ASoIaF: A Song of Ice and Fire: George Rail Road Martin

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24-7 Urkel Cosplay: Feb 12, 2003

The proof that Stannis isn't dead is that the preview chapter from Theon's POV is all about the inner workings of how the bird letter system works and that they caught the Karstarks already. It's pretty much a given that the letter is fake.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 16:53

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# ? May 22, 2024 04:48

jsoh: Mar 24, 2007; O Muhammad, I seek your intercession with my Lord for the return of my eyesight

The end of the series is going to be Stannis rounding up all of Roberts remaining bastards for an orgy with Melisandre to produce enough shadow babies to kill all of the wights. Melisandre is actually Azor Azai and her completely destroyed vagina is lightbringer.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 16:54

thornghost: Oct 11, 2010; I have a picture of me with GRRM. He looks less than enthused.

Thought I'd try and ruin Reddit's day.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 17:03

So It Goes: Feb 18, 2011

Since we're currently trying to ruin days, here's an excerpt from the GURM's best story, 'The Meathouse Man'.

GURM posted:

He stank of sweat and sulfur, like all who walked the streets of Skrakky, but there was no help for that. It would be better if he could bathe first, but the room did not have a bath. Just a sink, double bed with sheets that looked dirty even in the dimness, a corpse.

She lay there naked, staring at nothing, breathing shallow breaths. Her legs were spread; ready. Was she always that way, Trager won�dered, or had the man before him arranged her like that? He didn�t know. He knew how to do it (he did, he did, he�d read the books Cox gave him, and there were films you could see, and all sorts of things), but he didn�t know much of anything else. Except maybe how to han�dle corpses. That he was good at, the youngest handler on Skrakky, but he had to be. They had forced him into the handlers� school when his mother died, and they made him learn, so that was the thing he did. This, this he had never done (but he knew how, yes, yes, he did); it was his first time.

He came to the bed slowly and sat to a chorus of creaking springs. He touched her and the flesh was warm. Of course. She was not a corpse, not really, no; the body was alive enough, a heartbeat under the heavy white breasts, she breathed. Only the brain was gone, ripped from her, replaced with a deadman�s synthabrain. She was meat now, an extra body for a corpsehandler to control, just like the crew he worked each day under sulfur skies. She was not a woman. So it did not matter that Trager was just a boy, a jowly frog-faced boy who smelled of Skrakky. She (no it, remember?) would not care, could not care.

Emboldened, aroused and hard, the boy stripped off his corpse-handler�s clothing and climbed in bed with the female meat. He was very excited; his hands shook as he stroked her, studied her. Her skin was very white, her hair dark and long, but even the boy could not call her pretty. Her face was too flat and wide, her mouth hung open, and her limbs were loose and sagging with fat.

On her huge breasts, all around the fat dark nipples, the last cus�tomer had left tooth-marks where he�d chewed her. Trager touched the marks tentatively, traced them with a finger. Then, sheepish about his hesitations, he grabbed one breast, squeezed it hard, pinched the nipple until he imagined a real girl would squeal with pain. The corpse did not move. Still squeezing, he rolled over on her and took the other breast into his mouth.

And the corpse responded.

She thrust up at him, hard, and meaty arms wrapped around his pimpled back to pull him to her. Trager groaned and reached down between her legs. She was hot, wet, excited. He trembled. How did they do that? Could she really get excited without a mind, or did they have lubricating tubes stuck into her, or what?

Then he stopped caring. He fumbled, found his penis, put it into her, thrust. The corpse hooked her legs around him and thrust back. It felt good, real good, better than anything he�d ever done to himself, and in some obscure way he felt proud that she was so wet and excited.

It only took a few strokes; he was too new, too young, too eager to last long. A few strokes was all he needed�but it was all she needed too. They came together, a red flush washing over her skin as she arched against him and shook soundlessly.

Afterwards she lay again like a corpse.

Trager was drained and satisfied, but he had more time left, and he was determined to get his money�s worth. He explored her thor�oughly, sticking his fingers everywhere they would go, touching her everywhere, rolling it over, looking at everything. The corpse moved like dead meat.

He left her as he�d found her, lying face up on the bed with her legs apart. Meathouse courtesy.

Truly the voice of our generation.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 17:18

IRQ: Sep 9, 2001; SUCK A DICK, DUMBSHITS!

thornghost posted:

Thought I'd try and ruin Reddit's day.

I'm torn between my hatred of stupid reddit memes and the joy at people being spoiled.

But really, it's is a true wild card who can inspire both feelings at the same time. Bravo.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 17:24

El Hefe: Oct 31, 2006; You coulda had a V8/
Instead of a tre-eight slug to yo' cranium/
I got six and I'm aimin' 'em/
Will I bust or keep you guessin'

Tony Danza Claus posted:

Winds of Winter prologue:

Zombie Catelyn killed Jaime. JonCon and Aegon are rotting in the siege of Storms End.

3 YEARS LATER

Dany and Drogon have built a khalasar.

Jon is dead. Ghost acts dumber than before, though, and is always humping Dolorous Edd.

Davos found Rickon and brought his feral rear end to Stannis.

Stannis is the de facto king of the wall and the north.

Cersei is completely mad and coddles King Tommen way too much.

Victarion has been chasing the dragons. Along the way he found Tyrion. Tyrion is alive because he amuses Victarion.

Samwise Gamgee is now a maester.

Arya is a ninja.

Sansa is Sansa. Littlefinger is creeping.

The war has ended as Westeros is buried in snow.

RESUME STORY.

This but unironically.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 18:12

Trico: Nov 5, 2009; still you are nowhere

WoW will be 1200 pages and chronicle Rickon's journey from Winterfell to wherever the gently caress he is now. There will be 6 new POV characters.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 18:39

Urdnot Fire: Feb 13, 2012

Howland Reed will be killed off in the prologue.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 18:40

IRQ: Sep 9, 2001; SUCK A DICK, DUMBSHITS!

Someone should tell this guy the truth:

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/game_of_thrones

"Hard working creative individual." :lol:

# ? Apr 18, 2012 18:42

Blade_of_tyshalle: Jul 12, 2009; If you think that, along the way, you're not going to fail... you're blind.

There's no one I've ever met, no matter how successful they are, who hasn't said they had their failures along the way.

IRQ posted:

"Hard working creative individual."

The only funny bit in that whole thing.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 18:51

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

IRQ posted:

Someone should tell this guy the truth:

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/game_of_thrones

"Hard working creative individual."

Maybe he meant the ~~porno~~ totes legit directors/actors?

# ? Apr 18, 2012 18:54

Carly Gay Dead Son: Aug 27, 2007; Bonus.

IRQ posted:

Someone should tell this guy the truth:

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/game_of_thrones

"Hard working creative individual."

I have a feeling the oatmeal guy has every reason to see in the GRRM a kindred spirit. Pear-shaped brethren.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 18:55

IRQ: Sep 9, 2001; SUCK A DICK, DUMBSHITS!

Blade_of_tyshalle posted:

The only funny bit in that whole thing.

It was pretty drat funny though. even if he didn't intend it to be.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 19:03

that one guy: Jun 3, 2005

Martin Van Buren posted:

I have a feeling the oatmeal guy has every reason to see in the GRRM a kindred spirit. Pear-shaped brethren.

He's actually pretty normal looking.
http://0at.org/pages/about

# ? Apr 18, 2012 19:55

Ashrik: Feb 9, 2009; WILL AMOUNT TO NOTHING IN LIFE.

Chunk posted:

The proof that Stannis isn't dead is that the preview chapter from Theon's POV is all about the inner workings of how the bird letter system works and that they caught the Karstarks already. It's pretty much a given that the letter is fake.

How so?

# ? Apr 18, 2012 20:15

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

that one guy posted:

He's actually pretty normal looking.
http://0at.org/pages/about

It's a reverse Penny Arcade. A normal guy drawing himself as an enormous asexual bald blob.

The Anime Liker fucked around with this message at 20:18 on Apr 18, 2012

# ? Apr 18, 2012 20:16

Arnold of Soissons: Mar 4, 2011; by XyloJW

Tony Danza Claus posted:

It's a reverse Penny Arcade. A normal guy drawing himself as an enormous asexual bald blob.

When you insult his girlfriend he has a fit of rage and OPENS the forums.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 20:30

IRQ: Sep 9, 2001; SUCK A DICK, DUMBSHITS!

Tony Danza Claus posted:

It's a reverse Penny Arcade. A normal guy drawing himself as an enormous asexual bald blob.

Also his webcomics can be entertaining.

So like you said, reverse Penny Arcade.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 20:32

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

Arnold of Soissons posted:

When you insult his girlfriend he has a fit of rage and OPENS the forums.

And he spent months on twitter NOT telling rape victims why "they need to get a sense of humor and quit bitching."

# ? Apr 18, 2012 20:32

99 CENTS AMIGO: Jul 22, 2007

Well lookie lookie, HBO went ahead and released a pretty decent map of everywhere there's been actual action in the books (no Southern continent or Asshai, for instance) before GRRM finished the companion book that's already like 3 years late.

http://viewers-guide.hbo.com/game-of-thrones/season2/

This, of course, won't be a precedent for HBO finishing things like the show before the books come out. Oh, no sir!

# ? Apr 18, 2012 20:37

el_brio: Feb 17, 2012

thornghost posted:

Thought I'd try and ruin Reddit's day.

Nicely done sir. You should put this up on ragecomics and 9gag.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 20:51

Intel&Sebastian: Oct 20, 2002; colonel...
i'm trying to sneak around
but i'm dummy thicc
and the clap of my ass cheeks
keeps alerting the guards!

thornghost posted:

Thought I'd try and ruin Reddit's day.

That's rude as hell. Good on you!

# ? Apr 18, 2012 21:15

AppropriateUser: Feb 17, 2012

Jamie has to stay alive long enough to strangle Cersei just to fake us out for thinking that the prophesy is an obvious fake out.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 22:44

empty sea: Jul 17, 2011; gonna saddle my seahorse and float out to the sunset

Potooweet posted:

Jamie has to stay alive long enough to strangle Cersei just to fake us out for thinking that the prophesy is an obvious fake out.

His golden hand is only good at wine cups, though. He'll have to special order a golden hand for strangling.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 22:56

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Potooweet posted:

Jamie has to stay alive long enough to strangle Cersei just to fake us out for thinking that the prophesy is an obvious fake out.

Wouldn't the obvious fake out be Jamie? Therefore to fake us out of the fake out he would have to use some one besides Tyrion or Jamie thats a younger brother. Like Sandor. Or Zombie Lommy. Did Lommy have a brother? Well he should be a zombie anyways. And strangle Cersei. And marry Cat and have zombie babies that fight the Others with the power of needing to be carried.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 23:08

Urdnot Fire: Feb 13, 2012

empty sea posted:

His golden hand is only good at wine cups, though. He'll have to special order a golden hand for strangling.

One with kung fu grip.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 23:08

Scuzzywuffit: Feb 5, 2012

Urdnot Fire posted:

One with kung fu grip.

It could have a crank on the side that he would turn with his left hand to get his strangle on.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 23:09

crazypeltast52: May 5, 2010

Solice Kirsk posted:

Wouldn't the obvious fake out be Jamie? Therefore to fake us out of the fake out he would have to use some one besides Tyrion or Jamie thats a younger brother. Like Sandor. Or Zombie Lommy. Did Lommy have a brother? Well he should be a zombie anyways. And strangle Cersei. And marry Cat and have zombie babies that fight the Others with the power of needing to be carried.

Or there is a secret Clegane sibling older than Gregor and Ser Robert Strong does it in an ironic twist of epic proportions.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 23:12

Thulsa Doom: Jun 20, 2011; Ezekiel 23:20

Bran is the valonqar, Cercei is gonna get Evil Dead'd by a tree in the godswood.

# ? Apr 18, 2012 23:34

Arsenic Lupin: Apr 12, 2012; This particularly rapid💨 unintelligible 😖patter💁 isn't generally heard🧏‍♂️, and if it is🤔, it doesn't matter💁.

crazypeltast52 posted:

Or there is a secret Clegane sibling older than Gregor and Ser Robert Strong does it in an ironic twist of epic proportions.

The deservedly lesser-known brother "The Flea That Bites".

# ? Apr 18, 2012 23:49

Smashurbanipal: Sep 12, 2009; ASK ME ABOUT BEING A SHITTY POSTER

It's obvious that there are no other surviving Clegane brothers. Gregor gained his strength by wendigo, messily devouring his siblings to gain their strength.

# ? Apr 19, 2012 00:04

crazypeltast52: May 5, 2010

Smashurbanipal posted:

It's obvious that there are no other surviving Clegane brothers. Gregor gained his strength by wendigo, messily devouring his siblings to gain their strength.

Of course! The toy was irrelevant, he merely wanted to cook seewt, sweet Sandor!

# ? Apr 19, 2012 00:10

Arsenic Lupin: Apr 12, 2012; This particularly rapid💨 unintelligible 😖patter💁 isn't generally heard🧏‍♂️, and if it is🤔, it doesn't matter💁.

Smashurbanipal posted:

messily devouring his siblings to gain their strength.

In the womb. If they hadn't been premature, Sandor woulda been a goner.

# ? Apr 19, 2012 00:42

unlimited shrimp: Aug 30, 2008

Tony Danza Claus posted:

Jon will Warg into Ghost and become a tree.

Is everything we seem or see
but a boy within a tree?

# ? Apr 19, 2012 03:23

crazypeltast52: May 5, 2010

So I updated this post with the quoted texts and moved deeper into the proto-bad thread. We are still before the time of the absolute fucker, but beneath the surface a dark rage is brewing. GRRM has just missed a deadline for finishing Dance, destroying expectations that it would be published in the fall of 2008.

A means of motivating the GRRM is discovered:

Tiger Crazy on June 27th, 2008 posted:

We should all write a bunch of fan fictions and mail them to him. Saying "This is what happens when you gently caress with us."

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2327492&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=128#post345439260

Little would he know what he would create and the true foulness of the GRRM was not yet known as we know it today, but I must wrap it in spoiler tags to protect the young minds of this thread.

Solaron on June 27th, 2008 posted:

Bran awoke quietly, the taste of blood still fresh on his tongue. The coppery tang reminded him of the tart lemoncakes Sansa had loved so much in winterfell. The thrill of the hunt still pounded in his ears as his heart thudded in his chest. Restless and disturbed, he rolled to his side to find Meera Reed's green eyes staring at him. In the half-lit room, she appeared more beast than human, a thought that made Bran feel oddly aroused.

"Come, my prince, I know that you have can feel it as well." Her slim fingers twined around his and pulled his shaking hand to her soft breasts.

"W-What about Jojen? And Hodor?" His voice quivered slightly.

Meera sighed softly and her lips parted. Her tongue flicked out as if to taste the air. "Jojen is waiting for us, and Hodor... I think you know what to do with Hodor."

Bran could only nod stiffly. Meera rose and shrugged her doeskin jerkin from her slim shoulders. The moonlight streaming through the broken rafters glinted off of her skin and he was filled with desire. Jojen came beside her, still clothed but staring with greedy eyes.

The huge shape that was Hodor lay huddled in a corner, snoring softly. His mind was open to Bran, if he would but take it. He thought to resist the urge at first, but Meera was there in all of her glory, and he hungered for her.

Hodor fought at first, pushing feebly against the penetration of another mind, but Bran pushed until he broke through. It felt exhilarating. He stood - stood! - on two huge legs and undid the laces to his breeches with clumsy hands. Meera nodded and came forward slowly.

"Yes, that's it, sweet prince."

Here we are, born to be kings, we're the princes of the universe. I am immortal I have inside me blood of kings, I have no rival, no man can be my equal. Take me to the future of your world.

Born to be kings, princes of the universe, fighting and free, got your world in my hand, I'm here for your love and I'll make my stand.

We were born to be princes of the universe. No man could understand my power in my own hand.

Slowly, Bran receded from Hodor's mind. Jojen lay, naked and moaning softly, on the cold rock of the floor. Meera was clutching her arm but still shaking from the pleasure he had given her as the giant man.

Through a voice thick with pain "That, my prince, was only the beginning."

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2327492&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=128#post345444593

Continuing onward, I discovered more of what came to be known as "horrible fan-fiction" in the guise of continuing the story should the GRRM perish to a pizza or three.

Lank on June 27th, 2008 posted:

Jaime looked down at the broken body before him. Nobles looked much the same as peasants when they were dead with their rear end in the air, broken and moist.

When he had finally found the fleeing Blackfish earlier that day, he had been truly scared for one of the few times in his life. He was alone and without his swordhand. The battle raged on for what seemed like days.

Now, as he stared down at the golden phallus strapped to his arm still glistening with Tully blood and fecal matter, he knew he was finally equipped with the hand he was meant for, and the fear drained from him.

The design was one of Tyrion's, sent to him from hiding. The invention was of a genius that only his brother could muster...a genius usually only found in Targaryens WINK COUGH, and the foot long golden penis stood erect off his hand like the spires of Hightower.

After catching his breath, the Kingslayer wiped his new hand across the surcoat of his slain and anally raped enemy. The silver fish smeared to a dirty wet shade of black. Jaime laughed uncontrollably.

"Blackfish indeed" he said to no one, "A Lannister always pays his debts."

Now he had to repay another. Jaime's new hand tingled for the touch of his sweet sister again. He mounted up and began the long journey back to King's Landing.

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2327492&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=128#post345446596

It is unknown if these tales ever reached GRRM, but if they had, the yet unBad thread would have contributed to several of countless one-handed typing sessions responsible for the writing delays they had suffered thus far.

# ? Apr 19, 2012 03:32

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

The Bad Threads of old were amazing.

# ? Apr 19, 2012 03:36

crazypeltast52: May 5, 2010

Tony Danza Claus posted:

The Bad Threads of old were amazing.

The thread they were pulled from dates back to the construction of the Wall by the First Men in Westeros. The Andals have not yet crossed the Narrow Sea and brought true Bad Threadery, but the Children of the Forest are no longer the rulers of the land. I dare no think of what terrors yet lurk for me in the rubble between then and the coming of the Dragons with their Dance.

# ? Apr 19, 2012 03:49

Stay Safe: Sep 1, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Everyone knows the Absolute Fuckers are gone from this world. Have been for ages.

# ? Apr 19, 2012 03:50

Urdnot Fire: Feb 13, 2012

Dead Man Posting posted:

Everyone knows the Absolute Fuckers are gone from this world. Have been for ages.

But there are still all those football blog posts! And Wild Cards collections! Those have to be caused by something!

# ? Apr 19, 2012 03:53

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# ? May 22, 2024 04:48

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

Dead Man Posting posted:

Everyone knows the Absolute Fuckers are gone from this world. Have been for ages.

Oh my sweet summer child.

# ? Apr 19, 2012 03:58

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > The Book Barn > ASoIaF: A Song of Ice and Fire: George Rail Road Martin

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