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KarmaCandy posted:I didn't miss it, I said it was cheap. If you want to give out suggestions then expect them to be commented on. (pardon the wall of text) Up until last Saturday I would have said I agree with you entirely. I grew up in a family that at one point had an obscene amount of money and later ended up being lower middle class due to a series of circumstances. Even after my family was 'poorer', there was still a certain set of rules that were followed, and you did NOT have a cash bar or 'money dance' at a wedding. It didn't happen. You would have been called tacky and cheap, and even though our family's friends stuck by us when everything happened (and some of these people OWN coal companies), they still would have been absolutely horrified to find themselves buying a drink at a wedding. Seriously, picture people shuddering in disgust, because I thought they would have. However, my fiance and I went to a wedding last weekend for one of the girls from a family that I always thought was even wealthier than mine, even when we had money. She always had new pretty clothes each year, she was in a myriad of expensive school activities, drove a new but sensible car, bought lunch every day. I never once assumed her family wasn't doing just fine. Her parents are old for our age (we are 25 and theyre in their mid sixities), but I figured whatever they did kept them well off. The reason I say this all is because people judge. Maybe its my upbringing, I have no idea, but I know that I do and have done it in lots of situations. You just assume people have or can do things, and if they don't you guess they have little or no money. I don't think less of them for it, but thems the breaks. When we got there, the wedding was in a very pretty church with a choir singing hymns. To much surprise, the only flowers were a single large altar bouquet and what the girls held and the men's bouts. At the reception it was open bar prior to dinner (as per usual), and then -- Shock! beer/wine/soda after dinner. Appetizers were simple cheese and cracker dishes with some shrimp cocktail, buffet style. Everyone then got a slice of cake after the meal. That was it. I'm kind of a snob, so one would think this would offend me, and to be honest, it didn't matter even the littlest bit. The bartender said "After dinner drinks are a mix of b/w/s and cash liquor" and I said "Sure, how much do I owe you for a gin?" (It was $5.00) By the time I even realized it I was back at my table enjoying myself. Well, I got to talking with one of her bridesmaids who is a closer friend of both us and her family, and I mentioned how clean and simple and nice everything was. I said that it was one of the only weddings that I ever went to that felt that intimate and about the couple, and it was refreshing. She then told me that the bride was almost hysterical over how much everything cost, because she didn't want to offend and leave anyone out, but with his family footing the bill for the reception, she didn't feel right inviting more than just family, until her mother-in-law told her to invite everyone she wanted and they would make it work. Even after that she felt really terrible about her parents not being able to pay. At that point if anyone would have said anything bitchy about the drinks to me I would have told them to stuff it in their bottom. I was impressed and moved by how gracious it was of her and her fiance's family to have us even though we aren't that close. We got to spend a really special time with some really great people. So I don't know if that means I have made a decent into tackydom, but in my opinion I think its a just fine solution. A month ago I might have cringed at the idea, but not a single person was bothered by it (that said anything), and half a week later everyone is still talking about how beautiful it was. These are much different times and a much different economy. Everyone for the most part is tighter, and even those who are not financially burdened by it understand that some people are. If people don't get this, they should probably do everyone involved a favor and shove it. Looking back, here is how she probably saved a lot: 1 - Nixed pew bows/flowers/aisle runner and found a great church that spoke for itself 2 - She's a music teacher, had her choir sing hymns (it was breathtaking) 3 - Open bar for one hour prior to dinner (not premium liquor), beer wine and soda during and after. 4 - Had a graphic designer friend do a nice slide show to show during dinner. This was really, really sweet and almost everyone was teary-eyed. 5 - Found a great photographer via craigslist, had her do some portraits to be sure her portfolio and work matched 6 - Two choices for dinner, one chicken, one seafood (crab stuffed flounder) sides were potatoes and green beans (whole), with simple appetizers of cheese/crackers/fruit and shrimp cocktail -- buffet style. 7 - Centerpieces were clear glass dishes with floating candles and rose petals. Simple but still very pretty. 8 - Each guest got a small box with 5 or 6 heart-shaped dove chocolates.
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Jul 16, 2008 14:01
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Is there an existing market for a person I can hire just to be the go-between for my mom and I? 
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Jul 16, 2008 15:31
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CalamityKate posted:Is there an existing market for a person I can hire just to be the go-between for my mom and I? Oh my lord, I feel you on that. My mother does not ever shut up. She made me go to a separate dinner for each of my aunts and uncles, family friends, etc. etc. after I got engaged just so they could be invited. I finally snapped and said I wasn't doing anymore schmoozing. She has barely talked to me in two months because of it. However my other mom (long story), was pretty easy. I just said "Hey mum I'm pretty stressed out and you aren't helping, but if you want to help you could _______"
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Jul 16, 2008 15:34
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ElanoreMcMantis posted:I'm kind of a snob, so one would think this would offend me, and to be honest, it didn't matter even the littlest bit. The bartender said "After dinner drinks are a mix of b/w/s and cash liquor" and I said "Sure, how much do I owe you for a gin?" (It was $5.00) By the time I even realized it I was back at my table enjoying myself. I didn't say you had to have a 100% open bar but the person who was giving suggestions went straight from 100% open bar to one drink voucher for guests + unlimited for special people or a tab of a "couple hundred" plus cash bar or pure cash bar. I was merely saying that was going very cheap and there are a lot of choices in between. Maybe she only has ten people at her wedding or people don't drink in her family, but if so, that's very specific to her wedding and isn't necessarily applicable advice for others and she was quoting someone else and seemed to be replying to them. A general cash bar of "a couple hundred" where people are paying for beer, wine and soda as well as liquor is pretty noticeable for most people. You would get up there expecting to get a drink but if you waited too long and didn't head straight for the bar - you wouldn't get anything. With drink vouchers, I think just giving a person one is very cheap. If they're a beer drinker they only get one beer to last them throughout the reception before they have to break out their own money. Most people are happy to pay for liquor at a limited cash bar where they have the option of wine and beer - at least then they know they can get drunk off your tab, they just don't want to. Similarly, most people are fine with a very limited selection of alcohol/beer/wine behind the bar or only having available signature drinks. There's just no reason to go from 100% open bar to pure cash bar or "one drink voucher for guests, but unlimited for the bridal party" or "cash bar with a couple hundred put in." There are so many classier options in between to consider as well.
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Jul 16, 2008 16:21
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KarmaCandy posted:There are so many classier options in between to consider as well. Yes, on this I do agree with you. I think vouchers make it too much 'in your face' and a segregated 'special people' tab would be off putting. I think if you're doing to do any partial bar being subtle is kind of important. Sorry if it seemed like I was jumping on you, I wasn't trying to. As far as bar options go there are MANY, and if your caterer isn't going to work with you, you need to find one who will. I live in Podunk and I have lots of choices. Ideas to consider: Pre meal open bar, soda/coffee/water during dinner, b/w/s afterward + cash liquor Pre meal b/w/s, during meal soda/coffee/water/, full cash bar after Stuff like that. Also you can always find a hall, rent the hall, get a caterer for food and do your own booze provided the hall allows it. We are doing this for our wedding, paying some bartenders at places we frequent to do the wedding and then just buying several barrels of popular beers, and mixer liquor (because most people here love beer). Our food is going to be a pasta bar and beef and chicken, and we rented out the space without catering and hired our own. It went from being around $110 a head to around $50 this way.
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Jul 16, 2008 17:02
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I work at a prestigious hotel that has weddings and they are often very expensive affairs. Recently I worked at one that had ordered a lot of wine, champagne and beer, and it was free all night but any other spirits were to be paid for. It worked well - the guests had a choice of drinks provided for them all night. I can't imagine anyone being bothered by having to pay for a drink if they wanted something outside of those choices. I don't think I've ever been to a wedding that was unlimited paid drinks (UK), and this was one of the most expensive and snobbish weddings I've witnessed.
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Jul 16, 2008 18:55
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The hotel I'm using includes four hours of open bar in the per person package. I'm splitting up that time up between the cocktail hour and after dinner. The difference in price between an adult 21+ and the under 21 is roughly $10. I'm honestly surprised it's not more. I was at a wedding this past weekend where it was beer, wine, and soda. No one had a problem with it, but there was a rough start. The person who supplied the kegs did not provide the bar staff with a correct tap and there was a hose missing. Apparently there are taps for European beers. Who knew?
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Jul 16, 2008 19:52
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kimihia posted:None of my guests are obligated to attend (and so far there are only three couples on the guest list who don't live locally, so the journey is not an issue). None of my guests are obligated to purchase presents. No, no one is obligated to attend or to buy you a gift. However, for those who do attend and bring gifts, it's pretty tacky of you guys not to offer some sort of free food and drink. If you didn't want to spend a lot of money on a reception, you should have invited fewer guests.
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Jul 16, 2008 20:37
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From what I learned from wedding how-to books and my wedding planner, cash bars are considered big faux-paxs. From my experience as a wedding photographer, people get really upset about them. I'm guessing that giving some guests full free bar and others a cash bar (or vouchers) will also not go over very well. But you're not obligated to provide a full open bar either. Many couples I worked for offered beer and wine and skipped expensive cocktails and liquor. Several others did the "featured drink" thing - they offered a few specialty/themed cocktails instead of a full bar. Some of these couples offered liquor/cocktails guests could buy, and others just stuck to free wine and beer. Guests at weddings with a free limited bar or free featured cocktails only never minded the compromise.
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Jul 16, 2008 20:47
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do what now posted:From what I learned from wedding how-to books and my wedding planner, cash bars are considered big faux-paxs. From my experience as a wedding photographer, people get really upset about them. I'm guessing that giving some guests full free bar and others a cash bar (or vouchers) will also not go over very well. This sounds like a perfectly reasonable compromise to me. It's just a nice gesture to have something for your guests that won't cost them even more money than they've likely already spent to be there.
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Jul 16, 2008 21:08
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Has anyone gotten married on a beach? I imagine there would be some sort of permit you'd need, or something. Is it worth the effort? Any feedback would be appreciated.
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Jul 16, 2008 21:13
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Belldandy posted:Has anyone gotten married on a beach? I imagine there would be some sort of permit you'd need, or something. Is it worth the effort? Any feedback would be appreciated. Just got back from one, my cousin did it on the beach. I don't think you can "own" the beach but there are some sort of access rights, my cousin had it at a reastaurant which had an outdoor beach patio as well as beach access. Plus was it was a beach and very nice. Minus was there were mullets and PBR-equiv camping out around the chairs and wedding setup to watch it and not much you could do about that. She had the free champagne first, then free specialty drinks and wine later with a cash bar which was fine for me. Remember, your wedding guests are GUESTS, they don't run the show. If you can't afford a big ordeal just skip out on parts and get a ton of cheap booze.
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Jul 16, 2008 21:35
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Belldandy posted:Has anyone gotten married on a beach? I imagine there would be some sort of permit you'd need, or something. Is it worth the effort? Any feedback would be appreciated. The aforementioned wedding I went to this weekend was on the beach, well the ceremony was anyway. It was at a state park and they contacted the park's DNR division and they took care of reserving the spot. I don't believe it was very expensive. They did have to rent chairs and roped pylons to enclose the area. It was a very beautiful ceremony. Having said that, there were a few downsides - you had half naked people watching and one guy walked through the water right behind them in the middle of the ceremony. There's not much you can do about it, but you may not want random strangers invading your space. It was also very hot. They didn't have enough chairs for everyone, so a pregnant friend of mine had to stand in the sun for 30 minutes.
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Jul 16, 2008 22:04
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BRAKE FOR MOOSE fucked around with this message at 07:44 on Jun 12, 2012 |
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Jul 16, 2008 22:05
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Belldandy posted:Has anyone gotten married on a beach? I imagine there would be some sort of permit you'd need, or something. Is it worth the effort? Any feedback would be appreciated. Keep in mind the ocean is very loud on the beach. A friend of mine recently got back from a beach wedding and said that he couldn't hear a single part of the ceremony. I guess you might need a mic or sound system.
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Jul 16, 2008 23:34
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Dik Hz posted:Keep in mind the ocean is very loud on the beach. A friend of mine recently got back from a beach wedding and said that he couldn't hear a single part of the ceremony. I guess you might need a mic or sound system. While that's true, there's also lake beaches, which are much quieter as far as noise from waves. As for who to contact, beaches can be owned privately...most just don't open one on their property because of the upkeep. There's a bar around here that has a fairly large beach on their property. If it's privately owned, you talk to the owner. If it's owned by the city/town you would likely inquire about it at the city/town offices. Private property usually charges a fee, whereas state/city properties are more likely to have a smaller fee or just a donation requirement. Just keep in mind that a lot of times beaches & parks that are open to the public will not close for a wedding. Usually they'll allow you to use the area for the ceremony, but tell you that they don't intend to close the place for you, so you'll have to deal with the general public going about their business swimming/strolling (unless you hold it after-hours for places that close at a certain time).
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Jul 17, 2008 02:39
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On the whole booze issue my fiance and I are just not having any at the reception. Most of her family doesn't drink and my family could care less. On the plus side the last weekend we got the following done: 1) bought my ring, 2) bought her dress, 3) did our gift registries, 4) planned most of what we are serving. We should have a location this weekn so we can give people as much notice as we can about the wedding. WEEEE 2 months to plan a wedding from start to finish  .
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Jul 17, 2008 04:54
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CalamityKate posted:Is there an existing market for a person I can hire just to be the go-between for my mom and I? I'LL DO IT! I am craving motherly attention. This is the conversation between my mom and I a few weeks ago: "Hi Mom! I have great news! Scott proposed to me tonight!" Mom: "What did you say?" "...I said yes?" Mom: "Oh that's good. ...I guess." "You guess, Mom?" Mom: "...I hope..." That's not entirely beyond what I expected, but it's only gotten worse since then. My parents and I communicate primarily through email, and my mom's went from coming every other day to once a week, and the tone went from normal mom-crazy to flat and tired. I asked her if she wanted to be involved in dress shopping, and didn't get an answer. Sent her a couple of dresses I wanted to try on, and got an, "eh". Her other primary communication has been basically to say that I'd better make sure to choose a good location because my cousin had her reception at a VFW and it was "dismal". So. I will handle all your mothers for you. Seriously, anyone else have crazy moms? I mean, of course you do. Weighing in on booze: Our reception will be small and cheap. I'm not sure yet how cheap. It will probably be a dessert and drinks style thing. A recent wedding we went to had a bar tab set, and once that was reached, guests would be on their own. The tab wasn't that big, but the guests didn't even use it all. I think that's what we'll do.
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Jul 17, 2008 05:33
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Backno posted:On the plus side the last weekend we got the following done: 1) bought my ring, 2) bought her dress, 3) did our gift registries, 4) planned most of what we are serving. We should have a location this weekn so we can give people as much notice as we can about the wedding. WEEEE 2 months to plan a wedding from start to finish You're doing better than we are. We have 1mo to go & everything is out-of-pocket (except my dress which my mom paid for with money she doesn't have). We just finally got our officiant (not the one I wanted originally though), just talked to the rental company (~$300), just got the bridesmaid dresses in, finally decided on food. We still have to talk to a florist (I ordered flowers elsewhere to do centerpieces & bridesmaid bouquets ourselves) about my bouquet & the cake, still have to see a hairstylist (~$60?), have to order his ring ($250), he still has to pay off my engagement ring ($590; doubles as the wedding ring) so I'll have a ring for the ceremony, and to top it all off....we still have to find the money to put down deposits for all of that. A photographer (would have been a goon too) was really important to me, but we may have to skip on that. DJ is going to cost us $400, $600 for the bar, cake is supplies only, venues are free, food is cheap. Bridal party is getting topaz necklaces I made as gifts (so that was cheap), favors are taken care of (containers are not). We still have around $3000 in expenses (not including photographer), with 1mo to go, and we each make around $200 a week (he can put in extra hours, I can't & my job is dependent on tips, his is hourly), and work for his other job (contract/freelance stuff) has been slow lately; then subtract for monthly bills. So we're cutting it really close in regards to both time and money. Very high stress going on around here. The only corners left to cut at this point are to skip on the rings for now, skip the hairstylist, and do my own bouquet. We could skip the bar, but after all the stress & money everyone in the wedding party has went through, we deserve to unwind & let loose with the alcohol. We got deals & freebies everywhere we could due to family, friends, and friends of family. On a side note, I never knew that "bridal" shoes were basically $80-250. That's insane. To add to it, they're all the same or similar to regular heels that you could spend $30-50 on...same uncomfortable lack of padding too. I went elsewhere, found my shoes for $50 AND they have awesome padding.
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Jul 17, 2008 05:42
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Is the open bar thing as much of a racket as I think it is? I mean, it looks like you're paying $40 a head for booze. At 100 guests that's $4000. I seriously doubt it's even possible to go through $4k worth in booze at a bar. Is there a way to just open a tab and pay that tab at the end of the night instead of paying upfront?
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Jul 17, 2008 16:17
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I think a lot of people are exaggerating. As I said above, the difference in meal prices at my reception are between a 21+ and under 21 is about $10 and that's for an open bar. I think you can get the cost difference to half that if you go the beer and wine only route.
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Jul 17, 2008 16:26
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Optimus_Rhyme posted:Is the open bar thing as much of a racket as I think it is? I mean, it looks like you're paying $40 a head for booze. At 100 guests that's $4000. I seriously doubt it's even possible to go through $4k worth in booze at a bar. Is there a way to just open a tab and pay that tab at the end of the night instead of paying upfront? If you look for deals and shop around and are open to a variety of reception places, it won't be that much. As I mentioned, my friend paid less than $50 per person for 4 hours of open bar (including premium liquor but not whatever their luxury option was) appetizers brought around by a butler, a choice of three a sit down meal with a choice of three entrees (including filet) and sides, ice cream (they had to supply their own cake), and coffee. Didn't include the flat fee for the bar tender which was another couple of hundred but they would have had to pay that regardless of whether it was open or cash bar. They did see a lot of packages that were in the $70 range per person for the whole entire thing though, but at a lot of places, the difference b/t non open bar and open bar is just $10 - $20 dollars per person.
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Jul 17, 2008 16:47
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BRAKE FOR MOOSE fucked around with this message at 07:44 on Jun 12, 2012 |
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Jul 17, 2008 16:54
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The place where we have a deposit allows us to bring our own booze, and the event coordinator there said that there are a couple of liquor stores that he's worked with will take your order, deliver the booze, and then come pick up what's left over afterwards and you get a refund. (Or, I suppose, keep it and have a HELL of a honeymoon). Caterers will usually have a liquor license, so if you hire one of their folks as a bartender, you're all legal. This is going to end up being way WAY cheaper for us than having the drinks bought by the caterer. zap actionsdower! posted:I'LL DO IT! I am craving motherly attention.  That puts it in perspective - she and I are at least on the same page as far as dress shopping goes. The latest disagreement is whether to hold the wedding here in Chicago or in my hometown 6 hours away, which boggles me, because they know we have a deposit on a place we really like here (see above).
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Jul 17, 2008 16:55
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NovaCat posted:Engagement ring question: my white gold ring has been on my finger for about 11 months now, and its starting to show. I know I need to get it redipped and cleaned and all, but does anyone know how much this is going to set me back? Is this a thing I can go anywhere for? My ring is from Blue Nile, so I can't take it back to the place he purchased it from. In many cases, nothing. Go into a jewelry store, look around, any observant salesperson (these are becoming rare lately) would offer a cleaning while you're browsing. Quick dip in the ultrasonic cleaner and a shot of steam and you're good. Also, heres something you southerners would find interesting. I found this out when I got my notary public paperwork. The state of Florida recognizes a notary public as a wedding officiant. Therefore if you get in a jam with scheduling or your childhood priest has an emergency or whatever, a notary works in a pinch. I've had three friends get married without a priest over the past few years because they didnt want to do the premarital counseling and things they deemed as extraneous that would just cost more. This has been your  on how to be a frugal ethnicitiy 101 for the day!
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Jul 17, 2008 17:03
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CalamityKate posted:Oh no, I'm sorry Well that is stupid. If they want to pay for the entire thing, they can have it wherever they want. Since you've already put the deposit down for the place in Chicago, I think that settles that right there. I'll be your go between. I have a vested interest yet don't know them so if I piss them off, no big woop.
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Jul 17, 2008 17:42
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dukeofurl posted:In many cases, nothing. Go into a jewelry store, look around, any observant salesperson (these are becoming rare lately) would offer a cleaning while you're browsing. This probably won't work for white gold. If the coating is starting to wear away and the gold underneath is starting to show, as is natural over time, you need to get it re-coated and this is usually a process you'll need to leave it with the jeweller for. You could just call local jewellers and ask them prices. The jeweller I worked for charged for an ultra-sonic cleaning too, so everywhere is different.
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Jul 17, 2008 22:27
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I'm so excited that the date is finally set! It's not that either of us had apprehension about the wedding itself, we just wanted to try to figure out where we'd be financially and guess a comfortable area, which is September of next year. We're going super cheap, since we have to pay for it ourselves. We'll probably be getting married at a courthouse in LA or Orange County (I know it's tacky but there are conflicting religions with the families and I am not going to let other people's convictions get in the way of my happiness). I probably won't get married in white, as I don't like the color and it all stems from traditions I don't believe in anyway. We're going to have two types of receptions, which is where the majority of the money is going to go. For the older or more conservative of our friends and family, we're going to have a formal dinner at a very nice French restaurant. Cozy, classy and fun (plus they do wonderful set menus). For our younger, rowdy friends (we're both 21-ish), we're going to have a huge house party with a barbecue and huge liquor supply. Ipod DJ most likely. My question to you guys: should our invitations be the traditional fancy ones even though they don't reflect the tone of the affair? I don't want to go too casual with this stuff, because then people will assume I don't give a crap about it. PS- Our honeymoon is going to be in Joshua Tree. It's one of the most beautiful places in the United States, hands down. inaniloquent fucked around with this message at 00:36 on Jul 18, 2008 |
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Jul 18, 2008 00:01
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inaniloquent posted:
There are a ton of invitations you can buy or make that are still very much "wedding," but give a more casual/fun vibe than the traditional black script on ivory cardstock, without going down to the level of Wal-Mart fill in the blank. Check out a few sites online, or Target and Michael's/AC Moore type places have do-it-yourself kits that might be up your alley. I really think your invitations should match the tone of your party, because it's the first way people start to figure out what you're going for.
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Jul 18, 2008 00:15
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Hey, this is an odd question, but is there any good way of finding a lost ring? My girlfriend and I were moving around my grandmother's engagement ring (resizing it for her), and we... misplaced it. We looked at the places we were (in either of our houses or my car, fortunately it wouldn't be anywhere else), but we can't find it. Any suggestions?
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Jul 22, 2008 02:25
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I just ordered my engagement ring from Blue Nile and will be proposing on Sunday, August 3rd. Wish me luck. 
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Jul 23, 2008 08:15
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How many people did you guys a lot to your parents come invitation time (and how many people were invited total)? My father is pretty insistent that people I've never met before must be on the guest list and at some point, I really want to put my foot down. He already comes from a big family (8 brothers and sisters) so his side of the family alone accounts for 40-some people, even without inviting some of the cousins that I don't know very well and not counting small children. He points out that he's going to be paying for it so he should get to invite whoever he wants but I don't want a big wedding so even if he's willing to pay for those extra 50 people - I don't particularly want 50 extra strangers at my wedding who I'll be forced to mingle with for at least a little while and who will take time away from actually celebrating with my actual friends and family. Also my parents are divorced so my mom, dad and my step-mom all have strangers they think should be on this list though my dad is most insistent. So, how many random people did you let your parents invite?
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Jul 23, 2008 15:05
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Belldandy posted:I just ordered my engagement ring from Blue Nile and will be proposing on Sunday, August 3rd. Aww, good luck!
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Jul 23, 2008 15:09
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KarmaCandy posted:How many people did you guys a lot to your parents come invitation time (and how many people were invited total)? My father is pretty insistent that people I've never met before must be on the guest list and at some point, I really want to put my foot down. He already comes from a big family (8 brothers and sisters) so his side of the family alone accounts for 40-some people, even without inviting some of the cousins that I don't know very well and not counting small children. He points out that he's going to be paying for it so he should get to invite whoever he wants but I don't want a big wedding so even if he's willing to pay for those extra 50 people - I don't particularly want 50 extra strangers at my wedding who I'll be forced to mingle with for at least a little while and who will take time away from actually celebrating with my actual friends and family. Also my parents are divorced so my mom, dad and my step-mom all have strangers they think should be on this list though my dad is most insistent. If he is paying for it, then its his party that he is throwing for you. If you don't like the way he throws a party, pay for your own.
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Jul 23, 2008 15:25
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Eris posted:If he is paying for it, then its his party that he is throwing for you. If you don't like the way he throws a party, pay for your own. Yup it really does depend on who is paying for it. If you're paying, then limit the guests, and give all family/parents the same number of extra invites. If he is paying for it? too bad, so sad, it's his party.
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Jul 23, 2008 15:36
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Eris posted:If he is paying for it, then its his party that he is throwing for you. If you don't like the way he throws a party, pay for your own. Yeah, I guess I might end up having to do that - I know my mom would happily chip in without taking over the wedding so I may lean on her for help over my dad, and just tell my dad that I'm not interested though I have a feeling his feelings will be hurt. If I'm paying for it entirely, I'll end up keeping it to people I actually know - right now, the list includes a ton of people I've met once or twice, and now it's going to be supplemented with the list of people I've never met before in my life. We could easily cut the wedding down and costs by just keeping it to friends/family if that's the only option. I was hoping more people had experience with compromise though - retaining my wishes for a small wedding (and not even that small, we're still talking over a 100 people) while compromising with the parents on how many people they get to invite and what's generally an appropriate amount of complete strangers to have at your wedding (not counting people you don't know on the grooms side). So if anyone has any experience with working with parents who are more about having it be their day then your day - I'd love to hear how it worked out for you. If paying for it myself or with only my mom's help is how it has to go then that's fine, but I actually don't think my dad would take that very well and I'd rather work out a compromise - I'm just trying to gauge what a normal number of complete strangers on the invite list is (for people that had their parents paying for it). The other option is to end up doing a destination wedding since strangers tend not to be willing to travel very far - then nobody's feelings really get hurt and it stays small. KarmaCandy fucked around with this message at 16:10 on Jul 23, 2008 |
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Jul 23, 2008 15:52
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You keep referring to them as complete strangers, yet they are actually part of your extended family. I've got cousins and aunts that I haven't talked to in over a decade, yet I'd be honored to go to their weddings and have them at mine. Not just so I could "distract" them from hanging out with all the actual "important people" in their life, but to meet and catch up with all the other relatives attending that I haven't seen in a decade either. Maybe you don't know these people very well (or at all), but that's why weddings are a great occasion to actually interact with all those family members that you only see at family reunions, weddings, or funerals. Treat them like you would the members of your spouse's family that you haven't met yet: give them a handshake or a hug and humor them with a few seconds of your time to hear how Great Aunt Millie's diabetes is doing. Maybe you'll get lucky and a bunch of these Unwanteds won't show up. But if your dad's paying for it and it's important to him to send invitations to most of the family, ultimately it's his call. Unless you really want to make a big deal out of it or take the reception away from him, which almost certainly will upset him and the relatives he may have already talked to that will end up being uninvited by you.
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Jul 23, 2008 16:43
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Endor posted:You keep referring to them as complete strangers, yet they are actually part of your extended family. No, I'm talking aside from the extended family - the extended family is already on the list and accounts for about 35 people. All my aunts and uncles will be there + most of my cousins (we have so many cousins that the older cousins established a built in rule that older cousins invite the older generation and younger cousins invite the younger generation so family is not at all a problem). There's also lots of people on his list who I've met once or twice - which is fine, at least I've met them. But there's a whole separate list of people he wants to invite that includes all of the co-workers he works with and I guess there are people who are family friends but because I lived with my mom and not him, they're more friends with my step-family and my dad, and I've never met them before. They are actually complete strangers and I know my dad well enough to know that I won't get away with just stopping by the table and thanking them - every opportunity is a networking opportunity in his eyes. And nobody's been invited yet - nobody but my dad has put any thought into it at all yet, we just know that his lists alone account for pretty much what we imagined would be the entire wedding. KarmaCandy fucked around with this message at 17:00 on Jul 23, 2008 |
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Jul 23, 2008 16:52
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KarmaCandy posted:No, I'm talking aside from the extended family - the extended family is already on the list and accounts for about 35 people. All my aunts and uncles will be there + most of my cousins (we have so many cousins that the older cousins established a built in rule that older cousins invite the older generation and younger cousins invite the younger generation so family is not at all a problem). There's also lots of people on his list who I've met once or twice - which is fine, at least I've met them. But there's a whole separate list of people he wants to invite that includes all of the co-workers he works with and I guess there are people who are family friends but because I lived with my mom and not him, they're more friends with my step-family and my dad, and I've never met them before. Does your dad have a tradition of going to his friends'/coworkers' kids' weddings? This happened at my wedding. My dad has one group of buddies he golfs with, one group he plays cards with, and one group of close coworkers and they always go to the kids' weddings. These are largely people I've heard of, but never met. For me not to invite them would have almost been rude given the context. It wasn't really an issue for me though, because I was having a big wedding anyway. As far as feeling obligated to mingle with those people, I really didn't to any large extent. They were essentially my dad's guests rather than mine, so he took it upon himself to be the one to make them feel welcome. What I did was once we were done eating, my husband and I got up and went from table to table to say hello to everyone. So I essentially greeted 10 people at once doing that, and for some that was my only contact with them the whole day. Beyond that, I really only spent any significant time talking to those who I knew best.
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Jul 23, 2008 17:01
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| # ? May 9, 2024 09:13 |
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Well if your dad ends up paying for it, he might find out how much those extra 50 people are going to cost him and decide against it. Worse case scenario you end up shaking a few more hands and you have a few more gifts to show for it. Turns out if you invite a lot of people from out of town, it really keeps the guest list down. I invited 150, thought I'd hit 125 but I'm a hair under 100. I'm not really concerned, but these last 15 that haven't RSVP'ed are killing me. That's 2 tables worth of people.
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Jul 23, 2008 20:24
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