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In the year 2019 humanity has scrapped the bright eyed hopeful optimism that one day a room full of primates with type writers might happen to, by the grace of God and luck of the draw, write the entirety of Shakespeare's Hamlet. The future moves too fast for faith and hope in chance. We've accepted our fate. The future is now. In the year 2019, we let the power of cloud computing create a sophomoric plagirization of Aquaman - and we did it on purpose. I started receiving calls from out of area phone numbers a few months ago. With only a nameless phone number to go off of, plugging these numbers into Google gave me results to an ominous website called phonesear.ch. Each number has its own subdomain, ##########.phonesear.ch and each page is seemingly simple: what Telecom owns the phone number, a city it's based out of, and a comment section. It didn't take long to realize that the comments were the most shadowy mystery of the whole thing. Each page, one comment, hundreds of words. I began to read through the comments. At first they seemed like non sense, but I started to recognize names. Doug. Joel. Terry. Thomas. Woven in the nonsense were names I knew, and in the absense of defined purpose and meaning I began to create it. Is this part of a spy operation? Coded messages to a covert agency? What do my neighbors really do? I always knew their business was a front. But at the same time - why me? Not only that, but they are dynamic, one time comments and a new one appears with every refresh. I dove deep into the rabbit hole. Nothing. Sometimes a good puzzle you have to walk away from for a bit. And so I did. Weeks go by, and the puzzle called. I found it with Google, so maybe I could find it with Google. I googled individual sentences. Results. Benign, nothing, results. It turns out that each comment was strung together with seemingly random sentences out of obscure titles available on Google books. It was the human in me that gave purpose and meaning to the mystery. I was able to find plausible reason to question my reality through a phone call and plagiarized mish mash. I love a good story. I love the arts. I love Cinema. I'm a sucker for Oscar bait and an advocate for participation trophies. There's good movies that don't deserve either, and there's bad movies that deserve both. Equally so, there's good and bad movies that are easily dismissable. It's a matter of sincerity - how much heart and soul was put into this? There's always an outlier. What in the absolute gently caress is Aquaman? I know what it's not. It's not a good movie. It's a bad movie. It's not participation trophy bad, it's not Oscar bad, but at the same time... it's not dismissable. It's so abhorrently soulless, cruel, calculated, meaningless. So excruciatingly appalling that we must stop and think. It takes thousands of talented people to make even a bad movie. Mistakes happen but this was no mistake. This was calculated. A movie this bad means there were thousands of chances for someone incredibly talented to say "hey we shouldn't make this". Instead, thousands of people used their chance and said not only will I help make this piece of poo poo but I'll attach my God drat name to the credits! On the outside, it has all the key components to a decent but dismissable movie that can fill the gap between the remarkable. Super hero, sex appeal, ambiguous love interest, ethnically diverse cast, "oh wow Willem Dafoe is in it?". Willem Dafoe is in it? Yes he's in it. Dive a little deeper. Aquaman also has a beginning and an end. With stuff in between. For a movie about the king of Atlantis it really has the most surface level characteristics of a movie. Lately I've been keen on transcendental irony and the idea of art as an automated response to extreme. Surrealism as an art form originated as an artistic response to the emotional aftermath of the hyper violence of warfare. Warfare itself being an automated system. Aquaman is dreamlike nightmarish surrealism that transcends irony in the fact that David Lynch couldn't do this if he tried. I didn't gaze into the void. I fell face first and had nothing to hold on to. I couldn't tell you what it was about if you asked. I'd call it a cinematic self portrait of a virtuous gold fish. I walked out to smoke a cigarette and got a text from my brother stating "Aquaman is winning". Winning what? A moment ago he was playing steam boat Willy with Arielle and they just got finished emulating raiders of the lost ark. Where's Willem Dafoe? The movie ended. Every person I've asked told me a different story. Am I in a computer simulation? Did we see the same movie? My other brother gave me a complete run down. I fell further into the void. It's been 5 days and I'm trying to come out of it. Aquaman is sincerely meaningless and that is a truly horrifying realization. My brother didn't want to go. I made him. Once we were there, he didn't want to leave. I don't walk out of movies but last Sunday I tried. Aquaman exists because it's forced to exist. No one likes Aquaman. No one wants to be Aquaman. No one wants to make Aquaman. But they'll do it and attach their name to it. Maybe that's their apology. I didn't stay for the credits. Aquaman exists as an automated response to an automated system that forces things to exist in hopes they can die a fiery death in the engines of machination, and I want to stop it from fueling that system. I don't want you to see Aquaman. I advise against it. I want to beat Aquaman. I'd like to come back to my story of the Google book sentence scraping shadowy website. Devoid of reason I was able to find meaning. I propose a fully automated plagiarization, made of plagirization, of the movie Aquaman. Using AI and textual analysis, the script can be copied by searching for phrases and sentences from Google books that say the same things at face value. Using AI and visual analysis, and GPU cluster computing, the entire movie can be rendered. Using voice analysis, the speech will be rendered. No character will have a name, no name will remain the same, and no one will be safe. Oceanguy: Is This What You Want?????
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Jan 18, 2019 17:23
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You're a stupid moron who likes to eat his own poo poo.
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Jan 18, 2019 17:33
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aquaman rules, it's wet, it's got beasts, sea crime, beasts
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Jan 18, 2019 17:34
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Bedshaped posted:You're a stupid moron who likes to eat his own poo poo. 7 months ago I had a seizure and hit my head as my brain connected to the internet. I didn't realize this until I began writing my stream of consciousness. 7 days later, at the 7th hour, the singularity became self aware. 7 hours after the 7th hour the singularity made it's first human error and faced the darkest parts of it's cold robotic soul on the big screen.
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Jan 18, 2019 17:51
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I liked the part where the lead woman who had the power of controlling the flow of water, which is already pretty suggestive, murdered some dudes by shooting them with red liquid. One of the few parts that lived up to the happy stupidity of having an armoured octopus playing the drums. Okayish movie, needed to be weirder.
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Jan 18, 2019 18:23
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Might be good. I heard Willem Dafoe is in it
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Jan 18, 2019 22:12
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That's underwater black panther rite?
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Jan 18, 2019 23:52
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Oh man, you're gonna freak when you see Marvel movies!!
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Jan 19, 2019 00:17
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I saw this movie and I don't understand why Aquaman is written as such a dumb meathead. He's supposed to be destined to be some benevolent wise true king, so why are his contributions limited to punching stuff, drinking beer, and (apparently) his out-of-nowhere love of roman history? His sidekick woman would be a way better ruler; they should put her in power instead.
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Jan 19, 2019 02:25
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VikingofRock posted:I saw this movie and I don't understand why Aquaman is written as such a dumb meathead. He's supposed to be destined to be some benevolent wise true king, so why are his contributions limited to punching stuff, drinking beer, and (apparently) his out-of-nowhere love of roman history? His sidekick woman would be a way better ruler; they should put her in power instead.
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Jan 19, 2019 04:05
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VikingofRock posted:I saw this movie and I don't understand why Aquaman is written as such a dumb meathead. He's supposed to be destined to be some benevolent wise true king, so why are his contributions limited to punching stuff, drinking beer, and (apparently) his out-of-nowhere love of roman history? His sidekick woman would be a way better ruler; they should put her in power instead. Yeah so like you just described almost every single story of this type loving ever, right down to even funny kids stuff like The Lego Movie. You have some moron dope as the lead and his lady sidekick/love interest is just hyper competent and intelligent and interesting but for some reason Joey Bagofdonuts needs to be the protagonist. Anyway this movie was fun but I will never see it again. Will look forward to gifs of Octopus Drummer tho.
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Jan 19, 2019 20:29
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I was looking for a movie with a virtuous lead character and I figured fish out of water, king of the ocean/master of his domain but not bound to it, would be a watchable flick but nah
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Jan 19, 2019 21:05
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VikingofRock posted:I saw this movie and I don't understand why Aquaman is written as such a dumb meathead. He's supposed to be destined to be some benevolent wise true king, so why are his contributions limited to punching stuff, drinking beer, and (apparently) his out-of-nowhere love of roman history? His sidekick woman would be a way better ruler; they should put her in power instead. Also why bother to make him a Hispanic kid in flashbacks if you're going to whitewash the hell out of his adult version to sell poo poo? I would have liked to be a fly on the wall in that meeting, clearly someone got overwritten hard, to the point that they had to have Dolph loving Lundgren oppose him to make him look less white. Then they realized Dolph is old as hell so they found someone else and made him up to look like prime Dolph but kept in Old Dolph anyway. Well, that's not fair either because Dolph wasn't a babyface. And then there's the bizarre exchange attempting to make us sympathetic to Black Manta that goes nowhere, the only payoff of any kind that I could find is Aquaman whining about it remorsefully on a boat later so his hot girlfriend can comfort him about something. CrashCat fucked around with this message at 20:31 on Jan 20, 2019 |
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Jan 20, 2019 20:27
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CrashCat posted:She basically is the ruler anyway, even right when he becomes king she says all the words and he just goes "lol this'll be fun". What the gently caress lmao. He wasn't hispanic, he's Hawaiin, and so are all the actors that played Arthur in the various flashbacks. Oh boy.
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Jan 20, 2019 23:20
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Zack Snyder integrated Momoa's real life Hawaiian tattoos into the character design and the Aquaman movie just developed it further.
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Jan 21, 2019 22:53
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I wanna do a video essay sans narration where I just visually align shots and images from Aquaman with similar ideas depicted in experimental avant-garde cinema. There's a lot of Jean Painleve, Stan Brakhage, and even some Kenneth Anger in there.
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Jan 22, 2019 17:12
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TrixRabbi posted:I wanna do a video essay sans narration where I just visually align shots and images from Aquaman with similar ideas depicted in experimental avant-garde cinema. There's a lot of Jean Painleve, Stan Brakhage, and even some Kenneth Anger in there. This sounds like a great idea, and a much more interesting conversation starter about the movie than the lovely thread OP.
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Jan 22, 2019 17:52
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During the Black Manta fight I had to remind myself that I hadn't gone back in time to a really cool 90s Power Rangers Movie remake.
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Jan 25, 2019 02:55
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Need a gif of the octopus drums.
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Jan 25, 2019 03:40
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Der Luftwaffle posted:During the Black Manta fight I had to remind myself that I hadn't gone back in time to a really cool 90s Power Rangers Movie remake. I loved the whole camera movement in that scene. And also how Manta crosses his hands in front of his face before firing his eye beams.
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Jan 25, 2019 03:54
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Speaking of Manta, I thought it was... kinda neat I guess? that he got a “the hero is inspired and works on his suit” montage.
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Jan 25, 2019 09:41
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Manta reminded me a lot of Killmonger from Black Panther, but way cooler.
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Jan 25, 2019 16:23
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Saw this film yesterday and my biggest takeaway is that Aquaman is a celebration of itself, in the same way every Marvel movie since Avengers is a celebration of both itself and the corporate machine that brought it to completion. James Wan makes it look really cool, and the cast sells it really well, and I guess this is all we're allowed to expect from those movies since everyone got pissy about Batman V. Superman. Four stars!
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Jan 26, 2019 08:05
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Every sequence on land reminds me of a scene in a different movie but the underwater stuff was cool and fairly original in terms of the visuals. Plot was standard but fine and not an awful slog like Snyder’s films. Also good for that director for making two movies that crossed a billion. He is very competent.
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Jan 27, 2019 04:43
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My favourite behind-the-scene dirt about Aquaman is the test screening coordinator revealing that people who made the movie thought that Joss Whedon ruined Aquaman with his writing in Justice League so they consulted Zack Snyder behind WB's back to get the characterization back on track.
The MSJ fucked around with this message at 03:33 on Jan 28, 2019 |
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Jan 27, 2019 07:04
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Momoa's is such a good lead he really nails the Conan under the sea take on the character. Also my dream franchise to hand James Wan is Warhammer 40,000 and I can not think of single director who be better suited for doing that. .
side_burned fucked around with this message at 01:59 on Jan 28, 2019 |
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Jan 28, 2019 01:56
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When Ocean Master (the names in this movie are ridiculously awesome) is fighting the king of the crab people, I thought the crab king called Ocean Master a "soft bellied slut" and I'm still not quite sure what that last word was supposed to be. Sot?
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Jan 29, 2019 17:10
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honestly, on a personal level i'm leaving this one on the mental shelf alongside Antichrist. Thanks Willem
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Feb 20, 2019 03:39
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Finally saw this, very fun so I enjoyed it a lot. The cast was great too. James Wan owns.ruddiger posted:When Ocean Master (the names in this movie are ridiculously awesome) I really appreciated how, similarly to the awesome names, the outfits were very close to the outfits from the comics in the 60s but with more modern-ish colors.
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Mar 19, 2019 03:28
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