieces. This is his last resort. google THIS fucked around with this message at 22:55 on Oct 3, 2017 |
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Oct 3, 2017 22:52
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Doctor testing pressure points: can you feel that? Patient: Ooooowaaahahah Doctor: looks like you're down with the sickness Ride The Gravitron fucked around with this message at 02:31 on Oct 4, 2017 |
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Oct 4, 2017 01:42
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Patient: I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. Doctor: Diagnosis: depression. Have some Lexapro, I'm off to play nine holes. |
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Oct 4, 2017 01:53
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Doctor's Notes Pt. Adult Male, crawled into ambulance, weak pulse Pt. complained of "nursery mouth". neg. lungs -Bellevue contacted, oxygen on standby; surgeon says, "it's too late". -Patient was denied request to refund his money, I stated "I don't want it anymore", patient visibly distressed. Patient's residence had evidence of doors being rammed. All windows were broken. Many notes strewn around the residence were written "I came for you". |
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Oct 4, 2017 02:16
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Drink-Mix Man posted:Patient: I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. |
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Oct 4, 2017 02:31
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Dear Mr Lester, I regret to inform you that I can no longer continue having you as a patient in my practice. It has become impossible to maintain a level of professionalism that is required of a patient-doctor relationship, and your constant insistence that your symptoms indicate, in your words, a "bad case of loving you" has lead to an environment that I can no longer accept in my office and an inability to successfully treat your rickets. I wish you the best in finding another physician, Sincerely, Dr Songlyric |
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Oct 4, 2017 03:06
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Dr. Songlyric enters the worn-out room. The patient's bed is surrounded by his friends and family whose dour expressions match the room perfectly. Dr. "It's 5.30 AM. Time for your diagnostics" The doctor helps the patient out of bed and onto one of two treadmills. The Doctor takes the other. Patient "I don't understand why I have to do this" The two begin running as fast as they can and within a couple of minutes it becomes clear the sickly man can never hope to outpace the Doctor. The Patient's friends and family begin weeping into the complimentary glasses of water they have been given, remaining expressionless as they do so. Admitting defeat the patient climbs back into bed of his own volition and pulls the covers over his head. The Doctor finally speaks. Dr. "Your chronic alcoholism is terminal. I give you less than 24 hours" |
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Oct 4, 2017 23:10
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Dr. Kobain: I'm sorry, John... it's cancer. Me: Oh, no! Dr. Kobain: And I'm afraid it's metastasized to your lungs. Me: Oh dear God, no! Dr. Kobain: Yeah, I know, sucks. So... you gonna eat that? |
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Oct 5, 2017 00:45
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Modrasone posted:Dr. Songlyric enters the worn-out room. The patient's bed is surrounded by his friends and family whose dour expressions match the room perfectly. it took me a good 10 minutes to cipher this one out but holy poo poo 
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Oct 5, 2017 02:09
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google THIS posted:it took me a good 10 minutes to cipher this one out but holy poo poo Please help me understand that one |
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Oct 5, 2017 03:46
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Ride The Gravitron posted:Please help me understand that one "and I think it's kinda funny . . I think it's kinda sad" |
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Oct 5, 2017 19:20
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Doctor: All right, ladies and gentlemen. This patient has the worst case of pencil-sketch animation we've ever seen. Without treatment he'll be gone in 24 hours, 48 tops. But we are going to take him on. Nurse: Doctor, shouldn't you be putting on your mask and gloves? Doctor: It's no better to be safe than sorry. Nurse: A-ha. |
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Oct 7, 2017 19:04
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| # ? May 3, 2024 05:45 |
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His level of skill performing this operation... so smooth. |
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Oct 7, 2017 21:22
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