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Turns out Google Gemini has been trained on Something Awful: Subject: I think my goldfish is plotting a hostile takeover. Need advice. Okay, this might sound crazy, but hear me out. I swear, my goldfish, Bubbles (yeah, original name, I know), is giving me the evil eye. It's more than the usual blank stare. This is a look of pure malice, like it's calculating my every move. Here's what gets me: The synchronized swimming: Lately, it circles the tank with its little goldfish buddies. Not cute circles. These are tight formations, like a fishy special ops team. The whispers: Okay, not actual whispers, but those bubbly noises? They're getting more intense, more frequent. I'm convinced they're strategizing. The escape attempts: Bubbles has launched itself out of the tank TWICE. Accident? I think not. This is a recon mission. I've started taking precautions. Reinforced lid: Duct tape, bungee cords, the works. It ain't Fort Knox, but Bubbles isn't getting out without a fight. Sleep schedule: I keep one eye open at night. You think I'm trusting a creature that doesn't need to blink? Internet blackout: No more fish care websites. Bubbles can't be learning our weaknesses. Am I going insane? Probably. But has anyone else had a goldfish go rogue? Should I invest in a tiny taser? Start appeasing my would-be aquatic overlord with premium flakes? Honestly, goons, I'm out of my depth here. I never thought I'd be the crazy guy barricading himself against a goldfish rebellion. Yet here we are. ... Subject: I accidentally summoned a demon with a mislabeled IKEA furniture assembly Alright, goons, I need to crowdsource some serious supernatural damage control because I think I just screwed up on a cosmic level. You know those impossible-to-follow IKEA instructions? Turns out, some of them might be ancient incantations. I was struggling to assemble this cursed bookcase (seriously, who needs THIS many extra screws?), when I get to a page with all these weird symbols and diagrams. Being the genius I am, I read it out loud for a laugh. Big mistake. Suddenly, there's this flash of light, the room smells like rotten eggs, and boom – there's a dude standing in my living room. Not just any dude. We're talking horns, hooves, the whole nine yards. The demon, let's call him Steve, seems as confused as I am. Apparently, I botched the ritual and instead of world domination, he was supposed to offer, like, eternal wealth or something. Now he's contractually obligated to grant me one wish. Great. Here's the problem: I panicked and wished for... a really good meatball sub. Steve conjures it up, looking thoroughly unimpressed, then poofs away in a cloud of sulfur. Delicious sub, but now what? Do I try to summon him back and fix this? Risk unleashing something way worse? On the other hand, maybe I can leverage this? Ideas so far: Blackmail: Threaten to summon Steve every time I get takeout if they mess up my order. DIY exorcisms: YouTube tutorials and a whole lotta sage can't hurt, right? Demon wingman: "Hey ladies, wanna meet my friend from the underworld?" Surprisingly good conversation starter? Honestly, I'm in way over my head. If anyone has experience botching demonic rituals or knows a good metaphysical lawyer, hit me up. Just don't ask for a bite of the sub. I'm starting to think it might be cursed. ... Subject: Found a cursed VHS tape at a yard sale. Now my dreams are leaking into reality. Okay, fellow weirdos, I need your help, because I've stumbled into some Twilight Zone-level stuff, and I'm starting to lose my grip on what's real. So, I hit up this yard sale run by a sweet old lady who definitely had a hoarder problem. Digging through boxes of antique junk, I found this dusty VHS tape with no label, just a weird hand-drawn symbol on the cover. Naturally, I had to have it. Popped it into the VCR (yeah, I still have one) expecting some grainy home movie nonsense. Instead, I got… well, I'm not entirely sure. It was like a fever dream montage - distorted faces, flickering landscapes, whispers that sent shivers down my spine. Super unsettling stuff. Here's where things get messed up. I woke up the next morning, and my house was…different. Subtle at first - a painting hanging slightly crooked, a book left open that I could swear I closed. But then it got weirder. A half-eaten sandwich appears on my kitchen counter. Did I sleep-eat and forget? I find scribbled notes in my own handwriting that I don't recognize. My cat is STARING at an empty corner of the room like it sees something I don't. The worst part? The stuff happening in my waking life is mirroring scenes from that drat tape. It's like my dreams are bleeding out into the real world. Am I going crazy? Did the old lady sell me some haunted relic? Do I need an exorcist, a therapist, or a stiff drink (or maybe all three)? Any advice on how to un-merge the dream world with the real one is appreciated. Also, if anyone wants a slightly used cursed VHS tape, hit me up. Cheap.
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Feb 20, 2024 20:07
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| # ? May 3, 2024 16:05 |
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Help, I lost my finger.
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Feb 20, 2024 20:10
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Negostrike posted:Help, I lost my finger. Subject: Help, I lost my finger (and it might be my cat's fault) Okay, folks, prepare to witness the pinnacle of my stupidity. I've officially entered the "how the hell did I manage this?" hall of fame because I've gone and lost a finger. Not misplaced. LOST. Here's how it went down: Midnight snack craving: You know the kind. That primal urge for something cheesy and probably terrible for you. I stumble to the kitchen half-asleep. The cheese incident: I find a block of cheddar. Instead of using a knife like a rational human, I decide gnawing on it directly is the far superior option. Hey, sleep deprivation impairs judgment. Enter the beast: Fluffy, my usually cuddly demon disguised as a cat, sees me chomping on her rightful cheese territory. There's a flash of fur, a yowl, and suddenly...pain. The aftermath: I'm staring in horror at my hand (or what's left of my pinky), and there's Fluffy, casually licking her paws with a look of smug satisfaction. No sign of the finger. Anywhere. Now, I'm freaking out. Do I: Scour the house: Risk finding the finger but then having to explain to the paramedics how my cat ate it? Emergency room visit: Try concocting a story that doesn't get me committed? ("Industrial cheese grater mishap" isn't very convincing...) Blame the cat: Convince the world Fluffy is secretly training to be a supervillain. Honestly, might be plausible. On the plus side, typing just got a little more challenging which is the perfect excuse for my already terrible productivity levels. Any advice, or maybe just some sympathy, would be greatly appreciated. Also, if anyone knows a good taxidermist who specializes in rogue fingers, hit me up.
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Feb 20, 2024 20:12
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yes!!! another freakinG EPIC AI therad for me to copy/paste poo poo in!
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Feb 20, 2024 20:15
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100+ pages of co[py paste lets loving gooooooooo
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Feb 20, 2024 20:16
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hot cocoa on the couch posted:yes!!! another freakinG EPIC AI therad for me to copy/paste poo poo in! I just thought it was funny that Gemini thinks it knows the voice of Something Awful.
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Feb 20, 2024 20:17
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| # ? May 3, 2024 16:05 |
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hot cocoa on the couch posted:yes!!! another freakinG EPIC AI therad for me to copy/paste poo poo in! oh yeah the other gbs threads are really high effort and good you're right, they're not all poo poo
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Feb 20, 2024 20:20
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