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The birds, the trees, the rolling hills Have given way to paper mills It's sad to see such awful waste That appears to happen with hurried haste
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Mar 11, 2019 04:37
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| # ? May 6, 2024 10:15 |
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I think you can find a more effective way to convey the emotion of sadness at the sense of waste than just "It's sad to see such awful waste." Maybe you could use that line to give a vivid description of what the waste is, to perhaps indirectly impart in the reader a sense of sadness, such that they arrive at the conclusion of sadness on their own? Also, I'm not sure that you need to tell us that it "appears" to happen with hurried haste. It might be stronger, punchier to trim that and just say something like "That happens with such hurried haste". Forgive me if you weren't seeking advice our constructive criticism. The poetry thread is locked, so I suspected that that might be what you were looking for?
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Apr 9, 2019 01:26
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I like it.  But the last line should probably lose two syllables so every line has eight of them (as in, maybe, "that spread and splayed with hurried haste"). Just a thought.
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Apr 18, 2019 07:00
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I have been writing and reading poetry for 73 days, and I can tell you, this poem needs a lot of work. First off, it's too short. Some of the best poems are really long, they even can be the length of a whole book. Also it might surprise you, but a little known secret of poetry is that the words don't have to rhyme. This can sometimes allow you to use better words when you can't find a rhyming one. As an example of what sort of things you could do to expand this, I've rewritten your poem as a longer, more involved experience: I met a bird one summer's eve he tweeted down so solemnly his sorrow fell upon my ears and stopped me there amidst my steps I looked upon his feathered face and asked 'dear bird, what doest thou say?' he tweet'd again and then I heard the message couched within his chirps "oh man, you walk this earth so hard your steps tramp down on nature’s green and mash it into muddied brown that never 'gain regrows or seeds heed my warning mark my words the end comes nigh, for all your works you won’t escape the waves and winds for climate change doeth now begin." From that point on I saw the world in different light and other shades the paper mills that once brought pride now dragged my heart toward the grave Oh man, oh man, don't waste your time! upon this glowing earth of mine Oh man, please think before you act And bring our species back on track! Mornings passed, and seasons too and years turned by for me and you With wrinkled face and wretched knees with bent back I pass again the tree. A bird sang down like summer past A grandchild of the one before? I looked up there with rheumy eyes As tweet’d he a song of lore “Oh man who walks b’neath my tree! Stop and listen, take my heed! Though you may have changed your ways Man as a whole remains the same! Paper mills abound, and more! They crush the earth and kill the soil! The skies are brown with putrid air My wings are greasy, my mother: killed! You’ve changed yourself and nothing else All through your wasted life What good has all your learning been If only in one mind?” I leaned against that gnarled trunk And there pondered on his words I knew that what he said was true And my heart swole with regret And there until my dying breath I wrote these bloody lines To send my message out to you: To warn ‘gainst wasted time! © Original idea, do not steal
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Jun 26, 2019 18:10
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To keep the meter, you must remove that lovely apostrophe from "b'neath", but worry not, for simultaneously is needed a grave accent in "ponderèd".
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Jul 21, 2019 17:27
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Wizard Master posted:The birds, the trees, the rolling hills The title is very close to a line from "The Davinci Code" is that on purpose?
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Jul 28, 2019 19:43
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| # ? May 6, 2024 10:15 |
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Wizard Master posted:The birds, the trees, the rolling hills Just a heads up, but this poem comes off as very similar in imagery and meter to William Blake's "And did those feet in ancient time". Compare what you wrote with the following: And did those feet in ancient time, Walk upon Englands mountains green: And was the holy Lamb of God, On Englands pleasant pastures seen! And did the Countenance Divine, Shine forth upon our clouded hills? And was Jerusalem builded here, Among these dark Satanic Mills? A few other comments: 1. Reading this on a computer in the 21st century kind of emphasizes the anachronistic nature of the imagery you invoke. In addition to writing something very reminiscent of Blake you also invoke paper mills - something I tend to associate with a slow moving pre-digital past of the old industrial economy of yesteryear, and not something that makes me think of haste. Perhaps that was an intentional juxtaposition, but for me it just fell flat. The old fashioned (and cheesy) title and outdated use of the term "Man" doesn't help either. 2. The second two lines scan awkwardly. The use of "seems" interrupts the flow of the words and feels like an unnecessary qualifier. It's jarring because the sentence is alluding to speed and dynamism and yet your phrasing is awkward and stilted. Consider the alternative: "It's sad to see such awful waste / that happens with such hurried haste". Or if you really want the sentence to flow quickly (to match the subject of the sentence), maybe: "sad to see such awful waste / happening with hurried haste".
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Aug 8, 2019 16:28
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