Sports Journalism Tumblr: A Black self-insert character called Jabaal Abdul-Simmons

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > Sports Journalism Tumblr: A Black self-insert character called Jabaal Abdul-Simmons

«‹›688 »

RembrandtQEinstein: Jul 1, 2009; A GOD, A MESSIAH, AN ARCHANGEL, A KING, A PRINCE, AND AN ALL TERRAIN VEHICLE.

Local MN sports writer Jim Souhan is horrible and I generally try my best to not read him, but I had to with the title of his most recent blog

Souhan posted:

When Kevin Slowey took the mound on Sunday, he could have had any number of goals.
He could have wanted to win a game. That's always good. Whether he wants the victory to help his teammates, or to help himself in arbitration, or to enhance his trade value, doesn't matter. You've got to want to win, right?

Or he could have wanted to help his team out, and save the bullpen for Monday, when the Twins have to play a doubleheader with a thin, injury-depleted pitching staff. Saving the bullpen would be a baseball moral victory.

Or he could have wanted to prove that he's a tougher guy than everyone thinks he is, after he bailed to the disabled list earlier this season because he didn't want to pitch in the bullpen.

So Slowey throws 95 pitches through seven innings. He looks sharp. He strikes out four, doesn't walk anybody, and he's down just 2-1.
If he goes out for the eighth inning, he has a chance to get a victory, or at least has a chance to save the Twins' bullpen for Monday.

Instead, he complained of a tight hamstring, forcing the Twins to bring in two relievers to pitch the eighth. The Twins lost 4-1, and Slowey didn't accomplish anything other than fortifying his reputation within the organization as a malingerer.

They need to trade this guy. The problem is, he's got a 5.31 ERA and a bad reputation. The Twins need to wait until teams are looking for pitching help this winter, and trade him for the best offer.

---------------------------------------------

I can't mention any names because of the sources of my information, but I was told that three different Twins were laughing or giggling or smiling in the late innings on Sunday, as the Twins lost 4-1.
It's amazing how a bad farm system has taught a bunch of young players that losing is the norm, and that there's no reason to get down about it.
That's one of the subjects of my Monday morning column.

He's one of the big reasons there are so many stupid sports fans in MN.

RembrandtQEinstein fucked around with this message at 08:29 on Sep 5, 2011

# ? Sep 5, 2011 08:26

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 17, 2024 15:18

fast cars loose anus: Mar 2, 2007; Pillbug

It never ceases to amaze me that people think you should mope your way through every single loss in a 162 game season

# ? Sep 5, 2011 08:29

BackInTheUSSR: Jun 22, 2004; 1.5 HR/9
ACE

RembrandtQEinstein posted:

Local MN sports writer Jim Souhan is horrible and I generally try my best to not read him, but I had to with the title of his most recent blog

He's one of the big reasons there are so many stupid sports fans in MN.

Honestly does this guy not watch baseball? Except for the playoffs I have never seen a completely stoic bench from the losing side. How he thinks that's even a thing is loving remarkable.

# ? Sep 5, 2011 09:02

RembrandtQEinstein: Jul 1, 2009; A GOD, A MESSIAH, AN ARCHANGEL, A KING, A PRINCE, AND AN ALL TERRAIN VEHICLE.

BackInTheUSSR posted:

Honestly does this guy not watch baseball? Except for the playoffs I have never seen a completely stoic bench from the losing side. How he thinks that's even a thing is loving remarkable.

He loves to blast Mauer so I'm guessing no, no he doesn't.

A girl I dated's dad works with him and apparently he's a super nice guy but I would really appreciate it if he pursued a different line of work.

# ? Sep 5, 2011 09:33

Doloen: Dec 18, 2004

Heres my favorite Souhan article from earlier this year. He presents the argument that the Twins are being handicapped by a higher payroll.

http://www.startribune.com/sports/twins/127395633.html

And my favorite part:

quote:

Since signing the deal, Mauer has played in 195 of his team's 278 games. He has been the starting catcher in 145 of those. Entering Tuesday's game, he had hit .315 with 10 home runs and 97 RBI in 717 at-bats since signing the extension.

He is performing like a banged-up $10 million-a-year player but is costing the Twins $23 million a year. Mauer's contract kept the Twins from bolstering their bullpen this winter, and it might keep them from re-signing Michael Cuddyer, who has vastly outperformed Mauer over the past two years.

The only thing Cuddyer outperforms on is homeruns but hey, dingers.

# ? Sep 5, 2011 16:37

KYOON GRIFFEY JR: Apr 12, 2010; Runner-up, TRP Sack Race 2021/22

also isn't pitching seven innings doing a pretty good job of saving the bullpen? how much does the bullpen need saving?

# ? Sep 5, 2011 22:01

Crazy Ted: Jul 29, 2003

RembrandtQEinstein posted:

He's one of the big reasons there are so many stupid sports fans in MN.

I think he (or Dan Barreiro or both) is the same guy who suggested a different Twins pitcher be literally assaulted for being caught on camera yawning in the bullpen during the late innings of a two-run loss earlier this year.

# ? Sep 6, 2011 03:22

Mornacale: Dec 19, 2007; n=y where
y=hope and n=folly,
prospects=lies, win=lose,

self=Pirates

KYOON GRIFFEY JR posted:

also isn't pitching seven innings doing a pretty good job of saving the bullpen? how much does the bullpen need saving?

You see, he should have kept pitching until he got that W. Even though he had already given up two runs and the offense only scored 1 in the game.

# ? Sep 6, 2011 03:47

MD2020: May 30, 2003; she had tiny Italian boobs.
Well that's my story.

John Steigerwald: Still not pulling any punches.

# ? Sep 8, 2011 14:17

Holy Diverticulitis: Dec 8, 2009; damn good anus! and hot!

I know this has probably been posted in a bunch of NCAA threads, but when something this thorough and well-written appears, it should probably get posted in this thread, too, just so nobody can miss it:

The Shame of College Sports

Edit: I'm still reading it, and it just gets more damning, more complete, more muckrakingly wonderful. College sports were already structurally indefensible, but this condemns the entire edifice from the foundation upward.

Holy Diverticulitis fucked around with this message at 10:42 on Sep 15, 2011

# ? Sep 15, 2011 10:20

LARGE THE HEAD: Sep 1, 2009; "Competitive greatness is when you play your best against the best."

"Learn as if you were to live forever; live as if you were to die tomorrow."

--John Wooden

That was very well done. He basically took all of the "NCAA doesn't change anything, doesn't care about student athletes, we know all this but nothing will still get done" paradigm and gives it a basis in reality. We won't soon see anything more comprehensive as to why the NCAA works the way it does.

# ? Sep 15, 2011 10:55

morestuff: Aug 2, 2008; You can't stop what's coming

Rick Reilly has been voted NSSA National Sportswriter of the Year eleven times. He is second only to the late Jim Murray of the Los Angeles Times (14) in number of times winning that award. In 2009, he joined a roster of journalism notables as winner of the Damon Runyon Award for Outstanding Contributions to Journalism. His work has also been recognized by the prestigious New York Newspaper Guild's Page One Award for Best Magazine Story.

He also eats garbage off of floors.

# ? Sep 15, 2011 17:09

R.D. Mangles: Jan 10, 2004

Grantland has a preview of Get Out of My Face, the Onion's take on the PTI/ATH/sportswriters yelling at each other genre. It's pretty funny and it's probably only about 5% more over the top than the actual shows.

e:

morestuff posted:

Rick Reilly has been voted NSSA National Sportswriter of the Year eleven times. He is second only to the late Jim Murray of the Los Angeles Times (14) in number of times winning that award. In 2009, he joined a roster of journalism notables as winner of the Damon Runyon Award for Outstanding Contributions to Journalism. His work has also been recognized by the prestigious New York Newspaper Guild's Page One Award for Best Magazine Story.

He also eats garbage off of floors.

When sportswriter Rick Reilly guaranteed that Indianapolis quarterback Peyton Manning would play in Week One, he put his money where is mouth was. Or at least his mouth where the floor was.

Reilly wrote that if Manning missed the game, he'd eat garbage off the floor. Manning's injury kept him out of the game, and Reilly had to eat his words-- in the form of stale popcorn.

While Manning sat on the bench, Reilly crawled on the ground, eating spilled popcorn like a Hungry Hungry Hippo.

"My prediction let my readers down," Reilly said, wiping carpet lint from his lips. "So I went down. To the floor. Where I munched that popcorn like a backed up dustbuster."

Reilly then complained about kernels stuck in his teeth.

R.D. Mangles fucked around with this message at 17:46 on Sep 15, 2011

# ? Sep 15, 2011 17:27

Badfinger: Dec 16, 2004; Timeouts?!

We'll take care of that.

R.D. Mangles posted:

Grantland has a preview of Get Out of My Face, the Onion's take on the PTI/ATH/sportswriters yelling at each other genre. It's pretty funny and it's probably only about 5% more over the top than the actual shows.

Holy crap

Tony Romo's handoffs "are like a water nymph putting a sugar teacake into the tiny trembling hand of a meadow faerie".

That's awesome.

# ? Sep 15, 2011 17:39

Doloen: Dec 18, 2004

BITCH I SELL CAINE posted:

The Shame of College Sports

quote:

Obscure NCAA rules have bedeviled Scott Boras, the preeminent sports agent for Major League Baseball stars, in cases that may ultimately prove more threatening to the NCAA than Ed O�Bannon�s antitrust suit. In 2008, Andrew Oliver, a sophomore pitcher for the Oklahoma State Cowboys, had been listed as the 12th-best professional prospect among sophomore players nationally. He decided to dismiss the two attorneys who had represented him out of high school, Robert and Tim Baratta, and retain Boras instead. Infuriated, the Barattas sent a spiteful letter to the NCAA. Oliver didn�t learn about this until the night before he was scheduled to pitch in the regional final for a place in the College World Series, when an NCAA investigator showed up to question him in the presence of lawyers for Oklahoma State. The investigator also questioned his father, Dave, a truck driver.

Had Tim Baratta been present in their home when the Minnesota Twins offered $390,000 for Oliver to sign out of high school? A yes would mean trouble. While the NCAA did not forbid all professional advice�indeed, Baseball America used to publish the names of agents representing draft-likely underclassmen�NCAA Bylaw 12.3.2.1 prohibited actual negotiation with any professional team by an adviser, on pain of disqualification for the college athlete. The questioning lasted past midnight.

Just hours before the game was to start the next day, Oklahoma State officials summoned Oliver to tell him he would not be pitching. Only later did he learn that the university feared that by letting him play while the NCAA adjudicated his case, the university would open not only the baseball team but all other Oklahoma State teams to broad punishment under the NCAA�s �restitution rule� (Bylaw 19.7), under which the NCAA threatens schools with sanctions if they obey any temporary court order benefiting a college athlete, should that order eventually be modified or removed. The baseball coach did not even let his ace tell his teammates the sad news in person. �He said, �It�s probably not a good idea for you to be at the game,�� Oliver recalls.

Holy poo poo.

Edit: that section just keeps getting worse, gently caress the Blue Jays.

Doloen fucked around with this message at 18:34 on Sep 15, 2011

# ? Sep 15, 2011 18:25

Badfinger: Dec 16, 2004; Timeouts?!

We'll take care of that.

YodaTFK posted:

Edit: that section just keeps getting worse, gently caress the Blue Jays.

I think you mean gently caress the NCAA.

# ? Sep 15, 2011 19:09

LARGE THE HEAD: Sep 1, 2009; "Competitive greatness is when you play your best against the best."

"Learn as if you were to live forever; live as if you were to die tomorrow."

--John Wooden

R.D. Mangles posted:

Grantland has a preview of Get Out of My Face, the Onion's take on the PTI/ATH/sportswriters yelling at each other genre. It's pretty funny and it's probably only about 5% more over the top than the actual shows.

"Doc, say something stupid."

"The Brewers will win the World Series."

"How do you stay alive?"

GOOMF is one of the best things the Onion has come up with since going to video. Holy poo poo.

# ? Sep 15, 2011 21:16

Kim Jong Il: Aug 16, 2003

It has its merits, but entirely misses the point. Most athletic departments lose money. Athletes aren't being exploited so that universities can make mega dollars. They are being exploited to subsidize non-revenue sports.

# ? Sep 16, 2011 00:20

Mornacale: Dec 19, 2007; n=y where
y=hope and n=folly,
prospects=lies, win=lose,

self=Pirates

Yeah, that article took apart a lot of NCAA poo poo, but ultimately it completely failed to consider the most important aspect of the whole issue: the impact of the situation on the ability of schools to provide an education to students.

# ? Sep 16, 2011 01:30

haljordan: Oct 22, 2004; the corpse of god is love.

R.D. Mangles posted:

Grantland has a preview of Get Out of My Face, the Onion's take on the PTI/ATH/sportswriters yelling at each other genre. It's pretty funny and it's probably only about 5% more over the top than the actual shows.

Its just like when 30 Rock had "Sports Shouting." If anything, that show was LESS over the top than most of what's actually on TV.

# ? Sep 16, 2011 17:01

leokitty: Apr 5, 2005; I live. I die. I live again.

This is how Jeff Passan's most recent column ends

quote:

A few more losses and it may be too late for the Heimlich or CPR. They�ll just be the 2011 Boston Red Sox, legends whose season takes but three words to describe: ggggaaahhh, ccccccchhhhh, aaaaaack.

Here is another excerpt

quote:

Boston can look at this two ways. One is that at least Lackey has time to salvage his five-year, $82.5 million deal after a mediocre first year and abysmal second. The other is that his numbers this year are awfully close to Pavano�s and LOL SMH.

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=jp-passan_10_degrees_red_sox_choke_blame_091911

# ? Sep 19, 2011 15:41

ElwoodCuse: Jan 11, 2004; we're puttin' the band back together

does even Bleacher Report do that? good lord

also thank you so much for introducing me to GOOMF

# ? Sep 19, 2011 15:46

Bigass Moth: Mar 6, 2004; I joined the #RXT REVOLUTION.

he knows...

leokitty posted:

This is how Jeff Passan's most recent column ends

Here is another excerpt

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=jp-passan_10_degrees_red_sox_choke_blame_091911

Reminder that the Red Sox have won two World Series in the last 8 years.

# ? Sep 19, 2011 17:01

Mornacale: Dec 19, 2007; n=y where
y=hope and n=folly,
prospects=lies, win=lose,

self=Pirates

For gently caress's sake, I'll write that poo poo for a lot cheaper.

# ? Sep 19, 2011 19:39

The broken bones: Jan 3, 2008; Out beyond winning and losing, there is a field.

I will meet you there.

leokitty posted:

This is how Jeff Passan's most recent column ends

Here is another excerpt

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=jp-passan_10_degrees_red_sox_choke_blame_091911

Sounds like someone hit the whiskey bottle while writing a column

# ? Sep 20, 2011 05:54

swizz: Oct 10, 2004; I can recall being broke with some friends in Tennessee and deciding to have a party and being able to afford only two-fifths of a $1.75 bourbon called Two Natural, whose label showed dice coming up 5 and 2. Its taste was memorable. The psychological effect was also notable.

Taylor Branch :worship:

That was the best article I've read on college athletics in years and probably ever

swizz fucked around with this message at 13:28 on Sep 20, 2011

# ? Sep 20, 2011 13:22

morestuff: Aug 2, 2008; You can't stop what's coming

Here's a nice article on the Tijuana Sports Hall of Fame.

# ? Sep 20, 2011 23:35

Mornacale: Dec 19, 2007; n=y where
y=hope and n=folly,
prospects=lies, win=lose,

self=Pirates

e: vvv Hahahaha, victory is mine.

# ? Sep 21, 2011 20:24

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

edit: BEATEN BY SECONDS, gently caress YOU MORNACALE

# ? Sep 21, 2011 20:24

euphronius: Feb 18, 2009

Mornacale posted:

e: vvv Hahahaha, victory is mine.

Is Tom Brady too pretty?

The most espn of questions.

# ? Sep 21, 2011 20:28

Nodoze: Aug 17, 2006; If it's only for a night I can live without you

"This whole issue is a bad idea"

Truer words have never been spoken

# ? Sep 21, 2011 20:34

morestuff: Aug 2, 2008; You can't stop what's coming

Are people upset about this? It seems kind of harmless, and makes more sense than their Body Issue and other gimmicks.

# ? Sep 21, 2011 20:44

KYOON GRIFFEY JR: Apr 12, 2010; Runner-up, TRP Sack Race 2021/22

seeing a loving Bruins cup ring makes me nauseous

simmons is correct

# ? Sep 21, 2011 21:17

xbilkis: Apr 11, 2005; god qb
me
jay hova

The fact that that cover isn't a parody defies logic

"Is Tom Brady Too Pretty?". is tom brady too pretty

# ? Sep 21, 2011 21:32

MourningView: Sep 2, 2006; Is this Heaven?

I am going to go out on a limb and guess that that article may not be completely serious.

# ? Sep 21, 2011 21:37

Badfinger: Dec 16, 2004; Timeouts?!

We'll take care of that.

KYOON GRIFFEY JR posted:

seeing a loving Bruins cup ring makes me nauseous

simmons is correct

Cannot believe the goddamn bruins won a loving Stanley Cup.

# ? Sep 21, 2011 22:00

KYOON GRIFFEY JR: Apr 12, 2010; Runner-up, TRP Sack Race 2021/22

Badfinger posted:

Cannot believe the goddamn bruins won a loving Stanley Cup.

i want to die

the only "upside" is i was reloed out of boston like two months before it happened allahu akbar

# ? Sep 21, 2011 22:46

Nerokerubina: Jun 7, 2007; I think swords are neat. Do you think swords are neat?!

The best part is the entire NHL preview being the last footnote on there.

# ? Sep 21, 2011 23:06

soggybagel: Aug 6, 2006; The official account of NFL Tackle Phil Loadholt.

Let's talk Football.

MorningView posted:

I am going to go out on a limb and guess that that article may not be completely serious.

No its obviously serious because ESPN is evil. I mean Boston Sucks By Artie Lange is sure to be compelling treatise on the faults of Boston as a city connecting its shortcomings in both culture but historical racism.

# ? Sep 21, 2011 23:28

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 17, 2024 15:18

Mornacale: Dec 19, 2007; n=y where
y=hope and n=folly,
prospects=lies, win=lose,

self=Pirates

soggybagel posted:

No its obviously serious because ESPN is evil. I mean Boston Sucks By Artie Lange is sure to be compelling treatise on the faults of Boston as a city connecting its shortcomings in both culture but historical racism.

So your premise is that it's alright as long as it's a joke?

# ? Sep 21, 2011 23:32

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > Sports Journalism Tumblr: A Black self-insert character called Jabaal Abdul-Simmons

«‹›688 »