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*Bad guys are doing drug things in a dark warehouse* The Count: ahh! ahh! ahh! Bad guy: Wha? Who's there's? Other bad guy (pointing): It's da count! * A hail of bullets hits all the bad guys except one who ducked. The last bad guy reaches for a gun someone dropped but right before he can reach it the Count is suddenly there pointing a gun at him.* The Count: I know vat you are thinking. Did he fire one two three four five shots or one two three four five six shots? Even the Count loses Count sometimes! ahh! ahh! ahh! But this is a forty four caliber magnum that's four tens and four ones, so, do you feel lucky punk? |
# ? Jan 3, 2018 01:47 |
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# ? May 3, 2024 01:00 |
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*Sesame Street is buzzing with activity, lot of muppets and humans doing gritty things, enter Big Bird slowly walking down the street* Everyone all at once: "Big Bird comin." "Yo Big Bird comin ya'll." Grab your stuff Big Bird comin" *Sesame Street is suddenly completely empty and quiet.* Big Bird (knocking on a door): Snuffy, todays lesson is manners. When someone knocks on the door it's polite to answer. (long pause) If you don't learn it today Big Bird will come the next day and the next day and the day after that. *Aloysius Snuffleupagus slowly and sheepishly opens the door* Aloysius Snuffleupagus: H-Hiya Bird.
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# ? Jan 3, 2018 02:07 |
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L.L. Kool Mo don’t be takin’ no tickles from NO ONE, son!
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
# ? Jan 3, 2018 02:33 |
A hearty thank you to anyone who can link the thread this gem was from:misty mountaintop posted:Oscar sat down on the stoop, looked out blankly at The Street, lit the joint, inhaled. A little after noon on a Thursday, out in public with a J in his hand, he might have been wary, but he wasn’t. He had grown up on The Street, knew its rhythms, the systole/diastole of its people, its traffic. 5-0 never rolled down The Street. ---------------- |
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# ? Jan 3, 2018 02:56 |
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Oscar, withdrawn from the world in his can, taking notes and smoking cigarettes. "These days are always cloudy and gray, and there ain't no sunny skies coming to sweep them away." |
# ? Jan 3, 2018 02:58 |
Off in a side alley... Benny Rabbit: You got some money or not? Telly Monster: Come on, man. You know I'm a little short. Hook me up, man. Benny Rabbit: Muppet, hook you up? gently caress outta here. Telly Monster: Man, I got these cheeseburgers. They some double cheeseburgers. Benny Rabbit: Muppet, I just ate. I just ate. If you ain't got no money, you just assed out. Telly Monster: [as Benny Rabbit was leaving] Come on, man. I'll suck your dick, man. Benny Rabbit: The gently caress you just said? Telly Monster: I said I'll suck your dick, man. Come on now. Benny Rabbit: [shoots Telly Monster] Suck on that, you bitch-rear end trick. [to Herry Monster] Benny Rabbit: Anybody want a hamburger? Herry Monster: I don't want no motherfucking hamburger. Benny Rabbit: I got it from that basehead muppet. ---------------- |
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# ? Jan 3, 2018 03:04 |
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cda posted:A hearty thank you to anyone who can link the thread this gem was from: that was a great thread, as is this one, sorry though i don't know where the old one is |
# ? Jan 3, 2018 03:41 |
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grover leans up against a lamppost and takes a drag off his cigarette. somewhere in the distance a police siren wails |
# ? Jan 3, 2018 03:42 |
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Does anyone else remember that old, old, incredibly old rear end .wav (I think it probably was) that was supposed to be the sesame street gang getting high? It was the brother prehistoric internet audio meme to "South Park meets Starcraft" Tell me more! |
# ? Jan 3, 2018 03:43 |
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The X-man cometh posted:Oscar, withdrawn from the world in his can, taking notes and smoking cigarettes. I'm lookin for a place called Sesame Street. Funny thing is, nobody seems to wanna tell me where it is. *Tosses cig away, suddenly turns violent and grabs grover by collar* how bout you, kid? Does this look funny to you, HUH? Tell me how to get there!! |
# ? Jan 3, 2018 03:45 |
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Detective shakes his head. "Another day, another letter, eh Donny?" On the ground is a chalk outline of a B |
# ? Jan 3, 2018 03:47 |
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Starman Super DX posted:Does anyone else remember that old, old, incredibly old rear end .wav (I think it probably was) that was supposed to be the sesame street gang getting high? did u just say 'Kramit?' |
# ? Jan 3, 2018 03:53 |
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cda posted:A hearty thank you to anyone who can link the thread this gem was from: Never mind, it’s my own quote, I think it was gold mined and no longer linkable Pot Smoke Phoenix fucked around with this message at 04:04 on Jan 3, 2018 https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
# ? Jan 3, 2018 04:01 |
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the disgruntled regular at the restauraunt where Grover waits tables part-time has donned a suicide vest and taken the other patrons hostage! can Grover meet his demands for a cheeseburger with 1 patty, 2 slices of cheese, and 3 slices of tomato to avert disaster?
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# ? Jan 3, 2018 04:41 |
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Koishi Komeiji posted:*Sesame Street is buzzing with activity, lot of muppets and humans doing gritty things, enter Big Bird slowly walking down the street* |
# ? Jan 3, 2018 05:21 |
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Dads Dip Cup posted:the disgruntled regular at the restauraunt where Grover waits tables part-time has donned a suicide vest and taken the other patrons hostage! can Grover meet his demands for a cheeseburger with 1 patty, 2 slices of cheese, and 3 slices of tomato to avert disaster? |
# ? Jan 3, 2018 06:27 |
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Ernie: "So I uh, don't see what the issue is here if you really are innocent." Suspect: "I'm not saying poo poo, I haven't done poo poo, I wanna speak to my lawyer." Ernie: "You're being pretty difficult, y'know. I don't think I can do this alone." [Ernie calls in Bert] Suspect: *pffft* "The 'good cop bad cop' routine? Seriously?" Ernie: "Uh oh... I uh, I dunno if you wanna call it that. Bert's sensitive about being typeca-" Bert: *kicks chair aside and slams his fist on the table* "Think you're the first person to try and play that game?" Suspect: "I... I'm just sayin' that I think it's pr-" Bert: "What I am just sayin' is you're a weak poo poo-talking punk rear end bitch who better fess the gently caress up about what really happened at 123rd East this morning." Ernie: "Hey Bert." [Bert eases up] Bert: "Hey Ern." Ernie: "I was wondering if maybe we should go easy on this guy, maybe not interr-" Suspect: "Finally someone's being reasonab-" [Bert slaps the Suspect] Bert: "You deaf? Did you not hear my partner just now about interruptions?" Suspect: *spits* "Whatever, man. I want my loving lawyer. Angry fuckin' Jim Hanson lookin' rear end." [Bert's eyes turn grim] Ernie: "Uh oh... Um, Bert?" Bert: "Ernie..." Ernie: "Hey Bert." Bert: "Lock the door." Suspect: "What now?" Ernie: "I'm sure he didn't mean it, Bert. Besides, a lot of people still think y-" Bert: "Do. It. Now." [Ernie locks the door. Outside the interrogation room, everyone is going about their usual business.] |
# ? Jan 3, 2018 06:39 |
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Okay, but what if the puppets were black and sold drugs?? |
# ? Jan 3, 2018 09:44 |
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cda posted:A hearty thank you to anyone who can link the thread this gem was from: I hate this because I want more |
# ? Jan 3, 2018 18:27 |
Hoots the Owl plays a slow, subdued saxophone number as New York City neon reflects off the black hood of a police cruiser. Police detective Bert pilots it down the gritty streets of a new Sodom, stone-faced, intent, serious. Always the butt of a joke, but no one can say they've seen or heard him tell one. The cruiser silently glides past dive bars, past adult bookstores, past the brazenly junk-dealing Gonzos right outside of Hooper's Market, the junk-buying and trick-seeking Prairie Dawns on the corners, well-known vagrant Oscar the Grouch sleeping by some newspaper vending machines. He's not in his can, it's long gone, but there is a shiny, fresh syringe poking out of his neck. Bert keeps on driving to his destination. The light at the intersection down the block goes yellow, red. Cross traffic immediately begins to move long before he reaches it. He slows the cruiser to stop, sharply exhales in exasperation. Normally, he'd be making an immediate turn or slowing and then gunning it through the intersection, no matter the light color. On the corner, he hears unintelligible rambling. Animal is on the corner, his pants down at his ankles, having a psychotic episode. Been a lot of those, ever since President Eagle approved funding cuts for mental health treatment. Bert knows the new department guidelines, that he can only carry his service-approved revolver and shouldn't immediately treat the mentally ill as violent. But old habits die hard, especially when they've been hardboiled into one's soul by years of working on edge at the edge of society. Bert reaches inside the flap of his trenchcoat, feels for the inner pocket, raps his four yellow fingers around the grip of the snubnose .38 that he's not supposed to have, the one he "confiscated" from an Electric Mayhem MC member. Just in case. The light changes to green. Animal has been rambling to the sky through all of this. Bert relaxes, decides he's crazy but harmless, and puts his hand back on the wheel. After a few minutes, he pulls up to the Fix-It Shop, illuminated in red and blue, green and purple, orange and yellow light from the lightbars on the police vehicles that have already arrived. Bert gets out, walks up to police officer Ernie (holding a beat-up looking pump-action shotgun), asks for the site report. The Fix-It Shop's owners, Luis and Maria, are standing outside of their business. Luis is looking up at the sky, as if he's looking for something a thousand yards away, while hugging a distraught Maria close. Turns out the shotgun is Luis'. It was recently fired (Bert notes the yellow, numerical photo markers behind a cordon of police tape in front of the shop, designating the location of ejected shotgun shells) in an act of self-defense against an armed robber. Luis thinks his shots made contact two, three times. He claims he was just trying to graze and wing the robber. Bert walks into the cordon, goes down the street a bit, and sees a smear of blood on the pavement, leading into an alley. He sees a collapsed muppet body, laying in front of a pile of crack pipes, syringes, whiskey bottles, used condoms, adult magazines, and handgun ammunition casings of various calibers. Bert takes out his flashlight, flicks it on, and walks in to the alley. Shining the light at the body's upper area, Bert sees that it's Elmo. He lets out another exasperated sigh. Emotional exhaustion, another day, another dead kid. Breaking department protocol some more, Bert pulls a flask of Figgy Fizz from his coat and takes a pull. Swallowing it down and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand to steel his nerves, he shines his flashlight on more of the body. He almost throws up; Elmo's midsection is just a gooey mess of stuffing, blood, the weird neon green of muppet meat. Bert's tough. He's seen some truly heinous stuff. But this time, his mind can't help but think of the smear on the sidewalk that he followed into the alleyway. This kid, Elmo, it wasn't quick for him. Bert can't help but think of him crawling on his hands and knees to die in the discarded refuse that accumulates in the societal underbelly, mindlessly clinging to life when he had to know, had to literally feel as his muppet guts were spilling out of him, that it was impossible. Every so often, this kind of feeling happens. Things get to Bert. He takes another pull of Figgy Fizz, swallows his nausea down with it, gets back to work. He leaves the alley, jots down the some notes, and directs an arriving ambulance to the body. He signs off on its removal by the EMTs, hears them curse as they shoo away the pigeons that have been congregating to peck on the body. It's only been forty-five minutes since the call came in, since Elmo's armed robbery and subsequent death, and the sky rats are coming down in force to feast. Seems like they're always getting faster and more furious at it, as the years go by. He gets in the car, looks at his notes, makes a few edits. The police radio squawks at him; he's needed at the scene of the latest kill by this inane serial killer, one "Helly Telly". Bert puts away his notepad, buckles up, starts the car. He reaches into the center of the cruiser's front bench seat seat, takes out some cigarettes, and puts one in his mouth. Lighting it with the Zippo he had bought at the Da Nang PX back in the day, he thinks "Screw the kids. Screw being a role model. It doesn't do any good." And then he pulls out, his lights flashing a rainbow of color off the darkened fronts of closed shops and burnt building, as he speeds to his next stop in this long-running, up-close tour of American hell. Kthulhu5000 fucked around with this message at 22:42 on Jan 3, 2018 ---------------- |
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# ? Jan 3, 2018 22:38 |
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alnilam posted:Detective shakes his head. "Another day, another letter, eh Donny?" On the ground is a chalk outline of a B
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# ? Jan 4, 2018 04:10 |
alnilam posted:Detective shakes his head. "Another day, another letter, eh Donny?" On the ground is a chalk outline of a B Lol |
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# ? Jan 4, 2018 12:40 |
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cda posted:A hearty thank you to anyone who can link the thread this gem was from: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3790371&pagenumber=2&perpage=40#post464323020 ruthlessly gassed by fluffie not that the thread was otherwise very memorable
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# ? Jan 4, 2018 14:18 |
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Oscar the Grouch lives in a garbage can.
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# ? Jan 4, 2018 16:47 |
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Cookie Monster but instead of cookies it's heroine.
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# ? Jan 4, 2018 18:46 |
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When Mr Hooper died, Big Bird learned to mourn. And then Gordon and Luis taught him how to murder those corporate bastards who drove Mr Cooper's store out of business. |
# ? Jan 5, 2018 19:10 |
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Starman Super DX posted:Does anyone else remember that old, old, incredibly old rear end .wav (I think it probably was) that was supposed to be the sesame street gang getting high? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjZGssSyXg8 ---------------- |
# ? Jan 7, 2018 00:43 |
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Elmo: What do you think, Dorothy? Yeah, Elmo thinks so too! Now, let's ask a baby! Doctor: We're sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Mo. Your son is lost in his own little world. |
# ? Jan 8, 2018 21:57 |
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yo you hear grover got shot? |
# ? Jan 8, 2018 22:46 |
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Groverhaus something something |
# ? Jan 8, 2018 23:29 |
Big Bird and Bert are sitting in their cruiser in a Skid Row strip mall parking lot. Big Bird: If we're gonna crack this drug case, we gotta start asking questions. Bert: You think these druggies are going to have answers? Big Bird: Only one way to find out. The duo exit their cruiser and begin walking around to the back of the strip mall. Big Bird (under his breath): Lotta trash on these streets...and I'm not talking about the drugs or shattered whiskey bottles. The duo finds Oscar the Grouch in a dumpster, lethargically leaning over its rim. Bert (approaching Oscar): Hey pal, you hungry? You got a minute? Oscar the Grouch: I don't know anything, and I ain't got anything to say, cops. Why don't you just scram? Big Bird: So who says we're asking about anything? We're just friendly neighborhood police detectives, you know? On patrol and looking out - Oscar (interrupting Big Bird): Bullshit. Big Bird suddenly grabs Oscar the Grouch's arms and pulls him out the dumpster. Oscar lands to the ground on his belly, but before he can react, Big Bird kneels, flips him over, and begins rifling through his fur. He finds a bag of pink crystals and a beaten-up syringe Big Bird: Don't know anything? Got nothing to say? Huh? Where'd you get this poo poo? Oscar (weakly): You can't do this. Just...just let me be. Bert (nervously): Bird, let's just leave him alone. Big Bird stands up. He looks down at Oscar, laying on the ground, panting. He pulls back one of his big orange feet and then slams it forward into Oscar's abdomen Big Bird (in a psychotic rage): WHERE DID YOU GET THIS poo poo? Bert (reaching out to restrain Big Bird from behind): Bird! Oscar gurgles and moans. Bert is trying to hold onto to Big Bird, but he's outmatched. He is shaken off, and Big Bird delivers several more swift kicks onto Oscar. Big Bird (yelling and pulling out his service pistol, aiming it at Oscar): Spill your loving guts, you junkie piece of poo poo! Who's supplying this garbage? Oscar is holding himself tight in a fetal position, rocking left and right and letting out a soft, moaning sob. Big Bird (becoming calm, speaking in a quiet voice): gently caress this prick. He turns around and begins walking out of the alleyway, back to the parking lot. Bert, hesitant, stares back and forth at his retreating form and the pathetic, beaten Grouch on the ground. With a conflicted, distressed look on his face, he begins walking briskly to catch up with Big Bird. They get back into the cruiser, but don't start it. Bert stares straight ahead for a minute, while Big Bird buckles up and starts fumbling with the car keys. Bert (in a neutral tone of voice): Is that what you meant about getting justice for Snuffy's death? Big Bird (annoyed): Don't say poo poo to me about Snuffy. He was my partner, my friend - not yours. Bert (in a prosecutorial tone): Do you think he'd be happy with you right now? Are you happy with yourself, right now? Big Bird turns his head away, staring straight out of the windshield at the shutdown clothing consignment store they're parked in front of. He looks up at the roof of the cruiser's cab, a mulling expression on his face. After a moment, he looks back down and turns his head to face Bert's Big Bird (coolly): Yeah. Yeah, I think so. ---------------- |
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# ? Jan 9, 2018 04:33 |
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Hi, ho. Kermit the Frog here. *Pimp slaps a ho* |
# ? Jan 11, 2018 19:27 |
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# ? May 3, 2024 01:00 |
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Sesame Street News Flash We take you now to reporter Kermit the Frog I'm Kermit the Frog and I'm investigating the deadly opioid addiction crisis ravaging our streets. And more importantly, why pharmaceutical lobbyists are pushing local government to make it worse. This actual scene from 1970s NYC is actually pretty gritty for Sesame Street. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBDrSuKvfAM |
# ? Jan 12, 2018 16:28 |