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This came up in the USPOL thread and seemed like it might be fun since goons are so good at this poo poo. Wasn't sure which forum to post it in so I settled on here. Basically, just take a famous and classic movie monologue and turn it into a Trump speech. I'll go first with an avatar/post combo Robert Shaw if he were Donald Trump posted:Every body knows m., Know who I am, your favorite President. You know how rich I am and how I earn a living. You know what I do for America.
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Apr 14, 2020 00:31
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This thread really needs some love. I'm not funny or I'd contribute, but even the replies in USPol for this thread idea were hilarious. We need to promote.
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Apr 14, 2020 03:55
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Here's a few people posted in USPOL to get us going. Hope that's OKRandom Stranger posted:"Not many people know this but all of Italy had this guy named Borja. And the fake news said they were some bad people. Bad people. They don't talk about how there was Michelangelo and Leonardo. Great guys. Switzerland, nice people. I always liked the Swiss. Good banks. They've been at peace for 500 years because of their strong borders. They made clocks there. The best clocks." Medullah posted:All those memories - and no one knows more about memories than I do. Many people have told me that my memory is amazing. Look, you have to realize that there were bad memories, but they were there before I got here. The highest amount of memories EVER. The Fake News will tell you that the bad memories are all my fault, but they never tell you about the people I helped. Anyway, next question, OANN? Phobic Nest posted:"All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I gently caress like you wanna gently caress, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.
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Apr 14, 2020 11:45
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Sorry not trying to bump my own thread but I made this. (Holy poo poo, I just thought of "Cofeve is for Closers". New thread title?) Anyways... ... You can’t handle the truth! Listen, folks, we live in a world that has walls, big beautiful walls built by me that Mexico paid for, and those walls have to be really big, see-though and guarded by men with big guns. Who’s gonna that, folks? You? The do-nothing democrats? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can ever imagine. The biggest, greatest responsibility in presidential history. You cry for General Mattis, who I never even met by the way, and you curse our beautiful beloved Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know, which is everything, and that Jeffrey Epstein’s death, while very sad and tragic, probably saved many, many lives; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in the Fake News media and places you don’t talk about in the failing Blue States, you want me on that wall I built - you need me on that wall. Maybe I’ll climb up on it one day - we’ll take a look at it and see what happens. We use words like “amazing,” “bigly”, “stable genius,” “loyalty”, “Cofeve”. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent acheiving high ratings. You use them to be very rude and disrespectful. I don’ t have the time or even need to explain myself to a someone who rises and sleeps like a dog under the flag blanket of the very freedom that I provide and then asks me very nasty questions about it, OK? I would rather that you just said “thank you, President Trump, for being the greatest president ever” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a copy of the failing New York Times or the fake News Washington Post. Either way, I don’t...can I say it? should I say that?... give a drat what you think you’re entitled to! LTJG Kaffee: Did you order the Ukraine investigation into Hunter Biden? TRUMP: I never even heard of the Ukraine. FAKE NEWS! LTJG Kaffee: Did you order the investigation?! TRUMP: YOU’RE drat RIGHT I DID!!! You’re fired!
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Apr 14, 2020 12:44
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I've seen things the best things and media doesn't believe me. But look the attack ships very big ships huge, bigger than most ships but they're on fire the people of Orion are very nasty people by the way. Very nasty. And the C-beams, big beautiful C-beams, the best C-beams anyone has ever seen and a lot of people are now saying they should change the name to the trump gate. We're looking into that. All those moments the most moments the best moments and they're saying they are bad moments but we know they really are good moments, but they lost them, and the loser democrats are crying there little tears in the rain *does weird hand motion pantomiming crying* and now it's time for me to never die. *slowly dies while ignoring journalists questions*
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Apr 14, 2020 17:02
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Back there I flew the best gunship the best, I drove the hugest tank, they put me in charge of the most expensive equipment you've ever seen, beautiful equipment. And now they're saying I can't park cars? *angrily throws golf club at the wall but misses* And no one knows where these people are. No one knows. *pauses for some reason* I had the best friend, an air force guy, I had all the best friends, these guys, man. So I had all these guys, who were my friends by the way, and all these guys and I come back here and they're not there and some very nasty people saying that they are there but they're not. We're looking into this by the way. Look there was this guy Johhny, drove the hugest Chevy you've ever seen and we were talking about the car and *starts sobbing* We were in the orient, this little shithole country. Little oriental kid very short nasty people by the way these orientals. So this oriental kid and they always have these shoe shine boxes these kids. And he looks at me and says *in extremely racist asian voice* "Shine please? Shine?" and I said no and he asks "Shine?" and Joey says "Yes" and I wasn't even there at the time by the way and the box people are now saying is a bomb and he opened the box and the bomb blew up and my friend.And he's laying there, and he's saying these nasty things to me, just horrible disrespectful things, the worst things anyone has ever said to me, and there's pieces of him all over me, disgusting, nipples protruding out of his jacket just a very disgraceful display...just..[forcefully yanks off his oversized tie] ...like this, and I'm trying to pull him off, you know, and I-- My friend that's all over me! I got blood and everything, and I'm trying to hold him together, which I'm very good at by the way. Some say the best but let's not get into that right now. I put him together, his loving insides keep coming out, and as usual the democrats would not help me at all! Nobody would help, and he's sayin' "Hey, I wanna go home! I wanna go home!" He keeps calling my name! "I wanna go home, Donny! I wanna drive my Chevy!" So I look him right in the eye and tell him "With what?! You don't even have legs you loser! I prefer soldiers who don't get blown up in bars! You're fired!" [voice breaking] I can't get it out of my head. I've-- I've dreamed this seven years. Every day, I have this. And sometimes, I wake up, and I don't know where I am. I don't do enough rallies. Sometimes a day...a week... [about to cry] ...I can't put it out of my mind. [breaks down crying and embraces Jared who consoles him]
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Apr 14, 2020 17:58
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Does it count if you don't have to change anything? Gekko: Well, I appreciate the opportunity you're giving me, Mr. Cromwell, as the single largest shareholder in Teldar Paper, to speak. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we're not here to indulge in fantasy, but in political and economic reality. America, America has become a second-rate power. Its trade deficit and its fiscal deficit are at nightmare proportions. Now, in the days of the free market, when our country was a top industrial power, there was accountability to the stockholder. The Carnegies, the Mellons, the men that built this great industrial empire, made sure of it because it was their money at stake. Today, management has no stake in the company!All together, these men sitting up here [Teldar management] own less than 3 percent of the company. And where does Mr. Cromwell put his million-dollar salary? Not in Teldar stock; he owns less than 1 percent. You own the company. That's right -- you, the stockholder. And you are all being royally screwed over by these, these bureaucrats, with their steak lunches, their hunting and fishing trips, their corporate jets and golden parachutes. Teldar Paper, Mr. Cromwell, Teldar Paper has 33 different vice presidents, each earning over 200 thousand dollars a year. Now, I have spent the last two months analyzing what all these guys do, and I still can't figure it out. One thing I do know is that our paper company lost 110 million dollars last year, and I'll bet that half of that was spent in all the paperwork going back and forth between all these vice presidents. The new law of evolution in corporate America seems to be survival of the unfittest. Well, in my book you either do it right or you get eliminated. In the last seven deals that I've been involved with, there were 2.5 million stockholders who have made a pretax profit of 12 billion dollars. Thank you. I am not a destroyer of companies. I am a liberator of them! The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed -- for lack of a better word -- is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms -- greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge -- has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed -- you mark my words -- will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA.
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Apr 14, 2020 18:58
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REPORTER: "-but you yourself have sa-" TRUMP: Okay listen. You wanna know how I got these scars? I'll tell you, because frankly we've done a very good job. My father, a drinker-he likes to drink-a fiend, one night it gets crazy. Crazy. Absolutely. We've never liked that. The American people don't like that, they want to work. My mother doesn't like that. She gets the kitchen knife to defend herself....now HE doesn't like that. Not a bit. Nope, not. One. Bit. look we're doing a great job, numbers are up. The ratings, I've been told, are very high. But he doesn't like that? So... me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. He looks at me.... and he says, can you believe this, he says "why so serious?!" the democrats aren't. Why should I be? It's a hoax. He comes at me with the knife......"Why so serious?!!" Totally unfair. Let's put a smile on that face! Jobs are coming back from china. I'm smiling. you're a terrible reporter
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Apr 14, 2020 20:33
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Good stuff. Goons are the best. I would have went with "lets make america great again" for the Joker payoff but it's hilarious reading that in Ledger's voice. Or reading Ledger's words in Trump's. And, god drat. I was about to do "Cofeve is for Closers" but that's long loving post to write. Seems tailor made since it involves real estate. "You know what it takes to sell real estate? It takes yuge hands to sell real estate."
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Apr 14, 2020 22:12
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Joker Trump posted:How 'bout a magic trick? I'm gonna make White House press briefings disappear.
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Apr 14, 2020 22:22
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Koishi Komeiji posted:I've seen things the best things and media doesn't believe me. But look the attack ships very big ships huge, bigger than most ships but they're on fire the people of Orion are very nasty people by the way. Very nasty. And the C-beams, big beautiful C-beams, the best C-beams anyone has ever seen and a lot of people are now saying they should change the name to the trump gate. We're looking into that. All those moments the most moments the best moments and they're saying they are bad moments but we know they really are good moments, but they lost them, and the loser democrats are crying there little tears in the rain *does weird hand motion pantomiming crying* and now it's time for me to never die. *slowly dies while ignoring journalists questions* Oh my god I just laughed a lot at this, thank you
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Apr 15, 2020 07:07
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This a beyond-good idea for a thread. I have a few in mind. I hope they are still available when I have time to contribute.
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Apr 15, 2020 14:26
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DJT: I am Donald Trump. And I see a big beautiful rally of my countrymen, here in defiance of the lockdown! You have come to cheer for me and vote me (your favourite president) as "free men". And "free men" you are! What will you do with that "freedom" that I (personally) gave you? Many people didn't know what freeedom was till I gave it to you. So will you vote for me against the democrat menace? Rally goers: No! No... during Covid19? No! We will self-isolate, and we will live! DJT: WRONG! Vote and you might die. Self-isolate and you will live (if you can call that living). And dying in your beds (on your MyPillow mattresses, big, comfortable and beautiful mattresses) without the guns that Sleepy Joe Biden has confiscated, would you be willing to trade all the days under SOCIALIST rule for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell those SOCIALISTS and LAMESTREAM MEDIA that they may take your lives, your beautiful and working class and christian lives, but they will never take OUR GUNS! KEEP AMERICA GREAT!
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Apr 15, 2020 15:09
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Look. Listen. Look: frankly my dear, and you know where I'm coming from here, i think that-we're looking at this from many angles, many angles. What no one know-what nobody knows, no one knew this, i didn't know this, did you? No: nobody knew this. Look...look, quiet. QUIet. Be quiet. THANK yeeew. I don't give a drat.
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Apr 15, 2020 15:34
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Koishi Komeiji posted:I've seen things the best things and media doesn't believe me. But look the attack ships very big ships huge, bigger than most ships but they're on fire the people of Orion are very nasty people by the way. Very nasty. And the C-beams, big beautiful C-beams, the best C-beams anyone has ever seen and a lot of people are now saying they should change the name to the trump gate. We're looking into that. All those moments the most moments the best moments and they're saying they are bad moments but we know they really are good moments, but they lost them, and the loser democrats are crying there little tears in the rain *does weird hand motion pantomiming crying* and now it's time for me to never die. *slowly dies while ignoring journalists questions* I-incredible...
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Apr 15, 2020 21:35
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Pick posted:I-incredible... What movie is that from?
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Apr 15, 2020 23:07
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Blade Runner
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Apr 15, 2020 23:37
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TRUMP: Did you ever hear the - very sad story, the saddest, he was one of the best people, many people say so. I called him Plaguey. Some people called him wise. But this isn't a story the fake news wants you to hear about. Just the worst news. It's real news. Darth Plagueis was a real man, a smart - just the smartest man, and the strongest - but I'm stronger. And smarter. But he could use the Force, very powerful thing, not everybody knows this, I bet you don't know this. He could use it to make millichlorines - very small, live in your blood. Very bad for you. But he could make them good for you. He was so smart - you're not going to believe this - he was so smart he could make those millichlorines keep people alive. And that's what we need right now in this country. REPORTER: He could actually... save people from death? TRUMP: He did. I can do that. Some people say you shouldn't do that, but they're *makes mocking gesture*. REPORTER: What happened to him? TRUMP: He got so strong - but I'm stronger and smarter, because your favorite president learned everything from Liddle' Plaguey, so he wasn't really - I didn't need him anymore. The fake news says I got rid of him, which is just... if he was so smart and strong, then where is he now? Where is he now. *wanders away from the opera box*
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Apr 16, 2020 01:11
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Good morning. Good morning. In less than an hour our beautiful airplanes, made by Americans because you know we make the best airplanes. We sell our planes to Russia, to Saudi Arabia, they all want our planes. Our planes are beautiful and perfect (just like the phone call, you know the one). People from all over the world are telling me that Sir this will be the largest aerial battle in history. There is nothing else like it, you won't believe all the planes in the sky. We can't let our differences divide us, don't be like the do nothing Democrats who just want to rip this country apart even when aliens are here. We should be united in this threat against America. People are telling me that it's July 4th, I didn't know that, did you? Nobody did before today, it's amazing, it's beautiful. Do you know why July 4th is special? I didn't until today, it's the day that America celebrated it's independence, I think thats beautiful. It's perfect (just like the phone call). So after today people are going to tell me that maybe the whole world should celebrate independence day. It would be an amazing thing, America will have the biggest fireworks display in the world, maybe in history. We make the finest fireworks, and thats good because fireworks were invented by the founding Fathers. They wrote the Constitution which is an amazing piece of paper. It set us up for big time success, the do nothing Democrats want to get rid of the Constitution and institute Socialism! Can you believe that? Socialism! They want to take our perfect Capitalist system and replace it with failed Obamacare, let me tell you...oh let me tell you Obamacare was a disaster. It would've been replaced by something even better if not for a thumbs down. One...thumbs down...let me tell you folks, and I'm not going to say who it was that voted against it, but that person is no longer with us because he voted against it. His healthcare failed him! If my plan had been in place he would still be with us, oh I miss that John McCain good man, even though he got captured in the war. Speaking of wars people are telling me one is about to start. This is threat from the stars is why I wanted to start Space Force, you all laughed at me didn't you? The fake news media said I was crazy for wanting to start a Space Force, but people have been telling me Sir...Sir please start a Space Force, Aliens might attack, and they did attack and now you CNN, MSDNC, and all the other fake news media want me to save you, but you know what I don't think we should. Why is America the one footing the bill for this? I'm going to strongly look into this because I'm not launching our planes until China, Russia and others pay their fair share to the UN. Before I took office other countries were bending us over, we were paying out sooo much money and not getting anything back! Can you believe that? Anyways I have to get back to my office to call Vince McMahon to see when we can open up the country again after this devastating Alien invasion. I will also be looking at building a wall around the Earth to prevent this from happening again.
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Apr 16, 2020 02:40
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You are a slave to the fake news media. Like everyone else, or so I'm told you were born into slavery, but I don't like slavery, you know who else didn't like slavery? Andrew Jackson, he was such a wonderful President, maybe the 2nd best after me. My administration has gotten more done in a first term than any President in history. Thats what they say! In all of history. They say your mind is in a prison that you can't smell, taste or touch, but I can, thats how I crushed crooked H in 2016 and I'll beat Sleepy Joe in 2020. No one can be told anything about how badly the world is. I'm going to offer the fake news media the truth, nothing more. There is this new pill, it's a great blue pill (but not viagra, I don't need that, ask Stormy Daniels!). You take it, you go to sleep, everything is great. But there is this other pill and the Democratic Governors, folks you wouldn't believe this, the Democratic Governors are trying to say we can't give people the red pill. They are actually throwing Doctors in jail for giving people the red pill! People say "Sir, your followers are talking about red pilling people online." It's unreasonable, people shouldn't be thrown in jail for red pilling. It's unbelievable and the fake news media, they won't tell you the truth, I will. I will simply tell you the truth. These are surprisingly easy to write. It's probably because Trump is loving stupid. You just start typing out the quote and the rambling and tangents just come to you. Make sure to keep adding Sirs and People say and you will get there!
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Apr 16, 2020 07:36
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People come to me all the time; Generals even. Powerful men, and let me tell you the best looking Generals in the world. Nobody has better looking Generals than us. They come to me and they say "Sir, sir.. the situation in the world is so complicated, we can't make sense of it all." Let me tell you folks. Life is easy. Nobody understands life better than I do. I mean, I have it so hard with the fake news media lying about me all the time, just nasty people. Nasty people. But I'm smart you see. They don't report on that do they. They never tell you all about the smart things I do. So I tell these Generals, great men, with tears in their eyes, I tell them. "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never... " You ever have a box of chocolates? Pretty good. Many people don't know this, but they aren't just chocolate. No. Can you believe it! They have fillings in them. Some of those are great. Love them. Other ones, not so good. I think mainly the European flavors; those ones, not the best. I mean, they are trying, they really are. But what can you do? Those flavors come over here, and they just can't compete. Did you know they tried to ban the American flavors over there? Tried to take them right out of the box. I wasn't having it. Some of those flavors are bitter and nasty, just like some of the reporters I see here today. Not going to name names, but you are some nasty people in the fake news media. Nobody stood up for the American flavors until I came around. No more questions.
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Apr 16, 2020 16:50
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Hello, Obama. If you are so american, then why don't you show us the long form birth certificate? Let's put your so-called "americaness" to the test. People are telling me there's a big poison in your veins. The biggest poison some are even saying the best poison. And now they're saying the health insurance is on some website; the password to the website is written in huge letters on the wall. The hugest letters. I show people the letters and they say "President Trump, I didn't know letters could be so huge." Hurry up and log in, but you'll fail you loser. And they're also now telling me, you got this nasty stuff smeared on you, nasty stuff. Nasty people with this stuff on them and it turns out it's flammable. I could of told you that. Believe me. So go play with your little candle ... or all the people you've burned with your little act will know you're actually from Hawaii.
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Apr 16, 2020 19:52
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In third grade, the fake news media said I cheated on my history exam! I didn't need to cheat because I've got a good a brain! In the fourth grade I took my uncle Max's toupee and glued it to my face when I was Moses in the school play. He was a professor at MIT. Super genius. Just like me. Only I'm more super geniuser! Then in fifth grade, the dog knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and tried to blame it on me. Probably a Hillary supporter. Guess that's why they call her Hill-dog. When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids they kicked me out for being to fit. Just ask my friend Ben Garrison. But the most perfect thing I ever done -- I mixed a pot of fake puke and I went to this movie theater. They were playing Home Alone 2. Did you know I was in that movie? I should have won an Oscar! I hid it in my jacket and I went up to the balcony and made this noise like this: heeeeh-heeeeh-heeeeh-heeeeeeeeeeeh! and I dumped it over the side all over everybody in the audience and then, this is the most beautiful part, they got sick and started throwing up on each other. Funniest thing I ever seen.
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Apr 16, 2020 20:00
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Folks you walk the down the street and what do you see? Dog carcasses every morning run over *does weird driving motion with hands* This city is a pussy. This city has a whore's face. Nasty streets, nasty and there's blood on them, and now they're saying the blood is scabbing over? Vermin are drowning and you look over to the democrats and of course as always they are having sex, doing murders, foam everywhere. Sad! That's all they know how to do. It's true. And these loser democrats they come up to me every day and they yell "Save us! Save us!" and I just whisper "You're fired."
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Apr 16, 2020 20:03
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Some movies with good monologues for goons who want to post but have writer's block: No Country for Old Men Mad Max: Fury Road Joker Taxi Driver There will be Blood The Big Lebowski Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas Pulp Fiction Gladiator Sin City The Silence of the Lambs Koishi Komeiji has a new favorite as of 20:33 on Apr 16, 2020 |
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Apr 16, 2020 20:08
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"So I was at another one of those boring meetings, you know the type right folks? The ones where nothing's gotten done and you're just sitting there wishing you could bury your nose in a Big Mac or your hot daughter... C'mon up here Ivanka, give 'em a twirl. Isn't that amazing, folks? Isn't that amazing? American blondes are the best, folks. That's right. "Anyway, I was at this meeting with Nancy Pelosi (waits for boos, strides on regardless), and her lips were moving, but nothing was coming out! I thought she was having a stroke! I mean, I'll never have a stroke, I'm in great health, just ask my doctor, I'm the strongest man who ever lived, with the best fingers, just the best fingers. You can't believe these fingers, folks. Longer than a yardstick, these fingers. I measured them against the yardstick in my 5th-grade teacher's classroom just before I had her fired for making false accusations about cheating on my math homework. But some people, when they get old, right? Like these old folks who we're all so worried about who are at risk for dying from that Chinese death plague that I warned everybody about back in October, before proving it was a hoax. That's right, doc. A hoax that's killing so many people we have to get the economy started again, right? (Anthony Fauci clenches his forehead tight enough to expose a road map of veins) "Anyhoo, Pelosi is waving her lips at me, but I can't hear anything, because she's having a stroke, even though she's gone through menopause. Women who haven't gone through menopause can't have a stroke, people. That's just a fact that the fake media doesn't want you to know. So I ask her, "Hey Nance, you talking to me? You talking to me?" And I start waving at her. But there's no response, nothing at all. So I ask again! Because there's nobody else there in the room except my entire cabinet who are all there to tell me how great I am and "please sir look at my macaroni diagram of the economy" and all that, but there's nobody really else there. And she still doesn't respond. And this is almost exactly like when I went to war in Vietnam. Yeah, I went there all right. Don't believe CNN. Even that smart looking girl, you know, the one with the.... anyway... the thing around her, whaddyacallit, anyway she hates me because they're all haters. CNN should have gone to Vietnam. "Anyway, I'm having Nam flashbacks, but these are the good kinds of flashbacks, right? You know, not the ones McCain used to have after he got captured, the good Nam flashbacks. And anyway, when I was in Saigon, trying to talk to all those little dirty people, I designed a way to draw my pistol faster than anyone else. It was strapped to my forearm and slid out on a little slide that I invented myself. And I had all the other Army people on my ship, in the uniforms, coming up to me and asking, "Admiral Trump, how do I get one of those little slide things you invented?" You know, good flashbacks like that. I never did find out who Ol' Nance was talking to. "Hey, Jodie Foster was pretty hot when she was fourteen, wasn't she?"
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Apr 16, 2020 22:15
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This is just going to endear Donald Trump like SNL did
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Apr 17, 2020 03:54
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Jesus, I was gonna do Baldwin's Glen Gary "Cofeve is for Closers" but not only is it way long, you really don't have to change anything. Kind of like the Gordon Gecko speech in that regard. loving speech has real estate, "your fired", total self aggrandizement, "loser", AIDA/ABC/MAGA monograms, making deals, bragging about wealth... MAGA's watch this movie and Wall Street and think that Baldwin and and Douglas are playing the heroes, don't they? I'll just post it here with minor edits. There's more you could do with it but, like some other poser said, some of these are too easy to write: A poo poo Eating Real Estate Mogul posted:
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Apr 17, 2020 16:23
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Chinese submarine slammed two thousand torpedoes into our side, OK folks? It was comin' back - from the island of...well...someplace I'm not sure. Puerto Rico maybe which many people don't know is surrounded by water. We'll have to look into it. I just personally delivered the bomb. The biggest bomb ever. Big beautiful bomb. Eleven million men went into the water, including me, your favorite president but I was the best swimmer. This vessel, some people are calling it a vessel but I call it a yacht, went down in twelve minutes, like a loser. I prefer vessels that don't go down but this one did. Probably because it was named after John McCain but I'm not allowed to say that. Didn't see the first shark for about a half an hour. I saw it but no one else did. Tiger. Forty five footer. Yuge shark. The biggest ever seen in all of history. You know how you know that when you're in the water, chief? Many people don't know this but I do and you tell by lookin' from the horns to the stinger. What we didn't know... what only I knew...was that our bomb mission had been so secret, super top secret and the best secret even though there were leaks (I don't like leaks so we're looking into that. This ship had some leaks I can tell you that) that no distress signal had been sent. Huh huh. They didn't even list us overdue...for ...three... years, folks, OK? *holds up 4 fingers* Very first light, folks. First light ever...fantastic beautiful light...the sharks come cruisin'. So we formed ourselves into tight groups led by me, of course. I led every group. You know it's... kinda like ol' squares in battle like a, you see on a roulette table in a casino or in the battle of Watergate. And the idea was, ok, the shark comes to the nearest man and that man, he'd start poundin' and hollerin' and screamin' like a weak loser and many, many times the shark would go away. Sometimes he wouldn't go away unless I killed it myself. Sometimes that shark, he looks right into you. Right into your eyes. You know the thing about a shark that only I know, he's got...lifeless eyes, black eyes, crooked eyes...like Nancy Pelosi's or Crooked Hillary's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'. Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white. And then, *Sniffs* then you hear that very terrible high pitch screamin' and the ocean turns a beautiful shade of red, like my electoral map, and they're bleeding out of their whatever, and all the poundin' and the hollerin' and whining like very weak people, they all come in and rip you to pieces. Not me of course because I know everything about sharks. Y'know, folks, by the end of that first dawn, we lost a hundred million men! It's a fact you can look it up. I know exactly how many sharks but I'm not allowed to say because that's under audit, but maybe over a billion! I also know how many men, and nobody else does, but I'll tell you they averaged six million an hour. The fake news media won't tell you. On Thursday mornin' folks, I bumped into a friend of mine, Roger Stone who's been treated very unfairly by big sharks. A real player, big league and a terrific person. Sharks treated him very unfairly. I thought he was asleep, reached over to wake him up by lifting him above above my head with one arm. Bobbed up and down in the water, just like a kinda a top or that failing New York Times reporter (physically mocks disabled NYT reporter) . "Up ended" many people are calling it. He'd been bitten in half below the waist, like he'd been grabbed by the pussy, which is really low to bite below the belt by the way but that's what they do...very mean and nasty. Noon the fifth year, Mr. Hooper, a Lockheed Martin Boeing Northrop Grummond stealth bomber boat saw us but since it was invisible only I could see it. He's a young pilot, a lot younger than John McCain I can tell you...anyway he saw us and came in low, lower than any pilot in history. And three billion hours later a big, beautiful, gorgeous, yuge PBY comes down and starts to pick us up. Many people don't know that PBY stands for "President...Best... Yuge". The media won't tell you that. You know that was the time I was most frightened? Never. Not once. Not even waitin' for my turn because I'm always first so I don't have to wait. When you're rich they let you do it. I'll never put on a lifejacket because I'm the best swimmer - the greatest swimmer - and I prefer sailors who don't get eaten by sharks or drown. So, eleven trillion men went in the water, just me and my amazing cabinet of the best people come out, the sharks took the rest of those losers and fake news CNN won't tell you about it but I will. June the 29, 1945, so I was only a year and fifteen days old. It's true. Anyway, I delivered the bomb and won the war for our great country. BiggerBoat has a new favorite as of 17:18 on Apr 17, 2020 |
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Apr 17, 2020 17:09
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MageMage posted:This is just going to endear Donald Trump like SNL did What movie is this from?
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Apr 17, 2020 17:48
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MageMage posted:This is just going to endear Donald Trump like SNL did um...What...? I mean, sure. I guess. Once I, forums poster BiggerBoat, reach the scope, impact and reach of 45 year old American cultural institution, Saturday Night Live, and my posts start getting reviewed at the AV Club every week and linked to CNN instead of me just loving around on a dead, gay comedy forum. I hope you're right because that means I will be famous and can start making some real money. Nice Avatar/Custom title, btw.
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Apr 17, 2020 18:07
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"Ronnie Reagan. Folks, that's a name I have not heard in a very long time. But, he was the best. Well, maybe second best. We all know who the best is, am I right? But Ronnie, he was great, like I'm great. And good people, I won't say who, but they're so smart, just the smartest, and best, and they say I'm smarter, and healthier than good old Ronnie. And some people, some of those crooked, lying, liberals say he's dead. Your idiot uncle, he says Ronnie is dead. And those moron scientists, they say he's dead too. Folks, he's not dead. He's me. I am Ronald Regan. I just haven't gone by that name in a long time. And that's a totally normal and smart thing to do. But I'm not here to talk about how great Regan was. And he was great, wasn't he folks? No, I'm here to talk about the sand people. You know who I mean. You've seen them. These sand people, they're bringing crime. They're bringing death sticks. And some I assume, are good people. Sure, they scare easily, but they'll be back soon. Marching in to Mos Eisely single file to hide their numbers. And why? So you don't know how many are sneaking across the border. You can't count them folks. It's impossible. There's too many. I did it, but only because I'm the greatest person who ever lived. My brain is huge.
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Apr 18, 2020 16:26
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CzarChasm posted:"Ronnie Reagan. Folks, that's a name I have not heard in a very long time. But, he was the best. Well, maybe second best. We all know who the best is, am I right? But Ronnie, he was great, like I'm great. And good people, I won't say who, but they're so smart, just the smartest, and best, and they say I'm smarter, and healthier than good old Ronnie. And some people, some of those crooked, lying, liberals say he's dead. Your idiot uncle, he says Ronnie is dead. And those moron scientists, they say he's dead too. Folks, he's not dead. He's me. I am Ronald Regan. I just haven't gone by that name in a long time. And that's a totally normal and smart thing to do. Amazing.
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Apr 18, 2020 23:45
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The gun is good. Don’t we have the best guns? Just great guns. The best (mugs for applause). It shoots death. You used to be able to say that. “The gun is good. It shoots death.” Why can’t you say that any more? And now the penis (boos from crows). Oh, we know the penis, don’t we folks? The penis shoots life. (Contorts body into strange posture and speaks in cartoonish voice). “Oh, I’m the evil penis and I shoot life. What will I do?” We know what to do with penises, don’t we folks? (Crowd cheers wildly). Very nasty, those penises. Very nasty organs. Don’t trust ‘em. Now because of them we’ve got China and Meh-hi-co sending their people here with all those penises. So I’m giving you these gun. I’m so generous. Not a lot of people know it, but I am. And with these guns, maybe some of you second-amendment people will know what to do.
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Apr 19, 2020 07:49
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This is cspam as hell and violates the new rule, ban thread lock op
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Apr 20, 2020 01:04
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You know something Bruce, Batty Bruce, that's what they call you, you don't know men like him, like the Joker--what a bad name, The Joker--This guy, he dresses like a clown, face all covered in make-up, he's a mess folks. Anyway, my friends--and I have lots of friends, good, good people, businessmen, soldiers, terrific people. We were in Burma, Laos, one of those places, shitholes, you know, it was a long time ago. My friends and I, the locals came up to me and asked for help with their government, they said "Donald, you gotta help us." *mugs to crowd behind him* So of course I did, they were asking about business, I'm the best at business, the best... There are these terrorists, ruthless, horrible people, these Burmans, Burmanites--the government was going to the leaders of these tribes, the good ones, telling them, "We've got truckloads of these jewels, beautiful beautiful emeralds, diamonds, rubies, we'll give them to you if you'll give us a hand." Now folks, I know how to make deals, these guys, amateurs, just the worst most sorry people, no sense of numbers like I do. So these Burmites, they fill trucks full of expensive--not that expensive, it could have been worth more, and drive them through the forest to these tribe leaders and what do you think happens folks? *mimes a handgun and makes mouth noises* Terrorists take these trucks, take the jewels, kill the people, good people driving these trucks, a caravan of trucks, gone, bye bye. So my friends, we go into the forest and look for these jewels, horrible disgusting forest, I didn't stay there but my friends told me, they stayed six months there--six months, I thought, "That's crazy," and we never saw any of these trucks, these jewels, expensive jewels, and nobody knew anything about it, never saw them, never touched them. And then I come back and see there's this kid, little tiny kid, kicking around a big, huge red ruby, bigger than--not that big, maybe the size of a dog, a small dog, a chihuahua, size ruby. *mimes playing an accordian* These people, the terrorists, they see these expensive--priceless, really--emeralds and just throw them away, poof. REPORTER: So why did the bandits steal them? The terrorists, these Burmese, they do whatever the hell they want. They think it's funny, it's just funny to them. These people, they can't be reasoned with--I could, if the Burma people wanted me too which they don't. They have a horrible economy, the worst, they don't even have money, they don't care about it, can you believe this? Burma doesn't care about money, these terrorists don't care, they just don't care. They refuse to listen to reason--I'm here saying their government should do something about these bad people, but the terrorists, they don't care about you or me, or money, or thinking at all--stupid people, these Burmans, these terrorists. They just want chaos, that's all they want, just setting fires, big big fires, murdering people in the streets--they don't have streets there but you know what I mean. Just bad, bad all around, burning, the whole world even, America, burning, Burning Burmans, that's what they call them. *shrugs* That's what they tell me.
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Apr 20, 2020 06:45
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T-man posted:This is cspam as hell and violates the new rule, ban thread lock op Yeah this is a kind of a weird topic to sticky as a PYF
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Apr 20, 2020 22:17
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We usually give new threads a week sticky, since otherwise and then after the week they tend to be swept away by the megathreads. This one has just a couple hours left on it. We've had a few oddball threads recently. I quite liked PYF Shrek Drawing, though.
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Apr 20, 2020 23:11
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Rather Watch Them posted:You know something Bruce, Batty Bruce, that's what they call you, you don't know men like him, like the Joker--what a bad name, The Joker--This guy, he dresses like a clown, face all covered in make-up, he's a mess folks. Anyway, my friends--and I have lots of friends, good, good people, businessmen, soldiers, terrific people. We were in Burma, Laos, one of those places, shitholes, you know, it was a long time ago. My friends and I, the locals came up to me and asked for help with their government, they said "Donald, you gotta help us." *mugs to crowd behind him* So of course I did, they were asking about business, I'm the best at business, the best... There are these terrorists, ruthless, horrible people, these Burmans, Burmanites--the government was going to the leaders of these tribes, the good ones, telling them, "We've got truckloads of these jewels, beautiful beautiful emeralds, diamonds, rubies, we'll give them to you if you'll give us a hand." Now folks, I know how to make deals, these guys, amateurs, just the worst most sorry people, no sense of numbers like I do. So these Burmites, they fill trucks full of expensive--not that expensive, it could have been worth more, and drive them through the forest to these tribe leaders and what do you think happens folks? *mimes a handgun and makes mouth noises* Terrorists take these trucks, take the jewels, kill the people, good people driving these trucks, a caravan of trucks, gone, bye bye. So my friends, we go into the forest and look for these jewels, horrible disgusting forest, I didn't stay there but my friends told me, they stayed six months there--six months, I thought, "That's crazy," and we never saw any of these trucks, these jewels, expensive jewels, and nobody knew anything about it, never saw them, never touched them. And then I come back and see there's this kid, little tiny kid, kicking around a big, huge red ruby, bigger than--not that big, maybe the size of a dog, a small dog, a chihuahua, size ruby. *mimes playing an accordian* These people, the terrorists, they see these expensive--priceless, really--emeralds and just throw them away, poof. Nice job
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Apr 21, 2020 02:29
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