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It sounds like it would be easier to change his Fidelity passwords and then give him $1k (or whatever) to play with at Vanguard instead
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Apr 15, 2024 15:23
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i like nice words
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Anne Whateley posted:It sounds like it would be easier to change his Fidelity passwords and then give him $1k (or whatever) to play with at Vanguard instead Change management on stuff like that is uh, challenging
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Apr 15, 2024 15:32
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I’m assuming he’s consenting, because if not, trying to get Fidelity to remove features from his account seems like a total nonstarter
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Apr 15, 2024 15:40
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Anne Whateley posted:I’m assuming he’s consenting, because if not, trying to get Fidelity to remove features from his account seems like a total nonstarter Yeah he's very amenable, and understands his memory isn't what it used to be.
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Apr 15, 2024 15:46
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In that case I would definitely just do it at different brokerages. If he’s used to Fidelity, pull everything else out and put it at Vanguard, and let him keep playing with $1k or 1% or whatever is an easily loseable amount for your family. Additional content: I’m currently listening to my mom on the phone with her brokerage. - She’s trying to time the market - (“because society will collapse when there’s a world war after the election is stolen again”) - And not only is she pulling everything that she and my dad combined have ever saved (not much lol) out of her 401k a few years before retirement - She’s putting it into a 1% interest rate savings account
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Apr 15, 2024 16:08
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Let's talk about real solutions: it's not blocking them from brokerage accounts, it's adding parental controls to prevent them from watching fox news and whatever other doomloop entertainment media they've been consuming.
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Apr 15, 2024 16:14
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I wonder what the guy on the other side of the phone thought hearing me yell “ASK ABOUT BONDS” in the background. Mom claims they don’t offer treasury bonds. Then I asked her why not at least put it in a HYSA and she explained she’s not allowed to take anything out of her 401k yet, she’s too young and there would be huge penalties. (She’s 69 and has been fully vested for 20+ years.) The reliablest narrator
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Apr 15, 2024 16:17
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Anne Whateley posted:In that case I would definitely just do it at different brokerages. If he’s used to Fidelity, pull everything else out and put it at Vanguard, and let him keep playing with $1k or 1% or whatever is an easily loseable amount for your family. This is a great idea.
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Apr 15, 2024 16:24
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While I was typing my mom decided to dick around in the yard with an extremely rusty electric hedgetrimmer and managed to give herself a pretty good cut on one arm and another on the opposite knee. Heading off to get stitches and a Tdap update (I know tetanus doesn’t come from rust). This is a great visit that definitely makes me feel comfortable about leaving my parents alone
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Apr 15, 2024 17:03
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I’ve got to travel across the country with my 85 year old father and my 82 year old mother. I’m really nervous about my dad, because when he gets stressed or has too much movement, he has continence issues. Of course, he refuses to wear any sort of depends or anything like that. I can bring some extra underwear with me, but I’m really not sure how to deal with it if he “doesn’t make it” to the airplane bathroom. He can’t clean himself up, but there’s no room for two people in there. We don’t really have time during the layover to stop and clean him either. I would refuse to go unless he’s wearing the correct kind of underwear, but then it’ll be my fault that he didn’t show up to my brother’s wedding. Anyone know good travel resources for the elderly or tips for dealing with this kind of thing?
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Apr 15, 2024 18:13
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You should be able to ask the broker to downgrade the options level or just remove it altogether. But of course your dad can just ask for it back. However, I would think if you have a conversation with them, they would probably note in the account to only do so if *extremely* pressed. And if you get your email added for all the account alerts/notifications, you should see when that happens. Along with keeping an eye on his trades. But yah, moving his "active trading" stuff over to a separate account or even an entirely different brokerage sounds like a good idea too. FizFashizzle posted:You can also wait for him to get a UTI and require hospitalization. I don’t mean to be morbid but it’s only a matter of time. Confused a bit on this - are you saying that just getting a UTI is evidence enough that they are having trouble taking care of themselves, and you can take that to a judge? I'm guessing this is HIGHLY judge dependent? I'm guessing the judge will want to have an actual conversation with your parent? And this would devolve pretty rapidly to a very confrontational situation, given that they haven't agreed to voluntarily give you POA. We were trying to wargame this out a bit because mom would threaten to remove POA every now and then. And because she was actually really coherent in short conversations, we figured it was going to be a real struggle. Smart people can hide the decline for a long time, it's only when you know what's going on and the actual backstory that it's like "holy poo poo everything you are talking about is actually nonsense", heh. I mean, I would just take her on an extremely short walk, across the street to the bench across from the nursing home, and she wouldn't be able to find her way back. But she could still talk an *excellent* game. "No mom, you can't go back to live in the woods again, because you can't find your way back to your bed after walking a couple hundred feet" Then she got all angry and said yah I can, and hit the emergency button around her neck. Lol, fair play mom.
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Apr 15, 2024 18:13
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Domus posted:I’ve got to travel across the country with my 85 year old father and my 82 year old mother. I’m really nervous about my dad, because when he gets stressed or has too much movement, he has continence issues. Of course, he refuses to wear any sort of depends or anything like that. I can bring some extra underwear with me, but I’m really not sure how to deal with it if he “doesn’t make it” to the airplane bathroom. He can’t clean himself up, but there’s no room for two people in there. We don’t really have time during the layover to stop and clean him either. I would refuse to go unless he’s wearing the correct kind of underwear, but then it’ll be my fault that he didn’t show up to my brother’s wedding. Anyone know good travel resources for the elderly or tips for dealing with this kind of thing? Do you have to fly? Is Amtrak an option?
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Apr 15, 2024 18:14
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Baddog posted:Confused a bit on this - are you saying that just getting a UTI is evidence enough that they are having trouble taking care of themselves, and you can take that to a judge? I'm guessing this is HIGHLY judge dependent?
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Apr 15, 2024 19:29
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Domus posted:I’ve got to travel across the country with my 85 year old father and my 82 year old mother. I’m really nervous about my dad, because when he gets stressed or has too much movement, he has continence issues. Of course, he refuses to wear any sort of depends or anything like that. I can bring some extra underwear with me, but I’m really not sure how to deal with it if he “doesn’t make it” to the airplane bathroom. He can’t clean himself up, but there’s no room for two people in there. We don’t really have time during the layover to stop and clean him either. I would refuse to go unless he’s wearing the correct kind of underwear, but then it’ll be my fault that he didn’t show up to my brother’s wedding. Anyone know good travel resources for the elderly or tips for dealing with this kind of thing? Would he wear the new type of washable incontinence underwear they make nowadays? They look just like tightie whities or w/e your dad likes to wear (even boxers!) but are extra absorbent for emergencies. like these: https://www.amazon.com/Incontinence...ps%2C112&sr=8-5
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Apr 15, 2024 19:36
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Anne Whateley posted:It’s not “unable to care for themselves -> UTI,” it’s “UTI -> 11/10 dementia in olds for some reason -> ER” After caring for my dad with Alzheimer's, I can confirm that dementia severely impacts one's ability to maintain hygiene. We switched him to adult diapers when he became incontinent and even changing them multiple times a day he still got a UTI and had to be brought to the ER and admitted. He lost the ability to wipe his rear end and wash his hands properly, and my mom and I had to bathe him because he'd just stand in the shower for a while and get out without soaping up if we didn't supervise him. Dementia is a nightmare. I hope I can opt to be turned into soylent green instead if I get diagnosed with it.
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Apr 15, 2024 20:36
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Kiss Kiss Bang Bang posted:Would he wear the new type of washable incontinence underwear they make nowadays? They look just like tightie whities or w/e your dad likes to wear (even boxers!) but are extra absorbent for emergencies. Well, I don’t think he’d be willing, but it’s always worth a shot. I would imagine it’s pretty obvious what they’re for, though, that’s the problem. His stupid ego won’t let him admit he’s an old man with typical old man problems. Maybe I can pack a couple of those as spares, at least. And yeah, we have to fly, I’m missing too much work as it is…
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Apr 15, 2024 22:34
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SamDabbers posted:Dementia is a nightmare. I hope I can opt to be turned into soylent green instead if I get diagnosed with it. Both my grandfathers went out with it and my dad is a few steps down the path so I'm not exactly pumped about my prospects after about 70 either. Feels bad man.
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Apr 15, 2024 23:51
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Midjack posted:Both my grandfathers went out with it and my dad is a few steps down the path so I'm not exactly pumped about my prospects after about 70 either. Feels bad man. Not to make a grim subject darker but..both my Mil and Fil have DNR (do not resuscitate). She was successfully able to use hers when she went, but of course dad has the iron constitution of a bull. His new General Practitioner danced around the subject when I first took him in to be seen. I can understand it's a prickly subject in some families but not my husbands. His dad and mom had made very clear they wanted the end to be swift and free from hassle. Of course now that its just him, it's nothing but hassle. He did not want to live like this. Following that train of thought I wondered if the trends in medically assisted end of life allowed for people to set an alzheimer's "if i get here i want to euth" clause. From my 2 mins of google it appears that Dementia is the one slippery slope illness that's not really covered. People have to decide to euth so early in the disease that they aren't ready and by the time they are ready they are no longer regarded competent to be allowed to.
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Apr 16, 2024 13:40
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"Terry Pratchett: Choosing to Die" is a very good treatment of the subject
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Apr 16, 2024 15:06
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Kiss Kiss Bang Bang posted:Not to make a grim subject darker but..both my Mil and Fil have DNR (do not resuscitate). She was successfully able to use hers when she went, but of course dad has the iron constitution of a bull. I'm actually gonna spoiler this because it's pretty grim, so please don't read if you're not in the right state for hearing brutal stuff. But for my mother, who passed away this last December after about 10 years of progressing with Parkinsons: If we had gotten her wishes down ten years ago she would 100% have not wanted to live with the severe parkinsons level of mental degradation and delusions she had in her final months. But, when she was going into the hospital with the infections that would lead to her death, the two things she was able to say to my stepfather were "I love you" and "don't let me die." In the end he had to let her die, with a DNR, because the lung suctions were horrible and her weight was down to 80 pounds and if she went back on a respirator she was never coming off of it. Would she have changed her mind if she could have comprehended what was happening to her? We will never know. She was tough as hell and her quality of life prior to the infection was high enough that when the meds were all working right she could have a real conversation and smile and be OK, for half an hour maybe, in between the writhing and the delusions and the pain that went for hours. She didn't think she was ready to die despite that, and we all had to respect that as far as we could and then make a final decision that went against her expressed desire when it was made clear there was no future for her any more. It was and still is gut wrenching five months later. One of the things I've become very aware of is that a lot of people who are younger and healthier are quite sure they "never want to live like that" and a lot of people who live with serious disabilities do, actually, want to live it turns out. Your whole perspective changes when you are actually inhabiting that moment. I think most of us don't really want to just be a vegetable and I'm 100% on board with that... but people living with cognitive impairment are still people, and really quite a lot of them would prefer to stay alive, and that is an important perspective to consider when we think about our own advanced directives. It's not easy for me to articulate exactly what circumstances I'd want to be resuscitated and supported and where I'd draw that line. It's definitely not "well if I'm too brain addled to still be able to wipe my rear end" but it's prooobably "if Im unable to ever recognize anyone I love, even my wife, and I also seem very unhappy and distressed all the time, and there's nothing left in my life that seems to be bringing me joy." That's not a line that a doctor can act on though. I will probably have to rely on someone who loves me to make a decision on my behalf, and that's a terrible burden to place on someone but that's where I'm at today at age 49.
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Apr 16, 2024 16:38
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Baddog posted:
UTI in the elderly population, especially with patients with cognitive impairments, can be associated with severe psychotic and behavioral symptoms. Delusions, hallucinations, agitation, amnesia, etc. With men especially you don't really ever know they're having one until it's getting bad. Women are more likely to get them in their youth so tend to have a little more insight into them when they're coming on. In those situations the patient will most likely need at least a trip to the ER for IV abx and bloodwork. In that case, hospital case management can take over, and that's a much more streamlined procedure to get someone home health/respite/placed in a facility/lose conservatorship etc. Only problem is someone leaves the hospital on their own, case management can't do anything anymore. A lot of times families will just "dump" their parent in an ER because they can't take care of them anymore, and the wheels start turning.
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Apr 16, 2024 17:41
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To add on to a lot of what Leperflesh is saying, I lost my mom in December, 5 months after a pancreatic cancer diagnosis. Thankfully, she was mentally alert until around Thanksgiving so everything was prepared and organized, but things have still taken a ton of time to organize and process. I'm going to make a concerted effort to detail all the very helpful agencies for my friends and post that here. Palliative care and hospice were two separate teams, but both were very helpful in providing information and organizations to reach out to, including respite care that would come sit and chat with my mom and give us a break. Hospice was extremely helpful, and provided detailed charts of funeral/cremation costs in the area, lists of caregivers both individual, etc; as well as a list of after death tasks. One difficulty we had is that my mom was very, very strong from a lifetime of farming, so even near the end she would get up to go to the bathroom and then decide she needed to haul a 8 quart cast iron dutch oven up some stairs. We ended up having to mount some baby gates into walls, which was extremely emotional for her. My sister came in from out of the country right after the diagnosis and we had a weekend where the 3 of us sat down and scanned all the forms my mom had already prepared a few years earlier, listed all her passwords, accounts, etc. However, some things popped up we didn't expect - her will and trust had been made while in the process of divorce, prior to the name change. I didn't even realize this until a bank asked for proof that the will I was showing them was for the same person as the death certificate. Thankfully, I had the divorce agreement that specified the name change but it really caught me off guard. Another issue that really infuriated me was changing the forwarding address for mail, which I don't want to get into in detail, but is something you should probably do before the end of life, rather than after. Yet another mistake I made was deactivating her cell phone, since we shared a plan. That locked me out of doing anything requiring two factor authentication. It is very easy to lose track of what you have/haven't done due to the emotional stress. We did one weekend putting my name on her bank accounts so as to keep payments going smoothly, and 3 months later I had no idea I'd done that until going into the bank and being reminded of my prior visit. Heck, I didn't even realize I needed to do her taxes until an uncle mentioned it - I'd just mentally blocked it out for some reason. One thing I wish I'd done earlier is buy a CLE for estate planning, as I'm an attorney that doesn't practice in that field, and I got a lot more out of reading the CLE.pdf than I did discussing her paperwork with two other sets of lawyers. One thing I didn't realize I had to do ASAP was file the will with the county. It took over a month to even get the original from the law firm that was holding onto it, and I should have requested it from them much earlier. I'm still dealing with a lot of loose ends, and am currently receiving a bunch of 'This is Not a Bill : you may owe $7k' letters from her gap insurance + medicare, even though she was on hospice for all of this. I'm definitely bitter about how a lot of this went, and applaud making the thread. It's surprising that there isn't a clearer process for the feds/state to help people deal with something that has happened to every person in history, and it's hard to contemplate why that is other than lobbying by groups that make money off this area. Insert the lionel hutz lawyer gif. I've also had trouble dealing with some of the finances (I have some posts in the LTIR thread about this) because I got emotional thinking my mom was getting ripped off and getting mad at her advisors. trevorreznik fucked around with this message at 21:46 on Apr 16, 2024 |
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Apr 16, 2024 21:30
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Creating a shared task list document for all the siblings was pretty key, tracking all the information and who has done what. We're still working off of it and it's been more than a year since mom died.
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Apr 16, 2024 21:51
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trevorreznik posted:To add on to a lot of what Leperflesh is saying, I lost my mom in December, 5 months after a pancreatic cancer diagnosis. Thankfully, she was mentally alert until around Thanksgiving so everything was prepared and organized, but things have still taken a ton of time to organize and process. I'm going to make a concerted effort to detail all the very helpful agencies for my friends and post that here. Palliative care and hospice were two separate teams, but both were very helpful in providing information and organizations to reach out to, including respite care that would come sit and chat with my mom and give us a break. "CLE" is Continuing Legal Education in case anyone else is wondering. Thanks for this. I'll try to incorporate some of this into the OP. Still have a lot of states to get to.
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Apr 16, 2024 22:07
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Baddog posted:Creating a shared task list document for all the siblings was pretty key, tracking all the information and who has done what. We're still working off of it and it's been more than a year since mom died. ...a year later? if there are tasks you think will affect most readers, maybe add them somewhere in the estate planning thread
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Apr 16, 2024 23:01
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pmchem posted:...a year later? if there are tasks you think will affect most readers, maybe add them somewhere in the estate planning thread Ehh I think a lot of things are common, but nothing unexpected, just neverending. Still have to do taxes again this year to handle all the stuff that came in last. Might have to do them *again* next year still, christ. Gotta keep following up with etrade, dividends keep dribbling in after they were supposed to have split all the accounts up and disbursed them. Can't even get her interred yet, arlington is backed up 3+ years! Lot of old veterans and their spouses died in the last couple years. Instead of doing an estate sale, my brother just moved a ton of crap to a huge storage unit. Apparently *someone* has to go through it, or he's gonna keep paying for it out of what's left in the accounts he has access to. Etc etc. Bleah. But for this thread - the shared task list document is probably good to get going in the "parents need help" stage of life. Would have been a help to coordinate things like "I topped off her spending account at the home on 4/16 and ordered more XYZ from amazon for her". "Got a bill for prescriptions and paid it, but I don't think it should have been so large - need to fight Tricare/ExpressScripts again?" Baddog fucked around with this message at 23:55 on Apr 16, 2024 |
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Apr 16, 2024 23:43
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As I hunt for details on each state, I came across a couple resources that I liked and I've added to the OP:
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Apr 27, 2024 23:29
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My dad passed 2 years ago at 94, and it was rough as hell. We think he scraped his ankle on his metal bedframe and didn't tell anyone about it until his leg got swollen and infected. He was too stubborn to ask for help until he couldn't get his shoe on, and Urgent Care sent him to the hospital immediately. From there the infection aggravated into delirium, and I got to watch my dad struggle and fight against the nurse "crooks trying to steal his money." He asked me to "hack into their computers" like I knew anything about that stuff. He had neuropathy and vertigo, and he couldn't tell if he was standing or laying down. My mom had to nudge the bottom of his bed so he'd feel it. The infection ran it's course and the hospital kicked my dad out. We tried a few nursing homes in the area, but they either left him in a dark room in bed all day, or put him in the common room with full-on dementia patients yelling at the TV. Samaritan was a god-send in helping us set my dad up in hospice care, and they brought in a bed and lots of supplies all free. They said there was nothing left to do but to keep him hydrated and give him medicine every 3 hours. My mom asked my dad if there was anything she could get him. He said he could really go for a hotdog. He passed away at 3am when my mom went to give him his medicine and he didn't wake up. My dad was a fighter, and he had one of his hands tight around the bed rail to the very end. Watching my dad turn into a frail, helpless skeleton was a real tragic experience for me, and I hope y'all don't have to go there same thing. It's just me and my 77 year old mom now, and dealing with her is a whole 'nother can of worms set on fire. My sister and I are trying to get her into a home and she's making it so much more difficult than it has to be.
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Apr 29, 2024 18:26
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Waffle! posted:
mmm, I mean she did see what happened with your dad. The surviving spouse has it pretty rough. There are some places where you can get a little house on the grounds of the nursing home, and live pretty independently with care right there if needed. And then the transition to move over to the main building seems like it should be a lot less dramatic.
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Apr 29, 2024 19:42
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trevorreznik posted:To add on to a lot of what Leperflesh is saying, I lost my mom in December, 5 months after a pancreatic cancer diagnosis. Thankfully, she was mentally alert until around Thanksgiving so everything was prepared and organized, but things have still taken a ton of time to organize and process. I'm going to make a concerted effort to detail all the very helpful agencies for my friends and post that here. Palliative care and hospice were two separate teams, but both were very helpful in providing information and organizations to reach out to, including respite care that would come sit and chat with my mom and give us a break. Thank you for this. My partner’s father is going through this exact situation at the moment.
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Apr 29, 2024 19:53
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Baddog posted:mmm, I mean she did see what happened with your dad. The surviving spouse has it pretty rough. To clarify, my sis and I aren't trying to put her into one of those homes. We found a nice group home that does both short, and long-term care, where everyone has their own room. She's afraid of being dumped and forgotten, and we're trying to tell her she needs to be around more people in a place that can take better care of her. She's not entirely wrong though, because I resent being her constant butler and chauffeur, and I'm not going to put up with it for the rest of her life.
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Apr 29, 2024 19:58
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What a tragic and unfortunately necessary thread. Empathy to everyone in the throes of taking care of their collapsing parents and grandparents. I'll post my experience later, poo poo is wild when a trustee starts self dealing and you have to spend the better part of a decade stopping them. Our legal system is diseased, understaffed, and virtually incapable of dealing with bad faith defendants even if all banking evidence points to obvious theft.
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Apr 30, 2024 01:13
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You might think going through taking care of someone declining and dying might give you the perspective that you don't want your family to go through the same thing.
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Apr 30, 2024 18:51
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