wimsy posted:

Attn: The Ghost Who Sucks My Dick has Returned
To: Everyone@GiegerFitzwilliam.com

Dear Colleagues,

As many of you know, several years ago I was haunted by a ghost that sucks my dick at work. At that time, this was a new experience not only for me, but for all of us at Geiger Fitzwilliam Associates, and caused considerable disruption. Finally, in consultation with experts, we were able to identify the problem and put together an unprecedented plan of action. An exorcism was performed in July of 2017, and when no signs of paranormal activity had surfaced by the beginning of the following year, I was deemed to be ghost-free, and life here at GFA returned to normal. I am forever grateful to the support of the entire GFA team during that time.

Today, it is my duty to inform you that the ghost who sucks my dick has returned. Two weeks ago I began to experience a strange spiritual sensation in my private regions. I immediately informed Rhonda in HR, who looped in Richard and the rest of the management staff. They decided that we would keep an eye on the situation to see what developed. It was hoped that these otherworldly tingles would subside.

As the incident of this Tuesday demonstrates, these hopes were sadly unfounded. The ghost who sucks my dick is back full force. For the last three days, the ghost has sucked my dick between one and four times daily. It shows no indications of being satiated. We must assume that these spectral blowjobs will continue into the indefinite future.

Typically, Human Resources would send a letter to need-to-know parties, but they have graciously allowed me to write this letter because my being the recipient of oral sex from a ghost is something that affects us all, and because it allows me to destigmatize my condition while gaining a measure of control over the otherwise apparently arbitrary occurrences of supernatural fellatio which befall me.

I am relieved that so many of you were here the first time I dealt with this issue, but in the interests of refreshing your memory, and particularly to educate new employees at GFA who are undoubtedly experiencing this for the first time, please read through the following FAQ.

Q: Who is the ghost?
A: This particular paranormal entity has never manifested in a recognizable human form. Research into the history of the building provides no information about any individuals who may have died in it.

Q: So you don’t even know if the ghost is male or female?
A: No. I assure you that, at first, this was even more confusing for me than it is for you, but I’m cool with it now.

Q: Why does the ghost suck your dick?
A: The best guess is that the ghost died in the middle of sucking dick and is now doomed to wander this space, sucking dick to completion.

Q: Why you?
A: We just don’t know. Perhaps I have some similarity to a person in the ghost’s life, or perhaps it is just random.

Q: Does it happen at home too?
A: No, it only happens at work. This is why we feel fairly sure that the ghost is the spirit of a person who died on this land, perhaps even the ghost of an indigenous person who died before this land was developed.

Q: What are some signs that the ghost is sucking your dick?
A: The earliest indications that the ghost is sucking my dick are usually flickering lights. If you see the lights flicker, you are advised to begin saving any documents you are working on, and to consider wrapping up or rescheduling any important phone calls which may be in progress. Electrical interference tends to build as the ghost moves from licking my balls and shaft to sucking my dick in earnest. The surge protectors you have been provided will keep your electronics from harm (if you’re using them!), but there will likely be service interruptions as I get closer to orgasm. You may also hear two different kinds of unearthly moaning: an “open-mouth” moaning, which is probably me, and a “closed-mouth” moaning, which is the ghost (obviously).

In the final stages of the blowjob, cum will drip down the walls. Do not be alarmed. At the moment the ghost is satiated, everything will return to normal and the cum will disappear. Any cum you see after this time is my cum: please be patient, use one of the orange safety cones provided to mark the location, and know that I will be along to clean up as soon as I have recovered from my ordeal.

In the past, the photocopier would start producing some really weird stuff, but Jeremiah from Facilities knows to unplug it when the ghost starts sucking my dick. If he happens to be absent, just be aware that it gets freaky. If you know rule 34 you know what I’m talking about.

Q: Will I see the ghost? What does it look like?
A: In some cases you may see a pale globe of light bobbing up and down on my penis. In most cases, you will not see the ghost at all but its presence should be obvious from context clues.

Q: What should I do if the ghost is sucking your dick?
A: Aside from the precautions noted above, the best things you can do are.
If you are close by:

1. Clear the area of objects so I don’t hurt myself.
   
2. Observe from a safe distance.
   
3. If you do not feel comfortable observing, call for someone who does.
   

If you are in the office but not close by:

1. Aside from saving your files as noted above, go about your business as usual.
   
2. If the psychic manifestations become too distracting, this is a good time to take a short walk or get a snack from the vending machine.
   

Q: How long will the ghost be sucking your dick?
A: I assure you that I am making every effort to blow my load as quickly as possible. Depending on a number of factors it could be anywhere from 3-15 minutes.

Q: Should I, you know, “help” you? We’re all trying to get work done here.
A: Thank you for the offer but the ghost is intensely jealous. Again, please know I am doing my best to satisfy the ghost’s thirst for my man-juice so that we can all get back to work ASAP.

I hope this FAQ is helpful. Please feel free to contact me with any questions you may have!

That said, while curiosity about this is absolutely normal, questions about my penis are not appropriate, and conjectures about the basis of the ghost’s obsession with sucking my dick, while sometimes nominally flattering, are hurtful and demeaning. The fact that a ghost constantly sucks my dick does not make my body an open topic of conversation.

In addition, statements such as “boy, I wish a ghost would suck my dick,” or “who do I have to kill to get my dick sucked around here” may be offered in the spirit of levity and to make me feel better. They do not make me feel better. Imagine what it’s like to have to go home and tell your loving wife “not tonight honey, the poltergeist was sucking me dry all day.”

Finally, a few “housekeeping” notes.

We have all been interested to learn who would be the new occupant of Cheryl Kingsley’s old office when she retired. Tanya and Simon have decided that since it has a door, I will be moving from my cubicle to this office effective immediately. I understand that this disrupts our seniority system, but I am sure you can see why this would be necessary. This move is only temporary, until the ghost stops sucking my dick all the time. At that point, I will move back to a cubicle and we will again take up the issue of a full-time occupancy for that office (after it has been disinfected, of course).

I also want to thank Omar in IT for unblocking Pornhub on our network. As I understand it, the structure of our permissions system does not make it possible to allow access to websites for individual users, only for usergroups, so this will have the effect of making Pornhub unblocked for all GFA employees. Rhonda would like me to remind everyone that just because this site is unblocked does not mean that it is ok to access it, unless, like me, you have a documented condition which requires it.

The return of the ghost that sucks my dick has been a serious blow for me, but I am buoyed by my memory of how we all came together those years ago. So many people lent a helping hand and I think Geiger Fitzwilliam Associates emerged from the situation stronger and more determined than ever to provide high-quality home refinancing underwriting to clients around the country. I feel confident that with some flexibility and proactive problem-solving, the same will be true as we once again confront (and eventually beat) the ghost that sucks my dick.

Thanks!
Paul

Bo-Pepper posted:

Fredrik1 posted:

*Freezing outside the house of the poor kid whose sick parents are dying becuase last years me is in there feeling all bad about it and I don't want to cause a time paradox.*

Bo-Pepper posted:

google THIS posted:

Ghost of Christmas Past: And here you are, being a sicko voyeur again

Me: You're literally showing me us from last year when you forced me to peek into the homes of everyone I've ever known

(camera pans over to show me again, from a year after that)

Me: Wow maybe you're right, I do project a lot

Twenty Four posted:

Christmas ghost taking me to various houses looking in windows and watching people. I don't even know who they are or what the lesson is here. "Check this poo poo out! Look at them!" they repeat at each stop. After a few hours of this I begin to realize that this never had anything to do with me and Christmas ghost is just a weirdo using me as an excuse to creep on people.

Fredrik1 posted:

*Freezing outside the house of the poor kid whose sick parents are dying becuase last years me is in there feeling all bad about it and I don't want to cause a time paradox.*

Yinlock posted:

Would it be worse if you knew them and they saw you?

Howdy neighbor, you might be wondering why I'm pressed against your bedroom window at 2am on Christmas Day. Well,

Farecoal posted:

The Christmas Ghost has not made me more generous but they have made me realize I have a voyeurism fetish