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Now white guys, white guys open presents like this *mimes opening present in a dainty way* "Oh honey, look what Santa got me. A new chastity cage for my tiny dick" Whereas black guys open their presents like this *looking real mean at imaginary present* "Open up muthafucka." Hey what's the big deal? How come nobody's laughing? Am I being too... Naughty? And speaking of naughty, I see there's a special guest there in the back. Harvey Weinstein, everybody! Ho ho ho! I kid, Harvey, I kid. You're nice. Let's give him a big round of applause, folks, for being such a good sport. He's nice... At least that's what the out of court settlement says! But really. He's nice, not naughty. I don't want to give him coal anyway, he'd probably just try to gently caress it... Or turn it into a diamond, if you know what I'm saying. They run Hollywood. Think I'm joking? I get to skip Malibu every year, and it's not because George Clooney made em all environmentally conscious and now they don't have chimneys. While I'm on the subject of chimneys, everyone always wants to know if i ever delivered any presents to Hitler. Look, people, this list isn't a crystal ball. I didn't know what he was going to turn out to be when he was a kid. If he was on the nice list, he got what he asked for, even if it was the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. I was just following orders! Looks like they're telling me I'm out of time. You've been a terrible crowd. No presents for any of you. But if there are any hot chicks out there who want to watch me jack off, maybe we can work something out. Santa out! *Drops the mic* |
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Dec 3, 2019 04:23
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Santa sells out to Amazon after a spirited bidding war between Alphabet and Amazon. He launders the proceeds through dummy companies in the Caymans and the Channel Islands, and banks the money in Switzerland. Santa then retires to a private Caribbean island he bought from the estate of some dead rich guy. |
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Dec 3, 2019 04:55
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cda posted:Imagine this: Santa at the comedy club. Sitting in the back getting more drunk, surly, and loud as the night goes on. |
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Dec 3, 2019 05:09
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Dec 4, 2019 03:00
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[makes a list] “gently caress this” |
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Dec 4, 2019 05:59
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Macnult posted:[makes a list] Who would know if I just checked it once? |
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Dec 4, 2019 07:38
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vanisher posted:Who would know if I just checked it once? mrs santa: WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU SANTA
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Dec 4, 2019 14:28
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After squeezing himself through a chimney and landing in a suburban house, Santa finds the diet coke opened up and ready for consumption on the table with a note saying "For santa" scribbled inside a heart next to it. He opens up the presents and covers them with the cola. It's a hard job and a loving diet coke won't solve poo poo here. Also, by now he's more of a Pepsi guy anyways.
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Dec 4, 2019 14:49
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Santa doesn't even bother to visit certain states, as he definitely doesn't fit into a bulletproof vest anymore.
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Dec 4, 2019 14:53
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Ralphie: I want an official Red Ryder carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time. Santa: I don’t remember half of what you just said, but sure kid go nuts. |
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Dec 4, 2019 17:26
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Salvation Army Collector: Merry Christmas! Santa:...or whatever. |
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Dec 4, 2019 17:27
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merry christmas sant- look kid i'll stop you there just say loving happy holidays okay? jesus loving christ maybe we should call it santaween. i do all the loving work and what do i get? a loving flat diet coke some kid opened for me because he's an idiot and thinks i can't just, i don't know, take off my mittens. ho ho ho
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Dec 4, 2019 17:38
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does this Nerf N-Strike Longstrike CS-6 smell like marlboros
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Dec 4, 2019 17:41
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PR Coach: Ok, the image we want to project is "right jolly old elf." Now let's hear a happy, boisterous laugh! Santa: Seriously? You want me to laugh? PR Coach: I'm telling you, the kids will eat it up! You'll be the most popular holiday figure of all time! Come on, let's hear it! Santa: (sarcastically) Ho, ho, ho. PR Coach: You know what? I can work with that. |
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Dec 4, 2019 17:47
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*cross references the nice list with the list where santa writes down how many bits u donated to his twitch stream*
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Dec 4, 2019 17:51
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Elf: Hey boss. Morning. Santa: (under his breath)fuckyouyoulittleshit Elf: Excuse me? Santa: gently caress YOUUUUUUUU! |
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Dec 4, 2019 17:52
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SweetWillyRollbar posted:Elf: Hey boss. Morning. |
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Dec 4, 2019 18:33
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Who in the F*@# is telling these people to leave out room temp flat diet cokes this is the FOURTH HOUSE |
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Dec 4, 2019 18:47
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leaves his weight watchers food diary at home for tonight because honestly i need this
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Dec 4, 2019 18:47
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(little girl leaving out milk and cookies) (Dad slides in with his traditional 'dad goodies' plate, a shot of burbon and three Marlboro 'blacks') |
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Dec 4, 2019 18:49
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vanisher posted:(little girl leaving out milk and cookies) my MAN *slides a few hustlers into dads stocking*
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Dec 4, 2019 18:55
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Installing a wide seat and warmer on the toilet for Santa. "Aww YEAH. Been holding this in for like 5 houses." |
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Dec 4, 2019 19:00
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the new hot tiktok is a song about leaving santa an opened diet coke and a plate of tidepods
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Dec 4, 2019 19:01
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vanisher posted:Installing a wide seat and warmer on the toilet for Santa. this is a generous but risky proposition. you're just begging for a yule log
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Dec 4, 2019 19:18
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Just great. What's this on the seat? This is what I get for not checking!
Escape From Noise fucked around with this message at 19:24 on Dec 4, 2019 |
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Dec 4, 2019 19:20
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Drunk, asleep santa snoring on the toilet. The reindeers wondering if they should check on him. "Whoa, hold on. You know how I got this red nose? The song wasnt entirely accurate." |
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Dec 4, 2019 19:35
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santa's real problem is that he doesn't believe in himself anymore |
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Dec 4, 2019 23:11
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Santa packing the trunk of the sleigh with a few cases of PBR, which he polishes off over the course of the night. If he runs out there's always a convenience store somewhere.
Escape From Noise fucked around with this message at 07:08 on Dec 5, 2019 |
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Dec 5, 2019 06:31
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I ask for a poo poo every year and never get it |
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Dec 6, 2019 09:19
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| # ? Apr 29, 2024 15:44 |
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Drink-Mix Man posted:I ask for a poo poo every year and never get it Maybe the poo poo...was inside you all along! |
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Dec 6, 2019 09:30
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