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It's that time of year again! When we look at our favorite asinine ursines and make picks using science! What am I talking about? I am talking aboutour tried and true backronym-filled prediction method DABEARS or as I explained last year: quote:The Bears are bad, but they're so bad in predictable ways we can use them to predict other outcomes based on on performance. For example: By losing to the Bears we can accurately predict that the Steelers and the Panthers are not playoff caliber teams and as such were eliminated in their first opportunity. Using our system, which is heavy on asking if a team lost to the Bears called The "Defeats Against the Bears Explain Away Results System" (DABEARS) we have the following categories of importance: Directly losing to the Bears. If you lost to the Bears, you should expect to lose. Point differential against the Bears. If you couldn't run up the score against the Bears, what can we expect from you? Being unable to defeat teams that lost to the Bears and Point differential against teams that lost to the Bears. We get it, only one team can go 0-16 a year so even teams that lose to the Bears can win games and even beat you. But by how much? Wildcard Weekend: Eagles(0-0) at Bears(???): The standing premise of this system is that the Bears should never win, therefore Eagles. Seahawks(0-1) at Cowboys(0-0): Cowboys. As the Seahawks could not beat the Chicago Bears. Colts (0-0) at Texans (0-0): Neither team has played the Chicago Bears, but the Colts are 1-1 against teams that lost to the Bears. Meanwhile the Texans are 2-0. Texans Chargers(0-0) at Ravens(0-0): Another never met secenario, so we go to the tiebreaker: 2-1 Against losers vs 2-0. Not losing is better than losing. Divisional Round: Texans at Patriots(1-0): Having beaten the Chicago Bears, the Patriots are the favorite here. Ravens at Chiefs(0-0): Even if we don't count preseason (Where the chiefs lost to the Bears!) The Chiefs have gone 2-2 against teams that lost to the Bears Eagles (1-0) at Saints (0-0): Having Beaten the Chicago Bears the week before, they are the favorites. Cowboys(0-0) at Rams(0-1): If you lose to the Chicago Bears you lose in real life. HOWEVER! If the Eagles prove themselves unable to beat the Chicago Bears the NFC playoffs instead look like this: Cowboys at Saints: Cowboys (2-1 against losers) will be nudged out by Saints (3-1 against losers) Bears at Rams: The only way for the Rams to win is to find the only team that by default must be worse than the Chicago Bears: The Chicago Bears (bear in mind, we consider this scenario highly unlikely) Conference Championships: In our Prime Timeline: Ravens at Patriots: The Patriots beat the Chicago Bears, the Ravens had the misfortune of never playing them. Eagles at Cowboys: The Eagles Beat the Chicago Bears, the Cowboys had the misfortune of never playing them. In the timeline where the Eagles lost to the Chicago Bears: Rams at Saints: The Rams streak of playing teams that are the Chicago Bears runs out and they have to play the Saints. In the other timeline where the Rams lost to the Bears twice: Bears at Saints:This timeline exists only to prolong the suffering of the fans of the Chicago Bears. THE SUPERBOWL ITSELF(!) Eagles and Patriots: The Eagles and the Patriots will have both beaten the Chicago Bears to prove once again the Super Bowl requires the winner to have Beaten them. But we can look further and see the first Tiebreaker: Eagles a pitiful 1-2, but the Patriots are 7-1! The Patriots will excise their last year demons, bring home a trophy and we can all curse at Tom Brady for another loving year. However this is a quantum finish, so let us peer into the extra dimensions: When The Eagles lost, But the Rams won: Saints and Patriots: Direct head to head. gently caress Tom Brady. When the Eagles lost, and the Rams lost twice(lol) Saints and Patriots: Nothing changes. gently caress Tom Brady, again. The dumbest timeline, where three teams found themselves unable to beat the Chicago Bears Bears and Patriots: gently caress Tom Brady So as you can see, all of our timelines converge at Tom Brady's loving face. Except for one dismal future. In the grimdark future there is but one hope: For there is an outcome we didn't discuss. An offshoot from that last timeline. Bears and Patriots. Yes. The only timeline where Tom Brady loses is one where the Super Bowl champion is...THE CHICAGO BEARS
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Jan 4, 2019 15:56
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| # ? May 3, 2024 07:08 |
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the Patriots made it to the Super Bowl
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Jan 22, 2019 05:05
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Cavauro posted:the Patriots made it to the Super Bowl And won. Like I told all of you they would.
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Feb 4, 2019 04:11
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Well done to Hoot
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Feb 4, 2019 04:14
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