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But why don't the men have to give up their names? Why aren't new husbands addressed as Mr. Wife's-Last-Name? I mean, it's not an ugly piece of furniture, it's an identity. I don't see how it's right simply because it's old-fashioned.
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Aug 12, 2010 03:49
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JohnnyRnR posted:It can be one of the difficult points of marriage. Starting a new family separate from outside influence is a thing that many young couples fail to do and it can cause deep resentment when the spouse's parents try to stay too involved in their child's life. Fair enough, but just because you don't want to take on your husband's name doesn't mean that you are still too strongly attached to your old family. In fact, keeping your own name could be a really good way to hold on to your family ties when you start a new family. I just think people are jumping to conclusions here, you have no idea whether or not she is ready to start a new family; if she feels that she is, then who are you to say that she's not just because she also values her old family?
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Aug 12, 2010 03:53
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What if we're both doctors? I'm an MD/PhD and he's a PhD. I'm keeping my last name and adding his last name as a second last name (but not hyphenating it) -- this is for professional purposes so I can use my old last name day-to-day, which is on my medical license. Should the announcer say our names as "Introducing: Dr. and Dr. Hislastname" ? Hm.. Now I have thinking to do!
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Aug 12, 2010 05:38
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Again, it's social vs. academic/professional. "Mister and Missus HerName MaidenName and Hisname Surname!" seems perfectly acceptable for any reception announcement. I have seen a lot of E/N threads recently in which marital problems result when one spouse doesn't make clear to their family that their husband/wife is their immediate family now, and thus their priority. But I don't see keeping my maiden name as not prioritizing my husband, it's just preserving my identity and my professional/academic achievements. Still, socially you can call me PopRocks Dingleberry and I don't care, as long as you can manage to get the mail to my house, more power to you.
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Aug 12, 2010 05:58
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I don't want to change my last name when I get married either due to I always wanted to keep my dad's last name since he was a doctor and I'm getting a doctorate as well. I even told my fiance that in social situation, I'd be fine being introduced as Mrs. Hislastname. It caused kinda a stink initially with my fiance. His parents didn't like it either. But...my aunt said it best: "You're not dishonoring your future husband, it's more like you're honoring your dad." The point of all this though, is no matter what I'm being called, I'm still going to be my guy's wife. To me, that's the most important thing. 
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Aug 12, 2010 06:06
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I'm changing my name for convenience (neither of our moms changed their names, and while he had no problems growing up, I had a TON, so that was my reasoning). We're both thousands of miles away from our families and they certainly don't have too much involvement, and I would be loving pissed if someone called me Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname. I'm not property. I hate the last name issue so much that I mailed out all my wedding invitations with first names only. Old-fashioned etiquette is kind of pointless these days.
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Aug 12, 2010 06:12
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I totally understand that my husband and I are a new unit, and I understand that to my husband, the only way that we can be cohesive is if we have the same last name. I don't see that as bad or wrong, but when I talk to him about it, he doesn't get how I feel about it. I've told him that if he could do something to show me that he understands just what a huge sacrifice it would be for me, that I'd feel much more comfortable changing my name for him. I even gave specific examples, such as have a shelf that has stuff representing my family's last name (like those coasters that have different letters on them). Maybe one of those frames that spell out my last name in word art. Something creative that shows me that he gets it. He hasn't done anything yet, so I don't feel compelled to change my name. I think he just really doesn't understand what it means to me, because he doesn't have to even think of what it would feel like to change his identity.
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Aug 12, 2010 06:13
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Everyone has different reasons for taking a last name or sticking with the maiden name. Personally, I really dig my guy's last name (Stephanie Castro rings better than Olson) and I'm fine with distancing myself from my family due to an... interesting upbringing. That said, is there a delicate, proper way to kick a bridesmaid out of the party? Things with this lass just aren't as peachy as they used to be.
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Aug 12, 2010 07:29
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Bewildrbeast posted:That said, is there a delicate, proper way to kick a bridesmaid out of the party? Things with this lass just aren't as peachy as they used to be. If you've had a falling out just tell her she can't come to the wedding and never see her again.
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Aug 12, 2010 07:58
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How do you politely tell a white-trashy bridesmaid that if she shows up with hickeys, she's giving the dress to someone else and getting the hell out? Edit: How do you tell a future mother in law that if she sends out invitations (she made her own on plain print paper with clip-art and all sorts of hilarious fonts, and they are tri-fold like a pamphlet) and strangers show up at my wedding, her and the strangers can get the hell out? Eloping sounds glorious. VVVV I should mention that we've told her we have our own invitations and will be printing them ourselves and we absolutely dont need any about a dozen times to her. Spermy Smurf fucked around with this message at 16:08 on Aug 12, 2010 |
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Aug 12, 2010 14:26
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Argenterie posted:What if we're both doctors? I'm an MD/PhD and he's a PhD. I'm keeping my last name and adding his last name as a second last name (but not hyphenating it) -- this is for professional purposes so I can use my old last name day-to-day, which is on my medical license. Should the announcer say our names as "Introducing: Dr. and Dr. Hislastname" ? Hm.. Now I have thinking to do! We want to jokingly get introduced as "Dr. and Mr. wifefirstname wifelastname," but I think it would be a bit too unserious. Spermy Smurf posted:Edit: How do you tell a future mother in law that if she sends out invitations (she made her own on plain print paper with clip-art and all sorts of hilarious fonts, and they are tri-fold like a pamphlet) and strangers show up at my wedding, her and the strangers can get the hell out? Also, our invitations went out Monday, and we already have like five responses.
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Aug 12, 2010 15:54
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For us there was no argument about taking last names. It's just part of marriage and shouldn't be taken as a submissive thing by women. The only guy I remember who had a hyphenated name growing up was a guy named Dale Begg-Smith... you may know him as the evil spam-empire millionaire and heroic multi-Olympic gold medalist snowboarder. Obviously the dual name helped create dual personalities.
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Aug 12, 2010 16:32
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I kept my last name because I like it. Yes, I consider myself a feminist, but it doesn't have to be a bigger deal than that. If people want to call me Mrs. Cidrick, then that's cool too. I haven't had any problems with banks or whatever yet, and it's been about a year and a half.
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Aug 12, 2010 16:58
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I see myself as a feminist, yet I'm most likely not going to keep my own name when I get married. I just think it's much easier for a family for everyone to have the same last name (wife, husband, kids), and I really don't care if that last name is mine, his, or a new one altogether. I think a new one would be neat, but I have no idea what it would be. He would also like to keep his last name because it is quite meaningful to him, so since it's really nothing one way or the other to me, I'll just take his so we're a coherent unit. If I wanted to keep my last name for professional reasons (like the PhDs in this thread or for some other reasons), I'd probably want him to change his to mine, though. I just think it's a bit odd for a family to have all different names. And if I kept my name and he kept his, what would our kids have as a last name? His? Why not mine? But then whichever we would choose, the one with the last name not chosen would feel left out. Hyphenate? I just really dislike hyphenated names, so it'd really rather not do that. What if these kids with hyphenated names do the same with their kids, what a goddamn mess. One first name, one last name, it's just elegant and easier for everyone. Throw in a middle name for shits and giggle and that's it. (I don't have a middle name and sometimes wish I did, especially a really off-the-wall one.) I'm not going with his last name because it's traditional, or because I belong to him or anything like that. It's just easier all around. Also, his last name is much less common than mine and much cooler sounding, so I'm getting a pretty good deal. I would not want to be referred to as Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname though, that would be kind of irritating, although I'm sure the person saying it doesn't mean any insult.
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Aug 12, 2010 17:30
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My husband's mother uses both names. She is a nurse and all of her certifications are under her maiden name, so anything pertaining to work is in her maiden name. For her personal life she uses her married name. It doesn't necessarily have to be all or nothing.
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Aug 12, 2010 18:04
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Fire In The Disco posted:My husband's mother uses both names. She is a nurse and all of her certifications are under her maiden name, so anything pertaining to work is in her maiden name. For her personal life she uses her married name. It doesn't necessarily have to be all or nothing. What happened with the kids though? I kept my name because it's the name I started my academic career with and that I have a few minor (and soon major!) publications under. I'm perfectly happy to be referred to with his last name in my personal life, but what I would really love is to be able to use that name on school papers and whatnot when we have kids (if they take his name) so as to avoid confusion about them being my kids. But I couldn't sign papers with a non-legal name. Actually, I would have liked it if he took my name, but it wasn't even seriously considered. I guess it's just such a foreign idea to most guys that they can't even think about it beyond it being a joke or insulting. 
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Aug 12, 2010 19:36
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The kids have the married name. And so does she, unless it's related to work. She goes by the married name most of the time, but for work and all certifications, continuing education classes, etc, she uses her maiden name. I'll have to ask which one is on her driver's license. She may have hyphenated it on her license so that she could use both whenever she wanted to.
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Aug 12, 2010 19:48
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Fire In The Disco posted:I'll have to ask which one is on her driver's license. She may have hyphenated it on her license so that she could use both whenever she wanted to. (She just gave me my dad's last name because she thinks hyphenating is something you should only do to yourself) Cosinetta posted:I think a new one would be neat, but I have no idea what it would be.
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Aug 12, 2010 20:19
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Kiri koli posted:What happened with the kids though? I kept my name because it's the name I started my academic career with and that I have a few minor (and soon major!) publications under. I'm perfectly happy to be referred to with his last name in my personal life, but what I would really love is to be able to use that name on school papers and whatnot when we have kids (if they take his name) so as to avoid confusion about them being my kids. Bleh. I don't get that. If there was a good reason for my other half to keep her name, I'd change mine. As it stands neither of us have a major reason to keep our names (degrees, but no professional publications or the like) so we're just double naming. Her mum's maiden name (as it's dying out) and my dad's name. no hyphen though. Just Mr & Mrs hername myname. The kids already have the double name which made the choice easier.
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Aug 13, 2010 00:06
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Fire In The Disco posted:The kids have the married name. And so does she, unless it's related to work. She goes by the married name most of the time, but for work and all certifications, continuing education classes, etc, she uses her maiden name. This is what I want to do, but I have an irrational fear that I'm not going to be able to pick up my son from school or something like that. My fianc and I have considered a ton of different possibilities, like combining our names to make a new last name, or adding my last name as a second middle name for all of us. Those are cool in theory, but kind of a headache, so I think I'll just keep mine.
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Aug 13, 2010 00:44
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deviledseraphim posted:This is what I want to do, but I have an irrational fear that I'm not going to be able to pick up my son from school or something like that. Yeah, I asked my husband and he says he thinks she hyphenated it specifically to avoid issues with using both names. It says Firstname Maiden-Married on her driver's license. Half of the mail that comes to the house says Firstname Maiden cause it's nursing related and the other half says Firstname Married, cause it's not.
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Aug 13, 2010 00:48
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I kept my maiden name. Occasionally we'll get mail from older relatives addressing me as Mrs. Hislastname but it doesn't really bother me. I didn't change it because my last name is my last name; just because something is a tradition doesn't mean everyone has to do it. I don't have any publications or anything and his last name is not horrible, it just felt like my name is part of my identity and it would be weird to change it. When people ask why I didn't change my name I tell them it was because we had just ordered checks for our joint account and it seemed a shame to waste them. That gets some interesting reactions. When they (inevitably) ask what we will use for any future kids' last names, we tell them all children will be named Batman. I don't know why people are compelled to be so concerned by the minutia of other peoples lives. At our wedding, we specifically had the DJ introduce us as "for the first time as husband and wife, myfirstname and hisfirstname!" No one complained. I know a lot of people drop their middle name and use their maiden name as a new middle name. My grandmother intentionally gave my three aunts no middle name so that when they married they could easily transition their last name to a middle name. Despite her pre-planning, one of them never married and the other two kept their maiden names.
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Aug 13, 2010 03:03
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I'm getting married next year and also having a baby this year, so the last name thing has been on my mind, both what to call our child and what I want to be called after the wedding. I want to keep my last name and pass it on to our child because my dad died when I was young and I want to be able to continue it, and also its a slight feminist thing of 'why should I have to?'. This might sound petty but then maybe women asking for the vote sounded petty too (yes I am aware that these are not comparable and I am exaggerating). But in the end I'll almost definitely go with what is less hassle. On wedding related stuff, we have booked the venue for September, 2011, got a band sorted (Scottish wedding so ceilidh) and checked with the registrar that she is available that day. Thinking now I can sit back and relax until early next year - is there anything else that MUST be done now?
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Aug 13, 2010 09:39
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I plan on changing my name for sure. I am a bit of a feminist, but I don't see the name change as me being his property. I've been waiting to be a part of the hubby's family since I was 16 years old, so it's just an about-time thing for me. I've always planned on taking his name. I'm still part of my current family (calling it my old family and new family is weird to me, too, because it's not like you're leaving the family you were born into completely behind, you're expanding it to include a bunch more people), and I might miss my maiden name, but his name is just so much easier to spell, let alone say. And like someone else said, I wouldn't want to hyphenate, and then give the kids the hyphenated name, because what if they hyphenate? And then the grandkids hyphenate... Some kid could easily have 6 last names, and what would the point be after a while, because I have no doubt that at least one of those kids would be sick of having so many names, and they would dump it for someone else's name anyway. My mom got married when I was little, and then again to the same guy when I was a teenager, and she changed her mind between the first time and the second, and she's hyphenating now (even though he passed away almost ten years ago). I make fun of her, because technically, her name is "Mom Maidenname Marriedname Maidenname Marriedname Maidenname-Marriedname". I'd rather not have my poor kids try to figure out all that mess. tl;dr: I'll be Mrs. Hubby'sname, because I've seen how ridiculous it can get. Thanks, Mom.
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Aug 13, 2010 15:52
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I didn't used to think that taking my husband's last name would make me feel like his property, but a year and a half later I'm starting to feel differently. I just moved to England and here they put "Mrs. Amethyst Bliss" on my debit and credit cards, mail, etc. instead of just my first and last name. We got married pretty young (22, 23), and I look like I'm about 15 to begin with. Thanks to this lovely idea to put my marital status on my cards, a few times a week I have jackasses telling me I'm too young to get married and lecturing me about my personal life choices. Of course, since "Mr." is marriage neutral, my husband doesn't have this same problem and I've come to view it as totally sexist. Of course, this has much more to do with bank policies than it does with taking my husband's name. I don't get on well with my dad's side of the family, so I was delighted to get rid of my maiden name .
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Aug 13, 2010 17:48
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amethystbliss posted:I didn't used to think that taking my husband's last name would make me feel like his property, but a year and a half later I'm starting to feel differently. In this situation though, even if you kept your name, wouldn't they sill put the married prefix on the card?
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Aug 13, 2010 18:38
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LorneReams posted:In this situation though, even if you kept your name, wouldn't they sill put the married prefix on the card? At least in the US (on the forms I've filled out), there's an option for Ms instead of Mrs or Miss. That's what I pick, since I didn't take my husband's last name.
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Aug 13, 2010 19:11
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Something really cool that a co-worker of mine and her new husband did, rather than one taking the other's name, was take the first part of one's last name and the end of the other's last name and mash them together. Granted, this might only work in some cases, but I thought it was a really creative way to settle the debate and symbolize their unification even more.
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Aug 13, 2010 19:17
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LorneReams posted:In this situation though, even if you kept your name, wouldn't they sill put the married prefix on the card? I just find it very odd since none of my US cards have "Mrs." printed on them, just my first and last name which I'm fine with. I don't see why the title is really relevant for debit or credit cards in the first place. Grr.
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Aug 13, 2010 19:54
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amethystbliss posted:It's possible, though I'm not sure. I was never given the option of a "Ms." box to tick, they just took it from my application that I am a married female and thus "Mrs." It's definitely a US v UK thing (can't speak for other countries). Every form I ever filled out in the UK had me tick a title box. In the US, I can't remember the last form I filled out that even had title boxes. Mail I receive from the UK always has a title on it, too (as a girl, I remember seeing Miss firstname lastname and thinking it was weird). Back on topic a bit, there were definitely arguments over me not changing my name. Things calmed the hell down after I explained to my fiance that it wasn't going to make us less married or less of a permanent couple. He comes from a pretty old-school family, though, so my mail is all over the place. Mrs myfirst his last, Mrs hisfirst hislast (Emily Post style correct), Mrs myfirst mylast (really not right in any way) and occasionally my actual name. I'm still hoping for junk mail with Mr hisfirst mylast. I have discovered that banks don't give a poo poo if you write "For deposit only" on the back of the check, though. Avoids me trying to sign a check without my name on it.
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Aug 13, 2010 20:32
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I was going to keep my name, but recently decided to go ahead and change it. He really didn't care either way, but I'm doing it for simplicity's sake. We have last names that sound absolutely AWFUL together and there was no way we could have combined them. I'm tired enough of trying to convince people that a) Yes, I AM getting married and b) you DON'T have to have an engagement ring to be engaged. I don't even want to think about having to deal with convincing the gas company we're married, don't have the same last name, but yes I AM authorized to speak with you regarding the account! I tried to get him to change his last name to McJagger so we could be Matt and Melissa McJagger (best name ever) but he wouldn't. He's the 3rd son, though, so I think it's just selfishness. (He's also a goon, hi honey, love you!) We're getting married in 6 weeks. Totally starting to freak out. We've been planning this for a year and a half and spent a very long time WAY ahead of the game. For those of you planning a wedding for next year, trust me, it absolutely flies. We still have to do seating arrangements (UGH), place cards, my bouquet isn't done (making it out of brooches), bridesmaid doesn't have a dress, my skirt is too big and I have to take it in, my top is still at the seamstress, my mother doesn't know what she's wearing, I have to buy candles and florist foam, we have to get wedding bands, and we still have to pay the caterer, bar tab, most of the tent rental, 1/2 the sound equipment, and the photographer.  But our invitations went out in the mail this morning, only 2 weeks past when the internet said they should!I was told the other day that I was right, we should have gone to Vegas. TOO LATE NOW!
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Aug 13, 2010 22:41
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My mom kept her name, but I have both last names, with her last name as a middle name after my other middle name. I wonder what I will do if I get married though...(3 last names? Drop both last names? Hyphens?)
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Aug 14, 2010 00:18
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fwiw, I'm a guy and my fiancee and I (2 weeks left!) have been talking for the past 2 months re: last names. She was surprised when I told her I've considered taking on her last name. To me, it makes sense because at the moment she has a professional career and I'm still trying to get into my field. So comparing the two, she has been getting rapid career advancement and I'm still looking for jobs at the moment, it really wasn't a difficult situation for me. It also helps that I've had 3 different last names (mom married, divorced, and remarried) in the past. v  vStill trying to figure out how to break the news to my family because it does go against normal traditions.
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Aug 14, 2010 03:20
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I have a Swedish friend who changed to his wife's last name since his was so generic in Sweden (Persson) that he actually welcomed having something a little bit different. The new name sounds nicer IMO. It made my eyebrow raise a bit when he told me, since I had never heard of anyone doing that, but I totally respected him for it. Especially since my name is incredibly generic in Scandinavia as well. If last name was Shart or something, I'd consider it myself.
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Aug 14, 2010 05:10
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fwiw I'm a hypenated kid and whatever you do don't hypenate. Don't do it for the kids. It's annoying as gently caress for you, it's annoying as gently caress for your kids if you're going to have them, god don't do it don't do it don't do it. Also I am a huge feminist but my boyfriend has an awesome last name and I am deeply conflicted over this highly theoretical question.
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Aug 14, 2010 05:20
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Nicol Bolas posted:Also I am a huge feminist but my boyfriend has an awesome last name and I am deeply conflicted over this highly theoretical question. If it's that good just do it. There's your explanation right there.
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Aug 14, 2010 06:03
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Nicol Bolas posted:Also I am a huge feminist but my boyfriend has an awesome last name and I am deeply conflicted over this highly theoretical question. The thing about feminism isn't that now you should keep your name, but more that now you have a choice to do what you want. That's what feminism is about. Not the opposite of what was before, but having the ability to choose and do what you want because it's your will and not a patriarchal society's will. I had been thinking about keeping my name but I'm going to change to his. Neither of us is really established yet career-wise, so it doesn't matter who takes whose name. But we'll be a family unit, so I think it will be better for us to all have the same last name, and his is kinda cool and definitely more unique than mine, so his wins out. In other news, ack only seven days left as a single woman and I still need to buy stuff and make all the centerpieces and favors! I'm starting to smell a family rally time...
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Aug 14, 2010 14:32
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vanessa posted:The thing about feminism isn't that now you should keep your name, but more that now you have a choice to do what you want. That's what feminism is about. Not the opposite of what was before, but having the ability to choose and do what you want because it's your will and not a patriarchal society's will. This, definitely. Taking his name is a perfectly feminist thing to do as long as you WANT to do it. I'm having a blast making my own wedding album. I didn't think I wanted one because I'm not a fan of printing out pictures and sticking them in plastic sleeves and all the photographers wanted to double their fees just to make an album. But now I've found some photobook publishing websites with good reps, I'm having a lot of fun making a coffeetable book-style album. I'm going to put in some text (our wedding vows, the translation of the Latin poems on our cake), but I'm torn on whether to put in anything else. I'm not really the type to write out a sappy paragraph on how we first met or whatever. Did anyone make their own album and where there any cool things you did or have seen in others? I'm currently going with myPublisher to make it because their software is decent. Any experience with them or other publishers?
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Aug 14, 2010 15:30
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vanessa posted:The thing about feminism isn't that now you should keep your name, but more that now you have a choice to do what you want. That's what feminism is about. Not the opposite of what was before, but having the ability to choose and do what you want because it's your will and not a patriarchal society's will. Oh, I know, I know, my conflict is really that is galls me on a deep and visceral level and a lot of people identify me with my full, crazy, hypenated name, so it feels like I'd be giving up a big part of my identity. On the other hand: his last name is short & snappy (much shorter & snappier than mine, and that's something I've kind of wanted since I was a kid) AND it's basically a sound effect.
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Aug 14, 2010 16:35
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His last name is "Pow!" isn't it? 
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Aug 14, 2010 16:37
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