The neverending Weekend Web thread for bad posts about football

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Ray Parlour > The neverending Weekend Web thread for bad posts about football

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Big Piece O Shit: Jan 30, 2006

countdown to Maradona firing back in ... 3 ... 2 ...

# ? Apr 10, 2012 23:52

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# ? May 14, 2024 00:07

crappledan: Dec 17, 2009; Serious Title Contenders

Paperhouse posted:

guess who?????

yes, it's Pele

what the fuuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk

# ? Apr 11, 2012 00:49

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Romario really got it spot on with what he said about Pele

# ? Apr 11, 2012 07:34

The Clit Avoider: Aug 11, 2002; El Profesional

I'm semi-convinced Pele comes out with this poo poo because every time you hear about Messi possibly being the greatest ever or of that ilk, it's purely in terms of "has he surpassed Maradona or not?".

Personally, I always rated Maradona (and even Cruijff) ahead of him, and every time he opens his mouth these days I like him less.

# ? Apr 11, 2012 08:55

Xabi: Jan 21, 2006; Inventor of the Marmite pasty

I'd be bitter too if I hadn't had an erection for 30 years.

# ? Apr 11, 2012 11:15

Babby Thatcher: May 3, 2004; concept by my buddy kyle

always good to see a legend like Pele give a public nod to his fellow greats. Neymar, Nicky Butt... they're the main two

# ? Apr 11, 2012 14:22

Ho Chi Meeeeee: Jun 13, 2008; let me shovel out your brains
hang my image in your skull
so I can be the vision
in your nightmares from now on

From Newcastle Online:

It's a photoshop vaguely describing Demba Ba's cryotherapy .

# ? Apr 11, 2012 18:08

Mickolution: Oct 1, 2005; Ballers...I put numbers on the boards

quote:

Soccer Is Ruining America

Soccer is running America into the ground, and there is very little anyone can do about it. Social critics have long observed that we live in a therapeutic society that treats young people as if they can do no wrong. Every kid is a winner, and nobody is ever left behind, no matter how many times they watch the ball going the other way. Whether the dumbing down of America or soccer came first is hard to say, but soccer is clearly an important means by which American energy, drive and competitiveness are being undermined to the point of no return.

What other game, to put it bluntly, is so boring to watch? (Bowling and golf come to mind, but the sound of crashing pins and the sight of the well-attired strolling on perfectly kept greens are at least inherently pleasurable activities.) The linear, two-dimensional action of soccer is like the rocking of a boat but without any storm and while the boat has not even left the dock. Think of two posses pursuing their prey in opposite directions without any bullets in their guns. Soccer is the fluoridation of the American sporting scene.

For those who think I jest, let me put forth four points, which is more points than most fans will see in a week of games�and more points than most soccer players have scored since their pee-wee days.

1) Any sport that limits you to using your feet, with the occasional bang of the head, has something very wrong with it. Indeed, soccer is a liberal's dream of tragedy: It creates an egalitarian playing field by rigorously enforcing a uniform disability. Anthropologists commonly define man according to his use of hands. We have the thumb, an opposable digit that God gave us to distinguish us from animals that walk on all fours. The thumb lets us do things like throw baseballs and fold our hands in prayer. We can even talk with our hands. Have you ever seen a deaf person trying to talk with his feet? When you are really angry and acting like an animal, you kick out with your feet. Only fools punch a wall with their hands. The Iraqi who threw his shoes at President Bush was following his primordial instincts. Showing someone your feet, or sticking your shoes in someone's face, is the ultimate sign of disrespect. Do kids ever say, "Trick or Treat, smell my hands"? Did Jesus wash his disciples' hands at the Last Supper? No, hands are divine (they are one of the body parts most frequently attributed to God), while feet are in need of redemption. In all the portraits of God's wrath, never once is he pictured as wanting to step on us or kick us; he does not stoop that low.

2) Sporting should be about breaking kids down before you start building them up. Take baseball, for example. When I was a kid, baseball was the most popular sport precisely because it was so demanding. Even its language was intimidating, with bases, bats, strikes and outs. Striding up to the plate gave each of us a chance to act like we were starring in a Western movie, and tapping the bat to the plate gave us our first experience with inventing self-indulgent personal rituals. The boy chosen to be the pitcher was inevitably the first kid on the team to reach puberty, and he threw a hard ball right at you.

Thus, you had to face the fear of disfigurement as well as the statistical probability of striking out. The spectacle of your failure was so public that it was like having all of your friends invited to your home to watch your dad forcing you to eat your vegetables. We also spent a lot of time in the outfield chanting, "Hey batter batter!" as if we were Buddhist monks on steroids. Our chanting was compensatory behavior, a way of making the time go by, which is surely why at soccer games today it is the parents who do all of the yelling.

3) Everyone knows that soccer is a foreign invasion, but few people know exactly what is wrong with that. More than having to do with its origin, soccer is a European sport because it is all about death and despair. Americans would never invent a sport where the better you get the less you score. Even the way most games end, in sudden death, suggests something of an old-fashioned duel. How could anyone enjoy a game where so much energy results in so little advantage, and which typically ends with a penalty kick out, as if it is the audience that needs to be put out of its misery? Shootouts are such an anticlimax to the game and are so unpredictable that the teams might as well flip a coin to see who wins�indeed, they might as well flip the coin before the game, and not play at all.

4) And then there is the question of sex. I know my daughter will kick me when she reads this, but soccer is a game for girls. Girls are too smart to waste an entire day playing baseball, and they do not have the bloodlust for football. Soccer penalizes shoving and burns countless calories, and the margins of victory are almost always too narrow to afford any gloating. As a display of nearly death-defying stamina, soccer mimics the paradigmatic feminine experience of childbirth more than the masculine business of destroying your opponent with insurmountable power.

Let me conclude on a note of despair appropriate to my topic. There is no way to run away from soccer, if only because it is a sport all about running. It is as relentless as it is easy, and it is as tiring to play as it is tedious to watch. The real tragedy is that soccer is a foreign invasion, but it is not a plot to overthrow America. For those inclined toward paranoia, it would be easy to blame soccer's success on the political left, which, after all, worked for years to bring European decadence and despair to America. The left tried to make existentialism, Marxism, poststructuralism, and deconstructionism fashionable in order to weaken the clarity, pragmatism and drive of American culture. What the left could not accomplish through these intellectual fads, one might suspect, they are trying to accomplish through sport.

Yet this suspicion would be mistaken. Soccer is of foreign origin, that is certainly true, but its promotion and implementation are thoroughly domestic. Soccer is a self-inflicted wound. Americans have nobody to blame but themselves. Conservative suburban families, the backbone of America, have turned to soccer in droves. Baseball is too intimidating, football too brutal, and basketball takes too much time to develop the required skills. American parents in the past several decades are overworked and exhausted, but their children are overweight and neglected. Soccer is the perfect antidote to television and video games. It forces kids to run and run, and everyone can play their role, no matter how minor or irrelevant to the game. Soccer and television are the peanut butter and jelly of parenting.

I should know. I am an overworked teacher, with books to read and books to write, and before I put in a video for the kids to watch while I work in the evenings, they need to have spent some of their energy. Otherwise, they want to play with me! Last year all three of my kids were on three different soccer teams at the same time. My daughter is on a traveling team, and she is quite good. I had to sign a form that said, among other things, I would not do anything embarrassing to her or the team during the game. I told the coach I could not sign it. She was perplexed and worried. "Why not," she asked? "Are you one of those parents who yells at their kids? "Not at all," I replied, "I read books on the sidelines during the game, and this embarrasses my daughter to no end." That is my one way of protesting the rise of this pitiful sport. Nonetheless, I must say that my kids and I come home from a soccer game a very happy family.

Link.

He makes some good points. I hadn't considered that we have opposable thumbs for praying.

Admittedly I don't know much about US Newspapers, but shouldn't the WSJ be better than this?

# ? Apr 11, 2012 19:08

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

quote:

Soccer is the fluoridation of the American sporting scene.

This is the best bit

# ? Apr 11, 2012 19:13

Eric Cantonese: Dec 21, 2004; You should hear my accent.

Mickolution posted:

Admittedly I don't know much about US Newspapers, but shouldn't the WSJ be better than this?

The Wall Street Journal is a Murdoch-owned publication now.

# ? Apr 11, 2012 19:18

Blue Star Error: Jun 11, 2001; For this recipie you will need:
Football match (Halftime of), Celebrity Owner (Motivational speaking of), Sherry (Bottle of)

Thats amazing, I'm speechless.

# ? Apr 11, 2012 19:19

Mickolution: Oct 1, 2005; Ballers...I put numbers on the boards

TyChan posted:

The Wall Street Journal is a Murdoch-owned publication now.

So's the Times though, and you wouldn't expect to see poo poo like that in there. Is it often that bad? I always assumed it was one of the better US papers.

# ? Apr 11, 2012 19:25

Redundant: Sep 24, 2011; Even robots have feelings!

quote:

I told the coach I could not sign it. She was perplexed and worried. "Why not," she asked? "Are you one of those parents who yells at their kids? "Not at all," I replied, "I read books on the sidelines during the game, and this embarrasses my daughter to no end."

What a smug son of a bitch.

Oh well, drat those liberals and their game made for girls! They're infecting the good, hard working spine of a great nation with their game about "death and despair"!!

# ? Apr 11, 2012 19:25

Eric Cantonese: Dec 21, 2004; You should hear my accent.

Mickolution posted:

So's the Times though, and you wouldn't expect to see poo poo like that in there. Is it often that bad? I always assumed it was one of the better US papers.

The Wall Street Journal has always been pretty arch-conservative in a way you expect any champion of big finance to be. The articles have gotten even more ridiculously provocative and bombastic ever since Murdoch took over, though.

Were you expecting it to be more like the Economist? I don't think it's ever been like that.

# ? Apr 11, 2012 19:30

Mr. Big Snacks: Jul 26, 2006

That article is from 2009, and I'm pretty sure it's been posted in TRP before.

But yeah, it's retarded.

# ? Apr 11, 2012 19:33

Mickolution: Oct 1, 2005; Ballers...I put numbers on the boards

TyChan posted:

The Wall Street Journal has always been pretty arch-conservative in a way you expect any champion of big finance to be. The articles have gotten even more ridiculously provocative and bombastic ever since Murdoch took over, though.

Were you expecting it to be more like the Economist? I don't think it's ever been like that.

I think I just expected it to be better, not sure why

# ? Apr 11, 2012 19:53

plainswalker75: Feb 22, 2003; Pigs are smarter than Bears, but they can't ride motorcycles; Hair Elf

I made this for the comics thread, but it probably belongs in here too:

# ? Apr 11, 2012 21:10

fat gay nonce: May 13, 2003; _{actual penis length: |-----------|}

Winner, PWM POTM January

plainswalker75 posted:

I made this for the comics thread, but it probably belongs in here too:

wow

# ? Apr 11, 2012 21:51

Monday Bandele: Apr 26, 2008

I didn't know the WSJ hired Maddox

# ? Apr 11, 2012 21:57

Trin Tragula: Apr 22, 2005

That's not gone well

# ? Apr 13, 2012 14:38

thehappyprince: Apr 4, 2006; Alastair Cock

Literally gets paid to be an expert on football.

Thought Liverpool would win the league.

Good job, BBC. What next, Alan Shearer on TV?

# ? Apr 13, 2012 14:49

rats off to ya: Jul 22, 2008

I hope that Andy Carroll never "graces" my team.

# ? Apr 13, 2012 15:28

ManoliIsFat: Oct 4, 2002

TyChan posted:

The Wall Street Journal is a Murdoch-owned publication now.

WSJ actually has some of the most thorough soccer coverage in America. (that is to say, they're one of the few that do it. they have Gabriele Marcotti write for them sometimes) That's just link bait.

But as far as the rest of the WSJ goes, it's the worst national paper in the country.

ManoliIsFat fucked around with this message at 18:32 on Apr 13, 2012

# ? Apr 13, 2012 18:28

The Finn: Aug 27, 2004; إنه أصلع في الأسفل، كما تعلم

rats off to ya posted:

I hope that Andy Carroll never "graces" my team.

Yes, a team that is "graced" by John Terry.

# ? Apr 13, 2012 19:34

oliwan: Jul 20, 2005; by Nyc_Tattoo

Bert van Marwijk to Liverpool FC you heard it here first.

# ? Apr 13, 2012 19:49

rats off to ya: Jul 22, 2008

T. Couchfucker posted:

Yes, a team that is "graced" by John Terry.

Hey he may be a terrible human but at least he performs on the pitch.

# ? Apr 13, 2012 19:51

The Finn: Aug 27, 2004; إنه أصلع في الأسفل، كما تعلم

rats off to ya posted:

Hey he may be a terrible human but at least he performs on the pitch.

Hmm good point, I took the quotes to mean something else. It seems that it is in fact I that am the bad poster here. I'll have to go have a think about this.

# ? Apr 13, 2012 19:53

rats off to ya: Jul 22, 2008

T. Couchfucker posted:

Hmm good point, I took the quotes to mean something else. It seems that it is in fact I that am the bad poster here. I'll have to go have a think about this.

Yea I was pretty much just focusing on our good friend Mark Bright's word choice.

# ? Apr 13, 2012 20:57

straight up brolic: Jan 31, 2007; After all, I was nice in ball,
Came to practice weed scented
Report card like the speed limit

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZU7FUIao2o

# ? Apr 13, 2012 21:28

I am OK: Mar 9, 2009; LAWL

Mickolution posted:

So's the Times though, and you wouldn't expect to see poo poo like that in there. Is it often that bad? I always assumed it was one of the better US papers.

It's been absolutely atrocious since 2008.

# ? Apr 14, 2012 05:24

dilbertschalter: Jan 12, 2010

I am OK posted:

It's been absolutely atrocious since 2008.

the news articles actually weren't *that* bad, it was the editorial section that was run by nutters. since murdoch, that distinction has vanished.

# ? Apr 14, 2012 05:53

trem_two: Oct 22, 2002; it is better if you keep saying I'm fat, as I will continue to score goals; Fun Shoe

Very sad. I bet he was a smoker. Cigarettes are still popular in Europe. If you know anything of the tobacco lobby in the U.S., you know they are liars for the dollar. Smoking KILLS your heart. This kid MOST likely was a cigarette smoker. Not too cool now huh?

# ? Apr 15, 2012 16:01

Ho Chi Meeeeee: Jun 13, 2008; let me shovel out your brains
hang my image in your skull
so I can be the vision
in your nightmares from now on

trem_two posted:

Very sad. I bet he was a smoker. Cigarettes are still popular in Europe. If you know anything of the tobacco lobby in the U.S., you know they are liars for the dollar. Smoking KILLS your heart. This kid MOST likely was a cigarette smoker. Not too cool now huh?

# ? Apr 15, 2012 16:54

Sneaks McDevious: Jul 29, 2010; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

trem_two posted:

Very sad. I bet he was a smoker. Cigarettes are still popular in Europe. If you know anything of the tobacco lobby in the U.S., you know they are liars for the dollar. Smoking KILLS your heart. This kid MOST likely was a cigarette smoker. Not too cool now huh?

As someone who has once been to Europe I,

# ? Apr 15, 2012 18:55

Spangly A: May 14, 2009; God help you if ever you're caught on these shores

A man's ambition must indeed be small
To write his name upon a shithouse wall

julian assflange posted:

As someone who has once watched a french film I,

# ? Apr 15, 2012 18:58

FullLeatherJacket: Dec 30, 2004; Chiunque pu� essere Luther Blissett, semplicemente adottando il nome Luther Blissett

Big Piece O poo poo posted:

countdown to Maradona firing back in ... 3 ... 2 ...

Diego Maradona, in response to the Pele quote about Messi posted:

My God, that is just stupid

Football's great statesmen again elevate the game.

# ? Apr 15, 2012 21:20

Monday Bandele: Apr 26, 2008

I look forward to the year 2040 when a wizened Cronaldo and a bloated Messi are taking snide potshots at eachother

# ? Apr 15, 2012 21:58

Redundant: Sep 24, 2011; Even robots have feelings!

FullLeatherJacket posted:

Football's great statesmen again elevate the game.

To be fair to Maradona that is exactly what I thought when I read it.

# ? Apr 15, 2012 22:14

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Monday Bandele posted:

I look forward to the year 2040 when a wizened Cronaldo and a bloated Messi are taking snide potshots at eachother

This assumes Pele was ever wizened

# ? Apr 15, 2012 22:22

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# ? May 14, 2024 00:07

Bobby Digital: Sep 4, 2009

Scott Bakula posted:

This assumes Pele was ever wizened

Shriveled seems like a pretty accurate description tbf

# ? Apr 15, 2012 22:32

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