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This has to be the single most awe inspiring thread I've read in a long time. I am looking forward to reading more of this hosed up journey called your teenage years.
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Nov 19, 2011 08:33
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This book just popped on the forums banner ad. I can only imagine that the author belongs in this thread.
Twiggy Johnson fucked around with this message at 22:39 on Nov 19, 2011 |
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Nov 19, 2011 22:36
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Twiggy Johnson posted:This book just popped on the forums banner ad. I can only imagine that the author belongs in this thread. I've been following the thread from the stat and and loving it, but this... What? How? How do they even get away with selling that? Why would one buy such a thing? I mean... I think I'm having an aneurism :/
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Nov 19, 2011 23:48
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"...but with dragons!" is my new favorite tagline.
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Nov 19, 2011 23:54
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I read the free sample of that book, because I had to, and it brings up more questions than it answers.
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Nov 20, 2011 00:08
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Amazon.com posted:Look for Similar Items by Category Uh-huh. It's a parody. Got it.
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Nov 20, 2011 00:44
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Twiggy Johnson posted:This book just popped on the forums banner ad. I can only imagine that the author belongs in this thread. You'd think it has something to do with this Cracked article from a couple years ago: http://www.cracked.com/blog/my-book-proposal-for-the-next-bestselling-piece-of-poo poo/ Maybe somebody took that idea to heart?
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Nov 20, 2011 01:42
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Enter the Dragon posted:"I'mma pork you with my dragon tail, is what I'm trying to say," Theo clarified, mistaking Bonita's stoic lack of personality for confusion.
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Nov 20, 2011 01:52
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Twiggy Johnson posted:I can't stop giggling like an idiot at that. Oh wow I should read this
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Nov 20, 2011 10:27
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UglyNoodles where are you? How was the surgery?
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Nov 20, 2011 10:37
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Hope the surgery went well! I want to hear about their past lives as anime! For some reason I keep picturing Heero sitting around in the cloud castle, raising 7 children approaching pubescence and wondering when his dear Magnolia will come back to him... One of my high school friends spent 8th or 9th grade being homeschooled because in 7th grade she decided she was Storm from the X-Men and insisted everyone, including teachers, must address her as so. She never quite lived that down from her classmates. No, she never really grew out of that phase and moved on to anime in high school and when I saw her myspace a few years ago she was heavily into LARPing.
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Nov 20, 2011 20:56
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21st Cherry boy posted:when I saw her myspace a few years ago she was heavily into LARPing. I'm going to try LARPing for the first time in a few weeks, and I really hope I don't run into too many people like that. I know I will, I just really really hope I don't.
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Nov 20, 2011 22:08
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Twiggy Johnson posted:This book just popped on the forums banner ad. I can only imagine that the author belongs in this thread. So they're past doing this with classics and on to books that aren't even ten years old yet. And how does this even qualify as a parody? Does adding dragons somehow make Twilight MORE silly?
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Nov 20, 2011 22:48
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Presumably Edward is now not only a World War One veteran but also the shadow of all things and the book catalogues his plan to kill the sun whilst trying to make out with a drippy girl. Get well soon uglyNoodles, this is one of the best pieces of writing I have seen in a very long while, so thank you and hopefully you'll be well again soon! And I had someone a bit like this in my life, he claimed to be able to see other people's "aura", but the made the mistake of generally announcing this to everyone. Suffice it to say when he described his own as "a sort of golden brown" it resulted in an explosion of laughter followed by everyone falling into a rendition of a certain 60's song. The fact that he stunk to high heaven and I had to sleep in the same room as him in both Hong Kong and Edinburgh didn't do anything to improve my opinion of the man. ofc I was a bit like this for a while before I started doing drama work, used to spend a bit of time watching sunbeams in a dusty house and going "do you think they are there own worlds" to very annoyed other people. Josef bugman fucked around with this message at 10:41 on Nov 21, 2011 |
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Nov 20, 2011 22:54
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Noodles, I am amazed that you can go through sexual assault, an insane sociopath for a friend, and homelessness and still come out as a decent human being. How do these people respond when they're called out on their bullshit? Do they ever have an excuse better than "No I can't show you the flying swallow ninja death touch; my sensei would send assassins after me for revealing his secrets"?
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Nov 20, 2011 23:18
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Ograbme posted:Noodles, I am amazed that you can go through sexual assault, an insane sociopath for a friend, and homelessness and still come out as a decent human being. Of course not. They're not justifying it to you, they're justifying it to themselves. And just what are you implying in that first paragraph, there? 
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Nov 20, 2011 23:36
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Noodles, thanks for telling us your story, this has been an amazing read so far.
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Nov 20, 2011 23:47
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Hedera Helix posted:Of course not. They're not justifying it to you, they're justifying it to themselves. That its amazing she isn't screwed up from her experiences and joining Denise in Astralrapeland, I think.
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Nov 21, 2011 04:18
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Hello all, never fear, for I have resisted the call of the cold fingers of Death and came out alive (If covered in bandages.) Verily, my blood is still warm, even despite the gruesome challenge of watching the Twilight series in its entirety back to back with a friend during my recovery. Yea, I do come before you beaten and scarred, my soul cleaved by the horrors mine eyes have witnessed, but still I come. Updates in the morning. 
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Nov 21, 2011 07:28
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Hooray! Glad things went well, Noodles. And not JUST because it means more stories, of course.  But also yay more stories! 
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Nov 21, 2011 08:14
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Glad to hear you are back and well, and my condolences for having to watch sparkling vampires make out.
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Nov 21, 2011 08:16
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Congrats on getting out of the surgery and the Twilight Saga alive.
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Nov 21, 2011 09:49
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uglynoodles posted:Hello all, never fear, for I have resisted the call of the cold fingers of Death and came out alive (If covered in bandages.) Verily, my blood is still warm, even despite the gruesome challenge of watching the Twilight series in its entirety back to back with a friend during my recovery. Yea, I do come before you beaten and scarred, my soul cleaved by the horrors mine eyes have witnessed, but still I come.  I think I'd rather have Denise. Were you at least allowed to snark, or is your friend one of the YOU NO MOCK THE SPARKLE! types?
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Nov 21, 2011 10:31
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"And on the third day Noodles rose from the grave and all did glory in the sight, for much lulz were forthcoming." Glad to hear that your back with us in the land of the living Noodles, and hope that the recovery process is as painless as possible. (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
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Nov 21, 2011 10:43
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Josef bugman posted:"And on the third day Noodles rose from the grave and all did glory in the sight, for much lulz were forthcoming." Blessed are the lovely drawing makers.
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Nov 21, 2011 11:19
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Glad to hear it all went well, Noodles I hope you recover quickly from both ordeals.Soviets posted:I'm going to try LARPing for the first time in a few weeks, and I really hope I don't run into too many people like that. I know I will, I just really really hope I don't. In my experience, the awesome people to genuine nutbag ratio has always been fairly encouraging in LARP societies. Being a social hobby, it tends to select against the "I'm secretly a wolf princess with a husband, ten kids and a successful ice cream franchise on the Astral Plane" type fairly quickly. Having said that, LARP does tend to attract a certain breed of arrogant powergaming douchebag, so it's a double-edged sword I guess.
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Nov 21, 2011 12:50
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eumenidy posted:it's a double-edged sword I guess. And a big foam one at that...
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Nov 21, 2011 15:35
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uglynoodles posted:Hello all, never fear, for I have resisted the call of the cold fingers of Death and came out alive (If covered in bandages.) Verily, my blood is still warm, even despite the gruesome challenge of watching the Twilight series in its entirety back to back with a friend during my recovery. Yea, I do come before you beaten and scarred, my soul cleaved by the horrors mine eyes have witnessed, but still I come. Glad you're up an at'em! I've been rating this thread a 5 every chance I get.  It's awesome, especially illustrated!I really hope you were at least watching the Rifftrax versions. Doesn't sound like it though  ...I hope your friend isn't a rabid Twilight fan."Line!", or if you prefer, "Llllladies!"
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Nov 21, 2011 18:12
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AlistairCookie posted:Glad you're up an at'em! I've been rating this thread a 5 every chance I get. The cast/director commentaries on the DVDs are good too.
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Nov 21, 2011 18:24
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Glad you made out of Twilight alive!
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Nov 21, 2011 18:32
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Twilight owns gently caress the haters.
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Nov 21, 2011 18:44
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Egads! Twilight *shudder* glad you made it out alive and glad that your surgery went well!
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Nov 21, 2011 18:51
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fork bomb posted:UglyNoodles where are you? How was the surgery? Your avatar brings me much joy, Fork Bomb. (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
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Nov 21, 2011 19:36
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I promised I'd post this so here it is. I feel it wanders a bit though but I'll gladly answer any questions if anyone has them. Hello, my name is Hentai! This is the story, mainly, of Hentai, mentioned briefly here by Salvador Dahlberg, and also a little bit about the assorted other people in the mentioned "anime club." Now, one detail that my esteemed countryman neglected to mention is that Hentai doesn't just call himself Hentai, oh no, he calls himself Lolicon Hentai. Yes, for real. For as long as I've known him he's been saying that he's saving up money to legally change his name to Lolicon Hentai. I'm fairly certain that changing your name here in Sweden is either free or comparatively cheap. It's certainly not something that one needs to save up for over years and years. So basically, Hentai is full of poo poo. He's a compulsive liar to the point of having made up several distinct people, including but not limited to his girlfriend, one or more children and one lesbian American defenceworker on loan to the Swedish defence for an indefinate period of time who is also a mother (though not the mother of his child(ren)). It's been a few years since I regularly talked to him which is coincidentally when I stopped going to the "anime club" in question so much of this may or may not be out of date. Anyway, I first met Hentai through a classmate in highschool, Paul. I'd taken an interest in pen and paper rpgs, and Paul invited me to come over and play some with a friend of his. We met up not far from where I lived, and head up to his friends apartment. This is where I first met Hentai, at his parents apartment. His room had somewhat interesting decor, what with giant posters that seemed to be sold as colour-in-yourself lineart of scantily clad anime women in multiple permutations of the same motif with different colouration, and shelves and bookcases overflowing with rather innocuous anime paraphernalia. Y'know, Evangelion action figures, the occasional figurine, the odd plastic model kit. Oh, and his 14 inch crt computer screen displaying his desktop background of, if I recall correctly, two very young anime girls in a semisexual position. Hentai decided that this would be a good time to tally up how many hentai pix he had. In the company of what is ostensibly a complete stranger. I don't remember if he specified if it was all of it or if it was just his lolicon, but at this point I was well and truly  and mostly nodded and hoped it would end soon.This was my first encounter with Hentai, and by this point I didn't know of his nick, only his real first name. Shortly after this, a couple months at most, I'm dragged to an anime club (not the same one as mentioned by Salvador Dahlberg, this one is an actual anime club, though I'll get to the one Salvador Dahlberg visited) by a friend of mine and life continued as normal. Eventually I attempt to drag Paul to the anime club, but he starts talking about Hentai dragging him to some anime club-thing in the same area as mine where there were furries and wierd people and poo poo. This confused me as my anime club had none of this and surely there could not be two anime clubs in the same area? A couple more months pass and one day as I arrive at the anime club I hear someone talking about how he's going to change his name to Hentai Lolicon. I immediately ridicule him, before my face memory kicks in and I realize that I know this person but I couldn't place him at all. A couple of weeks pass as I realize where I know him from and start asking Paul about the friend of his he introduced me to. Paul remains seemingly ignorant of his friends namechanging aspirations. Eventually I establish that Hentai was the same person with whom I'd roleplayed once and he remembered me as well. Shortly after this another friend, Herman, starts talking up a pnp rpg he'd been dungeonmastering (that in hindsight was a generic-ish powerfantasy game where all the players were some permutation of demi-god etc) and introduces me to an arts-and-crafts and generally nerdy poo poo club that was established by a man who has become a very close and dear friend of mine to "give kids something to do on fridays that doesn't involve copious ammounts of alcohol." I'm there to play some rpgs and I have a blast, but some of the personalities of the players start to shine through. There's Michael, a furry, probably the one Salvador Dahlberg was mostly thinking about when he made the furry and hambeast remarks about the club he was dragged to. Michael is a genuinely nice man and I wish him nothing but the best. There was also a large and burly guy who really doesn't know when to stop, well, anything, who was ostensibly also a furry going by the name of Panda. I do not like Panda, I never have, mostly because in one of my first encounters with him he made some "playful" threats in response to a joke. I never quite figured out if he really did mean for them to be playful or thinly-veiled actual threats. There was also the BDSM freak, whom I'll refer to as Freak. Freak is a motormouth who seems incapable of shutting up about anything and everything that interests him, such as bondage, bdsm, fetishes and how much snow he has shovelled and how much water in cubic centimeters that would be if thawed. The going to the same bdsm club as his sister thing that Salvador Dahlberg mentioned is news to me though. The only other mentionable here is TLS, or The Loud Scanian, named so because he is extremely loud (comes from a combination of ADHD and good old regular  ) and from Scania. This guy was majorly obsessed with the kind of cartoonish evil commonly associated with goths and also power fantasies. And sex. Lots and lots of sex. He would inevitably focus on those three things in any fantasy or science fiction property that interested him. And he would not hesitate to tell you about it. At length, preferably with strangers around and without a concept of an indoor voice. I hear he's gotten better though.Anyway, soon Hentai starts talking about this person, Madison, who is totally cool bro. She was an American who was employed by the American defence industry in some fashion that Hentai to my knowledge has never specified. She was on loan to the Swedish defence and had built a computer from old discarded computer parts that she'd gotten from the Swedish defence (henceforth reffered to as SAF) that was like, atleast five years ahead of civilian computer systems and would cost like, 30.000,- to build for a civvie.* She could also get anybody a firearms licence by making them an American Citizen~! Because as everyone knows, all Americans are granted a firearms licence upon birth. Yup. Gun-totin' toddlers all up in dis poo poo. Madison had also described how she would earn pocket money by putting a glass jar labelled "Please Do Not Put Money In This Jar" in American hotel lobbies. Apparently she made thousands of dollars doing this because Americans r dum amirite hurr durr. She would also give you a handsome ammount of money, about $7k (50.000 kronor) in fact, just to walk across a field (shooting range) holding a cardboard box. Oh Madison, you card! Eventually, Herman noticed Hentai being logged into Madison's email account while visiting him. Hentai said he was taking care of it when Madison was on vacation. A little later, the same scene played out but with her msn account. At this point Herman shared with me and the friend who had dragged me to the first anime club (Ashley) that Hentai's girlfriend whom nobody had met was as described by Hentai actually a composite of many of Hentai's favorite anime characters, down to having a twin with whom the young lady frequently engaged in incest with. Ashley, at this point wrote a script that she put up on her website that pulled a random picture from her archive and logged how many downloads and which IP adresses connected. She sent one link to Hentai, and one to Madison. One IP accessed the link. Both Hentai and Madison commented that it was a nice picture and when pressed described the same picture. Busted~ Eventually, the place the nerd club utilized became unavailable to us, but being plucky youngsters it took us only a few weeks to score a new place. This new place was lent to us under the stipulation that it be used for creative endeavors, and since arts and crafts and drawing was the actual principal focus of the club this was deemed a-ok. After about three months us roleplayers and videogamers began to wonder about these rules and decided to ask if these things fell under creative endeavors. The owners of the place came back with a negative, and so the group was split in two. Ashley graciously put us gamers up for a while, but as interest waned and we hemmorhaged members, it was soon down to six members, and it finally died after Ashley lost interest in roleplaying and I went away to boardingschool for a year to study animation. Meanwhile, the other part of the nerd club underwent dramatic changes unseen to me as the founder either lost interest or became busy with work. It went from being an artistically stimulating enviroment of friends to... well... basically creeplord/lady central as I understand it. I only ever revisited them once and found the club unrecognizeable. While I was at the boarding school, I was bitten by the Warhammer bug, and as it turned out, Hentai played too. I figured, eh, what the hell, may was well play him. We met up and played a 2v2 game with a mutual friend and some guy they knew. The game did not end well for me, as is to be expected because I'm terrible at it and because my opponents cheated  Nowadays, all the contact I have with Hentai is when he strikes up conversation about Warhammer on msn. He also talked to me about how him and Freak, and possibly Michael were going to start up a new club trying to get back to the roots of the nerdclub and how it would be like how that was before and would I please inform the old gang about it. I beleieve this to be the club with hookers Salvador Dahlberg mentioned them talking about. This is about all I have unless someone wants me to elaborate on anything, which I'll gladly do, within limits. *Having worked for SAF for the last year and a half through a temp agency and having had during this time access to a complete, if somewhat limited in scope and informational value, database over materiel, I can tell you that this claim is laughable. Granted, it's not impossible, and if the parts are from a unique system it's not unlikely the system itself would not exists as an entry in the database, but considering I could as far as I could tell pull up equipment lists of individual submarines, well...
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Nov 21, 2011 20:27
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Khadhul posted:
To be honest, this heartened me a bit because at least it's not just Americans who get caught up in this crazy weeaboo nonsense. How about a story from the other side? Here is the tale of Eiji, the Creeper of Koganei. When I first moved to Japan, I was living in a guesthouse. In terms of structure and function, it's pretty much like a college dorm- shared bathrooms, gender-segregated floors, and a shared kitchen and common room. Guesthouses are peculiar animals. Some are live-and-let-live, some are strictly regulated. Ours was one of the latter. I won't derail by describing it here, but suffice to say the place was operated by cult members and one time I found a used tampon in a cooking pot. Anyway, one of the rules was that you had to be between the ages of 18 and 36 to be a resident. As such, most of the tenants were college students, foreign English teachers, and the occasional bohemian trying to buck Japanese societal expectations. And then there was Eiji. I'd say he was about 5'4- skinny, but muscular- with a military-grade buzzcut and a perpetual ear-to-ear grin. Eiji looooooved foreign girls. Loved them. Loved them to the point where his room was plastered inch-deep with pictures of white girls he knew or had lived in the guesthouse at some point. Loved them to the point where he bought a car whose monthly payments must have greatly exceeded our rent, even though he couldn't drive and he did was wax it every day in the front parking lot and wait for girls to walk by. Loved them to the point where management had to install security cameras in the laundry room because he kept stealing our panties out of the washing machines. Eiji also had a great and magnificent dream- to join the US Army! he talked about it all the time and even Photoshopped his head onto the bodies of Army dudes in uniform. He was in "raining" and would talk to anyone who could stand to listen about how he was going to grow up and be a great American hero with a blonde wife and everything else an American hero deserves. It's mild compared to the Denise stories, but I'll never forget that little weirdo waylaying me in the common room to show me his shopped army dude self-portraits.
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Nov 21, 2011 21:21
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Glad the surgery stuff went well Uglynoodles. Someone brought up 'what do these people do when you question them' a little bit ago and I'd like to hear about that, especially wondering if anyone ever really pressed L. Hentai about Madison, Khadhul. I knew That Girl in high school who was so committed to her Cinderella story existence that when people started to realize her sisters were not insanely abusive, she took a fork to her own face so she'd have convincing enough scratches. It feels gratifying to call out someone who's lying, but you never know what they're gonna do.
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Nov 21, 2011 23:22
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bringmyfishback posted:Eiji, the Creeper of Koganei. Isn't Eiji a stereotypical creeper-name in Japanese media, kind of the same way Akira is usually someone who's ridiculously important/powerful?
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Nov 21, 2011 23:35
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I think the Japanese equivalent of weeaboo would be the Japanese people who pretend they are black/black rappers/in the ghetto. Even though I haven't seen too much of it lately, 3 or 4 years ago here in Japan I would run into folks into that when out with a huge group of people who were mostly college students. They call them selves B-boys or B-girls (b for black). "No man, I don't wanna eat no sushi! I want to get some Del Taco!! WORD!!" (starts to rap in Japanese after having 1 drink) http://www.baby-shoop.com/index2.php - Read the link marked concept. This is one of the popular b-girl brands of clothes. I have seen them sell shirts in there with n*gger printed in big letters. It is quite surreal.
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Nov 22, 2011 00:57
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Cinderella posted:I think the Japanese equivalent of weeaboo would be the Japanese people who pretend they are black/black rappers/in the ghetto. Even though I haven't seen too much of it lately, 3 or 4 years ago here in Japan I would run into folks into that when out with a huge group of people who were mostly college students. They call them selves B-boys or B-girls (b for black).
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Nov 22, 2011 02:39
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bringmyfishback posted:Ours was one of the latter. I won't derail by describing it here, but suffice to say the place was operated by cult members and one time I found a used tampon in a cooking pot. Do you... feel like elaborating on this?
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Nov 22, 2011 02:46
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