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I’ve been pulling off double shifts at the toilet store, busting my rear end, and now it’s finally all settled. You see, I was picked for a contestant on Jeopardy! and man, I thought I had that poo poo in the bag. God I was so nervous for the show. I toked up a fatty by the loading dock beforehand, and as I was walking by the green room a bloke waved me in. They were passing around a decorative silver mirror with chopped up caffeine pills on it, coffee maker was busted. Probably a prop from Days of our Lives or something. I had heard rumors of Alex Trebeck being a wildman off set and I wanted to live up to the image. No sooner do I blast a rail off this thing does Trebeck amble in behind me, gently grasping my shoulders, and leans in with a breathy note, breath smelling of tic tacs and cottage cheese, and says to me “be sure you can handle your drugs, fella”. I almost poo poo, but tightened my sphincter and with resolved constitution entered into a zone of lazer focused awareness. I felt confident, like all the scholastic, rhetorical, and trivial knowledge of my life was osmotically being an absorbed into my body like a warm, radiant light. I walked out onto the set and it felt like everything was destiny, like I had the prowess of a lion and the muted cheers would carry me to a higher realm of gameplay. Well you know what? Apparently “what are the dark arts?” is not the answer to every Jeopardy question. Yeah I am extremely good on the buzzer, I click a pen all day at my receptionist job at the 24 hour toilet store. Total domination of the board, dangerous levels of abstract reasoning while stoned. Turns out Jeopardy! is really about their money. I ended up about $22k in debt to the show from all the wrong answers, in addition to my outburst when I couldn’t participate in the Daily Double. Trebeck was backstage and gracious enough to let me sign up for a payment plan. I knew the next few years were going to be hell at the Toilet Store, but I actually feared this tall Canadian man’s wrath a little. And with good reason. After the show he would just pop up places I go. I’d be riding my bike in the mornings and he would cut me off at the same place in his grey joggers and hood and wave to me. When I was eating some moons over my hammy at Dennys he would come in and run the back of his hand gently on the nape of my neck. I had to call him “mr trebeck” if I ever had anything to say to him. Happy to say I can call him Alex now. I don’t see him anywhere near as often lately. Sometimes I still watch jeopardy! and think about things. I saw Alex in the mall and got up the courage to walk over and talk to him. The only words could think of were “what are the dark arts, alex?” To which he replied “if ya gotta ask you’ll never know”  
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May 17, 2023 15:12
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| # ? Apr 28, 2024 00:25 |
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Simpsons did it first https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-_hcC3lRds&t=9s
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May 17, 2023 15:19
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Pay Trebeck or get wrecked 
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May 17, 2023 15:21
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Hey, what are the high volume sellers at the toilet store anyway? I've been hoping Herman Miller would finally get in on that game, I could really use some lumbar support on those days when the plumbing's a bit backed up, if you catch my drift. I'm guessing you make most of the real money off upsells to bidets and taint swizzlers and that kind of thing?
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May 17, 2023 15:21
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Taint Swizzler? I thought they closed that place down!
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May 17, 2023 15:22
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you're no hakan
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May 17, 2023 15:23
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why does Jeopardy have a loading dock
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May 17, 2023 15:30
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Jillian poo poo posted:Simpsons did it first Son of a bitch. 
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May 17, 2023 15:32
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tell alex he owes me 3.5g of decent weed
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May 17, 2023 15:39
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Panic! At The Tesco posted:tell alex he owes me 3.5g of decent weed Be careful, he is deep into the dark arts. 
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May 17, 2023 15:43
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wb CB (:
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May 17, 2023 15:47
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You should attack Trebek physically with you fists and gnashing teeth, OP.
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May 17, 2023 15:52
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Alex Trebek is dead, I regret to inform you
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May 17, 2023 15:57
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Peggy Edson posted:Alex Trebek is dead, I regret to inform you Have you seen his body or do you just blindly believe what the media tells you?
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May 17, 2023 16:00
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Peggy Edson posted:Alex Trebek is dead, I regret to inform you Then who the gently caress did I just give 22K to? GODDAMN YOU DARK ARTS!!! 
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May 17, 2023 16:04
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lol cb came off his 30 day absolutely raring to go
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May 17, 2023 16:12
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the dark farts lol
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May 17, 2023 16:16
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You guys know nothing of the dark arts  , and I pity you.
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May 17, 2023 16:32
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hot cocoa on the couch posted:lol cb came off his 30 day absolutely raring to go yeah but ClamdestineBoyster posted:Happy to say I can call him Alex now. I don’t see him anywhere near as often lately. Sometimes I still watch jeopardy! and think about things. I saw Alex in the mall and got up the courage to walk over and talk to him. The only words could think of were “what are the dark arts, alex?” To which he replied “if ya gotta ask you’ll never know” is a hopeful end to the story and I think if we break it down Clammy's telling us he got some medication and is doing much better
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May 17, 2023 16:32
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LaserPrinter69 posted:why does Jeopardy have a loading dock well they can't exactly grow answers in the back lot, the climate's all wrong
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May 17, 2023 16:35
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"I'll try something awful for $400, Alex." THE PINK FORUM "What is DPPH?" "Correct"
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May 17, 2023 16:36
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jimmy pardo should host jeopardy because then you could call it jimpardoy
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May 17, 2023 16:51
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Alex is just preparing clam to be Jeopardy’s next host, which is a move of pure genius imo
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May 17, 2023 17:37
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ClamdestineBoyster posted:Then who the gently caress did I just give 22K to? GODDAMN YOU DARK ARTS!!! You probably gave the money to Alek Trebex. Real rookie mistake there.
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May 17, 2023 17:49
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BAGS FLY AT NOON posted:Alex is just preparing clam to be Jeopardy’s next host, which is a move of pure genius imo Yeah the contestants will be all like “uhuhuh bwuhhuh what is Boston, MA?” And I’ll be like “what you don’t know you loving idiot? The answer is right up there on the loving board, they already gave you the answer. Stop asking me questions you loving tit.” 
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May 17, 2023 18:16
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LaserPrinter69 posted:why does Jeopardy have a loading dock There are like 33 TVs they gotta schlep every time.
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May 17, 2023 18:19
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William Henry Hairytaint posted:yeah but oh for sure. that much is clear
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May 17, 2023 18:22
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This is the most legible Clam post I have ever read.
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May 17, 2023 18:25
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William Henry Hairytaint posted:Taint Swizzler? I thought they closed that place down! Don’t worry, pal, I’m sure your loyalty card is still valid
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May 17, 2023 19:29
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Why does the 24 hr toilet store have a receptionist
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May 17, 2023 19:31
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William Henry Hairytaint posted:yeah but you love to see it
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May 17, 2023 19:31
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Order for Mr Trebek, its 1000 lbs of sod from the siam sod center. sold by mr ari hashimoto. UPS trucks inbound.
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May 17, 2023 19:33
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numberoneposter posted:Order for Mr Trebek, its 1000 lbs of sod from the siam sod center. sold by mr ari hashimoto. UPS trucks inbound.
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May 17, 2023 19:34
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You also need the digit function on point reflexively. Doink!
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May 17, 2023 19:34
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AARD VARKMAN posted:Why does the 24 hr toilet store have a receptionist Guaranteed pickup within two rings or the first flush is free
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May 17, 2023 19:50
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| # ? Apr 28, 2024 00:25 |
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AARD VARKMAN posted:Why does the 24 hr toilet store have a receptionist By appointment only. (We let you try b4 u buy!) 
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May 17, 2023 22:51
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