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JD Brickmeister
Sep 4, 2008

by Y Kant Ozma Post

Cuchulain posted:

I'm an EMT.

I can't really watch horror movies or anything that gory any more because I keep getting images of these injuries I've seen.

I honestly don't know how you do it. I just assumed that EMT's either got used to it or had the type of mental ability to just shut that off or something.

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adnam
Aug 28, 2006

Christmas Whale fully subsidized by ThatsMyBoye

dinozombiesgoRARR posted:

Yeah, unconscious would be best. Even if they were awake and quiet but sort of apologetic ("I'm terribly sorry to put you through all this trouble, I'm most embarrassed") would be horrific.

I think the worst is when they're obviously ruined and not going to make it.

And then it's just the silent pleading of the eyes going "Don't let me die. Don't let me die. Don't let me die."

And you can't do a drat thing. :sigh:

No wonder so many medical professionals self-medicate these days.

unhwillneverwin
Oct 16, 2010

Smashing through the boundaries
Lunacy has found me
Cannot stop the battery!

Cuchulain posted:

I'm an EMT, shortly after I started working, I met a man who had been struck in the face by an industrial belt sander that snapped. It tore almost all of the skin from his forehead to his collar bone right off, smashed out some teeth, destroyed one eye. You could see muscle and teeth and the inside of his mouth and the workings of his throat and blood everywhere and he wouldn't stop screaming and staring at me and sometimes I wake up when I remember his face while I'm asleep.

I saw something like that again this week and I've been all hosed up about it.

I can't really watch horror movies or anything that gory any more because I keep getting images of these injuries I've seen. It's better when they're unconscious. The screaming is bad but sometimes they just whisper and it's like it yanks away part of you when you hear it.

You EMTs can never get paid enough to put up with the horrors that you encounter everyday.

DarkCrawler
Apr 6, 2009

by vyelkin
I don't understand how someone could be an ETM. I guess it's really a job calling, because...I just couldn't do it. Jeez.

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003

DarkCrawler posted:

I don't understand how someone could be an ETM. I guess it's really a job calling, because...I just couldn't do it. Jeez.

Don't you just stand around accepting cards and giving out money all day? Wait, hang on.

McBeth
Jul 11, 2006
Odeipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.

Lolitas Alright! posted:

red hair...

If you have red hair for long periods of time (my whole life) you are familiar with the people who come up to you out of nowhere to comment awkwardly on your hair color. Usually it's the 'I've seen you here before/been watching you, is your hair color real?' Last time I was in the work bathroom washing my hands and some lady comes out of the stall and excitedly tells me I just missed her daughter visiting and she has red hair too and we could be friends. Other favorites include, 'Is this person (with the same hair color) your sister I told her all about you...' (random guy on the bus), 'I bet you wouldn't ever be a nudist cause everyone would be checking out the other hair' (random friends sister).

Welcome to the club.

Lolitas Alright!
Sep 15, 2007

This is your friend.
She fights for your freedom.

McBeth posted:

If you have red hair for long periods of time (my whole life) you are familiar with the people who come up to you out of nowhere to comment awkwardly on your hair color. Usually it's the 'I've seen you here before/been watching you, is your hair color real?' Last time I was in the work bathroom washing my hands and some lady comes out of the stall and excitedly tells me I just missed her daughter visiting and she has red hair too and we could be friends. Other favorites include, 'Is this person (with the same hair color) your sister I told her all about you...' (random guy on the bus), 'I bet you wouldn't ever be a nudist cause everyone would be checking out the other hair' (random friends sister).

Welcome to the club.

I've never had people get all weird about it like that, but I do get comments that they like my hair color. I've dyed it dark red off and on since I was about 14, so that's almost 10 years now. Most of the time it's "I love your hair color!", but the actor dude was just way over the top. He was acting like I was going to go "Yeah man, you're a sexy and mysterious actor, we should go gently caress in the back of the car that's the same color as my hair!"

My ex-husband has naturally red hair, and I had dyed mine approximately the same color at one point, so we got a lot of people at stores and such asking if we were siblings. :stare: It made me really question what they thought was acceptable behavior between a brother and sister, but then again, it was Texas. :j:

Ace Oliveira
Dec 27, 2009

"I wonder if there is beer on the sun."

McBeth posted:

If you have red hair for long periods of time (my whole life) you are familiar with the people who come up to you out of nowhere to comment awkwardly on your hair color. Usually it's the 'I've seen you here before/been watching you, is your hair color real?' Last time I was in the work bathroom washing my hands and some lady comes out of the stall and excitedly tells me I just missed her daughter visiting and she has red hair too and we could be friends. Other favorites include, 'Is this person (with the same hair color) your sister I told her all about you...' (random guy on the bus), 'I bet you wouldn't ever be a nudist cause everyone would be checking out the other hair' (random friends sister).

Welcome to the club.

Wow, seriously? I'm puzzled, who the hell says poo poo like that to people? I mean, I like girls with red hair and all, and a comment about a girl's hair isn't bad or anything, but what sort of drat comments are those?

Lolitas Alright! posted:

I've never had people get all weird about it like that, but I do get comments that they like my hair color. I've dyed it dark red off and on since I was about 14, so that's almost 10 years now. Most of the time it's "I love your hair color!", but the actor dude was just way over the top. He was acting like I was going to go "Yeah man, you're a sexy and mysterious actor, we should go gently caress in the back of the car that's the same color as my hair!"

My ex-husband has naturally red hair, and I had dyed mine approximately the same color at one point, so we got a lot of people at stores and such asking if we were siblings. :stare: It made me really question what they thought was acceptable behavior between a brother and sister, but then again, it was Texas. :j:

Yeah, commenting about a girl's hair isn't bad or anything, but talking about how it's the color of your car, and how you can toss the girl in the trunk like the giant guy did? Yeah, that's just creepy as gently caress.

Seriously, what the gently caress? I'm just confused, here. The comments from that guy were just bizarre. Creepy, too.

McBeth
Jul 11, 2006
Odeipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.

Lolitas Alright! posted:

Hair.

Yeah I've never had anyone go that far, other than making me wonder if they'd been stalking me...from a bus...

Me and my older brother lived nearby going to college and sometimes would hang out. We got a lot of 'either you two are brother and sister or a really cute couple' all the time. Talk about gross and disturbing and who the hell says that to people anyway? I had a redhead friend who when dating someone else with red hair would get asked if they were brother and sister and he always said yes and then kissed them on the lips because why not be both? Awesome friend.

Malachite_Dragon
Mar 31, 2010

Weaving Merry Christmas magic
My moment of simultaneous :wtc:, and for me, :smith::

Tonight, my parents were arguing. My father, a man in his early forties, is apparently so infuriated that he decides to go into the kitchen, soak his hands, walk back across the apartment, and fling water into my mother's face. I can only say and hope that it was water, because I didn't walk with him and didn't see what he covered his hands with. My mother flinches like he's just slapped her and goes into the bathroom while he seats himself back at his computer and re-starts Netflix.

I follow her in to see if she's alright, while she has her face covered in a towel drying off, and she flinches again thinking that it was him instead of me entering. Until tonight, I genuinely believed that was a line my father would never cross. It doesn't matter he didn't physically hit her; Emotionally, he might as well have. :smithicide: A man near twice my age, throwing a temper tantrum like toddler and terrifying/traumatizing his wife of twenty years.

What they were arguing about? Whether my (19 year old) sister would be home for dinner, which is apparently somehow my mother's fault. Really, dad? Really? :geno:

Dr. Dubious
Dec 5, 2010

Amputee Ninja Ryu Hayabusa
What up fellow Red Head goons :unsmith::hf::unsmith:.

My colour seems to be the colour that attracts all the weirdos. I get people asking if they can touch it (the last person I let do this caressed it lovingly :wtc:, obviously I haven't let anyone do it ever again) And one person telling me they wished they could scalp me and wear my hair because it's such an awesome colour. Also every red head I meet seems to think that we should be automatic bros, which isn't how this thing works at all. Love having the hair colour that seems to attract strange, obsessive people :smith:.

Related, I wish I had moments of :wtc: to share but my life has been a fairly boring one. Either that or I've suppressed everything bad that has ever happened. I'll see if I can drudge something up, obviously not as bad as some people in this thread.

Great Metal Jesus
Jun 11, 2007

Got no use for psychiatry
I can talk to the voices
in my head for free
Mood swings like an axe
Into those around me
My tongue is a double agent

Grayfawks posted:

What up fellow Red Head goons :unsmith::hf::unsmith:.

My colour seems to be the colour that attracts all the weirdos. I get people asking if they can touch it (the last person I let do this caressed it lovingly :wtc:, obviously I haven't let anyone do it ever again) And one person telling me they wished they could scalp me and wear my hair because it's such an awesome colour.

At least they asked. I've had a couple middle aged women come out of an English class and just start touching my hair. It's really bizarre and fairly uncomfortable. Yeah, I'm a guy with long red hair. No, that doesn't mean you can just start touching my head.

CoffeeInjection
Feb 27, 2011

by angerbeet
All this talk about weirdos being obsessed about red hair made me think of this X-Files episode (Scully, a redhead, has to deal with a serial killer who cuts the hair off his victims). Also watch the episode/show if you haven't, it's great.

Slanderer
May 6, 2007

Malachite_Dragon posted:

I follow her in to see if she's alright, while she has her face covered in a towel drying off, and she flinches again thinking that it was him instead of me entering. Until tonight, I genuinely believed that was a line my father would never cross. It doesn't matter he didn't physically hit her; Emotionally, he might as well have. :smithicide: A man near twice my age, throwing a temper tantrum like toddler and terrifying/traumatizing his wife of twenty years.

Is this a joke?

Is spritzing someone with water now serious, life-changing, traumatic domestic abuse?

Malachite_Dragon
Mar 31, 2010

Weaving Merry Christmas magic

Slanderer posted:

Is this a joke?

Is spritzing someone with water now serious, life-changing, traumatic domestic abuse?

The thread is about moments that disturbed you, they don't necessarily have to have the same impact on everyone who reads it.

JD Brickmeister
Sep 4, 2008

by Y Kant Ozma Post

Slanderer posted:

Is this a joke?

Is spritzing someone with water now serious, life-changing, traumatic domestic abuse?

Maybe - it depends on the situation. My 8-9 year old son was being a total poo poo, so I took half a glass of water and splashed him in the face. He stopped, but I kind of instantly regretted that I crossed a line there and haven't done it since. It's like you bring yourself down a level.

Redbush
Dec 22, 2008

JAILBAIT
Nthing the red head talk. I'm a natural red head and I've gotten old ladies touching my hair for years. It used to be especially bad when I was taking the bus when I was a young teenager, around 13 or 14.

I also look really young for my age. I'm 19, but most people think I'm around 13 or 14. A friend and I were in the same astronomy lab course, and we had to go on a sort of "field trip" to an observatory. We got lost and pulled over to ask border patrol for directions. I have no idea why border patrol was so far into the mountains and far away from the actual border.

We drove past them once without problem, but then turned around to go back the other way. One of the guys stopped us and asked to look in our trunk, then bent down and looked into the car window.

:cop: Where are you ladies going?
:) We're just looking for the observatory. Could you give us directions?
:cop: Where are you ladies from?
:) Oh, we're from [local college].
:cop: Both of you go to [local college]? I mean, obviously, you do. (Pointing to my friend who is driving and actually looks her age.) But you? (Pointing to me.)
:) Yeah, we're in the same class.
:cop: Are you sure? You look awfully young.
:( I'll show you my college ID, sir. I assure you that I am a college student.

He just stood there and stared at me for about 30 or so seconds with a furrowed brow, not saying anything. Why would I lie to him about something like that? It wouldn't matter whether I was a college student or a high school student, or even a middle school student (which people assume I am ALL. THE. TIME.)

Finally he decided I was telling the truth, although hesitantly. Then he gave us directions.

Why did he need to look in our trunk when we were coming back, but not going through the first time? Why was he so skeptical of me being a college student?

People are always telling me that I'll enjoy looking young when I'm older. Honestly, I'd just like someone to recognize that I am an adult without being COMPLETELY SURPRISED. :sigh:

Amorphous Blob
Jun 26, 2009

by Lowtax

(and can't post for 2 years!)

Redbush posted:

People are always telling me that I'll enjoy looking young when I'm older. Honestly, I'd just like someone to recognize that I am an adult without being COMPLETELY SURPRISED. :sigh:

At least when you're 40 you'll look 30 :haw:

I have the worst baby face in the world, and I routinely get mistaken for a 14 year old despite being 6 feet tall and 20 years old. :psyduck:

McBeth
Jul 11, 2006
Odeipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.

Amorphous Blob posted:

At least when you're 40 you'll look 30 :haw:

I have the worst baby face in the world, and I routinely get mistaken for a 14 year old despite being 6 feet tall and 20 years old. :psyduck:

I'm 35 and get mistaken for 25 most of the time. In one of my grad classes last semester someone commented on that Donny Osmond song 'Soldier of Love' and I mentioned how bummed people were when (in high school) it came out that he was the singer. Not only did I then have explain that yes I was in high school at the time but also discuss my age.

Also when me and my best friend saw some R movie when we were in our 20s (both the same age) the ticket person asked to see her id but not mine and apparently I threw my driver's license at him and said 'what you don't want to see mine?!'.

That never gets old, also it will never ever end. Have fun with that.

RC and Moon Pie
May 5, 2011

Amorphous Blob posted:

I have the worst baby face in the world, and I routinely get mistaken for a 14 year old despite being 6 feet tall and 20 years old. :psyduck:

I was hit on by a middle school age boy at a football game last year. I'm 29. No, he wasn't trying to pick up someone he thought was older.

Nickelodeon Household
Apr 11, 2010

I like chocolate MIIIILK
As a 30 year old who routinely gets carded for cigarettes (but seldom booze despite living in a college town) owing to a babyface, it does get better. I used to hate it, but ever since I turned 30 I've grown to like it.

And yes, it's amusing when you're a Ph.D. student and you take classes outside of your discipline and the professors look at you like must be a lost undergrad. Oddly though, every conference I've been at the other participants usually assume I'm a faculty member (I chalk this up to wearing expensive suits and being so professional in demeanor).

Jack MacAskill
Feb 21, 2011

Slanderer posted:

Is spritzing someone with water now serious, life-changing, traumatic domestic abuse?
I do this all the time for kicks, but that story did sound kind of hosed up. Doing it with malice, and just out of nowhere is pretty :wtc: indeed.

quote:

babyfaces
You guys need to grow you some beards.

Tardcore
Jan 24, 2011

Not cool enough for the Spider-man club.

Jack MacAskill posted:


You guys need to grow you some beards.

Woman beards? Because I assume most of them are women.

Birb Katter
Sep 18, 2010

BOATS STOPPED
CARBON TAX AXED
TURNBULL AS PM
LIBERALS WILL BE RE-ELECTED IN A LANDSLIDE

Jack MacAskill posted:

You guys need to grow you some beards.

Some people just can't grow beards too. At best I can get a peach fuzz goatee going. The upside is I'm mid 30's and still get carded (and 18 is legal drinking age).

McBeth
Jul 11, 2006
Odeipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.

RC and Moon Pie posted:

I was hit on by a middle school age boy at a football game last year. I'm 29. No, he wasn't trying to pick up someone he thought was older.

hahahahahah! I was chaperoning a middle school dance when I was about 23 and became aware of a kid who looked like he was about to ask me to dance. He kept moving closer, walking by me again and again. That was when I moved to guard some outside doors.

e: to be fair though I had boobs.

Nickelodeon Household
Apr 11, 2010

I like chocolate MIIIILK

Tardcore posted:

Woman beards? Because I assume most of them are women.

I'm a guy, but my beard quickly goes from stubble to full-on brillo/pubes in one week. And it grows in reddish while I have brown hair.

Jack MacAskill
Feb 21, 2011

Tardcore posted:

Woman beards? Because I assume most of them are women.
I know. :colbert:

Exercu
Dec 7, 2009

EAT WELL, SLEEP WELL, SHIT WELL! THERE'S YOUR ANSWER!!
So, to continue this hair colour what the christing, I'll attempt to show that redheads aren't the only ones who are exposed to this. My sister and I were in Barcelona along with our parents, she was around 10ish at the time. We're both naturally very bright blonde, mine bordering on being white at times, hers just being very bright blonde. So while we're waiting at a crosswalk, an old Spanish lady sidles up behind my sister and starts caressing her long blonde hair. My sister just looks at me with a sense of pure horror on her face and the old lady just keeps on fondling locks while I try to tell her to stop in Spanish. WHen the light eventually turns green, we walk, and the crazy lady just walks off on her own.

RillAkBea
Oct 11, 2008

Jack MacAskill posted:

You guys need to grow you some beards.

My friend did this with a moustache, except he doesn't have nearly enough hair coverage and combined with his fashion sense it makes him look a little immigrant-esque. Boy needs to shave it off already..

Malachite_Dragon
Mar 31, 2010

Weaving Merry Christmas magic
Some people are simply not meant for facial hair... :smith:

Sponge!
Dec 22, 2004

SPORK!

Malachite_Dragon posted:

Some people are simply not meant for facial hair... :smith:

Yes but the guy who got a face transplant has a beard. Science may someday allow me to have visually appealing facial hair. Any beard goons out there want to bequeath their beard to me in case of death?

Flavor Bear
Jan 13, 2008

Bear Love is Best Love

Malachite_Dragon posted:

Some people are simply not meant for facial hair... :smith:

This is what I realized about myself.
I don't do nearly enough drugs to pull off bright red muttonchops.

Juice Monkey
Jun 22, 2002

Cuchulain posted:

I'm an EMT

I want to give you mad props. You guys do amazing work and are horribly underpaid.

My WTC moment happened almost two years ago when I woke up in the hospital and my wife told me I had a cardiac arrest. No heartbeat for 25 min and now I am completely fine. No mental or physical deficiency's. They decided to put in an ICD but it hasn't had to shock or pace me since they put it in. My wife does AMAZING CPR and the first responders were amazing too. Keep up the good work.

Apathetic Artist
Dec 23, 2010

Sponge! posted:

Yes but the guy who got a face transplant has a beard. Science may someday allow me to have visually appealing facial hair. Any beard goons out there want to bequeath their beard to me in case of death?

Why not. Nobody else I know deserves this. Here you go:

Still want it?

Now, I present to you all, in reverse chronological order, three stories about defecating in public:

1) I was on my way to get a pick-up order, minding my own business, when I made eye contact with an old dame, who appeared to be sitting on a cement road block. She smiled at me, with what teeth she had left, and I returned it, continuing on my way without a care or thought.

On my journey back, with food in hand, I instinctively checked back over to the cement road block.

No old dame in sight, but she'd left behind the perfect swirl of poo poo that resembled, if not for the smell, those plastic shits found in gag shops.

2) Early afternoon, on the streetcar heading home from work. I spot this haggard woman who oddly circles a spot, stops suddenly with rear end facing wall and drops trou.

She, quickly and forcefully, splatters a stream of poo poo all down the side of this wall, forming a small pool of diarrhea at her feet. As fast as it began, it was over and she ran off before anybody nearby seemed to take note.

The wall she'd chosen was right at the entrance/exit to a dollar store.

3) I'd recently gotten my license and went driving around the city, around noon or so. I slowed at a crosswalk, in a less fortunate area, for an older man. He crossed slowly and I awaited him patiently, but once he'd gotten in front of me, he ceased to move forward.

Instead he turned to me, locked eyes, pulled his pants down to his ankles and defecated. He kept his eyes on me the entire time, until he'd crapped about half his weight.

Finished with his business, he pulled his pants back up to his waist and returned to the side he'd came from.

edit: broken tables by the tinniest bit... sorry.

JD Brickmeister
Sep 4, 2008

by Y Kant Ozma Post

Irsh posted:

The wall she'd chosen was right at the entrance/exit to a dollar store.

I don't know why, but this really adds a great deal to the story. Seriously.

Sponge!
Dec 22, 2004

SPORK!

Irsh posted:

Why not. Nobody else I know deserves this. Here you go:

Still want it?


I think I do! How long did that take to grow? For me it'd take the better part of two months to have comparable length.

Doctor Malaver
May 23, 2007

Ce qui s'est passé t'a rendu plus fort

Irsh posted:

Why not. Nobody else I know deserves this. Here you go:

Still want it?

Does it come with free facial paralysis?

Fender Anarchist
May 20, 2009

Fender Anarchist

Oh god, I just remembered the legendary story of how I met my good friend, we'll call him Zipper.

Alright, so this is about 5 years ago, we're all around 18, and a guy we knew was about to turn 18, so naturally the thing to do is get completely wasted. My friend, we'll call him DB, decided we would hold a party in this guy's honor at DB's grandparents' house, which we had to ourselves for the week. We invited a few close friends, it wasn't a massive kegger or anything, but we had a pretty good supply of booze for a bunch of kids with only a few liquor connections. There was DD, the designated driver; his brother, the Navy rear end in a top hat (sorry to any sailors reading this, but he was one of those "military hopefuls" who never actually joins the service but talks incessantly about how badass the service is that they've chosen to fellate), who believed himself to be the ultimate party monster and designated badass; Trini, our carribean friend who's an absolute blast to be with; and of course DB and myself, as well as a few people they knew but I didn't.

So right off the bat we start doing shots of Jack, you know, to prove how manly we were. After about 10, NA declare's that he's proved himself and wanders off, while the rest of us continue the festivities. Girls show up, music is played, good times all around. Trini decides he'll do the party a favor by making frozen chicken patty sandwiches for all, complete with ketchup. DD is off doing his supervisor thing, being one of the few people there of alcohol-consuming age. DB gets into an argument with his girlfriend over the phone, then starts hitting on a few girls.

Anyway, before long NA makes his triumphant return by flopping onto the couch, which he promptly falls off of, being completely smashed on half the alcohol the rest of us had partaken of. Needless to say, he's a complete lightweight, with inevitable results; we shortly discover that he had eaten lasagna before coming over, because it decided to come back up... right onto grandma's living room rug.

Enter Zipper.

This is one of the guys who I didn't know at the time. He played JV football, was known for drinking Sparks out of a gallon orange juice jug while at school, and regularly went mudding in a lowered GMC Sonoma with Camaro wheels and low-profile tires. In this Sonoma's bed he carried a recliner, in which he would pass out in the school parking lot after getting completely blazed. His dad does NOT own a dealership, but he is the head manager for both sales and service at one, so he had cool things at the time. This was Zipper, the man, the myth, the legend.

I did not know any of this. All I saw was this buzz-cut having drunk bastard wander in from the patio, make a beeline for NA on the couch, and sit down in front of him... right on the puke-covered rug, as though it wasn't even there. He strikes up a fairly one-sided conversation with NA, who proceeds to puke on him. But that's okay, because Zipper is wasted too, and he tells NA that it's going to be alright, he's had way worse, he'll feel fine in the morning. So we haul NA off to one of the bedrooms to recover, and that's the end of him for the night.

Me, DB and Trini step onto the back porch for a smoke, and start shooting the poo poo with some of the girls out there. Zipper emerges from within with a very slurred "HEY LADIEZZZ", bends over and proceeds to spew onto the ground. He then slips and falls, attempts to get up, falls several more times - all while continuing to proposition them, by the way.

He eventually goes through the door into the backyard, and we go back inside for more shots. DB goes into his bedroom for a while, then comes back out in his boxers and proclaims that he is cold and needs someone to keep him warm; one of the girls takes him up on it. [side note: when he woke up the next morning, he was still in his boxers, while she was naked in the arms of one of the other girls - I don't think it went how he thought. Also, he found a large slurpee cup full of vomit under his bed; :wtc: moment for him, no doubt.] Me and Trini, after sitting for a few minutes, suddenly wonder aloud where Zipper went off to, and promptly recall him going into the backyard, which is where our adventure takes us next. We discover that he had stumbled, hit his head on the steel table out there, passed out in the grass and was now doing the drunken backstroke amongst the sprinklers, which had turned on in the intervening hour. We got him up and dragged him onto the patio couch, putting a blanket over him for the night, or so we thought. Later we see him wander into the kitchen, and that's about it, we start going to sleep for the night.

The next morning, DB discovers the aforementioned slurpee cup, I discover that someone had puked all over the shoe pile, as well as someone's very expensive leather jacket, and we begin the process of cleaning. After washing the rug (which had an "unexplained" orange stain until they replaced it a few years later) and cleaning the outside floor, we turn to the patio couch, which we discover had piss on it - par for the course by this point. Trini, while cleaning the kitchen of assorted bottles and chicken debris, discovered that the jumbo ketchup bottle had gone missing. As we were cleaning the couch, Zipper walks outside and asks if any of us have seen his iPod headphones.

We all exchange glances, then as a unit looked over to the table in front of the couch. Upon it was the missing ketchup, Heinz, 36oz, turned on its side. Next to it was a paper plate, with red tomato-ey smears on it... and some very small bits of copper wire, rubber insulation and chunks of black plastic. We saw all this, we though on it for a few seconds, and Trini was the first to realize it, and spoke the words which shall forever be burned into our collective memories.

"Zipper.... you ate your loving headphones. With ketchup."

This man became one of my best friends. This man works at a Mazda dealership now.

Bees on Wheat
Jul 18, 2007

I've never been happy



QUAIL DIVISION
Buglord
All these stories about touching hair just reminded me of the counselor at my middle school. She used to take my hand all the time and caress it, or just admire it, and tell me how nice they were.. I would just awkwardly thank her for the compliment and pray to god she'd stop soon because she was an awful scary bitch if you weren't on her good side (like I ended up in 7th grade) :smith: and seriously, :wtc: ?

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Noodle Incident
Jun 20, 2010

You're so random.
This did not happen to me personally, but it's still an amazing story so bear with me.

A couple of weeks ago, some of my friends and I organized a home presentation for sex toys. You know, kind of like a tupperware presentation, but with dildos, lubes and such. Great times, and there are some good deals.

So the first half of the night wass dedicated to tasting and trying different massage oils, eatable chocolate and things like that. Then, we'd take a pause to go wash our hands and arms because, hey, they're full of tasty, smelly, glittery things. Just before that pause, the presenter, let's call her Cindy because that's her name, told us she had a little surprise for us. She showed us a little tube of intensifier gel that you put on your clit/rub on your balls and along the shaft to heighten your sensations down there. But that was not the surprise itself; she told us that she would leave the tube next to the sink, in the bathroom, and instructed us to try on a small amount of it, about the size of a pea. And so we did, each of us. We went in the bathroom, tried the lotion, washed our hands and arms and came back to the rest of the group.

That is not the awkward part. It was just funny, actually. And for the lotion, yes, it was kind of nice.

While waiting for our turn to go, we asked Cindy to share some of her stories. Surely, when you work as a sex toy presenter, you must have seen hosed up and funny poo poo. It was then that she told us the story of the Girl and the lotion.

See, a lot of people like to party during the presentation, and so, it happens fairly often that everybody's drunk. So when Cindy arrived at this guest's house, she wasn't surprised to see that everybody was already wasted. Oh well, drunk girls + sex toys is can't NOT be fun, and so Cindy takes a drink or two herself and starts the presentation. She soon tells them about the little pleasure enhancer that's going to be waiting for them by the bathroom sink.

The first part of the show had ended, and all the girls were talking and drinking while they took turns to go to the bathroom to wash and try the intensifiying gel. Now, this gel does enhance your sensations, but without any sexual arousal, all you'll feel is a little cold down there, kind of like what you feel in your mouth when you start chewing on a piece of mint gum. So no, no orgies, no screams, just a funny little feeling. Every girl that comes out of the bathroom walks a bit funny for a while, "hey, this is weird, but cool, oh, ok, let's get on with our lives."

Until The Girl comes out.

She's screaming "IT BURNS, OH MY GOD IT BURNS SO MUCH" and so forth. Everyone is a bit startled, Cindy being taken aback. It's the first time anybody reports such a painful sensation and she's actually starting to worry about some sort of sex toy-induced allergy. Meanwhile, the girl is still ranting about the fact that her crotch seems to be on fire.

Cindy asks her how much of the lotion she put on; it's a fairly inoffensive product, but if you put half the tube on your clit all at once, the sensations might get too intense and pass from yay to nay.

... but then came the girl's answer:
"Oh, not so much at all! Only two little sprays!"

...

Sprays. See, when I used the term lotion or gel to describe that thing, I meant exactly that: some transluscent cream that comes out of a tube when you squeeze it. So needless to say, sprays are out of the question.
WTF.

Cindy asks her again. The girl's answer is the same, only two little sprays.
Pssht, pssht and then OH MY GOD THE BURNING.

Turns out that the girl, in her drunken state of mind, had confused the 2,5 inches dark green lotion tube with a 10 inches Febreeze spray. Yes. She had sprayed Febreeze in her crotch. Only two little sprays. Of loving FEBREEZE in her VAGINA.

Aaaaand that is when Cindy realised that she had to go out of the house because she could no longer contain her laughter.

That pretty much concludes that story. Needless to say, from then on, Cindy always made sure to show people the tube of lotion and to ask the guests to clear the bathroom sink because you never know, someone might end up with toothpaste on their clit.

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