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*family of 4 in wisconsin or something comes home to find house has been broken into* mom: they took all my jewelry, my cooking pans! they took OUR CAR kids: they took the nintendo and the sega *dad enters his mancave and is staring at the boxed set of garfunkel and oates greatest hits, untouched. the bluray of jeff dunham, still here. his spare closet full of all those banana republic slacks. dad: guess. . . guess i got lucky huh? |
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Feb 28, 2019 15:15
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| # ? May 2, 2024 03:18 |
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me: my car! my car is gone! friend: say is that a "metaphors be with you" bumper sticker on the ground over there? didn't you have one exactly like that? me: n-no . . . . not that exact one, no . . .
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Feb 28, 2019 15:23
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(Me, tied up to a chair and gagged, while the thief rummages through my belongings) Thief: Oh, this'll look good…(I raise my head hopefully)…in a pawnshop! (I sigh as I slump back down) |
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Feb 28, 2019 16:28
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I reach in my pocket at the train station to find my wallet is gone! All the remains from it is my metal credit card shaped survival tool and bottle opener. |
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Feb 28, 2019 19:46
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My hot new album is pirated on the internet! I find the torrent and the emotional closing track feat the guy from counting crows has been removed from the file list. |
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Feb 28, 2019 19:52
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google THIS posted:(Me, tied up to a chair and gagged, while the thief rummages through my belongings) Manifisto posted:me: my car! my car is gone! A LOVELY LAD posted:I reach in my pocket at the train station to find my wallet is gone! All the remains from it is my metal credit card shaped survival tool and bottle opener. A LOVELY LAD posted:My hot new album is pirated on the internet! I find the torrent and the emotional closing track feat the guy from counting crows has been removed from the file list. |
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Feb 28, 2019 21:58
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Come home to a busted door all your stuff is all over the place, message light blinking on phone. It's from animal control, they have your dog he got out gee wonder how that happened. After some time looking to see what is missing you notice that your fridge has a note written in sharpie on it 
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Feb 28, 2019 22:17
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Snuck into disneyland by pressing the back of my hand on my friends to copy the return stamp but I dont really enjoy any of the rides in adventure land so I'll see you guys over at space mountain |
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Feb 28, 2019 23:47
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Just imagine grabbing a bag from the back of an armored truck but it turns out to be nothing but sacagawea dollars Imagine going to jail for stealing sacagawea dollar coins and the ferocity of the beatings you'd receive |
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Feb 28, 2019 23:55
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Hi, so I stole your purse last week on the subway. Here it is, im sorry for that. Listen, do you know that purchasing counterfeit designer brands often finances organized crime and child labor? Its way uncool. |
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Mar 1, 2019 00:03
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Finding all of my stolen jewelry at goodwill amd buying it back |
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Mar 1, 2019 00:08
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i walk into a busy mafia hideout and empty a fanny pack of cards on the floor "ooh noo, my yugioh cards. I hope no big strong mobster takes my yugioh cards" the crowd ignores me and continues slamming hooch and yapping about dames. I lie on the floor and writhe in the cards "ooOoOOoh nOoOoo, my exodia. Please don't take my exodia" al capone looks up from a big plate a spaghetti with mild interest but mutters "ehhhh exodia. fugeddaboutit"
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Mar 1, 2019 00:09
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The burglar stole all of my white socks and all of my footwear except my sandals. What does it mean? |
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Mar 1, 2019 00:28
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me: so its identity theft. my identity has been stolen. holy gently caress. officer: weeelll . . . [waggles hand back and forth] me: I don't understand. they have my name, address, social security number, right? officer: yes. me: and they have my credit card numbers, my bank accounts, all the contacts on my phone, my social media passwords, all of it . . . yes??? officer [nodding]: I'm afraid so me: so what's the issue? officer: to be frank . . . they've got it all, but they don't want it. me: they don't want it?? officer: actually they're trying to give it back |
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Mar 1, 2019 00:54
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At least my priceless Taco Bell memorabilia is safe. They left a note telling me to learn to eat a vegetable. What does it all mean?
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Mar 3, 2019 18:54
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As I step in from the raging blizzard the burglar steps out from behind the door and smacks me right in the kisser and I fall in a jumbled heap into the pool of meltwater that has slowly accrued around his boots. AND THAT'S FOR THE GODDAMED DRAPES he shouts. FUCKS. SAKE. and takes off into the night |
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Mar 3, 2019 22:45
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yes, yes this is Linda at ProtectAmerica calling, yes your alarm went off, yes, and we're calling to let you know there's someone in your house, and you shouldn't go back home at this point. no, they are armed and they seem to know very well what they are doing, but the police are notified and on their way. Yes. Yes we have them on video now, they disabled most of the things, but they didn't get the motion detector in the back and that woke up the video feeds so they- yes they got the safes open and they are now taking- hold on. It seems like they have stopped. What are they- it's that guy, from upstairs. What is he sick? No he's getting up. He's showing the other guy something on his phone. Are they laughing? Yes they are laughing? now they're walking over to that- gotta switch feeds is he taking a photo of that... thing whatever it is? what is it- what, is he taking a selfie? why would you- Is he streaming this Is he streaming this??? He is streaming this! Haha! Christ, why would you own that? Why would you own any of these things jesus, Carol! Carol!!!! Carol you gotta come see this yeah I know oh sorry sir are you still on sir? |
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Mar 3, 2019 23:15
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I sit thrown to the sidewalk and watch in bewilderment as the carjacker swerves wildly 100ft down the street before he parks my car with a clank and a cough and a toot and a squeak and gets out, throws the keys at me and jogs off |
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Mar 3, 2019 23:30
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Manifisto posted:me: so its identity theft. my identity has been stolen. holy gently caress.
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Mar 3, 2019 23:51
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Reporter: I'm here live where an innocent man has experienced the horror of someone breakung in and steal his stuff. Sir, is this true? Me: Yes, this is the case. Reporter: You must be in a lot of fear right now. What did they take with them, the TV? Computer? Jewelry? Me: I don't have any of that, so no. Reporter: You surely must still be shaking. What did those criminals do to you? Me: Well, they placed an old screen in my desk, added a note to it and left a bag of weed. Reporter: What's on the note? Me: A password for a Netflix trial month along with a greeting that stuff gets better in the future. Also the number of an artist to get my walls painted differently. |
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Mar 4, 2019 01:22
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i love you guys
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Mar 4, 2019 01:24
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And that trilby way too small for yo head he says as he walks off with my date and I'm like, drat
Karate Bastard fucked around with this message at 12:30 on Mar 4, 2019 |
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Mar 4, 2019 11:05
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 "your money or your..." *takes in the scene* "...uhhh, just the money's fine"
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Mar 4, 2019 15:00
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The mugger quickly pockets my money and hands back the wallet but starts and drops it on the ground, apparently seeing it properly for the first time he gives me this really weird look and wipes his hand on his filthy overcoat
Karate Bastard fucked around with this message at 17:18 on Mar 4, 2019 |
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Mar 4, 2019 15:59
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJokXzlQDzE |
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Mar 4, 2019 17:05
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that’s a 300 dollar bottle of Tool wine, 300 dollars. and they didn’t want it ? they didn’t want that wine ? they took a keurig upstairs but didn’t want the wine from Maynard’s vineyard ? tool has a new album coming out this year . why. didn’t. they want. the wine.
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Mar 4, 2019 17:29
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Haha |
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Mar 4, 2019 17:31
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Officer: so, they broke into your car and stole everything? Me: yes Officer: even the sheep skin seat covers? (I look away and nod. A detective behind one way glass looks at his partner) "Got him" |
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Mar 4, 2019 21:04
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vanisher posted:Officer: so, they broke into your car and stole everything?
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Mar 4, 2019 21:25
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Good news, your vehicle was found just a ways down the street from the incident. It seems that something caused your la cucaracha horn to activate so they just left it there in the intersection |
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Mar 4, 2019 21:28
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coming back to my apartment, and it's totally cleaned out like, they took out all the trash, cleaned up the dishes. they even restocked my frigde there was a note left behind "hey man, we realize times are tough and you're going thru some stuff. things might look rough now, and nobody will judge you or feeling that way. take care - love, burglars" |
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Mar 4, 2019 21:43
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Love burglars. I can work with that! Let me round up a sax guy and a drummer and let's roll. |
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Mar 4, 2019 21:46
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Kevin: *smug* better hurry up, I'm calling the cops! Marv: *worried* he's calling the cops! Harry: *derisively* calling the cops *angrily* from the treehouse? *strikes marv* come on Cut to Kevin in his really super decked out treehouse, sadly lowering the receiver of the phone. There's phone, TV, video games in there, it's awesome, but Kevin is clearly hurt by the assumption that it's not |
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Mar 4, 2019 22:20
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it’s a loving monkey drinking liquor, Karen ! A perfect loving representation of being relaxed, and having a good time! they didn’t even BREAK THE loving FRAME!! *Karen weeping and wailing * Franky ! they stole my grandmothers wedding ring ! can you please stop talking about the monkey poster .. *franky pacing back and forth , smoking, pointing cig at Karen* ITS A TIMELESS PIECE OF ITALIAN HERITAGE ---------------- |
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Mar 4, 2019 23:46
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"We caught the thief, the grocery bag on his head was a dead giveaway he was up to no good." "But he wasn't wearing one when he robbed me."
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Mar 5, 2019 01:29
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Nosfereefer posted:coming back to my apartment, and it's totally cleaned out I came here to post this "They took the Playstation!! What? The games… no, the games are still here. Yeah, the Wii board is still here too." "OH my GOD they… replaced the roll of toilet paper, with that little tab fold like hotels do." |
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Mar 5, 2019 02:20
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the back window of my car was smashed out, and someone took my banjo. i went inside to call the cops, and when I came out someone had put it back and there was another banjo there too canyoneer fucked around with this message at 04:13 on Mar 5, 2019 |
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Mar 5, 2019 04:10
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canyoneer posted:the back window of my car was smashed out, and someone took my banjo. they call this one "dualing banjos" |
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Mar 5, 2019 04:49
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| # ? May 2, 2024 03:18 |
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So they took your guitar out of the car? No they took the case? No? So the case is still on the sidewalk is it? So they they opened it on the sidewalk and took the guitar out of the case- No? They left your gui- excuse me your Steve Vai solid lime Ibanez Jem 777 with the handle on it in the case? Yes on the sidewalk excuse me why were you calling again? |
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Mar 5, 2019 08:23
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