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A guy walks into a bank and is greeted by a teller, "Good afternoon sir, how may I help you today?" "I want to open a mother loving checking account." The guy responds, loudly enough to gain notice from other customers. The teller is a bit shocked, "Sir, I'll have to ask you to mind your language." "gently caress that, I'll say any goddamn thing I want to, now I want to open a loving checking account!" "Sir! Your language is completely out of line! I'll need to get my manager!" "Good, go get the loving manager!" So, the teller hurries to her managers office and tells him that there is a very rude customer at her desk and she wants him thrown out of the bank. The manager assures her that he'll take care of it and he walks out to confront the man. A lot of customers are ready to complain about the man as well when the manager walks out but the man looks supremely confident. The manager crosses his arms, "What seems to be the problem here, sir?" "I just won 50 million dollars in the goddamn lottery and I want to open a mother loving checking account!" The manager blinks and then jerks a thumb at the teller, "Is this bitch giving you poo poo?"
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Jun 29, 2010 21:46
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BlackIronHeart posted:A guy walks into a bank and is greeted by a teller, "Good afternoon sir, how may I help you today?"
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Jun 29, 2010 21:50
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SpiderHyphenMan posted:If I ever win the lottery I am doing this. That's was my first thought too. For content, this is one my best friends' favourite joke. He finds it so hilarious he can't actually get to the punchline: How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler. Scientastic has a new favorite as of 22:25 on Jun 29, 2010 |
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Jun 29, 2010 22:01
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What's brown and sticky? my anus
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Jun 29, 2010 22:24
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One day, Bill decides that he wants more excitement in his life, so he moves to Canada and takes a job as a lumberjack. His employer sends him to a remote lumber camp, which is 800 miles from the nearest town. Bill loves his new job...the work is rewarding, the scenery is beautiful. Life couldn't be better. After a few months, Bill starts getting a bit horny. There are no women at the camp, so he goes to talk to his supervisor. "Hey boss, this is kind of awkward, but...what do you all do about...you know, urges? It's been months since I've had sex." "Well, tell you what," says the boss, "there's always Henry that runs the kitchen." Bill is outraged, and shouts "No...no, no no! I'm not like that at all! I don't go for that poo poo!" He storms out the door and heads back to his quarters. Another couple of weeks go by and Bill is going crazy, so he goes to visit his boss again. "Hey boss, remember what we talked about a while back? About Henry?" "Yeah, I remember" says the boss. "So...who would know about it?" His boss leans back in his chair and thinks for a minute. "Hmm...I would know. And you would know. Henry would definitely know. And four other guys would know." Bill is shocked. "Four other guys! Why the gently caress would four other guys have to know?" His boss replies "Well, we need four other guys to hold him down. Henry doesn't go for that poo poo either."
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Jun 29, 2010 23:14
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Boogeyman posted:One day, Bill decides that he wants more excitement in his life Ha! Nice one, here's a variation of that joke. Capt. Jackson arrives at his new post in Afghanistan, way out in the boonies. The camp is home to some classified, top secret units so there are no civilians around and no females whatsoever. After a few months on the job, with nothing but sand and sun to keep him company, Capt. Jackson finally starts asking the men in his unit what they do for fun. One of them says 'Well, we've got the camel out back.' Jackson is horrified and is ready to court martial the soldier for suggesting he get his rocks off with a camel. Months go by and Capt. Jackson is really starting to feel the burn. He goes back to the soldier he almost punished and says 'So, about that camel. What do I do?' The soldier sighs and goes around back with the captain, 'Just use that stool and then hold tight for a bumpy ride.' He leaves the captain and goes back to his bunk. Minutes later, another soldier screams, 'Capt. Jackson is loving the camel!' All the soldiers rush out to find the captain with his pants around his ankles, loving the camel for all he's worth. They're all stunned, shouting at him to stop and disgusted with his behavior. He turns to the men, 'But I thought all of you guys did it too!" The soldier who told him about the camel in the first place steps forward, 'No, sir, we ride it back into town where the girls are!'
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Jun 30, 2010 00:01
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bbf2 posted:You: What's the difference between a preschool and a brothel? Variant on the theme: You: What's the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain? Them: I don't know. You (Accusatory, furious, finger pointing): So it was YOU!
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Jun 30, 2010 00:21
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What's the difference between a nun and a lady in a bathtub? One's got hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole What's the difference between a crafty pygmy and a feminist athlete? One is a cunning runt, the other is a running oval office
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Jun 30, 2010 00:53
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Merely Adequate posted:If you're a quadriplegic, raise your hand. If you're telekinetic, raise my hand.
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Jun 30, 2010 00:59
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender brings it to him, the man says "Say, I've got an idea. You give me that drink for free, and I'll show you something you've never seen before." The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a little man, about a foot tall, and a tiny piano, which the little man immediately starts to play. The bartender is amazed and asks where the man got this oddity. The man says: "I was walking along a beach and found a lamp. Being superstitious, I rubbed it, and out came a genie! He immediately granted me a wish, and that's how I got this little guy. Hey, you wanna try it? I've got the lamp right here." So the bartender grabs the lamp and says "I wish for a million bucks!" and POOF! a million ducks fill the bar! They're everywhere, quacking and crapping and making a mess of everything. The bartender says, "Hey, that genie's kinda hard of hearing, isn't he?" The man gives him a wry smile, packs up his things, and says "You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist, do you?"
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Jun 30, 2010 01:06
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What kind of salad does an epileptic eat? Seizure Salad
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Jun 30, 2010 02:11
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A Chinese man and woman are having sex, and in the middle the guy stops and shouts "I want 69!" The woman looks puzzled and says, "What?" The guy repeats himself and yells "I want 69!" Finally the chick relents and says, "Fine, but why you want beef and broccori right now?"
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Jun 30, 2010 22:54
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The Jorts of Zeus posted:Here's one that my wife LOVES The best version of this one is: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, feminists can't change poo poo.
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Jul 1, 2010 01:06
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One day a mother is shopping with her three little daughters. The oldest asks, 'Mommy, why am I called Lily?' The woman says, 'The day we brought you home from the hospital, a lily-petal drifted down from the sky and landed on your head. so we named you Lily." This prompts her younger sister to ask, 'Why am I called Rose?," to which the reply is the same--a rosepetal drifted down and landed on her head, so they named her Rose. Then the littlest girl chimes in, gurgling happily and reaching for her mother. Lily snaps at her, "Pipe down, Brick!"
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Jul 1, 2010 02:54
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How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Suck his dick.
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Jul 1, 2010 03:09
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A Greek and an Italian were out drinking at a bar and having a pissing contest about the achievements of their relative cultures. Says the Greek: "Greece was the birthplace of mathematics and philosophy" "But the Italians gave the world the Renaissance" "Okay well, uh, Greece invented democracy" "So? Italy practically invented fine art and music!" "Yeah, well we invented sex!" The Italian thinks about this for a moment. "This is true. However, we introduced it to women"
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Jul 1, 2010 04:22
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Merely Adequate posted:If you're a quadriplegic, raise your hand. A better one is. ♪"If you're quadriplegic and you know it, clap your hands!" ♪
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Jul 1, 2010 04:46
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How many union workers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 23. You got a problem with that?
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Jul 1, 2010 06:22
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So a couple of gay guys were walking past a morgue and one says to the other, "hey, wanna go suck down a coupla cold ones?" Whats the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus? it only takes me one nail to hang up a painting of Jesus
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Jul 1, 2010 06:47
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Q: Is the Stanley Cup effected by the listeria recall? A: No, the Stanley Cup hasn't touched a Maple Leaf product in over 40 years.
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Jul 1, 2010 07:47
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Why do chicks dig jesus? *extend hands as if crucified* cause he's hung like this
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Jul 1, 2010 09:46
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A Blonde walks into the doctors office with both of her ears severely burned. "What happened?" the doctor asks. "Well," says the blonde "I was ironing when suddenly I heard the telephone ringing and accidentally picked up the iron." "Well then what happened to the other ear?" "Sonofabitch called back."
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Jul 1, 2010 11:52
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Another variant on the "sex out in the wilderness" joke: Johnny was a lumberjack who'd just managed to land a high paying job out in the middle of nowhere. It was great pay, but it meant he was away from any female contact for 9 months at a time. So, after the first month, Johnny's starting to get restless, and goes to one of the veteran lumberjacks about the issue, who tells him all the regular guys use the "magic tree" around the back. Now Johnny doesn't quite like the idea of sticking his member in such a rough wooden thing, so decides to ask around the other guys about how it works. He gets reply after reply telling him that it'll hurt for one whole week but the rest of it's worth it. Johnny decides to take the plunge. He looks around the back and finds the tree, with its little hole in the trunk. Miraculously, it doesn't hurt at all! In fact, Johnny gets quite satisfied and comes back night after night for the next few weeks. Until one day when the magic from the tree is gone and he just can't get his rocks off. He takes the issue up with the veteran lumberjack to see what's going on: "So, I was wondering about that tree. It isn't exactly working any more, reckon I've been overusing it recently?" "Oh no, I guess it's just your turn inside this week".
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Jul 1, 2010 12:46
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Splaa posted:Why do chicks dig jesus? And he promises a second coming.
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Jul 1, 2010 18:13
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Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party? Because he wanted to get a tight seal.
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Jul 1, 2010 19:49
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I've read just about every post in this thread except for a few long ones so I'm going to assume this hasn't been told yet: A doctor's office in a small town is offering a deal to the towns poor, aging war vets. The vets pick two spots on their body, the doctor will measure the distance between the two spots and will give the vet a dollar for every inch. So the first vet comes in and tells the doc "From the top of my head to the bottom of my foot!". The doctor measures the distance and gives the vet the appropriate amount of money. A second vet comes in and stretches out his arms and says "From the tip of my left middle finger to the tip of my right middle finger!" and the Doctor repeats the procedure. A third vet walks in and says "From the tip of my dick to the back of my nuts!". The doctor says to the vet "That's not a very long distance, wouldn't you like to pick two other points?" and the vet drops his pants and says "Just shut up and measure!". The doctor inspects the vet and says "Sir you don't even have any balls!". The vet cracks a smile and replies "Yeah their back in 'Nam!"
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Jul 1, 2010 20:30
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A couple of hilljacks were at the airport to catch a flight to Pittsburgh. They didn't have their tickets yet so while one hung back the other approached the ticket counter to book their flights. As he neared the desk he couldn't help but notice that the woman behind the counter had a giant pair of breasts. Pulling his attention away from her bountiful bosoms in time to make eye contact and inquire about available flights, the man said "Afternoon ma'am, I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh." "Two tickets to Pittsburgh, you mean?" she asked. Embarrassed, the man answered "Yeah, sorry, Pittsburgh. Two tickets please." "No problem sir, you just had a Freudian slip," said the woman. "A Freu-...what?" "A Freudian slip. It means you were thinking one thing but meant to say another and they came out mixed together," she explained. "I suppose I did," said the man as he quickly paid for the tickets and rejoined his friend. Later, as the two yokels were seated in the plane, the second mentioned the ticket girl's impressive bust. "You bet your rear end I saw 'em. They gave me a Freudian slip," the first hillbilly answered. "A what slip?" "It's when you're thinking one thing, you try to say another, and they come out mixed together." "Oh, I had me one of them the other day," the second hillbilly said. "My wife was serving me breakfast in her curlers and ratty bathrobe and big rear end and I meant to tell her 'You burned the toast' but instead I said 'God drat it you fat ugly bitch you ruined my life!'
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Jul 2, 2010 04:15
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Here's a few of my favorites:quote:A boy is about to go on his first date, but he has no idea what to talk about. He asks his father for advice, and the pearls of wisdom in reply are, "Son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy." quote:"A city grew desperate when confounded by a plague of bank robberies. The thefts happened after hours with no visible signs of forced entry. Clueless, they called in a special detective to get to the bottom of the mystery. q: What did the fish say when it ran into the wall? a: Dam! q: Why did the little girl fall off of the swing? a: Because she had no arms. Today was crazy. All of a sudden during class a bunch of fire trucks showed up with lights glaring and sirens blaring. Firemen began running down the halls yelling into each classroom. It was scary, we didn't know what was going on or what to do. Then a fireman in full uniform ran into our class. He held up a screwdriver, and shouted "This is not a drill!" A pirate captain grew frustrated after being captured and interrogated. The captors kept demanding to know where his Buccaneers were? Finally, after he had enough of their demands he shouted: They're on me buccan' head ye scurvy fools!!!!
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Jul 2, 2010 23:46
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Haven't seen this one posted: So this 16 year old girl calls up her boyfriend and invites him over to dinner to meet her parents for the first time. She tells him to dress up and be nice and afterward they can sneak off and have sex for the first time. This obviously makes the boy very excited. In an effort to be prepared, he runs down to the pharmacy to buy condoms. As he stands there slack-jawed, staring at all of his options, the pharmacist notices and asks the boy if he needs any help. The boy explains his situation and the pharmacist not wanting to lead him astray explains the basics. When the pharmacist is finished he asks the boy if he's made a decision. Enthusiastically, the boy chooses the 12 pack as he believes he will be needing them. So the boy goes home and gets ready and shows up that night at his girlfriends house. Dinner is ready and they all sit around the table. The girlfriend's mother asks for everyone to bow their heads, so she can say grace and they all do so. The mother finishes and everyone looks up to see that the boyfriend still has his head down in prayer. Not wanting to be rude no one says anything. Five minutes pass. Then ten minutes. Finally, the girlfriend nudges her boyfriend and whispers "I didn't realize you were so religious." The boyfriend whispers back "I didn't realize your father was a pharmacist."
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Jul 3, 2010 00:14
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Old and dumb... Back in the early days of man, hunting was difficult. One of the more common methods of capturing big game was to dig a hole about 10 feet down. The hole would be filled with leaves and brush, then burned to cover the smell of the hunters waiting in the surrounding bushes. After the fire burned out, the bottom of the hole would be sprinkled with fresh peapods. So when the animals came to take a pea, the hunters would run up and kick them in the ash hole.
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Jul 3, 2010 05:29
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poo poo, I've got a 10-page Word document filled with these things. Here's a couple. Two guys are out enjoying a game of golf when they decide the couple in front of them is going too slow and one of them goes over to ask if they can play through. He comes back white faced and shaken and explains "I'm lucky they didn't see me, that's my wife and mistress." So the second guy goes off to ask instead and also comes back shaken and stammering "You wouldn't believe the coincidence." ------------- A rather ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer. What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender. 'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. On my way home from the bar, last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free, and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!' 'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender. Was she pretty?' “Dunno”, he said, “I never found the head!” -------------- What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme New Monix has a new favorite as of 06:46 on Jul 3, 2010 |
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Jul 3, 2010 06:42
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What happens when Satan goes bald? There'll be Hell Toupee. 
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Jul 3, 2010 06:45
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What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? The hooker washes her crack and sells it again.
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Jul 3, 2010 08:02
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Edit
Brice has a new favorite as of 05:59 on Feb 19, 2015 |
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Jul 4, 2010 15:38
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Brice posted:Two Scotsmen are out on a golf course when they notice a funeral procession passing by. One of the men takes his hat off and sets his club down and watches as it passes. The other man says "Well that was awfully kind of you." Too which he replies, "Its the least I could do, we were married for 40 years." I'm glad you posted that. Our deacon told that joke before today's sermon but I missed the first sentence and couldn't reconstruct the joke just from the part I heard. Though in his version, they were fishermen.
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Jul 4, 2010 19:59
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I don't really "tell" this joke (except to my closest male friends), but: Q: What do tampons and women have in common? A: They're both stuck-up cunts.
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Jul 4, 2010 21:18
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Q: What does an English football fan do after England wins the World Cup? A: He turns off his Playstation
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Jul 4, 2010 21:37
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Whats the name of the bloodies man in China? Tam Pon
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Jul 4, 2010 22:45
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Someone already told a version of the "Pickett to Titsburg" joke so I'll save my variation. An old man and a young man are walking through home depot and accidentally crash their carts into each other.  : Sorry I didn't see you there. I was looking for my wife. : That's OK, I'm also looking for my wife. Say, maybe we can help each other out, what does your wife look like?: Well, she's tall, has long blond hair, piercing blue eyes, huge tits and an amazing rear end. What does your wife look like?: Nevermind my wife, let's go look for your wife.------------------------------------ A man is sitting at a bar, enjoying his drink when an attractive young woman sits down next to him. She starts to notice that the man is looking at her, then his watch, and then bringing the watch to his ear. This process repeats several times. Finally the woman addresses the man.  :"Alright buddy, what's the deal with the watch?" :"Oh this? Why, it's the newest thing. It's a magical, psychic watch, and it can tell me anything I want to know":"Oh really, what's it saying about me?"The man looks at the woman, and back to the watch, and once more raises it to his ear. :"According to the watch, you aren't wearing any panties."The woman laughs him off. :"Well, that thing must be busted, because I am wearing panties."The man looks carefully at his watch again. :"Whoops, my mistake. drat thing's an hour ahead."
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Jul 5, 2010 05:11
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How does Lady Gaga like her steak? Raw-Raw-Rawrawraw
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Jul 5, 2010 14:39
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