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"Your glory walks hand in hand with your doom!" -my highschool guidance counselor "You can't handle the truth!" -my therapist after a few sessions "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you" -my wife, when I asked her to marry me "A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you *stand, Men of the West!*" -the clerk at the customer service desk when I asked if I could return something |
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Dec 26, 2017 02:06
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"I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and would blow your head clean off, you've gotta ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk?" - my dad, when serving a selection of hot to extremely-hot sauces in identical unmarked bowls
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Dec 26, 2017 02:37
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 my brother calling me when I'm out checking every RedBox in the city for a copy of Cube 2: Hypercube |
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Dec 26, 2017 03:46
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Luke, I am your father. -My dad, to my brother, Luke.
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Dec 26, 2017 04:01
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Plebian Parasite posted:Luke, I am your father.
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Dec 26, 2017 04:09
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what's in the box? what's in the loving box?? -me, excitedly, to mime |
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Dec 26, 2017 04:55
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"We're going to need a bigger boat." -me realising i made way too much gravy for thanksgiving. |
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Dec 26, 2017 06:13
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"It's just a giant pile of fucken cunts" https://www.somethingawful.com ---------------- |
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Dec 26, 2017 07:03
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"Nobody fucks with the Jesus!" - A crazy yelling curbside evangelist. "That's just like, your opinion, man." - Me, in response.
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Dec 26, 2017 07:59
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Twenty Four posted:"Nobody fucks with the Jesus!" https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Dec 26, 2017 14:14
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funmanguy posted:"We're going to need a bigger boat."
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Dec 26, 2017 15:15
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”Say hello to my little friend” -When I brought a puppy back from the rescue shelter |
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Dec 26, 2017 16:45
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"You did everything to make this private war happen. You've done enough damage. This mission is over, Rambo. Do you understand me? This mission is over! Look at them out there! Look at them! If you won't end this now, they will kill you. Is that what you want? It's over Johnny. It's over!" -A cop pleading with me to end my one man protest against Burger King for raising the price of the whopper by 50 cents.
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Dec 26, 2017 19:02
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"I'm not even supposed to be here today" -My second cousin's boyfriend 3 hours into my first cousin's wedding rehearsal that was going very poorly ---------------- |
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Dec 26, 2017 19:04
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"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing." -My driver's ed instructor before we headed out onto the road "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious." -My 4th Grade teacher, to my parents on Parent Teacher night regarding my elementary school "Want to know how I got these scars? My father was a drinker and a fiend. And one night, he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not one bit. So, me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. He turns to me, and he says: 'Why so serious?' He comes at me with the knife - 'Why so serious?!' He sticks the blade in my mouth. 'Let's put a smile on that face!' And why so serious?" -my high school cafeteria lunch lady https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Dec 26, 2017 22:34
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"Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say YES!" -Frustrated director of a Thor fan film I'm acting in, in response to me loving up a line |
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Dec 28, 2017 00:32
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Manifisto posted:what's in the box? what's in the loving box?? Haha |
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Dec 28, 2017 02:33
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"I'm sick and tired of these motherfucking snakes, on this mother loving plane" -my friend Nate in 2006, remember when that was like the zeitgeist for a hot minute? ---------------- |
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Dec 28, 2017 05:05
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"Hey, I'm walking here" -me, showing my friends the hiking route I have planned on a map "Great shot kid, that was one in a million" -me, encouraging my nephew's photography hobby |
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Dec 28, 2017 05:38
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Manifisto posted:what's in the box? what's in the loving box?? lol |
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Dec 28, 2017 06:05
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"Coffee is for Closers." -Me, indicating which of the beverages I'm holding is for my co-worker Jeff Closers |
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Dec 28, 2017 06:38
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"Life finds a way." -- Me explaining why we have to wash the shower curtain with bleach. |
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Dec 28, 2017 06:49
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Duckbox posted:"Life finds a way." -- Me explaining why we have to wash the shower curtain with bleach. |
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Dec 28, 2017 07:16
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"Welcome to Earth!" - Me angrily yelling at my monitor as I watch live footage of astronauts returning from the international space station. For some reason there is a used parachute trailing behind me.
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Dec 28, 2017 10:42
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"Here. If you have a milkshake.[pauses]. And I have a milkshake. And if I have a straw... My straw reaches acrooooooooooooooss the room, and starts to drink your milkshake. I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!" - Me showing off my extra long novelty twisty straw and explaining how I drank my friends milkshake from across the room.
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Dec 28, 2017 16:25
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”You will be assimilated, resistance is futile.” - my boss explaining the workplace pension scheme |
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Dec 28, 2017 22:54
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"Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a saucer? Do you see me eating mice?" -My cat, to me, when I was tripping balls https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Dec 28, 2017 23:05
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"My God. It's full of stars!" -me noticing a disproportionate amount of star shaped marshmallows in my Lucky Charms |
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Dec 28, 2017 23:16
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"Mrs Robinson, you're trying to seduce me" -me singing along misremembered lyrics to Simon and Garfunkel's Mrs Robinson on the radio |
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Dec 28, 2017 23:19
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"No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die" - a doctor telling our middle school band teacher that he has pancreatic cancer 
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Dec 28, 2017 23:45
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There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon you." Now... I been sayin' that poo poo for years. And if you ever heard it, that meant your rear end. You'd be dead right now. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before I popped a cap in his rear end. But I saw some poo poo this mornin' made me think twice. See, now I'm thinking: maybe it means you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here... he's the shepherd protecting my righteous rear end in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. And I'd like that. But that poo poo ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be the shepherd. -Me robbing Ringo Starr's house while I explain to him about how I'm trying real hard to go straight.
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Dec 29, 2017 04:47
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Drink-Mix Man posted:"My God. It's full of stars!"
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Dec 29, 2017 12:36
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"Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that." -me explaining to an ex-gf that I can't run away with her because I need to go beat the nazis and win WW2. |
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Dec 29, 2017 16:26
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canyoneer posted:"No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die"
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Dec 29, 2017 21:56
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Manifisto posted:what's in the box? what's in the loving box?? |
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Dec 29, 2017 23:51
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I had mine removed in an operating room . . . under anesthetic. But to have it bitten off in a Buick! A friend from Europe, discussing the state of American health care.
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Dec 30, 2017 00:47
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before the sun sets on her 16th birthday, she shall prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel My neurotic sister over and over again when we took a tour of a spinning wheel factory for her 16th birthday ---------------- |
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Dec 30, 2017 07:26
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"Oh, please, monsieur. It is a little game we play. They put it on the bill, I tear up the bill. It is very convenient." - my uncle Bill, is his yearly phone call from debtor's prison
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Dec 30, 2017 15:09
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”Ah, I see you have the machine that goes BING!” -my doctor to the nurse wheeling in a piece of medical equipment just before a major operation https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Dec 30, 2017 16:10
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