shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: Don't keep talking to me in that fancy cashier talk lady!

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hate pants: Jul 17, 2012; FUCK PANTS 4 LYFE

An email forward I received last night from my crazy, crazy aunt:

quote:

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Detroit sat a huge black man.
He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him. After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man.. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the crap out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. " What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the black man replied. "Something about a job."

america the beautiful

from sea to shining sea

# ? Aug 15, 2012 20:18

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# ? Jun 8, 2024 23:47

Dr_Amazing: Apr 15, 2006; It's a long story

I think we're getting a not off topic if we're just telling racist jokes.

# ? Aug 15, 2012 22:16

Crooz: Feb 22, 2011

mysterious frankie posted:

drive students to force each other to work harder

Shit_that_wouldn't_happen.txt

I've had classes where the actions of the class as a whole could affect your personal grade. People were just as lazy as normal.

# ? Aug 15, 2012 22:53

RagnarokAngel: Oct 5, 2006; Black Magic Extraordinaire

mysterious frankie posted:

There was some other variation of this story where the daughter was a socialist and the wise capitalist father showed her the error of her ways by suggesting that her school institute a socialist grading system, whereupon everyone gets the average class grade, rather than the grade they worked for individually.

Which is an amazingly effective piece of pro capitalist polemic, when you think about it, because this socialist grading scale would drive students to force each other to work harder- as no one wants to suffer because someone else didn't work hard enough- which would result in more students overall benefiting from their education, which would in turn benefit the society that was receiving more well educated adults into the workforce than it did back when people were entirely individually motivated and then society improving would improve the lives of everyone overall and... waaaaaait a minute.

Naw we discuss this at length in the D&D political emails thread (Which if anyone is interested should read), it's a really stupid comparison because GPA is not like cash. In theory everyone can achieve a 4.0 GPA. Unless you're grading on a curve there is not a finite amount of "grade points" to hand out so everyone has an equal chance to get the max score.

As opposed to money which is finite. Sure there's a ton of it but still there is a limit to how much money someone could in theory obtain, so it has to be spread around a bit to put everyone on "equal" footing.

Also to drive the point home someone did a comparison if GPA WAS like the US economy. The top 1/5th would have 238 points (out of 100) or something ridiculous like that, 2/5ths would barely pass. 3/5ths would have various degrees of failure.

# ? Aug 15, 2012 23:29

Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

I'm the nicest guy in Berlin, yet I can't get a job OR a date

quote:

Stupid loving broads. All of this time I've been looking for a job and guess what--it's because I'm not attractive enough for these vapid cunts. Also, female dominated HR departments? Are there any other kind? In my old job the skirts in HR were on coffee break AT LEAST 3 times a day meanwhile I was working my rear end off. I guess I have to tolerate them since I can't imagine any broad working in finance with scary fractions and graphs!

The funny thing is that I'm the nicest guy in Berlin, yet I can't get a job OR a date.

# ? Aug 15, 2012 23:53

Parsley: Jul 17, 2012

Nckdictator posted:

I'm the nicest guy in Berlin, yet I can't get a job OR a date

Man, all these stupid 'skirts' just control the jobs I can't get, obviously solely due to my looks, and they're too dumb for maths. Urgh!
oh god why won't they date me why

# ? Aug 16, 2012 00:05

ThatPazuzu: Sep 8, 2011; I'm so depressed, I can't even blink.

Nckdictator posted:

I'm the nicest guy in Berlin, yet I can't get a job OR a date

He just a little confused. He's not the nicest guy, he's the Nice Guy-est.

# ? Aug 16, 2012 00:08

Gyro Zeppeli: Jul 19, 2012; sure hope no-one throws me off a bridge

Nckdictator posted:

I'm the nicest guy in Berlin, yet I can't get a job OR a date

I'm more confused at his use of 1940s slang. Especially ironic considering...Berlin...1940s...

# ? Aug 16, 2012 00:45

Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

VogeGandire posted:

I'm more confused at his use of 1940s slang. Especially ironic considering...Berlin...1940s...

How many fedoras do you think he owns?

# ? Aug 16, 2012 00:55

Vicas: Dec 9, 2009; Sweet tricks, mom.

Maybe he's talking about Berlin, New Jersey.

How many different terms for women are codewords for "I hate women and won't even refer to them by today's common terms"? I'm kind of losing count.

# ? Aug 16, 2012 01:02

Breetai: Nov 6, 2005; 🥄Mah spoon is too big!🍌

Livingston posted:

I love the adjectives and adverbs used in these things so much. Very unsubtly pushing their agenda beyond the absurd scenarios.

The "visibly shocked and taken aback" parts are always the best. I want to write some conservative/fundie/pro-life/etc. fanfic in this style.

It's the same flow of debate->enlightenment that you'll see in a Chick Tract. The mindless heathen SEES THE TRUTH and becomes an immediate convert to the ONE TRUE PATH.

# ? Aug 16, 2012 01:10

bbf2: Nov 22, 2007; "The White Shadow"

Let me introduce you to the king of this thread, Coach Benjamin "The Dragonslayer" Wade. Even if you hate reality TV shows this guy is worth checking out. I could try to describe him but he really has to be seen to be believed. The most important thing to remember is that he constantly says stuff like this, and with the utmost conviction. And this isn't some persona he made up for TV, he has been trying to sell books about his adventures and whatnot before he was ever cast.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHzHWQxUcGY

Second part of the story and a little bit more about his "life:"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjQT0asFU68&t=315s

There are a million other things like that but I couldn't find clips for most of them.

Every morning he did some sort of bizarre specialized form of martial arts. When asked about what he was doing he said:

quote:

What I'm doing is called Chong Ran. It's an ancient Tibetan... if you do a Google search on it you won't find it. It's only passed down verbally. You have to go there to the monastery to study it.

bbf2 has a new favorite as of 01:41 on Aug 16, 2012

# ? Aug 16, 2012 01:27

Boneitis: Jul 14, 2010

I lost it when he said, "Everyone else out here is lying except for me."

# ? Aug 16, 2012 01:35

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

Vicas posted:

Maybe he's talking about Berlin, New Jersey.

How many different terms for women are codewords for "I hate women and won't even refer to them by today's common terms"? I'm kind of losing count.

Female as a counterpart to man/men/dudes, etc. is a solid sign that they're a creep using deliberately alienating language (and also 98% of the time it's used in conjunction with some lovely belief trying to be passed off as a universal truth, like "everybody knows females are just evil sluts that love friendzoning super nice guys like me", because the clinical terminology makes it sound more science-y and therefore true)

And, obviously, dame, broad, skirt, etc. means you're a repulsive be-fedora'd neckbeard.

# ? Aug 16, 2012 02:47

Politicalrancor: Jan 29, 2008

Tucker Max

# ? Aug 16, 2012 03:30

Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

Shockingly this wasn't from Stromfront

quote:

Oh, just like any other day here on the city streets, it's closing time at the bars.
My street in particular houses a sushi bar that attracts a certain type of clientele.
Like clockwork, every Saturday night around 10-11pm, the parking meters are filled with quarters plucked from the pockets of Armani suits, worn my men driving Escalades and Cadillacs with spinners and subwoofers rattling the doors and my apartment.
These cars escort women with asses too big for their tiny dresses that could easily pass for a prostitute about 5 blocks over.

I have, on many occasion, considered alerting the police to this jungle of a sushi bar. Having a fun time at a bar is one thing, but when it's a weekly practice of complete disrespect for the surrounding neighborhood that I have never seen before... it becomes a nuisance. At 3am, I should not have to hear hooping and hollering in a dialect only rap artists can decipher.

It would seem that today was a good day for me.
At approximately 1:30am on the morning of October 19th, a fight broke out at the sushi bar.

Here is what I documented (actual story may vary).

Part I: Instigation
The wind swept streets of the fair city are chilly tonight. But it's a Saturday, and that will never stop the young herds from flocking to local watering holes. Deep inside a seemingly calm gathering, there is trouble brewing.
[Shauntay] can smell the fear walking around her. She's loving 'hawt' and she knows it, but the males aren't showing off their mating rituals.
"drat, boys be trippin'", she says.

But hark. In the corner, [Malcolm] has had one to many and is starting to feel the inhibitions melt away. He slowly approaches [Shauntay], half of his mouth grinning... and the other have slightly drooling. One leg limps behind the other as if he were wounded, but it's only the liquid courage moving through his body.

He lifts a finger to the bartender, checking the weather... or purchasing a drink for the slight gelatinous [Shauntay] breathing heavily against the bar for support. As he pushes the drink (most likely a concoction of both alcohol and energy drink) towards his potential mate, there is a violent uproar!

[Lifaunda] growls and she drops her 'booty' into an attack stance.
"That's mah man, you fuckin' fat bitch!"

The music scratches to a halt as [Lifaunda] charges [Shauntay] and a battle of dominance spills into the cold nightime streets.

Bouncing off these old brick walls are profanity, jargon, and the occasional grunt. They call this 'language' in their society.

Part II: Intervention
These foreign noises are replaced by the whir of approaching authority as [Lifaunda]'s friends begin to jog in high heels down the street. The police man arrives and begin to chase them at a very leisurely pace. Clutching his chest and depressing the button on his radio, back-up is signaled.

"Yea. They're running."
*mumbles in response*
"A giant, silver, gortex puffy coat and high heels"
*mumbles in response*
"Very slowly..."

More sirens vibrate through the night air and the raid storms in!

400x600

400x600

They arrive just in time to find [Lifaunda] scolding [Malcolm].
"I swurr to fuckin' gawd. If you even thank about tuchin' anutha womun again... I'm gun kick you stupid azz!"

400x600

Witnesses fleeing the scene with style.

Part III: The Aftermath
Authorites hunt through the crowd and are able to locate the wounded [Shauntay]. She sustained minor injuries and must be tended to:

533x800

She is escorted away from the rest of the pack in hopes they will not turn against her:

533x800

As the police question and berate her 'homegirls':

400x600

Part IV: The Oblivious
All the while, [Leroy] waits...

But his patience pays off. At long last, his mating pair arrives and they retire back to the lair.

As the night comes to a close.

And I have no idea who these women are but 'dey all dressed up wit no place ta go"

# ? Aug 16, 2012 03:36

SpiderHyphenMan: Apr 1, 2010; by Fluffdaddy

Nckdictator posted:

Shockingly this wasn't from Stromfront

It's like if Frank Miller had a stroke.

# ? Aug 16, 2012 03:38

Vicas: Dec 9, 2009; Sweet tricks, mom.

Dude wants to be smoking a cigarette so hard as he makes that up in his head (he also wants to be in black and white).

# ? Aug 16, 2012 03:40

Politicalrancor: Jan 29, 2008

A good way to draw your racist fiction to a close is to misquote Oingo Boingo.

# ? Aug 16, 2012 03:43

venus de lmao: Apr 30, 2007; Call me "pixeltits"

Nckdictator posted:

Shockingly this wasn't from Stromfront

Let's play "spot the thinly-veiled racism"!

jungle
"hooping and hollering" "rap artists" (surprised he didn't put "artists" in quotes, actually)
'booty'
Stereotypical "black" names
"the occasional grunt"
"they call this 'language'"
made-up dialect that's barely a shade above shuckin'-and-jivin' minstrel talk (this is how he thinks black people talk because he's never actually spoken to one)

The best part, in my opinion, is "actual story may vary". It's like he's saying the truth might not be anything at all like this but check out just how much I hate black folks (a whole lot).

# ? Aug 16, 2012 03:44

Vicas: Dec 9, 2009; Sweet tricks, mom.

You forgot Escalades and Cadillacs, which are of course the first thing bought by the well-to-do degenerate black man with his obviously ill-gotten money.

# ? Aug 16, 2012 03:50

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

Nckdictator posted:

Shockingly this wasn't from Stromfront

Alabama Noire

Press X to be a white nerd that's never talked to a black person. Ever.

Vicas posted:

You forgot Escalades and Cadillacs, which are of course the first thing bought by the well-to-do degenerate black man with his obviously ill-gotten money.

Seriously, what's up with all these 70's stereotypes driving around in their early 2000's stereotype cars?

You know it's true because crackers are hip and with it.

The Anime Liker has a new favorite as of 03:54 on Aug 16, 2012

# ? Aug 16, 2012 03:51

venus de lmao: Apr 30, 2007; Call me "pixeltits"

Vicas posted:

You forgot Escalades and Cadillacs, which are of course the first thing bought by the well-to-do degenerate black man with his obviously ill-gotten money.

I misread it at first, thinking he was depicting that as belonging to a well-to-do, "civilized" clientele that left before all this went down.

# ? Aug 16, 2012 03:52

Babysitter Super Sleuth: Apr 26, 2012; my posts are as bad the Current Releases review of Gone Girl

Bertrand Hustle posted:

I misread it at first, thinking he was depicting that as belonging to a well-to-do, "civilized" clientele that left before all this went down.

No, the comment about rims gives it away. As Vicas implied, here's this racist belief that if a black person gets money then they'll immediately spend it on extravagant luxuries they cannot really afford, like cars or suits, with the Cadillac Escalade being the favorite example of conspicuous consumption in these sorts of anecdotes.

# ? Aug 16, 2012 04:04

tifosibella: Aug 17, 2005; captian r u gay

Vicas posted:

You forgot Escalades and Cadillacs, which are of course the first thing bought by the well-to-do degenerate black man with his obviously ill-gotten money.

Not just Escalades, but Escalades and Cadillacs. :downs:

# ? Aug 16, 2012 04:42

BGrifter: Mar 16, 2007; Winner of Something Awful PS5 thread's Posting Excellence Award June 2022

Congratulations!

bbf2 posted:

And this isn't some persona he made up for TV, he has been trying to sell books about his adventures and whatnot before he was ever cast.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHzHWQxUcGY

Even better that's the TV-safe version of that story. He tells it elsewhere with weird details about the army of pygmies that attacked him having erections and claims they were going to rape him. I believe Rob Cesternino's podcast is one of the places he retold it if anyone cares to dig up the recording.

# ? Aug 16, 2012 07:41

CrowsNestMutineer: Mar 9, 2009; _{* Juciano makes the best damned Caesar dressing I've ever tasted in my life.}

quote:

Armani suits, worn my men driving Escalades and Cadillacs

Right on, man! I hate ostentatious rich people too! Down with the 1%!

quote:

with spinners and subwoofers

Oh, you just hate black people. gently caress off.

# ? Aug 16, 2012 11:29

swampland: Oct 16, 2007; Dear Mr Cave, if you do not release the bats we will be forced to take legal action

Nckdictator posted:

She would always point out the shape of my head and then all of her friends would laugh. It infuriated me.

I really believe Bareback Rodeo was completely honest with this story.

# ? Aug 16, 2012 12:18

Atmus: Mar 8, 2002

CrowsNestMutineer posted:

Right on, man! I hate ostentatious rich people too! Down with the 1%!

Oh, you just hate black people. gently caress off.

That doesn't even make much sense, because if I were driving around in an Escalade, it drat well better have spinners, subwoofers, ground effect neons, and probably a train horn in it.

I mean really, if you drive around in an Escalade that isn't over the top, that's just a waste.

# ? Aug 16, 2012 15:27

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Atmus posted:

That doesn't even make much sense, because if I were driving around in an Escalade, it drat well better have spinners, subwoofers, ground effect neons, and probably a train horn in it.

I mean really, if you drive around in an Escalade that isn't over the top, that's just a waste.

Because then you'd be driving a Less-calade, amirite, amirite

:suicide:

# ? Aug 16, 2012 16:52

factorialite: Mar 3, 2008; by Lowtax

Politicalrancor posted:

Tucker Max

Holy poo poo, I forgot this guy existed. He's probably the Platonic ideal of this thread.

# ? Aug 16, 2012 16:56

factorialite: Mar 3, 2008; by Lowtax

Vicas posted:

Dude wants to be smoking a cigarette so hard as he makes that up in his head (he also wants to be in black and white).

He clearly just wants to be in white

# ? Aug 16, 2012 16:59

ants on my cum rag: Sep 2, 2011; "Oh God you got the spray gun, DO NOT LOSE IT, you seriously better not screw this up, I'm not kidding"
~~The Battle Hymn of the Contra Tiger Mother~~

Nckdictator posted:

I'm the nicest guy in Berlin, yet I can't get a job OR a date

No wonder he doesn't get dates. He talks like a 1940's Brooklyn Italian-American. "Hey, what's a bee-yoo-tiful braud like you doin' in a place like dis?"
"Entschuldigung?"

# ? Aug 16, 2012 17:12

hate pants: Jul 17, 2012; FUCK PANTS 4 LYFE

"I'm the nicest guy in Berlin, and you loving cunts better believe it!" *squawks and unfolds his six foot wingspan and flaps away*

# ? Aug 16, 2012 17:31

Azzents: Oct 19, 2010; "Quoting, like smoking, is a dirty habit to which I am devoted."

The Worst Muslim posted:

No wonder he doesn't get dates. He talks like a 1940's Brooklyn Italian-American. "Hey, what's a bee-yoo-tiful braud like you doin' in a place like dis?"
"Entschuldigung?"

"I tells ya, I'm the nicest guy in Boi-lyn and I just can't gets me a job or a dame!"

# ? Aug 16, 2012 17:58

Nckdictator: Sep 8, 2006; Just..someone

Litteraly poo poo that didn't happen.

quote:

The other night my girlfriend confessed to me that she liked the smell of my poo poo. I really had no clue what to make of this. She went on to explain that if she were a lady tiger and she came across my poo in the jungle she would be attracted to it because I was her man (or tiger). Something like that. I think she was trying to indicate that in a primal way she was attracted to me. Not that she "enjoyed" the actual smell so much, though.

It was a pretty strange thing that came out of nowhere and immediately put the thought in my mind of a GBS post. As such, here is your challenge Goons: please regale us with your own stories.

edit: This came about after I had been doing my business in the bathroom and she walked in to get something.

# ? Aug 16, 2012 18:06

Sunshine89: Nov 22, 2009

ol qwerty bastard posted:

I once saw a guy sitting on a couch at a party messing with a laptop, surrounded by no less than three girls intently watching his every keystroke.

To be fair: a) the guy was attractive, and b) using Sketchup with a trackpad is legitimately impressive

(no this isn't an SDTH; this honestly happened)

Sketchup? Was it a party of architects and/or urban planners?

# ? Aug 17, 2012 01:52

Belmont Geoffrion: Sep 25, 2007; o bby

Action-Bastard posted:

This just popped up on imgur. Linked since its a 4chan screen: http://i.imgur.com/FwkBu.png
I'll admit, it amused me.

Hahahaha, wow. I'm actually the person who wrote that story, and yeah it's 100% STDH. I can't help but feel a little mix of embarrassment and surprise whenever it resurfaces. I posted that years and years ago on 4chan when I was an edgy 12 or 13 year old, which I can't help but imagine is the case with most of the stories posted in this thread.

# ? Aug 17, 2012 02:14

Davfff: Oct 27, 2008

Nckdictator posted:

Litteraly poo poo that didn't happen.

I dunno, that's hardly something someone would make up to impress people... right?

# ? Aug 17, 2012 02:23

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# ? Jun 8, 2024 23:47

Shasta Cola: Jun 16, 2003; I've been having real awful dreams about giant apocalyptic machinery just mowing us all down.

Davfff posted:

I dunno, that's hardly something someone would make up to impress people... right?

It's just a super roundabout way of saying he had a girlfriend in the first place!

# ? Aug 17, 2012 02:36

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: Don't keep talking to me in that fancy cashier talk lady!

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